I hadn\’t planned on writing anything regarding immigration, but today\’s column in the Wisconsin State Journal by Susan Lampert Smith really sets a new low for pandering. In it, she tells the tale of some guy she probably just met at the \”Day Without Latinos\” march, who she probably never would have given a second thought to on any other day. But given her chance to suck up to illegal immigrants, she jumped at the chance to use this guy as her \”cause of the day.\”

Here\’s how he got to America:

At age 16, without telling his parents, he got on a bus and started north. At Nogales, on the Arizona border, he followed a group of immigrants and found himself in a store on the U.S. side of the line.

Somehow, I can\’t remember the last time, I just \”got on a bus\” and \”found myself\” in Guadalajara. In fact, this guy knowingly and consciously broke the law. In fact, he broke it at the expense of every one of his fellow countrymen that work their tails off to gain legal citizenship in America.

I would love Susan Lampert Smith to be on my side if I ever cheated on my wife (punishable by death, by the way – trust me, capital punishment exists in the York household). I imagine her column would look like this:

Without telling his wife, Dennis got on a bus and went to Pizzeria Uno. After a couple of drinks, he found himself in a waitress.

Doesn\’t sound too bad, huh?

Lampert Smith goes on:

His dream would be to travel, to learn about other cultures and work as a photographer.

Oh yeah? I have a great place for him to travel. How about Mexico?

I know, because this guy is such a stand up citizen, it means they all are. I\’m sure he was a straight A student and was someday going to cure some horribe illness like Chronic Anal Leakage (and trust me, I\’m rooting for him to hurry up with that one.) How fortunate that Susan Lampert Smith didn\’t just happen to run into a guy who beats his girlfriend with whom he has 3 illegitimate kids. I\’m sure that guy totally would have made it into her column.

I\’m not even on the far end of the spectrum with regards to illegal immigration. I understand a lot of the meals at restaurants I eat are inexpensive because the dishwashers might be paid in cash. Illegal immigrants obviously fill a need where cheap labor is necessary. But they are illegal, and I agree with proposals that would give them a drop dead date to file their papers or go back to their country of origin.

By the way, I have a theory that illegal immigrants are much better cooks than legal immigrants. Think about it – they are literally cooking for their lives. If their beans and rice stink, they could be on a bus back to their hometown. Nothing like chimichangas with a side of desperation. Delicious.

Anyway, Rich Lowry at the National Review made a great point in a column today, when he said:

Democrats opposed the ratification of the Central America Free Trade Agreement last year for fear that it would undercut American workers made to compete with cheap Latin American labor. The problem the Democrats must have had with this effect on American workers was that it was too indirect. The party now favors importing lots of that same cheap Latin American labor directly into the United States.

I would actually favor a proposal to grant amnesty to all 11 million illegal immigrants, in exchange for exporting 11 million people of my choosing. Among those people, would be:

1. Hippies

2. People who ride their bikes to work (A.K.A – \”The Spandex Mafia\”)

3. George Clooney

4. People who when a new cash register opens up and the clerk says \”who\’s next,\” walk from the BACK of the previous line and check out, even though it\’s obvious you had been waiting for 15 minutes.

5. Smelly Europeans who think they can do all the cool things white people can do just because they look like us. You can\’t trust anyone from a country that didn\’t exist when Milli Vanilli won a grammy.

6. The creator of \”Girls Gone Wild\” (but leave the girls).

7. Anyone considering selling drugs to my daughter in the future (if they don\’t give us a family discount).

8. Dr. 90210.

Even swap. Whaddya say?

SIDE NOTE: Sorry this got so long – it appears I have oral leakage, as well.

…which is exactly why I was obligated to post it.

Sent to me by a lefty pal, by the way, who should be ashamed of himself for peddling such smut.

I generally detest people who give themselves their own nicknames, so was intrigued when Rep. Frank Lasee began calling himself the \”father of TABOR\” in Wisconsin (among other things).

