The beauty of Mark Green\’s new plan to require school districts to spend 70% of all their funds in the classroom is that it now forces the teachers\’ unions to argue why we need more administration. Take, for instance, this release from AFT-WI, which makes this amazing statement:

“…there is no significant positive correlation between the percentage of funds that districts spend on instruction and the percentage of students who score proficient or higher on state reading or math tests.”

WHAT? So what in the name of Lucifer\’s beard are we spending all that money on teachers for? If they truly believe that the amount of money we spend on instruction doesn\’t have anything to do with student proficiency, then I propose cutting the number of teachers in half. Think they\’d be making the same argument then? They honestly believe that a district that spends 70% of its funds on administration wouldn\’t affect student performance?

Of course, their rhetoric is all a sham – if Green\’s plan went into effect, it would actually force school districts to either hire more teachers or pay the ones that they have more. Both things would be good for their members. But they are so invested in the candidacy of Jim Doyle they have to twist themselves into pretzels to oppose this program which would be beneficial to their own dues-paying members.

I anxiously await them arguing that money for instruction doesn\’t make any difference to students when they have their hand out during the next budget. And I welcome the public debate on why we can\’t possibly spend less than 35% of school district budgets on things that have nothing to do with educating kids.

It took me about 60 seconds to destroy this plate. I think my daughter is going to have nightmares about witnessing that eating display. But hey, Chicken Wing Night is a sacred ritual in the York household.

While Rick was out taking in some socially responsible fare, I snuck out tonight to see \”Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.\”

For those of you who are childless, be warned that your \”movie nights\” come to a screeching halt upon the birth of your kid. So when there\’s a movie I really want to see, I generally have to go by myself. That\’s how pathetic my life is – I can\’t even get a date with my wife.

So I went alone and paid the eight bucks, and I treated myself to some soda and popcorn. I figured if I spent enough money, there\’d be chance I would be able to get some action with myself later that night. Then I realized that\’s what got Pee Wee Herman in trouble.

I love that they ask you whether you want butter flavoring on your popcorn. Well, duh. I usually challenge the manhood of the awkward teen behind the counter, saying something snide like \”If I walk out of that theater alive, there wasn\’t enough butter on the popcorn.\” They always appreciate that. One day, I actually bought a new shirt at Land\’s End, put it on, and went to a movie that night. When I got home, I realized the shirt had been soaked with butter from stray kernels, and was completely ruined. It remains unwearable to this day, although I\’m hanging on to it in case butter flavoring stains make a big comeback.

As for the movie? It was okay.

Next up: SNAKES ON A MOTHERF***\’IN PLANE!

I\’m not going to write a whole post about the first preseason game like I did last year, but I do have some thoughts about the Packer-Charger preseason game on Saturday night.

I tend to overreact to bad Packer performances, but I\’m not even remotely discouraged after that game. A lot of new faces have to work their way in, and I imagine that takes a while. If that game happens in week 8, you should check the Monday obituaries for a pig sock puppet cardiac arrest.

Remember when Al Harris was threatening to hold out for more money? Mike McCarthy might want to do just the opposite – ban him from the organization until he gives the Packers back 20% of his current salary.

Somehow, Derrick Turnbow managed to make it out to San Diego and sneak into the game at cornerback for the Packers, wearing number 28. I actually thought about adding a picture of Ahmad Carroll to my \”people who suck\” post, but I thought it was too parochial. Imagine how prescient that would have been – although predicting Ahmad Carroll will give up a touchdown catch is like predicting Katie Couric will bomb at CBS.

Even though Greg Jennings dropped a couple of balls, you can see why everyone\’s so excited about him. I would imagine getting yourself open and in the right spot is 90% of playing wide receiver in the NFL, and he showed he can do that. Now, he just needs to get over his nerves and catch the ball, which he\’ll do.

I like the Journal Sentinel\’s Packer writers, but I think the state Journal\’s Jason Wilde is far and away the best Packer reporter in the state. The game ended at midnight local time, and he gives us almost a full page of entertaining and insightful stories mere hours later.

In that vein, I thought Rich Gannon did an excellent job as the color guy for the Packer TV network. I don\’t know what network he\’ll be working for during the regular season, but they\’ll be getting a guy that knows his stuff and offers accurate, worthwhile observations.

I could live another 100 years and never figure out why teams use their punters as placeholders. It is a mortal lock that at some point there will be a muffed long snap and the punter will run around holding the ball over his head as confused as a beaver at a raffle (I don\’t even know what that means). Why not always have your backup QB do the holding? Hell, even have the third stringer do it. Then, if the long snap is fumbled, they actually have the ability to make something happen.

