Some lefties are taking shots at Republicans for contributions made by an individual named Ambrose Schwartz to some GOP campaigns. Schwartz, you see, owns the 4 Mile Gentleman\’s Club, which is a strip joint.

Schwartz, however, has given money to both Democrats and Republicans. It\’s pretty clear that he\’s a member of the Wisconsin Tavern League and likely gives through his conduit. That means the Tavern League holds on to his money and sends it to candidates that they support. He may have given money to legislators that he had never even heard of.

And when a campaign receives a check, it can\’t possibly take the time to look up the background of every contributor. If you do have the time to research every donor, you\’re not running a very good campaign. Plus, the name \”4 Mile\” wouldn\’t immediately signal \”strip club\” to me. It\’s not like it\’s the \”Bear Chest\” in Beloit or \”Beansnappers,\” which everyone agrees sounds dirty, but nobody can figure out why.

As for the propriety of receiving contributions from strippers themselves, I would argue women that can pick a dollar bill up without using their hands have more dignity than the teachers\’ union, and nobody seems to care about their contributions.

This is in stark contrast to the Doyle administration, where the whoring takes place after the contribution has been received.

Wow – from Wispolitics.com:

— Republican Scott Walker plans to withdraw from the governor\’s race and plans to throw his support behind GOP rival Mark Green, according to a top GOP source. See more in the right-hand column at www.wispolitics.com

The original Milwaukee Journal Sentinel article is here.

Let\’s see – the chair of the national Republican Party, Ken Mehlman, tours the state on Thursday, and Walker drops out on Friday – think a discussion was had between Walker and the big shots? The GOP is desperate to have a Republican Governor in Wisconsin in 2008 to help organize support for whomever might be their presidential nominee. It only made sense that they thought Walker was in the way of a strong Green challenge to Doyle.

Walker was a good candidate and will move on to higher office in some capacity. Best of luck to him. Hopefully, the party will take care of him in his next endeavor in exchange for gracefully bowing out now. Here\’s his statement.

The aggressive tactics he started a few weeks ago signaled that he was in need of a Hail-Mary. He must have looked at his polling and tried to take one more big shot, and when those fell flat, it was probably the end.

And while this is bad news for Walker, it is great news for Republicans. In fact, Walker and Jim Doyle are the big losers today. Doyle is now looking squarely down the barrel of a multi-million dollar Green war chest and sagging approval ratings that rival Billy Packer\’s. The cannons can turn on him now, as opposed to September. Not even the fundraising prowess of his toupee can get him out of this.

Now we can get on to discussing the issues that the public is really interested in – like whether Green\’s campaign manager likes Limp Bizkit or not. Or whether he once went to a Bucks game.

Normally, I\’d try to post something for the weekend, but Duke and Gonzaga taking a flamethrower to my NCAA bracket has me dispirited. I actually fell to my knees and wept as Gonzaga melted down.

So everyone have a good weekend.

Love,

Denny-o

I\’ll take Jay Bullock for the block, Whoopi…

Pretty sure he\’s never heard that one before.

You’re awake at 2 AM, and occasionally flip away from Showtime during the “uninteresting” parts of what you’re watching (otherwise known as the parts with “dialogue.”) In between ads for 1-900-HOT-LOVE (my home number, coincidentally), you see an opportunity to advance your education. Maybe it’s DeVry, maybe it’s ITT Tech, maybe it’s a cosmetology college. Now you feel like a sucker after you wasted six years of college, knowing that you could have an exciting career in audio/visual production in, like, 36 minutes.

Believe it or not, these schools are actually regulated by the state. Every year the Wisconsin Educational Approval Board releases its Directory of Private Postsecondary Schools, which provides a complete list of schools you normally don’t think anyone actually attends. As funny as some of them are, they are essential to getting people to work and provide great services to people with jobs who are looking to further their education. They include cosmetology schools, technology schools, auto repair, graphic design, accounting, health care training, and other necessary professional training.

That doesn’t mean, however, that some of them aren’t funny. Here are the schools, the writeups they provide in the directory, and my smartass comments:

Institute of Equine Therasage (p. 68)

The Institute of Equine Therasage is a 60-hour equine sports massage therapy certification program. This specialized course provides the education needed to help horses compete at their full potential. Our concept of what preventative maintenance massage therapy should be revolves around the horse as a whole. We have combined many unique methods of hands-on stretches, touch therapy, massage, and exercise mechanics with in-depth anatomy to create an outstanding program.

I had to think about this one for a second before I realized that it was you giving the horse the massage and not the other way around. I mean, seriously – the dropout rate in Milwaukee public schools is 50%, but we have schools to teach me how to massage horses? Isn’t this why al-Qaeda hates us?

Unfortunately, I had them in my Sweet 16.

John Robert Powers (p. 82)

John Robert Powers is committed to providing professional training for persons aspiring to explore or enter a career in film, television, print or runway modeling… Integral to the educational process at John Robert Powers is an emphasis on growing the character, maturity, and integrity needed for the demands of a career in the performing arts.

