However, I can’t find my stapler (or my zamboni machine), so I decided to watch the YouTube debate between the Republican presidential contenders. Naturally, debate organizers think that there’s this untapped resource of deep, insightful questions amongst the American populous. In actuality, there are only three questions Americans regularly ask themselves:
1. Where are my shoes?
2. Why isn’t Natalie Portman answering my letters?
3. What was Wendy’s thinking with those commercials?
And that’s pretty much it.
So here are my observations of the debate. Some good, some… eh.
Charlie Crist of Florida is introduced as the “nation’s most popular governor.” In fact, in Florida, Crist only trails methamphetamine in popularity. His fake tan confuses Tom Tancredo, who immediately calls the INS to come pick him up.
CNN plays a montage of questions that won’t be asked, in an attempt to convey some sense of false dignity to the program. Basically, they are saying “because we’re not using a video of a guy in a bear suit playing the bongos, you should take these questions seriously.” I refuse this invitation.
Ah, Chuck Norris is at the debate. Or, should I say – the debate is at Chuck Norris?
We’re off to a rousing start, as the first video features some dope playing his guitar. Everyone on stage pretends to enjoy this nonsense, while all of America prays for the little red time bar to move faster. He takes a shot at Mitt Romney, who grits his teeth while simultaneously plotting the guy’s death.
Giuliani gets the first question from a sweaty, meaty fellow from NYC who accused him of running a “sanctuary city.” Giuliani and Romney trade accusations about who is more of an immigrant lover, and Romney takes a swing at Rudy when Giuliani accuses him of being a former member of Menudo. Rudy looks rattled, and Romney claims he has never even seen “The George Lopez Show.” Actually, Rudy accuses Romney of having illegal immigrants working in his mansion. No, really. That actually happened.
Another anti-illegal immigrant video from a member of Molly Hatchet. The question goes to Fred Thompson, who in high-definition looks 30% more like a living person. John McCain says he doesn’t support amnesty, but also claims that he knows a lot of people whose last names end in “z.”
Tancredo gets a shot at answering an immigration question – courting the crucial “guys who are afraid of their daughters dating a Mexican” vote. He criticizes both illegal and legal immigration. Says there aren’t any jobs Americans refuse to do. Except, apparently, be a campaign volunteer for Tom Tancredo.
Duncan Hunter brags that in California, he built a “double border” fence. This would be more impressive if there were alligators with lasers strapped to their heads in between the “double fence.” He then makes the crucial mistake of messing with Texas, challenging them to build a “triple border fence.”
Huckabee is asked a question about why he supported a program to give scholarships to the children of illegal immigrants. He answers with an allegory about how he himself, as an illegal immigrant, worked his way through college.
To this point, the entire debate has been nothing but a test of who can be the toughest on immigration. We should just settle this once and for all, pull out the ruler and have a “manhood” measuring contest. I would actually give more credit to any candidate that could figure out a way to deport the Osmonds.
Ah, we finally get to hear from internet fundraising sensation Ron Paul. Actually, before the debate, it was reported that Paul’s prodigious fundraising totals were revoked as the result of a mixup with his solicitation e-mails. On the one hand, Paul now has no chance at winning the nomination. On the other hand, all of his supporters now have LaRGer peN!sEs.
Paul gets the chance to talk about one of his theories about the “tri-lateral commission,” in which the Death Star is conspiring with the International League of Justice to undermine America’s sovereignty (and make us watch the WNBA). This question moves quickly.
Someone asks a question about debt. McCain boasts that he will use a pen Ronald Reagan gave him to veto pork. Unfortunately, he carries his bragging too far, saying he would wear a jock strap given to him by Barry Goldwater while fighting excessive spending.
Next up, a question about federal spending from a hot chick on a webcam in Los Angeles. Confused, Fred Thompson pulls out his credit card.
In response to this question, the candidates take turns giving examples of programs they’d cut. Surprisingly, nobody takes a shot at FEMA, which seems like the most obvious piñata. (Wait – did I just say “pinata?” Hold on – I think the INS is at my door…)
John McCain goes after Ron Paul on the war, which causes all the commissioned Jedis in the audience to boo. It’s actually refreshing to see Paul contribute something to the race – as a punching bag for McCain. It’s safe to say that Ron Paul will not be heading up the Department of Crazy in the McCain administration.
Duncan Hunter said “Ronald Reagan.” Drink!
