Christian – Page 54 – Christian Schneider

Author: Christian (page 54 of 81)

The Ludacris Dissent

May 18, 2007 / Christian / 4 Comments

In the wake of rapper Ludacris being announced as a performer at Summerfest, I posted a semi-defense of rap music the other night. The blogosphere is still wrestling with the issue of \”gangsta rap,\” given the recent shooting of a four year old girl in Milwaukee. Some local personalities who I respect, some who I like, and some, well… some who have radio shows – are suggesting that there\’s a link between Ludacris\’ profane persona and the tragic shooting of Jasmine Owens. Nothing could be further from the truth. It\’s misguided to suggest somehow one has begotten the other, merely because they both happened in a close time period. Therefore, I respectfully dissent.

Regarding Ludacris\’ appearance at Summerfest, James T. Harris says:

I’m calling on Mr. Smiley and the Summerfest board to reverse their asinine decision. This is not the time to arm enemy combatants with weapons of ideology. That is what the rap culture is. An ideological weapon of mass destruction.

Milwaukeeans, Wisconsinites and who ever else reads this blog: It is time to view the culture of violence in a new light. We can no longer just be serious about this. We must take the problem personally.

It is time to live and or die by principles. Right now, children are dying for nothing at all. If we’re not careful, that’s what they’ll be living for, too.

As far as I know, Ludacris didn\’t shoot anybody. Suggesting that he, a popular entertainer, is in any way responsible for violence on the street has it exactly backwards. That\’s like blaming the importation of cocaine into the U.S. on Tony Montana. Jasmine Owens was shot by a criminal. And why people who usually abhor those who blame the criminal actions of individuals on society are now handing the killers a \”rapper made me do it\” defense is beyond me.

The nihilistic culture of violence and sexuality exists in our inner city, and Ludacris is holding a mirror up to that way of life so it can see itself. Ludacris is a byproduct of that culture – the culture is not a byproduct of Ludacris.

Rappers aren\’t millionaires because they sell CDs to black people. Rappers gain fame worldwide because they sell CDs to white people. Suburban white kids eat this stuff up because it makes them feel \”authentic.\” If you looked at Ludacris\’ record sales, I bet you\’d see just as many CDs sold in Brookfield, Menomonee Falls, and Franklin as you do in Milwaukee. But where is the violence in those \”white\” communities? If Ludacris was such a negative influence, why aren\’t all the white kids in Oconomowoc gunning each other down? I\’be been listening to rap virtually my whole life – including some of the most objectionable – and yet I\’ve miraculously avoided capping anyone in the ass.

It\’s simple – because the culture comes first. Fatherlessness. Poverty. Lawlessness. Those are the problems that face our inner cities – rap music just packages those themes and markets them to the world. In fact, much of rap music emplores African-Americans to rise up against the tide of racism to succeed. If rappers were so influential, why hasn\’t that happened?

There\’s plenty of sewer-grade entertainment out there for white people to consume, and some of it is very popular. When Quentin Tarantino movies feature sadistic violence and drug use, we write it off as entertainment. When the group Slayer \”sings\” the following on their CD \”God Hates Us All,\” nobody bats an eye:

I\’m suicidal, maniacal, self-destructive

You leave me no hope, no life

Nothing worth living for I\’ve taken it, can\’t take it anymore

My worst nightmare

You make me want to slit my own f***ing throat

Just so I\’ll be rid of you

Just to get rid of you

You self-righteous f***

Give me a reason not to rip your f***ing face off

Why don\’t you take a good look in these eyes

Cause I\’m the one that\’s gonna tear your f***ing heart out

My hate is contagious; you\’ve got no one to run to

EXILE

Just tell me f***ing why everything becomes an issue

Your opinion is always senseless – f*** this

You make my f***ing skin crawl

I\’ve lived with it – can\’t stand anymore

My worst nightmare

I want to take a bullet in the f***ing head

Every time I think of you, every time I think of you

Slayer actually played in Milwaukee in July of 2006, and no faces ripped off or bullets in the f***ing heads were reported. But why do we tolerate this garbage from white artists? Because it\’s white kids listening to it – and we presume that white kids know wrong from right. Culture comes first.

Ludacris is an easy target, and one that\’s tangible. Ergo, we pressure Summerfest to get rid of him, and we feel we\’ve accomplished something. The scourge of absent fathers, drugs, and failing schools are intractable problems without concrete answers. So while we may all feel good that people willing to pay their money to go see Ludacris won\’t be able to, in the end we really haven\’t accomplished anything but self-gratification.