Yeah, if there’s anything actors and models are known for it is the “character,” “maturity,” and “integrity” with which the deal with the “demands” of their careers. Some sample classes:

Week one: The proper way to hit your assistant in the face with a cell phone
Week two: Why is Robert Downey, Jr. in my house?
Week three: Lab work on Colin Farrell’s STDs
Week four: Convincing denials about why your nose is bleeding

Bottom line: You have a better chance of making it on TV by running onto the field and dropping a deuce on second base at a Brewer game than by attending John Robert Powers.

Sister Rosalind Gefre School of Professional Massage (p. 146)

Sister Rosalind Gefre Schools and Clinics of Professional Massage is based on Christian principles and seeks to work in harmony with God’s plan for spiritual, psychological, and physical well being. Our mission is to promote the healing of the body, mind, and spirit through touch following Jesus’ example.

My favorite one. Ah, the soothing touch of the Hand of God. Who can forget the Biblical passage when Jesus turned water into wine, turned bread into fish, and provided deep muscle massages for the poor?

I seem to recall the legendary Biblical story when the small, coughing poor child tugs on Jesus’ leg and says:

“Jesus, my father is a leper. And my brother has no legs. And I have this terrible stiffness in my neck that could use a little work. Can you help us?”

Martin’s College of Cosmetology (p. 92)

The purpose of Martin’s College of Cosmetology is to educate, motivate, and mold students into successful, happy professionals in the fields of cosmetology and massage therapy. The Massage Therapy program at Martin’s provides students with the skills and confidence needed to become competent massage therapists.

Because you wouldn’t want to walk into a massage and see the masseuse cowering in the corner, shaking, because he’s lost his confidence. And you can see they really aim high here – their goal is to promote “competent” therapists. What do you have to do to fail? Perform a massage with ranch dressing?

Midwest College of Oriental Medicine (p. 93)

Are you allowed to say “oriental” anymore? Isn’t this considered racist now? Isn’t it hard to perform acupucture with a white hood on?

Midwest Power Yoga School (p. 96)

The mission of the Midwest Power Yoga School is to help each student broaden her/his knowledge of yoga and to like his/her personal yoga practice and life outlook to a new level. The Midwest Power Yoga Teacher Certificate program will give individuals the tools, hands-on experience, and confidence needed to teach a dynamic and challenging (physically and mentally) power vinyasa yoga class teaching in the tradition of Baron Baptiste.

“Mentally challenging” power yoga? Are they asking you to recite the Pythagorean Theorem while you wrap your leg around your head? When Ivy League researchers working on the mystery of cold fusion get stumped, do they call the Midwest Power Yoga School for tips?

Milwaukee School of Massage (p. 102)

The mission of the Milwaukee School of Massage is to prepare students for a satisfying and sustaining career in massage and to make the health and spiritual benefits of massage available to a wider audience.

Distinctive features of the Milwaukee School of Massage are…

– Unique and fluid curriculum design. We teach the anatomy in bite-size pieces. For instance, we will teach the cranial and facial bones, then the muscles that provide facial expression and mastication. This is then followed with the instruction in face massage. The face massage sequence competency is then satisfied by performing the sequence on the instructor. The physiology is taught in tandem with the massage or protocol it influences. An example is the circulatory, respiratory, and lymph systems are taught prior to instruction of the lymph massage.

– Introduction to a broad variety of bodywork therapies such as Foot Reflexology, Orthobionomy, Reiki, Benevolent Touch, Neuromuscular Therapy, Craniosacral Therapy, Myofacial Therapy, Infant Massage, Chair Massage and Lymph Massage, and Swedish Massage Therapy.

Jesus Christ, lady – I just want a massage. If I’m tense and I hear talk of “mastication,” I think I’d just rather have a brownie and ride it out.

And what’s with “infant massage?” I’d like to hear my wife pitch this one to me – “Um, honey – little Kabeer is awfully stressed out these days – he’s really been feeling guilty that his poops haven’t been inadequately solid. He could really use some ‘me time.'”

St. Croix Culinary Institute (p. 149)

The mission of St. Croix Culinary Institute is to provide in-depth, intense course of classical culinary preparation. Our curriculum is based on the tenets of classical French cuisine and is designed to prepare candidates to become chefs and pastry chefs for the culinary world…
The course is demanding and hands-on.

Imagine that – a cooking school that is “hands on.” Is there some other part of the body other schools teach their chefs to use? Have I been eating croissants rolled with someone’s feet all this time and just not known? That reminds of a joke about how one chef made donut holes… never mind.

Also, it’s good to see that they state clearly that they intend to prepare students to become chefs. You mean you don’t go to culinary school to become a motor scooter mechanic?

Hypnosis & Wellness Training Center (p. 63)

First class: Introduction to hypnotism
Second class: Why is my wallet empty?
Third class: When do classes start again?
Fourth class: Why is my wallet empty?

