U.S Capitol (AP) – In tonight\’s state of the union address, President George W. Bush unveiled a bold plan to regain public confidence in the Iraq War. \”Difficult times in Iraq call for drastic changes – and renaming the war after President Ronald Reagan is a serious step that needs to be taken,\” said Bush, referring to the former President who enjoyed historically high approval ratings following his death in 2004.
\”Renaming the war after our greatest president is a stroke of genius,\” said Grover Norquist, who founded the Ronald Reagan Legacy project, an organization whose sole goal is to get crap named after Reagan. \”It\’s not often you see a worldwide disaster of this magnitude – Reagan\’s name will be in the paper every day for the next decade,\” gushed Norquist.
Bush announced his plan immediately before he detailed his push for a troop surge in Iraq. \”The war has been going extremely well up to this point, so naturally we need to do the same thing, just more of it and all at once,\” explained the President, before he started laughing at how f\’ing stupid that sounded.
Sensing discontent with his speech, Bush stopped midway through and immediately made every member of Congress a delicious turkey sandwich. \”It was an uncoventional move, but his use of cranberry sauce as a topping was unparalleled,\” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.
\”The American soldiers who have died in Iraq are heroes,\” said Bush, adding that the war is creating more and more heroes on a daily basis. \”The second worst thing that can happen to a fallen soldier is to devalue their sacrifice by opposing the war,\” said Bush. Coincidentally, the worst thing that can happen to a soldier is to no longer be alive.
Bush also announced that Baghdad will now be known as \”Lance Armstrong,\” and that roadside bombs will be known as \”Barbaros.\” Furthermore, internment camps will be set up in America for anyone that appears to have a unibrow. The latter move was immediately denounced by TV President Wayne Palmer, who had one of his writers script a third-grade level explanation of what internment camps were for him, and why they were bad. Finally, Bush announced that all military decisions would be made by a popular vote of the public. The American public responded by saying they would get around to planning the next strategic attack after taking a nap, watching the Rachael Ray Show, and heading downtown to cash their child support check.
Another provision of Bush\’s bold new agenda will mandate that bad news in Iraq now delivered to American citizens by a sassy, ambiguously gay Brit. \”Americans love nothing better that having bad news being broken to them by tight t-shirt wearing British men,\” observed Bush. Following the Democratic response criticizing his speech, Bush pleaded with judges to give him a chance to just do one more speech, since his throat was a little dry the first time.
Detractors of the President\’s plan point out that he stole the idea from the best-selling Gerald Ford Feminine Napkins, unveiled late last year. Having failed to bring a Western-style democracy to Iraq, Bush lowered expectations and instead said that he would settle for installing a western-style Baskin Robbins restaurant in Baghdad.