So my question is this: Do I get a nickname for my help in killing the tax amendment? If I do, I prefer:

\”The TABORtionist\”

High comedy, folks.

Even though I\’ve been off the market for a while now, I still think I can offer the kids some dating advice from time to time.

On Friday after work I ventured to the Shorewood Hills Copps to get some hot sauce. (It\’s a long story – I was caught on Thursday with a plate of chicken wings and no hot sauce, and I threw a fit. That fit led me to try to fry the wings, and I almost burned my house down.) And let me tell you, single guys, the Shorewood Hills Copps on Fridays are a gold mine. You would be well advised to wait until Friday to do your shopping.

So I figure you could employ a couple of different strategies here:

Strategy 1: Get a cart and put a bottle of wine, a baguette, and some flowers in it, and just walk around the store nodding at women. This signals that you already have a girlfriend, which turns you into a walking birdfeeder for women. If they think you are already attached, then it means that at least someone can tolerate you and you likely aren\’t a serial killer (or anonymous blogger). If a woman can stand you, that puts you in the top, like 8% of all men. Of course you don\’t actually buy any of the crap in your cart, you just put it all back when you\’re done making the \”pimp daddy power lap\” through the store.

Of course, if this strategy is successful, you will need a nimble back story about why you don\’t actually have a girlfriend. Something better than \”she was eaten by hyenas\” or \”she speaks to me from the beyond.\”

Strategy 2: Fill your cart with complete garbage, like pizza rolls, hot pockets, chips, Count Chocula, and beer. This is the \”cry for help\” strategy – it shows that you are completely pathetic, but you are also a diamond in the rough. Just walk through the aisles with an \”all of these different flavors of potato chips are confusing me\” look. Any man that eats nothing but junk food is just begging for a woman to come into their lives and mold them into a lovin\’ machine. You\’re like the sad puppy at the kennel just waiting to love someone. And trust me, there\’s no shortage of women anxiously awaiting the chance to tell you what to do every minute of your life.

This strategy is best employed by those not looking for a long term relationship, or those looking for a glimpse of what marriage is like.

Strategy 3: Load your cart up with \”the ultimate party pack\” – a box of condoms, two 40 ounce bottles of Mickey\’s malt liquor, and a pack of Hall\’s mentholyptus cough drops (don\’t ask – an old fraternity joke. A Google search will give you what you need). This is known as the \”swinging for the fences\” strategy, as any woman that finds this collection of sundries attractive is guaranteed to be wearing one of your t-shirts and eating cocoa puffs in your apartment at 3 AM. Of course, you can\’t go to her house, as it is most likely a meth lab. However, there is a 98% chance you will strike out (but that 2% – hold on, daddy!). Do not expect to ever see this woman again, unless it is on \”Madison\’s Most Wanted\” on the City Channel. Best to schedule an appointment at the UW Health clinic before you even go to Copps. And frame the receipt.

So go to work, guys. I\’m telling you, it\’s worth the trip. And if all of the above fail, just give Jenna a call.

\”Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better learn baseball.\”
Jacques Barzun (American Historian, 1907 – )

The Brewers are 5-0. Let me type that again, in case I am hallucinating. The Brewers are 5-0. Their magic number: 157.

This puts me in a very odd place. As a Brewer fan, I have become so accustomed to self pity and loathing, that I\’m not sure exactly how to react to the Brewers actually having a pulse. Nirvana has a song that has the refrain \”I miss the comfort in being sad.\” That is actually how I feel – my world doesn\’t make any sense anymore. Next thing you know, George Clooney will show some humility, Michael Moore will be spotted eating a salad, and there will be an oscar-winning movie about gay cowboys.

Wait, that last one happened?

In order to return to my comfort zone, I have to complain about one thing. How un-American is it for the baseball teams themselves to own the announcers that call the games? Daron Sutton seems like a fine enough guy, but his forced chipper attitude kills me. If J.J. Hardy ever turned an unassisted triple play, he might spontaneously combust in an orgasmic tornado. Think Hardy ever gets sick of Sutton asking him to join him for a drink in his hot tub after every game?