One could argue that I\’m setting up a false choice – that you can\’t object to Ludacris\’ lyrics if you\’re not willing to also propose a panacea to cure all social ills in the black community. That\’s certainly not true – obviously, the content of a lot of rap is galling, and people are free to object. But this train left the station a quarter of a century ago for rappers, and it ain\’t coming back. The Ludacris song bloggers are linking to as an example of his lyrics (Move, Bitch) is six years old. Remember when Bill O\’Reilly urged a boycott of Ludacris a few years ago for signing a deal with Pepsi? Ludacris\’ big punishment was that he became one of the most popular rappers of this century and had a prominent role in a movie that won the Oscar for Best Picture (Crash).

I\’m not defending all of what Ludacris or any other rapper says, how they portray women and drug use, or anything else. Obviously, a lot of it is garbage, and it certainly doesn\’t do anything positive for society. But not only are there going be rappers like Ludacris for the rest of our lives, there will always be kids willing to buy their music. In the grand scheme of things, rappers aren\’t even a blip on the screen of the cultural challenges we face. The only hope that we have is that we\’ve done a little parenting by the time it hits our kids\’ ears.

News From Iraq

May 17, 2007 / Christian / 1 Comment

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, my kid sister was deployed to Iraq as a physical therapist for detainees. We\’ve been swapping e-mails since she went over there, and I thought the most recent one was pretty interesting. This was in response to my questions about how much security she gets when treating the detainees, how they\’re treated, and what she does to keep busy:

Well, before we got deployed we had to make a \”prosperity plan\” of things that we wanted to accomplish while we were here in Iraq…well my #1 priority is starting/finishing my doctorate, working out more/losing 20 lbs, flossing daily, and one of the big ones is remembering birthdays and other special occasions/sending out cards. So I succeeded so far!

We do have security with us at all times. In addition, they get searched on their way in to the hospital, they are in restraints the whole time unless I feel it necessary that they need to be removed to do an exam. The other day I did a whole knee exam, wrapped his knee up and was sending the guy on his way and then he wanted to stop and lecture me about why America is a problem. My first reaction was to defend the US and explain to him why it is such a great country, and if he hasn\’t been there to see it for himself then he should just shut it, but I refrained and just sent him on his merry way.

On one hand the detainees do have it rough – they are stuck in these compounds with very little to do but sit on the dusty ground, although they do have soccer, volleyball, and table tennis to keep them occupied. However, they are getting paid $300/month and are able to make free cell phone calls home and even able to webcam with their families…well my internet connection isn\’t even fast enough to accomodate webcam yet, so in some respects they have it better than me!

I am always interested in the story behind their injuries and why they are here – I might have mentioned before, but there is a guy with a new leg amputation in the hospital right now that lost his leg while setting up an IED. He was using his cell phone as the trigger device and he was just about done when his wife called him and it went off. There is also a 15 year old whose IED went off prematurely, and he lost one arm and the entire left side of his abdomen. There are also detainees that are in the hospital due to violence in the compounds – one corrupt Iraqi policeman that was suffocated to death by other detainees and then resuscitated in the hospital. Just this week we had our first death – a detainee that was stabbed repeatedly by other detainees and was brought to the hospital DOA.

She\’s also taken up photographing camels, and has a broad portfolio of pictures she keeps sending me.

UPDATE: I thought about this a little more, and I\’m kind of starting to feel bad for the guy blown up by the phone bomb. We\’ve all gotten nagging cell phone calls from our wives, but I think that one takes the cake. I mean, here you are, doing your job, trying to blow up some Americans, and his wife probably called him to tell him for the fourth time to get some milk on the way home from work. She probably nagged him some more when he showed up at home with no legs.

What is Happening to Me?

May 17, 2007 / Christian / 1 Comment

Last night, terrorists broke into my house and forced me at gunpoint to watch \”Music and Lyrics,\” a romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. After the movie was over, a disorienting sensation came over me – I realized that I actually now liked Drew Barrymore. After a lifetime of abhorring every movie she came within 20 miles of, suddenly I found myself taken. Maybe I just need to rent \”Charlie\’s Angels\” to get my life back.

