Well, it appears that some media outlets may be exhausting their resources to find out who Dennis York is. I\’m kind of wishing my blog was truly terrible – probably the first time I wished I was Brian Christianson (although I don\’t have any insightful Bert Blyleven stories for you).

It\’s really too bad, because you would all really be bored with the revelation. Like Deep Throat (which I promise I didn\’t star in), you\’d say \”who? All this for that?\” So you will have gained my identity, but lost my blog.

As I said in some of my back and forth with Xoff, I really just started this blog to make myself and my friends laugh. A few jokes, here and there, sprinkled with some smart ass sarcasm. And if I made a political point here and there, it was just a bonus. I probably got carried away and said some things and took some shots at people that I shouldn\’t have (Phil Brinkman and Tom Sheehan are good reporters), but it was all in the name of fun. Instead of writing good columns like David Brooks, I started writing columns about turds and Mayor McCheese. Trust me, you should have seen all the posts I started to write and gave up on or I wouldn\’t post.

And suddenly, people started to read it. People started linking to it. And it freaked me out, so I retired for a while. I had the itch, though, so I started back up, and the readers came back with me. I was using a crappy hit counter at the time, that didn\’t register all the hits I was getting. When I switched to a new hit counter, it said I was actually getting three times the hits I thought I was, which scared me to death.

I have to say, it is bizarre to have people write and talk about you, even though they\’re really kind of talking about someone else (although I have been accused of being a racist and a homophobe, as well). Sometimes I would get to work and check the blog, and actually be disappointed that there wasn\’t a new post, before I realized it was me. After the State Journal article came out on Sunday, I asked my wife if she was going to brag to her friends that she gets to smooch Dennis York on occasion, which led to her rolling her eyes.

So I guess I have a decision to make. Dennis York to me is now kind of like a sidekick, or an old friend. I actually feel like I would miss him. Plus, it would almost certainly mean the end of the A&W Root Beer Bear\’s run for the governorship as a Republican (although I hear campaign ads are hard to buy with fish and berries). I never thought for a second someone wouldn\’t figure it out at some point, it just kind of sucks that it\’s getting to be about that time. I have to decide if I want to go quietly, or go out like Tony Montana with machine gun blazing.

Since I\’m bummed out, I\’ll just post the picture and headline I had planned for the post I was going to do tonight. Just whatever text I had written at the time, you can probably figure out what I was going to write, anyway. Probably something about Doyle naming Aquaman head of the DNR\’s water quality division or something.

If Xoff gets any more passionate about Russ Feingold, he might go to prison under the Legislature\’s constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. We may have a real story if they happened to spend any time together herding sheep in Wyoming. Today he writes this love letter to Feingold because Russ was brave enough to utter the word \”impeachment\” with regard to President Bush.

Besides showing that drug use is alive and well among the left wing, let\’s assume Feingold gets his way and Bush is impeached. That would leave us with this:

Suck on it, Democrats!

\”I wish I could quit you, Russ…\”

-Xoff

Madison – A promising new research practice at the UW reportedly allows researchers to terminate elderly citizens in order to harvest their valuable coupons. \”This is a real breakthrough,\” said lead researcher Hank Willingham. \”Not only are seniors in abundant supply, but it got me half off on a pair of loafers at Payless Shoe Source,\” said Willingham.

Governor Jim Doyle, a staunch supporter of the practice, accentuated the positive economic effects this groundbreaking scientific research could have to the state. \”Harvesting these valuable coupons will stimulate purchasing in the state, as the coupons will be used by more active individuals,\” said Doyle, citing \”Double Coupon\” Tuesdays at Pick n\’ Save as proof his plan is working. In fact, Doyle has promised to build a research lab valued at $675 million to conduct this type of research. The building originally cost $750 million, bout Doyle used a 10% off any new construction coupon he recovered from one of the specimens.

\”What the research does is take a lifeless cluster of cells that happens to be 80 years old and living at home alone, and terminates it, which yields limitless cost savings,\” said Jamie Thomson, nationally renowned researcher and host of syndicated show \”Dance Fever: The Next Generation.\” \”No longer do these coupons have to sit in a cigar box above the stove – they can be used to cure people of having to pay too much for a can of tuna,\” said Thomson. \”By the time they reach a certain age, their quality of life can\’t be great anyway, which renders their lives meaningless,\” said Thomson, finishing a Philly Cheese Steak Hot Pocket he purchased for 25 cents off.

Researchers are dazzled by this new procedure, as there are a nearly limitless supply of senior citizen cell clusters to be used. Researchers usually scout out subjects for the research at area fish fries at 4:00 on Friday afternoons. \”Yeah, I see them in here every Friday,\” said Joan Scheible, owner of the Stamm House in Middleton. \”The guys in the white lab coats come and snatch up an old lady every week, but not before enjoying the best fish fry in the Greater Madison area,\” added Scheible.

