Take a few minutes today and stop by Bruce Dierbeck\’s website for some good observational stuff. He actually nailed a couple things I have actually been thinking about posting on:

First, read his post on going to get a haircut. I myself have run into a similar problem where I get my hair cut. My \”stylist\” recently graduated from whatever made up hair cutting school she attends, so now it costs me more to have her cut my hair (I\’m like those morbidly obese old women who spend a hundred bucks on a hairstyle, only to look like a morbidly obese woman with an expensive hairstyle. It\’s not going to land you the cover of Vogue, ladies.) I\’m sure it\’s really tough to move up to the next stylist level – a lot of classwork, some lab time, research on the cultural significance of sideburns, etc. In fact, I see a lot of cosmetology scholarly work cited in Supreme Court opinions.

So, anyway, I should probably switch women who cut my hair. But I just don\’t have the heart to do it. I would feel like I\’m cheating on my girl. I already switched once, and the woman I left stares daggers at me when I walk around with my current one. And it\’s not like I can pretend I\’m just there to fix the plumbing or anything – I am, after all, wearing a big sheet around me and my hair is wet. No plausible deniability there. And to add injury to insult, she has to watch this go on at her place of work. She has to sit there, three chairs away, and watch the customer that got away get a fantastic haircut, and willingly pay more for it. I think I would be more comfortable if George Clooney moved into my house to give my wife around the clock footrubs.

So I just don\’t know what to do. It seriously is worth the higher price to me just to not have to leave my current stylist and deal with all the drama. I just can\’t risk being the only male in a place full of so may pairs of scissors when there\’s so much tension in the air. Maybe I should just suck it up, Hugh Grant-style, admit my mistake, and throw myself on the mercy of my original cutter. I just don\’t know if I can do it. After we\’ve been through so much.

SIDE NOTE: You can tell at the classy places that the traditional hair washing ritual is much more of a hair wash/massage combo. And it feels great. So good, in fact, that I try to think about something else to make sure I don\’t actually enjoy it. It just doesn\’t feel right to love another woman rubbing your head that much. Does that make me a good husband or an absolute moron?

Secondly, check out Bruce\’s post on parrots. This confounds me. Wake up, people! THERE\’S AN ANIMAL THAT TALKS!

Seriously, if some farmer woke up one morning and discovered that one of his goats could talk, the world would grind to a halt. It would dominate the news (and if the goat knew the whereabouts of Natalee Holloway, Greta van Susteren\’s head would explode like the Nazis at the end of \”Raiders of the Lost Ark.\”) I would have trouble getting out of bed, thinking the apocalypse was upon us.

But here we have an animal that lives among us that talks, and nobody seems to care. We all go on living our daily lives pretending as if parrots don\’t even exist. I pass people on the street all the time, and you can just tell that there seems to be an understanding between humans that we\’re just not supposed to talk about it. Every now and then, if you make eye contact with someone you don\’t know, you get the subtle \”I know about parrots\” head nod, indicating that deep, deep down, they are dying to talk it out.

Unfortunately, I think this will all end badly. Soon, you\’ll see a parrot go in and shoot up a McDonald\’s as a cry for attention.

I\’m sick, so I need sleep. I\’m going to leave everyone with this thought:

I realize \”blogger law\” has about the same weight as \”international law,\” but can we all just agree now and forever that we won\’t use the word \”Nazi\” to describe members of the opposite party? I know everyone wants to make it known how strongly they disagree with certain people and policies, and it\’s easy to think of the most abhorrent example that you can. But that is a loaded term that has meaning, and you\’re really just demeaning yourself in the process.

And \”brownshirts\” is not an acceptable substitute.

Some fun that York guy is, huh?

Iran (AP) – Internationally renowned wrestler The Iron Sheik today expressed disappointment in the Wisconsin Legislature for considering a new law mandating the use of ethanol in their gasoline. The Sheik vowed to reverse pile drive any legislator that votes for the bill, which would cut into his unstoppable worldwide oil monopoly.

