I had the chance this weekend to peruse the nauseating testimonials supporting Chuck Chvala, submitted by Chvala\’s attorneys to make him look like a great guy. Those 20 felony counts of extortion and money laundering? Keep moving, nothing to see here. Here are some of the ones that stand out, with my comments in red.

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Michael Butera, the former Chief Operating Officer of the Wisconsin Education Association Council (WEAC), writes the court to explain how Sen. Chvala would stick to his principles on legislation:

Chuck was tough on the issues, We didn\’t always agree on policy or politics, but his actions were on top of the table and I always knew that his heart was in improving public education, the status of workers and those less fortunate. WEAC always wanted to end the Qualified Economic Offer and we tried legislatively over and over when Chuck was Majority Leader. It was a principled matter for him; that, it be a part of a broader statewide funding and tax system. For all the friendship and assistance, he stuck to his position. What he did was for the greater good of the State and his party\’s well-being, not his personal aggrandizement or to improve his relationship with us. To the contrary, his personal life and potential gain could have been his driving force, but it was never.

Yeah, Chvala and the head of the state teachers\’ union didn\’t always agree on policy. Give me a break. I can imagine some of these \”disagreements:\”

Chvala: \”Should we compare Republicans to murderers or child molesters? I\’m leaning murderers.\”

Butera: \”I think child molesters is probably better.\”

Chvala: \”Man, these disagreements are wearing me out. You drive a hard bargain, Butera.\”

Jason Kay, a lobbyist for AARP credits Sen. Chvala with the passage of SeniorCare:

I worked closely with Mr. Chvala for two years (2000-2002) when I was a lobbyist for AARP in the Wisconsin state legislature. During that time, I observed Mr. Chvala serve as the guiding force behind the passage of SeniorCare, one of the nation\’s best pharmaceutical assistance programs for the elderly. The negotiations over SeniorCare bogged down over a question of priorities. Assembly leaders wanted to use a large part of the available funds for a benefit structure that the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel referred to as a windfall for the drug companies. Mr. Chvala and his allies (including AARP) wanted to use the funds to create the best possible benefit for the largest possible number of seniors. Mr. Chvala prevailed. The result was that prescriptions became affordable for thousands more elderly Wisconsinites than would have otherwise been the case. However, I cannot recall Mr. Chvala ever asking me for political favors or contributions (AARP does not endorse candidates or give money to candidates).
Moreover, on other lower profile issues, I could generally count on Mr. Chvala to side with the elderly, consumers, and the working poor.

\”The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel referred to as a windfall for drug companies.\” Good God. Is this a testimonial or a piece of campaign literature? Chvala should get leniency because he took the same position as the MJS editorial board on an issue? Should Scott Jensen get leniency because the Waushara Argus likes his stance on school uniforms?

And I suppose passage of Seniorcare, which was proposed by Republican Governor Scott McCallum and passed by a Republican controlled Assembly, had nothing to do with Chvala making his own senators look good? There wasn\’t any political benefit?

Rebecca Young, a former legislative colleague of Chvala writes:

Senator Chvala was consistently supportive of legislation that helped those at the bottom of the economic ladder, I believe, because he genuinely felt that Democrats in the legislature had a special responsibility to respond to the interests of those who were most vulnerable – children, persons with disabilities, those in poverty or teetering on the edge. He was instrumental in successfully promoting lower class sizes in the lower elementary grades, in creating the Stewardship program to preserve environmentally sensitive land for future generations, in setting up Badger Care. Badger Care, for instance, is one of the most effective expansions of Medicaid in the country.

SAGE program (class sizes) = Tommy Thompson
Stewardship program = Tommy Thompson
Badger Care = Tommy Thompson

Apparently, if you opposed any of these broad expansions of governmental authority, your ass deserves to be in jail.

Warren Onken is arguably the most respected alderman ever to serve in Madison. Despite vast political differences, he admires Chuck:

In spite of a gap so wide in our individual political beliefs that could never be closed, we often found ourselves thrown together in trying to resolve neighborhood, City of Madison and many times personal problems involving our mutual constituents. I found Chuck to be caring, responsive, and very involved in doing what he could do to bring a sensible solution to these many issues. Chuck and I later became neighbors and I would define Chuck as the type of person you really want in your neighborhood. I know many years ago the tragic accident of Chuck\’s wife Tracy forced Chuck to become a single parent. As a neighbor I watched Chuck help his children grow and become solid citizens. Chuck was known as a scrupulously honest politician.

This one is probably the most objectionable. Chvala\’s wife\’s tragic accident didn\’t \”force\” him to become a single parent. He divorced his disabled wife and married a Capitol staff member who worked for his best buddy, Russ Decker (I am told Angelina Jolie wasn\’t involved.) What a great guy – just the type I would \”really want in my neighborhood.\” Exactly what neighborhood is he living in? Wisteria Lane?

And exactly who knew Chuck as a \”scrupulously honest politician?\” Is he one of those honest politicians that has to plead down 20 felony counts for extortion and money laundering?

Joseph Strohl, a former Senate Majority Leader and now a lobbyist, relates:

I am also reminded from time to time by my wife of the evening Senator Chvala and his wife joined us at our home for dinner with several other political friends. Prior to leaving the dinner, Chvala pulled me aside and asked who to make the check out to for dinner? We said something like, oh don’t worry about it. He insisted no he had to pay for the meal and quietly wrote out a check for $25. That honesty is also a part of the Chvala legacy that I remember.