On opening day, Prince Fielder took the prestigious \”golden sobrero,\” going 0-for-4 with four strikeouts. Sutton\’s reaction? \”Prince will be happy with his day because he played great defense.\” Huh? That\’s like saying Tom DeLay will be happy with his year because he never woke up, hung over, next to Bea Arthur.

This would be like Congress owning the news networks that cover them. I mean, really – wouldn\’t Daron Sutton be a great newscaster on Al-Jazeera?

Coming to you live on Al-Jazeera, it\’s Daron Sutton with some breaking news. It appears that Saddam Hussein has just gassed about 20,000 women and children. You know what that means, people – there will be a lot less traffic on the way in to work today! Thank you, Saddam!

I realize I\’m a miserable fan, but what I want is a broadcaster that actually says what I\’m thinking during a game. I need a guy who calls the game with a noose around his neck, just waiting to jump out of the booth and end it all the next time Ben Sheets fails to get a routine bunt down.

Anyway, here are my predictions for the rest of the year:

1. Prince Fielder will get hungry and eat one of the racing sausages during the game.

2. Geoff Jenkins will break in half when wildly swinging at a two strike curveball that he misses by four feet.

3. The Devil will show up at a Brewer game to collect Brady Clark\’s soul, and replace Clark in centerfield with Heinrich Himmler. Himmler will bat .034 for the rest of the year, but still manage to be more popular than Barry Bonds.

4. Jeff Cirillo will register as a lobbyist with the state of Wisconsin. Within weeks, the legislature will pass a bill mandating Jeff Cirillo gets to play in 10% of all games this year.

5. I will take a second mortgage out on my house to be able to afford to two beers at Miller Park, which will fail to earn me Two Fisted Slobber status.

6. Paul Molitor takes \”turn back the clock\” night too literally when he runs on the field and begins snorting the left foul line.

7. Ben Sheets will spend all but two weeks on the disabled list after experiencing elbow soreness, being mauled in the parking lot by a pack of dingoes, and by contracting monkeypox after a drunken late night out with a female prairie dog.

8. Every Brewer fan will continue to quietly wonder what was so offensive about Bernie\’s chalet being a giant keg, when the team\’s name is the BREWERS.

9. American troops will eventuall find Sal Bando, who is believed to be hiding out in a cave in Hustisford.

10. Percentage of people who show up just because \”they like the sausages running\” will drop from 64% of all attendees to 61%.

11. I will lose a bar argument when I am unable to produce any evidence that Davy Lopes actually ever managed the Brewers.

12. \”Complimentary Air Rifle Night\” will prove to be the least successful promotion ever.

13. Brewers hold \”Prince Fielder for a day\” promotion, where all fans under twelve are separated from their fathers and not reunited until they hit .300 for a full season.

14. Come September Sundays, a child in Wisconsin will utter the words, \”Aw, do we have to watch the Packers? Aren\’t the Brewers on?\”

15. Final record: 162-0. And that may be pessimistic.

NOTE: This was posted minutes before Sunday\’s game started, so they may have lost before you read it. Then again, they may have won, which means Satan might want to invest in a parka.

UPDATE: Of course, my post ended up being the kiss of death (either that or I was sitting on an unlucky section of my couch), as the Crew got pasted today. I now must contradict my post and say that I don\’t feel all that great about the loss.

(Madison) A countywide manhunt is on in Dane County, as it has been learned that disgraced former Senate Majority Leader Chuck Chvala has burrowed his way through the wall of the Dane County Correctional facility to seek freedom.

It is believed that Chvala dug a hole through his wall and covered it up with a poster of Ed Garvey to conceal it from the guards. During his incarceration, Chvala always maintained his innocence, saying he believed it was actually \”some Mexican\” that actually was responsible for trading legislation for campaign contributions. However, Chvala claimed that at the time, he \”never got a really good look at they guy.\”

\”He was a cool guy,\” said fellow inmate \”Pooter Jones.\” Jones recalled the day they were blacktopping the roof of the Risser Justice Center, when Chvala negotiated three beers each for each of his coworkers. In return, all Chvala asked for was a $100 contribution to the campaign of Senator Russ Decker from each of the inmates.

