(Shullsburg) – Local serial lawbreakers Bo and Luke Duke remain free tonight, after evading Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager for the 132nd straight week. According to published reports, the Duke Boys are free to roam, as their DNA has been tied up in the state crime lab, which has a significant backlog under the Attorney General.

In this week’s episode, the Duke Boys tore through the rural countryside in the General Lee with Lautenschlager’s car in hot pursuit. The Boys finally crossed into Illinois, while Lautenschlager shook her fist at them as her car squealed to a halt at the border. In week 67, Lautenschlager was unable to personally pursue the Duke Boys, as Cooter had secretly removed the starter wire while fixing the AG’s state car. Cletus received the state contract after donating $5,000 (confederate) to Jim Doyle’s campaign.

It is widely believed that the Duke Boys were getting close to exposing Lautenschlager’s bootleg moonshine operation when the most recent pursuit commenced. The Attorney General has often been seen sampling some of her own product while careening around Hazzard County roads. In the last episode, Lautenschlager’s car jumped a bridge that was out, plummeted off a 50 foot cliff, and drove through a wall of fire, while her car sustained no damage.

Lautenschlager’s democratic primary opponent, Dane County Executive Kathleen Falk, today announced her own plan to tackle the moonshine problem. Falk believes that we should first let everyone in the state get hooked on moonshine, then create a massive new government program to treat everyone for thir addiction. “In order for treatment to be effective for the most number of people, we must first make sure there are enough criminals selling moonshine,” said Falk, while cuddling a baby squirrel. Falk also cited a need to catch the Duke Boys because of the hazardous emissions being produced by the General Lee.

The Duke Boys have been cooperative, vowing to provide DNA samples to every sexy lady that they can find.

This post was narrated by Waylon Jennings.

As I was having a couple beers with one of my buddies the other night, a particularly pretty girl walked by our table. As she got closer, I noticed that she had a grisly scar on her arm, which prompted me to say, “I’d bet that’s the kind of girlfriend you can get at the outlet mall, marked with an ‘irregular’ sticker.”

He laughed and said that she may likely have suffered some hail or flood damage, which prompted me to come up with a revolutionary idea:

What men need is a Carfax for Girlfriends (Girlfax). It’s easy – for $19.95 you type in her GIN (girlfriend identification number), and receive a full history – guys she’s dated, length of her relationships, previous photos, etc. That way, you can have an accurate picture of the time and financial investment that you, as a prospective customer, are about to make in this girl.

It makes perfect sense – before you drop a couple thousand bones on a car, you want to know whether it was salvaged from Hurricane Katrina, right? Well, before you spend that kind of money on a girl, you want to see whether her tattooed ex-con boyfriend is going to give you a lead salad. It’s crucial to know whether she’s going to hit the three month expiration date and go completely crazy on you.

Trust me – getting a full picture of her history is more important than just tapping her bumper a few times.

Lest you deem this post unnecessarily crass, a friend pointed out that women thought of this first.

New York – Stinging from criticism that it doesn’t employ enough Eskimo football coaches, the NFL today instituted a policy that requires each team to give an Eskimo a token, insulting job interview each time a position opens up. “The new NFL is all about diversity,” said new commissioner Roger Goodell

The hapless Kansas City Chiefs, who haven’t been to the Super Bowl since 1970, took the first step towards diversity in firing new head coach Herm Edwards and replacing him with Keelut Tekkeitsertok from Ninilchik, Alaska. Edwards had routinely taken the New York Jets to the playoffs during his tenure as head coach, while Tekkeitsertok is known as a decent ice fisherman.

In the Chiefs’ first practice, Tekkeitsertok demonstrated a new move seldom seen in the modern NFL, which involved taking a harpoon and driving it through the heart of a defensive lineman. “Revolutionary,” said Pro Bowl tight end Tony Gonzalez, who has himself been killing fantasy teams for nearly a decade.

Despite the Chiefs’ new commitment to diversity, not everyone is satisfied with the hiring. “It’s a complete smokescreen to judge how we are doing as a nation by how many minorities get head football coaching jobs,” said outspoken conservative The A&W Root Beer Bear. “We don’t need more Eskimo NFL head coaches – we need more Eskimo doctors, lawyers, computer programmers, and CEOs,” said the Bear.

During the Chiefs’ first game of the week, Tekkeitsertok not only coached, but provided the halftime entertainment by clubbing a baby seal to death at midfield while the crowd cheered wildly. He reportedly will be paid four pelts per year for the next three years.

UPDATE: Right on cue, the NFL gets its diversity report card.

Readers of this blog are well aware of my tireless advocacy for women’s rights. Well, I have finally found a cause that I can get behind. From today’s news:

JERUSALEM (Reuters) – An Israeli woman’s breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hizbollah rocket attack during Israel’s war with the Lebanese group, a hospital spokesman said Tuesday.

Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old’s heart. “She was saved from death,” said a spokesman for Nahariya Hospital in northern Israel. The woman has been released from hospital.

Seeing as how I am all about safety, I am now lobbying the State Legislature to make these mandatory. It’s a dangerous world out there – I want to make sure Wisconsin’s women are “equipped” to deal with imminent danger. I’ll set up my own nonprofit organization (The Institute for Thorax Safety), raise money, and come up with some sham medical evidence to “support” my claims.

The next headline you’ll see:

Breast Implant Mandate Goes Into Effect: Worker Productivity Down 70%

Wait…what was I talking about again?

In what may be the greatest movie marketing ploy of all time, the promoters of “Snakes on a Motherf***ing Plane” have set up a website where you can send a friend a personal message from Samuel L. Jackson. Imagine my surprise when I clicked on this link imploring me to take “My Homeboy Neil” to the “best movie of all time.” I have been informed that the “Neil” reference is supposed to be “Neil Heinen,” who is, by the way, the first person I would choose to see the movie with.

So send your loved ones a Snake-gram today. They will probably never speak to you again, but that might actually be a good thing.

I had a couple beers with a friend of mine tonight, and he told me this story of a guy he used to work with:

The guy was an alcoholic, and would usually stay up all night drinking. When he got to work, he would shut his office door and sprinkle some change on the floor near the door. He’d then lay on the floor and pass out on top of the change with his head up against the door. Then, if someone came into his office, the door would knock him in the head and wake him up, and he’d pretend that he was on the floor picking the change up. And he’d have an excuse for being somewhat disoriented, from being bumped in the head by the door.

I am walking down to the patent office tomorrow to trademark that maneuver. That is, if I’m awake.

The beauty of Mark Green’s new plan to require school districts to spend 70% of all their funds in the classroom is that it now forces the teachers’ unions to argue why we need more administration. Take, for instance, this release from AFT-WI, which makes this amazing statement:

“…there is no significant positive correlation between the percentage of funds that districts spend on instruction and the percentage of students who score proficient or higher on state reading or math tests.”

WHAT? So what in the name of Lucifer’s beard are we spending all that money on teachers for? If they truly believe that the amount of money we spend on instruction doesn’t have anything to do with student proficiency, then I propose cutting the number of teachers in half. Think they’d be making the same argument then? They honestly believe that a district that spends 70% of its funds on administration wouldn’t affect student performance?

Of course, their rhetoric is all a sham – if Green’s plan went into effect, it would actually force school districts to either hire more teachers or pay the ones that they have more. Both things would be good for their members. But they are so invested in the candidacy of Jim Doyle they have to twist themselves into pretzels to oppose this program which would be beneficial to their own dues-paying members.

I anxiously await them arguing that money for instruction doesn’t make any difference to students when they have their hand out during the next budget. And I welcome the public debate on why we can’t possibly spend less than 35% of school district budgets on things that have nothing to do with educating kids.

It took me about 60 seconds to destroy this plate. I think my daughter is going to have nightmares about witnessing that eating display. But hey, Chicken Wing Night is a sacred ritual in the York household.

I just thought it was important to announce that I won’t be guest hosting or otherwise appearing on anyone’s radio or TV show, ever.

So be sure to tune in.

While Rick was out taking in some socially responsible fare, I snuck out tonight to see “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.”

For those of you who are childless, be warned that your “movie nights” come to a screeching halt upon the birth of your kid. So when there’s a movie I really want to see, I generally have to go by myself. That’s how pathetic my life is – I can’t even get a date with my wife.

So I went alone and paid the eight bucks, and I treated myself to some soda and popcorn. I figured if I spent enough money, there’d be chance I would be able to get some action with myself later that night. Then I realized that’s what got Pee Wee Herman in trouble.

I love that they ask you whether you want butter flavoring on your popcorn. Well, duh. I usually challenge the manhood of the awkward teen behind the counter, saying something snide like “If I walk out of that theater alive, there wasn’t enough butter on the popcorn.” They always appreciate that. One day, I actually bought a new shirt at Land’s End, put it on, and went to a movie that night. When I got home, I realized the shirt had been soaked with butter from stray kernels, and was completely ruined. It remains unwearable to this day, although I’m hanging on to it in case butter flavoring stains make a big comeback.

As for the movie? It was okay.

Next up: SNAKES ON A MOTHERF***’IN PLANE!

I’m not going to write a whole post about the first preseason game like I did last year, but I do have some thoughts about the Packer-Charger preseason game on Saturday night.

I tend to overreact to bad Packer performances, but I’m not even remotely discouraged after that game. A lot of new faces have to work their way in, and I imagine that takes a while. If that game happens in week 8, you should check the Monday obituaries for a pig sock puppet cardiac arrest.

