I regularly have occasion to drive on Madison’s isthmus, which is home to the worst liberal bumper stickers on the planet. Below, I have listed the top ten most egregious. I originally planned on ranking them from least to most obnoxious, but that was simply too difficult. Therefore, we have a ten-way tie for the title of Most Obnoxious Bumper Stickers I Have Seen In Madison.

“COEXIST” (spelled out with various religious symbols) – If some of the followers of the religion represented by the crescent moon “c” on your cute little bumper sticker would stop hijacking planes and blowing up buildings, coexisting would be a little easier.

“A PBS Mind In a FOX News World” – This particular bumper sticker is positively oozing with smugness. “God, I can’t stand being surrounded by these Wal-Mart-shopping, NASCAR-watching, deer-hunting troglodytes. How can these country-fried rubes allow themselves to be spoon-fed White House talking points from Bill O’Reilly? They must not be smart enough to enjoy watching some dusty old Brits mumble through a clunky drama on PBS like I am.”

“Live Simply So That Others May Simply Live” – The airheads with this little chestnut on their bumpers are confusing simple wordplay with incredible profundity. This bumper sticker sounds really deep until you realize that a.) it doesn’t mean a damn thing and b.) the dork in your office who asks if you’re workin’ hard or hardly workin’ is making an equally clever play on words.

“Bush/Cheney 1984” – Because the Bush Administration has turned America into an Orwellian dystopia where a totalitarian government throws thought-criminals into gulags. Earth to the under-30 crowd that has this sticker on your bumpers: the Patriot Act is for keeping tabs on terrorists. The feds don’t give a damn about eavesdropping on your phone conversations about ultimate Frisbee.

“Pro-Child, Pro-Choice” – I’m for the kids, but I’m also for aborting them willy-nilly too. This bumper sticker has the intellectual consistency of “Pro-Ants, Pro-Raid.”

• A close runner-up in the worst abortion-related bumper sticker goes to “Against Abortion? Don’t Have One.” (Against Robbery? Don’t Rob People!)
• Dishonorable mentions: “Keep Your Rosaries Off My Ovaries” and “Keep Your Laws Off My Body.” Ugh.

“Health Care Is A Right” – Says who? This one perfectly captures the entitlement mentality of liberals. I am owed whatever I want and someone else is going to pay for it.

“Defend America, Defeat Bush” – On the list of Threats to America, I would rank “Terrorists” in first place and “President Bush” in 436,957,647th place just below “Crabgrass.”

• Runner-Up in the worst I Hate President Bush Category: “Bush Knew.” That one is so positively unfair I don’t even know where to start.

“Defy Corporate Domination” – I spotted this gem on the rusty bumper of a Honda Civic on November 8th. Chances are you have never heard of Honda, but its a small automobile-making co-op based out of Mazomanie.

“Remember Katrina. Fight Global Warming” – Fight it with what? Nunchucks? Me attacking global warming like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, you driving a Prius or the U.S. signing the Kyoto Protocol all have the same effect on changing the earth’s temperature: zippo. I started mocking all the angles on this bumper sticker and it started getting too long. Look for a thorough dismantling of the fraud that is human-caused global warming in a future post.

“Peace Through Music.” – Trouble in the Sudan, you say? Send in State Street’s bongo-playing hippies. They’ll calm things down. Al-Qaeda insurgents wreaking havoc in Iraq? I’m sure Mr. Johnson’s fourth-hour band class can get in there and straighten things out.

There you have it. The ten worst bumper stickers I’ve seen in Madison. Got an entry of your own? Post it and your pithy retort in the comments section.

I had some friends in town this past weekend, and we decided to relive the old days and hit the bars. We were at the Come Back Inn pretty late – and about bar time, an extremely drunk young woman came over and sat next to me. What follows is our entire conversation:

Drunk Girl: “Are you married?”

Me: “Yes.”

DG: (Pointing to a girl standing near us ) “Is that your wife?”

Me: “No.”

DG: “Is your wife here?”

Me: “No.”

(Long pause)

DG: “Wanna make out?”

Me: “No.”

She gets up and leaves.

I mention this only because it’s such an anomaly. Seriously, it could have been anyone in my chair and the conversation would have been identical.

As a word to the wise, if something like this happens, you may think it is funny, but your wife will most certainly not. Even if the point of the story is that you are responsible. It’s almost like car accident laws – you’re partially to blame just for being on the road. Just by being at a bar late, you might as well be wearing a sign that says “now accepting applications for drunk girl tongue-action.”

Doing his part to address the scandalous shortage of anonymous loudmouths spouting off online, the Artist Formerly Known As Dennis York has invited a handful of guest bloggers into his Trousers. I would like to thank both of Christian’s readers for letting me in on the fun.