Romney answers a question about ethanol subsidies by saying he wants to avoid a food shortage. Since, of course, our children are suffering from just not having enough food to eat. This exposes Romney as a hypocrite, as he personally is causing a shortage in Just for Men hair coloring products.
Rudy Giuliani is asked about a scandal that has rocked his campaign – the fact that he held on to his horrifying combover until just last year.
We start with the candidate videos. Tom Tancredo inexplicably believes taking on Geraldo is like taking on Hillary Clinton. Aside from their thick, flowing mustaches, what’s the similarity between the two?
A question is asked about poisonous toys from China. Duncan Hunter says the Chinese can keep Audrey Raines in return for safe toys.
McCain’s video apparently was put together by a team of people who had to look at the instruction manual of their computers to figure out how to turn it on. Truly horrible.
The candidates are asked question about guns from a nut. Hey, another question about guns. How about that – another question on guns from a nut. Oh, by the way – has CNN told you that Republicans like to sho
ot guns? Well, they do!
The candidates then get a serious question about black on black crime from a father and son. Mitt Romney explains how he’s going to make sure that more families stay together. Of course, this hypothetical government program to keep families together is almost as horrifying as the problem it seeks to correct.
The crime question is a softball for Giuliani, who is itching to talk about his record as mayor. In fact, as mayor, he brags that reduced al-Qaeda related plane crashes into New York buildings by 100% in one year. Romney rebuts by saying he increased funding for DNA tests, yet my request to provide Jessica Alba with a DNA sample apparently has yet to be processed.
Ron Paul gets a question about abortion and talks about his career as an obstetrician. This means Ron Paul has seen more female genitalia than all of his supporters combined.
Giuliani strangely keeps calling Roe v. Wade “Roe Against Wade,” as if it were some sitcom debuting in CBS’ fall lineup.
A twitchy guy with a mini-beard asks the candidates if they believe the Bible literally. Giuliani says he doesn’t believe Jonah was in the belly of the whale. Ironically, the next video was from Jonah actually in the belly of the whale asking for help getting the hell out.
This question, of course, is ridiculously easy for Mike Huckabee, who’s a Baptist minister. It would be like asking Mitt Romney about hair care products. Speaking of Romney, his video is up next – and it appears that his greatest qualification for being President is that he’s exceptionally adept at rolling up his shirt sleeves.
The candidates are asked what they are going to do to better the image of America in the world. My suggestion: America should start wearing better-fitting clothes that draw the eye away from its trouble areas. And maybe wear nicer shoes.
The candidates are asked to weigh in on torture. While some of them seem sincere, none of them are willing to outlaw torture as a tool – which means terrorists will continue to be forced to watch more Republican candidate debates.
McCain answers a question about how much authority he would give his Vice President by saying he wants his VP to have expertise in a number of areas – telecommunications, gardening, operating a HAM radio, rollerblading, quilting, pilates, the periodic table, knifeplay, Excel, archery, fire safety…
There’s a question about gays in the military. Mitt Romney is challenged on a quote he gave in 1994 where he expressed hope that at some point in time gays could serve in the military, but almost falls off the stage backtracking – saying “now’s not the time.” Somewhere in America, the gay guy that was planning on voting for Romney just turned off his television in disgust.
CNN then allows the questioner to lecture the candidates for two minutes about how wrong they are, which leads to an uncomfortable scene where audience members catcall him, forcing him to stop talking and sit down. I anxiously await the next Democratic debate, when CNN allows an audience member to harangue the candidates for two minutes on abortion.
Romney said “Reagan.” Drink!
Huckabee says he’d be open to expanding the space program. This is good news, as we may finally be able to re-connect Dennis Kucinich with his family.
Rudy Giuliani lists kicking hundreds of thousands of African-Americans off welfare as a reason more blacks should vote for him. While there’s no doubt that welfare reform is a positive development, the following sequence of words have never been uttered: “You mean I now have to work for all these benefits? How do I vote for you again?”
Ron Paul doesn’t know if he’s going to run as an independent, but he says he went to a party once where there were a lot of “blacks” and “hispanics.” Honestly, Ron Paul is more likely to pour jello down his pants than make a relevant point in one of these debates.
Obviously, there was more covered than just what’s in this seat-of-the-pants post. For a full listing of questions and answers, go here.
In summary, I don’t think anyone distinguished themselves. My mind’s still not made up on which candidate I’m going to support. I just hope Ron Paul can set me up with some HoRNy HouSEWiveZZZ.