Assuming the remaining Assembly Republicans retain him as Speaker, Mike Huebsch now becomes the most important Republican in the state. I know everyone’s psyched about J.B. Van Hollen’s big win as Attorney General, but Huebsch and the Assembly Republicans now serve as a statewide goaltender, blocking all the bad ideas that will come from the Democratic Governor and Senate. Huebsch has to fill the same role that Chuck Chvala played for Democrats when Republicans held the Assembly and Governorship. Without Huebsch being an effective leader, we will see caps on school property taxes and the QEO lifted, more business regulation that drive jobs out of the state, and increased taxes and fees that force our residents to other states.

More later…

Everyone seems to be doing their pre-election posts with their endorsements, predictions, and observations. I will refrain from any of these, as I refuse to believe that anyone really cares what I, as a dopey blogger, think. Plus, if you read my blog, you pretty much know how I’m voting. If you don’t read my blog, congratulations on actually being a productive worker in your office.

The only thing I haven’t figured out is how I’m voting in the Baldwin/Magnum congressional race – how do you support either? After I vote, Count Chocula might be one vote closer to his dream of representing Dane County in Congress. His other dream, of course, is to turn my milk brown and delicious. Mission accomplished on that one.

At the end of a campaign, the idea is to make voters not be able to comprehend the world if the other guy is elected. The rhetoric gets so heated and outlandish, it’s easy to think the apocalypse will descend upon us if our guy loses. Now, I have no idea what will happen on Tuesday, but in the event a worst-case development occurs, I want to provide some pre-emptive consolation to Republican voters.

Think about the 85% of Wisconsin citizens who can’t name a single one of their elected representatives, and how happy they generally are. To these people, it makes absolutely no difference who inhabits state government – as long as their trailer is still there when they get back from the liquor store, they live content lives.

If Democrats end up winning a lot of offices on Tuesday, there are substantial portions of your life that will remain untouched. For instance:

-Democrats won’t be able to stop you from enjoying playing with your kids.

-Democrats won’t be able to stop you from enjoying delicious sausage deep dish pizzas from Lou Malnati’s (although it will take you a year to get in to see a doctor when the inevitable cardiac arrest occurs).

-Democrats won’t be able to keep you from laughing at people with outrageous mustaches.

-Democrats have no impending plans to change the periodic table of elements, so the symbol for Tungsten will remain “W.” Thus, you can continue to make entertain friends at dinner parties with this fact, before you get down to business and the wife swapping begins.

-Democrats won’t be able to keep you from experiencing the pure joy you feel when you find a ten dollar bill in an old pair of jeans. Of course, they will snatch it up when they find out you have it, but at least you temporarily felt the thrill of discovery.

-Democrats won’t enter your house and forcibly take the one shirt you have that doesn’t make you look fat.

-Democrats won’t eliminate your right to sob like a little girl when Red gets out of prison in Shawshank, when you watch it for the 35th time.

-Democrats will save America from the growing epidemic of gay Republican congressmen touching your children – since no Democrats are gay or have ever done anything unseemly.

-Democrats can’t eliminate the feeling you get when you realize that all the drinks you bought her are working, and she can’t tell what you look like anymore. Probably much like how Lance Armstrong felt after his fourth straight Tour de France victory.

-Democrats will show us how a bad war is supposed to be run (see LBJ).

-Democrats will not be able to prevent you from sticking your tongue in a bag full of popcorn when your arms are full of snacks at a movie. Of course, if you are a teenage Republican, that will likely be the only thing you are sticking your tongue in at the movies.

On the other hand, you will pay higher taxes and your house will probably be declared Ho-Chunk sacred gambling property and taken from you. Details, details.

After the nad-punching the Packers provided on Sunday, I don’t know if I can take any more crushing disappointments this week. In fact, I may have to wear a protective cup to the polls. Regardless of who ends up winning on Tuesday, my night will probably end the same way it ends every night – with me crying myself to sleep, clutching a bottle of Wild Turkey.

That being said, if Democrats sweep all the major offices tomorrow, look for me on the news – I’ll be the guy wearing an orange ten gallon hat and arm floaties that’s running around naked on the beltline, waving a bottle of Jim Beam. That might be the only way I fulfill my dream of making it onto the news on election night.