Yesterday, I posted the YouTube clip of my TV appearance from last week. As avid YouTubers know, when you finish watching a video, it provides some links to “related videos.”

Here is one of the videos that is somehow “related” to mine. Please enjoy “Sexy Cats” by “Cutewithchris.”

Here’s my Here and Now commentary for this week. It discusses the Wisconsin Fair Employment Act, which prevents employers from considering arrest or conviction record when making hiring or firing decisions. I could go on for hours on this topic, but I only get 90 seconds.

As a side note, I have to give a lot of credit to the folks at Wisconsin Public Television – they have never prevented me from saying anything I wanted on the air. Every now and then, they’ll make a suggestion with regard to clarity, but they’ve never edited content – even when it’s clear that they think they’re putting a lunatic on the air.

I know public broadcasting takes a beating from conservatives, but I can say that in my experience, the people at WPT have been a joy to work with. And the fact that they give me the occasional outlet to speak my mind shows that at least on the state level, they are looking for some kind of ideological balance.

The folks at College Humor have created the “unaired” 1994 pilot for 24.

It’s meant to be a parody, I’m sure, but it’s actually better than any 3 minute segment in the last two seasons of 24. Enjoy.

There’s stupid.

There’s Love Boat stupid.

And then there’s this.

It’s not like the Minnesota Vikings organization doesn’t have enough strikes against it already – terrible weather, an awful stadium, a clueless head coach. But now they’re the team that fines you for going to your grandmother’s funeral.

I’m sure that will be a big part of their sales pitch to free agents in the offseason:

“It’s 45 below here, we play on concrete floors under a huge trash bag ceiling, our coach has more mustache than brain and we’ve shut down our employee sex boat daytrip program. Oh, and if someone in your family dies don’t even think about paying your respects or it will cost you a game check. So would you like to sign with us for five years or six?”

Karmic justice demands the Packers win on Sunday by at least 3 touchdowns.

SATURDAY UPDATE: The awesome power of Atomic Trousers strikes again. The Vikings are giving Troy Williamson back his game check.

One of the most annoying annual traditions in the National Football League generally takes place in South Florida some time in October or November and involves a bunch of old men and several bottles of champagne.

No, it’s not an AARP special at the Doll House in Ft. Lauderdale, it’s the fawning media coverage given to members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins when the last undefeated team in the NFL loses its first game of the year.

The 1972 Dolphins are the only undefeated championship team in the modern era of the NFL, capping off a 17-0 season with a win in Super Bowl VII. Each year when the last undefeated team in the NFL falls, members of that team celebrate and get their 15 annual minutes of fame when TV crews cover the “story” of a bunch of old guys drinking champagne. Hooray.

Many think the 9-0 New England Patriots represent the best chance since 1972 for a perfect season. They won their first eight games in decisive fashion, scoring more than 34 points in each contest and outscoring their opponents by an average of more than 26 points a game. They won their ninth game last Sunday with a fourth-quarter comeback on the road against the undefeated defending Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts.

Perhaps feeling his legacy and his record threatened, Don Shula – the coach of the 1972 Dolphins – made news this week by saying that if New England runs the table, history should mark their accomplishment (which, with a Super Bowl title would be a 19-0 season) with an asterisk because New England head coach Bill Belichick was busted earlier this season violating NFL rules prohibiting teams from videotaping opposing coaches giving signals.

I have but one thing to say to Mr. Shula: “Shut up and go away, Al Bundy.”

Shula and his fellow 1972 Dolphins are guilty of the oldest and saddest failing of former athletes – refusing to leave gracefully. (Note: this does not apply to former Dallas Cowboys, whose oldest and saddest failing is getting caught with 213 pounds of pot in their car).

Did New England’s coach cheat? Yes.

Did he get caught? Yes.

Did he get punished? Yes. (The NFL fined Belichick $500,000 and stripped the Patriots of their first-round pick in the 2008 draft).

Do Belichick’s actions have any impact whatsoever on what his players have been doing each week on the field? Hell no.

All Shula has done with his recent comments is reveal himself to be the saddest sort of sports legends – the kind who won’t let go. Like Al Bundy getting himself through the day by flashing back to his high school glory on the gridiron, Don Shula obviously lives for that day each fall when he gets to wax poetic about his 1972 title and bask in the glow of a few more minutes of sports relevance.

Needless to say, I am rooting for the Patriots to complete a perfect season, if for no other reason than to get Al Bundy and the rest of 1972 Dolphins off my TV for good.