This is disquieting, to say the least. When I awake on Friday, I find it equally plausible that I will:

1. Be a woman
2. Be running the Sharpton for President campaign, or:
3. Not find mustaches funny anymore.

As for the movie itself, it really wasn\’t all that bad save for a preposterous ending. I think I actually even liked it more than my wife, who has \”Volver\” all queued up for us this weekend.

Wisconsin’s Gas Tax Follies

May 17, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

George Will takes on Wisconsin’s minimum markup law on gas in this column today. He says:

Pelosi and others who just know, evidently intuitively, the “fair” price of gasoline must relish what has happened in Merrill, Wis., where Raj Bhandari owns a BP gas station. He became an outlaw when he had what seemed, to everyone but the state’s government, a good idea. He gave a discount of 2 cents per gallon to senior citizens and 3 cents for people who support local youth sports programs.

But Wisconsin’s Unfair Sales Act requires retailers to sell gasoline for 9.18 percent above the wholesale price. The state’s marvelously misnamed Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection has protected consumers from Bhandari’s discounts by forcing him to raise his prices. Some customers now think he is price gouging.

Some Wisconsin legislators are considering changing the Unfair Sales Act to allow retailers to discount gasoline to benefit things those legislators think should be benefited. In Madison, Wis., as in Washington, D.C., it is considered eccentric to think that government should butt out, let people buy and sell as they please, and let markets equilibrate.

A Semi-Lucid Defense of Rap Music

May 16, 2007 / Christian / 1 Comment

Volumes have been written about the societal impact of music and lyrics, and I wouldn’t even pretend to know where to start. But seeing as how I have been of rap for as long as I’ve owned a tape player, I thought I’d toss in a couple of moderately-considered points, given the recent controversy surrounding rapper Ludacris\’ upcoming appearance at Summerfest.

I will concede off the bat that rap music may have a different meaning to me than it does to its target audience, African-American males. I’ve always been a white suburban Catholic kid with two parents that drilled me – often painfully so – with lessons of right and wrong. I’ve always consumed rap music, rather than allowing it to consume me. I’ve always been able to compartmentalize it as mere entertainment. That being said, there’s nothing Ludacris or anyone else today that’s doing anything that hasn’t been done for 20 years in rap music.

I don’t listen to much anymore, because not much of it is really any good. Outkast, The Roots, Rhymefest, Ghostface Killah – all making quality contemporary hip-hop. Rap music is a young man’s game, and the themes don’t really interest me all that much. But while the lyrics often are foul and ignorant, the overall theme of youthful rebellion is one that is attractive to young people. The overarching theme of rap is a swagger and confidence that appeals to people – in rap, you can say all the things you want to, but can’t. Ludacris exists because old, white conservatives hate him. And the more he can do to offend the old folks, the more popular he will be. Take him out now, and we’ll be having this same discussion about someone else a year from now.

But for normally right-thinking people, rap music provides escapist entertainment, just like any other numbers of mediums. The academy award for Best Picture last year went (deservedly) to The Departed, a movie featuring foul language, drug use, illegitimate pregnancy, and a boatload of grisly shootings. Yet nobody is picketing the outside of the theaters showing it. The best television show I’ve seen in the past few years has been The Wire, which certainly depicts inner city life in an unflinching manner. I concede that each of these examples are miles ahead of Ludacris in terms of artistic value, but each are also replete with the same glorification of sexuality and violence found in rap music.

Furthermore, there’s plenty of “white” music that deals in the same themes as rap. Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” managed to become one of the cultural landmarks of the 1990s, despite its refrain of “I want to f*** you like an animal.” In the late ‘90s, teenage boys flocked to see appalling rap-metal bands like Limp Bizkit, whose lyrics make Ludacris sound like Camus by comparison. Yet no protest of any kind took place, with the exception of people with taste. It wasn’t until Eminem started ridiculing homosexuals that he ever got any public attention.

Granted, all the goth and rap-metal concerts aren’t accompanied by much of the violence and shooting deaths that have been seen at rap concerts. This is where my understanding might diverge from an African-American rap fan. In many fatherless inner city homes, there may not be the teaching and discipline I received growing up, so many of the anti-social themes might sink in to minds that didn’t have anyone to teach them better. There might be more of a proclivity to actually live that lifestyle if one isn’t exposed to any alternative. But whether rap music reflects the African-American community or whether the African-American community reflects rap music is anyone’s guess.