Now let’s get out there and make this the sexiest election day ever.

I didn’t want the election season to expire without mentioning the impressive campaign mounted by Mike Hanson, who’s running for Dane County Sheriff. As you probably already know, Sheriff is the one office where you can conceivably be elected countywide as a Republican in Dane County.

Actually, who am I kidding? – I just like his ads, which have become a popular catch phrase with me and my buddies. It contains a tough, memorable slogan that obviously relates to the recent spike in muggings in Madison:

Actually, I brought the heat a few years ago – but a little penicillin cleared it right up.

Wispolitics is reporting tonight that Bill Christofferson will be ending his popular lefty blog “The Xoff Files” tomorrow.

For a couple of years now, The Xoff Files has been the most reliable place to visit to hear what Democrats are saying and thinking. In fact, Christofferson was one of my biggest supporters from the beginning, even supporting me when media weasels were breathing down my neck. He also sent me this filthy picture, for which I can never thank him enough.

It will be interesting to see who steps up to fill the void – I’m casting my vote for Folkbum right now, for no other reason than we share the same undying love for Neko Case.

As for Christofferson, let’s hope the tribes reward him with an all expense paid vacation to Fiji for at least the next couple of election cycles. He was a never-ending source of irritation for me and the rest of the right wing blogging cabal, which means he did his job pretty well.

I think I remember buying this bear a drink sophomore year. She threw a trout at me, which was actually one of the better ways women reacted to my advances.

Next time I stumble in at 2 AM, I’ll just tell my wife I ran into a bad batch of fermented apples. In the strip club.

On Thursday, the race for Wisconsin’s 2nd Congressional District took on an almost Fellini-esque quality when challenger Dave Magnum crashed a joint press conference held by incumbent Tammy Baldwin and U.S. Senator Herb Kohl.

In one of his ads last month, Magnum used a quote from Kohl in one of his TV ads that apparently refers to people that talk a lot and do nothing as “jawjacking.” It appears as though this was an attempt by Magnum to connect himself with the popular Kohl, even though it was clear Kohl supported Baldwin. Which leads us to today.

Baldwin and Kohl held a press conference this morning to announce Kohl’s obvious support of Baldwin. Kohl looks completely perplexed at the idea of Magnum using his name in his ads. The only problem is, Magnum actually crashed the press conference and accosted Kohl afterwards. You can see the video of the whole thing here (click on the “video story” link next to the story).

Watch as Magnum grabs Kohl by the shoulder and won’t let him go until he talks to him. Check out the horrified look on Kohl’s face as he tries desperately to blow Magnum off – and witness the priceless brief glance Baldwin and her campaign manager share as this is all going on. Kohl looks like the nurse at the home just told him he won’t be getting his warm milk and cookies that night. When Kohl finally wrestles himself away from Magnum, he utters a patronizing “God bless you,” to Magnum, which somehow Magnum misinterprets as some kind of endorsement.

When asked why he went to the press conference, Magnum says he was invited by Channel 27 News, which they deny.

God bless Dave Magnum, indeed. You just can’t make this stuff up.

You know you’re wife is just going to nag you until you get one anyway, so why not just get off your ass and do it now?

Madison (AP) – In an explosive development that is likely to break the Wisconsin gubernatorial race wide open, investigators have begun looking into reports that Governor Jim Doyle actually purchased the new Justin Timberlake CD, “Future Sex/Love Sounds.” When confronted by reporters immediately following the incident, a visibly shaken Doyle said only, “Um…. stem cells? Anyone?”

Doyle spokesman Anson Kaye immediately dismissed the incident, saying “Governor Doyle has long been an admirer of Mr. Timberlake’s work, and he fully supports his initiative to bring sexy back.” Recent economic reports show that sexy has been on the decline in Wisconsin, roughly since the introduction of the McGriddle breakfast sandwich.

Timberlake’s work, popular among babysitters and imaginary unicorn riders, appears to have driven Doyle to some questionable behavior lately. “Yeah, he’s really been acting totally weird – wearing headphones to cabinet meetings and spending his whole day in his office on MySpace,” said campaign chair Marc Marotta. “Maybe he’s just getting used to his new training bra,” snickered Marotta, while covering his face and trying not to laugh. However, open records requests show that Marotta himself purchased the Timberlake CD a full month before Doyle.