But perhaps Shula’s desperation to stay in the spotlight is understandable. After all, it was the Belichick-led Patriots who broke the 1972-1973 Dolphins’ record of 18 consecutive wins when they won 21 straight games in 2003-2004 and the Dolphins organization Shula once led has become the laughingstock of the NFL.

Miami is currently winless at 0-8, starts some guy named Cleo at quarterback and many of the same experts who think New England has a chance to go undefeated this year believe Miami could make history of their own by losing their last eight games and finishing the year winless.

One of those last eight games will be a trip to Foxboro, Massachusetts to play the New England Patriots. Yes, the same Patriots their legendary former coach ticked off by suggesting the use of a typographical symbol to preserve his own personal place in history. As a result, what was likely going to be a run-of-the-mill 45-3 Patriots rout could well rival the historic 73-0 beating the Chicago Bears put on the Washington Redskins in the 1940 NFL title game. Thanks, Coach!

In addition to a perfect season for New England, I’m also rooting for a perfect season for Miami – 0-16.

The last NFL team to go an entire season without a win was the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. (Ironically, for my purposes, the closest they came to a win that year was a 23-20 loss to the Don Shula-coached Dolphins). Maybe someone will send a TV crew to film members of that Tampa team popping open the bubbly in celebration if Miami succeeds in supplanting them as the worst team in NFL history. And maybe someone will ask Don Shula to comment – we know he loves seeing himself on TV.

A FINAL WORD ABOUT COACH SHULA: I do wonder how he balances his ownership of a chain of steakhouses (you can see his website here, including a welcome video of footage from a contest to see who could eat a three-pound steak fastest) with his role as a celebrity weight-loss pitchman for Nutrisystem. Even if New England knocks his perfect season out of the record book, he’ll still hold the title for undefeated celebrity dietary hypocrisy, no asterisk needed.

UPDATE – THURSDAY MORNING: Don Shula is evidently a reader of Atomic Trousers. Moments ago, he started the damage control/backtracking on ESPN Radio. Kneel before the power of this blog!

The regular host of Atomic Trousers contacted me to ask if I’d be willing to provide the occasional dollop of content to pick up the slack while he devotes his time to the jet-setting world of punditry and shopping for sweater vests.

I am more than happy to oblige and accepted his offer before he could sober up.

So thanks to his laziness and busy schedule, you’ll now be stuck with me every now and again. Look for my first official offering to this interweb thingy tomorrow morning.

Enjoy.

Due to my multiple time commitments (getting my back waxed every other day takes a long time), I have asked a few colleagues to start chipping in here at the blog. I’ve always wanted for this to be a more inclusive, collaborative-type thing, and hopefully the new posters will fill your insatiable craving for new content better than I can by myself.

Unfortunately for all of you, I will still be popping in occasionally to post. So keep reading. Should be fun.

One of my favorite things to do with my dog used to be playing “chase the dot.” We had a laser pointer which would project a little red dot on the floor, which Booker tried to bite. As you moved the dot around, he’d chase it around the house, almost jumping through cabinets trying to devour his elusive target.

This week, the Wisconsin State Senate will take up a bill that purports to provide competition to government-mandated cable television monopolies in the state. Yet somehow, the debate over the bill has morphed into some ridiculous side issues meant to appeal to the broadest common denominator. These side issues have all the philosophical underpinnings and intellectual weight of my dog chasing his red dot. They make one long for the level-headed debates during the recent budget impasse.

Several senators have suggested that an amendment to the bill should mandate that cable companies and new video providers carry the NFL Network and the Big Ten Network, both of which are caught up in acrimonious contract negotiations with cable companies. (For the most part, these are senators who will give long-winded lectures about the sanctity of labor negotiations.) These networks are carried by most satellite dish providers, but no cable providers in Wisconsin. Thus, if people want to see their beloved Green Bay Packers play the Dallas Cowboys this season, they either need to get a dish, go to a bar, or purchase an expanded package.

In steps your state government, to save you from the injustice of leaving your couch to watch the game. Naturally, mandating these networks be shown on a video provider will raise rates on consumers – that’s what the whole impasse is about. So when state government mandates higher cable rates on everyone in the state, you can look forward to follow-up legislation to cap video provider rates for the people that can no longer afford video service. In effect, mandating new networks could counteract the whole purpose of the bill – to save consumers money by providing effective competition.

Furthermore, how exactly is it that the NFL Network and Big Ten Network are so important that they merit legislative action? I pay extra to my satellite company to get the NBA Network. I occasionally watch the Golf Channel. That’s kind of how it works – if something is important enough to a consumer, they usually pay extra for it. But now apparently, whether you have a constitutional right to watch a certain sport depends on the shape of the ball.

