From the obituary:

“In his long years at Planned Parenthood, Roy Holly probably helped oversee the medical care of more women than just about any doctor in the state.

‘We were then the Planned Parenthood Association and had the one big clinic at 12th and State in downtown Milwaukee,’ said Barbara Jane ‘B.J.’ Bacon, now vice president for patient services at Planned Parenthood of Wisconsin.

‘As medical director, Dr. Holly was in charge of running the program,’ she said. “And we saw 13,000 to 15,000 patients a year.”

Let’s see… 13,000 to 15,000 patients for 17 years? I’m sure those 221,000 to 255,000 children that were never born are appreciative of his efforts.

1. Find the one you love
2. Lower the lights
3. Break out the scented oils
4. Brush your teeth (your breath is pretty bad. Seriously. No, seriously.)
5. Turn the stereo on…

Just when you think the nutjob campaign finance reform crowd can\’t be any more self-parodying, feast your ears on this nugget: \”The People\’s Legislature Song.\”

I have been critical of The People\’s Legislature in the past (and will continue to do so), but this really takes the cake – and provides a portal to who exactly makes up \”The People\’s Legislature.\” Even the song ridicules Republican involvement (see my previous post for info on Carol Mcky.)

Let\’s just say Casey Kasem isn\’t coming out of retirement for this one.

In a stunning announcement, Citizens for Responsible Government has announced that they will be filing recall papers against the Mayor of McDonaldland, Mayor McCheese.

\”Mayor McCheese is rotten beef that needs to be recalled,\” said Chris Kliesmet, organizer of McDonaldland CRG. \”It is appalling that McCheese would refuse to pay me a lot of money to show him how to save money in city government,\” said Kliesmet. \”Not giving in to my blackmail attempt is a clear sign that he is corrupt,\” added Kliesmet.

When asked why he would plan to recall the wildly popular McCheese three weeks before the next general election, Kliesmet answered, \”The people can\’t be trusted to make the right decision about who they elect. Therefore, we need to trust the people to make the right decision about who they elect, just three weeks earlier. It\’s all about trusting the people, who can\’t be trusted.\”

Feather Bees, spokeswoman for MCRG, said \”It was important for the whole group of us, none of whom actually live in McDonaldland, to go in and tell the people of that city who their mayor should be. Since I\’m really not all that bright, it has never occurred to me how stupid it looks for me to meddle in their city\’s politics, given the fact that McDonaldland is entirely capable of electing a mayor infinitely more objectionable than McCheese,\” said Bees.

Kliesmet also cited McCheese’s opposition to a proposed McDonaldland constitutional amendment that would restrict the growth in the number of ketchup packets handed out by each restaurant. Kliesmet referred to McCheese as a \”BINO (Burger in Name Only)\” for turning his back on the plight of processed meat everywhere.

Speaking at a public hearing last year, McCheese bemoaned what the constitutional amendment would do to his city, saying it would cause draconian cutbacks in napkin quality and force everyone to drink out of straws less than an inch long. “If we are forced to cut back, the prisons will close and hardened criminals like the Hamburglar will run wild in McDonaldland,” said McCheese.

Orville Seymer of CRG immediately accused McCheese of government intimidation, saying last night he witnessed a sweaty, morbidly obese purple figure hunched over, slashing his tires. Originally believed to be McCheese\’s henchman Grimace, it was later determined to be Kirstie Alley.

McCheese’s legal problems began in 1973, when he was successfully sued by Sid and Marty Krofft for being a ripoff of H.R. Pufinstuff. Following the lawsuit, McCheese fell into depression, battling addiction to Secret Sauce. Following an arrest for soliciting a prostitute, McCheese attempted to commit suicide by feeding himself to a terrier. The dog declined the invitation when he realized he would be eating his cousin, Javier.

“Mayor McCheese is in a real pickle,\” said noted UW Professor of Lunchmeat Politics Avery von Snooterston. \”Generally, politics is so complicated only highly educated UW professors can understand it, so I\’ll try to make it understandable to you common folks. He\’s fried,\” said von Snooterston.

In order to deflect attention from the recall movement, McCheese announced his intention to invade Subway, as he had heard Jared is developing some lethally good chipotle dressing.

I know nobody likes hearing lame stories about other people\’s kids, but a seminal event in our family occurred this morning when my two and a half year old daughter declared that her favorite song is the Ramones\’ \”Sheena is a Punk Rocker.\”

She could now go on to win a Nobel Prize and I wouldn\’t be as proud of her as I was this morning. She has rejected the Wiggles/Barney/Nemo paradigm and is destined to kick ass.

In a sign that the standards over at Wispolitics.com are dropping at an alarming rate, they have named my little blog here as their \”Blog of the Month.\”

Many thanks to the bored employees over there who obviously haven\’t found any good blogs to read yet. And good luck getting the award out of my cold, dead hands.

In true Hollywood fashion, I feel like I need to now give a speech about how Bush only went into Iraq for the oil, how all the votes haven\’t been counted in Florida and Ohio, and how Dick Cheney secretly employs puppies in a sweatshop in his basement. Instead, I think I\’ll have a Kit Kat left over from Halloween and call it a night.

Again, thanks – to both my readers.

What do you get when you combine a popular public issue, a press hungry governor, a dishonest UW “economist” and a lazy press?

