Great, now the state has to pass another consitutional amendment.

From MSNBC:

From male killer whales that ride the dorsal fin of another male to female bonobos that rub their genitals together, the animal kingdom tolerates all kinds of lifestyles. A first-ever museum display, \”Against Nature?,\” which opened last month at the University of Oslo\’s Natural History Museum in Norway, presents 51 species of animals exhibiting homosexuality…

However, species continuation may not always be the ultimate goal, as many animals, including humans, engage in sexual activities more than is necessary for reproduction.

You mean you can have sex without making a baby? Really? That\’s the excuse women gave me for 20 years!

One question – if you eat a gay turkey, are you a party to a hate crime? I knew something was wrong when I got home from work and my goldfish had rearranged the furniture and bought new drapes.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. Try not to aggravate your relatives too much.

I was swapping stories with my buddy Johnny Roast Beef at the Badger game yesterday, and remembered one that I thought was worth passing along. It shows just how ruthless the Milwaukee police can be.

After my second year of college in the early ’90s, I was working a summer job in a factory in Milwaukee. I think it’s generous to say that in my first two years of college, I had a little trouble attracting the ladies. Actually, I could have been hiding the cure for childhood poverty in my pants, and I wouldn’t have been able to get a girl to investigate it.

Anyway, my friends and I used to go to a super skanky dance club downtown called Metropolis. This was the type of bar that should have given out a free chaser of penicillin with every shot of whiskey. Fishnet tank tops for men was actually part of the dress code. There were only two ways that you could leave this bar without a girl: 1) If you were dead; and 2) If you were me.

So one night, I actually meet a girl there and talked to her for a while. She had two eyes and a full set of teeth, so I was a happy guy. Everything checked out. We went on a couple dates and had a good time. Then, she indicated to me that it was “go time.” She wanted me to meet her at her parents’ house on the near south side on a weekday afternoon that I wasn’t working. Seemed reasonable to me – I probably would have moonwalked backwards to Arkansas for the chance.

So I show up at her house, and it’s just me and her there. Quickly, it becomes evident that the third base coach is waving me home. The captain had turned on the “fasten seatbelt/no smoking” sign, and the plane was ready to land. The camel had applied the sunscreen. (I just made that last one up – feel free to use it casually in conversation.)

Suddenly, there was a loud knocking on her front door. We didn’t know who it was, since her parents weren’t supposed to be home for at least another hour. I ducked into the closet, and she went to get the door. It was a couple of Milwaukee city cops.

Apparently, there was a crackdown on high school truancy going on at the time. For some reason, the cops had watched me pull up to her house and go inside. Thinking we were high school students skipping school, they decided to investigate. I was 20 years old at the time. They made me come outside and sit in the car while they ran my driver’s license for a background check. As I was sitting there, millions of innocent little Schneiders were crashing head first into a wall at full speed.

By the time the whole episode was over and they let me go, it was too late. Her parents were due back, so I had to jump in my car and high-tail it out of there. It was the end of the summer, so I soon left for school and never saw the girl again. On behalf of all the people who were likely being robbed, shot, or plagiarized in the City of Milwaukee at the time, I would like to thank the police for their attentiveness to the turmoil in my boxers.

Despite the statute of limitations having passed, I’m pretty sure I have a pretty good case against the Milwaukee police department. In court, I could just supply the jury a picture of what I looked like at the time, and they’d order me millions in punitive damages. At the very least, the Department should give me a “one free public urination” coupon.

Also, that little episode marked the first time I had to go buy… uhhhhhh…. “protection.” I worked in a drug store in high school, so I had seen this done and knew it was possible. There were two strategies employed in purchasing prophylactics: You had the guys who would bury them in a mountain of other various sundry items, to distract and confuse the other people in line. On the other hand, you had the guys that would walk up to the register, slam down their box of condoms, and announce to everyone in the store that this was the night they were going to set the world coital record.

I, on the other hand, was absolutely horrified. I figured I would try gas stations, since there were likely less people in there to see me. Problem was, every gas station I went to was either full of people or had a female working the counter. Most of them kept the goods behind the counter, so you would have to publicly announce your purchase to the gas station patrons. And forget about standing there in front of the counter and looking at what brand or style you wanted. Suddenly, saran wrap seemed like a viable option. (AKA, Doin’ it lunch style)

Just so I didn’t look like a criminal, I’d chicken out and buy a bottle of Mountain Dew and slink out of the store. At one point, I looked down at my passenger seat and counted nine bottles of Mountain Dew.