NASCAR Technical Institute (p. 110)

NASCAR Technical Institute (NTI) is owned by Universal Technical Institute, Inc., and was founded in 1999 following completion of an agreement with NASCAR to provide quality entry-level technicians to NASCAR and related automotive industry companies.

I see some cross promotional potential here: Can’t they team NASCAR school up with the Professional Institute of Dental Assisting? If you’re looking for people that need free dental work, doesn’t the NASCAR community immediately come to mind?

Alignment Yoga (p. 2)

Alignment Yoga’s Advanced Studies Program offers a comprehensive training in the practice of Hatha Yoga. Yoga is a study of body, mind and spirit, and the Advanced Studies Program provides a well-rounded exploration of all aspects. Guest lecturers from India share the richness of yoga’s spiritual underpinnings, while readings are selected to challenge and expand our understanding of yoga and the world around us.

I hear they take this India theme pretty far. In fact, as a class requirement, you have to steal the job of an American worker for a week and fix Dell computers over the phone for 38 cents an hour.

Wisconsin Institute of Natural Wellness (p. 175)

Wisconsin Institute of Natural Wellness (WINW) in Racine, Wisconsin, is a non-profit organization offering Professional Certification in Massage Therapy… We are committed to providing quality, professional education in massage therapy and an overview of other modalities of complimentary healthcare in order to insure that graduates will offer effective, compassionate and ethical treatment to those seeking holistic wellness.

What is “ethical treatment” of those seeking holistic wellness? Does this mean you can’t shock their nipples, shave their head, cake their face with mascara and force them to date a monkey? Should PETA get involved?

Wick Insurance Services (p. 176)

It is the goal of Wick Insurance Services to work with students, in teaching the necessary material to enable the student to be ready to take and pass the required state insurance exam. The school works in a friendly classroom environment, equipped with visual aids such as overhead projectors and easel presentations.

I clearly remember having the following conversation with my Dad when deciding to go to college:

Dad: “So, Christian – is it going to be Dartmouth or Brown?”

Me: “Who did you say had more easels again?”

And finally, the grandaddy of them all:

Wisconsin School of Chainsaw Carving (p. 179)

The purpose of the Wisconsin School of Chainsaw Carving is to teach students professional techniques and methods of carving in order for them to do high-quality chainsaw sculptures. Our goal is to raise the standard of chainsaw sculptures from one of a crude art form to one of a refined piece of art.

Who cares if their summary doesn’t make a damn bit of sense? How great is this school? In fact, you can check out their website at www.chainsawcarvingschool.com. I was all set to make fun of the school, but it’s actually something that Wisconsin should be proud of. It’s the only chainsaw carving school currently in the U.S. – take that, Arkansas!

Their website boasts that they provide “In depth Chainsaw Carving Training for the career oriented student.” Somehow, I don’t think the words “career” and “chainsaw carving” probably belong in the same sentence.

But they seem like a really nice family with a good organization. Check out the course catalog here. I would think the schedule of classes would look something like this:

Cutting Wood with a Chainsaw 101
Cutting Wood with a Chainsaw 102
Cutting Wood with a Chainsaw 103
Cutting Wood with a Chainsaw 203 (Doctoral Level)

Who needs the UW System? Shouldn’t we stop bragging about stem cells and start telling the world that we can turn logs into bear sculpures?

I\’m sorry – I just had to see if I could type those two words together without laughing. I was unsuccesful.

I read this article with amusement, as it describes how much the state is paying Silver Oak Solutions to find ways to save money (like the $27.6 million computer program Silver Oak/CGI-AMS recommended that has never worked).

It reminds me of the day I finally agreed to meet with a financial advisor, at the request of my wife. After shelling out $150 for his services, I looked at my wife and told her \”the first piece of money saving advice any financial advisor should give you is: never hire a financial advisor.\”

I was reading some past articles from the Wisconsin State Journal and ran into this editorial from Susan Lampert Smith from March 11th. It attempts to describe what Wisconsin\’s abortion law would be if Roe v. Wade were to be overturned.

It begins in typical fashion, comparing Wisconsin to North Dakota, then this paragraph appears:

On Wednesday at the state Capitol, Rep. Terese Berceau introduced a bill to take Wisconsin\’s old abortion law off the books. The Madison Democrat\’s bill stands about the same chances as an ice cream cone in the Dakota Badlands in August. Republicans control both houses of the Legislature and, for the most part, Wisconsin Right to Life and Pro-Life Wisconsin own them.

This is a common canard often used by the lazy left – that somehow since most legislators are pro-life, that they are somehow \”owned\” by the pro-life groups. Madison\’s repository of hot air, Neil Heinen, has made the same charge on one of his gag-inducing editorials. People that have even a cursory knowledge of the legislature, however, know better.

Pro-Life Wisconsin is a group that only supports candidates that are 100% pro-life. That means they\’re pro-life without any exceptions. Not for rape or incest, not for the life of the mother, not even if the baby is likely to look like me.

