Melanie Conklin has strengthened her case for a 2006 Pulitzer Prize by including me in her \”what I want for Christmas\” column today. I\’m way at the end.

Oh, and that quote is actually wife-approved. How great is she?

For the last few days, I\’ve just been laying around, completely uninspired and without original thought. So as us gentiles get ready to celebrate the birth of Santa, I\’ll probably remain lazy and not post a lot. I reserve the right to post something if so inspired (like if Flavor Flav once again touches my life in a particularly profound way), but it\’s unlikely.

In closing, I would like to congratulate myself on being named Time\’s person of the year, just narrowly beating out Barbaro and lasagna. I was clearly who they had in mind when they breathlessly wrote:

And for seizing the reins of the global media, for founding and framing the new digital democracy, for working for nothing and beating the pros at their own game, TIME\’s Person of the Year for 2006 is you…

It\’s about the many wresting power from the few and helping one another for nothing and how that will not only change the world, but also change the way the world changes.

I concur completely. And to validate their point, here are a couple world-changing posts I wrote about farts, poop, bikini waxing, and boners.

Oh, and before I forget – it\’s been a while since we visited The Kid From Brooklyn, so here you go – he\’s got a song for you.

From the BBC:

Ukraine babies in stem cell probe
By Matthew Hill BBC Health Correspondent

Healthy new-born babies may have been killed in Ukraine to feed a flourishing international trade in stem cells, evidence obtained by the BBC suggests. Disturbing video footage of post-mortem examinations on dismembered tiny bodies raises serious questions about what happened to them.

It could possibly be a result of harvesting stem cells from bone marrow.

It is clear that the UW-Madison needs to pick it up if it wants to reclaim its title of \”Stem Cell Capital of the World.\” Obviously, the Ukraine is far more progressive than Wisconsin in extracting stem cells – where are our mass graves of baby body parts, UW? Shouldn\’t we be doing everything we can to help grandma with her Parkinson\’s? Think of all the high paying jobs it would create – aren\’t we passing on big-time economic development potential?

We need to be aggressive in targeting pregnant mothers for their little life-saving packages. When they go into labor, I propose we make them sign a confusing document that gives them the right to not donate their child to the UW. If that doesn\’t work, we can try special promotions – \”Get a $50 gift card to Ann Taylor with the donation of any canned good or live baby.\”

Generally, I’m in the “all religions should get along” camp. But I’ve noticed something that’s kind of bothered me, and I need some direction as to whether I should be offended or not.

I’ve been working my way through all of the Curb Your Enthusiasm DVDs, and I’ve noticed how often Larry David, who is Jewish, uses the phrase “Jesus Christ!” to express shock or disgust.

Traditionally, people say “Jesus Christ!” when they really want to add a little kick to their expression of disbelief. This is especially true, albeit wrong, for Christians – since they are taking the name of their Savior in vain. This has led to such well known sayings as “Jesus Christ – that camel is going to eat my whole Cinnabon!” and “Jesus Christ – his nose is so hairy, it looks like he inhaled a bunny rabbit!” In fact, I regularly work the Lord’s name into new and exciting 18 word phrases during Packer games.

But for non-Christians, the phrase doesn’t really pack the same punch. Since Jews aren’t really big on the whole “divinity of Christ” bandwagon, they could literally pick anyone to use as an interjection and it would be equally as effective. They could say, for example, “Burl Ives, why can’t our mother wear underwear in public?” and it would have the same impact. So why do they get to choose our guy JC?

So basically, non-Christians get to use the Christian Savior as a punchline without having to do all the sucky crap that good Christians have to do (go to church, contribute financially, threaten abortionists, etc.). It’s kind of like when people within certain ethic or religious groups can make jokes and use disparaging words about their own people – because in the end, everyone knows that they are still in alignment with that group.

