I figured since I\’m watching American Idol tonight, I might as well live blog it. Following the show, I plan on drowning myself by immersing my head in mayonnaise.

It\’s Gwen Stefani night, and I\’m not sure what that really means. They are doing her songs, or songs that Gwen likes, or songs that she\’s heard, or songs that have words, or something. Her video intro says her abs are world famous or something. Great, I can\’t wait to rush out and buy a No Doubt CD now – I hear she has killer abs.

Lakisha starts by singing a Donna Summer song, while hiding a roast beef sandwich in her cleavage. In the meantime, her high heels file a lawsuit against her for violating the Geneva Convention on torture.

Chris Sligh appears to be singing a completely different song than the band is playing.

Gina sings her song really well, which is disappointing because it sets her inevitable Playboy appearance back at least one week. May of 2008. Bank on it.

A commercial for \”Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader\” promises to show a contestant that \”makes show history.\” The show has been on three weeks. I\’m serious.

Sanjaya remains the George Mason of this year\’s Idol competition. I have gained a new kind of grudging respect for him – he knows how bad he is, and he\’s set out to be spectacularly bad. I actually didn\’t hear any of what he sang, as I was crying my eyes out.

These anti-marijuana ads are actually pretty awesome, and I imagine they\’d be even better if you were high.

Wait…was Haley just on?

Phil Stacey appears to have stolen my mother\’s hat. He does a Police song, second of the night. What is the theme here again? Anyway, we\’re all happy that he took time out from hanging with Frodo and Bilbo to sing us a song. Despite his surprisingly good performance, he still just generally sucks and I don\’t care to have him on my television anymore. He\’s in the Navy – shouldn\’t he be in Iraq?

Melinda\’s once-endearing \”aw shucks\” demeanor has now turned me against her, and I hope she not only gets voted off, but also is attacked by a jaguar on stage. She is also dressed like she\’s late for her shift at the Wonka Chocolate Factory. They\’re trying to pack 10 of these songs into an hour, which means they\’re all like 8 seconds long.

Think Randy Jackson\’s real dog gets jealous when he calls everyone else \”dog?\”

Magic 98 promises to play \”all my favorites\” like Cheryl Crow. How did they know?

Blake absolutely murders \”Love Song\” by the Cure, which sends Robert Smith spinning in his grave. I just can\’t divorce that song from the Cure. He\’s sometimes pretty good, but his only shortcoming (that he can\’t sing) also happens to be a pretty important shortcoming in a singing competition. Simon calls him the \”strongest guy in the competition,\” and I think he has to be talking about how many pushups Blake can do.

Jordin Sparks overcomes her obvious porn star name to give a decent performance of some Gwen Stefani song. If her last name was spelled \”Sparxx,\” there\’s a 98% chance you would have gotten to know her during your bachelor party. It appears that her shirt has been made out of a Pizza Hut tablecloth. The background signers suck – she should really turn around and yell at them. She\’s my favorite on the show (mainly because I remember her dad playing in the NFL), and she will become the first 8 foot tall woman to win this competition.

I really like Chris Richardson, even though he does sometimes seem like he\’s a counselor at Justin Timberlake Summer Camp. Stefani kills him in the intro video, which leads me to think of a cool strategy – when you meet the \”big star\” earlier in the week, you should purposely do terrible so they rip you in their intro. Then when you give your performance, everyone will be pleasantly surprised and think you worked hard to bring your \”A game.\” It\’s like a presidential contender trying to downplay their chances in a primary, so they can declare victory when they come in third place or something.

For some reason, the show ends at 8:08, which means I had to push off my scheduled 8:00 inebriation by 8 minutes.

It has become apparent to me that the show is now Sanjaya-proof, so I\’m betting Haley gets the boot. It\’s becoming pretty clear that in three weeks you\’ll have a better chance of seeing a sasquatch riding a unicycle down your street than you will of seeing a white girl on the show.

I can\’t tell you how happy I was to find this clip on YouTube. One of my favorite songs ever off my favorite album ever. The music and video are about a second off, but you get the picture.

I was amused by reading Jeff Van Gundy’s recent proposal to allow all NBA teams into the draft lottery. Why? Because he thinks the current lottery rewards losing, and that teams may tank near the end of the year to have a better chance at a good pick.

And guess what team he played last night that prompted his remarks? Wait for it…

The Bucks!

Obviously, the Bucks\’ recent near-pornographic level of play set Van Gundy off. I was a little distraught when the Bucks fired Terry Stotts – I mean, what better way to end up with a good pick than to allow Stotts to continue to drive the team into the ground? After he was fired, the Bucks won two straight games, much to my chagrin.