Finally, I sucked it up and bought a box from the PDQ out near the happy barn by Delafield. Keep in mind, I was living in Greenfield at the time – and that is where I ended up finally making the purchase. I think I hit every gas station inbetween. That reminds me, that box I bought is almost empty – I should probably go get another one.

Is there anything better than re-discovering a CD that you loved back in the day, but that you forgot that you even owned? It\’s like finding a $20 bill in an old leopard print g-string.

This video reminded me of the massive early \’90s Indie Guy crush I had on Kristin Hersh of Throwing Muses. I went to see them in concert in \’93 (I think), and I felt like a 12 year old girl at an N*SYNC show.

Anyway, I just thought I\’d share the love for those that may be late.

A lot of offensive things go on at the Capitol, but I think this one trumps them all.

Tonight, the Capitol building was lit up in pink and blue to \”promote prematurity awareness.\”

Okay, so some of us have a problem with prematurity. Do you really need to turn the Capitol purple to broadcast our most private, personal problems to the world?

Wait.. what?

York requested that I run our new business idea past his readership. He would do it himself but I think he\’s under a desk somewhere. (Take that whichever way you will. I can\’t stop you.)

Anyway, I\’m convinced that this idea is pure genius. Recent studies suggest that consumers are frustrated and confused by the widespread availability of outerwear vests. Further research reveals that the #1 complaint of young people ages 18-25 is that their limbs are too cold & their core too warm.

It took a pair of bloggers to figure out what was missing. The answer: Simply Arms. An entire store dedicated to selling nothing but sleeves.

Simply Arms will probably sell sandwiches and beverages as well. Simply Soup does it so its obviously cool with DATCP and the FTC. I\’m feeling pretty proud of this idea. I think I\’ll have a beer.

I\’m watching \”Plot to Kill: Ronald Reagan\” on the History channel. My info button says it is a documentary and \”dramatic reenactment\”.

How much would it suck to play the creepy guy in a dramatic reenactment? I\’m pretty sure it doesn\’t help you get the ladies. Plus it means that you have that certain deranged look about you.

I wish my remote control weren\’t lost in the couch cushions.

I\’m still working on that stoplight post York requested but there are just so many other things to talk about. So many things.

But what I really want is to give York\’s readers something to think about this weekend. You have to think on the weekends too. To keep your mind nimble and bendy.

So why not think about Professional Rock Paper Scissors:

Now…I\’m not one to criticize. I once purchased a textbook on arm wrestling. (It was worth it. I\’ve never lost to a girl). But lets move on. Stop looking at me.

There are apparently a variety of legitimate strategies involved in RPS if you know what you\’re doing. And it is clearly a very sexy sport (as evidenced by the partial boob in the above logo).

But seriously…should we really allow people to compete professionally at just anything? If we let the camel\’s nose under the tent on this one, pretty soon EVERYONE will be a professional of one sort or another. And then what will we call the people with actual talent? Anyway, think about it.

Hm. So I’m excited for this chance to stand in Dennis York’s shoes for a day or two. Incidentally, his shoes are damp. Very dubious indeed.

Before leaving on blog vacation, York left me with three simple instructions. In his own words:

1. “Just be yourself.”
2. “Don’t say anything about my enormous earlobes.”
3. “Your first post must be about stoplights. You have to bring it.”

I don’t want to let the man down so I have spent much of my evening collecting data on traffic signals and the susceptibility of ferrets to European bat rabies. Er…except not that last part.

Since I am recovering from both a literal and figurative election night hangover, I\’m taking some time off from the blog. In my place will be the fabulous Neville Barksdale, who will take the reins in my absence. Please welcome Neville with a big round of applause.

I imagine Neville looks something like this:

Assuming the remaining Assembly Republicans retain him as Speaker, Mike Huebsch now becomes the most important Republican in the state. I know everyone\’s psyched about J.B. Van Hollen\’s big win as Attorney General, but Huebsch and the Assembly Republicans now serve as a statewide goaltender, blocking all the bad ideas that will come from the Democratic Governor and Senate. Huebsch has to fill the same role that Chuck Chvala played for Democrats when Republicans held the Assembly and Governorship. Without Huebsch being an effective leader, we will see caps on school property taxes and the QEO lifted, more business regulation that drive jobs out of the state, and increased taxes and fees that force our residents to other states.