Remember when Al Harris was threatening to hold out for more money? Mike McCarthy might want to do just the opposite – ban him from the organization until he gives the Packers back 20% of his current salary.

Somehow, Derrick Turnbow managed to make it out to San Diego and sneak into the game at cornerback for the Packers, wearing number 28. I actually thought about adding a picture of Ahmad Carroll to my “people who suck” post, but I thought it was too parochial. Imagine how prescient that would have been – although predicting Ahmad Carroll will give up a touchdown catch is like predicting Katie Couric will bomb at CBS.

Even though Greg Jennings dropped a couple of balls, you can see why everyone’s so excited about him. I would imagine getting yourself open and in the right spot is 90% of playing wide receiver in the NFL, and he showed he can do that. Now, he just needs to get over his nerves and catch the ball, which he’ll do.

I like the Journal Sentinel’s Packer writers, but I think the state Journal’s Jason Wilde is far and away the best Packer reporter in the state. The game ended at midnight local time, and he gives us almost a full page of entertaining and insightful stories mere hours later.

In that vein, I thought Rich Gannon did an excellent job as the color guy for the Packer TV network. I don’t know what network he’ll be working for during the regular season, but they’ll be getting a guy that knows his stuff and offers accurate, worthwhile observations.

I could live another 100 years and never figure out why teams use their punters as placeholders. It is a mortal lock that at some point there will be a muffed long snap and the punter will run around holding the ball over his head as confused as a beaver at a raffle (I don’t even know what that means). Why not always have your backup QB do the holding? Hell, even have the third stringer do it. Then, if the long snap is fumbled, they actually have the ability to make something happen.

I guess I did end up writing a whole post. My bad.

This editorial today from the Journal Sentinel is the typical, tired old stuff you generally see from editorial boards. Campaigns are too negative, “moderate” people who don’t really stand for anything are somehow smarter than everyone else, and if you discuss something in a coffee house, it is likely four times more insightful than if you said it anywhere else.

The editorial bemoans “negative” campaigning (how dare Republicans point out that Jim Doyle is critical of Wal-Mart at the same time he accepts a $1,000 contribution from their political action committee!), and says that people are “fed up” with all the partisan bickering. So fed up, in fact, that more and more people vote in each successive election. In fact, much of the “negative” points the campaigns make are points originally reported by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel themselves. Certainly nobody has their finger on the pulse of regular Milwaukeeans like the Journal Sentinel editorial board.

Incidentally, while the Journal Sentinel wrings its hands about negative campaigning, “the public” is out fathering illegitimate children and shooting each other – things that actually contribute to the degradation of our culture. I’m still waiting for a murder case where the gunman admits he was driven to violence by a Jim Doyle press release on stem cell research.

They also suggest a “middle ground” on abortion, but concede that they don’t know what it is. How I feel for all those poor people who have to be subjected to an actual debate on a controversial issue. Here’s my suggestion for a middle ground – pro-lifers will stop pointing out that abortion kills a living being when abortionists stop performing them. There – truce!

Their evidence that campaigning has gotten too negative? An off-color comment made off the air during an Attorney General’s debate. If Paul Bucher hadn”t mentioned it, nobody would ever have known it happened, since it occurred during a commercial break. Do they really think there were ever “good old days” when candidates always liked each other? Oh, and they haven’t been shy about reporting on that exchange, which runs counter to their assertion that the public’s fragile psyche must be shielded from such untoward behavior.

So after I read their little high-minded pitch on how political debate “coarsens” society, I read down to the advertising directly below the editorial. The ads read, in this order:

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Now the Journal Sentinel knows what they are talking about in coffee shops – your grumpy wiener. My special thanks to the Journal Sentinel for contributing advertising for sham diet pills to the public debate in the name of some quick cash.

So, obviously, when political candidates try to make their case to voters to earn their vote, it “coarsens” society. But when some disreputable hair plug company or “lazyforcash.com” wants to make their pitch and pay the Journal Sentinel to do it, suddenly it becomes a vital display of speech.

Oh, and here’s my super secret free tip that absolutely drives the women wild. Get a JOB.

UPDATE: It looks like Xoff and I came to much the same conclusion. He says:

The news media has given up its responsibility to dig into issues and present the facts. Their main function these days seems to be “He said, he said” reporting, where the back-and-forth is dutifully reported, but no effort is made to find out who’s right. That kind of coverage, of course, encourages the inflammatory statements and news releases.

That, in turn, gives the editorial writers something to complain about.

Well said. Isn’t it ironic that the one thing that can bring the left and the right together is ridiculing an editorial that says the left and the right can come together?

Milwaukee – Following a lively debate between Republican Attorney General candidates in which it was revealed that Paul Bucher sucks, a nationwide organization of sucky people has enthusiastically endorsed his candidacy.