Sadly, complaining about foul rap lyrics now is just a signal to the black community that white people are completely out of touch with their situation. If I were African-American, I would be skeptical of any white person that acted like they just learned – GASP! – that there was swearing in rap music. I might wonder what else about black culture those white people had been ignoring for the last quarter-decade. I’d also laugh at all the attention Ludacris is getting, since there are rappers that are a lot raunchier and less talented that could be made examples of.

The most salient point about modern rap music is the one often discussed after the Don Imus controversy – that it\’s hypocritical to call for Imus\’ firing when rappers are selling millions of records by degrading women. Naturally, the rules of society take into account the context of the message and ethnicity of the messenger when deeming something appropriate, when in fact none of those qualifiers should make any difference.

Will I be attending the Ludacris concert at Summerfest? Ummm… no. I hope for everyone that it’s peaceful. But if it’s not, I would tend to blame the people who instigate the violence, rather than the artist who is there giving those people what they want.

The Great Chubby\’s Debate

May 9, 2007 / Christian / 1 Comment

Big trouble in the Town of Thorp, where a new nude dancing establishment has drawn the ire of local residents. Many long-time residents are objecting to the opening of Chubby\’s, a new \”gentleman\’s club\” in the Town (and nothing says \”gentleman\” like a guy throwing money at a woman to see her chest.)

I was most amused by the reaction of local mother Kristine Rudnick:

Kristine Rudnick, a mother of four boys who has lived near the Chubby’s site for 26 years, fears club owners will be lenient on keeping underage patrons out.“I am scared to death,” Rudnick said. “I have a 17-year-old. What stops him from going to the parking lot and looking at the prostitutes.“He already saw a stripper and told his friends she had a nice body. He found that exciting,” she said.

That sound you heard was Rudnick\’s 17 year old son jumping off a bridge out of embarrassment. Can\’t imagine he\’ll hear about that at school. MOM!

The article concludes with this epic passage:

“The strip club will cause friction in marriages and the area will see a steep increase in divorces. There is nothing we can benefit from this,” Nitz said.

Karen Koltis, who operates a mental health clinic in Stanley, says she has already seen effects of the new business.“It makes my heart bleed knowing the corruption that is occurring and that I might not be able to help,” Koltis said. She said that on Monday a young couple came to her facility seeking counseling because of the strip club.“She was crying because her husband might go there,” Koltis said. “They are truly hurting and destroying this community and that is not fair to us God-fearing people.”

Just having a strip club near your house causes divorce? I would think a more realistic cause of divorce is having a wife that\’s so crazy, she actually thinks having a strip club in the town affects your marriage in any way.

Can you imagine this poor guy whose wife pulled him into counseling because she thinks he might go to the strip club? If this guy actually agreed to go see a marriage counselor, then this woman has nothing to worry about. I would have paid the counselor by stuffing a wad of singles into her underwear.

Just imagine what\’ll happen when Kevin Bacon rolls into town and starts dancing.

Presidential Failings

May 8, 2007 / Christian / 1 Comment

I just finished reading \”The Breach: Inside the Impeachment and Trial of William Jefferson Clinton,\” by Washington Post White House correspondent Peter Baker.Â It details the impeachment process of of President Bill Clinton, with some fascinating behind-the-scenes details on partisan strategy and maneuvering.

The book talks a great deal about how Clinton was able to remain popular despite his prolonged legal troubles.Â In fact, his womanizing actually became his greatest asset, as he was able to relate to regular voters – he had \”real people\” problems that the public could understand.Â It goes to show that the American public is a forgiving lot – even to the point where if you can show you\’ve overcome some vice, it can be a strong talking point in your favor.

That\’s where I think the Republican presidential candidates can step it up a little bit.Â They\’re all seen as vanilla (both literally and figuratively), rehearsed, and lacking \”real people\” skills.Â Mitt Romney is like a cyborg sent from the future to dispense conservative talking points.Â You can almost see the smoke coming out of his ears.

Of all the GOP candidates, John McCain comes the closest to being unpredictable, but not necessarily in a good way.Â During an upcomingÂ debate, there\’s a reasonable chance that McCain runs over to Mike Huckabee, reaches in his chest, pulls out his beating heart, and vows to meet him at the gates of hell.

That\’s why I think it\’s in some Republican contender\’s best interest toÂ utilize the Clinton blueprint – show that you have some personal failing that you\’ve overcome, which makes you more of a real person.Â In fact, I\’m rooting for one of the candidates to actually develop a vice during the campaign.

