Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: September 2007 (page 1 of 2)

"Here and Now," September Edition

Here\’s tonight\’s appearance on \”Here and Now.\”

Basically, it\’s just \”blah blah blah, look at my brown sweater, blah blah blah.\” And I\’m actually wearing makeup for the first time. So hopefully I don\’t look like Liza Minelli after a Vicodin bender.

Watch Me on the Boob Tube

I\’m on \”Here and Now\” again this week. I\’ll be talking about dirty money in politics. So watch.

Catholics Can\’t Catch a Break

By now, you\’ve probably heard about the ad for San Francisco\’s Folsom Street Fair, which mocks the Last Supper by substituting sex toys in the place of bread and wine. Needless to say, Catholic groups are outraged, especially at Miller Brewing for sponsoring the event.

It\’s no secret that the extreme end of the political left wing doesn\’t particularly have a soft spot for Catholicism. But a friend of mine pointed out something almost as bizarre from the extreme right.

\"\"Some of the extreme evangelical Christian groups passionately dislike Catholics. They refer to the Pope as the \”Minister of Satan.\” Often times, they create publications to hand out to make this point. In fact, one website urges parents… and I am not kidding… to drop some of the little cartoon books (called \”tracts\”) into trick or treaters\’ bags on Halloween.
Here\’s an example of a \”tract\” called \”Man in Black.\” It depicts a Catholic priest who is talked out of his religion by some shady, mustachioed bald guy. These selected cartoons refer to the Catholic religion as \”the Great Whore,\” claim that \”Vatican City controls the wealth of the world,\” and say that \”Mary was Satan\’s masterpiece to control his religious slaves.\”

So have a peek at what could be ending up in your kids\’ candy bags this Halloween:

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Man, and I thought getting Almond Joys in my bag was a bummer.

So, joined by their mutual dislike for Catholics, maybe the militant gay groups and these nutty Evangelicals can get together and join forces. But I would recommend they don\’t do it at the International Conference on Homo-Fascism.

Comment of the Year

So, you remember a couple of months ago, when I wrote a post about my night going to see Guns n\’ Roses tribute band Paradise City? Of course you do.

Anyway, just today, the following epic comment showed up on that post. Here it is, in its glorious entirety:

Of ocurse you need to get oyur facts straight before you speak dipshit. Firsto fall Paradise City is the best GNR tribute in the country,,period 200 plus shows a year internationally and they all sell out. Mr. brownstoneisnt good enough to even tunes PCs guitars. Secondly, GNR would ALWAYS open for Bon Jovi on nay planet any venue any place. GNR had ONE decent album tha was a complete rip off of Get your wings by Aerosmith. they have sold 15 million copies of their entire catalog. Bon jovis record sales are well over 100 MILLION. pc/DOA WAS BY FAR THE BEST BAND EVER TO GRACE THE STAGE IN MIDDLETON WISCONSIN. OF OCURSE THE CLUB WAS AT CAPACITY AND THEY DID A 45 MINUTE ENCORE. OF COURSE THE SINGER BLEW YOU OFF, YOUR A DIPSHIT AND THE GUYS AN ACTUAL ROCKSTAR. DO YOUR RESEARCH IDIOT!!!! WHY BE PISSED OFF AND WIRTE A BUNCH OF GARBAGE AND MAKE FUN ABOUT GUYS THAT MAKE WAY MORE MONEY THAN YOU. ARE U MAD BECAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS BLOWING THE DRUMMER IN THE PARKING LOT

Dale Houston 09.27.07 – 11:34 am

Such passion! So, apparently I have now started a gang war between supporters of Paradise City and Mr. Brownstone. Also, this young man made it clear that PC is the best band ever to play in Middleton, Wisconsin, and if I only did my research, I would know that. Where exactly do I look that up? The Library of Congress?

Also, I am a little upset to find out what my girlfriend was doing in the parking lot. I imagine my wife will probably be a little more upset, though.

Oh, and remember – Mr. Brownstone at High Noon Saloon on the 27th. My costume is already in the works. Be there, sucka!

University of Wisconsin Tackles the Big Issues

The research arm of the UW-Madison finally answers the age-old question: Is there actually a \”five second rule\” when you drop food on the floor?

If a piece of toast fell on the floor, would you pick it up and eat it? You probably would if you believe in the 5-second rule, which suggests that your spilled breakfast stays germ-free as long as you snatch it up in five seconds.

But while the 5-second rule remains a popular rule of thumb, there is no hard science to support it, says Glenn Chambliss, a bacteriologist at UW-Madison. In fact, if you dropped food in places harboring nasties like E. Coli bacteria, any contamination would happen instantaneously, the scientist says.