You get articles like this one, in which Governor Doyle calls for oil companies to return $88 million to Wisconsin consumers, saying they had been “gouged” in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. From the article:

\”To price-gouge consumers under normal circumstances, that\’s dishonest enough,\” Doyle said. \”But to make money off the misery of others is downright immoral.\”

Exactly what is price gouging “under normal circumstances?” Aren’t “extraordinary circumstances” exactly what cause gouging to be gouging? If someone doubled the price of toilet paper under normal circumstances, you’d figure out a way to get it cheaper. If someone doubled the price of toilet paper after you had downed an order of Denny\’s Moons Over My Hammy, that would be (the worst type of) gouging, and an extraordinarily bad circumstance all around.

And just how did Jim Doyle come up with this $88 million number? He called his buddy, Doyle campaign contributor and University of Wisconsin-Madison “economist” Donald Nichols to cook up a bogus “study” that purports to show oil companies overcharging consumers.

One needs only to read this laughable “study” to realize either:

1. What a terrible economist Don Nichols is, barely capable of teaching a seventh grade economics class;

2. What a political hack Don Nichols is, willing to stain his reputation by putting out a dishonest politically motivated “study” to help his preferred candidate, Jim Doyle, get a good press hit;

3. How lazy the press is that they themselves wouldn’t even bother to read the study written by Nichols and used by Doyle as the centerpiece of this naked press hit;

4. All of the above.

Nichols’ thesis is essentially this: Since the price per barrel of oil before Katrina was roughly the same as it was after Katrina, then the price of gas shouldn’t be any greater. See the bottom of page 6 of his study, where he projects what the price of gas should be given the price of a barrel of oil.

In doing this politically motivated calculation, Nichols ignores all the differences in gas production and marketing that occurred after Katrina. For instance, crude oil has to be refined before it becomes gas. Refineries off the gulf coast went off line for weeks after the hurricane, which left a shortage of refined gas. Although the supply of crude oil wasn’t affected in any substantial way, the process of turning that crude oil into gas was affected significantly, which left less gas for the same number of consumers.

To put it in Wisconsin terms, imagine if cows around the state were inflicted with a disease that caused half of them to stop producing milk. By Nichols’ logic, milk should stay the same price because there were just as many cows as there were before the disease hit, although there is now half as much milk being produced.

Additionally, transporting the refined gas after the hurricane proved to be a tremendous challenge. Trucks and tankers couldn’t enter the region for weeks, which led to scarcer supply of refined gas.

Nichols also completely ignores the market force of increased demand on gas prices (being an economist, he likely has heard of both “supply” and “demand”). After Katrina hit and the stories of the shortage of refined gas were plastered all over the news, citizens across the U.S. rushed out to get gas, fearing a crippling shortage might be imminent. And when citizens are willing to pay a certain price for something, businesses are usually willing to sell it for that price.

I love it when consumers sit in line for a long time and complain how expensive gas is. They never figure out that gas is that expensive because you are willing to sit in line for a long time to get it. Generally, consumers think that cheap gas is some kind of birthright that government has to supply for them. \”How dare those mean gas stations sell something for a price that I am so willing to pay!\”

If gas stations held the price of gas down artificially for the sake of the good of mankind, there would have been lines miles long for gas and there would have been shortages, as the first people in line would have bought it all up. Maybe Nichols missed his economics class on the way to becoming an economist, but prices are one way a free market has of rationing goods and supplies. Surely he remembers the Arab Oil Embargo of 1973, where the government mandated price controls, thereby exacerbating the scarcity of gas and causing long lines and gas shortages around the U.S.

So what would cause such a distinguished economist at the UW to provide such a sloppy “study” of gas prices? Could it be the four contributions he has made to Governor Jim Doyle, totaling $350? Or the numerous contributions he has made to Chuck Chvala, or the Assembly Democratic Campaign Committee? (For his full list of contributions, click here and here.)

I assume the call went something like this:

Doyle: “Don, it’s me, Jim. I need a favor.”

Nichols: “I’ve already given you almost four hundred bucks. On my measly $136,000 per year salary, I can’t afford to give any more. It’s like getting syrup from a turnip.”

Doyle: “Don’t wet your pants, Donnie. This is even better. I need you to put on your lab coat and cook me up some numbers that show oil companies are gouging Wisconsin consumers. And make it a big number, like $200 billion.”

Nichols: “I’ll make it $88 million if you throw in a George Foreman grill.”

Doyle: “Deal!”

In fact, some enterprising reporter might want to take a look at the Doyle office correspondence with Nichols, either by phone or e-mail. Did Doyle actually order the report, or did Nichols loan out his demonstrable intellect on his own accord?

Of course, since this fraudulent press hit, gas prices have dropped without any government interference, due to refineries coming back online, transportation being more available, and consumer demand subsiding somewhat. In fact, gas prices are falling to below pre-Katrina levels. Apparently Nichols knows exactly how much money oil companies should be making (to the dollar). I am anxiously awaiting Doyle’s press release calling on Wisconsin consumers to write a check to the oil companies to make up for the revenue they are losing by keeping gas prices so low.

I would hope Nichols would flunk any one of his students that came to him with such a shoddy report. Apparently in all his years of study, Nichols has learned the most important economic lesson of all – suck up to the governor, academic standards be damned.

You may know him as Corey, your friends may know him as Samuel or Leroy, but he\’s known here at the York Website as the Sex Offender of the Month. Our congratulations to Corey L Reynolds, convicted on November 10th of 1998 for Repeated Acts of Sexual Assault Against the Same Child. In just a few days, you will celebrate your seventh year of terrorizing families in Madison with small children.