More later…

Everyone seems to be doing their pre-election posts with their endorsements, predictions, and observations. I will refrain from any of these, as I refuse to believe that anyone really cares what I, as a dopey blogger, think. Plus, if you read my blog, you pretty much know how I\’m voting. If you don\’t read my blog, congratulations on actually being a productive worker in your office.

The only thing I haven\’t figured out is how I\’m voting in the Baldwin/Magnum congressional race – how do you support either? After I vote, Count Chocula might be one vote closer to his dream of representing Dane County in Congress. His other dream, of course, is to turn my milk brown and delicious. Mission accomplished on that one.

At the end of a campaign, the idea is to make voters not be able to comprehend the world if the other guy is elected. The rhetoric gets so heated and outlandish, it\’s easy to think the apocalypse will descend upon us if our guy loses. Now, I have no idea what will happen on Tuesday, but in the event a worst-case development occurs, I want to provide some pre-emptive consolation to Republican voters.

Think about the 85% of Wisconsin citizens who can\’t name a single one of their elected representatives, and how happy they generally are. To these people, it makes absolutely no difference who inhabits state government – as long as their trailer is still there when they get back from the liquor store, they live content lives.

If Democrats end up winning a lot of offices on Tuesday, there are substantial portions of your life that will remain untouched. For instance:

-Democrats won\’t be able to stop you from enjoying playing with your kids.

-Democrats won\’t be able to stop you from enjoying delicious sausage deep dish pizzas from Lou Malnati\’s (although it will take you a year to get in to see a doctor when the inevitable cardiac arrest occurs).

-Democrats won\’t be able to keep you from laughing at people with outrageous mustaches.

-Democrats have no impending plans to change the periodic table of elements, so the symbol for Tungsten will remain \”W.\” Thus, you can continue to make entertain friends at dinner parties with this fact, before you get down to business and the wife swapping begins.

-Democrats won\’t be able to keep you from experiencing the pure joy you feel when you find a ten dollar bill in an old pair of jeans. Of course, they will snatch it up when they find out you have it, but at least you temporarily felt the thrill of discovery.

-Democrats won\’t enter your house and forcibly take the one shirt you have that doesn\’t make you look fat.

-Democrats won\’t eliminate your right to sob like a little girl when Red gets out of prison in Shawshank, when you watch it for the 35th time.

-Democrats will save America from the growing epidemic of gay Republican congressmen touching your children – since no Democrats are gay or have ever done anything unseemly.

-Democrats can\’t eliminate the feeling you get when you realize that all the drinks you bought her are working, and she can\’t tell what you look like anymore. Probably much like how Lance Armstrong felt after his fourth straight Tour de France victory.

-Democrats will show us how a bad war is supposed to be run (see LBJ).

-Democrats will not be able to prevent you from sticking your tongue in a bag full of popcorn when your arms are full of snacks at a movie. Of course, if you are a teenage Republican, that will likely be the only thing you are sticking your tongue in at the movies.

On the other hand, you will pay higher taxes and your house will probably be declared Ho-Chunk sacred gambling property and taken from you. Details, details.

After the nad-punching the Packers provided on Sunday, I don\’t know if I can take any more crushing disappointments this week. In fact, I may have to wear a protective cup to the polls. Regardless of who ends up winning on Tuesday, my night will probably end the same way it ends every night – with me crying myself to sleep, clutching a bottle of Wild Turkey.

That being said, if Democrats sweep all the major offices tomorrow, look for me on the news – I\’ll be the guy wearing an orange ten gallon hat and arm floaties that\’s running around naked on the beltline, waving a bottle of Jim Beam. That might be the only way I fulfill my dream of making it onto the news on election night.

Now let\’s get out there and make this the sexiest election day ever.

I think I remember buying this bear a drink sophomore year. She threw a trout at me, which was actually one of the better ways women reacted to my advances.

Next time I stumble in at 2 AM, I\’ll just tell my wife I ran into a bad batch of fermented apples. In the strip club.