Think how fun it would be at the next debate if Sam Brownback pulled out a bottle of Wild Turkey and started sucking it down in mid-answer.Â Jim Gilmore could fire up a bong, take a hit, and start explaining what the economy has in common with \”Dark Side of the Moon.\”Â He could then announce he\’s going into rehab, but he\’s stopping at Taco Bell first.Â Think how much cooler Tom Tancredo would look if he answered while smoking luckies.

Of course, the Democratic frontrunners (Clinton, Obama and Edwards)Â already have the personal stories of overcoming adversity.Â One is trying to become the first minority president, one is trying to become the first female president, and one is married to Bill Clinton.

Baseball Roundtable

May 8, 2007 / Christian / 2 Comments

I was sick as a dog all weekend, but I have to admit that Prince Fielder’s trash talking of the Pirates’ Matt Capps had to be a high point of my year so far. You know the story – Saturday night, Capps drilled Fielder with a pitch that almost hit him in the head. On Sunday, Fielder came back, hit two home runs (and barely missed a third), and scored the go-ahead run when Bill Hall singled off Capps. After he slid home, Fielder jumped up and started screaming at Capps – the TV announcers kindly said he was merely excited, but it was clear he was screaming at the Pirates’ pitcher, who was standing behind home plate. The replay clearly showed Prince was politely accusing Capps of engaging in intercourse with one of his closest relatives.

I, for one, applaud Prince for his trash talking. It wasn’t like he didn’t back it up – he came out like a man and got it done. And after watching the Brewers sleepwalk through a morose two decades, it’s great to see some fire and emotion back in the team. Unfortunately, it’s too late to retroactively name my son “Prince.”

Of course, the Brewers, despite their league-best 21 wins, still remain invisible to ESPN. I turned on “Baseball Tonight” last night at 6:00 to catch some highlights. The hosts talked about Roger Clemens’ return to the Yankees (currently in last place) from 6:00 to 6:18. When they went to commercial, they promised “more on the Roger Clemens” signing later in the show. Sure enough, at 6:30 we got a live update on the Clemens situation from Michael Kay, the Yankees’ broadcaster. They squeezed in a few highlights from the day, then finished up the show with – you guessed it – more Clemens news.

It goes without saying that anything in baseball outside of New York and Boston doesn’t merit coverage from ESPN. But this is ridiculous. When Christ finally returns from the dead to forgive us of our sins, he better sign with the Yanks or the Sox – otherwise, nobody will ever know.

ESPN also deserves criticism for their reporting on a poll they conducted that shows divergent opinions between blacks and whites with regard to Barry Bonds. The poll shows that by a nearly two to one margin over whites, African Americans take Barry Bonds’ side on everything. For instance, 76 percent of whites believe Barry Bonds knowingly used steroids, while 37 percent of blacks believe he did.

Of course, through ESPN’s view of race, the only conclusion that could be drawn from these numbers is that whites are unfairly treating Barry Bonds. They inexplicably brought on Stephen A. Smith to hammer this point home.

They don’t even consider the flip side of the equation – that 63% of blacks are willingly deluding themselves into thinking Barry Bonds didn’t knowingly use steroids. Let’s back up for a moment – Barry Bonds has admitted to using steroids. That isn’t in dispute. He contends that he was somehow tricked by his trainer for years into taking the cream and the clear, which contained human growth hormone. The question is whether you believe that he knew what he was taking or not – and 63% of blacks must believe Bonds is the dumbest man alive.

I read “Game of Shadows” cover to cover. It documents Bonds’ steroid use in great detail, year after year. If you believe Bonds didn’t knowingly use steroids then you either haven’t looked at the evidence or you are willingly fooling yourself. Reasonable people can disagree about what that steroid use means, or whether Bonds is being unfairly targeted, but to argue that he didn’t knowingly cheat says more about yourself than about Bonds.

In trying to convince you you’re a racist if you abhor Barry Bonds, ESPN ignores another monumental fact. Part of what’s so galling about Bonds is that he’s about to steal the most sacred record from Hank Aaron. Hank Aaron is… black. Yet Aaron handled his career with grace and dignity, which is antithetical to Bonds’ entire being. So we’re unfairly injecting race into our opinion of Bonds because he’s about to steal a record from another African-American? How does that make any sense?

Yet ESPN is willing to throw this hand grenade of race out there, without having either the decency or intellectual capacity to argue both sides. It truly is despicable.

On Jackie Robinson Day, you may remember the wall-to-wall complaining on ESPN about how there aren’t enough African-Americans going into baseball – as if this were a matter of national importance, rather than simply of personal choice. That being said, is it pretty cool that the Brewers have four American-grown black players? Yes it is.

UPDATE: I got home from work at 9:30 tonight, turned on ESPN just in time for SportsCenter. And what was I treated to? That\’s right – Clemens, Yankee highlights, and more Clemens. Incidentally, one more note on the Rocket – in the steroid era, when something happens that nobody has ever seen before, it\’s impossible to believe it. We may never know what substances Clemens was taking (there\’s no test for human growth hormone), but it\’s awfully coincidental that a 45 year old can go out and throw 95 miles per hour – something completely unheard of before he did it. And if someone ever documents his cheating? I\’ll have just as much vitriol for Clemens as I do Bonds.

The UW Gets it Right

May 7, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

Frontpage Milwaukee has posted an article this week about the UW-Milwaukee fingerstyle guitar program, complete with videos of some of the students. They are fantastic, across the board – this UW program almost makes up for the existence of Kevin Barrett. Check it out:

See, how great is that? First, the guy\’s name is Cole (my son\’s name), and he\’a a kraut. And I would seriously give up one of my lungs to be able to play like that.

Check this one out, too.

In fact, watch them all here.

Story of the Year

May 7, 2007 / Christian / 1 Comment

Think State Representative Joel Kleefisch will be happy with this representation of his work to punish sex offenders?

The bill\’s author, state Rep. Joel Kleefisch, R-Oconomowoc, has pounded away on sex offenders since he took office in 2004.

I almost coughed up a lung when I saw that. Awesome.

Is "Money Laundering" in the Dictionary?

May 3, 2007 / Christian / 2 Comments

This one goes back a couple of weeks, but is interesting nonetheless:

Remember the Milwaukee woman accused of stealing $306,000 over a period of seven years from a charitable food bank? Here\’s a refresher:

A former employee of America\’s Second Harvest of Wisconsin was charged Thursday with three felony theft counts in connection with $306,000 in cash that went missing from the food bank\’s coffers between 1998 and 2005.

The complaint says Shuntell Whittaker-Tucker, 38, of the 7300 block of W. Florist Ave., used a quirk in the software then used by Second Harvest to record payments from non-profit organizations that purchased food so that the organizations were credited for full payment, but other financial records showed the organizations had paid much less than they actually had.

Did Michael Bolton design this software program for her? Did she stay up all night with Samir looking up \”money laundering\” in the dictionary?

$\"\"$

If found guilty, I hope she doesn\’t end up where I think she might.

Ummm…. yeah.

Two Tickets to Club Fed

May 3, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

Fundamental to society’s concept of “prison” is that it should generally be a place that people don’t want to go. The mere threat of going to prison is supposed to keep people from shooting, robbing, or plagiarizing you. (Or, God forbid, all three at once.)

For instance, I am afraid of going to prison. Part of it is because I am a sniveling ninny. Okay, all of it is. But so far, I have narrowly avoided killing anyone, and if I have, it tends to be softly and with love songs.

In fact, I’m not implying that prison is a pleasant experience for anyone. However, each year around 14,000 young men in Wisconsin decide that the threat of imprisonment isn’t an adequate deterrent to criminal behavior and end up behind bars. Maybe it’s because they just don’t think they’ll be caught. Maybe they’ve been to prison and are used to the lifestyle there. Maybe the last time they were in jail, they networked with other criminals that gave them a job running drugs when they were released.

Much like Corey Feldman’s acting, prison means different things to different people. Put yourself in the position of a good number of the men now sitting in the Wisconsin correctional system, and compare what they have now to the life they led outside of the joint.

Suppose I am a young male with problems. I have a crappy job that doesn’t pay me anything, and half of what I make goes to pay child support to my various children’s mothers. I’m six months behind in my rent, and I’m about to be thrown out on the street. I smoke weed every day, because it keeps me off drugs. My neighbor stole my television, so I can’t keep up with the latest technological advances in female de-humanism found in my favorite music videos. Even worse, I can’t watch “Facts of Life” reruns anymore.

Suddenly, the State of Wisconsin Correctional System comes to me with an opportunity. I get a free place to live, three meals a day, and I only have to work a few hours a week. My kids’ mothers aren’t harassing me at all hours of the night. Sure, they take all my prison job earnings for my child support, but I get cheap health care to take care of me. If I want, I can get help for my drinking problem – and it’s all paid for by the same rich people that were forcing me to drink so much in the first place.

