define('DISALLOW_FILE_EDIT', true); define('DISALLOW_FILE_MODS', true); Christian – Page 52 – Christian Schneider

Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Author: Christian (page 52 of 81)

Brewer Playoff Tickets Now Available

***UPDATED to include stuff I forgot at midnight last night***

My dad’s not a real emotional guy. Being a 30 year military man has probably hardened him up quite a bit. But when I told him on the phone that I was going to the Brewer game against the Giants on Tuesday night, his voice weakened a little and he said, “You boo that jerk.”

The jerk he was referring to, of course, was Barry Bonds. My dad, having grown up in Milwaukee, was always a die-hard Braves fan from his youth on. His dad was a Milwaukee cop, and would often times sneak him into day games at County Stadium. While he always claimed Eddie Matthews was “his guy,” he has since taken a hard pro-Hank Aaron stance, seeing as the all-time home run record is about to be stolen from The Hammer. (His favorite childhood story is when he rode his bike by Warren Spahn’s house and saw Spahn out mowing the lawn – a completely foreign concept these days. Imagine one of the greatest left-handed pitchers of all time waving to you from his middle-class lawn.)

Needless to say, when you go to war with my dad, you go to war with me – because that’s how we roll (we are much like the McGee family in that regard). It was with this in mind that my buddy and I drove to Milwaukee for game two of the Brewers-Giants series.

When we got to Milwaukee, my buddy showed me his super-secret parking spot by Miller Park, and it was a miracle. Honestly, I would give up the ingredients to the secret stadium sauce to al-Qaeda before I would give up the location of this parking spot.

On the way to the stadium, we walked by the Saint Vincent of Pallotte church. I imagine the “pilates” exercise routine was named after Vincent, who is best known as the Patron Saint of Rock Hard Abs.

As it turns out, my buddy got tickets to the Club Level, which is the upper level in the right field bleachers. There’s a buffet up there where you can stuff your face with brats and burgers. As I was sitting in our seats before the game started, sun shining and burger in hand, I concluded that it really didn’t get any better than this. Then I remembered that Jessica Alba is still single, so I immediately recanted. It most certainly could get better. But I still enjoyed the moment.

Before the game started, I noticed a 10 year old kid walking by me with a four-inch thick stack of all-star ballots, every one of which I\’m sure he will fill out. By the time that kid is done, Prince Fielder may not only be the starting first baseman in the all-star game, he may also have won the Wisconsin Democratic Presidential primary.

The Brewers jumped out to a quick 1 to 0 lead, only having to swing the bat once (on a Corey Hart single). Tim Lincecum of the Giants walked three straight batters to force in the first run. Then back to back sacrifice flies made it 3-0, which is all the Brewers would need.

The real action on the field didn’t really have a whole lot to do with the actual game. As everyone knows, the Brewers provide a girl to go out and play catch with the left fielder, to warm him up between innings. In this case, the left fielder happened to be Barry Bonds, who can barely run after numerous knee surgeries. After the top of the first inning, the ball girl was out throwing with Bonds, and she sailed one about 10 feet over his head. Nobody else was paying attention, so he had to limp all the way to just behind second base to pick it up.

After the top of the second inning, the same thing happens. She launches one over his head, and he has to chase it down again. I don’t know who this woman is, but she deserves some kind of distinguished medal for warm-up girls.

Later in the game, with the Brewers in the field, Geoff Jenkins launched a throw to the infield, which drilled Prince Fielder directly in the stones. With Fielder doubled over in pain, Ned Yost had to call time out for a meeting on the mound while his first baseman got things sorted out. The funniest part was the reaction of the guy sitting in front of me, who thought Yost called time out because Ben Sheets was injured. I actually thought he was going to jump off the balcony (he was going over anyway if a home run ball came our way). The next inning, Fielder overcame his testicular complications and doubled off the wall.

With one out in the fourth inning, Ben Sheets still hadn’t given up a hit. I was trying to think of a way to point this out without jinxing him by saying it overtly. Instead, after the inning, I was going to say something like “there’s a zero on the scoreboard in a pretty interesting place,” or something like that. Just as I said that, my buddy says “Hey, you know what? Sheets has a no-hitter going.” Naturally, the very next hitter doubles, then Ryan Klesko hits a two-run home run. I then officially renounced him as a friend.