But when a member of any group steps outside and begins making comments or using words used by another group, there tends to be trouble. For instance, I would never say something like “Oh, Mohammed! That enchilada gave me fire ass!” See, that would be offensive – and I don’t see how it would be any different for a Muslim to say the same using Jesus’ name.

I am willing to find common ground on this. As a concession, I am willing to relinquish Christian control of such popular religious sayings as \”For the love of God,\” \”God dammit,\” and \”Turd burglar.\”

I hate to get all Mel Gibson on this, but it did kind of bother me a little. Incidentally, look for my new film, “Chocalypto,” which tells the harrowing story of how Count Chocula was able to fend off invasion by the white milk.

And on the scale of things that irritate me, this is low on the list – well behind people that throw cigarettes out their car windows.

I think I’m going to officially decree Greenbush Bar as my favorite Madison restaurant. It’s a cozy little neighborhood bar on Regent Street that has an inviting feel and great food. I usually get the spaghetti and meatballs, and the sauce is out of this world. In fact, I’m trying to hunt down where I can buy sauce like that – it’s a lot lighter in both texture and taste than the stuff you buy at the store, which tends to be pasty. The menu says it’s “Sicilian style,” so is that a real type of sauce? Oh, and the personal pizzas are the best pizzas in Madison, which unfortunately isn’t saying much.

(I’m expecting a call any minute from the State Journal to do restaurant reviews.)

While you\’re busy roasting your nuts with your family over the holiday, make sure you don\’t forget that December 22nd is Global Orgasm Day. In an effort to protest by doing something they would be doing anyway, a group of hippies has decided to voice their displeasure with the war by having everyone in the world have sex at the same time.

From their website (which isn\’t nearly as awesome as it sounds):

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.

The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.

Of course, there is hard scientific evidence to back up their claims:

The Global Consciousness Project (http://noosphere.princeton.edu/), runs a network of Random Event Generators (REGs) around the world, which record changes in randomness during global events. The results show that human consciousness can be measured to have a global effect on matter and energy during widely-watched events such as 9/11 and the Indian Ocean tsunami. There have also been measurable results during mass meditations and prayers.

It should suprise no one that I think this is a fantastic idea. Although at the \”climactic moment,\” I\’m generally not thinking about peace – I\’m usually thinking, \”I wonder if she\’ll be able to break a twenty?\”

First of all, it totally gives you an excuse when you \”protest\” a little too early. When everyone finds out that you protested about 10 minutes before everyone else, you can just blame it on your extreme dislike of Bush. High fives all around! (but wash your hands first).

It\’s also exciting to know that I may have been a political radical all throughout my teenage years and not even known it. Actually, given the fact that I held my own one man protest every time the JC Penney catalog came, I might as well have been the Che Guevara of White Oak Lane.

Furthermore, I have figured out that sex can actually be part of your civic duty. I know that every time I have it, it reminds me that there\’s a congressional election coming up.

Remember, Think Globally, Bone Locally.

There seems to be this weird underground movement of nerds filming themselves opening newly bought electronics and posting the footage on the internet. I know… I didn\’t really understand it myself at first. But apparently some people derive pleasure from watching others open Playstation 3 boxes. In fact, there\’s even a website dedicated to this activity, which has been given the name \”unboxing\” by the Worldwide Council of People Living in Their Parents\’ Basements.

Here\’s an example of what I\’m talking about:

Note the lack of furniture in the room – I doubt that\’s a coincidence, just a matter of nerd priority. This is actually too lame even to be funny – just deeply disturbing. Can\’t these guys just get off to the shower scene in Sixteen Candles like in the old days?

I\’ve complained in past posts that 80% of local newscasts is now weather forecasts. At this point, you\’re just tuning in to the weather to see what the news is like. They go on and on about the dew point, relative humidity, barometric pressure, and other things you couldn\’t care less about.

So here\’s my suggestion to local meteorologists – if you\’re going to hog the newscast, at least give me information I can actually use. When it gets cold out, there\’s only one thing I need to know when I leave the house:

Am I going to need to wear a hat?