The University of Wisconsin is also seen as a leading center for little known research known as \”stem cell research,\” which purports to treat diseases such as Alzheimer\’s, Parkinson\’s and coprophilia, as well as making low fat ice cream tastier and fixing the Packers\’ problems at right offensive guard. Stem cell research has no downside except for the fact that a human must be cloned and then killed to harvest the cells, but Thomson aid that no serious person appears to have any problem with that minor procedure.

The coupon research, however, has been criticized by some right wing nutjobs who obviously want people to suffer by paying twenty to thirty cents more for Jolly Green Giant frozen peas. \”This research is obviously ethical, because the UW says it is – and who knows ethics better than the smart people at the UW?\” said recently appointed UW Vice President of Ethics, Paul Barrows. \”Who is in a better position to determine what procedure is ethical than the very organization that will benefit the most from its practice?\” said Barrows.

Rising conservative star A&W Root Beer Bear disagreed. \”A life is a life, no matter what stage it is in,\” said the Bear. \”Look, nobody opposes the research or the benefits that come with it. But you can\’t rationalize the termination of human life based on what future long term benefit you may realize. It doesn\’t matter what the quality of life that human life may have had, or whether that person has been born or not. All we\’re asking is to slow down so people fully understand the moral and ethical issues we\’re dealing with, because once it happens, it\’s gone forever,\” said the Bear.

At some point, something has happened to you in your life where you knew it was coming, yet could do nothing about it. Being made to see “Brokeback Mountain” for me was one of these times.

Think about Hurricane Katrina – the people on the gulf coast had days worth of notice. They knew a Category 5 hurricane was about to hit the gulf, yet there wasn’t anything they could do so save their homes and valuables.

As soon as I saw the trailer for “Brokeback Mountain” with my wife, I knew the clock had begun ticking. As much as I ducked and dodged, I was certain I would be made to see this movie. Resistance was useless.

Why was I reluctant to see the movie? I think this quote by Larry David sums it up best:

\”If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I\’m with at the time?\”

So we went to see it in Madison today. Needless to say, a movie about gay cowboys couldn’t have had a more receptive audience. It would be like seeing “Passion of the Christ” in Vatican City.

My wife and I saw “Capote” last week, so I figure I might go through the whole year without seeing a movie with a straight leading character. In fact, I plan on watching War of the Worlds one of these days, and I’m pretty sure any movie with Tom Cruise doesn’t break the streak. Plus, I’m praying for “Boat Trip II.”

After one of my friends ridiculed me for going to see the movie by delicately referring to it as “Fudgepack Mountain,” we got to the theater for the 1:30 show at Westgate theater. It seemed strange to me that in Madison this movie would only be playing in one theater, given the demand to see it here. When we arrived, the line there already wrapped around to the Milio’s sandwich shop, which is a good 100 feet long. I made a crack that by the time we got to the front of the line, it will be playing in the dollar theaters. A guy in line behind us referred to the movie as “Boneback Mountain,” which I think was inadvertent, but funny nevertheless.

When we made our way up to the counter, we were informed that the 1:30 show was sold out, and that we would have to buy tickets for the 3:45 show. They told us to show up at 3:00, as we would have to wait in line to get a seat. So the wife and I went to lunch and ran a few errands before we showed up at 3:00 to an equally long line. As it turns out, each show for the rest of the day was sold out, as well. (The attached photo was taken with my cell phone camera at about 3:15, and we were about half way to the front).

As soon as I walked into the theater, I bumped into a guy wearing a pin with a picture of George W. Bush with a circle and line through his face. I was unaware the Bush Administration had taken a stand on gay cowboys, but I now know this is an important demographic you do not want to cross.

So how was the Madison crowd? Well, if I didn\’t know I was at a movie, I would have throught I was at a Pier One employee convention. I was actually a little scared that I would be outed as heterosexual – and if they knew I was a Republican, you would have read in the paper about a man being beaten in a theater by a gang wielding expensive shoes as weapons. So for my safety, I suggested my wife go sit on the other side of the theater. (It\’s like when I went to see \”Supersize Me,\” I refused to carry the big bucket of unhealthy popcorn I had just eaten out of the theater, for fear some healthy person would sneer at me.)

So how was the movie? Pretty darn good.

It raised some interesting questions, and didn’t bludgeon you over the head with the answers. I kept trying to think of what I would have thought about the movie if I were gay, and I came to the conclusion that I may have found the movie a bit disappointing. The movie features two male characters who, instead of giving in to their love for one another, continue to lead lives in straight married relationships over the course of 20 years. Each has children. Is the lesson that it’s better to subvert your own personal desires for the purpose of maintaining what’s best for your children, or were they merely keeping their relationship secret because of the dangerous consequences of it becoming known? Wouldn’t the real gay empowerment message be for them to live the lives that they want regardless of the consequences?