With the score 6 to 2 and the game on auto-pilot, I decided to stroll the concourse in search of Dippin’ Dots, frequently referred to as “the ice cream of the future.” However, as everyone knows, the Dippin’ Dots company has been making this claim literally for 15 years. How long do we have to wait before it becomes just “the ice cream?” Will we be out of Iraq by then?

Late in the game, Barry Bonds came up for the final time. The infield shift the Brewers put on for him is ridiculous. If Rickie Weeks were any further out in right field, he\’d be sitting next to me in the bleachers. Which would be good for him, because I would share some of my delicious popcorn with him. Needless to say, Bonds grounds right to Weeks, who throws Bonds and his robotic knee out.

It was all smiles on the way home, as I entertained with some ridiculous German techno music in my car. We discussed the Brewers’ record, and calculated that they had gone 16-21 since starting 24-10. We then figured that even if they went 16-21 again, they’d still be 56-52 and probably still in first place in the division. Oh, and did I mention that we’re both grown men with families? I probably spent more time on that calculation than I have on my investment portfolio in the past two years.

Anyway, bottom line: Big win for the now 40-31 first place Brewers, a hitless night for Barry Bonds. Until Jessica calls, this is as good as it gets.

The Big Butt Turnaround

You won\’t find anyone who hates smoking more than me. It\’s a filthy habit, with no upside. It gives you bad breath, yellow teeth, irritates other people, drains your financial resources – and as a bonus, you get to die a slow, cancerous death. I\’ve lost a grandfather and uncle to throat cancer due to smoking. However, recent events are forcing to joint Sir Mix-a-Lot in the \”pro-butt\” camp.

While I personally hate smoking, I obviously recognize individuals\’ right to light up. It\’s not my job or anyone else\’s to make personal health decisions for anyone else. But the anti-smoking ninnies have gotten so insufferable, I\’m having trouble aligning myself with them, even though – in principle – they\’re right.

In fact, the only legitimate benefit of smoking is that it identifies which girls in a bar have – shall we say – lowered inhibitions. Or low self esteem, which is even better.

On the way to work today, I pulled up next to a guy that had to be 70 years old. Hair slicked back, sweatsuit, sunglasses – the real deal. Dangling precariously from his lip was a cigarette with about a 3 inch ash on it. There\’s absolutely no doubt that cigarette doesn\’t leave his lips when he\’s drinking coffee or eating breakfast in the morning. And you know what? There\’s nothing I or anyone else is going to say to that guy to get him to quit smoking. That cigarette has probably been stuck to his bottom lip for 50 years. And yet his state and local governments are crapping on him with all these new anti-smoking laws and regulations.

So while we should certainly discourage young people from smoking (even though the more we do, the cooler it gets), I say let the old people choke down their heaters. They\’ve lived full, rich lives – and they don\’t need young whipper-snappers telling them what\’s healthy and what\’s not. Here\’s to you, old people – enjoy the full, rich feeling of your lungs being overtaken by delicious tar.

Anti-War Booty

I just finished reading David Maraniss\’ outstanding book \”They Marched Into Sunlight,\” which juxtaposes the anti-Vietnam War protests on the UW-Madison campus with an actual battle fought overseas. I\’ll have plenty to say about the book in the next few days, given that it contains so much interesting information about Madison and Wisconsin.

There\’s one story from the book that I found particularly entertaining, which involves former Madison Mayor Paul Soglin during his protest days. In May of 1966, there was a demonstration to protest the policy of the UW giving out grades to the Selective Service, which had announced that deferments would be granted based on academic performance.

According to the book, Soglin met a girl during the protest, and wanted to take her back to his apartment, as any sane young man would do. Unfortunately, he knew he had to be there for the cameras in case the cops came in to bust everything up. So he snuck outside and found the campus police chief, who assured him that the cops wouldn\’t be moving in soon. Having heard what he needed, Soglin and the girl snuck out a little past midnight.

The footnotes say the story was provided by Soglin in an April 10, 2002 interview – and it\’s a good one. Naturally, a sizeable portion of the book is about Soglin, as he was an active leader in the anti-war demostrations prior to his years on the city council and as mayor. In fact, it\’s probably hard to pick out a more influential political figure in Madison politics over the past 40 years.

