Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

No More Need for the Silly "Bible"

What in the hell is the purpose of this?

Did Jesus walk on water? Or ice?
Scientist says Sea of Galilee could have had frozen patches in Jesus\’ day

Rare conditions could have conspired to create hard-to-see ice on the Sea of Galilee that a person could have walked on back when Jesus is said to have walked on water, a scientist reported Tuesday.

The study, which examines a combination of favorable water and environmental conditions, proposes that Jesus could have walked on an isolated patch of floating ice on what is now known as Lake Kinneret in northern Israel…

\”We simply explain that unique freezing processes probably happened in that region only a handful of times during the last 12,000 years,\” said Doron Nof, a Florida State University professor of oceanography. \”We leave to others the question of whether or not our research explains the biblical account.\”

The headline for this story is all wrong. It should be \”Florida State Professor Steals Money from Taxpayers.\” Seriously – this guy should wear a black ski mask to work.

Does he actually think he is solving some centuries-long debate here? Does he believe the Bible is to be taken literally? Does he think Jesus just did the \”walking on water\” bit to win a bar bet? (No way, Christ – five bucks says you can\’t!\”) The next Florida State study we\’ll probably see is \”Fraudulent Jesus believed to be using a Jet-Ski,\” or \”Jesus\’ feast of fish for Bethsaida actually catered by Long John Silver\’s.\”

Let\’s get Oprah\’s book club on the case:

Oprah: \”Jesus, in the Bible you say you walked on water. But an inconsequential professor at a Top 5 party school says you may have been fibbing. What do you have to say for yourself?\”

Christ: \”I need a new manager. Pat Robertson is so fired!\”

This just in: Moses didn\’t actually speak to a flaming bush. In fact, the bush was believed to be gay.

1 Comment

  1. Barnsley-Freeads

    April 18, 2006 at 5:00 am

    If you want a seriosly good laugh watch these hillariously funny videos Good Time

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