You see, whether to wear a hat or not to work is an important decision. When men get out of the shower, it takes a long time to do our hair to make it look like we didn\’t spend any time doing our hair. But when you throw a hat on a wet head, it makes you look like you combed your hair with a pork chop by the time you get to work. You may begin to notice people not sitting near you in the work cafeteria anymore.

So I propose the creation of the MHI (Messy Hair Index). Just figure out the proper temperature at which I need to throw on a lid, and let me know when the MHI is in play so I can plan for it. I need to know this about a hundred times more than I need to know whether there\’s a high pressure system hovering over Nebraska.

I\’m issuing that challenge to you, Gary Cannalte. Are you man enough to accept?

For all the people concerned about whether I finally got to see \”Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man\’s Chest,\” my wife and I watched it last night. Well, actually I fell asleep about an hour in (when the squid-faced guy showed up). So I finished it tonight.

You may now all return to the business of your daily lives.

With the Packers having completely bottomed out, I\’ve turned my attention to the Bucks. (SIDE NOTE: Thank God the Packers hired the offensive coordinator from a 4-12 team, who didn\’t even get an interview with any other NFL squad. It would have totally sucked to have Eric Mangini (7-5) or Sean Payton (8-4) coaching the Packers. I will now go immerse my head in lime jello.)

Some Bucks observations:

Three of the Bucks\’ starters have the letter \”C\” on their jersey, indicating they are team captains (Mo Williams, Michael Redd, and Andrew Bogut). That\’s most of the starting five – wouldn\’t the other two feel a little left out? What do you have to do not to be named a team captain? Smoke Marlboros at the free throw line?

The Bucks will never be a winning team with Mo Williams as their starting point guard. He\’s a selfish, me-first guard who doesn\’t play any defense and isn\’t interested in running any kind of offense to make sure that the players that can shoot are the ones taking the shots. Because of Mo, Michael Redd disappears for whole quarters while Ruben Patterson, Steve Blake, and Charlie Bell are jacking up long jump shots. He\’s killing Andrew Bogut\’s development as a player, since he always settles for his own jump shot instead of forcing the ball inside. With Williams at the point, there\’s no theme – no plan for how to attack a defense. Everyone just runs around, clueless as to who is going to take the shot at the end of the possession. Most importantly, he has a disturbing amount of hair on his shoulders.

Andrew Bogut and Charlie Villanueva are 14 feet of pure, uncut ugly.

I don\’t understand why the Bucks\’ front office hasn\’t figured out what every Bucks fan already knows – that Steve Blake isn\’t an NBA player. Sure, he tries hard, but he simply doesn\’t have the skill level to play point guard at the highest level. He can\’t defend quick guards, his shooting has been horrific, and he turns the ball over at inopportune times. And this is what the Bucks got for a former all-star seven footer (Jamal Magloire)? It\’s like the Bucks had a halftime fan shooting contest and someone forgot that the guy they pulled in from the stands is actually still on the court.

Everyone likes the stories of second round draft picks that make it onto an NBA roster and succeed. However, if you have an entire team full of second round picks, it might be time to re-evaluate whether the talent level of your team is where it needs to be. Here\’s the current makeup of the current Bucks that see any amount of playing time (and yes, it took me 30 minutes to look this up):

Charlie Bell – undrafted
Steve Blake – second round
Andrew Bogut – first round
Dan Gadzuric – second round
Lynn Greer – undrafted
Ersan Ilyasova – second round
David Noel – second round
Ruben Patterson – second round
Michael Redd – second round
Bobby Simmons – second round
Brian Skinner – first round
Charlie Villanueva – first round
Mo Williams – second round

That\’s eight second-rounders, three first-rounders, and two undrafted players. Granted, second rounders can turn into great players (see Redd, for example). And Lord knows, there have been plenty of first round busts (Shawn Respert, anyone? Tractor Traylor?) But there\’s a reason players fall out of the first round – generally they have a significant deficiency in their game (like the ability to play it, in Steve Blake\’s case). Do you really want to roll the dice as a GM on an entire team made up of significantly flawed players?

