Baghdad (AP) – A loophole in the new Iraqi Constitution has made the middle eastern country a popular vacation spot for gays and lesbians, according to U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad. \”Boy, we really screwed that one up,\” said Khalilzad. \”You would think that would be the first thing to write in our Constitution – making sure people of the same sex can\’t find any sort of level of happiness,\” he said.

Khalilzad was visiting a neighborhood in Baghdad the other day, when he saw two men that he assumed were taking part in the traditional Iraqi practice of mustache fighting. As he neared the men, he realized that they, in fact, just enjoyed a fancy meal and a showing of \”When Harry Met Sally.\” Khalilzad stated for the record that he thought Billy Crystal\’s performance was a little over the top, but enjoyed Meg Ryan\’s whimsical banter.

Before the new Constitution was adopted, homosexuality was a crime in Iraq, punishable either by death or being adopted by Madonna. In order to escape this choice, many gay Iraqis have been spotted jumping off the roof of the tallest building remaining in Iraq, the one story Qdoba down on the corner of Uday and Qusay boulevards.

Despite the anti-homosexual sentiment in Iraq, lesbian pornography has continued to run rampant, as hot burqa on burqa action is still encouraged. However, authorities still have the ability to ban truly obscene images, such as a picture of a woman voting.

In a speech to the United Nations, Khalilzad said that he was proud of the progress Iraq has made in becoming a more modern society. For instance, Iraqis are now able to use cutting edge conveniences like Rubik\’s Cubes and Huey Lewis and the News tapes. He vowed that America was going to stay the course for as long as it takes to free their nation, or until Republicans start to lose seats in Congress, whichever comes first.

\”America will not relent until Iraq\’s leg is humped by the Puppy of Freedom,\” said the erudite Khalilzad, before boarding a plane to get the hell out of there.

My wife and I have a Netflix subscription, and pretty much take turns picking movies out to watch. I remember looking at our preference list and seeing that my wife added \”Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man\’s Chest.\”

At work today, she sent me an e-mail asking me if I wanted to watch \”my girl Keira\” (Knightley) tonight. I replied and said fine, since I didn\’t think the first Pirates of the Caribbean was all that bad.

After she put my daughter to bed, I made some popcorn, grabbed a soda, and settled in for some Skeleton Pirate action. At the beginning of the movie, it was just Keira walking around in this house full of little girls that were giggling. I kept waiting for skeletons to jump out and grab her. After about 5 minutes, I kept waiting for things to pick up. I looked at my wife and asked her if \”her boy Orlando\” (Bloom) was in this. She looked puzzled and said no. After a few more minutes, I realized – she got Pride and Prejudice, not Pirates of the Caribbean. And I was locked in – no escape for two long hours of this nonsense.

I suppose it could have been worse, but I clearly was the victim of the old \”bait and switch\” technique. In the future, boys – ask for details. As revenge, I at least get to post a picture.

I completely missed this Sports Illustrated feature story in October about Green Bay\’s own Jay DeMerit. DeMerit has taken the English Premier Soccer League by storm in a time where – let\’s face it – Americans aren\’t exactly overly popular. Aside from that, he\’s a self made star and a was a longshot to make it big.

I\’m not a huge soccer fan, but I do know being a star in the English Premier league makes you one of the biggest sports icons in the world. Reading the story about how DeMerit worked his way up through the ranks to where he is now is inspirational – and Wisconsin is lucky enough to call him our own.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I recently purchased a 42-inch plasma HDTV. Upon bankrupting the future of my child, I instantly realized two things. First, there are a lot of things I didn’t anticipate when I bought the TV. Secondly, dog food doesn’t really taste that bad when combined with appropriate levels of cumin.

As a public service, I thought I’d give a few tips of what you can expect when you, too, decide your children shouldn’t go to college. I\’ll start with a warning – after you buy your new big screen HDTV, there is this annoyance known as \”your family\” that will sporadically try to divert your attention away from the vivid glory of your new TV. Occasionally, they will make demands like \”take us to the park\” or \”come to the table for dinner.\” Sometimes, you will be able to groan and wave to pacify them, but they will always be back for more. If you hold out long enough, your daughter will have gone on tour with a rock band and your wife will have formed a bond with the mailman, and your life will be much simpler.