Here\’s a free public relations tip: When you have people write letters of support for you, it might not be the best idea to use someone who plays host to people in their house who allegedly beat, strangle, and threaten to kill their lovers. Joe Strohl may well be a wonderful guy, but I wouldn\’t put \”judge of character\” among his strengths. Hey, maybe Chvala can get Steven Avery to write him a letter, while he\’s at it.

And he paid for a meal at a registered lobbyist\’s house in accordance with state law? Man, what a guy. For the record, I didn\’t steal any Volkswagons yesterday. And the day before that, I didn\’t expose myself to anyone at the library. I expect full credit for being a law abiding citizen on these occasions. In fact, I follow the law at least five days a week.

And nice touch describing him as \”quietly\” writing out a check. Must have had a felt-tipped pen.

Michael Butera also remembers Chuck’s honesty.

As the new Chief Operating Officer of WEAC, I made the rounds of the Capital to say hello and get to know the leadership of the legislature. When I contacted Chuck, he asked that we meet for dinner down the street from his office on State Street I accepted. After the usual niceties of first greetings, Chuck looked me square in the eye and said I know you have had been a lobbyist in many states, but this is Wisconsin and I want to clear the air early – \”I\’m buying dinner.\” I remember vividly responding, \”That\’s a first\” I have told this story in many settings and in many states and it is always greeted with some amazement. In all of our encounters, over the period of time I spent in Wisconsin, we stuck to a rigid agreement to meet away form his government office and in his law office or some restaurant. I met with Chuck one night on the West side after he had played hockey. He was in all his hockey gear and a little sweaty, but we carried on our business in a professional and honorable manner. We each paid our own way. That is the way it was in every engagement.

What in the hell does any of this have to do with Chvala\’s criminal charges? Mental note – when breaking the law, always wear hockey gear, and be a little sweaty. Then you can always use that excuse at sentencing.

Dispatch: \”Car 36, we have a possible breaking and entering on Maple Street, along with some spousal abuse and a possible occurence of plagiarism.\”

Cop: \”What is the suspect wearing?\”

Dispatch: \”Hockey gear. And I hear he\’s a little sweaty.\”

Cop: \”Copy that, Dispatch. I don\’t think there\’s anything to see there. I\’ll be at Taco Bell.\”

John Mathews of MTI vouches for Chuck’s honesty when fund-raising:

I also worked with Chuck to raise funds for numerous candidates, including himself. Not once did any conversation relative to fund raising take place in his Legislative office or on or from public property. Each such conversation occurred in my office, by cell phone from his car, or in his law office. Not once, in my experience, did Chuck connect fund raising with legislation.

He didn\’t have to. That WEAC money was automatic.

Sue Meinholz tells how Chuck would ensure that his own staff properly accounted for their time:
Each month I was the staff member responsible for putting in front of Chuck our monthly time accounting sheet that was used for years and years in the Senate. Chuck personally signed the monthly time sheets. It was common for him to ask me as the time sheet was put before him, \”Has everyone reported their time accurately?\” Chuck trusted us to be responsible, ethical and honest employees. We knew what was at stake and did not violate that trust.

Sue Menholz also has a great timeshare she\’d like you to take a look at. I mean, please. If Chvala ever said that to his staff, I\’ll run naked across lake Mendota. Again.

Chuck Chvala, has a soft side to him. Paula McGuire, a legislative aid writes:

Although I will always admire Chuck for his political leadership, I learned more from Chuck by the way he conducted himself personally. Chuck frequently spoke about how we will be judged as a society by the way we treat others, but it was his actions in showing respect to others that showed me his integrity and true character. One evening when the State Senate was in session late into the evening, Mary Jo, a custodial employee at the Capitol, came into our office to empty the trashcans. Chuck was in his office with Doug Burnett and other Senators discussing bills pending on the calendar over a quick dinner of pizza. Chuck saw Mary Jo waiting apprehensively, unsure if she should enter his office to empty the trash. He immediately grabbed his trashcan and went and emptied it himself. Chuck then invited Mary Jo into his office to have a slice of pizza and asked her to share her opinions on the pending issues to be considered by the Senate. Chuck was a great Majority Leader because he didn\’t allow the position to inflate his ego; he didn\’t see himself as being too important to empty his own trash and he continued to value the opinions of his colleagues and constituents. Not only was Chuck accessible to constituents and staff, he went the extra mile to help anyone who asked, or those he saw in need. For example, Chuck would often ask high school students on Capitol tours where they were going to attend college. Chuck valued higher education, and he knew how competitive the admission process is, and offered to write sincere letters of recommendation. I remember one specific incident where his interest made the difference for that deserving student. Personally, I know what he did for my parents. My parents are people of modest means, who vote in every election, and truly believe in the Democratic Party. In 2000, Chuck Chvala offered his two seats on the stage of the Vice President Al Gore campaign rally on the Capitol Square to my parents knowing that this would be a highlight in their lives. He then made sure they met Vice President Al Gore following the rally, even though this made Chuck late for an important dinner. My dad still talks about the day, when a retired postal worker got to meet the Vice President of the United States. Chuck gave my dad that opportunity, and for that I am thankful.

Somewhere in Wisconsin, there is someone in a mental institution that doesn\’t deserve to be there… and yet Paula McGuire walks the streets a free woman. Where is the justice?