Anyone who wants to reduce U.S. dependency on foreign oil will have to deal with my 24 inch pythons,\” said the Sheik, noting that he applied a sleeper hold to Governor Jim Doyle during his recent mideast visit. The Sheik lifted Doyle\’s limp arm twice, but on the third try, Doyle pointed and shook his finger in anger, breaking the hold and winning the admiration of the Lovely Elizabeth.

In related news, President George W. Bush today ordered the invasion of Iowa, when he found out there were large supplies of ethanol available. When questioned about the attack, Bush said that Iowa governor Tom Vilsack posed an immediate threat to the Midwestern region. Upon hearing the news, Illinois immediately turned over thousands of potentially toxic Michael Bolton records to the U.S. military.

Fortunately, no dentists were killed in the invasion, as there are none in Iowa.

The invasion was immediately denounced by the WWF UN, comprised of racist stereotypes such as Rowdy Roddy Piper of Scotland, Nickolai Volkoff of Russia, Tito Santana of Mexico, Abdullah the Butcher from the Sudan, and Mr. Fuji from Japan.

Following the interview, the Sheik passed along a check to give to Wisconsin senators Russ Decker and Judy Robson, as a portion of their profits.

Special thanks for the reader idea for this – awesome!

So here\’s a little secret: When you sign up for a Blogger account, they give you a choice of about 10 blog templates to use. Now that more and more people are starting up blogs, more and more people\’s blogs are starting to look like mine. So I decided to go off the Matrix and try to find one that looked a little different (it has gotten poor reviews to this point). So I may try to play around with a few different styles before I settle into one. Bear with me. And e-mail and tell me if you like, them, hate them, or if you thought the Holocaust never occured (at which time I will forward your e-mail to the FBI).

UPDATE: I\’m still getting killed over the new template, so as punishment, I figured you guys could suffer through this one while I figure out what I\’m going to do.

No posts of any substance tonight (as if any of them are), as the wife and I have caught Oscar fever and watched the telecast to the end. A brief transcript of our discussion as an obviously pre- or post- pregnancy Jennifer Garner presented an award:

Me: Is she preggers or did she already have the baby?

Wife: I think she already had it.

Me: \’Cause I need to know when to start sending the checks.

Wife: Slaps me in the head.

Honestly, my wife deserves a Purple Heart for being married to me.

Via Sean at American Mind:

Film star Jessica Alba demanded that Playboy magazine pull its March issue, saying on Thursday that its editors made her an unwitting cover girl and misled readers into thinking they could see her nude inside.

Caught this in a St. Paul Pioneer Press story last week: (you may need to register)

A Wisconsin man pleaded no contest Monday to killing his girlfriend\’s son after becoming angry when the boy wet his pants.

Kevin Rood, 42, of Hammond pleaded no contest to second-degree reckless homicide and could face up to 25 years in prison, defense attorney Aaron Nelson said.

Rood was originally charged with first-degree reckless homicide and three child abuse offenses in the death of 8-year-old Stephen Hubbard, who died from injuries Dec. 20, 2004, after Rood pushed the boy into a doorframe. Those charges could have carried a 60-year sentence…

\”Kevin\’s always been very concerned about what happened, and he\’s always been very remorseful about what\’s happened,\” Nelson said. \”I think Kevin was the best thing that happened to that kid. (He) obviously felt he should take some responsibility for it.\”

Yeah – Kevin was the best thing to happen to the kid – until he killed him. If I\’m putting together a list of \”best things that have happened to me,\” the guy that kills me probably doesn\’t show up (unless he kills me while I\’m watching \”Sex in the City,\” in which case he\’s doing me a favor.) In fact, people who have not killed me have a distinct advantage in making the list. But a warning for those sucking up – it\’s going to be hard to leapfrog Peanut Butter Cups, Keira Knightley, and my snowblower.

This goes to show that you can literally say anything these days. He should take some responsibility for it? You think? Was the kid partially responsible for throwing himself into a door frame? Was the door frame maker liable for making particularly dangerous molding?

If an attorney general candidate wants my vote, here\’s all they have to do: Set up a fund whereby people can contribute money – then all that money goes to the family of the first inmate that makes Kevin Rood of Hammond limp for the rest of his life.

