Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: November 2007 (page 1 of 2)

The GOP YouTube Debate – Recap

November 29, 2007 / / 0 Comments
Under normal circumstances, I’d rather staple my lips to a zamboni machine than watch another GOP debate.

However, I can\’t find my stapler (or my zamboni machine), so I decided to watch the YouTube debate between the Republican presidential contenders. Naturally, debate organizers think that there’s this untapped resource of deep, insightful questions amongst the American populous. In actuality, there are only three questions Americans regularly ask themselves:

1. Where are my shoes?
2. Why isn’t Natalie Portman answering my letters?
3. What was Wendy’s thinking with those commercials?

And that’s pretty much it.

So here are my observations of the debate. Some good, some… eh.

\"\"Charlie Crist of Florida is introduced as the “nation’s most popular governor.” In fact, in Florida, Crist only trails methamphetamine in popularity. His fake tan confuses Tom Tancredo, who immediately calls the INS to come pick him up.

CNN plays a montage of questions that won’t be asked, in an attempt to convey some sense of false dignity to the program. Basically, they are saying “because we’re not using a video of a guy in a bear suit playing the bongos, you should take these questions seriously.” I refuse this invitation.

Ah, Chuck Norris is at the debate. Or, should I say – the debate is at Chuck Norris?

We’re off to a rousing start, as the first video features some dope playing his guitar. Everyone on stage pretends to enjoy this nonsense, while all of America prays for the little red time bar to move faster. He takes a shot at Mitt Romney, who grits his teeth while simultaneously plotting the guy\’s death.

Giuliani gets the first question from a sweaty, meaty fellow from NYC who accused him of running a \”sanctuary city.\” Giuliani and Romney trade accusations about who is more of an immigrant lover, and Romney takes a swing at Rudy when Giuliani accuses him of being a former member of Menudo. Rudy looks rattled, and Romney claims he has never even seen “The George Lopez Show.” Actually, Rudy accuses Romney of having illegal immigrants working in his mansion. No, really. That actually happened.

Another anti-illegal immigrant video from a member of Molly Hatchet. The question goes to Fred Thompson, who in high-definition looks 30% more like a living person. John McCain says he doesn’t support amnesty, but also claims that he knows a lot of people whose last names end in “z.”

Tancredo gets a shot at answering an immigration question – courting the crucial “guys who are afraid of their daughters dating a Mexican” vote. He criticizes both illegal and legal immigration. Says there aren’t any jobs Americans refuse to do. Except, apparently, be a campaign volunteer for Tom Tancredo.

Duncan Hunter brags that in California, he built a “double border” fence. This would be more impressive if there were alligators with lasers strapped to their heads in between the \”double fence.\” He then makes the crucial mistake of messing with Texas, challenging them to build a “triple border fence.”

Huckabee is asked a question about why he supported a program to give scholarships to the children of illegal immigrants. He answers with an allegory about how he himself, as an illegal immigrant, worked his way through college.

\"\"To this point, the entire debate has been nothing but a test of who can be the toughest on immigration. We should just settle this once and for all, pull out the ruler and have a “manhood” measuring contest. I would actually give more credit to any candidate that could figure out a way to deport the Osmonds.

Ah, we finally get to hear from internet fundraising sensation Ron Paul. Actually, before the debate, it was reported that Paul’s prodigious fundraising totals were revoked as the result of a mixup with his solicitation e-mails. On the one hand, Paul now has no chance at winning the nomination. On the other hand, all of his supporters now have LaRGer peN!sEs.

Paul gets the chance to talk about one of his theories about the “tri-lateral commission,” in which the Death Star is conspiring with the International League of Justice to undermine America’s sovereignty (and make us watch the WNBA). This question moves quickly.

Someone asks a question about debt. McCain boasts that he will use a pen Ronald Reagan gave him to veto pork. Unfortunately, he carries his bragging too far, saying he would wear a jock strap given to him by Barry Goldwater while fighting excessive spending.

Next up, a question about federal spending from a hot chick on a webcam in Los Angeles. Confused, Fred Thompson pulls out his credit card.

In response to this question, the candidates take turns giving examples of programs they’d cut. Surprisingly, nobody takes a shot at FEMA, which seems like the most obvious piñata. (Wait – did I just say \”pinata?\” Hold on – I think the INS is at my door…)

John McCain goes after Ron Paul on the war, which causes all the commissioned Jedis in the audience to boo. It’s actually refreshing to see Paul contribute something to the race – as a punching bag for McCain. It’s safe to say that Ron Paul will not be heading up the Department of Crazy in the McCain administration.

Duncan Hunter said “Ronald Reagan.” Drink!

Romney answers a question about ethanol subsidies by saying he wants to avoid a food shortage. Since, of course, our children are suffering from just not having enough food to eat. This exposes Romney as a hypocrite, as he personally is causing a shortage in Just for Men hair coloring products.

Rudy Giuliani is asked about a scandal that has rocked his campaign – the fact that he held on to his horrifying combover until just last year.

We start with the candidate videos. Tom Tancredo inexplicably believes taking on Geraldo is like taking on Hillary Clinton. Aside from their thick, flowing mustaches, what’s the similarity between the two?

