Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Taking “Going Green” Too Far

Look, I’m all about saving the environment and stuff, but come on…

Today, I slipped out for a little bathroom break at work.  I made my way into the stall to take care of business and sat down.  (Normally, I start singing really loudly to keep myself company, but not today.)

After about 3 minutes (honestly!) the lights went out.  Completely dark.  I was stuck in there, petrified.  I had to dig my cell phone out of my pocket, flip it open, and use the light to navigate myself through the final stages of my business.  Holding it up over my head (and continuing to hit the “clear” button to keep the light on), I made my way out of the bathroom, much like a coal miner would have to. (And with virtually all of the same toxic fumes.)

I looked over at the wall and noticed that they have recently put a motion sensor there, to click the lights off when there’s no motion.  Presumably, they are trying to save electricity when people aren’t in there.  But how could they not realize that when you’re in the stall there is NO MOTION.  It’s not going to pick people up that are behind the sacred walls of the stall, unless I guess, it’s an especially violent expulsion.

So what are you supposed to do?  Jump up in mid loaf, run out of the stall waving your arms and legs, and dart back behind the door?  (I do this anyway, by the way, much to the chagrin of my co-workers.)  Are you going to have to designate a “poo buddy” to go into the bathroom with you to keep the light on?  (To show my appreciation for you, by the way, I hereby nominate you my poo buddy.  No thanks necessary, although a small payment is appreciated.)

I’d love to have video of the first guy to go to building management to explain this situation.  Chances of the guys in the office nicknaming him “The Eternal Crapper” currently stand at 98%.


  1. It’s a men’s bathroom. Surely there would be enough sound vibrations or odor emanations to cause the sensor to be tripped, even if it didn’t visually pick up any, uh, movements. Short of that, wad up a bunch of toilet paper and throw it over the wall.

  2. Mr. Pelican Pants

    June 30, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    I wouldn’t make any sudden movements or gestures while in the stall. Ask Larry Craig how that turned out for him.

    Hmm…there’s a defense argument.

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