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Christian Schneider

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Time To End All Imegrashun

June 1, 2007 / / 4 Comments

One thing struck me about the National Spelling Bee last night – there were three Canadian spellers in the finals. Who let all these immigrants into our spelling bee? Isn’t it the NATIONAL spelling bee? Are these kids from Canada willing to spell words that our American kinds aren’t?

According to the Washington Post:

The 80th annual bee began Wednesday with nearly 300 students traveling from across the country; some also came from Europe, Guam, Jamaica, American Samoa and New Zealand. Three finalists were from Canada.

First of all, kids from Canada on average are smarter merely because Paris Hilton doesn’t live in their country. That raises the Canadian national IQ by about 10 points per person. Secondly, Canada is secretly plotting to take over America\’s most sacred institutions. You think it’s just coincidence that Steve Nash won two straight MVP awards? If we don’t fight them now, your kids will be speaking Canadian.

On the other hand, this influx of immigrant spellers could provide Scripps-Howard with a valuable marketing opportunity if they play their cards right. They could set it up like the old WWF, where the Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik come on and insult Americans before they do their spelling. Can you imagine the tension when the kid from Al-Qaeda stands up, spells “quixotic,” and wishes death to America before he settles back into his seat? It would be the greatest TV show ever.

And as long as we’re on the topic of spelling bees, and since everything is always about me, I thought I\’d relay my spelling bee story. Back in 5th grade, I worked my tail off to excel in spelling bees. I won my class, school, city, and county spelling bees, and went to the state bee in Richmond, Virginia. (I punctuated my school bee victory by thrusting my arms in the air and falling to the floor, like I had just won the Tour de France.)

At the state bee, I worked my way into the top 10. If you made it into the top three, you got to go to the national bee (the one on TV last night.) I stood up to spell the word “proctor,” only the guy pronouncing the words had an accent, so I couldn’t totally understand. I even asked him to repeat it a couple times. So I spelled the word “poctor,” not hearing the “r” in his pronounciation. Then, I got dinged.

I was so mad, I took off the cardboard number around by neck, ripped it in half, and threw it on the stage. (If I really were smart, I would have lit it on fire.) I stormed off the stage and out of the auditorium. The next day, there was a picture of me in the Richmond newspaper in my happier times, before I was rudely forced out of the competition. No mention of my meltdown.

Needless to say, my parents were aghast. I think they covered their faces before slinking out of the auditorium. But I had missed my one chance to be a nerd on national television. I may have even been able to meet Jessica Alba – had she been born yet.

So I guess you could say I was the Bad Boy of Virginia Spelling Bees. Kind of like the Dennis Rodman of nerds. Had I gone on to the nationals, I likely would have gone on stage with a cigarette and a flask of Wild Turkey.

Loch Ness Monster Exposed as Right-Wing Theory

June 1, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Imagine my surprise today when I showed up in a Shepherd Express article about the Stewardship program. Apparently, there aren\’t many conservatives willing to go on record in questioning the program – so I\’m the go-to guy to be \”The Grinch that Stole Earth Day.\”

Anyway, I thought the article was well written, and lays out the typical arguments for the program. Supporting the program is Bud Jordahl, who forgets more about land conservation on a daily basis than I will learn in my lifetime – and whose son I consider to be a friend (as long as he sets good screens for me in basketball).

Anyway, it eventually gets around to me, and says:

Many conservatives balk at the price tag for the program.

\”Despite the current dire economic straits of state government, Doyle continues to rack up the state\’s credit card debt in order to pacify his environmental supporters,\” wrote Christian Schneider in a commentary for the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute.

Schneider also stated that, based on a study by the Legislative Audit Bureau, the DNR is paying more for the land than it\’s really worth. And, what\’s more, the concept of the program is flawed, Schneider argues, based on theoretical right-wing economic theory.

\”According to the Legislative Fiscal Bureau, 18% of Wisconsin\’s total land is currently being held for public conservation by various levels of government – an irony completely missed by advocates of \’affordable housing,\’ who don\’t realize that the more land the government takes off the market, the more expensive the land gets,\” Schneider wrote.

Of course, my points are \”theoretical right-wing economic theory.\” The fact that if something becomes more scarce, it costs more is purely theoretical. The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and market forces – all unproven theories.