I am awaiting the trial when we catch Osama bin Laden. Osama\’s attorney: \”Your honor, Osama was a kind man – he would often empty his own trash and offer pizza to his trainees. When the cave\’s janitors came in, he would often ask them the best way to deliver death to America. And he loved Al Gore!\”

And doesn\’t the fact that he thinks he deserves to get credit for emptying his own trash signal that he does think he\’s better than everyone else? And what\’s with the continual misspelling of the word \”aide?\”

Chuck Chvala is a caring compassionate individual. He helped produce much important legislation. He has led an exemplary life. His character dictates a minimum sentence

I have always thought periods were an overrated punctuation mark. Why waste one on what might be the most important document of your life? Is Lionel Hutz his attorney?

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There are more, but you get the idea. Apparently, Chvala got his application for the papacy in late, because he would be a shoo-in over that crank Ratzinger. I think my eyes are going to fall out, I rolled them so much while reading those accounts.

In what is probably the most transparent and crass political maneuver of the year, State Representative John Lehman on Friday announced that he would be introducing a bill to allow disabled veterans free admission to state parks. You may recall that Lehman is the same guy who spent three months in prison in 1971 for dodging the draft, before he was pardoned by President Gerald Ford. So the message he is sending is pretty much this – Sorry you don\’t have any legs since I decided I would rather go to jail than fight with you in Vietnam, but I\’m all for saving you five bucks when you go to a state park.

Have you seen where McDonald\’s is now offering debit cards where you can deposit funds to be used at McDonald\’s? Whose idea is this – the national cardiologists\’ association? Is the heart attack business slowing down? Are we to the point now where people are too lazy to reach into their wallets and count out cash? If you need this card, there is a 60% chance you need a forklift to get into your car.

When a movie comes out on DVD and the ads promise it\’s the \”unrated and uncut\” version, there\’s a 100% chance the movie is horrible and an even better chance that you will be disappointed with the \”urated and uncut\” materials. If the movie was any good, the \”rated and cut\” version would do just fine. Can you see them trying to splice a cheerleader carwash scene into \”Taxi Driver?\”

Can\’t we find just one dying kid in the state that is willing to trick Brett Favre into promising he\’ll play one more year? In not, how about a hare lip? Overactive sweat glands?

Will the gay marriage ban as passed by the Legislature send Ahmad Carroll to prison for the way he molests other men that are trying to catch passes?

PETA is trying to ban the use of monkeys in commercials. Is there anything funnier than talking monkeys, or monkeys smoking cigars? I would propose the opposite – that all commercials should be mandated to have at least one monkey.

Good for Owen at Boots and Sabers on his editorial in the Wisconsin State Journal today on gas tax indexing. If I were ever to appear in the paper with a point/counterpoint editorial, the descriptive bylines would look something like this:

Bob Cook is executive director of the Transportation Development Association.

Dennis York has a keyboard.

While it seems like an eternity since I have been any part of a singles \”scene,\” I have noticed a disturbing trend in dating lately. I was perusing some of the blogs at MKEonline.com, and I was shocked at how many women now consider themselves \”relationship\” bloggers. Apparently, everyone now wants to be like that woman from the Sex in the City show (which I have never seen), and thinks they have something to offer to the collective knowledge base of the nation.

If you are a single guy looking for love and you happen to start dating one of these women, I have one tip for you…

RUN!

And never go back. Look, you and I both know that sometimes you turn your underwear inside out and wear it for another day. We both know in desperate situations you have picked your nose and wiped it under your car seat. That\’s fine. But when one of these women gets a hold of this information, people in Bangladesh will be reading about your shortcomings. Once you start dating a relationship blogger, your dirty laundry will be available for all to see.

Dating apparently has become more complex than it was in the old days (when I met my wife, nobody really had cell phones, and only drug dealers had pagers). Now when you meet someone, you should have an application with you at all times. STD test? Check. Crazy ex boyfriend? Check. Secret blog where you will expose my proclivity for sticking my tongue in a bag of movie popcorn to eat it while my hands are full? Check.

Fortunately, many of them are so inane, they can only draw a few readers a day. But all it takes is one person to get a hold of the web address and suddenly your most private insecurities are there for public consumption.

Many of these women start blogging because they suffer some huge event in their life and feel the need to burden everyone else with their story. Take wedding singer Bex for example, whose husband went off to fight for his country in Afghanistan. This, of course forced her into the arms of another man. Her husband\’s family found out, so the marriage just ended. It seems that all of her loved ones are doing the sensible thing and not talking to her. (Her story is told in three separate posts, The Beginning, The Middle, and The End. A must read).

Since she\’s done telling her story, she has now resorted to posting junk e-mails she gets (and renaming her blog from \”I Walk Alone\” to \”Le Coeur De Bex\” after the necklace from Titanic – apparently unaware of how unintentionally ironic that is). But she has now moved to a small town in Maine to start over. I can imagine being the lucky guy she starts dating first, not having any knowledge that everything he does is now going to be part of her blog. Shouldn\’t there be some kind of public warning for men that lets us know when female bloggers move to our city? Like a sex offender directory?

There is a plus side of all this online hormonal therapy: if you are a married male and you hit a rough patch in your marriage, look at the bright side. You could always be single and lured into Bex\’ dungeon of love.

Side note: Before I met my wife, the longest relationship I ever had was 3 months, and that was with the \”Rewind\” button on my VCR.

I don\’t know what State Senator Jon Erpenbach\’s Christmas list looks like, but I can bet Chuck Chvala\’s name ain\’t on it.