Does the movie argue that having a gay relationship outside of your heterosexual marriage doesn’t count as cheating on your spouse, or does it adequately portray the damage that it can do? Is Heath Ledger’s character actually gay, or does he just have undeniable feelings for one dude because of how dynamic that one guy happens to be? Will gay people believe it sends the wrong message by assuming homosexuals can keep their desires and behaviors in check, or does it adequately portray how painful it is to hold it in? Am I now gay for seeing it?

So in the end, I would recommend this movie for anyone. It is a bit long, but the cinematography is brilliant. And if you don’t like it, you are most likely a homo.

UPDATE: Here\’s how an Associated Press story describes Brokeback Mountain:

\”The film, starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, is about two cowboys who discover feelings for one another. The two eventually marry women but rekindle their relationship over the years.\”

For the record, I discover feelings (mostly negative) I have about other men on a daily basis. Rarely do these feelings lead me to clutching another naked man in a tent.

There\’s really no delicate way to describe the court decision issued today by the District II Court of appeals, but I\’ll try.

In State vs. Steven A. Harvey the defendant argued that he hadn\’t committed sexual assault because he hadn\’t, um… \”stimulated\” the victim. In other words, he claims no sexual act had taken place because the victim (his stepsister – ick!) wasn\’t, um… \”satisfied.\” You can read the actual text of the case, but I\’m warning you – the details would even gross out the Minnesota Vikings. The case sounds like the hot tub at Paul Barrows\’ house.

The court obviously disagreed saying that a crime had been committed, even without the woman being \”satisfied.\” This sets a dangerous precedent.

If you can now go to jail for failing to please a woman, we better build more prisons. The incarcerated population of Wisconsin will triple. If being unable to satisfy a woman is made a crime, I might as well go buy my own orange jumpsuit now, when there\’s less demand. In fact, given my history as a repeat offender, I might end up on death row. Starting tonight, I\’m going to start practicing eating 50 eggs.

Fellow amateur comedians feel free to pile on – the jokes just write themselves.

I\’m not the world\’s biggest TABOR fan, for reasons I\’ll discuss in subsequent posts, but I did stumble on a bill that is a likely candidate for \”worst piece of legislation\” for this session.

Assembly Joint Resolution 71 is a constitutional amendment introduced by State Representative Terry Musser at the behest of Wisconsin Property Taxpayers, Inc. Here\’s the plain language summary of the bill, which starts out innocently enough:

This proposed constitutional amendment, proposed to the 2005 legislature on first consideration, requires that, in any fiscal year, each city, village, town, county, school district, and technical college district (local governmental unit) spend no more in fees and property taxes than it spent in the previous year, increased by the percentage increase in the consumer price index, plus the percentage increase in property values resulting from new construction within the jurisdiction or taxing authority of the local governmental unit.

Okay, fair enough. Sounds an awful lot like some of the TABOR proposals floating around out there. But put down that McGriddle – there\’s more:

The amendment also requires that the state spend no less on school aid and shared revenue in any fiscal year than it spent in the previous fiscal year, increased by the percentage increase in the consumer price index, plus the percentage increase in property values resulting from new construction in the state.

You may want to read that again to let it sink in. Assuming CPI and property values go up about 3% each per year, the amendment would constitutionally guarantee a state spending increase of at least 6%, and possibly much more. Even if the state wanted to, it could not increase aids to local governments by less than approximately 6%. Musser is attempting to automatically increase spending on local governments by that amount via the state constitution. This when shared revenue is hardly ever increased (it has even been decreased in the past couple of budgets) and school districts have shown that they can get by on fairly modest increases (with the caveat that much of that revenue can be made up with higher property taxes.)

AJR 71 completely removes the option of spending fewer state dollars on local governments. Additionally, it sends the state in the exact opposite direction we need to go, which is to spend fewer dollars on local government and allow local governments more options to raise their own revenue – a tax-neutral philosophy that would provide more accountability that I discussed here.

This amendment has about as much chance of passing as my constitutional amendment proposing the Outback \”Bloomin\’ Onion\” be made the official State Appetizer.

SIDE NOTE: Have you see the Outback Steakhouses\’ new slogan? \”No Rules, Just Right.\”

While I appreciate this renegade brand of vigilante food service, there are just a few \”rules\” I would like them to abide by. They are known as the City of Madison Health Code, and it sounds like I may have to send them a copy.

Also, enough with the goofy food names – my wife can\’t bear to order the chicken sandwich, because she has to say \”Sweet Chook o\’ Mine\” out loud. So I just make her sit in the car while I eat my Walhalla Pasta.

