With all of the juicy topics regarding Governor Doyle\’s proposed cigarette tax (his flip-flop on raising the tax, whether the money will be used for health care, using taxes to regulate behavior of a legal product, etc.), it\’s no wonder most discussions of the plan fall into those categories.

However, despite what Doyle would have you believe, there are more people affected by the proposal than just the consumers paying the tax. Doyle\’s logic: people who purchase cigarettes will be the ones paying the tax, and will be the ones that need the health care in the future – plus, the higher taxes will convince more people to stop smoking, as lighting up will become cost prohibitive.

Forgotten in that whole equation is the fact that people who buy cigarettes have to get them from somewhere. They buy them from grocery stores, gas stations, and bars, all of whom make money off their sale.

In 2003, the Wisconsin Department of Health and Family Services reported that 387.6 million packs of cigarettes were smoked in the state. For argument\’s sake, let\’s say the average cost per pack was $1.50 (not counting the 77 cent state tax). That comes to $581 million in sales made by businesses in 2003 (a rough estimate, to be sure).

Let\’s say Doyle\’s program is wildly succesful and results in a dramatic 50% drop in cigarette consumption. Those are sales that are going to have to be made up by those grocery stores and mom and pop gas stations. Since you\’re smart, you may have already figured out how a small grocery store would make up the lost revenue from declining cigarette sales. They, of course, would raise prices on everything else: jelly would be a nickel more, diapers would go up a dime. So in essence, depressing sales of cigarettes (still a legal product), just pops prices up elsewhere. So it ends up being a tax on everyone, regardless of their smoking habits.

Additionally, as long as cigarette sales via internet are still legal, you can expect a huge jump in those sales in Wisconsin – especially since they are exempt from the tax. This would further damage local businesses, and not do anything to really keep cigarette consumption down. According to tobaccofreekids.org, internet sales accounted for 14% of the total tobacco market in 2005, and the trend is growing.

Another portion of Doyle\’s plan is confusing. If he\’s so convinced of the evils of tobacco companies, why does the State of Wisconsin Investment Board invest so heavily in them? According to the 2005 schedule of investments, the State retirement fund holds the following stocks:

British American Tobacco: 1.2 million shares, worth $23 million
Imperial Tobacco Group: 955,000 shares, worth $25.7 million
Japan Tobacco: 572 shares, worth $7.6 million

And those are just the ones with the words \”Tobacco\” in their names. Surely, there are many more that are subsidiaries of other companies.

What Doyle is doing, in essence, is taking on the tobacco companies, which state retirees have a financial interest in seeing do well. In fact, their retirement funds depend on it. Wouldn\’t the unions have a problem with this?

Finally, few people are pointing out that an increase on the cigarette tax is about as regressive as a sales tax can get. The poor and minorities buy cigarettes at a disproportionately higher level, so it really is a tax increase on those groups.

An excellent summary of tobacco use and taxes can be found in this Legislative Fiscal Bureau paper. It includes this interesting tidbit that explains how the Native American tribes figured into the current sales tax configuration:

The tax on cigarettes was converted from an occupational tax to an excise tax in 1983. This change allowed the state to impose the tax on sales of cigarettes made by Native Americans to non-Native Americans on reservations. Currently, the state has agreements with most Native American tribes through which Native American retailers purchase and sell only stamped (taxed) cigarettes. The state then provides a refund to the tribes of 70% of the tax paid on sales to non-Native Americans and 100% of the tax paid on sales to Native Americans (federal law prohibits states from imposing a cigarette tax on sales by Native Americans to Native Americans on reservations). The refund provision was enacted to encourage Native American retailers to sell only stamped cigarettes. Previously, unstamped cigarettes were sold on reservations, which raised concern regarding competition and the administration and collection of taxes for sales to non-Native Americans. The refund provision was enacted as part of the 1983-85 biennial budget.

I admit that I personally have never tried the famous \”steal a suspected terrorist\’s cell phone from his pocket, then three minutes later try to sneak it back into his pocket\” maneuver, but I can\’t imagine it has a high success rate.

At times, I like to point out examples of bad or slanted reporting in the local news media. This isn\’t because I\’m particularly mean, I just think sometimes I can provide perspective on issues that you don\’t normally see covered by reporters. However, I have found an issue that has caused me to sympathize with local media. That is; how do you cover candidates that are completely crazy?