A question is asked about poisonous toys from China. Duncan Hunter says the Chinese can keep Audrey Raines in return for safe toys.

McCain’s video apparently was put together by a team of people who had to look at the instruction manual of their computers to figure out how to turn it on. Truly horrible.

The candidates are asked question about guns from a nut. Hey, another question about guns. How about that – another question on guns from a nut. Oh, by the way – has CNN told you that Republicans like to sho
ot guns? Well, they do!

The candidates then get a serious question about black on black crime from a father and son. Mitt Romney explains how he’s going to make sure that more families stay together. Of course, this hypothetical government program to keep families together is almost as horrifying as the problem it seeks to correct.

The crime question is a softball for Giuliani, who is itching to talk about his record as mayor. In fact, as mayor, he brags that reduced al-Qaeda related plane crashes into New York buildings by 100% in one year. Romney rebuts by saying he increased funding for DNA tests, yet my request to provide Jessica Alba with a DNA sample apparently has yet to be processed.

Ron Paul gets a question about abortion and talks about his career as an obstetrician. This means Ron Paul has seen more female genitalia than all of his supporters combined.

Giuliani strangely keeps calling Roe v. Wade “Roe Against Wade,” as if it were some sitcom debuting in CBS’ fall lineup.

A twitchy guy with a mini-beard asks the candidates if they believe the Bible literally. Giuliani says he doesn’t believe Jonah was in the belly of the whale. Ironically, the next video was from Jonah actually in the belly of the whale asking for help getting the hell out.

This question, of course, is ridiculously easy for Mike Huckabee, who’s a Baptist minister. It would be like asking Mitt Romney about hair care products. Speaking of Romney, his video is up next – and it appears that his greatest qualification for being President is that he’s exceptionally adept at rolling up his shirt sleeves.

The candidates are asked what they are going to do to better the image of America in the world. My suggestion: America should start wearing better-fitting clothes that draw the eye away from its trouble areas. And maybe wear nicer shoes.

The candidates are asked to weigh in on torture. While some of them seem sincere, none of them are willing to outlaw torture as a tool – which means terrorists will continue to be forced to watch more Republican candidate debates.

McCain answers a question about how much authority he would give his Vice President by saying he wants his VP to have expertise in a number of areas – telecommunications, gardening, operating a HAM radio, rollerblading, quilting, pilates, the periodic table, knifeplay, Excel, archery, fire safety…

There’s a question about gays in the military. Mitt Romney is challenged on a quote he gave in 1994 where he expressed hope that at some point in time gays could serve in the military, but almost falls off the stage backtracking – saying “now’s not the time.” Somewhere in America, the gay guy that was planning on voting for Romney just turned off his television in disgust.

CNN then allows the questioner to lecture the candidates for two minutes about how wrong they are, which leads to an uncomfortable scene where audience members catcall him, forcing him to stop talking and sit down. I anxiously await the next Democratic debate, when CNN allows an audience member to harangue the candidates for two minutes on abortion.

Romney said “Reagan.” Drink!

Huckabee says he’d be open to expanding the space program. This is good news, as we may finally be able to re-connect Dennis Kucinich with his family.

Rudy Giuliani lists kicking hundreds of thousands of African-Americans off welfare as a reason more blacks should vote for him. While there’s no doubt that welfare reform is a positive development, the following sequence of words have never been uttered: \”You mean I now have to work for all these benefits? How do I vote for you again?\”

Ron Paul doesn\’t know if he\’s going to run as an independent, but he says he went to a party once where there were a lot of \”blacks\” and \”hispanics.\” Honestly, Ron Paul is more likely to pour jello down his pants than make a relevant point in one of these debates.

Obviously, there was more covered than just what\’s in this seat-of-the-pants post. For a full listing of questions and answers, go here.

In summary, I don\’t think anyone distinguished themselves. My mind\’s still not made up on which candidate I\’m going to support. I just hope Ron Paul can set me up with some HoRNy HouSEWiveZZZ.

Do We Need More “Public” Interest Legislation?

November 28, 2007 / / 1 Comment

Often times, you hear legislation derided as being a “special interest” bill.  Implied in that designation is the notion that the public is left out of writing new laws, with only high-priced lobbyists having access to legislators.  Recent news stories about “the public” make factcat special interests seem a lot more sympathetic.

According a recent Scripps Howard/Ohio University national poll, nearly two-thirds of Americans believe the U.S. Government ignored specific warnings about 9/11.  (A 2006 poll by the same researchers found that 36 percent of Americans believe federal government officials “either assisted in the 9/11 attacks or took no action” because they wanted “to go to war in the Middle East.”) Furthermore, 42% Americans think the government knew about the assassination of John F. Kennedy in advance, and 37% of Americans believe the government knows that UFOs are real.  They must have polled the entire Jetson family.

More concerning are the results of the poll dealing with economics.  According to the poll, eight out of 10 Americans suspect oil companies are conspiring to keep fuel prices high and 50 percent said a conspiracy is “very likely.” Only 14 percent felt it was unlikely.

So companies trying to charge as much as they can as long as people still buy their product is a “conspiracy?”  If so, then oil companies are a “conspiracy” in the same way that old people selling lawn elves on eBay are.  Maybe we should investigate them – how dare they try to get the best price for their product!