According to Pro-Life Wisconsin\’s numbers, 23 Assembly members received the endorsement of the Pro-Life Wisconsin Victory Fund Political Action Committee in 2004. Add that to senators who have been endorsed in the past (Grothman, Kapanke, Leibham, Reynolds, Kedzie, Fitzgerald, Lazich – Zien\’s was revoked), and that gives you 30 total legislators who have been endorsed by Pro-Life Wisconsin. Thirty out of 132 legislators (or, 22% of all legislators) apparently is enough to \”own\” the Legislature.

Wisconsin Right to Life is slightly different. They endorse a lot more people, as they accept exceptions for abortions. But they, like Pro-Life Wisconsin, don\’t give much money during campaigns. They are good for lists and votes, not money. In fact, candidates actually have to pay them to use their list to mail literature, because their membership is such a good target audience. If you have a legislator that is already pro-life, they will pay for the records so they can tell the pro-lifers in district that they agree with them. If you were going to make a list of the top 50 groups that \”own\” legislators based on campaign contributions, WRTL might not even crack that list.

Imagine that – a group that tries to keep their members involved in the political process. Aren\’t all the lefties for more public participation? Or are they only for public participation as dictated by editorial boards all over the state?

In any event, you can\’t swing a cat in Madison without hitting some sloppy liberal who makes that charge that somehow the Legislature is \”owned\” by the pro-life groups (I tried, and I took three out with my cat). You would just expect a little more intellect from someone who is given a column in the local paper.

I actually tried to keep a straight face when writing that last sentence, really.

Spivak and Bice believe they have hit on something with this Newsday report on bloggers trying to get into the print media. I have one message for bloggers who have the audacity to try to move into the mainstream media:

Go for it, homeys.

Hey, I like blogging as much as anyone, but I\’d write for anyone at anytime that wants to pay me. I don\’t care if it\’s writing for the back of soup cans – I\’m game. I\’d even drop the whole anonymity schtick. Pay me, and you can have my name, address, social security number and explicit personal information on all the women who refused to date me over the years.

The following would appear on my resume:

-Unable to cook for self, once ate five frozen pizzas in three days while wife was away on business.

-Universally loved by dogs

-Author of 189 blog posts, over 5 of which are good.

-Can play Radiohead\’s \”Karma Police\” on the guitar, but not all at once.

-Good with magnets.

In unexpected news that spread shock waves through all eight members of the Wisconsin blogosphere, famous blogger Dennis Pork was found dead this evening after celebrating his 2005 \”Blog of the Year\” award from Wispolitics.com. Pork, who was known for having addictions to alcohol and Carmex, partied through the night with loose female puppets and Michael Irvin before being found early this morning.

Pork had just finished giving his acceptance speech, in which he said:

Hello everyone and thank you. This is Dennis Pork, the alter ego of the guy whose hand is currently up my rear end. In fact I think this violates the gay marriage ban, and I’m calling the cops.

Thank you all for attending this Blog Conference. I’m glad all of your parents could give you a ride down here for this momentous event. I mean, a blogging conference – I haven’t seen this many white people excited since the last Fleetwood Mac reunion.

In all seriousness, though, thanks to Wispolitics for the award and for all the support I have gotten from the blogosphere while getting my blog up and running. Special thanks to Charlie Sykes, Bill Christofferson and Jessica McBride for exposing my blog to their audiences. And special thanks to the guys who have been doing this a lot longer and better than I have – the true pioneers of the Cheddarsphere.

If I had one challenge for blogs in Wisconsin, though, it is to try to push yourselves to do more and more of your own writing. You all have a lot of talent – and I want to know more about what you think and what you feel. With all due respect, if I want to know what Charlie thinks about something, I’ll go visit his site. Send me to sites I wouldn’t normally visit – touch on topics that I may not know about. Most importantly, keep writing and get your friends to start a blog. The more voices in the Wisconsin marketplace of ideas, the better.

I can’t wait to read what the bloggers have to say about this conference. And for the record, if you are blogging about a conference about blogging, send me your e-mail address so I can send you a picture ofwhat a naked woman looks like. I hear those are available on the internet now. Again, thank you for the award and for the great work that everyone here does.

\”This is a tragedy of epic proportions,\” said famous blogger Jessica McBride, adding, \”In the end, though, it was clearly the mainstream media (MSM) that killed Dennis.\” Conference participant Ed Garvey tearfully said, \”who is going to be around to point out the indisputable fact that I have my head up my ass?\”

The cause of death is officially being listed as death by overdose, but police are still looking for the whereabouts of a Mr. Owen Robinson of West Bend, Wisconsin. Word is, he has been impossible to track down these last couple of weeks, appearing on television, radio, in the newspaper, and as Epstein in the \”Welcome Back Kotter\” reunion that aired last Friday.

Pork will be remembered in a service held tomorrow at TGI Friday\’s, where he will be slathered in barbeque sauce and guests will be able to partake in eating his ribs. Only contributions of cole slaw are being accepted.