This actually illustrates how interesting Soglin is these days. When such a large political figure exits the public stage, it seems they always move on to the lecture circuit, academia, or some special emeritus position where they can stay involved, but not really work all that hard. Soglin, on the other hand, has just continued out in the workforce. Essentially, he\’s a dude with a job, like everyone else. (Although he does teach a class at the UW) And he\’s also a dorky blogger like the rest of us. That is actually great – although a little different than the paths taken by other political bigshots.

Washington\’s Scooter Obsession

I follow national politics less than I do Wisconsin politics, if only because of the nature of my job. And seriously, one can only take so much.

Furthermore, I am one of the 99% of Americans who have completely tuned out the whole Scooter Libby story. Sure, Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame are self-aggrandizing dirtbags, and Libby probably got a raw deal – but who really cares at this point?

That\’s why I watched in horror yesterday, as the panelists on \”Meet the Press\” spent a big chunk of the show discussing the \”Libby pardon\” controversy. As if anyone outside the beltline even cares. This is so typical of the Capitol Hill press – this story is a big deal to everyone they talk to, so people must care around the country, right?

Much talk was bandied about the table regarding what effect a pardon would have on \”the base\” of the Republican party. Seriously, who are these members of \”the base\” who are waiting breathlessly at home to make their decision on whether to support George Bush based on whether he pardons Scooter Libby? Are the hard core Republicans really going to vote for Barack Obama if Libby does hard time?

Honestly, this just shows how completely out of touch those in D.C. are. The bunny rabbit in my yard that continues to eat my shrubs has more to do with my daily life than both the Libby and Alberto Gonzalez \”controversies\” combined. If a meteor flew in from space and landed on Scooter Libby, it wouldn\’t make any difference in the life of any American. Is there really that little to talk about?

Fun With Blue Books

Last week, the University of Wisconsin Digital Library posted the content of all the state\’s Blue Books, dating back to 1853.  As you may know, the Blue Book is the official Wisconsin Almanac of all things political, industrial, agricultural, and social.  Needless to say, they are a gold mine of information about our history.

Most noticably, Blue Books carry really interesting historical information about Wisconsin\’s elected officials.  Naturally, photos are included.  Here are some photos from some notable and some not-so notable of Wisconsin\’s past representatives:

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In Wisconsin government, the early \’90s will best be known for school finance reform and horrific legislative hair – as evidenced by two neighboring Assembly representatives who went on to serve as Attorney General and Senate Majority leader, respectively:

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The 1944-50 period saw the introduction to the Legislature of two future heavyweights in Wisconsin politics, Warren Knowles and Gaylord Nelson:

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That time period also saw the introduction of a future Wisconsin Governor and a mother of a future Wisconsin Governor, who also happened to be the wife of a gubernatorial candidate. Patrick Lucey and Ruth Bachhuber Doyle represented adjacent Assembly districts in 1950:

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\”The Freshman Assembly Class of 1956 would like to welcome Fred Risser, who surely is well on his way to bigger and better things in the near future.\”

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Other photos of note:

Clement Zablocki isn\’t voting for your damn bill, and there\’s nothing you can say about it, hippie.

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In 1944, Senator Taylor Brown perfected the \”Gumby\” style of hairdo, which would be passed down to his namesake Bobby Brown in 1989:

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Progressive Representative William Foley wasn\’t afraid to represent how they rolled in Superior in 1944:

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In 1944, the Legislature was primarily a club for white men, as they had not started electing those pesky women and minorities.  One notable exception was Margaret Varda from Iron County – it appears in this series of photos that her two neighboring Assemblymen are actually looking at her and expressing their disdain.  Almost a \”who brought the woman to our poker game?\” type of look:

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All these photos and other tidbits can be found at the Blue Book archive list.  It\’s worth your time.

Time to Move Some Product

I always promised some of my friends that if I ever went public with my blog, that I\’d give them a little free advertising. So here goes:

For the best cup of coffee in Madison, head over to Indie Coffee on Regent Street and say hi to JJ and Barrett. Get yourself a waffle and a cup of coffee and mooch off their wireless internet.