I\’m not talking \”crazy\” in the sense of \”I disagree with every word they say,\” kind of crazy. Take the mayoral race here in Madison as a prime example. Will Sandstrom is once again running for mayor, and he is completely nuts. Seriously – somewhere there is an empty bed at a mental health facility crying out for him. During mayoral candidate debates, he is prone to long diatribes about his mother contracting gangrene, his father cooking moonshine, kids calling him \”China Boy\” growing up, his time dodging bullets in a Russian prison, and how he coined the term \”Fish and Wildlife.\”

A 2003 State Journal piece on Sandstrom contained this gem:

In 1970, he tried to run for governor, insisting the Mafia had stolen the nation and was prolonging the Vietnam War to protect its drug trade. But when he tried to deliver nominating petitions, he said, he was arrested at the state Capitol for an outstanding parking ticket. He was disqualified over questions about nominating petitions, news accounts say.

In a recent question posed by The Isthmus regarding public financing of the Overture Center, Sandstrom accused Mayor Dave Cieslewicz of funneling \”millions\” of dollars to the Mafia. At a 2003 debate, he brought up nude swimming, Bing Crosby and Argentina\’s economic crisis, and called his opponents \”boobs.\”

In 2003, Sandstrom caused a stir when he warned of the dangers of Mexican and Chinese immigration, and the increase in crime that would result. The Capital Times printed a feature where candidates were allowed to question each other on whatever issue they saw fit. Candidate Bert Zipperer, who listed race relations as his \”number one\” issue for Madison, asked the following question, and received this response from Sandstrom. Seriously.

Zipperer\’s Question:

Research done by a professor at UW-Green Bay has identified the nation from which the most undocumented workers in Wisconsin come from. That nation is Canada. Do you believe that we can create a community where all groups, including our Canadian brothers and sisters, are valued for their contributions?

Sandstrom\’s Response:

We need not buy into some Green Bay-New York City professor\’s schmaltzy spin. In the 1950s I heard a New York City \”wolf authority\” professor state, \”In winter wolves do not murder Bambi and Daisy, the deer, but rather dig through snow to eat frozen grasshoppers.\” That professor was \”hopping on grass.\” I agree that many illegal immigrants come both by Mexico and Canada. But their contributions are needed desperately in their homelands. It is morally wrong that both America and Europe entice and steal people of value from their homelands and allow very low wage labor illegals to bust unions and take jobs from American citizens.

The hard part for the media is to figure out how to cover fringe candidates like this. The State Journal can\’t just introduce him as \”Will Sandstrom, crazy person,\” even though anyone who has heard him speak for more than a minute knows this is the case. The paper can\’t pretend like it\’s taking sides in its non-editorial coverage of the race, so it has to present him as a viable candidate.

On the other hand, when the paper does cover a nutjob like Sandstrom, it\’s a complete waste of everyone\’s time, not to mention valuable column inches (Madison Magazine agrees).Plus, anyone who knows anything about the mayoral race knows that Sandstrom is a crazy person, so the paper loses a little credibility when they try to cover him in a serious way. We know he\’s nuts, and we know the reporter knows he\’s nuts, so why can\’t the paper just say so?

Take the article that appeared in the State Journal about Sandstrom today. The worst the article could say about Sandstrom was that Bert Zipperer thought he was a racist. If you oppose spending 80% of the city\’s budget on race relations programs, Zipperer likely thinks you are a racist, so is this really a damning charge?

In 2003, the State Journal published a brief \”pros and cons\” section about the mayoral candidates. For Sandstrom, they wrote:

* Will Sandstrom. Well educated and boldly speaks his mind, and has appealing property tax cut theme. But he lacks name recognition and executive experience, and ethnic comments have drawn boos.

Oh yeah, that and he\’s F\’ING INSANE! They forgot that part.

I do think the local papers have tried their best to strike a balance with crazy candidates. Often times, they are only casually mentioned in their coverage of debates. But rarely are they covered in the negative light that they deserve. Often times, they are handed the attention they seek, which just promotes more and more non-serious candidates in the future.

Mostly, I blame the good government crowd. They demand that all these wierdos be allowed to participate in debates, when it\’s the public that suffers the most. People that go to a debate to hear Ray Allen, Dave Cieslewicz and Peter Munoz discuss relevant issues instead have to suffer through a half hour of Will Sandstrom\’s take on how Russian prostitution is Madison\’s number one issue. And everyone will sit politely, squirming in their seats until he\’s done, and pretend like it never happened. And we\’re all poorer as a result.