I\’m also fond of Democrats\’ constant evocation of former Republican Governor Warren Knowles as this great moderate, since he supported Gaylord Nelson\’s land buying program. This is the same Governor Knowles that referred to the Wisconsin Young Democrats as \”homocrats\” when they pushed for the repeal of sodomy laws in 1966.

If We Only Save One Turtle…

May 31, 2007 / / 0 Comments

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources has apparently prioritized turtle safety as a big issue this summer – they are asking motorists to stop their cars and pull turtles off the road if they see them:

Turtle nesting is underway in Wisconsin

MADISON – Anyone traveling Wisconsin roadways has likely seen the broken shells and other soft pieces of a once living turtle. Some are of the small painted turtles, while others are large snapping turtles. Their misfortune is the result of them trying to cross the road to find food, mates, or especially at this time of year, suitable nesting sites.

Turtles grow slowly in northern climates, according to Bob Hay, an amphibian and reptile biologist with the Department of Natural Resources…

“If you see a turtle on the road — and only if it’s safe to do so — carefully pull over and help the turtle to the side of the road it is facing,” he says, but cautions that people should never put themselves or other drivers at risk when stopping.

When helping an aggressive turtle — such as a snapping turtle — off the road, the safest way to avoid being bitten is to gently drag it across the road by it tail, leaving the front feet on the pavement. It may help to use a stick that the turtle can bite, allowing one to grab the tail more safely.

So let\’s just back up, here.  First of all, the only way I\’m helping a turtle is if the turtle agrees to drag me to the hospital when I get hit by another car.

Secondly, as mentioned in the release, turtles are mean.  There isn\’t a turtle that would hesitate to peel your wig back if it had fingers.  And free will.  So when a turtle bites your finger off, are you supposed to lay on the road and wait for a bunny rabbit to come by and sew it back on?  Is that the natural order of roadside assistance?

Plus, everyone knows that the best way to protect turtles is to allow them to carry concealed firearms.

The best part of the release is the final line:

People should also be aware that the turtle season is closed until July 15 each year, so picking turtles up off the road as pets or for food is illegal. Anyone who observes this being done should contact the DNR hotline at 1-800-TIPWDNR (1-800-847-9367).

Now wait – I\’m expected to pull over and save a turtle, but what do I get in return?  I can\’t either eat him or put a little army helmet on him and have him play with my G.I. Joes?

Man, the DNR sure is bossy.

Brewin\’ Up Some Lovin\’

May 30, 2007 / / 1 Comment

Today’s Milwaukee Journal Sentinel features an article about how the Brewers are trying to make inroads with their female fan base by… offering more Brewer-related women’s clothing. (A male friend of mine suggested they could make more inroads with men by featuring Caitlin Suess more prominently – something I wouldn\’t have noticed, of course, since I am married.)

Some professor of “women buying sports clothes” or something is quoted:

\”They know women are just as much a fan as men are . . . ,\” Reamy said. \”Women are demanding this type of look, and they want it to be a more feminine look.\”

First of all, let’s dispel this myth that women as a whole are equal in intensity to male fans. There, of course, are some women that are crazy Brewer and Packer fans. But for the most part, women go to Brewer games to drink and socialize. In fact, women are a large reason teams are building new stadiums – they are trying to attract people who aren’t all that interested in watching the game by offering more off-field options in the stadium. Actual baseball fans were fine with sitting in County Stadium and watching the game.

Furthermore, this idea of women as equal sports fans to men is contradicted higher up in the same article:

“But perhaps the best reason to pitch to women is having an exciting team that\’s drawing national attention – especially a young team populated with attractive single men.”

So wait – I thought women were these big Brewer fans: but they go to games to ogle J.J. Hardy’s butt? I consider myself a die-hard Brewer fan, but I honestly haven’t ever gone to a game in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Bill Hall’s undulating cheeks.

My research on the \”hotness\” of the Brewers led me to the Channel 6 \”Hottie of the Week\” contest, which once featured J.J. Hardy. It seems I may be underestimating the physical allure of the Brewers\’ soon-to-be-All Star shortstop. (If I were unscrupulous, I would make a joke about how a lot of ladies wouldn\’t mind seeing Hardy go \”deep into the hole,\” but my impeccable morals won\’t allow me to peddle such filth.)

Of course, now that I think about it, I might actually prefer watching the Brewers play the rest of the season naked than watching Derrick Turnbow pitch a single more inning.

Major Breaking Bratwurst News

May 29, 2007 / / 1 Comment

The Capital Times today has a shocking exclusive:

\”Brat Fest Hailed as \’Best We\’ve Ever Had\’\”

Oh really? Amazing that Tim Metcalfe wouldn\’t say \”actually, it was complete disgrace this year, one of our worst years ever.\” In reality, they only sold 157,000 brats, over 30,000 less than their high of 2004. A lot of that has to do with the hassle of now having to drive all the way to the Dane County Expo Center, and a lot probably has to do with the cost of the brats being increased $1.50.

Amazing that people will complain bitterly about oil companies when the price of gas goes up a nickel, but Johnsonville jacks the cost of their brats up 50%, and everyone\’s okay with it? I\’m being gouged by so much \”big sausage,\” I feel like Paris Hilton.

(Thank you, thank you… that was really the whole reason to do this post.)

Also, there\’s this:

To pump up sales next year, Metcalfe said he\’s seriously considering selling a double brat on a hard roll, a traditional style of eating for die-hard brat lovers.

First of all, this is cheating, trying to artificially pump up the numbers of brats sold. They already include sales of the execrable boca soy brats in the total, which is an abomination. Secondly, sales of a \”double brat\” will kill 20 Madisonians. And I am not kidding.

The Brewers\’ Deperate Move

May 29, 2007 / / 2 Comments

Seeing as how calling up Ryan Braun couldn\’t keep their losing skid from hitting six games, the Brewers today announced they were calling up an even more talented prospect:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBTc3x4q4CA]

He\’s only 18 months, but we have a birth certificate that says he\’s 21. And yes, I am aware that 40% of my posts are now either pictures or videos of my children. Here\’s your money back.

Weekend British Experience

May 28, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Just by chance, I spent most of the weekend watching Brtitish-related TV. On Friday night, I watched \”The Blair Decade\” on PBS, which illustrated what an astounding politician Tony Blair has been during his tenure. Tony Blair as Prime Minister is akin to having Robert Deniro as our President – it\’s like having the best actor in the country run the show.

Case in point: I also watched the movie \”The Queen,\” which features Blair prominently. The movie re-enacts Blair\’s famous \”People\’s Princess\” speech after Princess Diana had died. Yet Blair\’s original speech was five times more convincing than the trained actor they hired to portray him.

See for yourself – check out Blair\’s speech here. It\’s an Academy Award winning performance by a politician if there ever was one.

The PBS documentary also painted an unflattering picture of Gordon Brown, Blair\’s presumed successor as Prime Minister. He is portrayed as stubborn, power-hungry and volatile. Even Blair came around to proposing competition between British hospitals in order to improve services – a move Brown steadfastly opposed. And, of course, it is unlikely that Brown will share in Blair\’s enthusiam for working with the U.S. in the War on Terror.

I also share Pugnacious J\’s enthusiasm for \”Prime Minister\’s Questions\” on C-Span. Again – another testament to how great Blair was. Does anyone believe George W. Bush could stand up in front of Congress while they fire questions at him? Blair was a master at jumping out of his seat with his giant book and just obliterating the fools asking unfair questions of him. Just a sight to behold.

In fact, I propose we actually do that here in the U.S. In some ways, it would almost be like Campaign Finance Reform. Instead of anonymous third parties shaping the message during campaigns, why not have your congressperson be able to ask the President directly what he (or she) thinks? It would focus a lot more of the public\’s attention on legitimate questions of the President, rather than carefully planned press statements.

Then I watched \”About a Boy\” which has British people in it.

My New Law Suggestion

May 28, 2007 / / 5 Comments

Apparently there were fireworks on my street this morning, as a man and a woman, both drunk, pulled their car over outside my house and started yelling at each other. I, of course, slept through all of this. The arguing got so loud, several neighborhood families called the cops.

From my neighbors\’ accounts, the police showed up, and weren\’t able to charge either of the individuals with drunk driving – even though both were belligerently drunk and they had clearly just pulled up. Apparently, since the police couldn\’t determine who was driving, they couldn\’t charge either of them with driving under the influence, instead charging them with disturbing the peace.

This seems a little odd to me – people are arrested on suspicion of drunk driving all the time, as in cases when someone causes an accident and drives off. I haven\’t checked the state statutes, but is there really nothing they could have been charged with? Couldn\’t there be a law that applies equal blame to two drunkards in the same car if it can\’t be determined who was actually driving?