Madison (AP) – In an explosive development that is likely to break the Wisconsin gubernatorial race wide open, investigators have begun looking into reports that Governor Jim Doyle actually purchased the new Justin Timberlake CD, \”Future Sex/Love Sounds.\” When confronted by reporters immediately following the incident, a visibly shaken Doyle said only, \”Um…. stem cells? Anyone?\”

Doyle spokesman Anson Kaye immediately dismissed the incident, saying \”Governor Doyle has long been an admirer of Mr. Timberlake\’s work, and he fully supports his initiative to bring sexy back.\” Recent economic reports show that sexy has been on the decline in Wisconsin, roughly since the introduction of the McGriddle breakfast sandwich.

Timberlake\’s work, popular among babysitters and imaginary unicorn riders, appears to have driven Doyle to some questionable behavior lately. \”Yeah, he\’s really been acting totally weird – wearing headphones to cabinet meetings and spending his whole day in his office on MySpace,\” said campaign chair Marc Marotta. \”Maybe he\’s just getting used to his new training bra,\” snickered Marotta, while covering his face and trying not to laugh. However, open records requests show that Marotta himself purchased the Timberlake CD a full month before Doyle.

In his campaign, Doyle has been making a conscious effort to reach out to young voters. In fact, he recently released a television ad in which he peforms the most awkward caucasian high-five in human recorded history, barely beating out the time blogger Dennis York found out sweater vests at Banana Republic were on sale.

Doyle\’s youth outreach strategy has earned him a 100% approval rating among voters under 14 years of age. His popularity has plummeted among his fraternity brothers, who actually all own the CD themselves, but are too ashamed to admit that it\’s actually pretty damn good. In an attempt to resurrect his indie cred, Doyle has been seen touting his prescription drug plan wearing a tattered Dead Milkmen t-shirt.

In the last week of a gubernatorial campaign, the claims and counterclaims between opponents fly so fast it\’s hard to keep up. A casualty of the dizzying pace is the truth, as few media outlets are actually willing to do the work to research the flurry of accusations made against candidates.

This week, the Doyle for Governor campaign released a television ad featuring a rape survivor who claims that Congressman Mark Green would deny her the choice to have an abortion. Unless Green ascends to the post of Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court and takes Justice Anthony Kennedy with him, abortion on demand will remain the law of the land, regardless of who inhabits the East Wing of the Wisconsin State Capitol.

Nevertheless, Planned Parenthood today, on cue, followed up with a press release which essentially provides more information on Doyle\’s TV ad. In the release, they cite several pieces of legislation which are supposed to prove that Mark Green wants to deny emergency contraception to rape survivors. Their first citation reads:

(Green) failed to support compassionate care for rape victims and access to emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy after an assault. (2005 HR 2928)

Note that there never was a vote of any kind on 2005 HR 2928 in the U.S. House, where Green served. Unable to cite a specific vote, Planned Parenthood criticizes Green for \”failing to support\” the bill, which means he didn\’t sign on to the bill as a cosponsor. By this standard, Milwaukee Democrat Gwen Moore also \”failed to support\” the bill, as she isn\’t on the bill either. Saying that someone \”failed to support\” a piece of legislation because they didn\’t put their name on it is like saying you\’re failing to support your neighbor if you don\’t mow his lawn for him every weekend.

That\’s not to say that Green theoretically didn\’t oppose the bill, which does something very different than providing \”compassionate care for rape victims.\” The bill summary reads as follows:

Prohibits any federal funds from being provided to a hospital unless the hospital meets certain conditions related to a woman who is a victim of sexual assault, including that the hospital:

(1) provides the woman with accurate and unbiased information about emergency contraception;
(2) offers emergency contraception to the woman;
(3) provides the woman such contraception at the hospital on her request; and
(4) does not deny any such services because of the inability of the woman or her family to pay.

So the bill is really about federal funding, and the ability to withhold that funding unless hospitals and health care centers comply with this heavy-handed federal mandate.

Ironically, the bill attempts to impose the same invasive mandate that Planned Parenthood opposes when pro-life groups attempt to withhold federal funds for abortion-related activities. Doesn\’t Planned Parenthood believe people should be allowed to make their own choices? Aren\’t they opposed to government stepping in and hindering those choices? Silly questions, I know.