Today Chvala, who is awaiting sentencing after being found guilty on two felony counts for his actions as former Senate Majority Leader, issued an apology to the court, presumably to lobby for less jail time. In this noxious, bilous document (more on that later), Chvala refers to Erpenbach by name twice, and specifically implicates Erpenbach in the illegal activity to which he confesses.

This isn\’t the first time Chvala has tried to pull Erpenbach into his morass. In fact, to see a man more obsessed with another man, you\’re going to have to go see a screening of \”Brokeback Mountain.\” Chvala is trying to give Erpenbach the same treatment he\’s going to be getting when he heads to the Big House.

It all began back in 1998, when Chvala essentially used his state resources to direct Erpenbach to a win in the 27th Senate seat outside of Madison. In October of 2002, Chvala was hit with 20 felony criminal counts, including extortion, filing false campaign reports, and using state resources to direct campaigns.

Here\’s where it gets interesting. In the rush to fill Chvala\’s spot as majority leader, Senate Democrats picked co-leaders: Senators Russ Decker and Fred Risser take over. As the attached Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel article states, Decker was seen as Chvala\’s right hand man to guide the caucuses in his absence. But the article also contained this:

Although some speculated that Sen. Jon Erpenbach (D-Middleton) might seek the job, he said he would not go after the influential post.

Let me translate that: Jon Erpenbach started calling around to see if he had the votes to be leader, and he did not. In the process of doing so, he may have exposed himself as a political opportunist, and may have said some unflattering things about Chvala.

Of course, in the ensuing weeks the Democratic caucus collapsed and the Senate Republicans ended up beating three incumbent Democratic senators, largely by using their ties to Chvala. This swing gave the Senate GOP an 18-15 majority, and relegated the Democratic caucus to the minority.

Sensing a need to clean house, Erpenbach then ran for minority leader for the Senate Democrats, and he won. A month later, however, his leadership was challenged, as described in this Journal-Sentinel news brief:

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel (Wisconsin)
February 4, 2004
Wirch drops challenge to Erpenbach

Madison — State Sen. Bob Wirch (D-Kenosha) said Tuesday he dropped his challenge to his party\’s Senate leader, Sen. Jon Erpenbach (D-Middleton).Wirch, who announced that he was considering challenging Erpenbach last week, estimated that that he had six of the eight votes required to be elected leader of the 15 Senate Democrats. Republicans control the Senate, 18-15.\”I was close,\” Wirch said.Wirch said his potential challenge grew out of a Senate vote that overrode Democratic Gov. Jim Doyle\’s veto of a concealed weapons bill.

Five of the 15 Democrats, including Wirch, voted to override the governor\’s veto. Erpenbach threatened to remove Democratic Sen. Russ Decker of Schofield from the Legislature\’s budget committee if he voted to override Doyle, which Decker did. Wirch said Decker was one of six supporters in a bid to oust Erpenbach.Other Capitol emocrats said Wirch had been encouraged to challenge Erpenbach by state Sen. Chuck Chvala (D-Madison), the former Senate majority leader who faces 19 criminal charges as a result of a corruption investigation.

So a month into Erpenbach\’s leadership, Chvala was already working to undermine his authority.

The Chvala trial dragged on and on, in large part due to the number of motions Chvala filed to have it delayed. In the meantime, Senate Democrats lost one more seat in the 2004 elections to bring the senate to 19-14, Republicans (Chvala chose not to run).

In October of this year, Chvala finally pleaded guilty to two felony counts in a plea deal with the prosecution. What is interesting, however, is that he decided to plead guilty to one of the counts that implicates Erpenbach in his illegal activity. Curiously, an article written by Steven Walters appeared in the Journal Sentinel on October 30th of this year that suggests Republicans might go after Erpenbach based on his ties to Chvala.

From the article:

\”When former state Senate Majority Leader Chuck Chvala pleaded guilty to one felony last week, he did so in a way that gave Republicans an election-year opening against Sen. Jon Erpenbach (D-Middleton)…

According to the criminal complaint, then-Senate Democratic caucus worker Julie Laundrie, whose job Chvala controlled, told investigators \”she worked at least 90% of her time for Erpenbach during his election from her state office and on state time.\”

Laundrie also told investigators that Chvala called her \”several times a day\” at her state desk about Erpenbach\’s campaign, according to the complaint, which added: \”Laundrie stated that she felt she would have lost her job in the caucus office if Erpenbach had not won his election.\”

Now, I\’m not a GOP insider, but I would be shocked if Republicans planted this story. They don\’t really have a chance of winning that seat, and couldn\’t even find anyone to run against Erpenbach in 2002. Plus, they have several key vulnerable seats to defend around the state, and it would be nuts to sink money into a seat that\’s 60% Democratic.

So how did this story end up in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel? Who suggested it?

Finally, we are treated to Chvala\’s nauseating \”apology\” today, where he mentions Erpenbach by name twice in reference to one of his felony counts. He even throws in the fact that Erpenbach\’s staffer received a hefty salary increase for her campaign work, just to be a nice guy.

So what exactly is going on here? Is there any doubt Chvala is paying Erpenbach back for his disloyalty following the criminal counts?