I wasn’t going to write a post tonight, as I spent a large chunk of time going through some of my old junk looking for some test scores from a few years back (I’m trying to settle a bet with a co-worker on who scored higher on a particular standardized test). In doing so, I ran across some stuff from high school I had written, and it is all beyond horrific. So, in order to make sure I can never show my face in public again, I thought I’d share a letter I wrote to a girl that broke up with me after my junior year of high school (a long, long, long time ago).

Let me set the scene: I was set up with this girl by a mutual friend, and we went out for about a month. Little did I know, she was actually sticking around to get closer to my friend Dave, with whom we double dated on occasion. Finally, she broke it to me (after I spent a ton of cash for us to go to prom), and I reacted in true 16 year old fashion, thinking my life was over. So I wrote this letter to her, that I thankfully never sent. Take note of the masterful use of the sports metaphor.

M,

Ever since I began playing sports years ago, people have always praised me for how hard I played and, if I happened to lose, what a good sport I was. I’ve lost.

However, this can’t simply be compared to a crummy game. In sports, you just pick yourself up, regroup, and give it your best try the next time out. But in my situation, I’ve lost a lot more. I’ve lost you, as well as a part of myself. Just like I needed my brain to think or my lungs to breathe, I needed you. The day you leave, it will probably have been months since you talked to me, and you will have forgotten this whole relationship totally. That day will be the saddest of my life (editor’s note – it wasn’t.)

I know you don’t like me to talk that way, but it’s true. That’s the only way I can truly express the way I feel about you. I would list all the great things about you, but my limited vocabulary just wouldn’t do you justice. From the first time we went out, you took hold of my thoughts for good. Every dream and aspiration I had from that point on was in your hands. I made the foolish mistake of falling in love with you, so now I can’t get them back. Whether you want to or not, you’ll always have my thoughts.

Anyway, I set myself up for this, so now I just have to eat it. Regardless of what I think of myself, I always thought I could enhance your life and make it even more wonderful than it was before. I guess we’ll never find out. It’s too bad you let your attraction to Dave get in the way. It blinded you to the fact that Dave doesn’t love you and I do (and always will). (Editor’s note – I don’t). I would do things for you that Dave never could. From this point on, my friendship with Dave will deteriorate quickly (Editor’s note – it didn’t: he was one of my groomsmen a decade later). I wish it wouldn’t be like that, but I know it will.

I’m not mad at you for not feeling the same way about me as I do about you. If not liking me was a crime, the entire female gender would be in prison. It’s a good thing you told me about all the guys who you’ve chosen to not talk to for months at a time, now that I’ve fallen into that category.

I didn’t lay a finger on you any time we went out. (Editor’s note: My ability to take hints wasn’t very sharp at age 16.) That doesn’t mean much, just that I liked you for who you had inside, not just because of your extraordinary beauty.

Well, this letter’s getting too long. Don’t even this begins to sum up everything I feel. You can pass this off as musty garbage, or you can look at the words for what they really mean. Anyway, I realize I’ve lost. In the future, when you’ve totally forgotten about me, I hope you find someone else who loves you half as much as I do. Then you’ll be a happy woman for a very long time.

P.S. – Stay away from the sharp cheddar cheese.

So there you have it – the ramblings of a 16 year old madman. I admit, I was cringing in pain while typing it out. So it only makes sense to share it with the world, right? I figure everyone has times like that during their high school years, I just can’t believe I wrote it out and saved it.

I actually never drank a single drop of alcohol in high school. In retrospect, I should have.

I am now going to puke my guts out.

Thankfully, the Washington Post has read my mind and decided to let the world know what Vanilla Ice has been up to the last few years. Here are a few excerpts from this unbelievable online chat, with my comments attached:

Minneapolis, Minn.: Yo Vanilla — do you still rock the mic like a vandal?

Vanilla Ice: Oh, of course, that\’ll never stop. A lot of people don\’t remember anything since Ice Ice Baby, but I\’ve got 3 records out since then and they\’re all successes — but not commercially. All three records are platinum and the latest is called \”Platinum Underground\” because I can still have a fan base without radio and MTV, because that\’s not the only way. There\’s sat radio and Internet.

\”All successes, but not commercially.\” Isn\’t this like saying the Scott McCallum gubernatorial campaign was a big success because he managed not to expose himself on the campaign trail?

Silver Spring, Md.: What are you currently up to?

Vanilla Ice: I\’ve been really busy, playing over 100 shows per year for the past year. Just got back from Russia and played huge stadiums over there — 35,000 people a show. They\’re out of that iron claw thing now, so any American act that plays there is really huge. I played Estonia, all these places that all just got their independence, the whole Baltic region. Oslo, Norway, Amsterdam, and all through Europe, Finland and also played three shows in London and all were huge successes.

Hard hitting question. Let the record show from Ice\’s own website that in Europe he played places with names like \”Club Prive,\” \”Essential Club,\” \”Studio 51,\” and \”Tiger Tiger.\” In Russia, he played at \”Club Marakesh\” and at the \”Diskoteka\” Dance Festival, where, of course, he was one of many acts. Chances 35,000 Russians were in \”Club Marakesh:\” zero. Can we send him back to France to pollute the music scene there?

