We all like the thrill of a pennant chase, but don’t hold your breath. Here’s why:

Tonight’s game, top of the 7th, one out. Dave Bush has been cruising, and has a 2-1 lead. There’s one out and Ned Yost elects to let Bush hit for himself, presumably because he’s going to keep using him. Bush actually gets a hit, but the inning fizzles.

Bottom of the 7th starts, and the pitcher is… Scott Linebrink?

As you may know, I am certainly no fan of Linebrink’s. But if you were going to bring him in, what in the hell was Bush doing batting for himself in the top of the inning? And why, after showing you were committed to him staying in the game by letting him bat, would you pull a pitcher that was cruising through inning after inning – especially with a suspect bullpen?

Naturally, Linebrink comes in, immediately gives up a hit, runs the count full, and gets the hitter to line out, doubling up Carlos Lee on first. Linebrink then gives up another hit, then walks a batter. After Yost has to yank Linebrink’s ass out of the game, Brian Shouse gives up the game tying hit.

This is why all the Brewer fans can stop their worrying now. If the Brewers have a manager that can’t even figure out the simplest of maneuvers – and continues to use Derrick Turnbow in any capacity other than carrying bags to and from the team bus, they won’t sniff the playoffs. And it really is too bad. Thanks for the season, guys.

UPDATE: Some more questions…

How many times is Ryan Braun going to be pulled for a defensive replacement, only to have his position come up again?

Top of the 9th, you’re down two runs, and have a full bench – and you let the .231 hitting Craig Counsell hit for himself? Sure, Weeks bailed him out – but why just give away an out to start the inning?

Matt Wise comes in in the 10th and gives up two hits. First and second, no out with Carlos Lee coming up. By not pulling him for Cordero at that point (who had warmed up), you’re telling everyone that you’re perfectly willing to concede defeat.

With Wise in, there were men on first and third with one out. A run can beat you. Why wouldn’t you walk the .323 hitter (Pence), to set up the force at any base and make the worse hitter (Wigginton, .282) beat you?

As of a couple weeks ago, 80% of my diet now consists of Simply Asia pre-cooked noodle bowls. They’re a huge step up from other noodles, although the name sounds more like an order made to an escort service than a food product.

Before last week, I had barely heard of D.L. Hughley, and couldn’t name a single thing he had been in. After reading this ballsy interview with The Onion, I decided I should seek out some more of his work. Of course, he has yet to prove that he’s really funny – just that he’s not afraid to speak his mind about the disgrace of race hustlers and the damage done by the victimhood industry.

Some clips, beginning with Hughley addressing protestors complaining about derogatory remarks he made about the Rutgers women’s basketball team:

My good friend Brad Boycks made his radio debut on the Vicki McKenna show on last Friday’s “week in review” program. He was on with guest host Brian Schimming, mostly discussing the 6th anniversary of 9/11 and the War in Iraq. He’s clearly a bastard, since he sounds relaxed and does a great job – whereas I have yet to find a way not to embarrass myself on-air.

Listen here.

The recent debate in Wisconsin about government-run medicine has given free-market health care advocates the chance to show how competition can work to keep health care costs down.  More transparency in pricing, they say, will allow consumers to shop for procedures – which, in turn, will keep the cost of those procedures down.  This differs drastically from the current system, where a third party generally pays the bill for medical care, so nobody really knows how much it costs.

I am 100% on board with the notion of more competition in health care.  It really is the only effective way of keeping costs down. 

However, free markets aren’t always pretty.  Once people are shopping around for cost-effective medical care, the people selling those services will do everything they can to lure people in to their shop.  Suddenly, you might see knee replacements being sold on TV by some bald, sweaty salesman with a limp.

This effect can already be seen in areas like Lasik eye surgery, which generally isn’t covered by insurance.  Consumers are welcome to shop around and pay out of pocket for the procedure.  As a result, doctors who perform Lasik have to compete – which has led to rapidly dropping prices.  Unfortunately, you also get some clinics running cheesy ads that make the procedure seem artificially cheap – like the ones that offer the surgery for “$299 per eye.”

Exactly how many eyes do I have again?  I’m sure there are cases where people only need to get one eye lasered, but I would think that the overwhelming majority need both done.  Thus, they make it seem a lot cheaper in their ad – much like the vacuum cleaner ads offering the “24 easy payment” option.  What happens when a bunch of people can only afford to get one eye done?  Are we going to see a bunch of people walking around in circles on the street?

And what’s next?  Are we going to see ads for “Crazy Larry’s Prosthetic Hut?” (Where a new limb won’t cost you an arm and a leg?)  Will women be getting their gynecological exams at ”The Love Doctor?” (Cervix with a Smile?)   Is Burger King going to offer up a coupon for a free arterial stent with the purchase of five Whoppers?  (Of course, it will be the Whoppers that cause you to need the surgery.)