On a final note, any judge that looks at Chvala\’s apology should immediately triple his prison sentence. It is an absolutely preposterous document that posits Chvala as an innocent bystander, unable to control all of the things going on around him. In fact, by all accounts, nothing could go on without Chvala\’s knowledge, and he was the meanest bastard to ever disgrace the halls of the State Capitol. He finishes up with this unbelievable statement:

\”I am extremely sensitive to these charges because they not only devastated me personally, both emotionally and financially, but also because they have obscured my work and the work of other Senate Democrats for children, senior citizens, the environments and working fam
ilies which achieved a Senior Prescription Drug program (senior care), lower class size for children in kindergarten through third grade (SAGE), healthcare for children, and increased investment in preserving sensitive land (stewardship) and even a do not call list to protect the privacy of children in their homes.\”

So Chvala really never stops campaigning, even when it sends him to prison. Fortunately, the next time he runs for anything, it will be for a \”safe seat.\”

I have a friend who has an unnatural infatuation with Mariah Carey. Trust me, I can\’t explain it.

A few years ago, he started to get excited about her career bottoming out. Her records weren\’t selling, her movie was a bomb, her marriage was breaking up, and she was taking crazy pills. She was heading in a direction that many washed up famous women opt to take… an appearance in Playboy. In fact, in 2002, Vegas had 2 to 1 odds of it happening. Stock prices for airbrush companies surged. The nation waited, patiently.

Then, unexpectedly, Carey\’s career began to pick up again, culminating in today\’s announcement that she leads the field in Grammy nominations for 2005. This is terrible news for my buddy, as a Grammy nomination sets any Playboy appearance back at least three years. In fact, he has a better chance of seeing Drew Carey naked in that time.

So enjoy being clothed, Mariah. It\’s just a matter of time. As for me, I\’m hoping this whole Christina Applegate resurgence is just a brief anomaly.

And yes, I am 12 years old.

The Wisconsin State Senate today for the second time passed a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between a man and woman. The amendment now goes to the Assembly, which is expected to approve it, then it goes to the public for a vote, most likely in November of 2006.

Reasonable people can disagree about whether gay marriage should be recognized or not, but a line of argument being used by the Democrats strikes me as particularly puzzling. On the one hand, they argue that marriage is already defined in state law as between a man and woman (actually, it is not – marriage is defined as being between a \”husband\” and \”wife\”), so the amendment is duplicative. In the same breath, they argue that the amendment is bigoted and mean-spirited.

So if the amendment reflects current law, why is it so mean spirited and bigoted to codify it in the state constitution? Is current law then mean spirited and bigoted? If so, why aren\’t they trying to repeal the current legal definition of marriage? Incidentally, I would love to call their bluff and bring that bill to a vote, just to see 90% of Democrats vote against it.

This line of argument is reflected beautifully in a statement made by Attorney General candidate Kathleen Falk, when she said:

\”This proposed amendment is unnecessary and divisive. Traditional marriage is already protected by Wisconsin statutes. This amendment attacks the many law-abiding Wisconsin citizens who seek to preserve or create legally valid protections for their long-term partners and, in many cases, for their children.\”

So an amendment that affirms current law is an \”attack\” on law abiding citizens? So is marriage between a man and a woman, or is it not? This from someone that wants to be the state\’s top attorney? (Incidentally, this column was written by John Nichols, who actually believes somehow that the referendum will fail when it comes to a full vote of Wisconsin citizens. Good luck with that one, John. Can you say \”65%?\”)

Of course, opponents are arguing that the section of the bill that prohibits legal recognition of \”substantially similar\” relationships will prohibit domestic partners from receiving benefits. As I understand it, this hasn\’t been the case in other states that have passed similar constitutional amendments. The amendment only deals with legal recognition – it doesn\’t say anything about how benefits are distributed, etc. Governments can give out benefits based on virtually any criteria they want, as long as taxpayers are willing to pay for it. The private insurance market won\’t be affected in any way. Arguments about denial of hospital visitation and other issues are complete red herrings, as those are addressed in hospital policy and private contracts.

I was also amused by State Senators Dave Hansen and Roger Breske switching their votes this session from \”yes\” in 2003 on the amendment to \”no\” in 2005. As you may know, Hansen and Breske are both from competitive districts with heavy Catholic populations which overwhelmingly favor the amendment. The difference between now and then? They were both up for election in 2004. Amazing how some elected officials treat the wishes of their constituents when they don\’t actually need their votes anymore, isn\’t it?

That all being said, I actually think the advocates of gay marriage do make some valid points. I believe Action Wisconsin is 100% right when they criticize divorced elected officials when they trot out the old \”sanctity of marriage\” line. I guess I\’m still too naive and simplistic when I believe that marriage should be preserved at nearly any cost.

And while I think \”gay marriage\” is an oxymoron, I don\’t feel particularly threatened by domestic partnerships. In a time when supposed \”legitimate\” relationships are producing unwanted children in broken homes with single parents, I don\’t know that going after other productive partnerships is really all that much of a priority.

The only problem is that the definition of \”marriage\” as it has been understood for all of humanity is now being twisted around by unelected judges with no constituency. The amendment as passed by the Legislature will give citizens of the state a chance to have a say in how they define marriage (although I\’m betting even a constitutional amendment will be found by a federal judge to be in violation of the U.S. Constitution\’s 14th Amendment Equal Protection Clause.)

One final note: The fact that some groups are claiming that the amendment will invalidate domestic violence laws between nonmarried individuals is proof that these days, you can say absolutely anything and someone will believe it.

And by the way, when you signed up for Planned Parenthood, did you think you were getting this?