This poll was followed by news of a brawl in a Waukesha K-Mart , where people applying for a $4,000 line of credit thought they were getting “free money.”  Apparently not knowing what “credit” is, the store was flooded with applicants thinking they were getting free cash – causing a fight that led to arrests and hospitalization for a store employee.  (Do yourself a favor and watch the video clips attached to the story linked above – one credit applicant says she was caught in a “trampede.”)

However, before we criticize the people who though credit was free money, the whole K-Mart debacle isn’t all that different from the way Wisconsin state government has treated debt.  The Governor and Legislature have increasingly been using the state’s credit card to fund ongoing state operations – the equivalent of taking out a second mortgage to throw a pizza party.  So, in theory, K-Mart shoppers may be more fiscally conservative than state government.  They are shopping at K-Mart, after all.  The only difference is that when the state lines up for “free money,” it doesn’t result in a floor covered in hair and earrings.

Whether it’s voters or elected officials, there’s plenty of education about economics that has to occur. In the case of voters, these are the people that are asked to vote in referendums to determine how much debt school districts should incur to build a new school. Maybe school districts should just go to K-Mart: it is free money, after all.

——————————————————————–

Further evidence that even elected officials often don’t get it can be found in this article about the dispute between cable companies and the NFL Network.  The two entities have yet to reach agreement on carrying the network, which is leaving many Packer fans in the dark for the important Dallas game on Thursday night.  When asked for comment, Governor Doyle’s spokesman, Matt Canter, said “Both the cable companies and the NFL are making ridiculous profits, and this is nothing more than extortion from Packers fans.”

There is nothing Doyle’s spokespeople won’t blame on “ridiculous profits,” whether it’s oil companies, hospitals, drug companies, or cable companies.  Perhaps Canter missed this article from just last week that shows cable companies are hemorrhaging customers, in large part because of their impasse with sports-related stations.  If Matt Canter fell out of his bed, it’s likely he’d blame it on the “ridiculous profits” of mattress companies. 

Any time government gets to decide what an appropriate profit margin is, it spells big trouble for business and jobs.  Meanwhile, state government doesn’t seem the least bit bashful about cashing in on “ridiculous profits” when revenue increases between 7% and 10% – a common occurence in the 1990s.  That money is coming out of the same pockets as people who subscribe to cable television service – only paying the state is mandatory.

Do We Need More \”Public\” Interest Legislation?

November 28, 2007 / / 1 Comment

Often times, you hear legislation derided as being a \”special interest\” bill.  Implied in that designation is the notion that the public is left out of writing new laws, with only high-priced lobbyists having access to legislators.  Recent news stories about \”the public\” make factcat special interests seem a lot more sympathetic.

According a recent Scripps Howard/Ohio University national poll, nearly two-thirds of Americans believe the U.S. Government ignored specific warnings about 9/11.  (A 2006 poll by the same researchers found that 36 percent of Americans believe federal government officials \”either assisted in the 9/11 attacks or took no action\” because they wanted \”to go to war in the Middle East.\”) Furthermore, 42% Americans think the government knew about the assassination of John F. Kennedy in advance, and 37% of Americans believe the government knows that UFOs are real.  They must have polled the entire Jetson family.

More concerning are the results of the poll dealing with economics.  According to the poll, eight out of 10 Americans suspect oil companies are conspiring to keep fuel prices high and 50 percent said a conspiracy is \”very likely.\” Only 14 percent felt it was unlikely.

So companies trying to charge as much as they can as long as people still buy their product is a \”conspiracy?\”  If so, then oil companies are a \”conspiracy\” in the same way that old people selling lawn elves on eBay are.  Maybe we should investigate them – how dare they try to get the best price for their product!

This poll was followed by news of a brawl in a Waukesha K-Mart , where people applying for a $4,000 line of credit thought they were getting \”free money.\”  Apparently not knowing what \”credit\” is, the store was flooded with applicants thinking they were getting free cash – causing a fight that led to arrests and hospitalization for a store employee.  (Do yourself a favor and watch the video clips attached to the story linked above – one credit applicant says she was caught in a \”trampede.\”)

However, before we criticize the people who though credit was free money, the whole K-Mart debacle isn\’t all that different from the way Wisconsin state government has treated debt.  The Governor and Legislature have increasingly been using the state\’s credit card to fund ongoing state operations – the equivalent of taking out a second mortgage to throw a pizza party.  So, in theory, K-Mart shoppers may be more fiscally conservative than state government.  They are shopping at K-Mart, after all.  The only difference is that when the state lines up for \”free money,\” it doesn\’t result in a floor covered in hair and earrings.

Whether it\’s voters or elected officials, there\’s plenty of education about economics that has to occur. In the case of voters, these are the people that are asked to vote in referendums to determine how much debt school districts should incur to build a new school. Maybe school districts should just go to K-Mart: it is free money, after all.