During his time in prison, Chvala cozied up to the prison warden, who took a liking to the ex-state senator because of his deft skill at laundering money.

It is believed that Chvala will be joined in Zihuatanejo, Mexico by his best friend in prison, State Senator Gary George. Together, they will move to the Virgin Islands and begin filming a local buddy cop show where they play Culver\’s restaurant security.

As a warning, police have issued the following artist\’s rendering of Chvala. If you see him, do not attempt to approach him, as me may attempt to try to extort money from you in exchange for more Seniorcare funding.

From the head of the Wisconsin School Board Association, regarding the Taxpayer Protection Amendment:

After World War II, when totalitarianism was defeated in Germany and elsewhere, our decentralized democratic foundation was widely hailed and celebrated. Americans recognized that state control of schools in Germany was one clear aspect of that society that had gone in the wrong direction.

Yeah, it was state control of schools that was Problem Number One in Germany. Problem Number Two: the mindless slaughter of millions of Jews.

I was literally an hour from posting something on this, but that rat bastard Brian Fraley beat me to it. You win this one, Dailytakes.

SIDE NOTE: Problem Number Three in post WWII Germany? Hasselhoff.

Supporters of the Wisconsin Taxpayer Amendment are angry and confused. In concept, it\’s so simple: limit government growth to our ability to pay. They can\’t understand why it is so hard to get a Republican legislature to agree to that simple premise. Why on earth wouldn\’t a legislator support something favored by so many citizens?

Here\’s why:

When I read this news brief the other day, I thought of the Taxpayer Protection Amendment:

Waukesha – A 16-year-old Waukesha boy was injured while \”ghost riding\” and run over by his own sport utility vehicle, police said today. Jacob J. Vertcnik was traveling north on Avalon Drive near Sunnyside Drive when he put the vehicle in neutral and climbed onto the hood of a 1997 Ford Explorer, said Capt. Mike Babe. As he sat sideways on the hood, passenger Joshua T. Ferber, 18, also of Waukesha, thought the SUV was moving too fast on the incline and used his hand to hit the brakes, Babe said. Vertcnik then slid off the hood, fell in front of the vehicle and was run over.

Republicans are about to get run over by their own constitutional amendment.

When the TPA was first introduced on Valentine\’s day, Republican leadership was there to brag about how much work went into it, and how well thought out the whole thing was. In the two and a half months since those original press conferences, we have learned several things.

First, we learned the TPA didn\’t exclude the Miller Park stadium district, which would make it impossible to pay off the bonds earlier if needed. An amendment to the plan was immediately promised to take care of this.

Then, we learned that apparently sewerage districts are included under the revenue limits when they shouldn\’t be. The \”oversight\” was blamed on a \”drafting error.\” Of course, sewerage districts such as MMSD are subject to federal clean water requirements, yet would have to go to referendum to bond to meet these requirements. If a referendum failed, then the state would be obligated to pay for whatever upgrades the system needed. If that\’s the case, why would anyone ever vote for a referendum, if they know the work is going to be done and the rest of the state is going to be paying for it? So apparently we now have an amendment to fix that.

Then we learned that the TPA contradicted the current constitution by disequalizing school districts. In other words, the current constitution calls for districts \”as nearly uniform as practicable.\” The TPA would allow rich school districts to grow at a much faster rate than poor school districts, which directly contradicts the current equalization formula that is supposed to level the playing field for these districts. (I have hammered Senator Mike Ellis in the past, but he gets it exactly right with this column – except for his plan to \”fix\” school financing.)

Now we get a substitute amendment to TPA that is pitched as a \”technical\” amendment that makes the aforementioned changes for the Milwaukee Stadium district and changes the types of fees the legislature can exempt from the revenue limits. Tucked deep within this amendment, however, is this change on page 10, line 22:

(12) This section takes precedence over any other provision of this constitution that conflicts with this section.

