A friend of mine told me his wife was playing in a \”moms\” soccer league, meaning you had to be a mother to play. She is proposing that each participant be forced to submit to a uterus screening, because she thinks some teams are sneaking in childless ringers.

The funny thing is, for the purposes of the league, you are considered a \”mother\” if you are currently pregnant. Isn\’t that just waiting for a court challenge? Shouldn\’t the league rule be that you only become a \”mother\” at the time of viability? If you\’re considered a mother while you\’re pregnant, doesn\’t that imply that you have a child? If you have a freezer full of frozen embryos in your basement, does that count? And where is NARAL to ruin these women\’s fun?

Women\’s rec league soccer – ground zero for the abortion battle in the new milennium. Who knew?

I know what you\’re thinking – \”It\’s been a while since I\’ve been camping, so I haven\’t been able to eat any s\’mores lately.\” Well, my friend, problem solved – just have a little cookout at home, as I did tonight. Check it out:

Oh, yeah. And check out the Better Homes and Gardens quality photography. I\’ll probably find raccoons in my kitchen tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, I\’m trying to work on a pretty involved post, but right now it really sucks. It\’ll just have to wait until tomorrow.

I\’m tired and beleagured, so rather than do a full post about the Packer game tonight, I\’ll post a partial transcript of a chat I had during the game with a friend of mine, Lorenzo Lamas.

York: Good God
Lamas: The only thing that could be worse is if Favre\’s DNA matches Jon Benet Ramsey…

York: Ahmad Carroll defending…
York: Palmer could be playing in a wheelchair, as long as he keeps throwing to Carroll\’s guy.
Lamas: At least Carroll didn\’t kick him in the groin.
York: Carroll is never close enough to anyone to kick them in the groin. He\’d need 20 foot legs.

York: If they wouldn\’t have beaten the Seahawks 2nd team in the last game of the year, they\’d have Reggie Bush right now.
York: Suzy Kolber makes me want to stab my eyes.

York: Enough love for Carson Palmer. He\’s not playing Hezbollah, for God\’s sake.

York: Is there a video of a human birth or something on that I would be more comfortable watching?

Lamas: Favre\’s looking for a loophole in his \”I\’m coming back\” statement.
Lamas: \”Uh… I meant coming back to pick up my stuff.\”

York: Theismann: Mike McCarthy has to be \”concerned a little bit.\”
York: Much like David Koresh might be a little concerned about what that burning smell might be.

York: Samkon with the catch!
Lamas: Gado has worse hands than a high school sophomore at his first prom.
York: Where he’s from, the only thing you can catch is malaria.
Lamas: chuckle

York: I see the season starts on the 5th anniversary of 9/11. I\’m sure that will be done tastefully.
Lamas: \”It\’ll bring the house down\”
York: “ARE YOU READY FOR AL-QAEDA!”

York: Theismann: “Favre and Rodgers are totally different quarterbacks.” As in: Favre is the only three time MVP in league history, and Rodgers has a mustache.

Lamas: Rodgers had to be the only QB who has ever been cut from Packer fantasy camp.

York: Tirico just pointed out that Cory (who is black) and Aaron Rodgers (who is white) are unrelated. Actually, I think that’s wrong – I think they’re married.
York: They saw the constitutional amendment coming and eloped.
Lamas: Aaron Rodgers left the Packers today, citing the team\’s lack of domestic partner benefits. Esera Tuaolo was unavailable for comment.

Washington, D.C. – The FBI announced today that through its warrantless wiretapping program, it has uncovered an explosive peach cobbler recipe. \”It\’s the most delicious thing I\’ve ever tasted,\” said Special Agent Demond McDuffie, his mouth stuffed full of cobbler. \”And to think, if we had to get a warrant, this vital piece of information would have remained an underground terrorist secret,\” said McDuffie.

The secret cobbler recipe was said to have come from a phone call originating from terrorist Mahmoud Al-Alim of Conway, South Carolina to his mother in Afghanistan. \”The first part of the call, he was kind of mumbling something unintelligible about poisoning the water supply of Atlanta, or some crazy nonsense,\” said Agent McDuffie. \”But his use of ginger in his cobbler recipe is the work of a madman – a mad genius,\” said McDuffie.