——————————————————————–

Further evidence that even elected officials often don\’t get it can be found in this article about the dispute between cable companies and the NFL Network.  The two entities have yet to reach agreement on carrying the network, which is leaving many Packer fans in the dark for the important Dallas game on Thursday night.  When asked for comment, Governor Doyle\’s spokesman, Matt Canter, said \”Both the cable companies and the NFL are making ridiculous profits, and this is nothing more than extortion from Packers fans.\”

There is nothing Doyle\’s spokespeople won\’t blame on \”ridiculous profits,\” whether it\’s oil companies, hospitals, drug companies, or cable companies.  Perhaps Canter missed this article from just last week that shows cable companies are hemorrhaging customers, in large part because of their impasse with sports-related stations.  If Matt Canter fell out of his bed, it\’s likely he\’d blame it on the \”ridiculous profits\” of mattress companies. 

Any time government gets to decide what an appropriate profit margin is, it spells big trouble for business and jobs.  Meanwhile, state government doesn\’t seem the least bit bashful about cashing in on \”ridiculous profits\” when revenue increases between 7% and 10% – a common occurence in the 1990s.  That money is coming out of the same pockets as people who subscribe to cable television service – only paying the state is mandatory.

More Constituent Tomfoolery

November 27, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Yesterday, I wrote a post about some of the crazy constituent letters we used to get when I worked in the legislature. Here\’s another one worth reading – and remember, every time you pay your taxes, some of it goes to try to help families like this:

Page One
Page Two

(Again, click the magnifying glass on the top right of the image to read it more easily.)

And despite the entertainment value, it gets a lot scarier when you realize we got letters like this all the time.

Rulez of the Road

November 27, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Hello Everyone,

I know it\’s been awhile since I last rapped at ya, but it\’s been terribly busy lately at the Shuffhausen Clinic in Vienna. Between work and Thanksgiving travel, I’ve had plenty of time recently to ruminate about things other motorists do that make me wish I had a hood-mounted cannon on the ol’ Shuffhausenmobile. In the interest of beating the Top Ten motif to death, here is my list of the ten most obnoxious people you see on the road and how they should be punished. As a handy reference, you may wish to just paste a copy of following post on your dashboard.

The Offender: The “Thank You” Wave Forgetter
Setting the Scene: You are leaving a packed parking lot after a sporting event and cars are funneling down into the one main lane out. Being the polite person that you are, you allow someone to jump in line in front of you. The problem is he doesn’t acknowledge your good deed with a wave, smile or even a head nod. This is incredibly poor form.
Appropriate Punishment: Since the ingrate is now right in front of you, turn your brights on and keep them on until you are out of the parking lot.

The Offender: The “Lane Closed Ahead” Sign Ignorer
Setting the Scene: Since his time is much more important than everyone else’s, this guy thinks it\’s OK for him to skip ahead of 40 other cars who actually obeyed the sign and moved over. Sadly, someone ALWAYS lets this boor in.
Appropriate Punishment: Under no circumstances should this motorist be allowed to cut in. You must ram this offender into the rail when he tries making his move into the line. If I ran the world, the cost to repair any damage your car incurred while nudging Lane-Closed-Ahead-Sign-Ignorers off the road would be paid out of their insurance. Plus you would be given a $500 reward for your service to humanity.

The Offender: The Intersection Blocker
Setting the Scene: It’s bumper to bumper traffic with cars just creeping through green lights. Instead of waiting to make sure he can get all the way through, this guy gets stuck in the middle of the intersection after the light turns red and now he’s blocking traffic in the other direction.
Appropriate Punishment: Since everyone in their cars is stuck, pedestrians need to pick up the slack here and give the Intersection Blocker a pressed ham until he can get his car out of the intersection.

The Offender: The Ambulance Pull-Over Place-Hopper
Setting the Scene: The rule is as such: after everyone pulls over for a passing ambulance, everyone resumes his place in traffic. The Place-Hopper uses this opportunity to dangerously try jumping ahead a few spots.
Appropriate Punishment: Since his NASCAR-style moves will have gained him two whole car lengths by the time you hit the next traffic light, you’ll see him again. Hop out of your car at the light and give him the ol’ banana in the tailpipe bit Axel Foley-style.

The Offender: The Too-Late Left Turn Signaler.
Setting the Scene: Bear with me on this one. You are on a busy four-lane (two in each direction) city street. Up ahead are stop lights. At the intersection, cars in the left lane may turn left or keep going straight and cars in the right lane may turn right or keep straight. There are ten cars in the right lane and only one car in the left lane. You want to go straight. The car in the left lane does not have on his blinker so he must be going straight too, right? You choose the left lane. The light turns green and NOW he decides to put the turn signal on. Meanwhile, you are watching the ten cars on your right whiz past and you don’t even get through the intersection.
Appropriate Punishment: When you are in this situation, grab whatever is available and expendable (spare change, empty beer can) and throw it hard at this guy’s rear window.

The Offender: The Two-Parking Space Taker-Upper
Appropriate Punishment: Dig your keys into the hood of his car and carve the lyrics of your favorite Michael Bolton song.

The Offender: The F.I.B.
Setting the Scene: The next time you see some maniac tail-gaiting, swerving in and out of lanes and going 90 on the Interstate, look at the plates. I guarantee you the guy is from Illinois.
Appropriate Punishment: The Preemptive Middle Finger. Just flip off all Illinois drivers the minute you see them. They are about to do something rude or dangerous any minute anyway. Giving them the bird now just saves time.