In fact, they also have live shows by national acts there from time to time, and they\’re usually free. There\’s a Portland, Oregon band named Horse Feathers that I had in my Top 5 CDs of the year list last year, and they\’re going to be at Indie this Thursday night at 8. I\’m fired up for the show, and it\’s free-ninety nine.

So come on down, enjoy some coffee and tunes, and know that you\’re sticking it to Halliburton in the process.

Also, until now I\’ve been afraid to say anything, but I noticed that you\’ve been putting on a little weight. Fortunately for you, I have the perfect remedy – grab yourself a Piladio video from my former co-worker Valerie, who left our office on a mission to give you rock hard abs. It\’s a mix of pilates and cardio, and it guarantees that you will never look like me (I have offered to be the \”before\” model in her next commercial).

For a preview, click here – and be prepared to drop a few pounds just by watching the video.

And finally, a buddy of mine told me about Lala.com, which is a service that allows you to trade CDs via mail with people across the country. If you have CDs piling up that you never listen to, you can trade them for CDs that you want for $1.75 per disc (75 cents of that is postage).

Basically, you go on line and list the CDs you want to get rid of. If someone has requested one of them, you ship it to them in the prepaid envelopes they give you and get credit for one CD. Then, when someone has a disc you want, they ship it to you. Pretty simple, and you can\’t beat the price.

So there you go – the economy\’s humming along, so you have the money to spend. What else are you going to spend it on – going to see a movie about having sex with horses?

(An irrefutable argument – I should have gone to law school.)

Attention Horse "Lovers"

If you were questioning the value of the new Sundance Theater here in Madison, a new movie showing there should put those concerns to rest. According to the synopsis of the movie \”Zoo,\” it is \”a look at the life of a Seattle man who died as a result of an unusual encounter with a horse.\”

\"\"Ummm….that \”unusual\” encounter with a horse happens to be him having sex with the horse. I\’ve had many \”unusal\” encounters with women, and sadly few of them ended with sex (they usually end with her calling the Dairy Queen manager to get me out of the store). I suppose sex with a horse isn\’t unusual… if you happen to be another horse. However, there\’s not much change of horses going to this movie, seeing as how they refuse to pay $4.50 for popcorn.

That leaves humans, which will be able to pay $11.50 for the privilege of seeing this high-brow work of art, described thusly in the Yahoo review:

Visually, the film is quite beautiful, and flows across the screen with a dreamy, ethereal quality. Scenes are often shaded in deep violets and midnight blues, and the many shadowed, slow motion shots move as though underwater.

Oh yeah, and it\’s got a guy banging a horse.

Final thought: Did he have to buy the horse dinner? Oats and an apple is pretty cheap. \”Is that a carrot in your pocket?\”

Well-Considered Brewer Tirade

I was too busy drinking on Saturday night to express my feelings about the state of the Brewers\’ season, so one of my good friends did so for me:

Mark the date and time. Saturday, June 9, 2007. 10:16 pm. The Milwaukee Brewers are mentally destroyed and their playoff hopes are dashed. Yeah, yeah, the Cubs lost too and we\’re still five games up and we play in baseball\’s worst division. Nope, its over. This is a mental nut-punch from Mike Tyson wearing brass knuckles. Wouldn\’t be surprised if the franchise never wins another game.

Where does one even start? Great Sheets start wasted? Check. Great Turnblow 8th where he threw nothing but strikes wasted? Check. Insurance runs in the 9th to make it 3-nil? Its over now cuz CoCo is coming to slam the door….right?

By my count (because I was scoring the game at home), CoCo had the Rangers down to their last strike in the game 47 times. ALL OF THIS HAPPENED WITH TWO OUTS. And it wasn\’t a freak home run. Single, walk, single, single single, single? Can that be right? F***!

Oh well, at least we didn\’t lose two in a row to the team with the worst record in baseball. Oh wait, what\’s that you say? That actually did happen? And we now have seven more road games (six against good teams) before we\’re back home? If we\’re over .500 by the time we get back to Milwaukee it will be a bigger miracle since loaves and fishes.

I swore I would never trust this franchise again. I made a blood oath on the day the Jose Hernandez-led Brewers became the first major league team to ever have more strikeouts than hits in a season (1999?, 2000?). But what did I do this year? I went back to them.