I spent Saturday night re-watching Shawshank. Even though I\’ve seen it probably 10 times, I am man enough to admit that I sob like a little girl pretty much the whole way through every time I watch it.

For some reason, Morgan Freeman has this hypnotic spell over me. Every time he starts in with the narrative, I feel every ounce of his pain. I mean Christ, I had to stop the movie and blow my nose when they\’re all drinking beer on the roof of the prison. His final speech before the parole board is an all-timer. And then at the end, when he says \”maybe I just miss my friend,\” my eyes turn into Niagra Falls.

So I\’m thinking we just cut the crap and elect Morgan Freeman President. Think about it – the presidency has pretty much become style over substance anyway. Why not have a President that goes off the charts on the style element?

He could probably talk me, Joe average citizen, into just about anything. If he were giving a speech and said \”My fellow Americans, we need to invade Canada,\” I\’d say \”Yeah, that sounds about right.\” If President Freeman wanted to double your income taxes, what are you going to do, say no? After the 40 years he spent in prison under that horrible warden? You heartless bastard.

So my advice to Morgan Freeman is, \”get busy runnin\’ or get busy dyin\’.\”

Los Angeles (AP) – Infanticide was given a new name today when Jack Bauer\’s illegitimate fetus killed an abortionist attempting to terminate the pregnancy. The fetus, sensing he was in \”flank two\” position, grabbed a pair of scissors from the doctor and jabbed them into his neck. The fetus killed four other hospital employees by forcing them to watch a clip of Chloe O\’Brian\’s acting.

Bauer\’s ex-girlfriend, Department of Defense employee Audrey Raines, decided to terminate her pregnancy when she believed Bauer was dead for 18 months. As Grandma always used to say when tucking me into bed, \”a dead child is better than an unwanted child.\” While he was presumed dead, Bauer hid out where he knew nobody would see him: by starring in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

The cause of death for the abortionist was listed as \”Fetus playing by its own rules, practicing its own vigilante brand of gestation.\” The fetus\’ willingess to fight back has inspired thousands of embryos to grow up to be just like him. In fact, a recent fertility clinic had to be closed down when it was discovered that the sperm were sneaking grenades into the donation rooms.

Before the attempted abortion, the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) downloaded the blueprints for the entire clinic to the fetus\’ cell phone, which apparently never runs out of batteries. The fetus was tipped off to the abortion attempt by former President David Palmer, who intercepted some chatter on the set of his latest Allstate Insurance commercial. CTU was especially busy that day, as every crazy relative of each employee decided to show up at the office on that exact day.

Upon hearing the news, President Charles Logan sent the fetus to the Middle East to hunt down Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Before making the decision, Logan consulted his closest advisors, all of whom apparently work for Al-Qaeda. It took the fetus about 45 seconds to get to Iraq, which is about the time it apparently takes to get from one side of Los Angeles to the other.

Next season, Bauer will take on his greatest challenge yet by attempting to write a plausible script for the popular FOX show \”24.\”

Fight back, fetuses! Viva la insemination!

So this discussion took place when I was playing with my daughter:

Baby York: \”I\’m going to get married, Daddy.\”

Me: \”Oh yeah, who are you going to marry?\”

Baby York: \”Miss Piggy.\”

Me: Awkward silence….

Me: (Looking at my wife:) \”I need a ruling on this – am I allowed to say she\’s supposed to marry a boy? What are you supposed to say these days?\”

Wife: \”So you\’re more offended that she would marry a girl than a pig?\”

——————————————————————-

After that, she and I practiced bouncing quarters off of a table into a cup. I figured this is genius on my part – I mean, when she\’s doing it in college, why not have her be the best in the world? We always played that the guy who makes it into the cup had to make other people drink – so if she\’s the Tiger Woods of playing quarters, she should never touch a drop of liquor, right? Daddy\’s looking out for her best interests. Brilliant. She has about 15 years to perfect it.