Some of you might remember Democratic State Representative Terese Berceau from one of my previous posts, where I pointed out that she received a \”clean environment\” award from the Sierra Club, while at the same time owning between $5,000 and $50,000 in stock in Exxon Mobil. Of course, the Sierra Club was part of a group called \”Exxpose Exxon,\” who called Exxon\”deceptive\” and \”irresponsible,\” and said Exxon \”intentionally put its own profits above a clean environment and the health of America’s families.\”

Undeterred, Berceau is back better than ever today with her press release ripping Wal-Mart for attempting to sell goods at a low cost. She blames Wal-Mart for playing hardball with Rubbermaid, which lost a contract with Wal-Mart because they couldn\’t provide their goods for a low enough cost. In her release, she says:

\”Wal-Mart’s obsession for ever lower cost, came at a dear cost to Madison jobs,\” she added. \”Wal-Mart has grown from an economic player into an economic plague. Sure, you can buy some cheaper plastic item at Wal-Mart, but the lower cost results in lower wages and fewer benefits for their employees, and the loss of Main Street businesses and American jobs, as larger competitors and suppliers are forced to ship jobs overseas in order to compete. As a community, we end up paying for Wal-Mart’s low cost in other costly ways.

\”Government and business leaders need to get serious about dealing with the harmful effects on our economy, our communities, and our citizens as a result of Wal-Mart’s corporate bullying and monopolistic muscle,\” said Berceau. \”It’s time to quit blaming government regulation, taxes, unions and worker demands for the loss of local jobs. Here, we can place the blame where it truly lies – Wal-Mart.\”

Wow, that sounds pretty serious. I bet with all that venom against Wal-Mart, Terese Berceau wouldn\’t want anything to do with contributing to Wal-Mart\’s evil practices of providing low prices and forcing jobs overseas. Well, it appears I would be wrong.

According to her \”Statement of Economic Interest\” report filed with the State Ethics Board, Berceau owns between $5,000 and $50,000 each in both the Fidelity Contrafund and the T. Rowe Price International Growth and Income Fund. According to the prospectuses for each of these funds, they together own nearly $25 million in Wal Mart de Mexico Series V stock. This is stock that Berceau is personally profiting from – and to make it worse, it is ownership in Wal-Mart\’s Mexico operations! You think Wal-Mart pays its employees poorly here? Go down to Mexico – they probably pay their employees with tree bark.

What\’s even more disturbing is Berceau\’s apparent shock that businesses actually engage in the free market. This from someone that, according to her ethics statement, owns between $115,000 and $1.15 million in stocks, bonds, and mutual funds, and who apparently doesn\’t know how commerce works. Either she\’s from another planet, or she\’s just being disingenuous for a cheap press hit. Just about every business she invests in engages in the same type of tough price negotiation that Wal-Mart does in order to keep their prices down and their products moving.

Look, nobody likes businesses and their employees suffering. But businesses either closing or reorganizing is a vital part of our free market. The market values efficiency and low cost, and those businesses that can\’t provide it need to adapt. If we kept inefficient businesses running, all the lefties would cry that we\’re giving them \”corporate welfare\” to stay afloat. Yet they advocate more and more regulation of businesses that increase their fixed costs, and whine when those regulations push employers overseas to save money.

And they never look at it from the perspective of the consumer – it ain\’t people from Shorewood Hills shopping at Wal-Mart. It\’s people that need the costs savings on diapers and toilet paper to scrape by. She should try going to a Wal-Mart one of these days – it\’s not exactly the Nakoma Country Club crowd shopping in there. In fact, since she\’s a part owner, she should be treated like royalty.

I\’ve written about State Democrats\’ Wal-Mart hypocrisy before, and this is just one more example to throw on the pile.

So don\’t thank Wal-Mart for those job losses, Terese Berceau. Thank YOU.

A Column of Personal Opinion by Dennis York

Tensions reached a fever pitch last night as I dueled to the death with my own bowels. Helicopters flew above my house, protesters marched with signs emploring me to “Free the Poop.” Emergency medical personnel were standing by with the jaws of life to extract my nemesis, or to treat me in the event the artery in my forehead burst. Lawyers were on hand to finalize my will, and local clergy were preparing my last rites.

Upon completion of the three hour negotiation process, I finally released my small, brown hostage, who exited sideways. But where were the local “mainstream” media to cover my monument to rectal accomplishment? Nowhere, that’s where. They would rather cover “real” news like shootings, corruption, and the Iraq war than cover my Herculean feat of excrementary gymnastics.

I mean, the Iraq war? Aren’t we sick of hearing about that already? Bill  O’Reilly said we won that thing a while ago, didn’t he? Isn’t war coverage just an attempt by the liberal media to make the most popular President ever look bad?

So why are the media refusing to cover my turd? They are obviously biased against me. That’s right – I’m the one person in the state willing to stand up to the corrupt media machine in this state. Obviously, nobody else has the stones to write an anonymous blog with no accountability to demand that same accountability of the media. They are completely out of touch with what the people want – I actually just read a poll that said 67% of people in Wisconsin defacate. Who is reporting on their needs? Do I need to use more italics for you to get the point?