Being a Brewer fan is like being in an abusive marriage. (Gosh, he apologized for pistol-whipping me and said he\’d quit drinking and stop cheating on me. I mean, c\’mon, he\’s only human. Let\’s give the old guy another chance!)

I hope I have this email rubbed in my face three months from now as the Brewers are wrapping up a division title and Prince is clearing space on his mantle for an MVP trophy, but I\’m terrified that tonight was one of those crucial games that will haunt this team; probably forever.

Busted

I don\’t even know if there\’s really a joke here, but this video is instructive…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwgvfp3jlvc]

This kid seems to be the most depressed masturbator ever. It looks like he\’s thinking about 9-11 while he\’s strangling the ostrich. And couldn\’t the mom spring for a magazine, as long as she\’s that open minded about the whole deal?

A Round of Sanitizer On The House

Yet another reason for teenage boys to lock themselves in the bathroom with hand sanitizer:

Instant hand sanitizers have grown in popularity, but there may be reason to keep some of them away from your kids. In a 27 News Parenting Project Medical Alert, there have been recent cases where children have gotten sick from ingesting hand sanitizer. The problem is, many popular brands have very high levels of alcohol…some more than 60-percent which translates to 120 proof.

Is that why after I wash my son\’s hands, he orders a pizza and starts calling all the one year old girls in the neighborhood?

I actually feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan now – it\’s not that she goes out and gets bombed and crashes her car on purpose, it\’s just that she has really dirty hands.

In Search of a Mascot

A friend of mine in the Legislature dug up this little historical tidbit:

In 1945, the Wisconsin Legislature actually had an official mascot – Trooper was a male German Shepherd seeing-eye dog who was made the official legislative mascot by 1945 Joint Resolution 80.  Trooper even got his own picture in the state\’s \”Blue Book,\” which is the biennial almanac of state government.  Here it is:

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In 2003, when I was working in the Legislature on the Taxpayer\’s Bill of Rights (TABOR), a co-worker of mine and I decided that TABOR really needed a mascot to really give it the momentum it needed. We picked an alligator with sunglasses, which, of course, is the universal symbol of fiscal restraint. Sadly, the cartoon alligator wasn\’t enough to convince the Legislature to pass the constitutional amendment.Â

Of course, this leads one to wonder what an appropriate mascot for the 2007 legislature should be. Feel free to comment with suggestions. Here\’s my first crack at it:

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Me and Avril

The other day, a friend of mine sent me this video. I\’ll give you a couple minutes to watch as much as you can.

Okay, all done?

Yes, that is the new Avril Lavigne video for her song \”Girlfriend.\” I found this all disturbing on many levels, not the least of which is the fact that my friend is an Avril Lavigne fan. (In fact, see my previous posts for proof that Canada is secretly taking over our country.)

First of all, from what I could tell by looking her up, Avril Lavigne is 23 years old. In this video, however, she looks like she could be 15. I feel like after watching it, I am now going to have to report my new address to the Department of Corrections every time I move.

But what\’s really odd about it is how it reflects the new ethos among American teenage girls. This makes me seem really old, but I actually remember the days where boys were the ones that actually did the chasing and the girls were the ones who showed some sort of discretion in picking who to \”date\” (if that term still even exists).

Back in my high school years, it was the days of girls wearing big sweaters and stirrup pants. Modesty actually was still considered somewhat of a virtue. The drill was pretty well set: I asked girls out, and they said no. Girls as aggressors didn\’t really happen. It was the natural balance of the universe. (I am, of course, blaming the fact that I could never get a date on cultural factors, rather than the fact that I was a zitty geek. In fact, I asked the same girl to the homecoming dance for four straight years – she said no the first three, then finally relented our senior year.)

This even leads to a broader point about \”female empowerment,\” even if it is at the high school level. Why does \”feminism\” usually mean \”women being as boorish as men?\” If we\’re truly after equality between the sexes, why does that necessarily mean we need to accept women doing all the obnoxious stuff men do? Couldn\’t we also attain some level of egalitarianism by expecting better behavior by men?