Folks, this is getting ridiculous. That one sentence completely flips the entire system of funding schools on its head. It would turn the TPA not only into a constitutional amendment, but an \”uber-amendment\” that crushes other constitutional provisions in its way. Think of it as the Optimus Prime of constitutional provisions. The more this thing is amended, the worse it gets. (But wait – today we are told that it has another – what else? – \”drafting error,\” which will be fixed in yet another flurry of amendments. Who is drafting this thing, Stevie Wonder?)

If that amendment were enacted, we would have conflicting provisions in the state constitution. Instead of having the stones to repeal the constitutional provision guaranteeing equality of educational opportunity, the bill\’s authors have instead decided to forever disequalize school districts by tucking this line into the bill. Instead of dealing directly with the problem, it takes the easy way out and solves the problem like a third grader would. This is constitutional amendment by \”rock, paper, scissors.\”

None of these problems with the TPA, of course, are \”conservative\” or \”liberal\” problems. They just deal with the way money flows through state government and fairness in how it is spent. I know the message of the TPA is simple (keep taxes down), but the actual details are extremely problematic.

For instance, let\’s say fishing becomes big in Wisconsin one year. Fishing license applications go up 50%. I would think most people who fish are fine with their license money being spent on habitat, restocking fish, wardens, and other things related to fishing. In fact, under current law, that is how those funds have to be spent.

Under the TPA, the excess money generated by those licenses would be problematic. If the state wanted to keep that money, they would have to reduce revenues in other areas (schools, Medicaid, etc.) in order to be able to spend it on fishing. Or they could send the money back to all the state\’s taxpayers (at a substantial cost), regardless of whether they fish or not. If they didn\’t, that excess revenue would go into an emergency fund, which would then be spent somewhere down the road on roads or aids to local governments or elsewhere. Is that why you pay for a fishing license?

Essentially, whether you get Medical Assistance will depend on how many people went fishing that year or how many miles were driven by Wisconsin motorists. Whether we can build another prison will hinge on how many driver\’s licenses or parking tickets are issued. Different funds are raised by the state in different ways and used for different purposes. The TPA would put them all under the same tent and force them to all even out. The problem is, if you exempt licenses from the TPA, they would skyrocket to fund programs currently supported by general purpose revenue. So what do you do?

Again, not a conservative or liberal problem – just a problem of how money flows through the government. If more people drive next year and gas tax revenue goes up, do we stick all that money in an emergency fund to pay for schools? Do we send everyone a check for the money, whether they drive or not? These are all questions that have to be answered.

The TPA would also be a prescription for budget tricks. If revenue is restricted, there is nothing to keep the state from pushing a couple hundred millions\’ worth of school aid payments into the next biennium to match up the books. This, of course, would cause enormous structural deficits in perpetuity, as the state watched its bond rating sink. This wouldn\’t happen if we had upstanding and honest legislators, but it appears that we are working off the presumption that they are all incompetent crooks anyway, so why give them any credit now?

In the wake of this week\’s Iraq withdrawal referendums, the same people that argue for TPA are doing verbal gymnastics trying to explain
how those votes don\’t really reflect the will of Wisconsin residents. Yet when referendums are going to be held all over the state on local budgeting decisions (which the TPA would require), those same people argue that those results will be exactly reflective of the \”will of the people.\”

Trust me folks, I am on board with lower taxes and less spending. It kills me to point this stuff out. I can and will make the case repeatedly that low taxes spur economic development, which raises income and increases revenue to the state, guaranteeing that all these programs will be funded. And our taxes are too high, and not by a little bit. But if I knew about all these problems and kept them to myself, I would be doing a disservice to my eight regular readers.

Democrats have completely dropped the ball on this, too. They continue to weave the sob stories of local governments and school districts that are \”cut to the bone\” and that can\’t possibly function if you restrict their growth. This, of course, is all nonsense, and the public doesn\’t buy it. Governments will do just fine under the theory of a revenue limit, it just needs to be crafted in such a way that is workable and understandable.