To demand answers, I e-mailed Milwaukee Journal Sentinel managing editor George Stanley to complain about his complete lack of symapthy and interest in this major story. Here is his response:

Dear Mr. York:

Thank you for your thoughtful e-mail about your “killer dookie.” We here at the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel take all requests for story coverage seriously. Although we were tipped off by a source deep within your large intestine of the impending danger about to befall you and the Madison sewerage system, our in-house reporter normally assigned to cover feculence was himself tied up in a rectal grudge match here in the office restroom.

I offer my sincerest apologies for failing to cover the birth of your “Cleveland Steamer.” It is clear that your courageous experience would likely serve as an inspiration for others who likewise ingest a noxious amount of huevos rancheros.

XOXOXO,

George

By refusing to cover this explosive topic, some reporter is forgoing the chance to win the esteemed Poo-litzer Prize.

Normally, there’s not a lot to say about New Year’s Eve, as the last time my wife and I left the house for New Year’s was for Y2K. In fact, I doubt that my wife has made it past 10 PM in any year since then. Our routine now consists of her going to bed early, and me sitting quietly by myself with a beer until midnight, when I take a sip and fall asleep at 12:01 AM.

I also never really watched any of the New Year’s Eve shows until this year. Normally, there isn’t anything especially exciting about watching people in the Eastern Time Zone celebrate an hour ahead of us. But when I turned them on last night, I was treated to some of the most unintentionally funny, horrific entertainment I had seen in ages. In fact, it was instantly so bad, I had to run and grab my notepad to document the collage of distaste I was witnessing.

The night began at 10:00 with ESPN unveiling their new New Year’s extravaganza, with Stuart Scott hosting. Boo Ya! As his co-host, they exhumed former East Street band member Steven van Zandt, who likely has been encased in formaldehyde for 20 years. I mean, honestly – if you had a list of 50,000 “celebrities” that you thought you might see hosting a New Year’s show in 2006, would Steven van Zandt been anywhere close? Did they pay him in Lucky Strikes?

I sat with my mouth agape as ESPN began their grand opening with The Troggs playing “Wild Thing.” Let me repeat that. The Troggs. Playing “Wild Thing.” This booking made the decision to have Elton John play Harley Fest look like pure entertainment genius. Who exactly was this supposed to appeal to? Didn’t the target audience for this performance fall asleep three hours ago after some warm milk and kissing their cats goodnight? If they were really going for that age demographic, aren\’t there classic acts pretty much on call waiting for a chance to play? You\’re telling me Smokey Robinson can\’t be pulled away from his nightly game of Mah Jongg to do a New Year\’s gig?

At one point, host Stuart Scott rambled on about what a crazy year 2005 was, then rattled off about 15 events that take place every year. “CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THE SUPER BOWL! THE WORLD SERIES! THE NBA FINALS! TIGER WOODS!” Yes, a crazy year indeed, Stuart. Actually, it would have been a crazy year if any of those events didn’t take place. If the Super Bowl didn’t happen, it would have likely been because of a terrorist attack, which I’m guessing might have made the news.

When the clock started ticking down, Scott offered us a heavy bit of advice to remember during the new year. Did he urge us to fight hunger in our communities? Did he urge us to help combat AIDS in Africa? Well, no. He told us that we shouldn’t boo at sporting events, because the athletes are working hard, doing the best they can. So when Randy Moss comes to Lambeau again, remember Packer fans – he’s just trying as hard as he can. And those guys out there spreading asphalt to feed their families when it’s 96 degrees outside in the summer? Lazy. Go ahead and heckle them.

The ABC New Year’s show began at 10:30, but I really didn’t catch much of it until the countdown began. This show is known worldwide as the show Dick Clark hosts, but due to his stroke in 2004, he made only a spot appearance. It was a little jarring to see the silver-tongued Clark struggle with his words, speaking slowly and slurring. I sincerely hope he does better.

Even more jarring, however, was the appearance of Mariah Carey, who had apparently just eaten a free-roaming bison. She was ENORMOUS! And she tried the usual heavy girl trick of styling your hair really big, hoping it would make the rest of her look small. At least Carey had the decency to do what any self-respecting fat star would do, and that is to show as much cleavage as possible. I mean, she left nothing to the imagination – it looked like she was trying to smuggle two kegs out of the after party.

Later in the evening, Carey picked host Ryan Seacrest up by the neck and climbed to the top of the Empire State Building, where she was gunned down, killing 10,000 onlookers. Seriously, can’t ABC cap off the 2007 special with Mariah Carey eating a live quail? Who wouldn’t watch that?

SIDE NOTE: What are the rules of decency on broadcast television that allow someone like Carey to show her entire breast but not the areola? How is it that every portion of the breast region is considered to be decent except the part where it starts to change color a little bit, where suddenly it becomes a magical, enchanted area not to be seen by human eyes? (Kind of like a \”mammary Narnia.\”) I plan on protesting this, and I urge all my readers to send me detailed photographic samples of any rare female breast photos that may be available on the internet. I can\’t seem to find any.

The rest of ABC’s festivities were hosted by Hillary Duff, who apparently was anxious to show off her new case of bulimia. Her ability to stare straight ahead and dryly read a teleprompter is unparalleled. Duff introduced some group called “The Pussycat Dolls,” by ironically boasting that they stand for “strong female independence.” Upon watching the performance by the Pussycat Dolls, I can state without reservation that they single-handedly set feminism back thirty years. It appeared that there are six Pussycat Dolls – one to sing, and five to show off what a great waxing job they got. It’s entirely possible that their “performance” gave me an STD – I started scratching afterwards. The “head pussycat” could have shown a home video of her last pap smear exam and it wouldn’t have been as vulgar. The whole performance looked like a four minute long ad for emergency contraception.

As long as I’m on this subject, let’s just stop kidding ourselves. We are no longer a society that values quality music. The FOX New Year’s show counted down the 20 top songs of 2005, and I hadn’t heard of a single one. But the one common thread between each and every video was that the star of each video appeared to be a woman’s oily abdomen. Did bellybuttons somehow unionize and demand they had to be featured in EVERY video? So we need to stop pretending that we as a nation value decent music. We determine what records we buy based on what filthy woman can do the most sit-ups.

Later in ABC’s show, we were all treated to a reunion performance by the Bangles that was highly anticipated by approximately no one. Purported to be their first live performance since 1988, the Bangles defecated on Simon and Garfunkel’s “Hazy Shade of Winter,” which they remade in 1987. I do have to say, though – Susanna Hoffs was stunningly beautiful – even more so than I remember when she was actually marginally popular. The bass player appeared as if she had eaten Mariah Carey. Calling the 1980’s the “salad days” for the Bangles is appropriate, as it appears that is the last time many band members had touched one.

I almost fell off my couch with laughter as ABC presented another little anticipated reunion, this one by the band 311, playing their song “All Mixed Up.” When they started playing, I started looking around for the beer bong and ramen noodl
e packets, as I thought it was 1993 and I was in college again. I fully expected ABC to break into the telecast with footage of Al Cowlings’ white Bronco on the L.A. highway. Even more amazingly, they’ve had 12 years to practice that song, and it still sucked.

At 11:30, FOX and NBC went on the air with their versions of New Year’s shows. This solved a problem I’ve long had with these types of shows. Usually, they go on here in Wisconsin at 10:30, show the east coast celebration at 11:00, and wind down by 11:30. This leaves the 70% of the country that doesn’t live in the eastern time zone in a kind of Twilight Zone. But this year, the local stations delayed two of the shows to coincide with the central time zone hitting midnight, which was a good move.

The FOX show began, unfortunately, with Regis Philbin singing “New York, New York,” and went downhill from there. Shortly thereafter, Philbin introduced his co-host, the gravel throated Jillian Barberie, whose talent is apparent only to Jillian Barberie. There just aren’t words to describe how bad she is – she sounded as if she had spent the entire day on the couch choking down a carton of heaters. She was relegated to interviewing people on the street, every one of which dealt with three topics:

1. How cold it is.
2. How exciting it is to be in Times Square!
3. Woo!

Later in the FOX telecast, Philbin was joined by the ubiquitous Peterman, who has been on every television show that has aired in the past three years. I mean, seriously – whoever this guy’s agent is has to be the most powerful man in Hollywood. Either that or he has naked pictures of the spouses of every studio executive in the business. Of the whole Seinfeld cast, who would be the least likely you’d ever think you’d see on a New Year’s Eve telecast? Next year can we expect Regis to spend 10 minutes of national airtime with the guy that played \”Boner\” on Growing Pains?

NBC’s telecast was a little odd in that its tone was very somber and reserved, which I almost appreciated. Things got immeasurably better when peanut-headed host Carson Daly introduced the fabulous Melissa Stark as his co-host. If the FCC is truly in charge of enforcing decency on television, they should mandate that Melissa Stark be required to appear four times a week, regardless of network.

After a piece remembering Johnny Carson hosting the NBC New Years’ show in 1965, Daly reminded us all that back then, the federal deficit was only $300 million, whereas now it is $8 billion. In keeping with the spirit, Daly also should have reminded us that in the upcoming year, it is more likely that our grandparents will die and leave us nothing, and that our parents probably were never married.

Joining Daly for the festivities was America’s most overrated comedian, Wanda Sykes, whose “I’m sassy and I’m black so I’m going to say whatever I want” act wore thin about six years ago. Sykes comments on the number of police officers in Times Square, then hypothesizes that there are likely stabbings and looting going on in the rest of New York. When midnight finally came, Daly said “now, there’s finally hope – 2006 will be a rebirth, a baptism, a renewal,” apparently not realizing that every year Carson Daly has a T.V. show is the best year of his life. An uplifting telecast all around.

12:06. Bedtime.

Happy New Year America! Don\’t get any fatter this year! BOO YA!

It being a slow news week, I thought I\’d share some of the more interesting parts of a book I\’m reading now. Here are a couple excerpts from Carl Sandburg\’s biography of Lincoln, The Prairie Years. This should be interesting reading for anyone that thinks that the good old days were days of clean and honest politics, and some of the parallels to today are stunning.

Here\’s how Springfield ended up becoming the Illinois State Capital:

Lincoln led the \”Long Nine\” in finding the votes in the legislature to pass a bill moving the capital of the state from Vandalia to Springfield. Other counties besides Sangamon were hustling for the location; it went to Springfield mainly because of the patient and skilled manipulation of Lincoln. A few members voted for the bill because they liked Lincoln, but most of the voters came through trades, deals, \”log-rolling.\” \”You scratch my back and I\’ll scratch yours.\”

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When a bill came up in the legislature to throw off to the territory of Wisconsin the fourteen northern counties of the State of Illinois, he fought to defeat it. He wanted Illinois to have Chicago, a port on one of the Great Lakes within its borders, connecting the West with the East. If the measure had won, it would have left Illinois depending on the Ohio and Mississippi rivers for water transportation, with its main economic outlets toward the South, with its future tied closer to the South. The bill was beaten by a vote of 70 to 11.

What if this bill had passed? Can you imagine Chicago, Wisconsin? This is why Lincoln was a genius – even he knew that Packer and Bear fans could never live together.

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Here\’s one that should sound familiar:

Among Illinois Whigs there were regrets. They carried their national ticket, but lost the state to the Democrats. This put a new color on a case they were interested in. Months earlier they had charged the Democrats with fraud in voting; thousands of Irish workmen in the canal zone had started a test action before a circuit judge who ruled that foreign born inhabitants must be naturalized before they could vote. The Democrats took the case to the Supreme Court, knowing that if they lost thecase they would lose thousands of votes.

Then came the newly elected legislature into session, with a Democratic majority holding power through the ballots of the canal-zone workers. This was the hour Stephen Douglas, register of the land office, seized; he wrote a draft of a bill; he made a speech in the rotunda of the capitol asking the legislature to pass the bill; the bill passed and became law; it threw out of office four circuit-court judges, set up five new supreme court judgeships, and arranged for the legislature to appoint nine new judges, who would be the supreme court of the state besides doing the work of the circuit-court judges who were thrown out. The bill passed the senate by a vote of 22 to 17, and the house by a vote of 45 to 40. By this move the Democrats saved the canal-zone vote for their party, appointed Democrats as clerks in half the counties of the state as provided in the bill, and placed Stephen A. Douglas, who could no longer be register of the land office under a Whig national administration, on the bench as a supreme court judge.

During this session of the legislature there were bitter feelings between the Whigs and Democrats. The voting was often close. Once when the Democrats wanted a quorum and the Whigs didn\’t, the Democrats locked the door of the house so as to keep the quorum in. Lincoln, Joe Gillespie, and another Whig raised a window and jumped out and hid.

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And here\’s a lesson for all the sissies that run for office now:

Besides wit and personality, a man had to have bulldog courage and a “constitution like a horse\” to stand up in the game. When Stuart was running against Steven A. Douglas for Congress in 1838 the two Shucks grappled, and \”fought like wildcats\” back and forth over the floor of Herndon\’s grocery till each was too tired to hit another blow. When Stuart came to, he ordered a barrel of whisky for the crowd.

Lincoln, a while later, sending news to Stuart in Washington, wrote \”Yesterday Douglas, having chosen to consider himself insulted by something in the Journal, undertook to cane Francis [the editor] in the street. Francis caught him by the hair and jammed him back against a market cart, where the matter ended by Francis being pulled away from him. The whole affair was so ludicrous that Francis and everybody else, Douglas excepted, have been laughing about it ever since.\”

I am 100% for a policy where politicians can challenge newspaper editors to a fight in the middle of the street. This needs to become law in 2006.

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There\’s also a great story of how Lincoln agreed to marry the sister of a friend of his, if his friend could get her sister to move to Illinois. She did, and the sister turned out to be homely and obese. So Lincoln mulled over whether he should keep his word for a few months, then decided to ask her to marry him. When she said \”no,\” he was shocked. It had never occurred to him that she may not want to marry him! So he was hurt by a woman he never wanted to marry in the first place. He wrote a letter to his friend, ending with:

\”Others have been made fools of by the girls; but this can never with truth be said about me. I most emphatically, in this instance, made a fool of myself. I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with any one who would be blockheaded enough to have me.\”

Amen.