While free markets are always the preferable way of dividing up goods and services, they aren’t without warts.  Our capitalist system spawned Britney Spears, after all.  If I see one more John Mellencamp truck ad, I will likely plunge an ice pick into my brain.  However, we shouldn’t let the commercialization of health care services deter us from the improvement in cost and customer service that are within our reach.

If you think things like “reading” and “writing” are a little too stressful for your young kids, then Madison may have the answer for you.  Apparently a new method called the “security, survival and self-esteem” system of child meditation has taken hold in Madison-area schools.

Channel 15 reports (video included):

Jinendra Kothari has been teaching meditation for the past 35 years.  During his classes he would overhear teachers talking about the problems they faced in the classroom.

He set out to design a new type of meditation specifically for kids.  After years of research he developed a system that addresses the issues that all children face: security, survival and self-esteem.

“A lot of these exercises are designed to bring symmetry to their body,” said Jinendra. “Most people see 3S as a simple exercise, but it is not, it is much more beyond it. That’s why I call it beyond Yoga.”

The 3S-Smart Learning System was created to help kids control their emotions, while increasing their overall physical and mental fitness.

After all, it is all about your child and how they feel about themselves.  So when they finally move on to middle school, they will feel good about their inability to read, write, or deal with criticism.

Actually, studies show that there are benefits to physical activity and motion programs in classrooms, as described in this paper by WPRI’s Sammis White.  However, those activities deal more with movement and activity, and less with how to channel the spirit of the Dalai Lama.

My buddy Gooch (you may remember him from the Packer game last year) came up with a couple tickets for the Wisconsin/Citadel football game at Camp Randall this Saturday. Since he lives in South Carolina and has relatives that went to The Citadel, the tickets were in their section. In fact, they were front row – almost field level.

Sitting with the Citadel fans was actually fairly interesting. Seeing as how their school is a tiny, state-sponsored military school of 2,000 students, they were in awe of the spectacle of Camp Randall (and of the existence of cheese curds).

The most interesting aspect of the game, however, was the Citadel cheerleaders, who were about 15 feet in front of us.

You may recall the fact that The Citadel used to be for male cadets only, until that policy was challenged in 1994 by Shannon Faulkner. The federal government threatened to withhold funds from the school unless it complied with the order to go co-ed. In 1996, four more female cadets enrolled, with two eventually dropping out. The numbers have climbed slowly since then.

At the game, I asked some of The Citadel’s fans when they went co-ed. “1996. Because of the f***ing federal government,” one guy sneered. It became clear at that point that the new policy remains wildly unpopular, especially among alumni.

Before they went co-ed, I was told, The Citadel used to hire out cheerleaders from other local small colleges for their games. It was clear that now, their cheerleaders came from within the ranks of their cadets. These women were… and there’s really no way to massage this… awfully plain-looking. Their cheerleading couldn’t compel a dog to sniff itself.

Naturally, they were heckled by the crowd – only more so by the Citadel fans themselves, who resent their very presence at the college. After halftime, they took their sweat pants off – which compelled one fan behind me to start a “put them back on!” chant.

Things got even worse by comparison after the Badger cheerleaders put on a little show for our section. The Citadel fans were delighted with seeing “real” cheerleaders. But at that point, I put my foot down. I pointed out that the Wisconsin cheerleaders are bred genetically to be cheerleaders, while the Citadel cheerleaders are cadets – who at some point, will be fighting for our country. In a few years, the Badger cheerleaders will be pouring shots on the rocks in a bar, while the Citadel cheerleaders will be shooting at Iraquis in Anbar.

So sure, they may not be that great – but they’re not supposed to be. They’re supposed to be learning how to defend our country, not their football team’s goal line. Asking those women to be cheerleaders would be like asking them to play offensive line – it just doesn’t fit.

So here you have these poor young women who aren’t welcome by their own fans, in a 90,000 seat stadium, where their team was undoubtedly a sacrificial lamb (they actually kept it uncomfortably close for most of the game). They deserve more praise than anyone out there on that field.

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And on a related note, it really is hard to root against a military team. They obviously have no chance against teams like the Badgers, as they have strict height and weight requirements for service (somehow, The Air Force has been the exception). Those are the types of games you’d like to win by a point – running it up against a military academy seems to be a little unsettling. Even more so, you don’t want to see a cadet get hurt badly, as it could affect his service.

At one point, a Badger landed a late hit on a Citadel Bulldog. I figured it was bad form to cheap shot the military – best to leave that up to Moveon.org.