Of course, the first draft of TABOR appeared seven years ago. Perhaps the eighth year of changes will be the magical year. The easiest way to take care of all of this? Elect Mark Green as Governor. And if the TPA were a stock, your best bet would be to put in a \”sell\” order.

What in the hell is the purpose of this?

Did Jesus walk on water? Or ice?
Scientist says Sea of Galilee could have had frozen patches in Jesus\’ day

Rare conditions could have conspired to create hard-to-see ice on the Sea of Galilee that a person could have walked on back when Jesus is said to have walked on water, a scientist reported Tuesday.

The study, which examines a combination of favorable water and environmental conditions, proposes that Jesus could have walked on an isolated patch of floating ice on what is now known as Lake Kinneret in northern Israel…

\”We simply explain that unique freezing processes probably happened in that region only a handful of times during the last 12,000 years,\” said Doron Nof, a Florida State University professor of oceanography. \”We leave to others the question of whether or not our research explains the biblical account.\”

The headline for this story is all wrong. It should be \”Florida State Professor Steals Money from Taxpayers.\” Seriously – this guy should wear a black ski mask to work.

Does he actually think he is solving some centuries-long debate here? Does he believe the Bible is to be taken literally? Does he think Jesus just did the \”walking on water\” bit to win a bar bet? (No way, Christ – five bucks says you can\’t!\”) The next Florida State study we\’ll probably see is \”Fraudulent Jesus believed to be using a Jet-Ski,\” or \”Jesus\’ feast of fish for Bethsaida actually catered by Long John Silver\’s.\”

Let\’s get Oprah\’s book club on the case:

Oprah: \”Jesus, in the Bible you say you walked on water. But an inconsequential professor at a Top 5 party school says you may have been fibbing. What do you have to say for yourself?\”

Christ: \”I need a new manager. Pat Robertson is so fired!\”

This just in: Moses didn\’t actually speak to a flaming bush. In fact, the bush was believed to be gay.

For those Attorney General candidates looking for a common sense corrections plan, look no further than our old friend, The Kid From Brooklyn.

Never has such sense been made. The job of Secretary of Corrections for the Green Administration has now been filled.

Warning – language not suitable for work, unless you happen to work in a prison yourself.

(Madison) – In news that shocked both state government observers and members of the genital hair community, Governor Jim Doyle has been found to be trading campaign cash for valuable state contracts. Sources say that that Doyle awarded the state bikini waxing contract to his personal hair removal service, \”Eddie\’s Landing Strip\” in Boscobel.

The bikini waxing contract has become lucrative due to Doyle\’s recent initiative to provide free bikini waxing to the poor and homeless. In his State of the State address, Doyle announced the creation of \”BikiniCare,\” saying \”it is time that the poor have access to all the accoutrements that rich people do – except, of course in irrelevant areas such as public education.\”

Doyle reportedly accepted a check for one gazillion dollars in February, when he went in for his pre-spring break wax job. The service preceded a gubernatorial \”trade mission\” to Cancun, where Doyle sampled many of the delicious tequilas for possible import to Wisconsin. When he returned last week, Doyle noticed he had 237 new phone numbers programmed in his phone and can\’t remember entering a single one. He also returned with a \”Ludacris 4-ever\” tattoo and a mysterious rash.

When contacted for comment via cell phone, Secretary of Administration William Bablitch said, \”Yeeeeeeeeeow!,\” adding, \”son of a bitch that hurts!\”

\”This deal stinks to high heaven\” said gonad hair-removal expert and president of Common Cause Jay Heck. Heck unveiled his new plan to keep large checks from corrupting the political system. \”From now on, checks must be under one foot by three feet in size,\” said Heck.

Gubernatorial challenger Mark Green immediately took advantage of the revelation, vowing to remain hairy until after the election. Green challenged Doyle to sign a \”truth in grooming\” pledge, which would cap the amount of hair removal by each candidate.