Tips:

If you buy a plasma TV, make sure you have a big enough truck to get it home upright. For plasmas, you can’t lean them more than 15 degrees forward or backwards, or the mysterious crystals break or some crap like that. Or if you tilt your TV, you get testicular cancer. It was one of those two, I can\’t remember which. You can have your TV delivered, but it will take a week or two for them to bring it to your house – which totally kills the rush of spending all that money.

If you buy your TV at Best Buy, you can sign up for the Reward Zone card, which gives you back two bucks for every, like, thousand bucks you spend – but only after going through some ridiculously complicated online process of redeeming your cash. On the positive side, you don’t have to give out your phone number at the register anymore, since they already have it. Out of habit, I’ve actually been giving out my phone number to waitresses for years now, much to the chagrin of my wife.

If you have DirecTV, make sure you call and set up your HD hook-up appointment well before you actually get your TV. If you call after you get your TV, you can look forward to waiting for a month before you can get HD satellite service. Nobody likes a month of foreplay – it may get so bad, that you start eyeing up your best friend’s HDTV. However, you can still hook up an antenna to get local HD channels until your cable/satellite hookup comes.

If you do get an HD antenna (they’re pretty cheap – like $20), don’t waste your money on one that’s “enhanced” with electricity. Trust me, I\’ve wasted enough money on electric enhancing agents via Swedish mail-order. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but for some reason when you turn on the juice to strengthen the pickup, the picture actually gets worse. Instead, have your wife stand on your roof with the antenna over her head.

Even after your satellite service is hooked up, you may want to keep your antenna hooked up. For some reason, Channel 27 (ABC) and Channel 21 (PBS) in Madison don’t broadcast through DirecTV yet. So if you want to watch an ABC football game in HD or just can’t miss a guy playing the banjo with his feet on “Here and Now,” you need to use your antenna. When you do use your antenna, there are some stations that you will be able to get that you don’t get through your satellite or cable. NBC-15 has some weather station that they broadcast on 15-2. There are actually three HD PBS stations (your tax dollars at work). And there’s a sister music video channel connected to channel 47 that’s better than any video channel you’d pay for on cable.

When you sign up for DirecTV, you\’ll have to get a new receiver, which will run you an extra $100. TiVo-enabled receivers cost more, and there\’s apparently a shortage of them right now. You\’ll be able to move your old TiVo receiver to another TV and still use it for no extra charge. But if you watch so much TV that you need two TiVo receivers running at once, then you really need to put down the pipe, get off the couch, and start looking for a job.

The dudes at the electronics store are going to try to get you to buy some super-expensive cables to hook up all your components. Seriously, some of the cables alone run $100 per cable – enough to keep all the Best Buy employees stocked with plenty of hair gel. I tried out a few cables on my TV, and didn’t really notice any appreciable difference between the cheap and expensive cables. There are several different ways you\’ll be able to hook up your cable/satellite box, your DVD player, and your Playstation to your TV – RGB cables, HDMI, S-Video, etc. From what I hear, HDMI is the best, but I don\’t notice a lot of difference from when I had my satellite box connected with RGB cables. Whatever – just don\’t spend a lot on cables.

They are also going to try to get you to buy an “upconverting” DVD player, which is supposed to translate your current DVDs in to high-def. I have actually been perfectly happy with my regular DVD player, and Consumer Reports said it didn’t notice much difference, either.

Regardless of what kind of HDTV you get, you’d better get used to the idea of watching a lot of your TV shows stretched out horizontally to fit the wider screen. Shows broadcast in HD don’t have this problem, but regular analog shows will. You can fix your settings so you can watch in regular 4:3 ratio format, but then you have black bars on the sides of the screen, which are apparently bad for the TV. If you see black people on your TV, do not panic – it just means you have wandered off of your local Madison newscast. A healthy dose of Eric Franke should calm your nerves.

Also, be prepared to have about 11 remote controls available at all times. I know you can program some remotes to merge with other remotes, but there\’s no remote that can take on all the functions of all your components. As a result, you will need to schedule extra confession time to make up for the extra swearing you will do when your child decides to clean the toilet with the DVD remote.

If you\’re spending that much on an HDTV, it really is worth it to spend a couple hundred extra bucks on a surround sound system. Not only is the sound great, but you can turn it up louder when your wife is yelling at you for spending a couple of hundred extra bucks on a surround sound system.