Realizing that they were scuttling a chance to help the team long-term, they immediately kicked the season into “Titanic” mode. Bogut and Villanueva out for the season with mystery injuries. Mo Williams follows them to the DL with a “respiratory infection?” Jared Reiner getting big minutes last night, while Dan Gadzuric (making $6 million per year) doesn’t even get into the game? Damir Markota can play a little point guard, can’t he? Why risk Earl Boykins’ health?

Are the Bucks justified in tanking the season? Of course they are. Sure, they may be defrauding ticket holders of their money for the rest of the year, but isn’t it worth it if it makes them better in the long run? Bill Simmons at ESPN.com has a couple columns discussing this phenomenon with regard to his beloved Celtics – whether it’s ever appropriate to root against your favorite team. And in this case, I agree with him that it certainly is.

And it’s not like every other bottom-feeder isn’t doing the same thing. Ray Allen just disclosed that he’s been playing hurt all year and he’s shutting it down. Before you know it, Michael Redd is going to go on the DL to try to cure his baldness. Pau Gasol is going to sit out due to a sprained beard.

If the Bucks lose every game for the rest of the year and that nets them Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, Brandan Wright, or Jeff Green, that would be just fine with me (Joakim Noah is a fraud).

My latest column on the Wisconsin Supreme Court race is up at WPRI. Check it out.

Some of you may remember my post about perennial Madison mayoral candidate and noted crazy person Will Sandstrom at the old blog. Well, someone sent me his blog, complete with a 33,000 word post – so make yourself a sandwich, sit down, and enjoy! Oh, and keep in mind – 2.6% of voters in Madison voted for this guy.

I have a broader question, though. Why is it that all crazy people are against the Jews? You never hear any lunatics sing the praises of Israel before they start pouring thousand island dressing down their pants. For some reason, once you become completely unhinged, it\’s always some \”Zionist plot.\”

What I think the national Jewish groups need to do is to begin to reach out to America\’s crazy people to turn the tide back in their favor. A little PR couldn\’t hurt. Just think – with a couple thousand mini-bottles of Wild Turkey, they can have America\’s street people yelling pro-Israel slogans on our street corners.

So for Christmas last year, I got my wife a year long \”wine of the month\” membership at Barriques. It\’s actually great – they do a really good job picking out wines, although the downside is that you have to go to the store and pick them up once a month.

I was working late tonight, and remembered that I needed to pick up the wine before I came home. I went straight from work to Barriques, and it looked like they were closing. I went in and asked if I could just pick up my wine, even though the register was closed. The girl there said that was fine, then corrected herself.

\”It\’s after 9:00 – I can\’t let you walk out of here with it.\”

I looked at my watch and noticed it was 9:03. And I couldn\’t leave with a bottle of wine I purchased in December of 2006.

So thank you, state law, for saving me from the convenience of picking up my wine. We are all much safer now that I have to make an extra trip out to Barriques to get it. Lord knows the damage I could do with that corked bottle in the back seat of my car on the way home.

Remember when I said it would make the Marquette loss go down easier because I picked Michigan State in my bracket? I was incorrect. That was a complete disaster. A team that can\’t shoot and has no inside game against a tough, physical team that rebounds like crazy. Same thing that happened to MU against the Badgers – not a good matchup for them.

In fact, about midway through the second half, my sick daughter started throwing up in her bed, and it was actually a welcome development – since it gave me an excuse not to watch any more of the game. Marquette played so badly, they actually stopped broadcasting it in HD halfway through the game. CBS was probably like, \”we\’re paying a lot for this HD signal, why waste it on these turds?\”

As for the rest of my bracket, I might as well eat it now, so at least I get some nutrients from the paper it\’s printed on. Otherwise, it\’s a complete waste. I started out 0 for 3 in the morning games, and I\’ve just been so-so since then. There should actually be a special prize for a guy who gets all of his picks wrong. If you think about it, it\’s just as hard to get all your picks wrong as it is to get all of them right, correct?

Now it\’s on to root for Virginia Tech, another one of my former schools (there are only three, although it seems like more).

Here\’s my NCAA Tournament bracket. A couple of notes:

As much as it kills me, my Warriors are going down to Michigan State. Of course, this pick is just to hedge my bets, so I\’m not completely bummed out when they lose.

My big surprise is Indiana beating UCLA – I think UCLA overachieved all year in a bad conference, and they finished poorly. Hoosiers move on to the final eight.

Kevin Durant scores 64 first half points against North Carolina, realizes he might be drafted by the Bucks, then scores 64 points for Carolina to make everyone think he\’s crazy. With the first pick the Bucks instead draft noted white guy Brian Butch, not even realizing he\’s not eligible for the draft.

Hoyas cut down the nets, proving once again that Catholic schools have God on their side.