Sure, there’s a significant downside to being locked away in prison. I like the ladies. I’ll probably end up married to a tattooed “child enthusiast,” but as long as I get to choose the wedding invitations, I’m good with that. Rumor has it that most of the people in the joint are criminals, so there’s a reasonable expectation that I could get my eyes stabbed out with a hair brush. But how, again, is that any different from the culture of violence in which I now live? (Plus, I can eat a lot of hard boiled eggs, which I assume will teach dudes not to mess with me.) There’s a small chance they could stick me with Steven Avery, which would be horribly offensive – I hear he doesn’t floss.

Thus, the decision isn’t as clear-cut as people think – prison could be a decent respite from the real world. The fact that I got to throw my landlord out a window to get myself in prison really is just icing on the cake. And when I get out, I’ll be treated like a hero returning from war – not like that nerdy cousin of mine who went to college. His inability to “keep it real” has caused more than a modicum of discord within my family.

On top of all this, I have all kinds of wimpy liberal groups arguing that prison is too hard. How great is that? Keep it up, fellas. In fact, if you can get me out of prison in time to launch my entirely plausible rap career, that would be great. Thanks.

Wisconsin actually has a history of making concessions to prisoners. We were the first state to abolish the death penalty, and to give prisoners time off for good behavior. In 1868, Wisconsin was even the first state to eliminate black and white striped prisoner uniforms. As a thank you for this kindness, criminals vowed to be more polite when they raped and murdered people for the next 140 years.

Unfortunately, our prisons are jammed with people willing to take the state up on their timeshare opportunity. Since 1987, the average daily prison population has grown by 277%. And if the state built more prisons, those will fill up, too. The state could convert Milwaukee’s Bradley Center into a penitentiary and it would be at capacity within a year – which is fitting, because watching the Bucks play often feels like incarceration.

Many people actually blame the growth in prison building with creating more prisoners – as if the prisons themselves increase crime. As the logic goes, more prisons means more prisoners, since prison actually comes to get you – it’s not something you earn. It’s as if the prisons are showing up at these poor, innocent young men’s doors disguised as insurance salesmen and snatching them from their homes.

There are myriad ways to reduce crime rates, including more aggressive policing on the front lines. On the back end, Wisconsin should examine ways to deter crime before it happens. We need to break the cycle of merely throwing criminals in prison – instead, the state should give lawbreakers a good reason not to choose the wrong path in the first place.

Disturbing the Brewer Balance

May 2, 2007 / Christian / 1 Comment

As a friend of mine keeps saying, I\’m not sure whether I can live in a world where the Brewers are the best team in baseball. It\’s totally throwing off my balance. Up is down, left is right. Literally, nothing would suprise me any more. If I got home and the squirrels in my yard started giving me investment advice, it wouldn\’t surprise me one bit. Before you know it, even Neil Heinen will begin to make sense. Once that happens, the universe is up for grabs.

I generally spend at least 45 minutes a day wondering why I root for the Brewers. Now, that time is completely free. I\’ll have to figure out what to do (aside from practicing my robot dance, of course).

And as if that weren\’t enough, the Brewers are getting national attention – not because of their play on the field, but because of this:

$\"\"$

Yes, friends – that would be a 12-person beer bong unveiled in the Miller Park parking lot. An engineering feat of epic proportions. This contraption has now replaced the Calatrava as Milwaukee\’s signature architectural monument.

Oh, and special thanks to the Chorizo for showing up for work yesterday.

The Next Great Self Defense Debate

May 2, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

While the Wisconsin Legislature continues to struggle with allowing individuals to carry firearms to protect themselves, I think I\’ve found a middle ground. There\’s no doubt thatÂ Democrats and Republicans alike can agree that we should let people carry concealed pitchforks.

From Madison:

Madison police responded to a call early Tuesday morning about a scuffle in which pitchforks and knives were drawn to stop vandals from ruining a tent near a fraternity on the 200 block of Lakelawn Plaza near Langdon Street.

Police said only threats were exchanged and no participants suffered injury. The report said an officer at the scene of the crime heard somebody say, \”I just had a pitchfork pulled on me.\”

This may be new to the people of Madison, but this is the type of violence rural communities been putting up with from rough farmer gangs for years. Be thankful you haven\’t been the victim of a drive-by pitchforking.

The Apocalypse is Upon Us