One of the benefits of having the NBA Full Court package is being able to see local team announcers from around the country. This has allowed me to confirm what I already suspected – that the Bucks\’ announcers are the worst in the NBA. As if the team isn\’t bad enough, Paschke and McGlocklin make watching local games nearly unbearable. It\’s always the same – McGlocklin\’s old stories about Kareem, the Bucks never commit a foul, excessive use of the term \”reload,\” and on and on. I need McGlocklin as my personal representative to my wife for when I screw up – \”There\’s NO WAY he forgot to pick up milk on the way home from work. THERE\’S JUST… NO… WAY!\”

Paschke trying to push the nickname of \”The Cowboy\” on Desmond Mason because he went to Oklahoma State was the low point in local sports broadcasting for the last 20 years. I love being able to turn to a game and not be able to tell which team\’s announcers are calling it. When it\’s the Bucks announcers, you\’re better off throwing on the headphones and listening to some tunes.

I had planned on just killing Terry Stotts for using a ridiculous zone defense for the recent west coast swing. But with the Bucks going 2-1 on the road trip so far, it\’s hard to argue the results – although they are winning in spite of the zone, not because of it.

Playing an exclusively zone defense in the NBA is absolutely ridiculous. Professional coaches and players are too good not to figure it out. As a head coach, it amounts to waving a white flag and conceding that your team either doesn\’t have the heart to play any defense, or you as a coach aren\’t willing to teach your team to defend. It worked in the first game of the road trip against the Lakers, because it took them by surprise and they can\’t shoot.

Playing zone the entire game against the Phoenix Suns, one of the best shooting teams in the NBA, was absurd. Yet the Bucks sit back and let Steve Nash get to the middle of the lane and hit shooter after shooter for wide open three pointers. Plus, it\’s harder to rebound in a zone (you don\’t have an assigned man to block out), and it\’s harder to defend in transition (you don\’t have an assigned man to pick up, which is why Golden State\’s Troy Murphy hit five three pointers in the third quarter against the Bucks).

The Packers are dead last in the NFL in points per game allowed. The Bucks are second to last in the NBA in points per game allowed. The Brewers were 25th in major league baseball in team ERA at the end of last year. The State Legislature can\’t even keep gay people from scoring. There truly is no \”D\” in \”Wisconsin.\”

Oh, and the Bucks uniforms look pretty good. That is all.

The wife (Weezie) and I decided to catch a sneak preview of the movie \”Blood Diamond\” on Saturday night. So I am proud to be able to provide you with this early review before you\’ll even read about it in the papers:

Eh.

Baghdad (AP) – A loophole in the new Iraqi Constitution has made the middle eastern country a popular vacation spot for gays and lesbians, according to U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad. \”Boy, we really screwed that one up,\” said Khalilzad. \”You would think that would be the first thing to write in our Constitution – making sure people of the same sex can\’t find any sort of level of happiness,\” he said.

Khalilzad was visiting a neighborhood in Baghdad the other day, when he saw two men that he assumed were taking part in the traditional Iraqi practice of mustache fighting. As he neared the men, he realized that they, in fact, just enjoyed a fancy meal and a showing of \”When Harry Met Sally.\” Khalilzad stated for the record that he thought Billy Crystal\’s performance was a little over the top, but enjoyed Meg Ryan\’s whimsical banter.

Before the new Constitution was adopted, homosexuality was a crime in Iraq, punishable either by death or being adopted by Madonna. In order to escape this choice, many gay Iraqis have been spotted jumping off the roof of the tallest building remaining in Iraq, the one story Qdoba down on the corner of Uday and Qusay boulevards.