So there it is – happy shopping. If for some reason you can\’t afford a big screen TV, a more economical option is to sit about a foot away from your existing crappy television.

Great, now the state has to pass another consitutional amendment.

From MSNBC:

From male killer whales that ride the dorsal fin of another male to female bonobos that rub their genitals together, the animal kingdom tolerates all kinds of lifestyles. A first-ever museum display, \”Against Nature?,\” which opened last month at the University of Oslo\’s Natural History Museum in Norway, presents 51 species of animals exhibiting homosexuality…

However, species continuation may not always be the ultimate goal, as many animals, including humans, engage in sexual activities more than is necessary for reproduction.

You mean you can have sex without making a baby? Really? That\’s the excuse women gave me for 20 years!

One question – if you eat a gay turkey, are you a party to a hate crime? I knew something was wrong when I got home from work and my goldfish had rearranged the furniture and bought new drapes.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. Try not to aggravate your relatives too much.

I was swapping stories with my buddy Johnny Roast Beef at the Badger game yesterday, and remembered one that I thought was worth passing along. It shows just how ruthless the Milwaukee police can be.

After my second year of college in the early ’90s, I was working a summer job in a factory in Milwaukee. I think it’s generous to say that in my first two years of college, I had a little trouble attracting the ladies. Actually, I could have been hiding the cure for childhood poverty in my pants, and I wouldn’t have been able to get a girl to investigate it.

Anyway, my friends and I used to go to a super skanky dance club downtown called Metropolis. This was the type of bar that should have given out a free chaser of penicillin with every shot of whiskey. Fishnet tank tops for men was actually part of the dress code. There were only two ways that you could leave this bar without a girl: 1) If you were dead; and 2) If you were me.

So one night, I actually meet a girl there and talked to her for a while. She had two eyes and a full set of teeth, so I was a happy guy. Everything checked out. We went on a couple dates and had a good time. Then, she indicated to me that it was “go time.” She wanted me to meet her at her parents’ house on the near south side on a weekday afternoon that I wasn’t working. Seemed reasonable to me – I probably would have moonwalked backwards to Arkansas for the chance.

So I show up at her house, and it’s just me and her there. Quickly, it becomes evident that the third base coach is waving me home. The captain had turned on the “fasten seatbelt/no smoking” sign, and the plane was ready to land. The camel had applied the sunscreen. (I just made that last one up – feel free to use it casually in conversation.)

Suddenly, there was a loud knocking on her front door. We didn’t know who it was, since her parents weren’t supposed to be home for at least another hour. I ducked into the closet, and she went to get the door. It was a couple of Milwaukee city cops.

Apparently, there was a crackdown on high school truancy going on at the time. For some reason, the cops had watched me pull up to her house and go inside. Thinking we were high school students skipping school, they decided to investigate. I was 20 years old at the time. They made me come outside and sit in the car while they ran my driver’s license for a background check. As I was sitting there, millions of innocent little Schneiders were crashing head first into a wall at full speed.

By the time the whole episode was over and they let me go, it was too late. Her parents were due back, so I had to jump in my car and high-tail it out of there. It was the end of the summer, so I soon left for school and never saw the girl again. On behalf of all the people who were likely being robbed, shot, or plagiarized in the City of Milwaukee at the time, I would like to thank the police for their attentiveness to the turmoil in my boxers.

Despite the statute of limitations having passed, I’m pretty sure I have a pretty good case against the Milwaukee police department. In court, I could just supply the jury a picture of what I looked like at the time, and they’d order me millions in punitive damages. At the very least, the Department should give me a “one free public urination” coupon.

Also, that little episode marked the first time I had to go buy… uhhhhhh…. “protection.” I worked in a drug store in high school, so I had seen this done and knew it was possible. There were two strategies employed in purchasing prophylactics: You had the guys who would bury them in a mountain of other various sundry items, to distract and confuse the other people in line. On the other hand, you had the guys that would walk up to the register, slam down their box of condoms, and announce to everyone in the store that this was the night they were going to set the world coital record.