Next up for the UW: Debunking the myth of \”he who smelt it dealt it.\”

I Bet Ned Yost Feels Good About Himself Now

Contrary to the spirit of my last Brewer-related post, I\’ve never been a \”Fire Ned Yost\” kind of guy. Recently, he\’s made some terrible decisions that defy reason. But it\’s not his fault his bullpen is so atrocious – although continuing to use Derrick Turnbow is his fault.

That being said, Yost\’s decision to intentionally hit Albert Pujols with one out in the 8th inning of a game where you\’re losing 3-2 might be the dumbest thing I have ever seen a manager do. After the Cubs had lost, you know your team can pull to within one game with a win. But you intentionally put a runner on and bring in Turnbow, who isn\’t exactly known for getting through innings without allowing baserunners. All so you can get back at Tony La Russa, who is obviously (Barry Bonds excepted) the biggest a-hole in baseball. So congratulations – you got back at the Cardinals, and you can bask in the glory while sitting at home during the playoffs.

Naturally, as I typed this paragraph, Turnbow went hit-walk-walk to give up a run. Then Shouse gave up three more. Boy, I must be a genius. Nobody could have guessed that it might be a bad idea to give up free outs in a crucial game just to prove your manhood.

So congratulations to Ned Yost on losing this crucial game, getting thrown out, and embarrassing himself in the process. I guess you can do that when you get a vote of confidence from your owner. If only someone could have predicted Yost would do something royally stupid to cost themselves a chance at the playoffs.

Oh wait… I did.

And as long as I\’m still venting…

Tony La Russa now officially owns Ned Yost. He got in his head by creating an imaginary beanball war, knowing Yost would lose his cool at some point. If this were prison, Yost would be applying La Russa with daily sponge baths. Yost should just give La Russa his wife and the keys to his car while he\’s at it.

I picked up my computer and started typing this post the second they hit Pujols, knowing full well what was about to happen. I can\’t even explain how painful it is to me that I was absolutely right. Hey, it\’s only been 25 years since the last playoff appearance – what\’s one more, right? It was more important that we get even with the Cardinals.

I was going to complain about the stupidity in the way the Brewers gave up Cardinal runs 2 and 3 (serving up a 3-1 fastball to a power hitter with a light-hitter behind him and 2 outs), but Yost actually managed to eclipse that stupidity with the granddaddy of all managerial abominations. So it\’s not even worth mentioning.

I apologize for the semi-lucidity of this post, but it was written in a blind rage between periods of heavy swearing and almost blacking out.

UPDATE: Thanks to Wrigleyville23 for the link. Feel free to have a good laugh at our expense.

Health Care Letter of the Year

Here\’s the \”Healthy Wisconsin\” Letter to the Editor of the Year, from a self-described Atheist who decides to lecture Christians on why God supports Senate Democrats:

If I were to label myself religiously, I\’d have to say I\’m an atheist. However, I think that the myths surrounding Jesus\’ life offer good lessons in how we should treat people, especially the ones about how he healed others even if they couldn\’t afford a copayment or weren\’t covered by his HMO.

Because of this, I am befuddled about why church-going Republican senators are opposed to universal health care in the form of the Healthy Wisconsin plan. I think it\’s just good old moral values to want every pregnant woman, regardless of income or residency, to have the best care possible for herself and her baby. Or for every person who needs a life-saving medical procedure to have access to it. Thank God it\’s not me!

Now before you fall victim to the venomous propaganda they are putting out against this plan, make sure you do your own research. And search your heart as well as your head. Why shouldn\’t we all have equal access to health care? It sounds like the Christian thing to do.

TERRY MEINEN

Altoona

Of course, supporters of Healthy Wisconsin have announced they are willing to drop the program in exchange for $1 billion in new taxes in spending.  Somewhere, Baby Jesus is crying.

Actually, given the Senate Democrats\’ insistence that they are going to continue to push the abominable Healthy Wisconsin plan later in this legislative session, I thought of a relevant Biblical passage.  From 2 Peter 2:22:

\”But that word of the true proverb has happened to them: The dog has turned back to his own vomit; and, The washed sow to her rolling in mud.\”

May the Peace (of Cheddar) Be With You

Every night, my kids get to watch a TV show before they go to bed. Recently, my son has been saying \”Jesus, Jesus, Jesus\” every night when the show gets started. I thought \”hey, maybe the kid is getting an early start in religion.\”

What I realized later is that he was actually responding to an advertisement that runs before every episode of the show. That would be an ad for Chuck E. Cheese\’s. He\’s saying \”cheese\’s\” over and over and over.