After being on my deathbed for two days (I completely slept through Friday), I needed a good sports weekend. Fortunately, Wisconsin fans got wins from the Badgers, Packers, and a couple from the Brewers (but special thanks to the pathetic St. Louis Cardinals, who have now become the Larry Craig of the National League).

There was, however, one sporting event that eclipsed all others in terms of human drama: it was my daughter’s first-ever soccer game in her 3-and 4-year old league. In fact, it was better attended than any of the WNBA championship series games to date.

I was prepared for this, as I had been videotaping the opposing team for weeks, Belichick-style. My daughter had never played in any kind of organized sporting event, so I had no idea how she would react. She didn’t start, and didn’t really seem all that interested in watching the game before going in. Naturally, this being a West Madison kid soccer league, you have a lot of kids named things like “Jericho” and “Sapphire.” Most of the kids in the game were unaware that the game was actually going on. Or who their birth parents are.

When finally called upon, my daughter was too shy to go in the game. The ref said I could run next to her if I wanted, so I did – although I know I ran the risk of looking like one of these total a-hole parents that directs their children from within a foot at all times. But finally, she forgot about me, and just ran around kicking the ball. She even scored a goal that was waved off because of some technicality about being too close to the goal or something. Since it’s a city league, I think it is only fair that the Mayor’s office hear about this injustice.

Sometime in the middle of the game, her two-year old brother practiced his own brand of hooliganism by running out on the field. He was standing still, which usually means one thing – he was filling his diapers. But when I thought about it, that’s the same thing Derrick Turnbow does every time he runs out on the field, and he gets paid a lot of money. Maybe there’s a future for my boy, after all.

Near the end of the game, one kid just wandered off the field, leaving my daughter’s team a player short. She pulled a Scottie Pippen and refused to go back in the game, citing the deliciousness of her watermelon as the prime reason.

All in all, I couldn’t be more proud of her. I showed her a YouTube video of Mia Hamm, and she said she wants to be as good as she is. I figure a few more weeks of intense training should do the trick – as long as she gives up the watermelon.

There’s an old Simpsons episode where Homer meets controversial director John Waters. Around the dinner table, Marge gently tries to tell Homer that Waters is gay. She says “um, Homey, I think he enjoys the company of men.” Homer then enthusiastically whoops out “WHO DOESN’T?”

Men getting married worry about what it’s going to be like to not be able to date different women for the rest of their lives. But honestly, the thing I’ve missed most is the time I got to spend with my guy friends. All the gross jokes and insults you throw around casually – trust me, those don’t really work on your wife. Then again, if you never really dated multiple women before you got married, you don’t really have anything to miss. For you, long gone are days like the one in college where you begged one of your ugly platonic girl friends to make out with you, just so you could see what it was like – and got turned down. (Don’t worry, there’s at least a three percent chance that never happened to me.)

Anyway, I was in the car for a long ride with some guy friends last week, and it all came back to me. Long car rides are the birthplace of some of the best guy conversations. Naturally, the silence was eventually broken by some giggling and the rolling down of the window. You can figure out what the need for fresh air means. This act led to the following exchange:

“Damn man, are we in Kaukauna?”

(Editor’s note – Kaukauna, Wisconsin has a number of paper mills, which makes it smell like the inside of Gilbert Brown’s colon after a hard boiled egg eating competition.)

Laughing: “Hey man, are you making paper in your ass?”

More laughing: “I hope they’re making toilet paper in your colon, because you’re going to need to wipe after that one.”

And on and on it went. Pure comedy gold. That’s what I miss.

And on a somewhat-related note:

Is there a more thankless job than working for the Kaukauna Chamber of Commerce? Exactly what is their motto to attract people to live there?

“Kaukauna: After a Year, You Don’t Even Notice!”

“Kaukauna: You Smell Good By Comparison!”

“Kaukauna: You’ll Be Drunk on the Way Back From the Packer Game, So Then Might Be a Good Time to Visit!”

Just got back into town, checked my e-mail, and found that the Journal Sentinel had denied my application to be a community columnist. Oh well, it was a long shot anyway. Good luck to whoever did get the gig (I think there are like 30 of them).

(Pardon the language in this post – but it kind of makes a point.)

I went to the bar with a liberal friend of mine the other night, and he thinks he has found the answer to Wisconsin’s budget woes. He suggested a new tax that he dubbed the “asshole tax.”

The concept is pretty simple – anything you buy that makes you an asshole is taxed at 100% the purchase price. Want to buy a Hummer? You pay the tax. Interested in a watch over $1,000? Better be willing to pay twice what it’s worth. You think the tobacco tax increase in the current budget is bad – wait until that tax is applied on top of the asshole tax on expensive cigars.

Of course, we can all remember attempts at “yacht taxes” in the past. Yachts are certainly something that would fit in the definition of this new tax. However, where implemented, these types of taxes hit the wrong people. Yacht makers go out of business, laying off hundreds of workers – since nobody wants to buy a yacht anymore. Tourism suffers in areas frequented by boats. Everything trickles down to the little guy, who has to look for a new job. Who becomes the “asshole” then?

Furthermore, as entertaining as the idea of taxing assholes is, the tax is awfully subjective. Lefties would apply it to BMWs. I would apply it to Priuses. Democrats would apply it to jewelry. I would apply it to the purchase of Al Franken books. And on it goes.

For example…

As many of you know, the Ironman Triathalon was held here in Madison over this past weekend. Last Friday, Capitol square was crawling with these people – here to push their smug “healthy lifestyles” on us. They’re all “look at me, I can run, bike and swim 100 miles.” Only thousands of people a day do that near the US/Mexico border, and they have bullets flying at them. Of course, in order to train for the Ironman, you can’t have a real job, so taxpayers are one day going to be paying for their hip and knee replacements. I digress.

So anyway, four of these jerk-offs slip into Jamba Juice about a half second before I do. One of them had the name of each of the marathons he’s finished tattoed on the back of his calf (on his shaved leg, of course). When they finally get to the front of the line, they order the only thing you would expect this traveling pack of douchewads to order – four shots of wheat grass juice.

Naturally, nobody is ever dumb enough to blow four bucks on a shot of wheat grass juice – so the whole store has to stop while they figure out how to make them (it involves cutting grass with a scissors, then running it through this juicer machine). And I’m sorry – if I’m doing a shot of anything, there better be a reasonable expectation that I’m not wearing pants within hours.

So these health dorks down their shots of wheat grass juice, and of course… wait for it… high five after they do them. If I wasn’t worn out from waiting for my Orange Dream Machine, I would have karate chopped them all, Kung Fu-style.

The lesson from all of this is the following: If Wisconsin ever does implement an asshole tax, I will dedicate my life to making sure wheat grass shots are on the list. I don’t care if it puts every poor wheat grass grower out of business. These health hippies must be stopped.

Caution: Only read this post if you like money. And lots of it.

I think we can all agree that the best part of a root beer float occurs when the ice cream melts and mixes with the root beer. When they’re separate, they are just ice cream and root beer. But when they mix, you get a magical tasting concoction that doesn’t occur elsewhere in nature.

I’m telling you – if someone were able to figure out a way to bottle the ice cream/root beer mix and sell it, I’d buy it by the case. It would be a lot easier than having to find an ice cream stand on the run, then waiting for the chemical transformation to take place. It would be a license to print money.

Two weeks ago, I appeared on WPT’s Here and Now show to introduce the radical notion that if the government is giving your 15-year old daughter contraceptive services, maybe you should know. This past week, singing editorialist Peter Leidy offered the contrary viewpoint. (Yes, you heard that right – he wrote a song about birth control.)

You can watch him rip me here (it’s at the 24 minute mark).

Osama bin Laden remains at large, but airlines have been vigilant in “cracking” down on the real threats to air travel.

By now, you may have heard of the sojurn of modern day civil rights activist Kyla Ebbert, who was asked to leave a Southwest Airlines flight because of her revealing clothing. Ebbert immediately took her case to the highest court in the land, the Today Show, to seek justice.

(To see the video, click here.)

Study this video carefully – I have gone over it with all the detail of a “CSI” investigator. While the secrets of the Kennedy assassination can’t be found in her teeny white skirt, there are some interesting details.

First of all, Matt Lauer makes her stand to show off her outfit. As she sits down, you can clearly see her white underwear under the skirt. Freeze the frame between the 1:33 and 1:34 mark – it’s a little hazy (like the Zapruder film), but it’s clearly there. If Oliver Stone doesn’t make a movie about this, there is no justice.

So it boils down to this: In going on national TV to try to show people that her outfit isn’t too revealing, this woman unknowlingly confirms that she is actually a slut. She cleared everything up, just in the wrong direction.

Furthermore, she claims that everyone on the plane was staring at her because she was lectured by the flight attendant. Interesting that she only became shy at that point, seeing as how she’s perfectly fine with allowing passengers to get a little face time with her birth canal.

My favorite part is when Matt Lauer claims that “he doesn’t see anything wrong from the waist up.” Of course, anyone with sight can see that her only real problem starts at the neck area and works its way up.

Naturally, she’ll probably sue, which means future Southwest customers will be picking up the legals bills to fight this hoochie. Makes you yearn for the old days when terrorists (and snakes) were all you had to worry about on your flight.

ESPN announcer Mike Golic, during the Arizona-San Francisco game tonight:

“Edgerrin James knows what to do when he finds a hole.”

Actually, he should be talking about Broncos’ running back Travis Henry.