I, on the other hand, was absolutely horrified. I figured I would try gas stations, since there were likely less people in there to see me. Problem was, every gas station I went to was either full of people or had a female working the counter. Most of them kept the goods behind the counter, so you would have to publicly announce your purchase to the gas station patrons. And forget about standing there in front of the counter and looking at what brand or style you wanted. Suddenly, saran wrap seemed like a viable option. (AKA, Doin’ it lunch style)

Just so I didn’t look like a criminal, I’d chicken out and buy a bottle of Mountain Dew and slink out of the store. At one point, I looked down at my passenger seat and counted nine bottles of Mountain Dew.

Finally, I sucked it up and bought a box from the PDQ out near the happy barn by Delafield. Keep in mind, I was living in Greenfield at the time – and that is where I ended up finally making the purchase. I think I hit every gas station inbetween. That reminds me, that box I bought is almost empty – I should probably go get another one.

Is there anything better than re-discovering a CD that you loved back in the day, but that you forgot that you even owned? It\’s like finding a $20 bill in an old leopard print g-string.

This video reminded me of the massive early \’90s Indie Guy crush I had on Kristin Hersh of Throwing Muses. I went to see them in concert in \’93 (I think), and I felt like a 12 year old girl at an N*SYNC show.

Anyway, I just thought I\’d share the love for those that may be late.

A lot of offensive things go on at the Capitol, but I think this one trumps them all.

Tonight, the Capitol building was lit up in pink and blue to \”promote prematurity awareness.\”

Okay, so some of us have a problem with prematurity. Do you really need to turn the Capitol purple to broadcast our most private, personal problems to the world?

Wait.. what?

York requested that I run our new business idea past his readership. He would do it himself but I think he\’s under a desk somewhere. (Take that whichever way you will. I can\’t stop you.)

Anyway, I\’m convinced that this idea is pure genius. Recent studies suggest that consumers are frustrated and confused by the widespread availability of outerwear vests. Further research reveals that the #1 complaint of young people ages 18-25 is that their limbs are too cold & their core too warm.

It took a pair of bloggers to figure out what was missing. The answer: Simply Arms. An entire store dedicated to selling nothing but sleeves.

Simply Arms will probably sell sandwiches and beverages as well. Simply Soup does it so its obviously cool with DATCP and the FTC. I\’m feeling pretty proud of this idea. I think I\’ll have a beer.

I\’m watching \”Plot to Kill: Ronald Reagan\” on the History channel. My info button says it is a documentary and \”dramatic reenactment\”.

How much would it suck to play the creepy guy in a dramatic reenactment? I\’m pretty sure it doesn\’t help you get the ladies. Plus it means that you have that certain deranged look about you.

I wish my remote control weren\’t lost in the couch cushions.

I\’m still working on that stoplight post York requested but there are just so many other things to talk about. So many things.

But what I really want is to give York\’s readers something to think about this weekend. You have to think on the weekends too. To keep your mind nimble and bendy.

So why not think about Professional Rock Paper Scissors:

Now…I\’m not one to criticize. I once purchased a textbook on arm wrestling. (It was worth it. I\’ve never lost to a girl). But lets move on. Stop looking at me.

There are apparently a variety of legitimate strategies involved in RPS if you know what you\’re doing. And it is clearly a very sexy sport (as evidenced by the partial boob in the above logo).

But seriously…should we really allow people to compete professionally at just anything? If we let the camel\’s nose under the tent on this one, pretty soon EVERYONE will be a professional of one sort or another. And then what will we call the people with actual talent? Anyway, think about it.

Hm. So I’m excited for this chance to stand in Dennis York’s shoes for a day or two. Incidentally, his shoes are damp. Very dubious indeed.

Before leaving on blog vacation, York left me with three simple instructions. In his own words:

1. “Just be yourself.”
2. “Don’t say anything about my enormous earlobes.”
3. “Your first post must be about stoplights. You have to bring it.”

I don’t want to let the man down so I have spent much of my evening collecting data on traffic signals and the susceptibility of ferrets to European bat rabies. Er…except not that last part.

Since I am recovering from both a literal and figurative election night hangover, I\’m taking some time off from the blog. In my place will be the fabulous Neville Barksdale, who will take the reins in my absence. Please welcome Neville with a big round of applause.