Additionally, the fact that he named five Eastern European countries officially makes Vanilla Ice more knowledgeable about international politics than Russ Feingold.

Falls Church, Va.: Who are your primary musical influences? And what\’s in your iPod right now? What do you think of the state of music today — would you agree that we lack the innovators who defined the music of the \’90s?

Vanilla Ice: My influences are more like underground stuff. Definitely hip hop and funk — Funkadelic, Rick James, Parliament — and when those movies came out like \”Breaking\” with Turbo and Ozone sweeping the floor — I was heavy into breakdancing back in the day. I never thought anything would come from it. Egyptian Lover came next… pop-locking instead of just breakdancing. I just stuck with it through that whole phase and started battling my high school friends across town and I entered some talent contests on a dare and some talent scouts were in the audience and then went on tour with Iced Tea, EPMD — the Stop the Violence tour. But after I signed with SPK, pretty much everyone knows the story from there.

Ah, yes – the legendary breakdancing battles on the mean streets of whatever suburb he\’s from. Isn\’t it this whole \”I\’m old school\” crap that got him in trouble with black people in the first place? And he considers Parliament and Rick James \”underground?\” And did he just refer to Ice-T as \”Iced Tea?\”

I\’m sure the blacks he knew growing up (both of them) appreciated his mad break dancing skillz. In fact, if any brother beat him to an inch of within his life for stealing his culture, there\’s not a jury in America that would convict him.

Clayton, N.C.: Ice – What are your critics saying now? How did you deal with them then versus how do you deal with them now?

Play that funky music…whiteboy!!!

Vanilla Ice: I just kind of shoot the finger to the critics. I don\’t give a sh– what a critic says. To me a critic is some loser who has no idea… someone with an opinion. We all have opinions. No offense, but what makes them dictate what is cool and what is not. What gives them the pass to say that their opinion on music or movies or anything is what should be cool and what shouldn\’t. I don\’t think it should be up to one person.

I get great reviews from the critics, but based on how two-faced I\’ve seen em be in the past — the same ones that write good reviews write bad ones, too. Not everyone agrees on music. Some people like rap, some like country — it\’s all an opinion. F the critics.

\”I get great reviews from the critics.\” Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the critics. His last seven albums, in reverse order: One star, one star, one and a half stars, two stars, two stars, two stars, one star. There are fewer stars on his resume than there are on \”Celebrity Fit Club.\”

From a review of his album \”Platinum Underground:\”

The descriptions of how poor this album is from start to finish could result in a thesis-length review. The whole concept behind this record should have been aborted during the early sessions.

\”Great\” reviews. In the same way that herpes is \”great.\”

Washington, D.C.: I think I saw on IMDB that you\’re married with two kids? How old are they? Do your wife and kids go with you on the road? Do they lead a pretty normal life, go to regular schools and stuff? How do they all deal with your celebrity status?

Vanilla Ice: Yes, it\’s true and they do go on the road with me every now and then. But it\’s kind of rough out there… and some of my fans are harder edged… body pierced tattoo folks. My sound has changed. It\’s still hiphop, but it\’s more of like a rock/hip-hop show. It\’s high energy, stage diving, pyrotechnics, girls showing their breasts. It\’s crazy party atmosphere. My kids are immune to it and they love it, but they try to live as normal of a life as they can. They\’re in private school and when they come on the road we homeschool then. We try to make it as normal as we can.

Where do you start with this? What level of hell does your soul inhabit if you show your breasts at a Vanilla Ice concert?

And let me get this straight – you\’re a little kid, you\’re homeschooled, and your Dad is Vanilla Ice. Does Guinness keep a record for \”child with least friends,\” or \”most socially inadequate teenager?\” His son is going to be the Tiger Woods of datelessness.

Is Vanilla a big Tom Reynolds fan? During the budget, did Reynolds cave in to the powerful Washed Up Rapper lobby when he proposed the home school tax credit? Are Kid \’n Play going to start lobbying for more SAGE money?

Jefferson City, Mo.: How did the name \”Vanilla Ice\” originate? Why is the name so focused on your whiteness? Was it a toss-up between \”Vanilla Ice\” and \”Marshmallow Ghost?\”

Translation: I am extremely high, and thought \”Marshmallow Ghost\” was hilarious. I thought I would send it to you to insult you, figuring you are so dumb, you wouldn\’t know I was insulting you. And I was right. Kudos to you, Mr. Ice. I am smarter high than you are sober. I must go now, as a giant purple crocodile is about to eat my earlobes.

I actually went to his website, vanillaice.com, to listen to sound clips. I can now honestly say that after listening to two clips, I think I am sterile.

Let\’s be honest with ourselves, for just a moment: if you\’re a sports fan that craves championships, Milwaukee isn\’t your town.