He\’s #00362347 in the penal system, but #1 in our hearts. Monthly winners of the Sex Offender Award will win a bottle of Johnson and Johnson baby oil and a free parking space in hell for all eternity.

Congrats, Corey/Samuel/Leroy. Castration is too good for you.

It\’s not often I get to toot my own horn (at least not with anyone else in the house), so I\’ll do so now. Before all the post-Katrina indignation about gas prices and how all the evil oil companies were gouging consumers, I wrote this post, which exposed the hypocrisy of Democrats on the issue.

Yesterday, Governor Doyle issued a statement that he would be calling oil executives from around the country to answer questions about rising gas prices. One question – since gas prices have actually fallen up to 80 cents per gallon over the last month without government intervention, why isn\’t he asking them to answer questions about why they are forfeiting enormous potential profits to keep prices down? What a cheap and tawdry tactic – pretend you are having some bogus investigation into gas prices, when in fact there is absolutely nothing Jim Doyle can do about the prices set by the market across the U.S. Even if there were a justification for government interference in the market, it would be a federal problem, not a state one. For Doyle to imply that he\’s doing something about gas prices is just a sham.

In the process of this obnoxious grandstanding, Doyle released this release on October 27th, in response to Exxon\’s third quarter earnings reports. In it, Doyle says:

“Following one of the biggest natural disasters to hit America, the world’s largest oil companies are reaping record profits. To price-gouge consumers under normal circumstances is dishonest enough, but to make money off of the misery of others is downright immoral.”

“This week’s reports make it crystal clear that these oil companies have reaped more than enough profits to give a refund to U.S. consumers,” Governor Doyle said. “There are proposals currently in Congress that would require a refund, but we have yet to see action on them. This issue is not going to go away on its own, or with action only on the state level. I again urge Congress to act immediately on behalf of millions of Americans by investigating the excessive profits being made by oil companies, and demanding a refund.”

Not to be outdone, Senator Russ Decker, who won\’t even let a high blood alcohol content keep him from filling his tank up with expensive gas, issued this release demanding oil companies give their profits back. He says:

“It turns my stomach to see these greedy oil companies who are already making enormous profits getting billions of dollars in tax breaks while the hard working folks in Wisconsin struggle to squeeze every nickel out of every dollar just to be able to fill up with gas so they can drive to work,” said Decker.

“If Congress does not act then we will demand that the Republican leadership in the Legislature convene a special session to review local windfall profits tax alternatives. I shudder at the thought that the children of Wisconsin will shiver in cold homes and schools this winter because of the unconscionable actions of the oil companies,” concluded Decker.

…Just make sure those poor children aren\’t out riding their bikes on a night Decker is plowing through your neighborhood, Lautenschlager-style. Note to Decker: Maybe that stomach-turning sensation is the fifth of Wild Turkey you forgot you drank last night.

Well, fortunately, I can save the U.S. taxpayers the time and money on an investigation into who is profiting off of these \”immoral\” profits. I reviewed the stock holdings of Russ Decker, and found that he might want to look himself in the mirror if he wants to find out who is profiting from high gas prices.

According to legislator ethics statements, Decker holds between $5,000 and $50,000 in the Vanguard Institutional Index Plus Fund. According to the Vanguard website, the #1 stock holding of this fund is Exxon-Mobil. In fact, the fund also holds shares of Chevron and Conoco-Phillips.

With this information in mind, I now challenge you to go back and re-read Decker\’s quote and challenge yourself to keep your Whopper with Cheese down. Who is \”greedy?\” Who is profiting on the backs of Wisconsin children who will be shivering in the cold come winter time? Is Russ Decker going to be returning all of the windfall profits he received from the oil companies?

If you clicked on my previous post above, you have seen that there are other hypocritical Democratic legislators that continue to make money as stockholders in oil companies, while decrying the \”greed\” of \”big oil.\” (By the way, is there any other kind of oil company? Are there any \”small oil\” companies setting up in strip malls?)

For the most egregious example, see Fred Risser\’s holdings in Exxon in excess of $50,000. On September 16th of this year, Risser was quoted in Wispolitics:

The price of gasoline isn\’t due to the mark-up law. It\’s due to the oil cartels.–Democratic Sen. Fred Risser before a Senate committee 3-2 rejected Zien\’s bill to repeal the state\’s so-called minimum mark-up law.

The most disappointing thing about the whole gas price issue is the willingness by which press outlets are willing to swallow statements whole, without challenging them. The information I provided above is public information, available to anyone with an internet connection. This isn\’t exactly cloak and dagger stuff. Yet each time Doyle opens his mouth on gas prices, the media is there to dutifully reprint it, without ever asking questions about whether such an investigation might be an immense waste of time and taxpayer money for a cheap press hit.

As for Decker and Risser, I hope they take their windfall profits and buy blankets for all those poor children that are going to freeze to death because of their \”greed.\”

My uncle Eddie loves his job. A few times a week, he hops on a bus and rides halfway across Milwaukee to get to Pizza Hut, where he’s worked for seven years. He jams his hat down over his eyebrows, throws on his headphones, and listens to the Brewers while washing pizza pans, prepping vegetables and doing other chores.