UPDATE: Here\’s the audio from a 2003 debate where Sandstrom goes on a legendary diatribe that is somehow supposed to explain why he should be mayor of Madison, Wisconsin. The question was about garbage collection or something, and he went on for two minutes about being embarrassed to walk around with his mother because she had gangrene. When he finished, the look on Paul Soglin\’s face was classic, as he actually had to try to answer the question without laughing.

Speaking of the disabled and libraries (how often do you say that on any given day?), my wife has found herself in a moral quandry. There\’s a new book out by an author that she really likes, and the library system has 25 copies. Unfortunately, there are 85 people on the waiting list for the book. The ink could disintegrate on the pages before she gets her hands on a copy.

There are, however, 5 copies of the LARGE TYPE version of the book available, and only 6 people on the waiting list. She wanted to know if by checking out the large type version, it\’s like parking in a handicapped parking spot. I told her that if she checks out one of the large type books, some old woman is going to be sitting at home, alone, crying in her denture cleaner. I told her that as long as she\’s in the mood, she should go around stealing walkers from the elderly.

This brings up an interesting question – are large type books like big screen plasma TVs for the literate? After reading him with large print and bigger pages, am I totally going to get Wittgenstein? If that\’s true, I\’m doing the rest of my posts in larger fonts – it\’ll make my lame jokes 30% funnier.

There\’s also a joke to be had about reading nudie mags in braile, but I can\’t think of it. Feel free to submit.

There are three main points covered in this instructive consumer message – and there will be a quiz, so pay attention. Answers will be posted below.

Answers:

1. Montgomery
2. Flea Market
3. Just like a mini-mall

Congratulations, you pass. Now make sure your wedding DJ gets his hands on this ill flow.

I was doing some valuable research in my local library the other night (actually, I was looking through the CDs to see which ones I could check out and add to my iTunes). As I was browsing, a dude wearing a Bears jacket rolled up in a wheelchair.

My first instinct was to give him the stink-eye for being a Bears fan. But then I realized that would probably be bad, since he would immediately peg me as being anti-disabled people. In the end, I decided against engaging him at all, even though I was totally ready to rib him about whether he just bought that jacket on Monday.

I then got to thinking about how people are probably afraid to challenge the differently-abled, just because they don\’t want to get on their bad side. Who wants to be the jerk that yells at a crippled guy for cutting in front of him in the grocery store line? At that point, you\’ve just stamped \”HELL\” on your passport.

I\’d love it if people never gave me a hard time about anything. Damn, being in a wheelchair must be great.

Dave Barry is providing a play by play account of each Day Six episode over at his blog. They are not to be missed. Here\’s the one from this week.

Past episodes:

Prelude

Hours 1 and 2

Hours 3 and 4

There you go – it\’s up to you to check from now on.

U.S Capitol (AP) – In tonight\’s state of the union address, President George W. Bush unveiled a bold plan to regain public confidence in the Iraq War. \”Difficult times in Iraq call for drastic changes – and renaming the war after President Ronald Reagan is a serious step that needs to be taken,\” said Bush, referring to the former President who enjoyed historically high approval ratings following his death in 2004.

\”Renaming the war after our greatest president is a stroke of genius,\” said Grover Norquist, who founded the Ronald Reagan Legacy project, an organization whose sole goal is to get crap named after Reagan. \”It\’s not often you see a worldwide disaster of this magnitude – Reagan\’s name will be in the paper every day for the next decade,\” gushed Norquist.

Bush announced his plan immediately before he detailed his push for a troop surge in Iraq. \”The war has been going extremely well up to this point, so naturally we need to do the same thing, just more of it and all at once,\” explained the President, before he started laughing at how f\’ing stupid that sounded.

Sensing discontent with his speech, Bush stopped midway through and immediately made every member of Congress a delicious turkey sandwich. \”It was an uncoventional move, but his use of cranberry sauce as a topping was unparalleled,\” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

\”The American soldiers who have died in Iraq are heroes,\” said Bush, adding that the war is creating more and more heroes on a daily basis. \”The second worst thing that can happen to a fallen soldier is to devalue their sacrifice by opposing the war,\” said Bush. Coincidentally, the worst thing that can happen to a soldier is to no longer be alive.

Bush also announced that Baghdad will now be known as \”Lance Armstrong,\” and that roadside bombs will be known as \”Barbaros.\” Furthermore, internment camps will be set up in America for anyone that appears to have a unibrow. The latter move was immediately denounced by TV President Wayne Palmer, who had one of his writers script a third-grade level explanation of what internment camps were for him, and why they were bad. Finally, Bush announced that all military decisions would be made by a popular vote of the public. The American public responded by saying they would get around to planning the next strategic attack after taking a nap, watching the Rachael Ray Show, and heading downtown to cash their child support check.

Another provision of Bush\’s bold new agenda will mandate that bad news in Iraq now delivered to American citizens by a sassy, ambiguously gay Brit. \”Americans love nothing better that having bad news being broken to them by tight t-shirt wearing British men,\” observed Bush. Following the Democratic response criticizing his speech, Bush pleaded with judges to give him a chance to just do one more speech, since his throat was a little dry the first time.

Detractors of the President\’s plan point out that he stole the idea from the best-selling Gerald Ford Feminine Napkins, unveiled late last year. Having failed to bring a Western-style democracy to Iraq, Bush lowered expectations and instead said that he would settle for installing a western-style Baskin Robbins restaurant in Baghdad.

So the Super Bowl is set, as is the storyline that will be pounded into our heads for the next two weeks – that Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy are the first two African-American head coaches to make the Super Bowl. Since modern sport stories are usually geared toward the lowest common denominator, this is the story that sports writers will think is the cheapest hit. It\’s only a matter of time before a reporter at Media Day asks Tony Dungy, \”so how long have you been black?\”

If I were African-American, I would probably think that was pretty cool – America can never have enough positive \”firsts\” for African-Americans. But let\’s not get carried away – African-Americans shouldn\’t exactly sit by their mailboxes waiting for their \”Lovie Check\” to show up in the mail.

To point out that both these coaches are black over and over again seems insulting and condescending – as if they are at some inherent coaching disadvantage simply because of their skin color. (Lovie Smith\’s greatest disadvantage is that he has a caucasian quarterback who sucks.) It has an almost \”Awwww…. aren\’t those black coaches cute\” type of vibe to it – like when they give a kid in a wheelchair an at-bat in tee ball.

What they are are simply two excellent head coaches who paid their dues. Unfortunately, it took too long for them to be able to start gaining the experience they have now. However, there have been really good African-American coaches for years and years now. Herm Edwards will make a Super Bowl, as will Marvin Lewis. People keep hiring Denny Green for some reason. The dude the Steelers just hired will suck, but not because he\’s black – because he was a Vikings assistant coach.

For the next two weeks, however, this will be a celebration of condescending white guilt on display. Sports commentators will be able to announce to the world how happy they are that there are two black coaches in the Super Bowl, and the sins of all their ancestors will vanish. Certainly, celebrating the skin color of two head coaches will go a long way to helping African-American kids trapped in failing schools with single mothers barely staying afloat. As I\’ve said before, America shouldn\’t be judged on how many black head coaches we have – we should be judged on how many black CEOs, computer programmers, and doctors we have. And we\’re not doing well.

But this will be the obvious story that will be drilled into us over and over. Just like last week, when we were led to believe that New Orleans is only liveable now because the Saints won a few games this year. So now that the Saints lost today, does that mean New Orleans falls back to being a hopeless, unliveable hellhole?

So it\’s time to celebrate, Black America – all your problems have now been solved with these two head coaches making the Super Bowl. Racism has officially been eradicated – because Chris Berman told me so. Hopefully, African Americans will be able to cope with the fact that one of these coaches will actually lose.

That being said, go Colts.

It goes without saying that for all races and cultures to co-exist in America, there will need to be a high level of cross-cultural acceptance. On the other hand, some Hmong men may be stretching things just a little bit.

From today’s Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (AP) — A 22-year-old Hmong man who impregnated his 16 year-old wife when she was 15 will avoid jail by speaking to other Hmong about the importance of adhering to U.S. law.

“This resolution not only allows Lee to avoid a serious felony conviction and registration as a sex offender, it also provides education to traditional members of the Hmong community that while they have every right to celebrate their traditions and customs, they must do so in compliance with the law,” he said.

The article also points out that they were not married when she was impregnated. So as long as you\’re from the right ethnic group, feel free to scope for dates at Chuck E. Cheese. But this paragraph killed me:

It\’s common for Hmong girls in Laos to marry and have children at age 15 or 16. But the Lees, who were both born in the United States, said their decision to have a child had nothing to do with their Hmong heritage.

So they admit it had nothing to do with being Hmong? So what did it have to do with? Lee\’s desire to throw it in a 15 year old? And for this he gets a slap on the wrist? He was better off with the Hmong cultural excuse.

Clearly, not all Hmong residents adhere to some of their traditions that conflict with Wisconsin law. However, there are also some who don’t – which is why the state needs to fund programs like the Refugee Family Strengthening Project, a state program that primarily teaches Hmong men that beating their wives is illegal.