Upon learning of the recipe theft, Al-Alim immediately contacted the ACLU, who filed a lawsuit on his behalf. \”This delicious recipe has been passed through centuries of Al-Alims, and the federal government has no business stealing it,\” said ACLU spokesman Jarvis VanLandingham. In response to the lawsuit, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a warrant must be granted before the government can listen in on any conversations regarding fruit-filled pastries. If a court is not available, the government must get permission from the \’80s band Warrant.

The FBI released some of the transcripts of Al-Alim\’s overseas conversations, including this one to his superiors from last month:

Al-Alim: \”Hey, is Abdul Qadeer there?\”

Qadeer: \”That\’s me.\”

Al-Alim: \”Sorry, you sounded like someone else.\”

Qadeer: \”I\’ve actually had a little cold lately, can\’t shake it. Little phlegmy.\”

Al-Alim: \”Anyway, I\’ve been meaning to talk to you about my job title.\”

Qadeer: \”Tell me, brother, what\’s the problem?\”

Al-Alim: \”I was thinking we could spice my official job title up a little. I think \”suicide bomber\” is a little passe\’.\”

Qadeer: \”You are doing the work of Allah, my friend – I think the job title fits.\”

Al-Alim: \”I think it could be jazzed up a little. You could call me the \’crafty bomber\’ or the \’shifty bomber.\’ I think that adds a little pizzazz. \”

Qadeer: \”Call yourself whatever you want, as long as you\’re willing to strap a bomb to your chest and walk into a bus station.\”

Al-Alim: \”Yeah, that\’s kind of the thing – I\’m not real big on the whole \’suicide\’ thing. I mean, everyone is doing the whole lame \’blow myself up\’ routine – I think it\’s kind of played out. I mean, the feds are totally looking for suicide bombers. They aren\’t looking for bombers not willing to give their life to their cause. It will completely throw them off the scent.\”

Qadeer: \”You\’re not going back on your pledge to give your life for the cause, are you?\”

Al-Alim: \”Of course not – It\’s just that I won tickets to see Celine Dion in Vegas next month through a radio contest.\”

Qadeer: \”Here\’s what I\’ll do – you stay a suicide bomber, but I\’ll up your dental insurance benefit.\”

Al-Alim: \”Okay, sounds good.\”

Qadeer: \”I have to go – I have a coupon for Qdoba that runs out today. Although I never know whether to go to Qdoba or Chipotle – they\’re kind of the same thing. Praise be Allah.\”

Al-Alim: \”Praise be Allah…(click)\”

Al-Alim: ….hey, wait a minute!

Everyone knows that women\’s magazines market themselves to a certain woman who doesn\’t exist – a woman who lives in the big city, wears a new designer outfit every day, and drinks martinis for lunch. However, this article in Jane Magazine shows how out of touch they really are.

Let me set the scene for you:

A 29 year-old not-horrible looking \”virgin\” wants to have sex before her 30th birthday. So she starts a blog and gets a magazine to run stories about it. Riiiiight.

So this alleged virgin apparently needs \”help\” from a national magazine to reach her goal of having sex before she turns 30. Is there anyone alive that believes this? The reality is, if she really wanted to, this chick could walk into the Argus Bar at 5:00 PM and join the Non-Virgin Club before the ice melted in her drink. If it got to be 11:59 on the night before her 30th birthday and she was still a virgin, the crowd of hairy-palmed men outside her apartment would look like Woodstock.

But apparently, she is living in some fabricated world where every woman writes a relationship column about finding men. When basically, all you really need to find a man is a pulse, two eyes, a full set of teeth, and about 4 minutes. I mean, who does this woman think she is, me? If given the choice of having sex with me or being thrown off the top of the Sears Tower, most women would go buy a helmet and a life insurance policy.

Fortunately, I found the only woman on Earth that can tolerate me and married her. In all honesty, though, I had a national magazine help me find her, too. I got her out of a mail order ad in the back of Soldier of Fortune.

(I just earned myself a couple nights\’ worth of sleeping on the couch with that joke – hope you enjoyed it)

The topic du jour for all the good government groups these days is the famed Candidate Survey from the \”nonpartisan\” League of Women Voters, Wisconsin Democracy Campaign, and Common Cause.

Keep in mind, that none of these groups are actually \”nonpartisan.\” Two of them have actually lobbied against the gay marriage constitutional amendment. Just check out the League of Women Voters\’ website, which includes \”nonpartisan\” positions supporting universal health care, supporting gun control, opposing drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife refuge, and on and on. It\’s essentially just the Moveon.org talking points charading as nonpartisanship. By the way, how often do you see the print media refer to Wisconsin Right to Life as \”nonpartisan?\” (technically, they are).

The League of Women Voters actually includes their support for abortion in the \”Representative Democracy\” portion of their website. This shows they have a sense of humor, since the unlimited right to abortion was mandated by the Supreme Court, the least representative branch of government conceivable.

Apparently willing to support anything with the words \”reform\” on it, the League has waded into the complicated area of campaign finance reform. This is the focus of the biased Wisconsin candidate survey they distributed, which more than half of state candidates rightfully ignored. The survey is full of ridiculously slanted questions such as: \”Do you support and would you vote for bipartisan, comprehensive campaign finance reform that would reduce special interest influence…\”

What\’s a candidate supposed to say? \”No, I want to increase special interest influence?\” Actually the question relates to voluntary spending limits, which would actually increase special interest influence by pushing campaign spending out into the shady independent groups like the one Xoff runs. How\’s McCain-Feingold working out? Good thing there\’s no special interest influence in Washington anymore. No candidate in their right mind would actually turn this garbage in.

Despite the obvious flaws in the survey and the cheerleading done for it by the statewide media, there was one question in particular that piqued my interest. Question #4 on the survey reads:

4. YES OR NO: Do you support and would you vote for legislative measures making electoral competitiveness a legal or constitutional standard that must be applied by the Legislature and the courts in establishing state legislative and congressional district boundaries?

Clearly, they are dissatisfied with the current makeup of the State Legislature and think there\’s a better way to draw legislative districts. They think that the districts are rigged by the incumbent lawmakers that redraw them every decade. They think that somehow, the state Constitution should be rewritten to make \”electoral competitiveness\” the standard when drawing new districts.

So making all the districts in the state competitive sounds like a good idea, right? Then, more races will be contested, and democracy will flourish, correct? There\’s only one problem with this theory: The Voting Rights Act.

In 1965, Congress passed the Voting Rights Act, which guaranteed the right to vote for all citizens. The Act was a response to Southern separatists, who responded to the Civil Rights Act of 1964 by making it more difficult for blacks to vote.

For the past 40 years, the U.S. Supreme Court has continued to mold the meaning of the Civil Rights Act. One of the problems encountered by the courts has been that of \”vote dilution,\” used by segregationists to lessen the influence of black voters. These segregationist lawmakers would gerrymander districts to make sure only a sliver of black voters were present in each district, which guaranteed no minorities could be elected to office, and would \”dilute\” the efficacy of minority votes.

To address this nefarious tactic, the courts have ruled that wherever possible, minority representation must be present. The goal in redistricting has to be keeping minority voters together as a community. To that end, where there are majority-minority populations, there must be an opportunity to elect a minority to office. Of course, minorities, especially African-Americans, disproportionately vote for Democrats. Thus, in heavily black areas of Milwaukee, you find a lot of black Democrats that hold office. Here\’s a map of downtown Milwaukee Assembly districts:

Of the inner city Milwaukee districts, look at the solid block that are represented by African Americans or other minorities: the 16th (Leon Young), 18th (Tamara Grigsby), 10th (Polly Williams), 17th (Barbara Toles), 8th (Pedro Colon), and 11th (Jason Fields). Additionally, these districts are represented by African-Americans Spencer Coggs and Lena Taylor in the State Senate. Of course, all of these minority representatives are Democrats, and represent heavily Democratic districts.

Now try to imagine drawing a map where each of these districts are \”electorally competitive.\” Think of how you could take these 90% Democratic districts and gerrymander them so they are each 50% Republican. You would essentially have about ten to fifteen districts made up primarily of the suburbs that pick off just a little sliver of inner city Milwaukee. The effect of this type of gerrymandering? Vote dilution.

Trying to make these districs \”electorally competitive\” would fracture the African-American community into little sections, where it would be increasingly more difficult to elect black representatives. I\’m not willing to say that any of the current African-American representatives couldn\’t be elected in majority white districts, but Wisconsin has yet to elect a minority in any district without a strong minority presence (Bob Turner from Racine, for instance). So the end result of the League of Women Voters\’ plan to equalize districts would actually be to end minority representation in the state.

Not only would this be unlawful (as determined by the courts) it wouldn\’t pass the test of public decency. Of course, what the League really wants to do is make heavily Republican districts more competitive. But in order to do that, you have to move the Republicans somewhere, and they would have to go into districts that cause problems with equal rights case law. Since Republicans continue to pick up seats in both state houses, they figure something must be wrong with the process of drawing districts – it\’s obviously rigged.

This is just another example of interest groups not thinking through the implications of their policy positions. Who ever thought the League of Women Voters would advocate undermining the Voting Rights Act?

Side note: Boo, York! Write the funny stuff!

——————————————————————————-

Supplemental Info:

Here\’s a good article by Jason Stein of the Wisconsin State Journal discussing the dwindling relevance of the League of Women Voters and their newfound political advocacy.

Watch Neil Heinen\’s head explode when he finds out how few candidates actually fill out the survey. Calm down, Neil – more people will read this post than will read the LWV survey results.

Phil Brinkman of the Wisconsin State Journal can\’t believe that Mark Green didn\’t fill out his survey. I can\’t believe this article wasn\’t on the editorial page, where it belonged.

(Green Bay) – In a stunning development, gubernatorial candidate Mark Green today vowed to take care of voters in a way that is impossible by their current man. \”I know you\’ve had your heart broken, baby,\” whispered Green. \”I don\’t want you to sit alone on election day, thinking you could have had it better all along,\” added Green.

Green\’s promise to please voters \”one by one\” is an unusual tactic for a gubernatorial campaign. It is believed that the last time this strategy was used was in 1902, where Iowa\’s future Governor Farley McBain vowed to \”rattle the wooden teeth\” out of rural voters.

Green\’s campaign, however, said this strategy had been thoroughly poll tested before they rolled it out today. \”Our polling says that 54% of Wisconsin voters are sobbing to themselves quietly by the phone, petting their cats, waiting for the right man to come by,\” said Campaign Manager Mark Graul.

\”I can give you what you need better than your current man,\” Green growled at his press conference before ripping off his shirt. \”You and me have a lot in common. Maybe you should just sit down while I give you a back rub and a Courvoisier and ginger ale. See, there you go. What\’s that? You want a footrub, too? I can do that – because your man can\’t please you like this. He just doesn\’t understand you like I do. Come here and sit on my lap and tell me all about it while I wipe your tears away. That\’s it. Nice and slow. How about you and me head off to the voting booth together. It\’ll be nice and quiet there.\”

\”I went to his campaign headquarters for a conference he was holding on the Alternative Minimum Tax,\” said Susan Doucette, 29, of Allouez. \”Before I know it, he\’s pulling out his love oils and putting \’Slow Jams of 1989\’ on,\” she said. \”I mean, I love \’Every Rose Has Its Thorn\’ as much as anyone, but I think it was a bit much,\” said Doucette.

Governor Jim Doyle, clearly feeling the heat, responded by buying everyone in the state flowers and promised to do the dishes more often.

Here\’s a secret from the \”Too Much Information\” file: I think about a lot of my blog topics in the shower. But yesterday, I actually thought about showering while in the shower. And these are some questions I have:

1. Do you actually wash your feet while you\’re in the shower, or do you just figure that the soap will make its way down there eventually?

2. Have you ever been in the shower for so long that you actually forget whether you shampooed or not?

3. If I just bought a huge 50 gallon water heater, why can\’t it hold enough hot water for two hot showers in the morning?

4. Question for wives/girlfriends: How long does your husband have to be in the shower before you suspect that something nefarious is going on in there?

5. If we pooled together all the money women waste on conditioner, we could eradicate hunger in Africa. Or buy every man in Wisconsin a plasma TV, which I think is really what the children of Africa would prefer deep down in their hearts.

I had seen Federico Fellini’s “8 ½” a couple of times before I watched it this weekend, but my appreciation for its brilliance only grows with each viewing. There’s so much going on in the movie, yet it all seems to make sense. Somehow, a surreal movie ends up being starkly realistic.

Movie critics accentuate the theme of the movie that deals with moviemaking. In fact, a large part of the movie serves as a poison pen to the early ‘60s Italian press, who had begun to skewer Fellini’s work. Yet it’s bursting with ideas and statements about things like Catholicism, fear of aging, relations with women, and the pressure of expectations. Amid all of these themes, Fellini manages to weave in strands of absurdity to lampoon contemporary Italian cinema.

The movie follows filmmaker Guido Anselmi through the process of trying to somehow make an autobiographical film, which inexplicably takes place on a spaceship. Guido is burdened by the expectations brought on by making the movie, and his incompetence in dealing with the women in his life paralyzes him throughout the process.

There are many movies that make you feel good about being one of the guys, but I don’t know if there is a better movie about being a man than 8 ½. There’s a brilliant scene where all the women in Guido’s life come back to haunt him and he struggles to deal with them all at once. Fellini meant the film to be autobiographical, which exposes a lot of the serious issues he had going on at the time. But many of them are problems that are still alive and relevant today.

There’s a good chance most viewers would watch the movie and not know what in the hell they just saw. But for me, it has both the style and substance to be one of my favorites. If you can find a copy for cheap or at the library, be sure to give it a chance.

(Shullsburg) – Local serial lawbreakers Bo and Luke Duke remain free tonight, after evading Attorney General Peg Lautenschlager for the 132nd straight week. According to published reports, the Duke Boys are free to roam, as their DNA has been tied up in the state crime lab, which has a significant backlog under the Attorney General.

In this week\’s episode, the Duke Boys tore through the rural countryside in the General Lee with Lautenschlager\’s car in hot pursuit. The Boys finally crossed into Illinois, while Lautenschlager shook her fist at them as her car squealed to a halt at the border. In week 67, Lautenschlager was unable to personally pursue the Duke Boys, as Cooter had secretly removed the starter wire while fixing the AG\’s state car. Cletus received the state contract after donating $5,000 (confederate) to Jim Doyle\’s campaign.

It is widely believed that the Duke Boys were getting close to exposing Lautenschlager\’s bootleg moonshine operation when the most recent pursuit commenced. The Attorney General has often been seen sampling some of her own product while careening around Hazzard County roads. In the last episode, Lautenschlager\’s car jumped a bridge that was out, plummeted off a 50 foot cliff, and drove through a wall of fire, while her car sustained no damage.

Lautenschlager\’s democratic primary opponent, Dane County Executive Kathleen Falk, today announced her own plan to tackle the moonshine problem. Falk believes that we should first let everyone in the state get hooked on moonshine, then create a massive new government program to treat everyone for thir addiction. \”In order for treatment to be effective for the most number of people, we must first make sure there are enough criminals selling moonshine,\” said Falk, while cuddling a baby squirrel. Falk also cited a need to catch the Duke Boys because of the hazardous emissions being produced by the General Lee.

The Duke Boys have been cooperative, vowing to provide DNA samples to every sexy lady that they can find.

This post was narrated by Waylon Jennings.

As I was having a couple beers with one of my buddies the other night, a particularly pretty girl walked by our table. As she got closer, I noticed that she had a grisly scar on her arm, which prompted me to say, \”I\’d bet that\’s the kind of girlfriend you can get at the outlet mall, marked with an \’irregular\’ sticker.\”

He laughed and said that she may likely have suffered some hail or flood damage, which prompted me to come up with a revolutionary idea:

What men need is a Carfax for Girlfriends (Girlfax). It\’s easy – for $19.95 you type in her GIN (girlfriend identification number), and receive a full history – guys she\’s dated, length of her relationships, previous photos, etc. That way, you can have an accurate picture of the time and financial investment that you, as a prospective customer, are about to make in this girl.

It makes perfect sense – before you drop a couple thousand bones on a car, you want to know whether it was salvaged from Hurricane Katrina, right? Well, before you spend that kind of money on a girl, you want to see whether her tattooed ex-con boyfriend is going to give you a lead salad. It\’s crucial to know whether she\’s going to hit the three month expiration date and go completely crazy on you.

Trust me – getting a full picture of her history is more important than just tapping her bumper a few times.

Lest you deem this post unnecessarily crass, a friend pointed out that women thought of this first.

New York – Stinging from criticism that it doesn\’t employ enough Eskimo football coaches, the NFL today instituted a policy that requires each team to give an Eskimo a token, insulting job interview each time a position opens up. \”The new NFL is all about diversity,\” said new commissioner Roger Goodell

The hapless Kansas City Chiefs, who haven\’t been to the Super Bowl since 1970, took the first step towards diversity in firing new head coach Herm Edwards and replacing him with Keelut Tekkeitsertok from Ninilchik, Alaska. Edwards had routinely taken the New York Jets to the playoffs during his tenure as head coach, while Tekkeitsertok is known as a decent ice fisherman.

In the Chiefs\’ first practice, Tekkeitsertok demonstrated a new move seldom seen in the modern NFL, which involved taking a harpoon and driving it through the heart of a defensive lineman. \”Revolutionary,\” said Pro Bowl tight end Tony Gonzalez, who has himself been killing fantasy teams for nearly a decade.

Despite the Chiefs\’ new commitment to diversity, not everyone is satisfied with the hiring. \”It\’s a complete smokescreen to judge how we are doing as a nation by how many minorities get head football coaching jobs,\” said outspoken conservative The A&W Root Beer Bear. \”We don\’t need more Eskimo NFL head coaches – we need more Eskimo doctors, lawyers, computer programmers, and CEOs,\” said the Bear.

During the Chiefs\’ first game of the week, Tekkeitsertok not only coached, but provided the halftime entertainment by clubbing a baby seal to death at midfield while the crowd cheered wildly. He reportedly will be paid four pelts per year for the next three years.

UPDATE: Right on cue, the NFL gets its diversity report card.

Readers of this blog are well aware of my tireless advocacy for women\’s rights. Well, I have finally found a cause that I can get behind. From today\’s news:

JERUSALEM (Reuters) – An Israeli woman\’s breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hizbollah rocket attack during Israel\’s war with the Lebanese group, a hospital spokesman said Tuesday.

Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old\’s heart. \”She was saved from death,\” said a spokesman for Nahariya Hospital in northern Israel. The woman has been released from hospital.

Seeing as how I am all about safety, I am now lobbying the State Legislature to make these mandatory. It\’s a dangerous world out there – I want to make sure Wisconsin\’s women are \”equipped\” to deal with imminent danger. I\’ll set up my own nonprofit organization (The Institute for Thorax Safety), raise money, and come up with some sham medical evidence to \”support\” my claims.

The next headline you\’ll see:

Breast Implant Mandate Goes Into Effect: Worker Productivity Down 70%

Wait…what was I talking about again?

In what may be the greatest movie marketing ploy of all time, the promoters of \”Snakes on a Motherf***ing Plane\” have set up a website where you can send a friend a personal message from Samuel L. Jackson. Imagine my surprise when I clicked on this link imploring me to take \”My Homeboy Neil\” to the \”best movie of all time.\” I have been informed that the \”Neil\” reference is supposed to be \”Neil Heinen,\” who is, by the way, the first person I would choose to see the movie with.

So send your loved ones a Snake-gram today. They will probably never speak to you again, but that might actually be a good thing.

I had a couple beers with a friend of mine tonight, and he told me this story of a guy he used to work with:

The guy was an alcoholic, and would usually stay up all night drinking. When he got to work, he would shut his office door and sprinkle some change on the floor near the door. He\’d then lay on the floor and pass out on top of the change with his head up against the door. Then, if someone came into his office, the door would knock him in the head and wake him up, and he\’d pretend that he was on the floor picking the change up. And he\’d have an excuse for being somewhat disoriented, from being bumped in the head by the door.

I am walking down to the patent office tomorrow to trademark that maneuver. That is, if I\’m awake.