In December of last year, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported on a program known as “Sex Out Loud” at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. The program, with a budget of $90,000, serves the purpose of providing “graphic workshops on how to give and receive sexual pleasure.” Supporters of the program claim it’s necessary, given how 80% of students aged 18-24 are having sex (the other 20% just aren’t trying hard enough).

One quick point up front – for most of us, the challenge isn’t giving or receiving sexual pleasure. The real challenge is giving or receiving sexual pleasure with someone else in the room. I mean, seriously – sex is the easy part. The hard part is finding someone to do it with. One you have found someone willing (or drunk) enough to form a meaningful overnight bond with you, you’re really 98% of the way there. Teaching some guys sexual “techniques” is about as useful as teaching a porcupine to skydive.

Furthermore, where did we go wrong when sex became so important that the UW-Madison felt they needed to teach it? Let’s face it – sex is growing in importance. It’s everywhere, and everyone is doing it. In fact, the cost to society for all the sex going on is incalculable when you consider the damage done by children without families. So why do we place such a premium on an activity that everyone can do? And do we really need government encouraging us to do it?

If your university isn’t telling you how to have sex, they are likely conducting a study on why you’re not. According to a study released by researchers at Johns Hopkins last week, “increased physical activity may also prevent decreased erectile function.” Is that really news? Chances are, if you’re fat, you’re going to have decreased erectile function all right – since it will likely cost you money to speak with a live woman. Next up from the researchers at Johns Hopkins – “Decreased erectile function linked to having food in your mustache.”

Think about how important already sex is to men. In order to get it, they are willing to do anything – get hair plugs, buy nice cars, imperil their marriages, jeopardize their presidencies, and worst of all, pretend they like Sarah McLachlan. It clouds our judgment and forces us to ignore obvious flaws in the women we pursue. If you are a man looking to have sex with a woman, you hear yourself say delusional things like “it’s so cute when she plugs her nose with oatmeal,” “I prefer mono-brows” and “you know, she really gets around well for only having one leg.”

But why is sex so special? I mean, think about what sex actually is at its most basic physiological level – it’s a 90 second activity that results in a fleeting moment of happiness. Word on the street is that you can even provide that moment to yourself (so I hear. Just a rumor.) So why do people care about it so much?

From a man’s perspective, I think I have the answer. Sex is important not because of the actual act of sex itself, but because it allows a man to say the following:

“I can’t believe I found someone willing to let me do that to her!”

You see, despite your slovenly lifestyle, marginal paycheck, and questionable looks, suddenly you found someone willing to ignore all of that to engage in the most intimate of acts with you. And that fact alone is awesome. You wake up the next morning fully expecting a ceremony where you’re awarded a gold medal for “tricking a woman into thinking you’re worthwhile.” It’s a validation of your lifestyle – a measuring stick to see where your street value currently stands.

And that’s really what’s important about sex – not how you do it, but whether you have the opportunity to do it. When Sex Out Loud says that they’re teaching “the kinks and fetishes that can help students satisfy their sexual desires, and that sexual pleasure improves physical and mental health,” it’s a crock.

I mean, really – is there anyone who hasn’t figured out the “pleasing” process? Are there still women trying to please men by putting a live lobster in their underpants? (Wait – don’t answer that.)

Depending on your view of how people came into being, some dude thousands of years ago had to figure out the modern way of being “pleased.” So gold star to that guy – although he probably had to buy an expensive dinner. And shortly after being the first guy to have sex, he also notably became the first guy to forget a girl’s phone number.