So it looks like it\’s going to take thousands of dollars\’ worth of a Catholic education for me to teach him the difference between this guy:

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And this guy:

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Going Deep Undercover

From Pennsylvania, a great new law enforcement strategy – in the interest of justice (and strengthening the penal system):

Offended by a masseuse\’s offer to go beyond routine rubbing into something downright unprintable, the spa customer went to the state police and offered his services: He would take on the role of confidential informant and gather evidence of prostitution at North Whitehall\’s Shiatsu Spa.He ended up having sex four times in the name of justice.When that fact emerged this week during a Lehigh County Court hearing for one of two spa employees charged with prostitution in the 2006 case, it cast light on a surprisingly common and irony-rich investigative procedure: having civilians pay for sex during crackdowns on sex-for-pay.

Someone call J.B. Van Hollen – I\’ll take one for the team and head up this important investigation, one arrest at a time. Knowing me, it won\’t take long.

Wait… what?

Happy Birthday!

It was my son\’s second birthday today. Not too hard to tell which of his gifts were bought for him by his dad. (And if I ever figure out who it is, I\’ll be sure to thank him.)

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Don\’t ask where he learned the cool \”point at the camera\” trick.

Family of the Year Award

\"\" Des Moines police investigate attack by onion

September 20, 2007

A Des Moines man went to jail Wednesday afternoon for allegedly throwing an onion at his wife.The police report begins: \”(The victim) states her husband had been drinking and they got into an argument.\”James Izzolena, 54, of 3515 Sheridan Ave., was charged with domestic assault causing injury. Police said he became upset with his wife, Nicole Izzolena, 27, and tossed an onion at her, striking her in the back of the head. She told police it made her head hurt. James Izzolena admitted throwing the onion, police said, but he claimed he did not intend to hit her with it. He was being held without bond pending a court appearance today.

Girls and Cars

oaI headed over to my local auto parts store yesterday to pick up a tire gauge. I figured I might want to inflate my tires at least once a year, and it might be helpful to know how much air I was putting in them.

As I got out of my car, there was a store employee standing by a customer\’s car, looking at the engine. The customer happened to be a gorgeus girl wearing a tube top shirt. The male employee was pointing at something in her engine, and said \”yeah, I can replace that for about eight bucks.\”

Now you know damn well auto stores don\’t even think about fixing anything for under a hundred bucks. Is there any question that if it was me standing there (tube top or not), I would be looking at a $250 repair? In fact, that might be a good part time job for hot girls – drive ugly man cars to the shop to get a better deal on repairs, then take a cut of the savings. (Actually, I\’ve seen studies that show women get worse deals on auto repairs, since mechanics assume they know less about engines. Break out the charm, girls.)

But this also got me to thinking about girls and cars in general. Haven\’t you noticed that girls never drive really crappy cars? I\’m not talking about cars that might not be the latest model. I\’m talking about reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaallllllly crappy cars. The ones with three wheels and more rust than paint.

My first car was a 1981 Chevette that my dad bought from the neighbors for $200. It had a bumper sticker that said \”I Brake For Unicorns\” and sheep fur seat covers. I then upgraded and bought a rusty $700 1983 Datsun from some guy in downtown Milwaukee. It had a muffler that used to drag and spark all over the highway – so I had to keep wire coat hangers in my trunk to wire it up when it broke loose. I used to drive it across country, and it had no interior dashboard lights – so I had to use a lighter to see how fast I was going at night. (Bumper sticker: \”A Grouchy German is a Sour Kraut.\”)

And you never see girls with cars like these. Why is that? Is it because dads and husbands are more concerned about the safety of their girls? Are women just more willing to spend money on a more secure car? Do women demand a better ride because they\’re more likely to be hauling the kids around?

Regardless of the reason, it is clear that men are willing to put up with a lot more crappiness out of their car. Unless they\’re bald, of course.

Here\’s Why the Brewers are Done

We all like the thrill of a pennant chase, but don\’t hold your breath. Here\’s why:

Tonight\’s game, top of the 7th, one out. Dave Bush has been cruising, and has a 2-1 lead. There\’s one out and Ned Yost elects to let Bush hit for himself, presumably because he\’s going to keep using him. Bush actually gets a hit, but the inning fizzles.

Bottom of the 7th starts, and the pitcher is… Scott Linebrink?

As you may know, I am certainly no fan of Linebrink\’s. But if you were going to bring him in, what in the hell was Bush doing batting for himself in the top of the inning? And why, after showing you were committed to him staying in the game by letting him bat, would you pull a pitcher that was cruising through inning after inning – especially with a suspect bullpen?

Naturally, Linebrink comes in, immediately gives up a hit, runs the count full, and gets the hitter to line out, doubling up Carlos Lee on first. Linebrink then gives up another hit, then walks a batter. After Yost has to yank Linebrink\’s ass out of the game, Brian Shouse gives up the game tying hit.

This is why all the Brewer fans can stop their worrying now. If the Brewers have a manager that can\’t even figure out the simplest of maneuvers – and continues to use Derrick Turnbow in any capacity other than carrying bags to and from the team bus, they won\’t sniff the playoffs. And it really is too bad. Thanks for the season, guys.

UPDATE: Some more questions…

How many times is Ryan Braun going to be pulled for a defensive replacement, only to have his position come up again?

Top of the 9th, you\’re down two runs, and have a full bench – and you let the .231 hitting Craig Counsell hit for himself? Sure, Weeks bailed him out – but why just give away an out to start the inning?

Matt Wise comes in in the 10th and gives up two hits. First and second, no out with Carlos Lee coming up. By not pulling him for Cordero at that point (who had warmed up), you\’re telling everyone that you\’re perfectly willing to concede defeat.

With Wise in, there were men on first and third with one out. A run can beat you. Why wouldn\’t you walk the .323 hitter (Pence), to set up the force at any base and make the worse hitter (Wigginton, .282) beat you?

Simply Delicious

\"\" As of a couple weeks ago, 80% of my diet now consists of Simply Asia pre-cooked noodle bowls. They\’re a huge step up from other noodles, although the name sounds more like an order made to an escort service than a food product.

In fact, since I started eating them, I wondered how actual Asian people would feel about Simply Asia noodle bowls. I mean, certainly there has to be more to Asia than microwave noodles, right?

Yesterday at work, I was in the office kitchen cooking up my Simply Asia bowl, and an Asian guy walked up behind me to microwave something. I admit, I kind of turned my body around so he couldn\’t see what I was eating. Because if he was in the kitchen eating \”Cracker McHonkey\’s Microwaved Mozarella Sticks,\” I\’d probably think it was strange. Hopefully, Governor Doyle\’s recent trip to China got this all smoothed out so I can eat my noodles in peace.

But if you can get over the cultural ramifications, I\’d recommend them highly. Although they cost more than the 12 cent packs of Ramen noodles.

A Comedian That Deserves Notice

\"\" Before last week, I had barely heard of D.L. Hughley, and couldn\’t name a single thing he had been in. After reading this ballsy interview with The Onion, I decided I should seek out some more of his work. Of course, he has yet to prove that he\’s really funny – just that he\’s not afraid to speak his mind about the disgrace of race hustlers and the damage done by the victimhood industry.

Some clips, beginning with Hughley addressing protestors complaining about derogatory remarks he made about the Rutgers women\’s basketball team:

Q: So when you\’ve called your protestors \”clowns\” and \”buffoons\”—

DLH: I think they are! I think they\’re clowns. In this country, 93 percent of black people are killed by other black people. One in three black people in this country can\’t read right now. There are more black men in jail than in college. AIDS is growing in the black community at an unprecedented rate. And you\’re worrying about what a comedian is saying? If you\’re an activist, do something about the shit that you claim is important! Me saying or not saying something is never going to change our station in the world. I\’ve talked about any number of issues. I\’ve been in front of presidents and I\’ve been in front of plumbers, and I\’ve been consistent. I believe what I believe, and I don\’t have to defend myself. She can say whatever she wants to say—that\’s her right, and I respect that right. But I will not now, never, or at any time defend myself or apologize for the way I see the world.

Later, he goes after Al Sharpton:

Q: Actually, they did get a response from Al Sharpton.

DLH: And what did Al say? You know what, I don\’t care what Al said. I honestly could care less what he thinks. I think these cats are just opportunists. I don\’t see where they\’ve made the world any better, or actually taken a stand about anything that matters. I think in the quest to be relevant, they\’ve put themselves in the bin of obscurity. Al Sharpton\’s been on my TV show, and he\’s sat in front of me, and I\’ve said the exact same things.

Q: It\’s funny that you call Sharpton an \”opportunist,\” because his letter says your joke was an \”obvious attempt to create publicity\” for yourself, and that it\’s sad that you would \”stoop to behavior that is disrespectful to women as a means of self promotion.\”

DLH: Al Sharpton\’s actually gonna say \”self-promotion\”? Al Sharpton?! C\’mon, man, let\’s be real. How many people really respect what Al Sharpton says, really? He doesn\’t show up unless there\’s a camera around. I\’m one of the best in the country at what I do, and I don\’t need to pretend to be anything else. I\’m not pretending to be a preacher while going all over the country getting involved in bullshit fights. I don\’t go to Duke University and accuse people of shit and then when I found out I\’m wrong, not apologize. I don\’t pretend to be a leader and then do the most asinine shit. I don\’t pretend to ban the \”n\” word while watching people starve. The only difference between me and Al Sharpton is that I\’m paid to make people laugh. And when his tally is said and done, if the fact that he got Don Imus off the air is his greatest accomplishment in civil rights? If Al Sharpton\’s mad at me, I think I\’ve done something right. [Laughs.] That\’s the f***ing truth.

Read the whole thing – especially when he goes after the interviewer, who is clearly irritated at his answers. You may not agree with some of the things he has to say, but it\’s refreshing that he refuses to be intimidated by the usual suspects.

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