I guess I did end up writing a whole post. My bad.

There are pretty much three types of guys in the world:

There are skinny guys, who generally are either on heroin or still dating. There are fat guys, who really can\’t do anything about being fat. Like my buddy Roast Beef – he\’s a big guy, but I wouldn\’t ever want him to lose weight, because he is who he is.

Then there are the denialists. These are the guys who were probably athletic and skinny at one time, and can\’t believe what\’s been happening to their midsections. They may still think they\’re athletic, but the last grand slam they witnessed in person was at Denny\’s at 3 AM.

The denialists have a few choices when getting dressed for work in the morning. Obviously, their first option would be to wear a shirt that you don\’t have to tuck in. Unfortunately, those jobs are all taken by people who still eat at Denny\’s at 3 AM.

The second option is the defiant option: Tuck your shirt in as tightly as possible, and show off that belly. This option has some significant benefits – you can wear clothes that fit you correctly, and people can see that you\’re comfortable with yourself. The downside, however, is that you may attract crowds of children thinking you are Grimace.

The third option is where it gets tricky. This is for the guys that think they can fool people into thinking they\’re not gaining weight. This is the time-tested \”leave as much slack around the midsection of the shirt\” strategy to try to fool people into thinking that the extra bulge there is actually fabric and not chimichangas. This is for fat guys who are \”out of the closet,\” but don\’t realize it yet.

This is a high-risk strategy. While you may think you are fooling people, you also may look like you\’re wearing a circus tent. You have to buy shirts that are too big to even out the puffiness. You stand in front of the mirror emulating various poses that might arise during the day, and how your abdominal structure might hold up. \”Here\’s me lifting a cup of coffee. Here\’s me surfing the internet. Here\’s me trying to get my coworkers fired,\” etc. Getting just the right amount of bulge there may be accompanied by a finger poke to the belly button, just so you can secretly know how much of that protrusion is actually you.

Option four is for experienced dressers only. It\’s the \”I\’m going to hike my pants up to my nipples\” look favored at VFWs and municipal golf courses. This is not recommended for any of you at home. Or anywhere, for that matter. That means you, Dad.

As for me, I try to draw as much attention away from my gut as possible, which is why I refuse to wear pants in public. Nobody will notice you\’re putting on weight, but it gets kind of hard to find a seat at Applebee\’s.

Then again, there\’s always exercise. Yeah, right.

My daughter has a little stuffed bunny she calls \”Hop-Hop\” that she takes everywhere with her. A few weeks ago, she told me that Hop-Hop was a boy, which surprised me. Yesterday, she announced that she was changing her mind and that Hop-Hop was now a girl.

What are the rules on this? Should I allow just arbitrarily changing the sex of her toys? Do I have to pay for Hop-Hop\’s hormone therapy? Has my daughter become an advocate for the transgender community without even knowing it?

———————————————————————–

Last weekend, I decided to take her to the bank to show her how they run all the coins from our piggy bank through the machine. My wife and I always bet on how much is in the piggy bank – I bet $78, and my wife bet $73. My daughter said \”One-oh-two,\” which I didn\’t even understand, because she can just barely count to twenty.

So we got to the bank, and they ran the change through the machine. Total: $102.43.

True story – I have the receipt to show it.

————————————————————————

I made the decision a while ago that I would expose my daughter to the music I like, and if she likes it, all the better. For those of you that are not yet parents, this turned out to be a good idea. If you stick to children\’s music, you will spend your life suffering through things like this.

Now, my daughter actually knows and requests songs that are good songs. So for all of you looking to groove this summer, here are my daughter\’s top five requested songs, with links to the videos.

1. The Smiths – Sheila, Take a Bow
2. Beatles – I\’ve Just Seen a Face
3. Ramones – Sheena is a Punk Rocker
4. Postal Service – We Will Become Silhouettes
5. R.E.M. – All the Way to Reno

————————————————————————

I know everyone gets tired of my bragging about my kid – so for those that are, here\’s your money back:

Verona – Pimpled area teen Josh Miller today expressed his support for the federal Family Planning Waiver program, which provides free birth control to all girls over the age of 15. \”My parents won\’t even let me watch Cinemax, so I\’ll be damned if I\’m going to blow it when a girl wants to come to my \’pants party,\’\” said Miller.