The Offender: The Bicyclist
Setting the Scene: A member of the spandex mafia is doing 15 mph in a 25 zone in the middle of the lane right in front of you. He demands equal respect and lane space yet he feels quite comfortable creeping at a snail’s pace and ignoring red lights.
Appropriate Punishment: Being a dumb outfit-wearing, self-righteous bicyclist is its own punishment. Either he is a radical environmentalist who is “thinking globally and acting locally” or an insufferable health nut. Just know that your sheer presence in an automobile galls him either way. Plus he stinks like sweat all day.

The Offender: The Well-Meaning Crosswalk Recognizer
Setting the Scene: You are standing at the crosswalk waiting for a chance to dart across a busy three-lane, one-way street. One motorist slams on his brakes and motions for you to cross. Meanwhile, every other car is zooming by. The Well-Meaning Crosswalk Recognizer gives you a puzzled look and is clearly wondering why you aren’t crossing when he is trying to let you.
Appropriate Punishment: This person wins points for trying to be nice and technically even obeying the letter of the law, but he loses points for his lack of awareness. He’s about to get rear-ended any second by the car behind him and that will be punishment enough.

Savvy Trousers readers (and first graders) will notice now that my list is finished yet I only delivered nine out of my promised ten. That is where you come in, dear reader. Submit your favorite driver pet peeve in the comments section. I’ll choose my favorite and it shall round out the top ten.

Your Friends and Neighbors

November 26, 2007 / / 0 Comments

One of the true joys of working in a state legislative office is reading some of the mail constituents send in to try to get their family members out of jail. No matter what their relative did, it can\’t be bad enough to justify going to prison. Plus, the judge is obviously biased. And likely is a cross-dresser. And on and on it goes.

I remember getting a letter from a guy sitting in prison who had been sentenced for having sex with a nine-year old girl. In the letter, he tried to convice us that sexual assault of a minor shouldn\’t be a felony, because it was consensual. He said that with television and the internet these days, nine year old girls are more mature – that nine today is like eighteen a few years ago. I dropped the letter out of my hands and onto the floor, it was so repulsive. Of course, it immediately went into the office \”creepy constituent hall of fame.\” (When I find my scanned copy, I\’ll post it.)

Another office passed this gem on to me, in which a girl demands her brother be taken off the sex offender list immediately:

Well truth be told, I don\’t care WHAT these people think about how intelligent I am, I have something I need to say on behalf of myself, my mother, my family, my brother and all those men out there labeled Sex Offendrs that have lost their lives because when they were in high school motivated by sexual tension, peer pressure, emotional highs and the need to be accepted, they experimented with SEX… or rather, they experimented with Rape…

I am not blind to the fact that there are men out there doomed by their sickness to find children to prey on, but my brother is not one of them. My brother, has been in jail since he was 17 years old because his raging teenage hormones got the best of him and so did the state. He\’s being punished for being a teenager.

Got that? \”Experimenting with rape\” is just a part of \”being a teenager.\” Much in the way Osama bin Laden \”experimented with Jihad\” in high school. (I\’d love to see his high school yearbook, where his classmates picked him \”most likely to start a holy war.\”)

Of course, it\’s natural to want to try to help either yourself or family members. But that doesn\’t mean it\’s not repulsive for the rest of us who managed to avoid experimenting with rape in high school.

At some point, a reporter should start randomly calling offices to collect some of their favorite constituent letters. It would amaze the public to know the types of things people write to their legislators (teachers mentioning the legislator\’s school-aged children by name, for example) and the types of things they expect their elected officials to fix for them. (I remember one Assembly office being contacted by a woman who said she had termites in her home. When asked why she didn\’t call an exterminator, the woman said \”my termite problem is way too serious for an exterminator.\”)

These are the people that live among us. And their stories are all sitting there, in legislative office constituent files.

(Incidentally, if any staffers want to send me some of their best letters, I\’ll be happy to post them.)

UPDATE: The crazy constituent letters are rolling in. Click on the magnifying glass if they\’re hard to read. Here are two from a constituent named \”Vern:\”

Letter One
Letter Two

And here\’s one from \”Ed\” (the highlight of which is his CC: list)

Page One
Page Two

For another gem, see this post above.

Me and WisconsinEye Are Going to Fight

November 25, 2007 / / 0 Comments

So last week I wrote my little post about going to the David Maraniss book signing. When I was there, I noticed that there was a WisconsinEye camera there (WisconsinEye is like the state C-Span, and apparently they cover author speeches and such).

Near the end of the Maraniss speech, I asked a question that I thought was pretty good. It even elicited a \”great question\” from him. I was excited to watch the video, to see if my question was a good one, or if I sound like a total dope.

I\’ve been checking it almost hourly for a week (which has probably doubled the traffic to their website), and noticed that they finally archived it. But here\’s the hitch…

The video plays clearly for nearly an hour. Then finally at the 59:20 mark, you can see Maraniss turn to me to recognize my question. THEN THE FREAKING SCREEN GOES BLACK. When it comes back on, you can see him answering my question! Those sons of bitches cut me out! I am the only edit made in the whole damn thing!

