As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, my almost-4 year old son is still pretty little. The doctor did a “bone scan” or something on him, and it said he had 2 year-old bones. (Which sounds like what you get if you overdose on Viagra.) Our pediatrician, who is a really nice woman, said this was pretty normal for a late bloomer. She thinks he’ll grow to normal size (he’s three apples high, like a smurf) by the time he’s in high school.
But we took him in for a checkup today, and the discussion about his height took a bizarre turn. Somehow, she started asking questions of me, and whether I was a late bloomer. It went something like this:
Doctor: “So Chris, were you a late bloomer?”
Me: “Yeah, I was always pretty small for my age.”
Doctor: “So, in the early years of high school, you got picked on a lot, teased quite a bit for being small?”
Doctor: “So puberty was a little late for you, you didn’t start seeing changes in your privates until 13 or 14?”
Me (squirming): “Uhhhhh….”
Doctor: “So, you started shaving late, maybe your voice didn’t change until junior year or so? It’s harder for boys to tell, because they don’t have a period.”
Me: “Let’s just say I would consider myself to be a late bloomer. And that’s pretty much it.”
I mean seriously, WTF? How did this checkup for my kid somehow become about me? Should I have started asking her about when she grew into womanhood? This seemed to be a little too much of a one-way conversation. Now, having to re-live being picked on in high school is going to force me to see a completely different doctor. ObamaCare better pay for my f’ing therapy.
(Side note: As it turns out, I was always the smallest kid in my class. In 3rd grade, I was constantly beat up by a roving gang of older girls in my elementary school. My entire life has been devoted to showing those girls that they didn’t get the best of me. And that I don’t smell like poop, as they claimed without having any evidence.)