Representin’ The Dairy State

January 19 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

I remember watching a black comedian once who made a funny point about how African-Americans watch the news differently than whites. He said that when the anchor announces a murderer or robber has been apprehended, the first thing blacks say to themselves is, “Please, don’t be black.

It’s gotten to be the same thing when watching American Idol. As soon as they show a bearded freak, the first thing I mutter to myself is, “Please don’t be from Wisconsin.” In fact, I mumbled those very words right before they showed that red-headed cro-magnon from Superior on last night’s show (the one who did the falsetto “Bohemian Rhapsody” – the last bad one on this video.)

Fortunately, the Badger State dodged a bullet when “The Hotness” and the guy that looks like Golem proved to be from elsewhere.

I’m always looking out for how Wisconsin looks to outsiders – but I have to say stuff like this doesn’t exactly help.

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My Super Pooper

January 19 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

It was a huge night in our household, as my daughter pooped on the toilet for the first time. We celebrated like she had just won an academy award (I would put a red carpet out leading up to the toilet, but people might confuse the poop for Joan Rivers.)

After 10 minutes of telling her what a Super Duper Pooper was, she actually started displaying some false modesty. She said, “Dad, it wasn’t that big of a deal.” She’s almost Dwyane Wade-esque in her ability to downplay her superhuman abilities.

And when she reads this in 10 years, there is a 90% chance she will poison me.

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Wisconsin (Temporarily) Roolz the World

January 17 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

Seeing as how American Idol is the most popular show in the world, and seeing as how two Wisconsin natives moved on to Hollywood on last night’s show, I don’t think it’s a stretch at all to say that the Badger State is now calling the shots on a global stage, at least until tonight’s show. (Wisconsin is now the world’s crack spider, if you will – see previous post.)

Denise Jackson of Madison and Sarah Krueger of Eau Claire both impressed the judges on a day where most other contestants looked dreadful. Jackson taught us all an important lesson – that if you do crack while your baby is in the womb, it is likely that your child will be able to sing like Billie Holliday.

Anyway, I hope the whole City of Madison gets behind her when the Hollywood competition starts (even though I think it’s already been filmed, right?) I will be at any rally the city holds for her. It might be the only way I can get a 16 year old girl to talk to me, since hanging out near high schools seems to be yielding mixed results.

In other big singing news, I caughed up a phlegm ball as big as a watermelon when attempting to sing “Champagne Supernova” yesterday. So there’s that.

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What We Can Learn From Spiders

January 17 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

I know I’m always late to this stuff, but I did think this was funny.

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Death is Just the Part When You Stop Dying

January 16 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

I’m no doctor, but I’m 90% sure I’ll be dead by the end of the week. In fact, don’t get to close to your computer – you might catch something.

I had a court illustrator come do an artist’s rendering of me at home:

So when you’re whining about me not doing another post, I will be asleep and ignoring you. Trust me, nobody is more bummed than my daughter, who has been waiting patiently to go sledding with me and now can’t because daddy’s sick.
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Holiday Trash

January 15 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

As I do every Monday, this morning I gathered my trash and recycling up and started to take it out to the curb. My wife leaned out the door and told me that there wasn’t any trash pickup today, since it’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I then looked around my neighborhood and noticed most of my neighbors had their trash out at the curb. It all made sense when I remembered that they are all racist.

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You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

January 14 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

I was walking by a west side Madison ice cream shop yesterday, when a flier taped to their window caught my eye. In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. day on Monday, they are offering the “I Have a Dream… Sundae,” complete with a phony MLK speech about the importance of having a good sundae “without being judged.” I knew nobody would believe me, so I snapped a picture:

When hearing of the news, Michael’s Frozen Custard immedately unveiled the “Keep Hope Alive” pork sandwich.

But seriously, who knew Michael Richards owned an ice cream store?

UPDATE: VH1 aired the “Flavor of Love 2″ reunion show today – ironic, because that show single-handedly set back race relations by 30 years.

Oh, and I’m kicking myself for not calling this post “I have a Dreamsicle.”

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Taking Up a Collection for a Plane Ticket

January 12 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

Bill Lueders of The Isthmus is getting rave reviews for his new book Cry Rape, and I have enjoyed the excerpts of it that I’ve read. That being said, his piece in this week’s paper that attempts to make apologies for local criminal Vairin Meesouk is simply preposterous.

The story goes like this: Meesouk, 21, was arrested at and charged with multiple felonies at age 15 for breaking into and robbing several gas stations and convenience stores and setting a fire at one. A protracted legal battle followed, with the understanding that if sentenced to a felony, Meesouk (here legally but not a legal resident) could be deported to Laos. Eventually, the charges were reduced to misdemeanors.

By the time his charges were reduced, howerver, Meesouk had committed another crime. He and a group of friends broke into an apartment where the 77 year old resident was beaten and smothered until he lost consciousness. Meesouk initially lied to police and denied involvement, but later plead guilty to three felonies. One of his accomplices said Meesouk had punched the old man in the testicles.

The prosecutor immediately asked for a 10 year sentence, while Meesouk’s attorneys have asked for 364 days, to avoid the one-year threshold that could trigger deportation. Meesouk now has a two year old daughter, and his attorneys argue that he should stay in America to care for her. Since breaking in and assaulting the elderly man, Meesouk has had “minor scrapes with the law,” including a 2003 “altercation” with his sister for which he received two years probation.

Lueders concludes that deportation is too harsh of a penalty for Meesouk, as he is still a young man and is now a caring father. My observations differ dramatically:

1. We have reached a point in society now where having an illegitimate child is actually a sign of responsibility. The article doesn’t explicitly say the child is out of wedlock, but trust me – if Meesouk was married to the mother, that would have been in his talking points. Meesouk’s attorneys argue that he can’t be deported because he’s responsible… because he had a child with a woman to which… he’s not married. It’s like we’re living in a bizarro world – it’s like a kid killing his parents and then complaining that he’s an orphan.

2. Meesouk’s attorney argued for leniency and “maintained the youths broke in believing the residence was empty.” So it’s the old guy’s fault that he was there in the apartment when they broke in? How dare he be sitting home and enjoying Wheel of Fortune when these thugs broke into his house – the nerve of that guy! Kind of sounds like he deserved to be beaten and smothered unconscious to me.

3. The article argues that Meesouk is no longer a threat because he has a job. What happens when he’s fired or quits? Does he then go on an uncontrollable elderly nut-punching spree?

4. The article quotes the 77 year old victim as saying “that the trauma of this crime paled compared to what he experienced in World War II.” What in the world does this possibly mean? When people commit crimes, should we immediately compare their transgression to a World War II battlefield to see if it measures up? Does Meesouk deserve a lenient sentence because he wasn’t throwing grenades at the old guy? Try this defense when your wife catches you sleeping with your babysitter – “Yeah, honey, it was wrong. But you should have seen what was going on in ‘Nam.”

5. Chances of Lueders going to the wall for Meesouk if he has a white kid from suburban Middleton – zero point zero. Unfortunately for the victim, testicular pugilism knows no skin color.

So anyone willing to chip in for a plane ticket for Meesouk, I’ll set up a collection. It’ll save you the cost of having to wear a protective cup while you’re sitting at home watching “According to Jim.” In fact, I might make the trip with Meesouk, if only to save myself from having to hear about the Rosie O’Donnell/Donald Trump feud anymore.

(Oh, and lest you think I’m bagging on The Isthmus, they are more than generous in linking to my posts via their internet site. And lest you think I’m afraid of using the word “lest,” I have now proven you wrong.)

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The Wit and Wisdom of Julius Hodge

January 12 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

Today, the Milwaukee Bucks traded Steve Blake to the Denver Nuggets for guards Earl Boykins and Julius Hodge. You may remember Hodge from his days at North Carolina State, where he was a standout player and apparently a fantastic quote. Here’s a website that has compiled some of his funnier theories. Among them:

Advice given to Cameron Bennerman, starting in place of the injured Scooter Sherrill, before a March 6, 2004 game at Wake Forest’s Lawrence Joel Coliseum:
“When you’re hungry, you eat; when you’re a frog, you leap; if you’re scared, get a dog.”

On the differences between Harlem, NY and Raleigh, NC, January 21, 2002
“New York is the place to be. I could wake up there at three in the morning and decide to go to the store for some chips and Snapple and there would be cars racing down the street and people walking around everywhere. If I do that here, I’d probably get attacked by a deer.”

As for the trade, I think it’s a steal for the Bucks. I dumped on Steve Blake a month ago, and I stand by it. The only possible explanation for his generous playing time was that he secretly only has a couple weeks to live and the Bucks were granting him his Make-A-Wish.

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Another Reason to Hate Smoking Bans

January 11 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

In his book “The Tipping Point,” Malcolm Gladwell cites a study from influential British psychologist Hans Eysenck when making a link between smoking and certain personality traits. He says:

In countless studies since Eysenck’s grounbreaking work, this picture of the smoking “type” has been filled out. Heavy smokers have been shown to have a much greater sex drive than nonsmokers. They are more sexually precocious; they have a greater “need” for sex, and greater attraction to the opposite sex. At age nineteen, for example, 15 percent of nonsmoking white women attending college have had sex. The same number for white female students who do smoke is 55 percent.

This is why cities who ban smoking in bars have it so wrong. Think about the desperate dorky guy who regularly hits the bars hoping to trick a random “precocious” young lady into some lovin’. The City of Madison has removed a valuable arrow from that young man’s quiver by not allowing him to see which girls at the bars smoke and which ones don’t. This changes your odds significantly – we’re talking about a 40 percent swing here.

Smoking issue aside, men have used nonverbal cues for centuries to pick out eligible mates. Tattoo? Check. Nose ring? Double check. Wearing a necklace with a marijuana leaf on it? Hit the family planning aisle ASAP. Wearing her UW Softball Team jersey? Run like the wind, my friend.

By removing these cues, men would waste infinite amounts of time talking to women with which they have no chance (for me, also known as “all women.”) They have it easy in the animal world – when male monkeys go to monkey bars, they just have to find a girl monkey with a swollen buttocks. Dogs just have to make sure they don’t have a stuffy nose, otherwise they’re guaranteed to go home empty-pawed (where they will pour themselves a drink, have their way with a sofa leg, and pass out.)

The only other option, of course, is a process known as “dating,” where apparently you are supposed to actually get to know a girl for a while. But this is a high risk proposition, as it can be expensive and cuts into your time normally spent attending license plate conventions.

I’m surprised that this ordinance wasn’t more ardently opposed by nerdy college guys and guys with bad breath. Of course, that would make for a pretty unpleasant public hearing for everyone involved.

The nonverbal clues women offer you to hint that they don’t want to go home with you are varied. They involve kicking you in the groin, pouring a drink on you, hiding under a table, and having their girlfriend beat you about the head, neck, and chest area.

And for the ladies that are looking for nonverbal clues as to whether a certain guy will go home with them, there is one telltale hint that says he will: He’s alive.

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The World Has Turned and Left Me Here

January 11 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

Yesterday, I had to take my car in for service and they gave me a loaner car to use while it was in the shop. As I drove away from the mechanic’s shop, I felt a disconcerting warm sensation under my rear. I thought maybe I had developed a urinary problem I didn’t know about, so I actually stopped the car and checked my pants, only to realize that the car had built-in electric seat warmers.

I guess I’ve never had a car fancy enough to have a seat warming device, so this took me by surprise. Kids these days and their fancy new technology. Next thing you know, they’ll let women vote.

In only marginally related news, a girl at work told me that she went on a date with a guy who attempted the “pretend to yawn and put your arm around her” maneuver at the movies. She asked me if this was actually still an acceptable way of trying to “get close” to your date.

I told her that I hadn’t been on a date since the invention of the internal combustion engine, and that I was surprised that this procedure was still utilized. I figured that since the time that I was single, someone would have invented some kind of new and exciting hug sneaking technology that the kids would now be using. In fact, I told her that I admired this guy for kicking it old school and using a maneuver that I had thought was retired to the Lame Date Moves Hall of Fame.

I now have to go soak my teeth.

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Saving Us From Herself

January 11 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

Yesterday, Democratic State Senate Majority Leader Judy Robson crowed about a vote the Senate took to eliminate the use of paper ballots for committee votes. Robson derided this process as “secret voting,” when in fact, the ballots and the results of the votes are all public record.

In fact, as was pointed out by Republican State Senators last year, Robson used this process of “secret voting” over two dozen times herself when she chaired a committee under former Majority Leader Chuck Chvala.

In the end, it’s not going to make a bit of difference, other than to make senators physically be in Madison to make their committee votes. However, if they decide that this is their big “ethics reform” for the session and call it a day, then free speech advocates should be dancing for joy.

As former senator Cathy Stepp said in her release, “Not one person has stopped me in the grocery store to say, ‘We desperately need paper ballot reform.’ My constituents tell me we need a real property tax freeze, more jobs and lower taxes.” Until the Legislature deals with those issues, they will continue to suffer their low approval ratings.

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Good News for Geeks

January 11 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

Anybody who watches television sports knows the wonder that is sideline reporter Erin Andrews. She was actually in Madison for the Badger/Buckeye game last night, and my on-site correspondents report that she is even more of a freak of nature in person. One said that it is likely that she was assembled in a “love factory.”

This Atlanta Journal-Constitution story gives us a glimpse into Andrews’ personal life, including this tidbit:

Andrews used to date an NHL player. One of her on-the-job peeves is married athletes who ask her out.

So for fat, unathletic, married anonymous bloggers… there’s still a chance!

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My Settlement Offer

January 11 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

A few posts back, a reader left a comment accusing me of libel and threatening a lawsuit against me, in which he would collect “a handsome five figure amount.” I was wondering exactly what a “handsome amount” would look like, so I figured I’d send him a bag of these in the mail:

Now that’s a handsome sum.