UPDATE: I just caught some local news that pointed out that the amendment might prevent some heterosexual unmarried couples from sharing benefits (it will not). But if it did, so what? Should we be spending taxpayer dollars to pay for the benefits of some guy shacking up with a female UW employee? If an insurance company is paying for unwed straight couples to share benefits, either your premiums or your taxes are too high. Is this a ploy to make same sex domestic partner benefits seem more reasonable? If so, it worked.

Jessica McBride states that Condoleezza Rice and Joe Lieberman would be her \”dream ticket\” in 2008, saying that \”The Dems would have no idea what to do with that. \”

I couldn\’t disagree more. The only tough decision for Democrats with that ticket would be whether they should camp out at the polls overnight to vote against them as early as possible or not.

First, how did Lieberman do in the 2004 Democratic primaries? Here\’s a hint: He lost to Al Sharpton in South Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia, California, Georgia, Maryland, New York, Florida, Mississippi, Texas, and Illinois. Al Sharpton! I know he may not have campaigned in some of those states, but damn!

Secondly, I assume Jessica thinks Condoleezza would be a tough vote for Democrats because she\’s a black woman. This, of course, assumes that Democrats are actually sincere in their concern for the rights of African Americans and women. They, of course, are not, unless you are the right type of African American or woman (see: Clarence Thomas). I would actually bet that Condi\’s negatives are higher among blacks than they are whites, as she is likely to be seen as \”selling out\” her race to work for the Bush Administration.

And before we put Condi in the White House, don\’t we need to know just a little about her views on domestic policy? There are a number of websites attempting to compile her statements on issues and, quite frankly, she may comfortably fit the old \”RINO\” tag that bloggers love to throw around these days.

So I don\’t know who my \”dream ticket\” would be. But I do know that most of my \”dreams\” have nothing to do with politics and everything to do with Natalie Portman rubbing my feet while I eat a corned beef sandwich.

Side point: Why does the RINO (Republican in Name Only) tag in Wisconsin generally apply only to state and local officials? Is George Bush a RINO? Where\’s that federal TABOR limiting how much states can spend? Why is Bush dragging his feet? Is anyone in Congress that voted for the Medicare drug benefit a RINO? Can we have some clarification on what the standards are?

I was trying to think of ways to pay back the people who have helped me get this blog thing up and running, and I finally figured out a way. I\’ll sell their stuff.

Check out Amazon.com for books by Charlie Sykes and Bill Christofferson, and buy, buy, buy! I\’m sure they will make for great stocking stuffers, and they may not be all that bad to read, either. I\’ve read a couple of Charlie\’s, and Bill\’s seems to be getting a lot of Five Star reviews on Amazon.

In related news, I have heard that John McAdams has some leftover socks that he couldn\’t sell during his summer garage sale. A nickel per pair, first come, first serve.

Additionally, Brian Christianson from Free Will has his own line of women\’s underwear and scented love oils to hock. It looks like he\’s on the phone calling you, ladies…

And finally, if you are a fan of Wisconsin Politics, you absolutely must have a subscription to Wispolitics.com. Rumor has it that with every new subscription, Jeff Mayers will show up at your house with a canned ham and babysit your kids for the night.

So reward these folks for all the good work that they do, and for keeping you in the know.

The waiting game is over. It appears Hillary Clinton has received the much sought after endorsement of Biz Markie for her presidential run. \”The Diabolical Biz\” DJed at Hillary\’s presidential campaign fundraiser this Saturday night at a Chicago nightclub.

For those not in the know, The Biz is most famous for his smash hit \”Just a Friend,\” which revolutionized music 16 years ago. Since then, he is best known for his guest stints on several Beastie Boys albums.

The endorsement is likely to help Hillary pick up one key demographic: White guys who want black people to think they have been listening to rap for 20 years. I guess I can scratch The Biz off my list of fifth rate celebrities that may be Republican. Next up: Tina Yothers of \”Family Ties.\”

In response, Republican George Allen has announced that \”DJ Lower Marginal Tax Rate on Dividends,\” the fresh conservative rapper from South Central West Bend, will be headlining his next Wisconsin stop.

Hat Tip: Carlson

I watched the movie \”Monster\” with my wife on Saturday night. You know, it\’s the movie where Charlize Theron wears tons of makeup to get all uglied up to play the role of lesbian serial killing hooker Aileen Wuornos, gracious recipient of six death sentences in Florida.

The movie provides a conundrum so profound, I thought I\’d mention it here. During the movie, she runs around killing guys who solicit her for sex. At one point, there\’s a scene where she\’s standing, naked looking at herself in the mirror. At first, you think it\’s no big deal, because she\’s kind of gross. But then, the wheels start to turn slowly in your head, and you begin to realize…those are Charlize Theron\’s boobs!

The problem is, by the time you put two and two together and start to imagine what the real Charlize Theron would look like wearing those boobs, the scene is over, and, tragically, you\’ve completely missed out on Movie Nudity History. Therein lies the conflict – you could just let the scene go by and pretend nothing happened, or you could take a chance on going to the remote control for a replay. This is an extremely high risk option, as it could result in your wife jamming the remote up your left nostril, causing causing lasting brain damage.

See the problems men have to face? Don\’t let women say they have it rough – we have to make some brutal decisions.

On a more serious note, I would encourage everyone to rent the movie \”Murderball,\” which is one of the best movies I\’ve seen this year. Don\’t let the title fool you – if you aren\’t inspired by this movie, you have a heart of lead.