My one chance to be immortalized forever, lost on the editing floor. You can watch the video here, and be sure to fast forward to the part where WisconsinEye stabbed me in the heart. It\’s probably more entertaining than hearing my actual question.

I hereby challenge WisconsinEye to a fistfight.

Ribbed, For His Pleasure

November 20, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Recently, a controversy has broken out in California over whether inmates should be provided free condoms, to reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Supporters of the program argue that prisons are becoming breeding grounds for disease, while opponents say that sex in prison shouldn\’t be encouraged. Only one state, Vermont, and five cities regularly hand out condoms to inmates.

This may surprise some people, but I\’m actually closer to siding with the pro-condom people than I am the program\’s opponents. One of my main objections to \”free condom\” programs in schools is that people who accept the freebies could just as easily have gone into a store and bought them. They have that option. (In college, you could go down to the clinic and get a pack of 50 free condoms – and they were industrial strength, about a half inch thick. You might as well be wearing a space suit. Mostly, we used the clinic for large amounts of free Robitussin, but that\’s another story.)

Yet in prison, I\’m not so sure that\’s the case. They can\’t just run down to Walgreens and pick up a box of rubbers. Maybe some prisoners can have a family member bake some condoms into a cake or something. Even if they were made available for sale within a prison, who is going to use what little money they have to buy them? You think a prisoner in for life is going to forego buying a pack of smokes for some condoms? We\’re not exactly talking about long-term thinkers here. While one inmate may not be getting out for the rest of his life, an inmate to which he gains entrance may be back out on the street in a year.

However, according to the AP story:

Prison officials contend that condoms can be used to conceal drugs, and law-and-order politicians scoff at what they depict as a step that would encourage both consensual and coercive sex.

\”Coercive sex.\” Is that what it\’s called? I can say with almost 100% certainty that without \”coercive sex,\” I wouldn\’t have two kids. Maybe it\’s more like \”nagging\” or \”begging\” sex.

Furthermore, whether or not the state \”encourages\” sex among inmates, it is happening. (I know this from the time I spent three years in the joint for plagiarizing passages of Judy Blume\’s \”Are You There, God? It\’s Me, Margaret\” in my Master\’s Thesis.) And it\’s not the state handing out condoms that is forcing these guys into having sex – it is more likely the thought that they will never see another live female birth canal.

I\’m not saying that I\’m 100% on board with this plan – naturally, I\’d normally be on the side of the anti-condom people. Certainly, there are questions as to whether a man who is willing to rape another man in prison is going to be responsible enough to use a condom. I just think there are some extenuating circumstances here that could be addressed. Even if a few more inmates are protected, we\’re all better off. Either taxpayers can pay for a box of condoms now, or treating an AIDS patient in prison later.

A Special Thanks…

November 20, 2007 / / 0 Comments

…to parents who send their kids to day care while they\’re sick. Due to your thoughtfulness, my son was throwing up on Friday, my daughter was throwing up on Saturday, and I was made to hug the toilet on Sunday and Monday.

Once your kids get sick, it\’s almost like a zombie movie – you know you\’ve been bitten by a zombie, so you just have to sit back and wait to turn into one. By Saturday night, I was resigned to my fate. And sure enough, I haven\’t been able to eat anything but a banana for three days. Fortunately, I was able to work my way through the entire first season of \”Friday Night Lights,\” which is a spectacular show.

(Cough…)

UPDATE: Today is my wife\’s turn to be sick. The germ is now an outstanding 4-for-4 in our family, making it the Ryan Braun of viruses.

The Doctor is Dead to Me

November 16, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Those of you who follow this blog pretty regularly know that I\’ve been at this blogging thing for a while now. For three years, I\’ve stayed up late, slaving away on hundreds of posts. Some of them I happened to think were pretty good. Some of them got some local recognition (of which I am always appreciative).

With a couple of big work projects coming up, I decided to pass posting duties off to a couple friends who I knew had some good ideas. Naturally, the first post by Dr. Emil Shuffhausen immediately hit the national blogs, courtesy of Tom McMahon. As of Friday afternoon, the post had been featured on The Conservative Grapevine and The Corner at National Review.

So, in about 3 hours, Dr. Shuffhausen got about the same number of readers that I get in three months. The total is at 6,000 hits and counting. Therefore, I now officially hate him and and I hate his ass face.

Morrissey has a song called \”We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful.\” I may spend the rest of the day listening to it, assuming I can hear it with my head in the oven. I\’ll keep telling myself not to be bitter – all the way until my car is underwater in Lake Mendota.

Estrogen Level Raised to Red

November 16, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Anyone with a Y chromosome would be well advised to steer clear of the Alliant Energy Center in Madison this weekend, as the Madison Women\’s Expo rolls into town.