In his campaign, Doyle has been making a conscious effort to reach out to young voters. In fact, he recently released a television ad in which he peforms the most awkward caucasian high-five in human recorded history, barely beating out the time blogger Dennis York found out sweater vests at Banana Republic were on sale.

Doyle’s youth outreach strategy has earned him a 100% approval rating among voters under 14 years of age. His popularity has plummeted among his fraternity brothers, who actually all own the CD themselves, but are too ashamed to admit that it’s actually pretty damn good. In an attempt to resurrect his indie cred, Doyle has been seen touting his prescription drug plan wearing a tattered Dead Milkmen t-shirt.

Bonus “Write your own caption” photo:

The world doesn’t need to hold its collective breath anymore waiting for Neil Heinen of Channel 3 in Madison to tell them how to vote on the gay marriage amendment. The Word of Heinen has been handed down on tablets, and reads (my bold):

Next Tuesday’s election here in Wisconsin will be watched around the country for a number of reasons and one of those is the potentially precedent-setting vote on the proposed amendment defining marriage. We very much hope this amendment is defeated, and Wisconsin is seen as a national leader in offering a tolerant environment to all.

Rarely is a word so accurately reflective of a ballot question as the word “fair” is to the marriage amendment. Opponents are urging a “no” vote for a fair Wisconsin. We agree. The proposal to define marriage, which is already adequately defined in our constitution, is nothing less than an attempt to codify unfairness, to make mean-spiritedness and bigotry the law of the state.

Of course, he meant to say “adequately defined in our statutes,” and not “constitution.” The constitution doesn’t say anything about marriage. But it just goes to show that the rhetoric on this proposed amendment is completely on auto-pilot. Instead of this sloppy missive, he could have just said:

“Ummm… vote “no” on the amendment because it’s unfair, and, ummm…. here’s a collection of some more words that kind of sound like what I’ve been hearing from my lefty pals.”

In the last week of a gubernatorial campaign, the claims and counterclaims between opponents fly so fast it’s hard to keep up. A casualty of the dizzying pace is the truth, as few media outlets are actually willing to do the work to research the flurry of accusations made against candidates.

This week, the Doyle for Governor campaign released a television ad featuring a rape survivor who claims that Congressman Mark Green would deny her the choice to have an abortion. Unless Green ascends to the post of Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court and takes Justice Anthony Kennedy with him, abortion on demand will remain the law of the land, regardless of who inhabits the East Wing of the Wisconsin State Capitol.

Nevertheless, Planned Parenthood today, on cue, followed up with a press release which essentially provides more information on Doyle’s TV ad. In the release, they cite several pieces of legislation which are supposed to prove that Mark Green wants to deny emergency contraception to rape survivors. Their first citation reads:

(Green) failed to support compassionate care for rape victims and access to emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy after an assault. (2005 HR 2928)

Note that there never was a vote of any kind on 2005 HR 2928 in the U.S. House, where Green served. Unable to cite a specific vote, Planned Parenthood criticizes Green for “failing to support” the bill, which means he didn’t sign on to the bill as a cosponsor. By this standard, Milwaukee Democrat Gwen Moore also “failed to support” the bill, as she isn’t on the bill either. Saying that someone “failed to support” a piece of legislation because they didn’t put their name on it is like saying you’re failing to support your neighbor if you don’t mow his lawn for him every weekend.

That’s not to say that Green theoretically didn’t oppose the bill, which does something very different than providing “compassionate care for rape victims.” The bill summary reads as follows:

Prohibits any federal funds from being provided to a hospital unless the hospital meets certain conditions related to a woman who is a victim of sexual assault, including that the hospital:

(1) provides the woman with accurate and unbiased information about emergency contraception;
(2) offers emergency contraception to the woman;
(3) provides the woman such contraception at the hospital on her request; and
(4) does not deny any such services because of the inability of the woman or her family to pay.

So the bill is really about federal funding, and the ability to withhold that funding unless hospitals and health care centers comply with this heavy-handed federal mandate.

Ironically, the bill attempts to impose the same invasive mandate that Planned Parenthood opposes when pro-life groups attempt to withhold federal funds for abortion-related activities. Doesn’t Planned Parenthood believe people should be allowed to make their own choices? Aren’t they opposed to government stepping in and hindering those choices? Silly questions, I know.

