Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Who Am I?


My team has lost three of its last four games, dropping out of the playoffs – during which time I have thrown exactly one touchdown and six interceptions.  The one game we did win was on a fluke miracle defensive touchdown against the Bills when they inexplicably tried to throw the ball while running out the clock.

In my past three games, I have thrown for 137, 207, and 187 yards.  I have not thrown for 300 yards once this year.

Despite leading the NFL in interceptions, I made the pro bowl on my name alone.  My 21 touchdowns are middle of the pack in the AFC, and padded by one 6-touchdown game against the Cardinals where Arizona turned the ball over a ridiculous seven times.

The guy I replaced has now led a team that went 1-15 last year to a spot ahead of us in the playoff chase.

Four of my team\’s losses have come against powerhouses like Oakland (4-11), San Diego (7-8), San Francisco (6-9) and Seattle (4-11).

While taking time off from leading the AFC in interceptions, I found time to call a team and offer them tips on how to beat my old team, thereby exposing myself as a petulant, vindictive jerk.


(Answer after the jump:)





  1. Schadenfreude: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.

  2. Did good ol’ number 4 sleep with your wife or something? Holy crap! Do we need DNA testing to see whether your son’s premature stubble and prediliction for Wrangler jeans is something we should worry about?

  3. Is that Valerie picture pre-Eddie? Or post-Eddie?

    She looks pretty good.

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