One of the featured speakers at the event is Jenny McCarthy, who most people know rose to celebrity as a Playboy playmate. Nothing says \”woman power\” more than showing off your great wax job to teenage boys. Furthermore, there are these nuggets on her resume:

  • A sketch on her MTV show centered on her character, a well-coifed business woman, answering the question of \”What did you have for lunch?\” by forcing herself to vomit all over a table (which she then ate on-screen). The direct contrast of McCarthy\’s reputation as a sex symbol and this often grotesque humor is closely associated with her image. This image was taken to a new extreme in her film Dirty Love, which featured McCarthy\’s character sitting in a massive pool of her own menstrual blood.[10]
  • In a February 2006 interview with Howard Stern, adult actress Jenna Jameson said she had two sexual encounters with McCarthy.[11] When McCarthy visited Stern\’s show in April 2006, she denied having sex with Jameson, but said she \”made out\” with her during the two encounters.

Funny – her official Expo bio doesn\’t mention any of this.

Apparently, McCarthy will be talking about her new book about having a child with autism. Let\’s hope her book does some good for kids – although it probably has a lot to do with getting her reputation back.

David Maraniss at Sequoya Library

November 16, 2007 / / 0 Comments

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I went to see Pulitzer-prize winning author David Maraniss at the Sequoya public library tonight. Even got a couple books signed. Naturally, I was the youngest person there by 30 years.

Above is a picture of me telling him about how I bought my Dad his \”When Pride Still Mattered\” book about Vince Lombardi for Christmas – then received the very same book back from my Dad the next Christmas. He had actually forgotten I gave it to him in the first place. It\’s one thing to \”re-gift.\” It\’s entirely another to give the gift back to the same person that gave it to you. Anyway.

Madison is infinitely lucky to have ties with such a talented writer. I\’ve read several of his books, and he is widely considered to be in the upper echelon of American non-fiction authors. The detail he provides in his books is a wonder to behold – the only way he can rationalize such thorough research is that he\’s completely crazy. But we are all richer as a result.

During his presentation, he answered a good audience question with an interesting point that I hadn\’t really considered. He mentioned how difficult it will be to do research in the future, given the lack of a paper trail left by electronic communications. He mentioned looking at over 40 letters written by Bill Clinton to his grandmother during his college years, and how invaluable they were to his understanding of Clinton during those years. Today, that communication would most likely be done via e-mail, and not readily accessible.

On the one hand, that may be true – but there are plenty of benefits to the internet age, as well. Documents often can be found with the click of a button – and nothing ever goes away completely. In fact, I\’ll be saddled with the crap I\’ve written for the entirety of my adult life. That and my unibrow.

I actually asked a question during the Q&A period. It was about how much detail he uses when he describes a certain battle in \”They Marched Into Sunlight,\” a book about the competing interests in the Vietnam War – part of which is set in Madison. I couldn\’t believe that many of the soldiers there recalled the battle in such vivid detail, and wanted to know how he got them not only to remember, but talk about it to him. He said he relied on documents created right after the battle and on interviews. Honestly, I don\’t remember much because I was nervous and my hands were sweating a lot.

The whole event was a fundraiser for the new Sequoya library, being built at the corner of Midvale and Tokay on the near west side. So give them money and stuff – asking them to raise private money is a good thing for taxpayers, but it means individuals have to step up and give.

A WisconsinEye camera was there, so I\’ll post a link to the video when they make it available. Then you can hear my dopey question.

Frankenstein Meets Godwin’s Law

November 15, 2007 / / 2 Comments

Today’s Capital Times features an editorial from Madison attorney Fred Wade, a long time proponent of moving Wisconsin to an “item” veto.  Currently, Wisconsin has a “partial” veto, which allows governors to take individual words from sentences and “stitch” them together to form sentences (and thus new laws) which the legislature never intended.  Hence,  the practice has been termed the “Frankenstein Veto.”

Wade would rather see an item veto, which would require governors to veto an entire “item” from an appropriation bill.  In other words, a governor would have to approve or deny an entire section or concept, rather than having the ability to eliminate words or write down appropriations.  Wade correctly points out that the current situation is an affront to the “separation of powers” concept.

What’s curious, however, is that Wade thinks the legislature should reject the current constitutional amendment because it doesn’t go far enough in correcting the problem.  Keep in mind that constitutional amendments must pass two consecutive legislatures and be approved by the voters.  Voting this amendment down would set the process back four years.  So while  this amendment solves a significant problem, Wade apparently thinks bad government should go on unabated until he gets everything that he wants.

Instead of urging failure of an amendment that moves the constitution much closer to his preference, Wade could simply begin lobbying for improvements following passage.  It is true that governors would still be able to veto certain words from within sentences to change the sentence’s meaning.  He should go on pointing that out.  But it’s crazy to say that we should start from scratch, which would leave us with the current system.  Who knows if the legislature will ever get this close to agreement on this issue again.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Wade throws in a reference to Nazis, to boot.  He says:

In contrast, Adolf Hitler was frank when he wrote in “Mein Kampf” that the executive ought to “possess the authority and right to command” and that the Legislature ought to be reduced to “an advisory, but never a determining voice.”

In the final analysis, the “Frankenstein veto” is another chapter in the struggle between freedom, democracy and representative self-government on one side, and the alternative of one-man rule that was embodied in the divine right of kings, the “democratic centralism” of the Stalin era, and the “fuhrer principle” of Adolf Hitler.