It\’s the story of the 2004 U.S. Paralympic Rugby team, and probably isn\’t for the kiddies. It pulls off the rare trick of on the one hand making you thankful for being able bodied, but it also shows what an exciting and fulfilling life quadraplegics can live for years and years. Throw in some patriotism and a great soundtrack, and you have a winning movie. I\’m serious – I can\’t recommend it more emphatically. If you don\’t see it, the only conclusion I can draw is that you hate the handicapped.

UPDATE: A reader reminds me that Charlize Theron is naked in \”The Devil\’s Advocate,\” a movie so bad I must have purged it from my memory.

Please, Baby Jesus, make it so.

Milwaukee – Emotions ran high today at a public hearing called by Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle to discuss alleged price gouging by the fast food industry. Doyle opened the hearing with a speech decrying A&W Restaurants’ latest quarterly report, which shows an 18% increase in profits, totaling $189 million. “A&W’s price gouging costs Wisconsin consumers $178 billion per day,” said Doyle, citing a study compiled by noted UW economist Don Nichols.

The Bear testified wearing his trademark orange sweater, hat, and no pants, and fired back at the committee (as a peace offering, Doyle also chose to wear no pants). “I’m not from Wisconsin, but I imagine they do teach basic economics in the public schools,” he said. “I could be out in the field figuring out a way to increase supply of root beer to keep the price down, but instead I’m stuck at this phony dog and pony show so the Governor can get a cheap press hit,” said the Bear. The Bear then asked if there were any actual dogs or ponies he could take with him, as they are important ingredients in A&W’s hamburgers.

“We’re an international company, so it’s a cruel joke on Wisconsin\’s consumers to make them think that somehow their situation is unique,” continued the Bear. “Instead of blaming the business that provides a necessary service, the Governor should be offering to make root bear cheaper by repealing the law that requires it be marked up to guarantee a certain profit. Or you could cut the state’s tax on root beer if you were sincerely interested in what you could do to help consumers. Furthermore, you could scale back excessive regulations that prohibit A&W restaurants from providing more root beer supply to consumers, which would cut the price dramatically, or you could provide incentives for the formulation of alternative sources of root beer,” said the Bear. “Any of these options would be a hundred times more effective than calling me in for this charade,” he added.

Department of Health and Family Services administrator Burnie Bridge aggressively questioned the Bear, pointing out that while it only costs A&W about five cents to produce a cup of root beer, they sell it to customers for over a dollar. “It is outrageous that A&W would continue to sell a product for the price that people are willing to pay for it,” said Bridge.

Bridge also produced photographs of the Bear and some high priced Washington lobbyists treating legislators to a night out at “The Bear Essentials,” a local gentlemen’s club. \”We\’re bears,\” answered the Bear. \”Sometimes we get tired of looking at the same tails,\” he added.

Following his testimony, the bear ate Secretary of Agriculture Rod Nilsestuen.

—————————————————-

I promise, no more fast-food related posts…

I have a couple of ideas that will allow me to retire within hours of obtaining a patent.

First, I\’d create toupees that simulate male pattern baldness. How many well meaning dudes are going to walk around with rugs that look like a rabid racoon fell out of a tree onto their head? At least be realistic – nobody\’s going to believe that grew on your head – why not thin it out and start the hairline back a little bit? It\’s better than the dreaded combover (which I am convinced is the reason Al Qaeda hates us).

My second idea is a real winner. Know how when you eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you can\’t wait for the cinnamony milk at the end of the bowl? Why not eliminate the \”Crunch\” portion of the equation and just sell the cinnamony milk? I\’d buy it by the gallons! Who wouldn\’t buy Peanut Butter Cap\’n Crunch leftover milk?

I\’ve seen some commercials on TV that have offered to patent my inventions for me, so send them some money, quick, if you too want to be as wealthy as Tom Vu.

 With the blogosphere breathless about Scott Walker’s “plan” to eliminate automatic increases in the gas tax, I thought I would add a little of my own perspective (it appears Owen may have passed out at his keyboard absorbing the “genius” of the plan). In order to make it more readable, I will add Mcbridean bold face to key terms.

I also heard a rumor that Larry King would return to writing his column for USA Today. I grew up reading his column, and revered it. So I will also write this post as if it were Larry King’s unintentionally funny USA Today column, with barely relevant, semi-lucid non-sequiturs and random thoughts.

* As everyone in the blogosphere has heard, candidate for Governor Scott Walker announced a plan that would eliminate indexing of the gas tax, earmark funds from vehicle related sales for the transportation fund, and protect the transportation fund from future raids. Apparently some bloggers are upset that local news didn’t break into “According to Jim” to report this groundbreaking news. Actually, this “plan” is the exact plan that State Senator Tom Reynolds introduced in the form of Senate Bills 330 and 331 back in September. Walker may have heard that Reynolds’ plan was gaining traction and decided to get out in front of it to take credit if it happens, but it is by no means his original plan. In fact, both Walker and his primary opponent, Congressman Mark Green, are likely to have taken interesting votes on this issue during their tenure in the Legislature (Xoff is reporting that Walker voted against what he is proposing now, but I need citations to figure out what the exact vote was).

*When midgets and dwarves get married, is it considered a “mixed marriage?”

