Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

CRG Announces Recall Against Mayor McCheese

\"\" In a stunning announcement, Citizens for Responsible Government has announced that they will be filing recall papers against the Mayor of McDonaldland, Mayor McCheese.

\”Mayor McCheese is rotten beef that needs to be recalled,\” said Chris Kliesmet, organizer of McDonaldland CRG. \”It is appalling that McCheese would refuse to pay me a lot of money to show him how to save money in city government,\” said Kliesmet. \”Not giving in to my blackmail attempt is a clear sign that he is corrupt,\” added Kliesmet.

When asked why he would plan to recall the wildly popular McCheese three weeks before the next general election, Kliesmet answered, \”The people can\’t be trusted to make the right decision about who they elect. Therefore, we need to trust the people to make the right decision about who they elect, just three weeks earlier. It\’s all about trusting the people, who can\’t be trusted.\”

Feather Bees, spokeswoman for MCRG, said \”It was important for the whole group of us, none of whom actually live in McDonaldland, to go in and tell the people of that city who their mayor should be. Since I\’m really not all that bright, it has never occurred to me how stupid it looks for me to meddle in their city\’s politics, given the fact that McDonaldland is entirely capable of electing a mayor infinitely more objectionable than McCheese,\” said Bees.

Kliesmet also cited McCheese’s opposition to a proposed McDonaldland constitutional amendment that would restrict the growth in the number of ketchup packets handed out by each restaurant. Kliesmet referred to McCheese as a \”BINO (Burger in Name Only)\” for turning his back on the plight of processed meat everywhere.

Speaking at a public hearing last year, McCheese bemoaned what the constitutional amendment would do to his city, saying it would cause draconian cutbacks in napkin quality and force everyone to drink out of straws less than an inch long. “If we are forced to cut back, the prisons will close and hardened criminals like the Hamburglar will run wild in McDonaldland,” said McCheese.

\"\"Orville Seymer of CRG immediately accused McCheese of government intimidation, saying last night he witnessed a sweaty, morbidly obese purple figure hunched over, slashing his tires. Originally believed to be McCheese\’s henchman Grimace, it was later determined to be Kirstie Alley.

McCheese’s legal problems began in 1973, when he was successfully sued by Sid and Marty Krofft for being a ripoff of H.R. Pufinstuff. Following the lawsuit, McCheese fell into depression, battling addiction to Secret Sauce. Following an arrest for soliciting a prostitute, McCheese attempted to commit suicide by feeding himself to a terrier. The dog declined the invitation when he realized he would be eating his cousin, Javier.

“Mayor McCheese is in a real pickle,\” said noted UW Professor of Lunchmeat Politics Avery von Snooterston. \”Generally, politics is so complicated only highly educated UW professors can understand it, so I\’ll try to make it understandable to you common folks. He\’s fried,\” said von Snooterston.

In order to deflect attention from the recall movement, McCheese announced his intention to invade Subway, as he had heard Jared is developing some lethally good chipotle dressing.

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