So, apparently, if you support the current incarnation of the veto amendment, you also support Hitler’s “fuhrer principle.”

In the 1990s, the term “Godwin’s Law” was coined.  It refers to the concept that the longer an argument goes on, the probability that someone will be compared to Hitler or called a Nazi increases exponentially. This is an almost unfailing occurence on internet message boards, where semi-literate interlocutors reach for the most offensive accusation to make without really having to consider what they’re actually saying. (Otherwise known as reductio ad Hitlerum.)

Many in the internet community have adopted a simple maxim: First to call someone a Nazi loses the argument.  In this case, that is perfectly appropriate.  If Wade wants to argue that the state would be better off for four more years without any constitutional change to the governor’s veto authority, he is welcome to do so.  But invoking the Fuhrer in doing so is beneath him, and only serves to undermine his argument and personal reputation.

SIDE NOTE: If Wade thinks the legislature would go along with a full “item” veto, he’s kidding himself. Democrats had to be dragged kicking and screaming to agree to this minor check on Governor Doyle’s power.  Taking away more of his authority would be inconceivable.  Even with this change, Doyle would retain the most powerful veto pen in the nation – a point not lost on legislative Democrats.

Bask in Bumper Sticker Wisdom

November 15, 2007 / / 0 Comments

I regularly have occasion to drive on Madison’s isthmus, which is home to the worst liberal bumper stickers on the planet. Below, I have listed the top ten most egregious. I originally planned on ranking them from least to most obnoxious, but that was simply too difficult. Therefore, we have a ten-way tie for the title of Most Obnoxious Bumper Stickers I Have Seen In Madison.

\"\"“COEXIST” (spelled out with various religious symbols) – If some of the followers of the religion represented by the crescent moon “c” on your cute little bumper sticker would stop hijacking planes and blowing up buildings, coexisting would be a little easier.

“A PBS Mind In a FOX News World” – This particular bumper sticker is positively oozing with smugness. “God, I can\’t stand being surrounded by these Wal-Mart-shopping, NASCAR-watching, deer-hunting troglodytes. How can these country-fried rubes allow themselves to be spoon-fed White House talking points from Bill O’Reilly? They must not be smart enough to enjoy watching some dusty old Brits mumble through a clunky drama on PBS like I am.”

“Live Simply So That Others May Simply Live” – The airheads with this little chestnut on their bumpers are confusing simple wordplay with incredible profundity. This bumper sticker sounds really deep until you realize that a.) it doesn\’t mean a damn thing and b.) the dork in your office who asks if you’re workin\’ hard or hardly workin\’ is making an equally clever play on words.

“Bush/Cheney 1984” – Because the Bush Administration has turned America into an Orwellian dystopia where a totalitarian government throws thought-criminals into gulags. Earth to the under-30 crowd that has this sticker on your bumpers: the Patriot Act is for keeping tabs on terrorists. The feds don’t give a damn about eavesdropping on your phone conversations about ultimate Frisbee.

“Pro-Child, Pro-Choice” – I’m for the kids, but I’m also for aborting them willy-nilly too. This bumper sticker has the intellectual consistency of “Pro-Ants, Pro-Raid.\”

  • A close runner-up in the worst abortion-related bumper sticker goes to “Against Abortion? Don’t Have One.” (Against Robbery? Don’t Rob People!)
  • Dishonorable mentions: “Keep Your Rosaries Off My Ovaries” and “Keep Your Laws Off My Body.” Ugh.

“Health Care Is A Right” – Says who? This one perfectly captures the entitlement mentality of liberals. I am owed whatever I want and someone else is going to pay for it.

“Defend America, Defeat Bush” – On the list of Threats to America, I would rank “Terrorists” in first place and “President Bush” in 436,957,647th place just below “Crabgrass.”

  • Runner-Up in the worst I Hate President Bush Category: “Bush Knew.” That one is so positively unfair I don’t even know where to start.

“Defy Corporate Domination” – I spotted this gem on the rusty bumper of a Honda Civic on November 8th. Chances are you have never heard of Honda, but its a small automobile-making co-op based out of Mazomanie.

“Remember Katrina. Fight Global Warming” – Fight it with what? Nunchucks? Me attacking global warming like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, you driving a Prius or the U.S. signing the Kyoto Protocol all have the same effect on changing the earth’s temperature: zippo. I started mocking all the angles on this bumper sticker and it started getting too long. Look for a thorough dismantling of the fraud that is human-caused global warming in a future post.

“Peace Through Music.” – Trouble in the Sudan, you say? Send in State Street’s bongo-playing hippies. They’ll calm things down. Al-Qaeda insurgents wreaking havoc in Iraq? I’m sure Mr. Johnson’s fourth-hour band class can get in there and straighten things out.

There you have it. The ten worst bumper stickers I\’ve seen in Madison. Got an entry of your own? Post it and your pithy retort in the comments section.

The Magic of YouTube

November 13, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Yesterday, I posted the YouTube clip of my TV appearance from last week. As avid YouTubers know, when you finish watching a video, it provides some links to \”related videos.\”

Here is one of the videos that is somehow \”related\” to mine. Please enjoy \”Sexy Cats\” by \”Cutewithchris.\”

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