You see, Eddie has Down syndrome. To him, his job is more than a chance to take home a check. While many new workers may see scrubbing greasy pans and doing dishes as beneath them, Eddie relishes the chance to be responsible, to make money (to support his insatiable appetite for 70’s classic rock CDs), and to enjoy the camaraderie with other co-workers. His job is his worth, and he lives for the daily accomplishment of a job well done.

The irreplaceable self worth that Eddie feels isn’t due to any government program. In fact, the opposite is true – the more he works, the more it jeopardizes his Social Security checks, which means the government is providing a disincentive for him to work more hours (which he is more than willing to do).

Many people with good intentions would find value in government programs that work to get people like Eddie into the workforce. In fact, the state Department of Workforce Development houses the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation, which helps individuals with disabilities find janitorial, food service, and other types of jobs. But as is the case with many government programs, DVR has been criticized in the past for poor bookkeeping, wasting money, and doing a substandard job of finding work for those it served.

What state lawmakers often don\’t realize is that there are private sector answers for many of the problems our society faces. There are actually companies who specialize in finding work for the disabled, and our lawmakers can help the process not by imposing more regulations, but by providing incentives for businesses to utilize their services. Private companies can do good work more efficiently, as the incentive is there for them to be streamlined, effective, and to provide good service.

A bill currently pending before the Wisconsin Legislature would provide an excellent opportunity to apply conservative, free market principles in getting more disabled citizens to work. The bill, AB 622, would provide tax incentives to businesses that employ disabled citizens through a registered community rehabilitation program, which is an organization that specializes in finding jobs for the disabled. While it would result in less revenue brought in to the state\’s treasury, there is a big difference between a new program \”costing\” the state more money and a tax break depriving the treasury of taxpayer money it should have never had to begin with.

At 45 years old, Eddie is living on borrowed time. Over 50% of individuals with Down syndrome suffer from congenital heart disease, which often cuts their lives short before their 40th birthday. If it is his heart that ends his life it will be a cruel irony, as it is the depth of his heart that keeps him getting on that bus and showing up for work. There are no doubt thousands of individuals just like him willing to do small tasks with the expertise of a neurosurgeon.

You’ll never see Eddie when you go to Pizza Hut, but you’ll know when he’s gone. Let’s just hope there’s another disabled citizen there to make it their life’s work to provide you with a clean plate.

For the story, go here.

In more important news…

In 1993, I dated a girl named Laura briefly. We probably went out three or four times. After each date, we would go back to her parents\’ house and talk to her family, including her sister Maureen, who is a year older. After three dates, it dawned on me: I am dating the wrong sister!

I stopped calling Laura, and obviously, it would have been awkward to immediately ask her older sister out, so I let it drop. We lost touch, and I hadn\’t seen either of them since then…

…Until Saturday night. I was at a wedding where the whole family was congregated. After dinner, Laura started walking over to my table. I straightened up, thinking she was coming to say \”hi.\” Instead, she walked to the guy sitting next to me, and started chatting about the one time they had met a few years ago at a tailgate party. She then left, completely snubbing me. So she remembers a guy she met once, but not a guy she played tonsil hockey with?

I immediately braced for a confrontation. There was no way she was getting away with that. (Needless to say, my wife was less than sympathetic, although she admired my ability to hold grudges). Unfortunately, she and her new husband of less than a month slipped out of the wedding early, foiling my plot to engage her.

After about six 7 and 7\’s, I unveiled my new plot. I had to go talk to Maureen. So I went and told her all about how I wish I had actually dated her 12 years ago and that she was way better than Laura. She seemed flattered, but her husband was less enthusiastic about this display of liquid honesty. Fortunately, I emerged from the wedding reception unscathed, and I didn\’t really look like that much of a jackass compared to the guy going table to table complaining about how bad the halibut was (it was actually Chilean sea bass).

Needless to say, the headache that accompanied me yesterday was not conducive to blogging about the Packers. In fact, some events are just self-explanatory, so I\’ll leave it at that.

I know, I know. This one will take a little while to explain. Maybe it’s just the contrarian in me. Then again, it is more likely the magic markers I have been sniffing.

For years, WEAC, the state teachers’ union, has tried to convince the public that the quality of their kids’ education is directly tied to the amount of money paid to their teachers. By their reasoning, if you pay the same teacher $46,000, rather than $42,000, your child will get a better education. Imagine if we paid every teacher $200,000 – Harvard would have to double in size to keep up with all the cheesehead kids!

Let’s take a step back and look at that. You go in to talk to your boss, looking for a raise. You’ve been working at the shower cap factory for four years now, and think it is time to make more than seven bucks an hour. You say the following to your boss:

“Mr. Wormser, I really haven’t been giving it my all the last couple of years. In fact, I’ve really been mailing it in, giving it a less than average effort. Given that fact, I believe that I will be a much more productive worker if you pay me nine dollars an hour. For that, I’ll crank out more shower caps – until next year, when I come in and tell you I can do even better for more money.”

Mr. Wormser would then nearly break his arm with the speed that he fills out your pink slip. (After he shows you a security video of you stuffing your pants full of shower caps and taking them home. I mean, really – are shower caps that important? Shame on you.)

As absurd as that scenario is, that is essentially what the teachers would have you believe. Rather than tell you that they are working hard and giving your kids the best education half the state budget and property taxes levied in the state can buy, they tell you that you’re not getting the whole deal, and your kids will continue to pay until you fork over the cash. At the same time, they brag about the great education Wisconsin kids are getting – just not your kid.