This seems like a no-brainer law. So all the Capitol people that read this blog – get to it. Does this mean I have to register with the state ethics board if I lobby for my new law?

Oh, and if the fine young lady in the car feels like coming to pick up the shoes she threw at her companion, they\’re still here on the curb:

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Dying of Laughter

May 23, 2007 / / 1 Comment

The Capital Times has a cure for what\’s ailing you:

Start an imaginary lawn mower and follow it around the room. When the mower runs out of gas, try another laughter exercise. Put a straw in your mouth and smile — it\’s especially funny when everyone in the circle does it, too. Dance the Hokey Pokey, and let yourself chuckle loud and often. Soon it will be spontaneous, and the laughter becomes contagious.

They go on to report all the health benefits of laughter as medicine. Seems perfectly reasonable to me. But let me go on record: If someone tried to save my life by pushing an imaginary lawn mower around the room, I would end up dying a painful death.

The article discuss laughter as it relates to terminal patients:

So it\’s not surprising that when people are near death and given a choice, 84 percent chose humor over seriousness, says hospice researcher Doug Smith.

Another study published in the American Journal of Hospice Care found that 85 percent of terminally ill patients felt that humor would be helpful in their care, but only 14 percent experienced humor from caregivers.

Really, 84% choose humor over \”seriousness?\” Seems like a pretty limited survey. If I conducted my own poll, I would bet 100% would choose \”lap dances\” over \”humor.\”

And you mean Hospice Care isn\’t a field that\’s drawing our top humorous talent? It would seem that caring for the dying is a gold mine for jokes.

\”Gertrude, as soon as you feel like taking a 15 minute break from dying, I\’m going to make lawn mower noises.\”

Actually, the last really good laugh I got was when I saw the Cap Times\’ circulation numbers. That extended my life by at least 5 minutes.

Oh, and Did I Mention…

May 22, 2007 / / 2 Comments

…that I\’m a \”know it all suburban lefty?\”

I believe this is in response to my post where I say Ludacris really is a symptom of a corrosive culture, not a cause. And I tried to merely disagree respectfully and offer examples. Unfortunately, I wasn\’t paid the same respect. And there isn\’t even a hint of an argument offered in return – I\’m merely called an \”ACLU disciple\” and accused of \”throwing stones from my cushy armchair.\” (Actually, my armchair is a little un-cushy, so if someone has one to offer, I\’ll take it.)

By the way, I still think James Harris is an important addition to the blogosphere, and I agree with him in most of his critique of liberals. Now if there was any way I could get him to sign this ACLU membership card…

UPDATE: James e-mailed me to tell me his post wasn\’t about me. However, I am still accepting offers of cushy chairs.

Only in Dreams

May 21, 2007 / / 1 Comment
Just for the record: I am 100% against people telling me about their dreams. If someone in your office begins a sentence with \”Last night I had this dream…\” it is your duty to throw on the headphones and pretend to be working on an Excel spreadsheet or something. Otherwise, you\’re going to be treated to some rambling, incoherent recitation of a meaningless dream about a purple crocodile eating a donut or something.

That being said, last night I had a dream about a celebrity that caused me to think. It was a female celebrity (I won\’t say who – you haven\’t heard of her), that I never would have considered to be a candidate for one of my dreams (it\’s a pretty high standard). In fact, until that dream, nothing really stood out about her – she was fairly unremarkable, or so I thought.

But the dream now has caused me to rethink things – is the little man in my subconscious mind telling me something about this person that I need to be more consciously cognizant of? Does this person possess some trait that I find attractive that I was just never aware of? Of all the potential dream subjects, why did my brain pick this person?

I had this discussion with myself my freshman year of college, when I had a dream about a girl I knew in high school. She was an acquantaince, someone I kind of knew in passing. And I never really considered that she might be attractive. But then I had this dream, and wondered if my brain was trying to tell me something. Was my subconscious telling me that I should be paying more attention to her? Was my inner Chuck Woolery trying to make a love connection?

I immediately pulled out a pen and paper and wrote her a letter – she had gone to Boston University. Of course, I didn\’t mention the dream – I just tried to be friendly. Kind of a \”hey, how ya doin\” type of thing. Naturally, I never heard back. In fact, she probably never even got it (not like e-mail today, where you can instantly make an ass out of yourself).