Miller has joined with other homely virgins in advocating for increased government-sponsored birth control. A group of horny teenage boys showed up at the Capitol this week to testify against a bill that would raise the minimum age for free taxpayer birth control for girls from 15 to 18. \”The State Legislature can\’t possibly understand the turmoil in my pants,\” said Alejandro Rivera, 15, of Mt. Horeb. \”It\’s hard enough to get a girl to charm my trouser snake as it is, without Glenn Grothman screwing things up,\” he said. Rivera said he hasn\’t been this disappointed since he witnessed the appalling lack of nudity in \”National Lampoon\’s Dorm Daze,\” appearing on Showtime this month.

Miller conceded that he thought he had a sexual experience when playing \”Tomb Raider\” on his XBox, but he wasn\’t sure. In his spare time, he enjoys thinking about sex, talking about sex, and coming up with new phrases to describe sex that he hopes will catch on in his high school. \”It\’s just a matter of time before \’pound the pootie\’ catches fire,\” said Miller.

Miller said his ultimate goal is to one day become an anonymous part time political blogger. \”Those guys get loads of tail,\” he said. Miller believes that one day he will be able to score a supermodel or a movie star, or if he\’s really lucky, a local TV anchor. As for now, he noted, he can\’t even score a tomboy who is secretly in love with him but who helps him try to get a date with a popular girl, only to have him eventually realize that he should have been with his tomboy friend all along. \”I think that was in a movie my parents liked,\” he said.

Miller said he believes he is close to finally losing his virginity, and the absence of burth control makes that nearly impossible. \”Tom McDuffie said I could borrow his van, and I\’ve got my \’Smooth Booty Jamz\’ mix CD all ready to go,\” said Miller. \”Now all I need is a fine lady with low self-esteem,\” he added.

Last week, I bemoaned the fact that a bunny rabbit had dug a giant hole and set up shop in my front yard. Well, as I was mowing the lawn yesterday, I was surprised by a couple new residents in my front yard (see photo). I figured there were baby bunnies in the hole, but didn\’t realize they\’d come so soon.

During dinner on Saturday night, we were treated to a full-on National Geographic special when some big black birds caught wind of the new baby bunnies and tried to carry them away. One bird picked a bunny up by the back of its neck and carried it for a few feet before it wriggled away. Immediately, the mother bunny launched herself at the birds, scaring them all off. Then, she rustled up the other kids and sat on them, guarding them from the evil winged intruders.

During the whole episide, my daughter sat by the window yelling \”go away mean birds!\” I realize it\’s nature and all, but I\’m not sure I want to see the theory of evolution played out when I\’m trying to eat my chicken stir-fry. I fully expect to wake up tomorrow morning to see some cheetahs tearing apart a gazelle on my front lawn.

And I stand firmly with the bunnies in defending themselves. In fact, I threw them some bread crumbs to show a little solidarity – I might have to supply them with some poison birdseed or something. There will be no peace deal brokered here.

Later, the mother breast fed all the kids out on the lawn, which I think violated about 13 city codes.

UPDATE: Even more drama ensued on Sunday night, when I went into the basement and realized one of the bunnies had fallen into a window well and couldn\’t get out. So my wife and I constructed a ramp to help him climb back up onto the lawn. The Worldwide Bunny Association should build a statue of me at their headquarters.

Madison – In his boldest pander yet, Governor Jim Doyle today announced that he prefers women with \”a little meat on their bones.\” \”For too long we have ignored the needs of the Big \’n Sexy Women in our society,\” said Doyle, adding \”if we can just get the women of Wisconsin to put down their crullers long enough to go vote, we can make real progress in the struggle for equal rights for the full-bootied.\”

Doyle\’s announcement sent shock waves through the political world, as Doyle\’s wife Jessica is known for her diminuitive figure. \”We\’ve been dealing with her bad habit of eating a sensible, balanced diet for a while now,\” said Doyle. The Governor mentioned his new proposal to change the name of his wife\’s program from \”Where in Wisconsin is Jessica Doyle?\” to \”Where in Wisconsin is Jessica Doyle Inhaling a Plate of Fried Cheese Curds?\”

Doyle\’s olive branch to the Chunky Vixen community has drawn nationwide rave reviews. Jerome Henton of the More to Love Institute in Independence, Kansas believes Doyle\’s pander is groundbreaking. \”I\’ve never seen a candidate reach out and touch chubby women in this way before, but it\’s usually because they\’re covered in ranch dressing,\” said Henton.

Doyle has recently become known for his over the top pandering. He has told voters that he can help bring down gas prices, when in fact there is nothing he can do to affect the market. He has also promised cures for sick people that are at least a decade away, and proposed a committee to look at ways to keep down health care costs. The committee\’s report, of course, is due on December 1st – right after the November gubernatorial election.