*Proponents of the plan argue that there shouldn’t be any tax that goes up automatically every year. Fair enough. But in raw dollars, every tax automatically goes up every year, because most other taxes are figured on a percentage basis. For instance, the state always collects more from the sales tax because inflation pushes the price of goods and services upward, and five percent of that cost goes to the state. In most years state incomes increase but the tax rate remains the same, meaning the state collects more in income taxes without “raising” taxes at all.
The gas tax is different, in that it is a flat 31 cent fee on every gallon of gas, and is not figured as a percentage. There is a legitimate reason for assessing this tax differently. Since gas taxes are dedicated to a single purpose (road construction), it would cause havoc with the state transportation fund given the mercurial price of gas. If gas were taxed on a percentage basis, there would be no way to project how much would be in the fund for road construction in any given year. While prices of other goods and services fluctuate, the tax collected on them gets dumped into the enormous general fund and pays for an array of government programs, so it tends to even out. Assessing the gas tax as a flat fee allows state government some certainty in what projects they go ahead with.

Following the logic of the gas tax indexing opponents, you could say the gas tax actually goes down when gas prices hit $3.00 per gallon, since the percentage tax per gallon actually shrinks with the higher cost of gas and stagnant tax. So you see, the indexing of gas taxes is merely meant to reflect what happens to every other sales tax in the state, just assessed differently. (For information about the state sales tax, check this document out – you can see on page 14 that sales tax collections have grown from about $2.4 billion a decade ago to $3.9 billion in 2003-04, without a change in the rate.)

*For NBA purposes, do Europeans count as white people? If they do, do I have to start rooting for Dirk Nowitzki?

*Obviously, eliminating the automatic increase in the gas tax is the sexiest and most important part of the plan. The other parts are merely talking points and are essentially meaningless. “Protecting the transportation fund” from raids sounds good, but it’s impossible without a constitutional amendment. Sure, the Legislature could pass a law prohibiting fund transfers out of the transportation fund, but absent a change to the state’s constitution, the next Governor could just introduce a future budget that repeals this “protection” and not take much of a political hit for it.

*Can the name Robin Williams be used in a sentence without the word “genius” in it? Like in the brilliant Patch Adams, when he puts on the fake nose to make the little kids with cancer laugh? What a great message – it says laughter is the best medicine, unless you happen to be dying of cancer.

*Earmarking sales taxes from a specific source is worthless given the point made above, plus the fact that it just steals money from the general fund, causing a deficit there that would likely be filled from another one-time source. In the end, there wouldn’t be much change to the status quo. And fine, go ahead and lobby the EPA to do away with reformulated gas requirement until you’re blue in the face. That strategy seems to have worked pretty well so far, hasn’t it?

*Ranch dressing! The utility infielder of condiments!

*Just because I raise these concerns, don’t think that I’m not in favor of this plan. I am. I think road projects for the most part are bloated, and are a prime source of government waste. Any government should have to work within the parameters of what the people can afford, and Wisconsin’s gas tax is excessive.

But if the Legislature were to go ahead with this plan, they need to fund it. The State’s road plan scheduled projects between 10 and 15 years ahead of time, and the transportation fund is already facing a shortfall for the projects they have already approved. Merely passing the Walker/Reynolds plan without making cuts to road projects is a little short of honest, as it would create a transportation fund hole.

*Pancakes! Are they the new waffles?

*Conservatism, as I understand it, means lower taxes and smaller government. The plan addresses the lower taxes part, but takes a pass on the smaller government aspect. Less money means scaling back the road building plan. Where is that going to happen? If the Legislature passes a bill that doesn’t make the cuts to fund the loss in revenue just to get a cheap political vote and get a lap dance from conservat
ive bloggers, it better be ready to increase the tax in the future or increase vehicle registration fees, which is the other way roads are funded.

*If I were arguing in favor of gas tax indexing (which I am not), I would point out that if there ever was something that could be considered “Republican spending,” it would be road building. New and improved roads generate economic development – think the state could get by without renovating the Marquette Interchange in Milwaukee? Is there any question that businesses would help revitalize the north side of Milwaukee if there were a northern highway similar to I-894 to the south? Instead, all the north side malls are rotting and businesses are fleeing en masse. There’s a reason this plan is usually proposed by Democrats – it would substantially curtail road building, which placates the environmental left wing.

*We can clone dogs but we can’t make a pair of adult diapers that don’t make me look like I dropped a couple egg rolls in my shorts?

*One final note: It’s fine to believe legislators are in the pocket of this special interest group or that. Cynicism is healthy. But it’s a charge that is often thrown around without any facts, and is a cheap political trick generally used by liberals. It would be a shame to see conservatives resort to this type of trashing without evidence against fellow conservatives. If you have names, dates, and contributions that you can tie to specific legislation or legislative action, by all means make that connection known. Disclosure laws already exist that shed the light on most contributions, which is in stark contrast to the old days when state contracts could have been sold to the highest bidder and nobody would ever know. But generally decrying the influence of money in government only leads to more heavy handed regulation of political speech, and we’ve seen how convoluted that can be.

I\’m shuttin\’ the ol\’ blog down for a few days while I try to break the world caloric intake record over the weekend. Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and gets to spend time with their family (although often those two goals are mutually exclusive). If you can, be sure to help a food pantry out to make the holidays a little better for someone else. I mean, who are you kidding – that can of green beans has been sitting in your cabinet for a year!

As for me, I\’m thankful for all of you that have come to my little dopey blog to check out my posts. I\’m also thankful for all the support I\’ve gotten from my new pals in the blogosphere – a lot of them are on my blogroll over there —–>, and a few you will have to find yourself. Most importantly, I am thankful that I am not Corey Feldman.

If you happen to be the poor sucker that my single, chain-smoking aunt drags to this year\’s feast, I apologize ahead of time for the rest of my family.

Happy Thanksgiving!