So what does this have to do with legislators? I certainly don\’t think our current elected officials will suddenly have a joint epiphany with a bigger paycheck. It’s all about deepening the pool of job applicants. (Come to think of it, there are probably plenty of college students that have \”joint epiphanies.\”)

There are plenty of people qualified and willing to be teachers. Teaching jobs in good school districts are difficult to find, no matter what tale of woe the teachers are weaving. Now look at the potential pool of state legislators – it can barely be considered a puddle.

Before each election cycle, legislative leaders have to tour the state and beg people to run for office. Many of the people that run are hand picked and recruited by sitting legislators to come “join the team.” Often times, it takes a significant amount of coercion. The days of citizens running for office on their own accord are almost gone. Right now state senators and representatives make about $45,000 a year. Certainly not bad money, by any stretch of the imagination. But think about this – is $45,000 a year enough to entice someone who has been successful in life away from the job that they have?

Most legislators fall into a number of categories. They are either young ex-staffers, bored retirees, farmers looking out for their interests, or lawyers looking to pad their resumes. The hours are long, the travel is frequent, and the criticism can be stinging. Running for state office is a grueling process that takes the candidate away from their job and family for months at a time. Once you gain office, you can look forward to teacher e-mails directly referencing your family, lifelong friends turning their back on you for not supporting their cause, and lonely nights traveling the district looking for backwoods school district meetings to attend.

Increasing legislator pay would provide an incentive for people in the real world to drop everything and become public servants. It would entice individuals to the Capitol who have actually made a living dealing with big budgets, customer service, and making meaningful deadlines. Similarly, there would be higher turnover, as many of these new legislators would return to the private sector more quickly, rather than making a career out of legislative service. There is nothing better than a legislator who doesn’t need the job and can vote his or her conscience.

On the flip side, I still subscribe to the idea that the state legislature shouldn’t be a “millionaires club” where nobody of modest means ever gains election. But I see elections essentially as a job interview. When I interview a candidate for a job as important as handling my tax money, I would like to see something a little more substantive than “Wendy’s salad bar security guard” on their resume. When choosing a candidate, voters should take very seriously the success that person has had in life. Unfortunately, the list of people willing to make the sacrifice to run for office is few and far between these days.

Additionally, providing more of a financial incentive for individuals to run would lead to more lively and competitive campaigns statewide. By deepening the pool of applicants, many lifelong incumbents who have become career politicians would occasionally have to beat back a primary challenger who may represent the changing demographics of a district. A stalwart Democrat who hasn’t faced a serious challenger in decades might actually get a serious and successful Republican challenger (and vice versa). Gone would be the days where 80% of Assembly seats go unchallenged, because the incentive to gain office would be substantial.

Now granted, I am not saying being a legislator is an entirely terrible job. There aren\’t any Mexican migrant workers saying \”thank God I\’m not a Wisconsin legislator.\” And a lot depends on the quality of the legislator – there are plenty of bad ones in safe districts that don\’t really do the difficult chores, but are re-elected regularly based on party affiliation. But as stated above, these lazy legislators may become targets with the right incentive.

This idea, of course would not be popular. Legislative approval is at an all time low. In fact, if it were passed into law, the Assembly speaker might have to hire Paul Barrows as a spokesman to improve the press his office was getting. But you’d get over it. After all, you steal shower caps, so who are you to judge?

Of course, there would be a cost to my proposal. If you doubled the pay of every legislator, it would cost about $5.9 million a year (I am not a legislator, nor do I ever aspire to be). That sounds like a lot, until you consider the total legislative budget is $130 million per biennium. Where would the money come from? Ask the new smart legislators – they can actually add and subtract.

As I stated in an earlier post, I bleed green and gold, like the rest of Wisconsin. Seeing as how the season has gone to this point, I thought it would be somewhat therapeutic for me to jot down some of my thoughts during today’s game versus the Vikings. Consider this a semi-return to the blogging world.

A little background on the game today – the Vikings come in at 1-4 after what could generously be considered a couple of disastrous weeks. Every joke that can be made about boat-gate has been made, but let’s just say that the only bigger public relations disaster for the Vikings would have been if Harriet Miers was on board one of the boats. In fact, that might be the only job she is overqualified for.

Despite Mike Sherman’s determination to run the Packers completely into the ground, they have managed to show a little life lately. However, the Packers usually see the same hospitality on their trips to the Metrodome that Jeffrey Dahmer received on his trip to prison.

Before the game starts, there are a couple things I need to get out of the way. First, I am in two fantasy football leagues, and in one I am playing against the team that has Brett Favre and in the other I am playing against the team that has Daunte Culpepper. So an ideal game for me would be a 2-0 Packer win where nobody enters the other team’s side of the field. Happens all the time.

About a half hour before the game, I did something unprecedented – I saw a Taco Bell commercial that made me immediately run out to get Taco Bell. This has never happened to me before. I purchased a Grilled Stuf’d Steak Burrito, a Steak Nachos Bellgrande, a soda, and three beef soft tacos. Total bill: 48 cents. I mean seriously, you could feed all of Botswana at Taco Bell and still have change left over for some cheesy potatoes.

A note on some of the pregame shows – what is with all of these grown men laughing and touching each other? I mean, seriously – if I were Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw touched me on the arm, I’d cold cock him in his grill. These pregame shows are like slumber parties for grown men with jock itch. ESPN’s pregame show actually billed an interview with Michael Irvin and Keyshawn Johnson “The Great Debate.” As we speak, the Lincoln Library is building a shrine to Keyshawn , relegating Stephen A. Douglas to the basement.