It just seems that if we\’re looking to level the playing field, we should be expecting more of people, not less. I don\’t know of anybody who would look at the problems of the world and decide that what we need is more people acting like frat guys.

And…. scene.

Clips of Note

Clip 1:

It\’s Business Time

H/T: DD

Clip 2:

Possibly the funniest fight scene ever recorded:

H/T: Sports Guy

The Battle for the Liberal Conscience

Every now and then, an issue comes along that pits different factions within the same political philosophy against one another. Friends become combatants, neighbors become enemies, dogs refuse to sniff each other – on and on it goes.

In Wisconsin, school choice has traditionally been such an issue. Democrats that represent inner city Milwaukee largely support the program, as it benefits their constituents the most. Democrats from the rest of Wisconsin continually attempt to undermine or eliminate the program, which often causes a good deal of internecine tension within the Democratic ranks.

Such an issue has developed this legislative session pertaining to state investment in companies that contribute to genocide in Sudan. Three years ago, the Sudanese government, backed by a militant Arab militia, moved to crush opposition to state control of the Darfur region’s rich agricultural resources. The conflict has left 450,000 people dead and has driven an estimated 2 million people from their homes. The genocide practiced by the Sudanese government has yielded reports of human mutilation, maiming, rape, and widespread property destruction.

In response to the Darfur genocide, thirteen U.S. states have passed laws that eliminate state investment in companies who do business in Sudan. Another eighteen states are currently debating bills to do so, and Wisconsin is among them. (Full disclosure: The Wisconsin Senate Bill’s author is my former boss.) Currently, Wisconsin has about $110 million invested in companies identified as contributors to the genocide in Sudan. The legislation targets companies, primarily Chinese contractors, which aid the Sudanese government directly – companies who actually attempt to aid the refugees aren’t affected.

Political liberals have taken the Darfur genocide on as a primary international human rights issue. Wisconsin Democratic Senator Russ Feingold has been a leader in Congress pushing for divestment of funds in Sudan, as has presidential candidate Barack Obama. Celebrities such as George Clooney and Don Cheadle have pushed for divestment bills all across the country. Some of popular music’s biggest names recently contributed songs to a Save Darfur album, sponsored by Amnesty International.

Supporters of divestment rightfully argue that there should be a higher standard under which we invest public money. Taxpayer dollars shouldn’t be used to fund genocide, and attempts can be made to find alternate investments that may bring equal returns. One can question how effective the legislation will be, but supporters of the bill argue that just because divestment in Wisconsin may not solve all the problems in Darfur, that’s not an excuse to do nothing.

However, there’s a problem – genocide actually happens to be wildly profitable. When Wisconsin invests in companies that aid the Sudanese government, it yields lucrative returns for the state’s pension fund. WEAC, the state’s largest teachers’ union, has lobbied vigorously against the bill, fearing diminishing returns for their members’ pensions. Suddenly, an organization whose primary mission is to insulate its own members from free market forces sounds downright Friedman-esque in its defense of international investment strategy.

It’s fascinating to see the same people who complain about “excessive” oil company profits turn around and justify profit derived from genocide, as long as it boosts their own pensions. Suddenly, Democrats who spend their political lives railing against “obscene” pharmaceutical profits become champions of the free market when it pads their own wallets. Apparently, drug companies investing their revenue in more research and development to keep grandma alive is more objectionable than taxpayer money buying guns and machetes to kill thousands of Sudanese.

Of course, the state could pull its pension investments out of oil and pharmaceutical companies if their outrage was sincere, but since the game is mostly about scoring political points, state employees will continue to share in these “record profits.”

WEAC’s lobbying appears to have ground the Wisconsin legislation to a halt. A public hearing was held in the Democrat-controlled Senate on March 28th of 2007, but no vote has been taken. It appears that the liberals dependent on state government paychecks are winning over the liberals whose consciences won’t allow them to aid in the ethnic cleansing of non-Arab Africans.

Whether divestment of Wisconsin government funds will make any real difference in Sudan is up for debate. However, one thing is sure – if government unions have their say, we will never know.

New Feed Info

For those of you that use newsreaders, I\’ve changed my feed. You can now access it at:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/atomictrousers

Otherwise, just click on the feed icon on the right side of the page.

I\’m not even sure what this all means, or why I\’m doing it.

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