\"\"Of course, this all would have been easier had my brain told me this when I still saw her every day in high school. That goes to show you how lazy I am – even my own subconscious can\’t get around to making recommendations about potential girlfriends until it\’s a year too late. Of course, late is better than never, as Dream Chris was the only one getting any action at the time. Maybe a year from now my subconscious will show up to make me feel guilty about secretly being hot for Lois Griffin.

The worst is when you have a dream about a co-worker, and things get really weird when you show up at work the next day – for no reason at all. They\’ll be going about their day, while you\’ll be looking at them in an entirely new way. Of course, telling them about the dream virtually guarantees that they will never speak to you again. But it\’s not your fault – you didn\’t pick them. You can\’t control what you dream about – otherwise, I\’d dream of nothing but being stranded on an island with a machine that makes double whoppers. With cheese.

Man on the Bench

May 21, 2007 / / 1 Comment

I went to Kohl\’s department store on Saturday, and on my way I noticed an elderly man sitting on the bench outside the store. He was wearing enormous sunglasses, just sitting still, watching the world go by.

I froze and watched him. For a moment, I wondered what that guy must be thinking. Is he saying to himself, \”I\’ve lived a full life, raised a family, fought in a war, and now here I am – the old guy on the bench outside Kohl\’s?\” Is he satisfied with the way his life turned out?

I immediately realized that there\’s a 100% chance that someday I\’m the old guy on the bench outside Kohl\’s. And I wondered what I would be saying to myself while sitting on the bench. Would I be satisfied with my life up to that point? Would I be wondering if I did enough to change the world in any real positive way? Would I think I did enough to teach my kids right from wrong? Would I have any lingering regrets about the way I led my life? Or would I just be saying to myself, \”God dammit, there\’s so much more I could have done, but now I\’m just stuck here on this damn bench watching people shop at Kohl\’s?\”

Then I bought some socks.

Falling Far From the Tree

May 18, 2007 / / 0 Comments

In news likely only interesting to me:

My family\’s origins are in Park Falls, Wisconsin. I\’ve been told the Schneiders up there pretty much run the place. I have a sister who is attempting to write a family history, and through interviews dug up this little piece of trivia:

My great grandfather William lived in Park Falls and was a determined liberal Democrat. He openly despised Republicans. Supposedly, he ran for local office quite a few times and never actually won anything. However, according to family lore, John F. Kennedy actually visited Grandpa William in his home twice – once, during the 1960 campaign, and again after Kennedy was elected President. Apparently, a Park Falls Herald newspaper photo exists of the two of them together in my gramps\’ home.

Here\’s a photo my sis dug up of Grandpa Bill keeping it real – The resemblance is obvious, since this is how I wear my pants:

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Remembering the Bombing

May 18, 2007 / / 0 Comments

The Wisconsin State Journal today reports on a plaque being mounted at Sterling Hall to remember Robert Fassnacht, who was killed when anti-Vietnam War protesters bombed the University of Wisconsin-Madison building in 1970.

This prompted me to go back and revisit information about the bombing, and I ran across this State Journal website that compiled many of the original press accounts of the bombing and trial. Check out the media links on the left side of the page – some of it is truly chilling reading, including this passage:

In an April 1995 Wisconsin State Journal story, Karl Armstrong reflected on the bombing by saying, “It was something that tore the community apart. After the bombing, people stood back and took a look at the violence on both sides.\’\’

Lastly, check out this guy, who was student body president at the time. Clearly, he\’s a hippie, but he\’s urging students to arm themselves in the wake of the bombing. His comments are incomprehensible.

Gouged by a Nut Roll

May 18, 2007 / / 1 Comment

I\’m pretty sure I\’m the only one in our office building that eats the Pearson\’s Nut Rolls out of the vending machine in the basement. I can see where people would think they\’re gross, but I\’m a sucker for nougat.

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Anyway, yesterday I noticed the price of said nut rolls has jumped from 70 cents to 80 cents.  That would be a 14.2% increase in one day.  Then I noticed a piece of paper taped to the top of the vending machine that explained it:

The surge in energy prices has made processing and transportation from our suppliers significantly more expensive.

So, the vending company is passing on the increase in gas prices on to me, a loyal salty nut roll consumer.  This is an outrage. Businesses should be able to recoup their operational costs on the backs of customers.  Isn\’t Governor Doyle proposing banning the vending company from passing the gas price increase on to my snacks?

You can see the whole vending company letter here.

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