As the game gets started, the home crowd – the home crowd – boos the Vikings like they were Elton John at Harley Fest.

And the kickoff…

12:09 – The Packers’ first drive stalls with two penalties. Good thing we got all those kinks worked out in the bye week, huh fellas?

12:11 – FOX shows their first shot of cheeseheads in the crowd. This is now as obligatory, and leads to a debate I often have with myself – are the Packers a net positive or negative for Wisconsin? Obviously, the nationwide attention we get due to the Packers is great, mostly due to the presence of #4 for a decade and a half. But – and I hate to be so blunt – a lot of the coverage goes further than just portraying Packer fans as a working class crowd. In fact, I would say the nationwide perception of a Packer fan is of someone who wears their cheesehead to work, drinks beer for breakfast, and weighs about 3 Franklins. And as one who reflects all of the above, I take offense.

12:20 – Packers get the ball back. With third and about a Whizzinator to go, Ahman Green is stopped up but bailed out by an offsides call. Even before his recent injury, Ahman was having a terrible year. If he would only show the same aggression towards the Vikings that he does towards his own wife, he might actually have a decent game. (A joke every Packer fan has said to themselves but are afraid to say out loud)

12:37 – Robert Ferguson catches a long pass, but injures his knee in the process. Mike Sherman immediately subs in The Burger King to take Ferguson’s place.

12:41 – Donald Driver catches a miracle one handed touchdown. 7-0, Pack.

12:43 – Two traditions are distinctly Wisconsin: Eating raw meat and listening to the Packers on the radio while watching the game on TV. I don’t do this, but have a number of friends that do. I personally think Wayne Larivee walks on water, but there always seems to be a gap between the broadcasts, which allows you to actually see how bad the Vikings suck before you hear it.

12:52 – In an attempt to eliminate any shred of dignity they still have as a team, the Vikes fumble the ball through Culpepper’s legs on a fourth down play. Mike Tice stares blankly into space, contemplating a rumor he heard about being able to create fire by rubbing two sticks together.

12:58 – Driver makes another unbelievable catch that gets the Packers deep into Viking territory. Following the play, Driver turns the ball into fish and wine for the crowd. He’s having that good of a day.

1:02 – Antonio Chatman makes a diving catch at the back end of the end zone for a touchdown. Vikings contest the play via instant replay, which shows he actually got three feet down, it was that indisputable.

1:23 – Vikings end the half with a long incomplete pass that announcer Bill Maas calls a microcosm of their season. Um… yeah, Bill. That pass was just like their season, except for it didn’t involve drugs, a fake rubber male organ, and an orgy on a boat. Other than that, it was just like it. 17-0, Packers. It’s been a while since the Vikings scored on dry land.

1:25 – The Vikings are so bad, entire sections of fans are demanding their money back for tickets they bought from Tice.

1:34 – More tomfoolery on the FOX halftime show. I haven’t seen this many men touching each other since the last Morrissey show I attended.

1:37 – FOX shows a graphic that the Vikings have 31 passing yards in the first half. How far is that in knots?

1:43 – The Vikings are immediately on the move. Koren Robinson, three weeks out of alcohol rehab, catches a pass after receiving a lap dance from Ahmad Carroll, and tips Carroll 5 bucks. After the catch, play is halted, and Carroll is awarded a trophy for being “Worst Player on an NFL Roster.” Carroll accepts the award, and play resumes.

2:00 – Troy Williamson catches a pass for a first down on third and ten, after being “covered” by guess who? Ahmad Carroll.

2:01 – Vikings throw the ball into the end zone, the wide receiver and the defensive back collide, and a flag is thrown. I immediately begin to string together a grab bag of obscenities in a barely comprehensible rant, thinking the flag is on the Packers. Fortunately, it was on the Vikings and my blood pressure lowers from “lethal” to “deadly.”

2:02 – On the next play, Culpepper throws a touchdown to Marcus Robinson in the same spot of the end zone. I’ll give you one guess as to who was covering (or not covering, in this case) Robinson. That’s right. #1 draft pick Ahmad Carroll.

Remember the part of “The Muppets Take Manhattan” when Kermit gets run over by a car, gets amnesia, and thinks he’s a soap salesman? He shows up at work (named Phillip Phil) and comes up with terrible new slogans like “Ocean Breeze Soap – for people who don’t want to stink,” and “Ocean Breeze Soap – it’s like an ocean cruise, except there’s no boat, and you don’t actually go anywhere.”

It’s like Ahmad Carroll was hit in the head at some point, got amnesia, and now believes he is an NFL player. He just keeps showing up for work, and nobody wants to say anything in case it hurts his feelings. One of these days he’s going to get hit in the head again, regain consciousness, and return to filling the ketchup di
spensers at Culver’s. 17-7 Packers.

2:05 – If I was commissioner for a day, the first thing I would do away with is the practice of going to a commercial after a kickoff. If the league needs extra advertising revenue, let Mike Sherman wear a “Tampax” hat.

2:09 – “Cap’n Fred” Smoot holds Driver on a pass attempt. It’s the first time Smoot touched someone since he flew “Bubbles” in from Atlanta.

2:13 – Favre completes a pass to Bubba Franks. Fantasy football be damned – Packers need a touchdown.

2:19 – Ryan Longwell misses a 42 yard field goal. On turf. Indoors.

