Thanks to this lawsuit, Allen Heckard will no longer be mistaken for someone who isn\’t a complete moron.

You see, Heckard has lived a tough life – he is often mistaken for Michael Jordan, despite being six inches shorter than Jordan himself. And because at least one person a day thinks that Michael Jordan has shrunk six inches and lives in Northeast Portland, Heckard feels harrassed when they are mistaken for each other. Thus, he has done what any thinking person would do – sue Jordan and Nike for $832 million because of the pain and suffering he has endured due to looking like Mike.


And what has Heckard done to make sure this horrible injustice never occurs again? Well, he… wears his pair of Air Jordans around.

In related news, I have begun legal proceedings myself, as the ladies are constantly telling me I look like a white Denzel.