In 2004, Jim Doyle described the need for the program in a Department of Workforce Development press release, saying there was a need to “address family violence arising from cultural adjustment issues faced by refugee families as they assimilate into new communities within Wisconsin.”

The Legislative Fiscal Bureau described the need for the program thusly:

Domestic abuse service providers believe domestic abuse is more prevalent among immigrant women than among U.S. citizens. Research has found that victims of domestic violence from certain communities, including non-English speaking communities, face greater barriers in accessing protections from abuse. Some of these barriers are lack of information about U.S. laws, lack of economic resources, language barriers, lack of culturally relevant services, and the socio-cultural impact on women from traditional cultures who decide to leave a marriage.

In the 2005-07 budget (p. 116, item 13), Doyle proposed $1.12 million in general purpose revenue for the Refugee Family Strengthening program. Legislative Republicans, not wanting to touch the issue with a 20 foot pole, approved the funding with a modest suggestion that the Governor should find the funding from a different source in the future.

Obviously, domestic abuse is a matter to be taken seriously. And the state does – in 2004-05, Wisconsin spent over $8 million in state and federal dollars on domestic abuse services, battered women shelters, and the like. Is it really necessary to spend extra money to teach people what the law is?

The Jason Lee case described above is a perfect example. Lee was born in America, impregnated a 15 year old, and didn\’t even claim that it was a “cultural” act. Yet he gets lenience anyway – the court actually applied a defense to Lee that he didn’t even claim.

With Hmong men who abuse their wives, they likely make a claim that their behavior is “cultural.” So instead of treating their behavior with the seriousness it demands, we excuse their behavior and spend a million dollars in scarce general purpose tax revenue to teach them what the law is. Sounds pretty “sensitive,” unless you’re a woman victimized by one of these “cultural” attacks.

It was a huge night in our household, as my daughter pooped on the toilet for the first time. We celebrated like she had just won an academy award (I would put a red carpet out leading up to the toilet, but people might confuse the poop for Joan Rivers.)

After 10 minutes of telling her what a Super Duper Pooper was, she actually started displaying some false modesty. She said, \”Dad, it wasn\’t that big of a deal.\” She\’s almost Dwyane Wade-esque in her ability to downplay her superhuman abilities.

And when she reads this in 10 years, there is a 90% chance she will poison me.

Seeing as how American Idol is the most popular show in the world, and seeing as how two Wisconsin natives moved on to Hollywood on last night\’s show, I don\’t think it\’s a stretch at all to say that the Badger State is now calling the shots on a global stage, at least until tonight\’s show. (Wisconsin is now the world\’s crack spider, if you will – see previous post.)

Denise Jackson of Madison and Sarah Krueger of Eau Claire both impressed the judges on a day where most other contestants looked dreadful. Jackson taught us all an important lesson – that if you do crack while your baby is in the womb, it is likely that your child will be able to sing like Billie Holliday.

Anyway, I hope the whole City of Madison gets behind her when the Hollywood competition starts (even though I think it\’s already been filmed, right?) I will be at any rally the city holds for her. It might be the only way I can get a 16 year old girl to talk to me, since hanging out near high schools seems to be yielding mixed results.

In other big singing news, I caughed up a phlegm ball as big as a watermelon when attempting to sing \”Champagne Supernova\” yesterday. So there\’s that.

I\’m no doctor, but I\’m 90% sure I\’ll be dead by the end of the week. In fact, don\’t get to close to your computer – you might catch something.

As I do every Monday, this morning I gathered my trash and recycling up and started to take it out to the curb. My wife leaned out the door and told me that there wasn\’t any trash pickup today, since it\’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I then looked around my neighborhood and noticed most of my neighbors had their trash out at the curb. It all made sense when I remembered that they are all racist.

I was walking by a west side Madison ice cream shop yesterday, when a flier taped to their window caught my eye. In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. day on Monday, they are offering the \”I Have a Dream… Sundae,\” complete with a phony MLK speech about the importance of having a good sundae \”without being judged.\” I knew nobody would believe me, so I snapped a picture:

When hearing of the news, Michael\’s Frozen Custard immedately unveiled the \”Keep Hope Alive\” pork sandwich.

But seriously, who knew Michael Richards owned an ice cream store?

UPDATE: VH1 aired the \”Flavor of Love 2\” reunion show today – ironic, because that show single-handedly set back race relations by 30 years.

Oh, and I\’m kicking myself for not calling this post \”I have a Dreamsicle.\”