2:28 – After a long Viking drive, Nick Barnett breaks up a pass in the end zone intended for Mewelde Moore. Vikings settle for a field goal. After the ensuing kickoff, Viking kicker Paul Edinger, clearly a member of genus rodentia, is laughing about getting steamrolled on the play. Losing is funny, Paul.

2:34 – Ahman Green drops to the turf and grabs his knee after a short gain.

2:38 – Down 17-13, the Vikings get the ball back, and the Packers decide they have had enough of playing that pesky “defense” that their coaches are always harping about. Things from here on get a little hazy for me. Each pass Culpepper completes feels like a midget punching you in the groin (trust me, I know what that is like). Culpepper runs for 20 yards on a quarterback draw, the 34th time they have run that play this game. About this time, I start thinking about places in the house where I might be able to hang a noose. The only place I can really think of is the garage, as the beams are exposed out there. But then I remember that it is freezing out there and I might catch cold.

2:40 – Maas says Ahman Green’s injury “is not good news.” Really, jerkoff? I thought the Franklin Mint might be commemorating the moment with a nice collectible coin.

2:44 – Ahmad Carroll beat again for a first down, and the announcers note that he “has had trouble staying on his feet.” Guess he skipped the “ability to stay upright” drill at the NFL draft combine. Mewelde Moore catches his first career touchdown. Vikings go ahead, 20-17. I look down to my notepad where I scrawled the words “Hopeless – Dying.”

Boy, it’s a good thing Aaron Rodgers is standing over on the sideline with a clipboard. The Packers certainly couldn’t have used a first round pick to shore up the 30th rated defense in the NFL at a time like this. Rodgers is like the Harriet Miers of the NFL – he may end up being a good NFL quarterback, but picking him essentially euthanized what could be Brett Favre’s last season. I mean, all Favre is doing is leading the NFL in touchdown passes, and they are almost begging him to retire.

2:51 – Catches by Martin and Chatman have the Packers on the move, in position for at least a game tying field goal. Two minute warning.

2:56 – On a third and two, Mike Sherman calls an unconscionably bad running play. Favre had been marching the team down passing the ball, and Sherman thinks it would be a good idea to hand it off to the third string RB, who gets stuffed. In calling that play, Sherman is outcoached by a coach whose team is falling apart and who will likely be fired in a week. You think you might want to score a touchdown there, genius? You had a timeout, and you’re in the Metrodome! Longwell field goal, score tied 20-20.

3:00 – Everyone in the free world knows what is coming now. Sherman’s bad play call will result in the Vikings winning the game on a field goal. Of course, with 8 seconds left in the game and no times out, there’s only one play the Vikings can call to get the yardage they need – a 10 to 15 yard out to the sideline. This apparently befuddles the Packers defense, which allows them to get exactly that.

3:02 – Packers use their time out, Edinger kicks a 56 yard field goal to win the game for the Vikings.

3:04 – Mike Sherman calls the league office to see if they can forgo the formality of the Packers having the first pick in the 2006 Draft, and asks if he can just start Reggie Bush next week. Sherman is told that FEMA is being sent in to commandeer the franchise and Ray Nagin is being made head coach.

After an hour or so of despondency, my daughter climbed up on my lap, wrapped her arms around me, kissed me on the cheek, and said \”I love you Daddy.\” I told her not to get too emotional – she has to suit up at running back for the Packers next week.

On to week 8, where the Pack will be clubbed like a baby seal by an angry Bengal team that lost at home today.

Here in Wisconsin, our thoughts and prayers are with you. It is clear that the damage and destruction your region has suffered from Hurricane Katrina will be severe and lasting. The hurricane didn’t just hit the Gulf Coast, it hit America – and we will stand with you in your recovery.

Unfortunately, some Wisconsin State Legislators have looked at your situation and seen naked political opportunity. One of my state senators has sent a letter to President Bush asking him to release oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to make sure gas prices here don’t spike due to your devastating loss.

In a time of crisis, it is unconscionable to me that politicians can be callous enough to use this tragic event as merely a platform for political opportunity. Before a single rescue crew had been through what is left of the streets of New Orleans, Biloxi, or Mobile, legislators were pandering to the press to get a cheap story. Before a single drowned body has been pulled from a flooded home, some of my legislators were more worried about whether we here in the Midwest may pay a few extra cents at the pump.

Releasing oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserves is an extremely complicated proposition with international ramifications. If the fuel is released, one of the problems we may face is a lack of refineries, not a shortage of crude oil. Having all the oil in the world won’t help us if the refineries cannot process it. The infrastructure in the Gulf Coast Region may be severely damaged, which would make transporting this oil costly. Releasing oil from the strategic reserves could signal a shortage crisis to the futures markets, which would actually drive the price upwards. Thus, releasing the oil in reserve may serve little purpose other than to spawn more press releases for political opportunists. While it may still be a good idea, the timing of this request is disturbing.

The only role Wisconsin State Legislators should be playing in this tragedy is to urge their constituents to donate food, clothing, and money to the relief effort. Nobody likes high gas prices, but it is a global problem. Unless a Wisconsin State Senator can convince India and China to reduce their demand for oil, altering the state’s gas tax is the most significant act we as a state can take, and we have not been willing to do so.