Let’s think about this bill in practice. You run a Catholic health facility that cares for seniors and the disabled, and you rely on hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars, to care for these fragile individuals. This bill would require your medical center to provide a certain type of procedure that goes against a fundamental teaching of your faith, or you’d lose all of your Medicaid and Medicare funding. Additionally, even if you provide the procedure, you must also provide materials that are deemed “accurate and unbiased” by a government bureaucrat, and you must provide it at no cost; otherwise, your doors get shut down and all of the people for whom you provide care will be left to fend for their own health care.

In essence, proponents of this bill are prioritizing chemical abortion over all other forms of health care. Pulling federal funding from medical centers who know best about what types of procedures they can offer patients is an unconscionable invasion by federal lawmakers. When those millions in federal dollars go away, I’m sure that will help address the rising costs of and availability of health insurance.

The next two bullet points in Planned Parenthood’s release aren’t any more accurate. They claim that Green:

• Co-authored legislation to allow health care providers to deny women access to birth control and health care. (1997 AB 953)
• Supports allowing pharmacists to refuse to fill prescriptions for birth control. (1997 AB 953)

As you can see from their citations, these two are the same bill – but it’s a nice effort to try to split the bill into two bullet points.

1997 Assembly Bill 953 was introduced at the time RU-486 was becoming a reality. The bill expanded an existing state law that allowed medical professionals to refuse to participate in medical procedures with which they disagreed on moral, ethical, or religious grounds (such as abortion). Essentially, the bill added dispensing RU-486 to the list of procedures that medical professionals could sit out because of their beliefs, since the pill prevented implantation of a fertilized egg in the uterine wall.

Planned Parenthood keeps hanging on to the falsehood that somehow these conscience clause bills have something to do with “birth control” as it is normally understood. None of the bills that have ever been considered deal with “the pill,” yet pro-abortion groups keep trying to make women think they do, to scare and confuse them.

In fact, the 2003 “conscience clause” bill specifically exempted “contraceptive articles,” defined in state law as “any drug, medicine, mixture, preparation, instrument, article or device of any nature used or intended or represented to be used to prevent a pregnancy” (Wis. Stat 450.155 (1)(a). When some legislators tried to remove this exemption (thereby allowing pharmacists to refuse to give out birth control pills), their amendment was voted down by a whopping 86-8 vote – a rebuke rarely seen among members of the majority party.

I actually disagree with Green’s stance on abortion – I believe some exceptions (rape, incest, life of the mother) are appropriate. This post isn’t meant to sugar coat Green’s stance on abortion, as if to say that he’s actually closer to Planned Parenthood than they think. He isn’t – and good for him. Any position he would take would be opposed by pro-abortion groups.

The purpose of this post is merely to illustrate that if you run as a pro-life candidate, you’re not necessarily running on your actual record. You’re running on whatever the pro-abortion groups say your record is, real or imagined, as the media never takes the time to research the veracity of claims in the last week of a busy campaign. But I guess we need campaign finance reform to reduce the amount of political speech during campaigns, rather than asking reporters to actually investigate and report on the accuracy of the speech that occurs. That might actually leave it in the hands of the people to decide who’s telling the truth, rather than the editorial boards.

11-year-old Pewaukee trick-or-treater robbed of candy

City of Pewaukee – Walking home after an afternoon of trick or treating and playing ghost in the graveyard with friends, an 11-year-old boy was robbed of his candy by a male wearing a ski mask, Chief Gary Bach said.

Corey Sweeney, who will be 12 on Thursday, said he went trick or treating with friends in their Springdale Estates neighborhood Sunday afternoon and then visited a friend. When trick or treating ended at 6 p.m., he decided to walk the short distance to his home.

“A car pulled up alongside me and I thought it was just stopping for the stop sign,” Corey said. But a male wearing a ski mask got out of the passenger side of the car, walked toward him and asked him if he had any candy.

Corey, wearing a Michael Vick football jersey for a costume, said he did, and the male grabbed a pillow case full of candy.

Is there any way we can send donations of cash or candy to Corey Sweeney in Pewaukee? I propose taking up a collection, to make sure he gets 10 times the candy that punk stole from him.

Oh, and by the way – another guy got shot in the head in Milwaukee today.