And what about other non-sport channels? I enjoy watching “The Wire” as much as anyone – and I consider it to be must-see viewing for everyone. Should we mandate HBO, too? There are actually psychiatric procedures administered to child sex offenders that provide them with “appropriate fantasy material” (and yes, I understand that “appropriate porn” is an oxymoron) in order to steer them away from fantasizing about children. On that basis, it could be rationally argued that mandating the Spice Channel serves more of a real public service than the NFL Network. (I’m trying, guys.)

In fact, defending Wisconsinites’ constitutional right to watch the Badgers choke like dogs has become a veritable cottage industry at the Legislature. Bills are being introduced to provide binding arbitration for cable company negotiations with these networks. Essentially, it would be up to one arbiter to mandate higher cable bills in the state. In introducing their “Fair Access to Networks” (FAN – get it?) legislation, the bill’s authors wrote this unintententionally hilarious press release, which contains lines like:

“There is no reason that all Wisconsin fans should not be able to see the Wisconsin-Ohio State game or the Packers-Cowboys game in November….”

As it currently stands, cable-subscribing football fans living outside the Green Bay and Milwaukee media markets will not be able to watch the Packers play the Dallas Cowboys on November 29th unless of course they subscribe to AT&;T, DirecTV, Dish Network or a similar provider that has reached agreements with the NFL Network.

Incidentally, plenty of fans did miss the Wisconsin-Ohio State game this weekend, and for some reason, the earth didn’t open up and swallow us all. In fact, the game was well worth missing, given the final result. I actually couldn’t stay awake during the game, so I may ask legislators to provide me with caffeine pills to guarantee that I don’t miss the next one – since seeing the game live is apparently my right as a U.S. Citizen.

And you can see they even concede that there are, in fact, other ways to see the game. That’s called competition. If you want to see the games, get a dish. There’s a reason DirecTV pays the going rate for the NFL Network – because it drags people away from cable.

Following the partisan acrimony during the budget, it’s good to see that there’s a terrible issue that can embarrass members of both parties equally. It appears, however, that there’s enough of a bipartisan coalition to thwart these changes. As it turns out, the whole issue was summed up best by Democratic Senator Pat Kreitlow of Eau Claire, who said:

“Personally, I don’t think there is necessarily a legislative role… I’m a supply-and-demand person. If (cable companies) would like a better supply of customers, they need to work on a price.”

In the mean time, Kreitlow’s colleagues will continue to chase the red dot wherever it takes them, regardless of principle or philosophy. If a state government thinks it needs to legislate entertainment, then it literally believes it has a role in every aspect of our lives. Not a comforting thought.

If you have nothing better to do on Friday night or Sunday morning, then I respectfully request your attendance in front of your television to watch “Here and Now” on Wisconsin Public Television. Please RSVP and bring a tuna casserole.

For the very few of you who aren’t regular viewers, “Here and Now” features a rotating cast of commentators at the end of the show, of which I am one. Here is another:

One of my favorite hobbies is sitting around the house and bitching incessantly about what a cultural cesspool MTV is. Is there really no market for a music television station geared towards people who have actually read a book?

Thus, imagine my surprise yesterday when I flipped by “MHD” (the MTV/VH1 high-definition channel) to see they were playing a little-known documentary about one of my favorite musicians, Nick Drake. Very little is known about Drake, as he rarely played live and never gave interviews. No video of him in his adult years exists.

Drake began making albums in England in 1969 as a 21-year old. He recorded three outstanding albums that went virtually unheard during his life. In 1972, suffering from debilitating depression, he moved back home with his parents. In 1974, he overdosed on depression medication, killing himself.

It was only after he had been dead for a decade that his music was discovered and widely distributed. In the documentary, his sister points out that he often felt unappreciated because he was making these great albums that nobody was listening to – and that may have contributed to his withdrawal from the world. It’s ironic that he finally began receiving the credit he deserved well after his death – a death brought on, in part, by the lack of appreciation he felt. Since his death, his albums routinely show up on “best all-time albums” lists, and he is frequently cited as one of the most influential musicians in modern music.

Aside from being such a sad story, it still amazes me how his music came to be known essentially as the result of a fluke. Here you have a musician who thought he was too talented for the world in which he lived – and it drove him to his own death. And yet many of the songs he recorded alone, on a tape recorder, nearly 40 years ago now resonate with listeners across the world. It’s almost possible to see the hole in music created by his death, that will go unfilled.

Through the magic of YouTube, the documentary “A Skin Too Few” can be seen at the following links:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Just a warning: not exactly the most uplifting of films ever created.

Also, some fans have set up a MySpace page, where some of Drake’s songs can be heard.