Doyle\’s gubernatorial opponent, Congressman Mark Green, immediately jumped on Doyle\’s blatant pandering. \”Sure, we all occasionally enjoy a full figured woman,\” said Green. \”But even women that are skinny like men who don\’t like skinny women, because no woman actually thinks they\’re skinny,\” he said, adding \”Liking fatties shows sensitivity.\”

Following his announcement, a poll was taken that showed Doyle\’s positives had jumped to 45% among Wisconsin women. The same poll showed that 35% of Wisconsin women disapprove of the job Doyle is doing, while 20% were too lazy to get off their fat asses and answer the phone.

i like it when the brewers swing fast and i like it when they run around the bases and make lots of points. run brewers run! they should do the trades that make them be able to throw the balls really fast and catch the balls with their nonthrowing hands. ned yost should make them hit the balls really far and he should tell them to make the plays that make them win.

it makes me sad when turnbow throws the ball outside of the zone. i think jenkins should swing with his eyes open so he can hit the ball fast. i frown when my sausage doesnt win. go brewers.

Someone please tell me what the Holy Father has to do with this golf ball being auctioned off on eBay. I\’m not exactly sure what Pope Benedict has to do with this guy\’s golf ball, but I give the guy credit – it\’s one hell of a sell job.

The summary isn\’t exactly clear on how the Pope works his way into this guy\’s pitch. Did his holiness actually get a hole in one? From what I can tell, this guy happened to get a hole in one on the day that Bishop Ratzinger was picked to be Pope, and he shares a birthday with Ratzinger. It makes perfect sense! In fact, I keep some Holy nose hair clippings from April 19th of 2005 in a glass case above my velvet Christ paintings.

I also enjoy his pitch that he\’s going to \”donate\” the proceeds of his sale. To what? His holy crack habit?

Finally, the picture of the golf ball on the red velvet placemat is a fantastic touch. Makes it look very papal. And the pictures of Ratzinger, the golf course, and the ball together are priceless… as if we needed a visual to buy his story. OH! I SEE IT NOW! Honey, where\’s my checkbook?

Given that he is infallible, I would expect at least one U.S. Open Championship from the Holy Father. Incidentally, when I play golf, it really is a spiritual experience – I say the Lord\’s name pretty much nonstop for four hours.

Madison – In a stunning announcement, local homosexual Pat Cleveland today announced that he would be remaining in the closet. Cleveland has been urged by his friends and family to \”come out\” since last week, when former *N\’SYNC member Lance Bass rocked the world with the unexpected announcement that he was, in fact, gay.

\”I have a job that I have to keep,\” said Cleveland at a press conference. \”I\’m not a millionaire singer who never has to work again,\” he said. Cleveland announced that the sexuality of his partner, Lance Fontana, would also remain a secret. \”Lance would kill me if the guys down at the wastewater treatment plant knew he was gay,\” said Cleveland. Fontana was unavailable for comment, as he was at ACE Hardware purchasing rat poison.

A local gay and lesbian group, Gays Touching Wisconsin, criticized Cleveland\’s decision, saying that he shouldn\’t be ashamed of keeping his sexual preference a secret. The group has been trying to institute a statewide social policy known as \”gay until further notice,\” in which everyone in Wisconsin is presumed gay until they come out and declare their heterosexuality. \”We\’re really hoping Kathleen Falk forgets to file the paperwork, because that is one good looking man,\” said GTW spokesman Corky Rockwell.

Cleveland said he will be relieved to go back to work with his personal secret intact. He said he and Fontana will be happy to return to the normal world, where their relationship poses a fatal threat to otherwise healthy heterosexual marriages.

For some reason, a bunny rabbit has taken up residence full time in my front yard. He decided to dig a giant hole right in the middle of the yard and just sits there all day guarding it. He has refused my repeated requests to pay rent.

I realize that he\’s just a bunny, but it\’s a little strange having him always there. I think he might just be sizing me up for the attack, Holy Grail-style. I see him watching me, judging me. I think he\’s ready to pounce when he gets the chance. He could just be a lookout for another gang of malcontent bunnies that will all jump me when I\’m carrying a lot of cash.

In an interview in last week\’s Onion A.V. Club, comedian Rob Corddry mentioned a little known \”song\” called \”Nancy Grows Up\” by \’50s performance artist Tony Schwartz. Schwartz recorded his daughter from birth to her teenage years and spliced it all into a two minute file that is really moving. You can hear the file here, or click here for a more web-friendly version.

And thanks to Recidivism for posting the file.