A conversation from the York household this weekend, involving me, my wife, and my three year old daughter:

Me (to daughter): Come here and let me pull your pants up, honey – your butt crack is showing.

Daughter (laughing): BUTT CRACK! BUTT CRACK! BUTT CRACK!

Me: Honey, stop that before your mother hears you:

Daughter: BUTT CRACK! BUTT CRACK! BUTT CRACK!

Me: SHHHH!!!!

Wife (entering room): You got her to say it, now get her to stop.

Me (trying to change topic): Okay, honey – go tell your mother that you love her.

Daughter (hugging mommy): I love you, Buttcrack.

Wife (to me): Get your blanket, you\’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

I can\’t think of anything that I have seen that is more simultaneously horrifying and awesome:

Contrast this with the parents at Toys \’R Us this weekend that were making their kids wear helmets while they were trying out tricycles in the store.

H/T: Aaron

(Milwaukee) – French royalty Jerry Lewis today announced he would be holding a special telethon to benefit society\’s least fortunate member, Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker. In March of 2006, Walker was diagnosed with a terminal case of a terrible campaign. \”No human should have to go through the injustice of being told that they can\’t be Governor of Wisconsin,\” said Lewis. \”Forcing him to go back to his crappy job of representing 600,000 people is almost inhumane,\” said Lewis. \”Wisconsin residents are now stuck with a GOP candidate who can actually win,\” moped Lewis.

The telethon was called in part due to Walker supporters wailing about his unfair treatment during the campaign. \”Walker deserves a purple heart for his decision not to make baseless and mean-spirited personal attacks against his opponent,\” said supporter James Wallace. \”Just like I deserve credit for going home every night and not calling my wife a dirty whore,\” said Wallace. Wallace\’s dirty whore wife was not available for comment.

Despite being unable to carry on with the campaign, Walker still manages to muster up the strength to respond to bloggers\’ criticisms of his campaign. \”That shows the type of thick skin that would have made him an excellent chief executive,\” said talk show host Mark Belling. \”The fact that he is willing to clarify his positions when nobody gives a damn anymore shows a never say die attitude,\” said Belling. Belling also pointed to Walker completely screwing up the announcement of his withdrawal as proof he had what it takes to lead our state. \”If you can\’t trust the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel with a secret, who can you trust?\” said Belling.

Yesterday, Congressman Mark Green announced a groundbreaking deal with Walker. In return for Walker withdrawing from the campaign, Green agreed to appoint Walker to the newly created position of \”The Guy I Beat.\”

Check out this state law, which describes the types of weapons that individuals under the age of 18 are prohibited from carrying:

948.60 Possession of a dangerous weapon by a person under 18.

948.60(1) (1) In this section, \”dangerous weapon\” means anyfirearm, loaded or unloaded; any electric weapon, as defined in s. 941.295 (4); metallic knuckles or knuckles of any substance which could be put to the same use with the same or similar effect as metallic knuckles; a nunchaku or any similar weapon consisting of 2 sticks of wood, plastic or metal connected at one end by a length of rope, chain, wire or leather; a cestus or similar material weighted with metal or other substance and worn on the hand; a shuriken or any similar pointed star-like object intended to injure a person when thrown; or a manrikigusari or similar length of chain having weighted ends.

First of all, for those of you who don\’t know what a cestus is, here\’s a picture:

So for those of you planning on starting a fight with an ancient Roman, watch your ass. Or those of you planning on throwing blows at Caesar\’s Palace.

Secondly, what is with all the dorky weapons references? Are the state\’s bill drafters big Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts? Did they put down the 12 sided dice long enough to draft up this law? Should we dictate how many hit points are given to a victim being attacked by a \”shuriken or any similar pointed star-like object?\”

Am I allowed to assault someone if I am a \”Skull Legion Mercenary\” or an \”Orish Warbringer?\” (loosely translated to English as \”Dateless Masturbator.\”)