Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Idol Live Blog

I figured since I\’m watching American Idol tonight, I might as well live blog it. Following the show, I plan on drowning myself by immersing my head in mayonnaise.

It\’s Gwen Stefani night, and I\’m not sure what that really means. They are doing her songs, or songs that Gwen likes, or songs that she\’s heard, or songs that have words, or something. Her video intro says her abs are world famous or something. Great, I can\’t wait to rush out and buy a No Doubt CD now – I hear she has killer abs.

Lakisha starts by singing a Donna Summer song, while hiding a roast beef sandwich in her cleavage. In the meantime, her high heels file a lawsuit against her for violating the Geneva Convention on torture.

Chris Sligh appears to be singing a completely different song than the band is playing.

Gina sings her song really well, which is disappointing because it sets her inevitable Playboy appearance back at least one week. May of 2008. Bank on it.

A commercial for \”Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader\” promises to show a contestant that \”makes show history.\” The show has been on three weeks. I\’m serious.

Sanjaya remains the George Mason of this year\’s Idol competition. I have gained a new kind of grudging respect for him – he knows how bad he is, and he\’s set out to be spectacularly bad. I actually didn\’t hear any of what he sang, as I was crying my eyes out.

These anti-marijuana ads are actually pretty awesome, and I imagine they\’d be even better if you were high.

Wait…was Haley just on?

Phil Stacey appears to have stolen my mother\’s hat. He does a Police song, second of the night. What is the theme here again? Anyway, we\’re all happy that he took time out from hanging with Frodo and Bilbo to sing us a song. Despite his surprisingly good performance, he still just generally sucks and I don\’t care to have him on my television anymore. He\’s in the Navy – shouldn\’t he be in Iraq?

Melinda\’s once-endearing \”aw shucks\” demeanor has now turned me against her, and I hope she not only gets voted off, but also is attacked by a jaguar on stage. She is also dressed like she\’s late for her shift at the Wonka Chocolate Factory. They\’re trying to pack 10 of these songs into an hour, which means they\’re all like 8 seconds long.

Think Randy Jackson\’s real dog gets jealous when he calls everyone else \”dog?\”

Magic 98 promises to play \”all my favorites\” like Cheryl Crow. How did they know?

Blake absolutely murders \”Love Song\” by the Cure, which sends Robert Smith spinning in his grave. I just can\’t divorce that song from the Cure. He\’s sometimes pretty good, but his only shortcoming (that he can\’t sing) also happens to be a pretty important shortcoming in a singing competition. Simon calls him the \”strongest guy in the competition,\” and I think he has to be talking about how many pushups Blake can do.

Jordin Sparks overcomes her obvious porn star name to give a decent performance of some Gwen Stefani song. If her last name was spelled \”Sparxx,\” there\’s a 98% chance you would have gotten to know her during your bachelor party. It appears that her shirt has been made out of a Pizza Hut tablecloth. The background signers suck – she should really turn around and yell at them. She\’s my favorite on the show (mainly because I remember her dad playing in the NFL), and she will become the first 8 foot tall woman to win this competition.

I really like Chris Richardson, even though he does sometimes seem like he\’s a counselor at Justin Timberlake Summer Camp. Stefani kills him in the intro video, which leads me to think of a cool strategy – when you meet the \”big star\” earlier in the week, you should purposely do terrible so they rip you in their intro. Then when you give your performance, everyone will be pleasantly surprised and think you worked hard to bring your \”A game.\” It\’s like a presidential contender trying to downplay their chances in a primary, so they can declare victory when they come in third place or something.

For some reason, the show ends at 8:08, which means I had to push off my scheduled 8:00 inebriation by 8 minutes.

It has become apparent to me that the show is now Sanjaya-proof, so I\’m betting Haley gets the boot. It\’s becoming pretty clear that in three weeks you\’ll have a better chance of seeing a sasquatch riding a unicycle down your street than you will of seeing a white girl on the show.

2 Comments

  1. I can’t believe Chris Sligh went. True, his performance was horrible last night, but he’s miles better than Sanjaya, who should be flogged with a wet noodle for that hair-do of his.

  2. Sanjaya is about as bad as it gets … he’s at the level of bad karaoke. If he wins, AI will have jumped the shark.

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