Okay, that might be stretching it. But a while back, I did write a post about how paying our elected representatives more would improve the quality of our politicians. Today, Sowell wrote a column agreeing with me. Or I agree with him, or something like that. Anyway, it\’s kind of cool to make the same point as someone whose intellect you admire and respect so much, especially since I can barely spell the word \”intellect.\”

Everyone is aware of the continuing dog and pony show politicians are engaging in to blame oil companies for their recent profits. In fact, here is an example of this charade just today. But this little clip showed up in Wispolitics today that points out the benefactors of these profits might not be who you think (read more here):

Ironically, pharmaceutical and energy companies – which politicians have accused of gouging the public – have contributed the greatest gains to the state\’s $70 billion public pension fund, according to figures through Sept. 30, the latest available from those who run the fund. Retirees often depend on the checks they receive from the agency that administers that fund – the State of Wisconsin Investment Board (SWIB) – to pay their medical and utility bills.Through the first three-quarters of this year, energy and pharmaceutical companies – including Exxon, Chevron, British Petroleum and Amgen – have added more than $345 million to the State of Wisconsin Investment Board\’s portfolio.

So we have a Democratic governor and state senators who complain incessantly that oil company profits are evil, when in fact those same profits are going to benefit state employees. So instead of dragging oil executives to a phony hearing that accomplished nothing, why can\’t Doyle, Decker, and Robson write a bill that sends those profits back to Wisconsin consumers? They are perfectly capable of shifting those poisonous profits out of the state\’s retirement fund and into the hands of Wisconsin\’s citizens, who have been \”gouged.\” They can\’t control how much private stockholders (like Russ Decker and Fred Risser) profit from oil companies, but they can certainly control how much the state is willing to benefit.

Of course, they\’re not truly interested in doing anything substantial, they are only interested in the occasional insultingly puerile press release.

Madison – University of Wisconsin System President Kevin Reilly today announced the UW’s plans to begin a statewide search for their next dean at area Hooters restaurants. “Only someone that sits at the bar at Hooters all afternoon can truly improve the quality of individual we’re looking for to lead our universities,” said Reilly while wiping sweet baby back barbeque sauce off of his mustache.

The UW System has recently received a great deal of negative publicity stemming from the behavior of their administrators. Paul Barrows, the appropriately titled Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs at UW-Madison, has been removed from his position for alleged sexual harassment and for running through the women on campus like he had a week to live. UW-Whitewater Dean Lee Jones has been accused of using $50,000 in money for his own personal uses, and other UW employees have spent time in prison for sexually assaulting young girls and stalking young boys on the internet.

\”There\’s no question we need to improve the ethical conduct of our university leadership, because it can\’t get any worse,\” said Reilly. \”We know we can raise our ethical standard by hiring individuals that sit around, drink beer, and slap scantily clad waitresses on the buttocks all day,\” said Reilly. \”Regular Hooters customers have done their part for the educational system, as they personally fund the cosmetology college tuitions of thousands of trashy white women,\” added Reilly.

Eager to interview was Frank \”Bootyquake\” Kowalski, a large mustachioed man wearing an \”Amateur Gynecologist\” t-shirt. \”I ain\’t much for learnin,\” said the flatulent Kowalski, as he fell off his bar stool. \”But I know I can dean the sh** out of that place,\” he said, finishing off his 5 Wing Flappertizer meal.

\”I knew a guy that went to college once,\” said Kowalski. \”His wife caught him in bed with his girlfriend and she set him on fire. After that, I said no way – no college for me,\” he said.

\”I can see why the UW sees Hooters breastaurants as a hotbed of people with good character,\” said assistant Middleton branch manager Pat Cleveland. \”We are the ultimate family restaurant – good food, clean fun, and if you\’re lucky, you might get to see a little butt crack,\” he said. \”I can sum up the positive, community-oriented atmosphere at Hooters in two words: No homos,\” he said.

Reilly said that if the Hooters search is unsuccesful, he will continue his search at strip clubs, massage parlors and 2 Live Crew concerts. Paul Barrows, who accompanied Reilly to Hooters, found the Breast and Thigh Sampler platter to be particularly enticing.

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SIDE NOTE: In doing the rigorous research for this post, I noticed that Hooters donated $225,000 for the Hurricane Katrina Relief Fund. That\’s nice of them, but don\’t they have an abundance of floatation devices they could have donated?

DOUBLE SECRET SIDE NOTE: I\’m folding up shop here at the blog for a couple weeks to enjoy Christmas and New Year\’s. I may post something if I\’m uniquely inspired, but it will be sporadic, if at all. If you\’re \”jonesing for York,\” I have plenty of columns from months back that nobody ever read, so be my guest.

Who knew I was a cop in Lawrenceville, Illinois?

I thought I\’d get this kid a sweet fleece jacket before I told him he was adopted.

Seeing as how the last post was my 100th, I\’m going to celebrate by re-acquainting myself with Madden 2006 on the Playstation tonight. Do yourself a favor by checking out any of the quality blogs over on my blogroll.

Oh, and as long as I\’m here, I saw \”Syriana\” over the weekend (at the behest of my left wing, Clooney loving wife). Who knew the Middle East would be such a peaceful, modern place without those evil Americans and their military industrial oil complex? On the plus side, the girl at the counter declared war on my arteries by putting a toxic amount of that plastic butter stuff on my popcorn. Coronary-licious.