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Yeah, What He Said

January 9 2007 by Christian | Category: Uncategorized | 0 Comments »

It’s taken me about 20 clumsy posts to try to say what George Will sums up in this one 800 word column. In fact, it’s so good, I’ll post the whole thing – plus, there’s a local Wisconsin angle.

A Retreat on Rationing Free Speech?

By George F. Will
Sunday, December 31, 2006; B07

A three-judge federal court recently tugged a thread that may begin the unraveling of the fabric of murky laws and regulations that traduce the First Amendment by suppressing political speech. Divided 2 to 1, the court held — unremarkably, you might think — that issue advocacy ads can run during an election campaign, when they matter most. This decision will strike zealous (there is no other kind) advocates of ever-tighter regulation of political speech (campaign finance “reformers”) as ominous. Why? Because it partially emancipates millions of Americans who incorporate thousands of groups to advocate their causes, groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union and the National Rifle Association.

And Wisconsin Right to Life. It is another organization by which people assemble (see the First Amendment) to speak (see it again) in order to seek redress of grievances (the amendment, one more time). In 2004 Wisconsin Right to Life was distressed because Wisconsin’s senators, Russ Feingold and Herb Kohl, were helping to block confirmation votes on some of President Bush’s judicial nominees. It wanted to run ads urging people to “contact Senators Feingold and Kohl and tell them to oppose the filibuster.”

But Feingold was running for reelection, and the McCain-Feingold “reform” makes it a crime for entities such as Wisconsin Right to Life to use their corporate funds to broadcast an “electioneering communication” within 30 days of a primary or 60 days of a general election. An “electioneering communication” is one that “refers to” a candidate for federal office.

Although in 2003 the Supreme Court upheld McCain-Feingold, the court said later that it would consider appeals against the law “as applied.” The majority on the three-judge court, preserving the distinction between electioneering and grass-roots lobbying, held that Wisconsin Right to Life’s ads were exempt from the McCain-Feingold election-eve blackouts of speech because the ads were not “coordinated” with a candidate’s campaign and did not engage in “express advocacy” — did not use the words “vote for” or “vote against” a candidate.

The dissenting judge wanted to examine the “intent” of the ads by examining their “context,” looking for clues as to whether the group hoped to not only advocate an issue but influence an election. Imagine: Judges scouring the political landscape, searching for evidence (people’s past opinions or associations; e-mails and other communications) that would empower them to rule that grass-roots lobbying about an issue is “really” the functional equivalent of electioneering (express advocacy).

Such a process would necessarily be so protracted that no challenged ad could be authorized in time for an election. Besides, Bob Bauer, a Democratic campaign lawyer, rightly warns that the prospect of such inquiries should “make a sensible citizen’s blood run cold.” An uncircumscribed inquiry into “intent” would become “an intrusive process” in which an organization’s internal communications would be subpoenaed and political operatives and consultants would be “put under oath and questioned about what they meant and intended and thought.”

The Wisconsin Right to Life case is probably heading for the Supreme Court. There, Justice Samuel Alito occupies the chair that Sandra Day O’Connor occupied when she voted with the majority in the 5 to 4 ruling that upheld McCain-Feingold.

Still, the reformers’ zeal for regulating speech is undiminished. The Federal Election Commission recently fined some “527″ groups (named for the tax code provision under which they organize) $630,000. Their offense? Issue advocacy in 2004 that, “taken as a whole,” could “only be interpreted by a reasonable person as containing the advocacy of the election or defeat” of a federal candidate. Editorial writers at The Post and the New York Times, ever eager to regulate political advocacy not done by newspaper editorial writers, approved, although the Times thought the fines insufficient, and although The Post, calling the current law “murky,” thought the FEC should have enforced the murkiness quicker.

The Times no longer bothers to pretend that its rationale for speech regulation is fear of corruption or the appearance thereof. Rather, the Times justifies suppressing 527s on aesthetic grounds — they are run by “hard-edged activists” and their ads are too negative. Presumably, suppressing 527s will elevate political discourse — and, presumably, it is the government’s business to enforce the elevation. The Post also is tellingly silent about the reformers’ original corruption rationale for rationing political speech by restricting the political money that finances it. Instead, The Post says 527s wield “significant” — by implication, excessive (relative to The Post’s?) — influence.

Bauer wonders why, absent a compelling government interest in combating corruption, unregulated speech resulting in influence should be a federal offense. When, as surely it will, the Supreme Court considers that question, it can begin undoing the damage it did at the time it affirmed McCain-Feingold and licensed government to ration political speech.

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