Despite the anti-homosexual sentiment in Iraq, lesbian pornography has continued to run rampant, as hot burqa on burqa action is still encouraged. However, authorities still have the ability to ban truly obscene images, such as a picture of a woman voting.

In a speech to the United Nations, Khalilzad said that he was proud of the progress Iraq has made in becoming a more modern society. For instance, Iraqis are now able to use cutting edge conveniences like Rubik\’s Cubes and Huey Lewis and the News tapes. He vowed that America was going to stay the course for as long as it takes to free their nation, or until Republicans start to lose seats in Congress, whichever comes first.

\”America will not relent until Iraq\’s leg is humped by the Puppy of Freedom,\” said the erudite Khalilzad, before boarding a plane to get the hell out of there.

My wife and I have a Netflix subscription, and pretty much take turns picking movies out to watch. I remember looking at our preference list and seeing that my wife added \”Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man\’s Chest.\”

At work today, she sent me an e-mail asking me if I wanted to watch \”my girl Keira\” (Knightley) tonight. I replied and said fine, since I didn\’t think the first Pirates of the Caribbean was all that bad.

After she put my daughter to bed, I made some popcorn, grabbed a soda, and settled in for some Skeleton Pirate action. At the beginning of the movie, it was just Keira walking around in this house full of little girls that were giggling. I kept waiting for skeletons to jump out and grab her. After about 5 minutes, I kept waiting for things to pick up. I looked at my wife and asked her if \”her boy Orlando\” (Bloom) was in this. She looked puzzled and said no. After a few more minutes, I realized – she got Pride and Prejudice, not Pirates of the Caribbean. And I was locked in – no escape for two long hours of this nonsense.

I suppose it could have been worse, but I clearly was the victim of the old \”bait and switch\” technique. In the future, boys – ask for details. As revenge, I at least get to post a picture.

I completely missed this Sports Illustrated feature story in October about Green Bay\’s own Jay DeMerit. DeMerit has taken the English Premier Soccer League by storm in a time where – let\’s face it – Americans aren\’t exactly overly popular. Aside from that, he\’s a self made star and a was a longshot to make it big.

I\’m not a huge soccer fan, but I do know being a star in the English Premier league makes you one of the biggest sports icons in the world. Reading the story about how DeMerit worked his way up through the ranks to where he is now is inspirational – and Wisconsin is lucky enough to call him our own.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I recently purchased a 42-inch plasma HDTV. Upon bankrupting the future of my child, I instantly realized two things. First, there are a lot of things I didn’t anticipate when I bought the TV. Secondly, dog food doesn’t really taste that bad when combined with appropriate levels of cumin.

As a public service, I thought I’d give a few tips of what you can expect when you, too, decide your children shouldn’t go to college. I\’ll start with a warning – after you buy your new big screen HDTV, there is this annoyance known as \”your family\” that will sporadically try to divert your attention away from the vivid glory of your new TV. Occasionally, they will make demands like \”take us to the park\” or \”come to the table for dinner.\” Sometimes, you will be able to groan and wave to pacify them, but they will always be back for more. If you hold out long enough, your daughter will have gone on tour with a rock band and your wife will have formed a bond with the mailman, and your life will be much simpler.

Tips:

If you buy a plasma TV, make sure you have a big enough truck to get it home upright. For plasmas, you can’t lean them more than 15 degrees forward or backwards, or the mysterious crystals break or some crap like that. Or if you tilt your TV, you get testicular cancer. It was one of those two, I can\’t remember which. You can have your TV delivered, but it will take a week or two for them to bring it to your house – which totally kills the rush of spending all that money.

If you buy your TV at Best Buy, you can sign up for the Reward Zone card, which gives you back two bucks for every, like, thousand bucks you spend – but only after going through some ridiculously complicated online process of redeeming your cash. On the positive side, you don’t have to give out your phone number at the register anymore, since they already have it. Out of habit, I’ve actually been giving out my phone number to waitresses for years now, much to the chagrin of my wife.