Recent college graduates weren\’t born when Harvey\’s Wallbangers made the World Series in 1982. The Brewers haven\’t even had a winning season in 13 years. The Bucks last won the NBA World Championship in 1971, despite a finals appearance from Kareem and Co. three years later. Marquette\’s national championship came 15 years before Indian tribes figured out they were offended by the word \”Warriors,\” and it has been another 15 years since then. The Packers\’ 1996 Super Bowl victory counts as a partial victory, but everyone has to admit the franchise loses a little of its down home charm if it\’s considered a \”Milwaukee\” team.

Despite this bleary record of athletic accomplishment, Wisconsin sports fans remain a loyal and perenially optimistic bunch. Brewer fever has hit once again, simply because the team managed a record last year that landed them 19 games behind their division leader. The Bucks have a legitimate shot to sneak into the playoffs. And despite the Packers\’ nosedive, it\’s almost certain that there are still plenty of people naming their dogs things like \”Fuzzy,\” \”Lambeau,\” and \”Cleditus.\”

When one looks at the pantheon of sports accomplishment, however, Milwaukee holds something that no other city has.

755.

That\’s right. Milwaukee has the Home Run King. Choke on it, New York. Pucker up, Chicago.

Sure, Hank Aaron played a chunk of his career in Atlanta after the Braves moved, but all total, he spent 65% of his career in Milwaukee. He brought Milwaukee a 1957 World Series Championship. More importantly, he owns an Arby\’s in Germantown. Plus, it was as a pot-bellied Milwaukee Brewer in 1976 that The Hammer hit the home run that has graced the record books for over 30 years.

But now, like a freight train moving at a mile an hour, the slow motion scandal everyone has feared is approaching. Soon, Barry Bonds will pass Babe Ruth in all time home runs, and will likely catch Aaron. And with that record, he will not only steal the most honored record in sports history, he will walk off with the heart and soul of Milwaukee\’s sports tradition.

Milwaukee fans are used to injustice, and we forgive nearly everything. We spent our tax money on a new stadium after the team threatened to move, only to see the additional revenue from the stadium go to line the pockets of ownership. We took it when Gary Sheffield purposely tanked plays in the field to try to get traded, only to go on to a Hall of Fame level career elsewhere. We watched in horror for a decade as Sal Bando euthanized the organization with Kevorkian-like precision. We had to grimace while \”Crap Iron\” (Phil Garner) managed the Astros to the World Series last year. We even let our children play in the same streets on which John Jaha was allowed to drive. And yet we always return, always hoping, always optimistic.

Yet when Barry Bonds, through the aid of steroids, overtakes Hank Aaron as the all time home run leader, he will take with him a central piece of Milwaukee\’s cultural identity. The Sports Illustrated article published last week that copiously detailed Bonds\’ steroid use virtually guarantees that some action will be taken against Bonds to prevent his further hijacking of the record books. Even if only some of it is true, it\’s more than enough to cast Bonds into the pit of \”permanently scorned athletes\” where he belongs. Hell, we went to war with Saddam with less evidence.

Aaron has actually commented on the theft of his record, when he said:

\”I think if Barry doesn\’t do it (next) year, I think there\’s a good chance he\’ll do it (the following) year,\” said Aaron, looking ahead to 2007, though Bonds\’ contract is through 2006. \”Records are made to be broken, and I want you to understand that. Barry has been a tremendously gifted player. We can\’t sit here and accuse him of anything. He hasn\’t been found guilty of nothing. We talk about it and talk about it, and that\’s all I can say.\”

This quote is emblematic of why the ouright theft of this record is so horrifying. Throughout his playing career and into retirement, Hank Aaron has exuded class and exemplified professionalism. From his early days in Alabama when he swung the bat cross-handed until he broke Ruth\’s record amid racist death threats, Aaron has always been a rock solid example of integrity in the public eye. Even now, when he knows full well that Bonds is going to mug him at gunpoint, he takes the high road.

In stark contrast, Bonds continues to lower the bar for public (and private) behavior by an athlete. The Sports Illustrated article details Bonds\’ abuse of women, philandering, tax evasion, lying to investigators, and of course, the rampant use of steroids. In fact, Bonds has said that all the criticism he has gotten lately is a racist plot, since Mark McGwire hasn\’t been subjected to the same scrutiny. Apparently he\’s unaware that the man he\’s about to permanently damage, Hank Aaron, is in fact, black.

To take Bonds\’ word that he never knew he was using steroids is to ask people to believe the unbelievable. At the age when other athletes\’ bodies are breaking down, Bonds\’ numbers took off at record levels. For instance:

Aaron never hit more than 47 home runs (he hit over 40 eight times in 23 years). Bonds only hit 40 HRs three times before age 35, and has averaged 51.6 HR per year since turning 35.

For Aaron, 32.5% of his total HRs came after age 35 (7 years) For Bonds, 37.1% of his total HRs came after age 35 (and counting).