In the last day, we have seen video of streets and buildings underwater, power lines down, and substantial wind damage to structures. We have seen video of heroic rescues of people trapped on their roofs, and those are the lucky ones who managed to make it out of their homes. No doubt rescue crews will find attics with fingernail scratches in the ceilings where people were sentenced to death.

I truly cannot believe one could look at that scene and immediately worry about gas prices in Wisconsin, rather than the well being of families who have suffered casualties or total property loss. Apparently our legislators are willing to step over a few hundred caskets in search of an easy press hit.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you, and I urge all the residents of Wisconsin to help the relief effort to their full capabilities. Please make a contribution to the relief effort at the American Red Cross website or choose a worthwhile charity that is helping residents of the area. While kind Wisconsinites are helping you get back on your feet, Judy Robson and John Gard will be sending you a bill for the extra buck per tank they have to pay when they fill up at the pump.

Sincerely,

Dennis York

Note: This post does not constitute a return to blogging.

In one of her recent posts, Jessica McBride asks the question: \”Who is Dennis York?\” A more topical question might be: \”Who was Dennis York?\”

After a few months of working on this blog, I have finally decided to pull the plug on this little project. Seeing as how discussion of my identity has really taken over any discussion of what I actually write, I think it\’s probably time. Some other reasons:

1. I have heard from numerous people who are accused of being me on a daily basis. In her article, Jessica actually posits a few possibilities (I am none of those people, FYI). It really isn\’t fair to those people to have to answer questions about whether they are me, and it\’s not fair for people to suspect them of holding some of the opinions I have expressed.

2. I do actually feel guilty for using a pseudonym, and I apologize to those who didn\’t know. If I didn\’t absolutely have to, I wouldn\’t. When I started the blog, I never expected anyone except my audience of about four buddies to actually read it, so I didn\’t think the pen name thing was a big deal. I support other people who want to blog anonymously, because I think it can be a good thing if done right.

3. I\’m just a regular working stiff, and I need to consider the job that actually pays my bills. Continuing this blog would make things difficult in that regard, so I have to prioritize the thing that keeps a roof over my head. I would hope everyone else would make that choice, too.

I want to thank all the people who have read this over the past few months, and the people who encouraged me to get it going in the first place. (I thanked some of them here.) I\’ll continue to read you all in the future, but unfortunately, I will have to vent quietly behind my desk. I\’ll keep all the articles I have written up on the blog, as my little contribution to the blog knowledge base.

Maybe someday I\’ll re-appear as \”Phineas Ironsides\” or \”Grover Manlove\” or something like that in the future. Keep a look out.

There\’s a good speech in the movie \”Hustle and Flow\” about those who talk the talk and those who walk the walk. I had been talking for a while about writing and doing columns. I want to thank you all for letting me walk for a little while.

-\”Dennis York\”

As is the case with most Wisconsin residents, I bleed green and gold. And since I now have a forum to vent my gripes about the Pack, I will do so occasionally. Often times, it will be after a tough loss, I will be drunk and despondent, and they will be only semi-lucid. Here are some thoughts from last night’s scrimmage:

I am as big a Brett Favre fan as anyone, but apparently he has super powers that turn announcers into oatmeal. The three hour lap dance he usually gets from the likes of Madden and Theismann is really getting to be embarrassing. I mean, in his last two playoff games, the guy has walked out and dropped a Cleveland steamer on the middle of the field. Does that count for nothing? (Painful stat update: In his last 5 playoffs games, Favre has thrown 7 touchdowns and 13 interceptions, while the Packers have gone 1-4. Their only win came in overtime against Seattle, on Al Harris\’ interception for a touchdown.)

Jim Bates may be a great defensive coordinator, but any time a running back in pre-season that wears the number “8” is running wild on your defense, it may be time to re-think some things.

Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire shouldn’t even be allowed to buy tickets to the same game that Mike Patrick is working.

J.T. O’Sullivan will make a great life insurance salesman. Or realtor. In fact, I’m setting the over/under at two years before we see an ad that says, “Nobody knows the Monona – Cottage Grove area better than the O’Sullivan Team!”

Listening to Suzy Kolber really makes me want to end it all. With the praise she heaped on Favre for his pre-season workout regimen, you would think he saved an Indonesian city from the tsunami. I didn’t hear many of her other interviews because I was sitting in my closed garage with the car running.

Near the end of the game, I did a double-take when I actually thought I saw a white cornerback on the Packers. I would be less surprised if a saw a stegosaurus playing left tackle.

Instant update: The player I saw was some guy wearing #29, Todd Franz. This is on his official bio, and I am not kidding: \”After football, wants to help wife start a business producing designer purses and baby bags, called \’Fränz Handbags.\’\” The jokes just write themselves.

What could Darrell Bevell possible have to say to Brett Favre as his “coach?”

Bevell: “Brett, you missed the read there – you should have thrown to the post pattern.”

Favre: “Darrell, can you go get me a soda? I think it’s somewhere in the back of my locker – behind my three MVP rings.”

The Najeh Davenport situation is a perfect example of the double-standard we have for athletes. Would he be re-elected if Fred Risser snuck into some UW Madison student’s dorm room and dropped a deuce in her laundry basket in the middle of the night? Come to think of it, that might be the only way he earns my vote.

Aaron Rodgers is still a long way away. In fact, Wisconsin residents better pray for good health for Brett Favre and Jim Doyle, because their backups are horrific.

How cool was it to hear LaDanian Tomlinson talk about touring the Packer Hall of Fame? A class act – someone on another team that is easy to root for.