If you have DirecTV, make sure you call and set up your HD hook-up appointment well before you actually get your TV. If you call after you get your TV, you can look forward to waiting for a month before you can get HD satellite service. Nobody likes a month of foreplay – it may get so bad, that you start eyeing up your best friend’s HDTV. However, you can still hook up an antenna to get local HD channels until your cable/satellite hookup comes.

If you do get an HD antenna (they’re pretty cheap – like $20), don’t waste your money on one that’s “enhanced” with electricity. Trust me, I\’ve wasted enough money on electric enhancing agents via Swedish mail-order. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but for some reason when you turn on the juice to strengthen the pickup, the picture actually gets worse. Instead, have your wife stand on your roof with the antenna over her head.

Even after your satellite service is hooked up, you may want to keep your antenna hooked up. For some reason, Channel 27 (ABC) and Channel 21 (PBS) in Madison don’t broadcast through DirecTV yet. So if you want to watch an ABC football game in HD or just can’t miss a guy playing the banjo with his feet on “Here and Now,” you need to use your antenna. When you do use your antenna, there are some stations that you will be able to get that you don’t get through your satellite or cable. NBC-15 has some weather station that they broadcast on 15-2. There are actually three HD PBS stations (your tax dollars at work). And there’s a sister music video channel connected to channel 47 that’s better than any video channel you’d pay for on cable.

When you sign up for DirecTV, you\’ll have to get a new receiver, which will run you an extra $100. TiVo-enabled receivers cost more, and there\’s apparently a shortage of them right now. You\’ll be able to move your old TiVo receiver to another TV and still use it for no extra charge. But if you watch so much TV that you need two TiVo receivers running at once, then you really need to put down the pipe, get off the couch, and start looking for a job.

The dudes at the electronics store are going to try to get you to buy some super-expensive cables to hook up all your components. Seriously, some of the cables alone run $100 per cable – enough to keep all the Best Buy employees stocked with plenty of hair gel. I tried out a few cables on my TV, and didn’t really notice any appreciable difference between the cheap and expensive cables. There are several different ways you\’ll be able to hook up your cable/satellite box, your DVD player, and your Playstation to your TV – RGB cables, HDMI, S-Video, etc. From what I hear, HDMI is the best, but I don\’t notice a lot of difference from when I had my satellite box connected with RGB cables. Whatever – just don\’t spend a lot on cables.

They are also going to try to get you to buy an “upconverting” DVD player, which is supposed to translate your current DVDs in to high-def. I have actually been perfectly happy with my regular DVD player, and Consumer Reports said it didn’t notice much difference, either.

Regardless of what kind of HDTV you get, you’d better get used to the idea of watching a lot of your TV shows stretched out horizontally to fit the wider screen. Shows broadcast in HD don’t have this problem, but regular analog shows will. You can fix your settings so you can watch in regular 4:3 ratio format, but then you have black bars on the sides of the screen, which are apparently bad for the TV. If you see black people on your TV, do not panic – it just means you have wandered off of your local Madison newscast. A healthy dose of Eric Franke should calm your nerves.

Also, be prepared to have about 11 remote controls available at all times. I know you can program some remotes to merge with other remotes, but there\’s no remote that can take on all the functions of all your components. As a result, you will need to schedule extra confession time to make up for the extra swearing you will do when your child decides to clean the toilet with the DVD remote.

If you\’re spending that much on an HDTV, it really is worth it to spend a couple hundred extra bucks on a surround sound system. Not only is the sound great, but you can turn it up louder when your wife is yelling at you for spending a couple of hundred extra bucks on a surround sound system.

So there it is – happy shopping. If for some reason you can\’t afford a big screen TV, a more economical option is to sit about a foot away from your existing crappy television.