I imagine Neville looks something like this:

Assuming the remaining Assembly Republicans retain him as Speaker, Mike Huebsch now becomes the most important Republican in the state. I know everyone\’s psyched about J.B. Van Hollen\’s big win as Attorney General, but Huebsch and the Assembly Republicans now serve as a statewide goaltender, blocking all the bad ideas that will come from the Democratic Governor and Senate. Huebsch has to fill the same role that Chuck Chvala played for Democrats when Republicans held the Assembly and Governorship. Without Huebsch being an effective leader, we will see caps on school property taxes and the QEO lifted, more business regulation that drive jobs out of the state, and increased taxes and fees that force our residents to other states.

More later…

Everyone seems to be doing their pre-election posts with their endorsements, predictions, and observations. I will refrain from any of these, as I refuse to believe that anyone really cares what I, as a dopey blogger, think. Plus, if you read my blog, you pretty much know how I\’m voting. If you don\’t read my blog, congratulations on actually being a productive worker in your office.

The only thing I haven\’t figured out is how I\’m voting in the Baldwin/Magnum congressional race – how do you support either? After I vote, Count Chocula might be one vote closer to his dream of representing Dane County in Congress. His other dream, of course, is to turn my milk brown and delicious. Mission accomplished on that one.

At the end of a campaign, the idea is to make voters not be able to comprehend the world if the other guy is elected. The rhetoric gets so heated and outlandish, it\’s easy to think the apocalypse will descend upon us if our guy loses. Now, I have no idea what will happen on Tuesday, but in the event a worst-case development occurs, I want to provide some pre-emptive consolation to Republican voters.

Think about the 85% of Wisconsin citizens who can\’t name a single one of their elected representatives, and how happy they generally are. To these people, it makes absolutely no difference who inhabits state government – as long as their trailer is still there when they get back from the liquor store, they live content lives.

If Democrats end up winning a lot of offices on Tuesday, there are substantial portions of your life that will remain untouched. For instance:

-Democrats won\’t be able to stop you from enjoying playing with your kids.

-Democrats won\’t be able to stop you from enjoying delicious sausage deep dish pizzas from Lou Malnati\’s (although it will take you a year to get in to see a doctor when the inevitable cardiac arrest occurs).

-Democrats won\’t be able to keep you from laughing at people with outrageous mustaches.

-Democrats have no impending plans to change the periodic table of elements, so the symbol for Tungsten will remain \”W.\” Thus, you can continue to make entertain friends at dinner parties with this fact, before you get down to business and the wife swapping begins.

-Democrats won\’t be able to keep you from experiencing the pure joy you feel when you find a ten dollar bill in an old pair of jeans. Of course, they will snatch it up when they find out you have it, but at least you temporarily felt the thrill of discovery.

-Democrats won\’t enter your house and forcibly take the one shirt you have that doesn\’t make you look fat.

-Democrats won\’t eliminate your right to sob like a little girl when Red gets out of prison in Shawshank, when you watch it for the 35th time.

-Democrats will save America from the growing epidemic of gay Republican congressmen touching your children – since no Democrats are gay or have ever done anything unseemly.

-Democrats can\’t eliminate the feeling you get when you realize that all the drinks you bought her are working, and she can\’t tell what you look like anymore. Probably much like how Lance Armstrong felt after his fourth straight Tour de France victory.

-Democrats will show us how a bad war is supposed to be run (see LBJ).

-Democrats will not be able to prevent you from sticking your tongue in a bag full of popcorn when your arms are full of snacks at a movie. Of course, if you are a teenage Republican, that will likely be the only thing you are sticking your tongue in at the movies.

On the other hand, you will pay higher taxes and your house will probably be declared Ho-Chunk sacred gambling property and taken from you. Details, details.

After the nad-punching the Packers provided on Sunday, I don\’t know if I can take any more crushing disappointments this week. In fact, I may have to wear a protective cup to the polls. Regardless of who ends up winning on Tuesday, my night will probably end the same way it ends every night – with me crying myself to sleep, clutching a bottle of Wild Turkey.

That being said, if Democrats sweep all the major offices tomorrow, look for me on the news – I\’ll be the guy wearing an orange ten gallon hat and arm floaties that\’s running around naked on the beltline, waving a bottle of Jim Beam. That might be the only way I fulfill my dream of making it onto the news on election night.

Now let\’s get out there and make this the sexiest election day ever.