For Milwaukee fans, we simply cannot allow this injustice to stand. On Wednesday, May 3rd, Barry Bonds will step into the batter\’s box at Miller Park. I demand that when this occurs, Bud Selig requires Bonds to wear a ski mask when playing, as a symbol for the record-jacking Bonds is about to do to our city. I would hope that Milwaukee fans would have enough class to heap as much abuse on Bonds as possible. The fans that don\’t have strong feelings about this are the same people that wouldn\’t mind having Michael Jackson come into their home to babysit their kids.

If anyone knows Milwaukee sports history, it is Bud Selig, the commissioner of baseball. It has been rumored that he is looking at taking action against Bonds in light of the recent Sports Illustrated article. Bonds apologists cry that Selig shouldn\’t take action against just Bonds, since steroids were rampant in the 1990s and the league had no rule against them. Steroids, however, were illegal at the time, and are about to tarnish the most prestigious record in all of pro sports. While Bonds\’ records to this point will have to stand in order to maintain the continuity of the record books, there\’s no reason Selig couldn\’t pull the plug on Bonds\’ career before this travesty takes place.

My Dad boasts with pride of his days as
a kid growing up in Milwaukee, when he and friends would sneak into County Stadium, hoping to catch a glimpse of the man that would one day become the greatest home run hitter of all time. What Barry Bonds doesn\’t realize is that when he steps into the batter\’s box, he\’s not facing a pitcher. He\’s facing Babe Ruth. He\’s facing Hank Aaron. And he\’s facing my Dad\’s childhood. And that I take personally.

SIDE NOTE: I started writing this a couple weeks before the Sports Illustrated article came out. So now I\’m kicking myself that I didn\’t post it earlier, because it would have made me look like a genius if I essentially predicted what was in the article. Damn you, procrastination!

Milwaukee (AP) – Charlie Sykes received a blistering rebuke today from \”true\” conservatives, upset at his recent column indicating a tolerance for gay marriage. \”It\’s clear that Charlie\’s a RINO, as he\’s obviously whored himself out to the pro-homo-testicle lobby,\” said editor of the Wisconsin Conservative Digest and part time resident of Planet Earth Bob Dohnal.

\”It is impermissible for anyone that calls themself a conservative to disagree with right-wing values in any way, so Charlie\’s membership is now revoked,\” said Dohnal, who called for Charlie to be recalled from his talk show position. \”I don\’t care how many poorly punctuated, gramatically-challenged e-mails written in all lower case that I have to send out to my list of 300 names, we will get Sykes for his endorsement of this hedonistic lifestyle,\” said Dohnal.

Dohnal cited a rock-solid scientific poll he conducted on his website that showed that 98% of people in Wisconsin had never been married to a gay person. (The poll has a margin of error of 100%.) More importantly, 100% of the 4,765 votes originating from Dohnal\’s basement were opposed to gay marriage.

Real conservatives ripped Sykes for turning his back on the rock solid traditional conservative values of family, religion, and a belief that God sent Hurricane Katrina to punish us for Ryan Seacrest. \”I don\’t think Charlie has thought about how badly his position will split Republicans in Southeastern Wisconsin,\” said state employee J.J. Blonien. \”Even by Sykes\’ standards, this is a cave-in of truly pathetic proportions,\” said Blonien, who also serves as translator for State Senator Tom Reynolds, as Reynolds speaks in tongues.

\”It\’s almost like he has his own opinion,\” said a sobbing, inconsolable Peter DiGaudio, who promised he would now begin referring to the talk show host as Charlie Sykes (RINO-White Swallow). \”No more hat tips for him,\” said DiGaudio.

The York Blog has learned that Sykes\’ invitation to the 2006 Homo-Fascism Conference has been revoked. Instead, organizer Ralph Ovadal has scheduled a special seminar, entitled \”Charlie Sykes: Modern Day Caligula?\” This will be followed by break out discussion sessions entitled \”Hello, Police? There\’s a Man in My Neighbor\’s Butt,\” \”Daddy, Why Can\’t I Go to Real School,\” and \”We Respect the Rights of All Citizens… to Burn Down a Homo\’s House.\” Following the conference, attendees will head over to La Cage for the Limbo contest.

\”Dohnal? That fu**er\’s nuts,\” said Ovadal.

For those that don\’t know the ins and outs of running a blog, you can kind of figure out where the visitors to your blog are coming from, and how they found you.

But I was surprised when I read that someone found my blog by typing \”Where can I find free abortions in Wisconsin\” into the Google search engine (see the results here.)

Maybe I\’m a tightwad, but if I had to make a list of services that I wouldn\’t want to skimp on, abortion is probably high on the list. Can you imagine the customer service at a free abortion clinic? You might actually leave the clinic with an extra baby in your uterus. Do they pay the abortionists in Skittles? Do they line the operating table in toilet paper they stole from McDonald\’s?

So whoever the person in West Salem is that\’s looking for a free abortion, take some free advice from me – put in the extra shift at Arby\’s this weekend and go somewhere that doesn\’t double as a tattoo parlor. Or, better yet, take care of the baby you\’ve created. Last time I checked, \”not being a selfish idiot\” is still free. Being responsible don\’t cost nothin\’.