For months it was believed by insiders that Bucher sucked, but opponent J.B. Van Hollen made the charge during today’s debate. While Bucher steadfastly denied the accusation, he did it in a way that really sucked.

“We are proud to have Paul Bucher as a member of our group,” said official sucky spokesman Terrell Owens. “We always knew Bucher had suck-ulent tendencies, but it’s great of him to come out of the closet and embrace his true self,” said Owens.

A review of Bucher’s finance reports shows that three months ago, he received a $1,000 contribution from SuckPac, the league’s donor arm. The contribution, however, was sent to Bucher in jars of pennies. “We suck – what else would you expect?” said Madison Channel 3 News Director Neil Heinen, before going on an incomprehensible and uninformed half hour rant.

Conversely, the National Organization of People Who Don’t Suck withheld its endorsement for Van Hollen. “While we’re leaning Van Hollen right now, he has shown the ability to suck on occasion,” said Organization President Dwyane Wade. “We reserve endorsements for people who show excellence in not sucking,” said Wade.

Following the heated debate, both candidates shook hands and agreed that Lindsay Lohan was hotter when she was fat.

There are pretty much three types of guys in the world:

There are skinny guys, who generally are either on heroin or still dating. There are fat guys, who really can’t do anything about being fat. Like my buddy Roast Beef – he’s a big guy, but I wouldn’t ever want him to lose weight, because he is who he is.

Then there are the denialists. These are the guys who were probably athletic and skinny at one time, and can’t believe what’s been happening to their midsections. They may still think they’re athletic, but the last grand slam they witnessed in person was at Denny’s at 3 AM.

The denialists have a few choices when getting dressed for work in the morning. Obviously, their first option would be to wear a shirt that you don’t have to tuck in. Unfortunately, those jobs are all taken by people who still eat at Denny’s at 3 AM.

The second option is the defiant option: Tuck your shirt in as tightly as possible, and show off that belly. This option has some significant benefits – you can wear clothes that fit you correctly, and people can see that you’re comfortable with yourself. The downside, however, is that you may attract crowds of children thinking you are Grimace.

The third option is where it gets tricky. This is for the guys that think they can fool people into thinking they’re not gaining weight. This is the time-tested “leave as much slack around the midsection of the shirt” strategy to try to fool people into thinking that the extra bulge there is actually fabric and not chimichangas. This is for fat guys who are “out of the closet,” but don’t realize it yet.

This is a high-risk strategy. While you may think you are fooling people, you also may look like you’re wearing a circus tent. You have to buy shirts that are too big to even out the puffiness. You stand in front of the mirror emulating various poses that might arise during the day, and how your abdominal structure might hold up. “Here’s me lifting a cup of coffee. Here’s me surfing the internet. Here’s me trying to get my coworkers fired,” etc. Getting just the right amount of bulge there may be accompanied by a finger poke to the belly button, just so you can secretly know how much of that protrusion is actually you.

Option four is for experienced dressers only. It’s the “I’m going to hike my pants up to my nipples” look favored at VFWs and municipal golf courses. This is not recommended for any of you at home. Or anywhere, for that matter. That means you, Dad.

As for me, I try to draw as much attention away from my gut as possible, which is why I refuse to wear pants in public. Nobody will notice you’re putting on weight, but it gets kind of hard to find a seat at Applebee’s.

Then again, there’s always exercise. Yeah, right.

My daughter has a little stuffed bunny she calls “Hop-Hop” that she takes everywhere with her. A few weeks ago, she told me that Hop-Hop was a boy, which surprised me. Yesterday, she announced that she was changing her mind and that Hop-Hop was now a girl.

What are the rules on this? Should I allow just arbitrarily changing the sex of her toys? Do I have to pay for Hop-Hop’s hormone therapy? Has my daughter become an advocate for the transgender community without even knowing it?

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Last weekend, I decided to take her to the bank to show her how they run all the coins from our piggy bank through the machine. My wife and I always bet on how much is in the piggy bank – I bet $78, and my wife bet $73. My daughter said “One-oh-two,” which I didn’t even understand, because she can just barely count to twenty.

So we got to the bank, and they ran the change through the machine. Total: $102.43.

True story – I have the receipt to show it.

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I made the decision a while ago that I would expose my daughter to the music I like, and if she likes it, all the better. For those of you that are not yet parents, this turned out to be a good idea. If you stick to children’s music, you will spend your life suffering through things like this.

Now, my daughter actually knows and requests songs that are good songs. So for all of you looking to groove this summer, here are my daughter’s top five requested songs, with links to the videos.

1. The Smiths – Sheila, Take a Bow
2. Beatles – I’ve Just Seen a Face
3. Ramones – Sheena is a Punk Rocker
4. Postal Service – We Will Become Silhouettes
5. R.E.M. – All the Way to Reno

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I know everyone gets tired of my bragging about my kid – so for those that are, here’s your money back: