What in the hell is the purpose of this?

Did Jesus walk on water? Or ice?
Scientist says Sea of Galilee could have had frozen patches in Jesus\’ day

Rare conditions could have conspired to create hard-to-see ice on the Sea of Galilee that a person could have walked on back when Jesus is said to have walked on water, a scientist reported Tuesday.

The study, which examines a combination of favorable water and environmental conditions, proposes that Jesus could have walked on an isolated patch of floating ice on what is now known as Lake Kinneret in northern Israel…

\”We simply explain that unique freezing processes probably happened in that region only a handful of times during the last 12,000 years,\” said Doron Nof, a Florida State University professor of oceanography. \”We leave to others the question of whether or not our research explains the biblical account.\”

The headline for this story is all wrong. It should be \”Florida State Professor Steals Money from Taxpayers.\” Seriously – this guy should wear a black ski mask to work.

Does he actually think he is solving some centuries-long debate here? Does he believe the Bible is to be taken literally? Does he think Jesus just did the \”walking on water\” bit to win a bar bet? (No way, Christ – five bucks says you can\’t!\”) The next Florida State study we\’ll probably see is \”Fraudulent Jesus believed to be using a Jet-Ski,\” or \”Jesus\’ feast of fish for Bethsaida actually catered by Long John Silver\’s.\”

Let\’s get Oprah\’s book club on the case:

Oprah: \”Jesus, in the Bible you say you walked on water. But an inconsequential professor at a Top 5 party school says you may have been fibbing. What do you have to say for yourself?\”

Christ: \”I need a new manager. Pat Robertson is so fired!\”

This just in: Moses didn\’t actually speak to a flaming bush. In fact, the bush was believed to be gay.

For those Attorney General candidates looking for a common sense corrections plan, look no further than our old friend, The Kid From Brooklyn.

Never has such sense been made. The job of Secretary of Corrections for the Green Administration has now been filled.

Warning – language not suitable for work, unless you happen to work in a prison yourself.

(Madison) – In news that shocked both state government observers and members of the genital hair community, Governor Jim Doyle has been found to be trading campaign cash for valuable state contracts. Sources say that that Doyle awarded the state bikini waxing contract to his personal hair removal service, \”Eddie\’s Landing Strip\” in Boscobel.

The bikini waxing contract has become lucrative due to Doyle\’s recent initiative to provide free bikini waxing to the poor and homeless. In his State of the State address, Doyle announced the creation of \”BikiniCare,\” saying \”it is time that the poor have access to all the accoutrements that rich people do – except, of course in irrelevant areas such as public education.\”

Doyle reportedly accepted a check for one gazillion dollars in February, when he went in for his pre-spring break wax job. The service preceded a gubernatorial \”trade mission\” to Cancun, where Doyle sampled many of the delicious tequilas for possible import to Wisconsin. When he returned last week, Doyle noticed he had 237 new phone numbers programmed in his phone and can\’t remember entering a single one. He also returned with a \”Ludacris 4-ever\” tattoo and a mysterious rash.

When contacted for comment via cell phone, Secretary of Administration William Bablitch said, \”Yeeeeeeeeeow!,\” adding, \”son of a bitch that hurts!\”

\”This deal stinks to high heaven\” said gonad hair-removal expert and president of Common Cause Jay Heck. Heck unveiled his new plan to keep large checks from corrupting the political system. \”From now on, checks must be under one foot by three feet in size,\” said Heck.

Gubernatorial challenger Mark Green immediately took advantage of the revelation, vowing to remain hairy until after the election. Green challenged Doyle to sign a \”truth in grooming\” pledge, which would cap the amount of hair removal by each candidate.

A conversation from the York household this weekend, involving me, my wife, and my three year old daughter:

Me (to daughter): Come here and let me pull your pants up, honey – your butt crack is showing.

Daughter (laughing): BUTT CRACK! BUTT CRACK! BUTT CRACK!

Me: Honey, stop that before your mother hears you:

Daughter: BUTT CRACK! BUTT CRACK! BUTT CRACK!

Me: SHHHH!!!!

Wife (entering room): You got her to say it, now get her to stop.

Me (trying to change topic): Okay, honey – go tell your mother that you love her.

Daughter (hugging mommy): I love you, Buttcrack.

Wife (to me): Get your blanket, you\’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

I can\’t think of anything that I have seen that is more simultaneously horrifying and awesome:

Contrast this with the parents at Toys \’R Us this weekend that were making their kids wear helmets while they were trying out tricycles in the store.

H/T: Aaron