Later in the day, we were watching a basketball game and she said it was the \”black guys against the white guys.\” After dislodging the Cheeto from my windpipe, I said \”WHAT?\” I then realized it was Iowa (black jerseys) playing Indiana (white jerseys). I felt much better knowing I didn\’t have a three year old Marge Schott running around the house.

Someone sent this to me today, and I have to admit I almost died of laughter. The more you read, the funnier it gets. And I fully realize that the fact I thought it was funny means I should be checked into some kind of treatment center.

THIS BREAKFAST-PLATE IS UNTRUSTWORTHY

Here\’s another fun one someone brought to my attention:

Wis. Stat. 765.03(1):

(1) No marriage shall be contracted while either of the parties has a husband or wife living, nor between persons who are nearer of kin than 2nd cousins except that marriage may be contracted between first cousins where the female has attained the age of 55 years or where either party, at the time of application for a marriage license, submits an affidavit signed by a physician stating that either party is permanently sterile…

This is fantastic news for the downtown Madison parking cops.

Exactly what special interest was in the Capitol lobbying for this one? Move over, WEAC and WMC – here comes the powerful \”people that are dying to marry their second cousins\” contingent. Do they raise a lot of money to spend on elections by selling fruit on the side of the road? Do they save money by handing down school photos from generation to generation? I can see the attack ad against Mark Green right now:

\”You grew up in the same trailer. You\’ve spent two weeks\’ pay on her at the DQ. BUT MARK GREEN DOESN\’T WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO MARRY YOUR OWN COUSIN. Call Mark Green and tell him you want to get in them drawers!\”

I mean, seriously – we allow cloning for stem cells but don\’t allow men to make an honest woman of their first cousins? I\’m surprised the UW isn\’t lobbying to fund this horrifying genetic milkshake.

Ah, but there\’s an out for the truly hard core in-family lovers. If you\’re permanently sterile or the woman is over 55, you can marry your first cousin. So you have struck gold if you either:

1. Work at a nuclear power plant; or
2. It is the year 2036 and you are Jessica Alba\’s first cousin.

Side note: Being married and posting pictures of Jessica Alba is an easy way to achieve sterility, as your wife is likely to \”take care\” of things herself. In fact, I think I hear her sneaking up behind me now…

Here\’s another one that I actually am interested in:

Wis. Stat. 765.035:

765.035 Validity of marriages of epileptics. All marriages, otherwise valid and legal, contracted prior to April 24, 1953, to which either party was an epileptic person are hereby validated and legalized in all respects as though such marriages had been duly and legally contracted in the first instance.

I\’m seriously curious about the history of this one. I\’m assuming that at some point, state law either didn\’t recognize or outright banned epileptics from marrying. The new law corrected that by grandfathering in any epileptic marriages that may have taken place prior to April 24th, 1953 (and what the significance of that date is).

Is there any way we can amend the constitution to go back and bar epileptics from marrying? Ever since I found out at about 6:00 tonight that it\’s legal, I have noticed my traditional marriage beginning to deteriorate. When I demanded my wife make me a pot roast, I was hit upside the head by a flying frozen hot pocket. It can only get worse from there.

It\’s fun to look at State Statute books from time to time and wonder how the laws that are there came about. Obviously, each new law has a story behind it, and sometimes it\’s pretty easy to see what activity precipitated the statute change.

Take Wisconsin Statute 47.03(3)(a) (a), which says:

47.03(3)(a) (a) No person may advertise any product as being blind-made or sell or distribute any product that is advertised as being blind-made unless at least 75% of the labor involved in creating the product was performed by blind or visually impaired persons.

So there was obviously some slimeball out there running around selling something and telling people blind people had made it, when all they really did was play a Stevie Wonder CD at the factory while it was being made. There has to be some benefit to blind-made goods, whether they get preferential contracts or people like helping out the blind by buying their product.

So I envisioned a conversation like this:

Seller: So take a look here at this beauty of a car – it\’s 100% blind made. Your purchase of this fine automobile will really help out all those blind kids I\’m always bumping into in my car.

Buyer: Um… It looks like the car doesn\’t have any wheels, bumpers, or a roof.