Let\’s think about this bill in practice. You run a Catholic health facility that cares for seniors and the disabled, and you rely on hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars, to care for these fragile individuals. This bill would require your medical center to provide a certain type of procedure that goes against a fundamental teaching of your faith, or you\’d lose all of your Medicaid and Medicare funding. Additionally, even if you provide the procedure, you must also provide materials that are deemed \”accurate and unbiased\” by a government bureaucrat, and you must provide it at no cost; otherwise, your doors get shut down and all of the people for whom you provide care will be left to fend for their own health care.

In essence, proponents of this bill are prioritizing chemical abortion over all other forms of health care. Pulling federal funding from medical centers who know best about what types of procedures they can offer patients is an unconscionable invasion by federal lawmakers. When those millions in federal dollars go away, I\’m sure that will help address the rising costs of and availability of health insurance.

The next two bullet points in Planned Parenthood\’s release aren\’t any more accurate. They claim that Green:

• Co-authored legislation to allow health care providers to deny women access to birth control and health care. (1997 AB 953)
• Supports allowing pharmacists to refuse to fill prescriptions for birth control. (1997 AB 953)

As you can see from their citations, these two are the same bill – but it\’s a nice effort to try to split the bill into two bullet points.

1997 Assembly Bill 953 was introduced at the time RU-486 was becoming a reality. The bill expanded an existing state law that allowed medical professionals to refuse to participate in medical procedures with which they disagreed on moral, ethical, or religious grounds (such as abortion). Essentially, the bill added dispensing RU-486 to the list of procedures that medical professionals could sit out because of their beliefs, since the pill prevented implantation of a fertilized egg in the uterine wall.

Planned Parenthood keeps hanging on to the falsehood that somehow these conscience clause bills have something to do with \”birth control\” as it is normally understood. None of the bills that have ever been considered deal with \”the pill,\” yet pro-abortion groups keep trying to make women think they do, to scare and confuse them.

In fact, the 2003 \”conscience clause\” bill specifically exempted \”contraceptive articles,\” defined in state law as \”any drug, medicine, mixture, preparation, instrument, article or device of any nature used or intended or represented to be used to prevent a pregnancy\” (Wis. Stat 450.155 (1)(a). When some legislators tried to remove this exemption (thereby allowing pharmacists to refuse to give out birth control pills), their amendment was voted down by a whopping 86-8 vote – a rebuke rarely seen among members of the majority party.

I actually disagree with Green\’s stance on abortion – I believe some exceptions (rape, incest, life of the mother) are appropriate. This post isn\’t meant to sugar coat Green\’s stance on abortion, as if to say that he\’s actually closer to Planned Parenthood than they think. He isn\’t – and good for him. Any position he would take would be opposed by pro-abortion groups.

The purpose of this post is merely to illustrate that if you run as a pro-life candidate, you\’re not necessarily running on your actual record. You\’re running on whatever the pro-abortion groups say your record is, real or imagined, as the media never takes the time to research the veracity of claims in the last week of a busy campaign. But I guess we need campaign finance reform to reduce the amount of political speech during campaigns, rather than asking reporters to actually investigate and report on the accuracy of the speech that occurs. That might actually leave it in the hands of the people to decide who\’s telling the truth, rather than the editorial boards.

11-year-old Pewaukee trick-or-treater robbed of candy

City of Pewaukee – Walking home after an afternoon of trick or treating and playing ghost in the graveyard with friends, an 11-year-old boy was robbed of his candy by a male wearing a ski mask, Chief Gary Bach said.

Corey Sweeney, who will be 12 on Thursday, said he went trick or treating with friends in their Springdale Estates neighborhood Sunday afternoon and then visited a friend. When trick or treating ended at 6 p.m., he decided to walk the short distance to his home.

\”A car pulled up alongside me and I thought it was just stopping for the stop sign,\” Corey said. But a male wearing a ski mask got out of the passenger side of the car, walked toward him and asked him if he had any candy.

Corey, wearing a Michael Vick football jersey for a costume, said he did, and the male grabbed a pillow case full of candy.

Is there any way we can send donations of cash or candy to Corey Sweeney in Pewaukee? I propose taking up a collection, to make sure he gets 10 times the candy that punk stole from him.

Oh, and by the way – another guy got shot in the head in Milwaukee today.