Seller: Yeah, well it was made by the blind. They skip a detail here or there. They can\’t see.

Buyer: Are you sure this car wasn\’t stolen? It\’s up on blocks and has an \”I Brake for Unicorns\” sticker on it.

Seller: This is blind labor at its best, my friend. Don\’t mock the crippled. They work cheap, which is why you\’re getting such a good deal.

Buyer: I don\’t even like the color – I\’m not really a pea-green kind of guy.

Seller: Green? That car is obviously midnight blue. Maybe you should come down and work at the plant.

Buyer: Wait… what? Are you saying I\’m blind now?

Seller: Well, you obviously can\’t see what a great deal you\’re getting on this finely tuned, brand new car.

Buyer: Will a personal check do?

Do we need to have this same statute in place for products manufactured by other minority groups? I would like some assurance that my candy bars are being produced by at least 75% Oompa Loompa.

So by now you\’ve likely heard of a bill in the State Legislature that would bar protesters from demonstrating at funerals, military or otherwise. This bill is in response to funeral demonstrations by The Westboro Church of Kansas, led by noted hatemonger Fred Phelps. Phelps argues that deaths of the soldiers in the Iraq War are God\’s revenge on the United States for its acceptance of homosexuality.

My question if this – if God truly is vindictive, what could America possibly have done that is bad enought for The Lord to burden us with Fred Phelps?

Chicago – Modern day slattern deity Oprah Winfrey went on offense against Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle today, accusing him of not being honest with her legion of unshowered viewers. Doyle, worried that voters will avoid him like a thrift store jock strap in November, went on Winfrey\’s show to clear his name.

Doyle has come under criticism recently for allegedly not telling the truth about his involvement in awarding state contracts to state donors, for inflating the effect of his supposed \”property tax freeze\” and for claiming he one played the part of \”Rerun\” on the 70\’s show What\’s Happenin\’.

Oprah\’s viewers were riveted as they watched the interview play out while stuffing their fat faces with Cherry Garcia, polishing the nails on their nasty feet, and narrowly escaping a visit from child protective services for one more day.

Doyle has been able to duck law enforcement punishment up to this point, claiming insanity and impotence as his defense. To prove his case on the show, he attempted to set fire to his pants, but accidentally burned campaign chair Marc Marotta, whose lips were attached to Doyle\’s ass at the time.

Midway through the interview, a teary Doyle admitted to selling off state government to the highest bidder. He admitted specifically to giving the state travel contract to Adelman Travel not only because they gave his campaign $20,000, but because they threw in a shiny pair of wings to wear on his shirt that he thought were \”totally cool.\” Doyle said the contract was given out by a civil service employee who he didn\’t know, hadn\’t met, wasn\’t sure she actually existed, and was pretty sure that if she did exist, likely smelled like potato salad. Potato salad immediately issued a press release denying any involvement.

Doyle\’s challengers pounced on his legal problems immediately after they became known. Unable to sell off state contracts, Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker claimed he would be running a clean campaign, which explained why he currently had received contributions of $11.93, an unbreakable comb, and a copy of \”The Gap Band\’s Greatest Hits\” during the recent fundraising period.

Following the show, Oprah sentenced Doyle to three years of watching her own show. It was a rare chance for Oprah\’s viewers to see a political figure, as most of them think Geena Davis was \”totally\” wrong to invade Iraq. Oprah\’s Book Club has become a national juggernaut despite the fact that the last thing read by 97% of Winfrey\’s viewers was their child support check.

Reached for comment on the episode, Oprah\’s viewers\’ children said \”Where\’s daddy?\”

In completely unrelated news, Wisconsin blogger Jessica McBride was imprisoned for overdosing on too many exclamation points in one post. Cops began to be suspicious when exclamation points started disappearing from Wisconsin keyboards, only to find out McBride had been sneaking into homes and stealing them. As part of her probation, she will be forced to stop signing her name with a little heart over the \”i.\”

SIDE NOTE: If I ever do anything that involves four exclamation points, it better not be something I can tell my wife about.