Just when I thought my chain of posts featuring crazy constituent letters was coming to an end, this letter fell to me like manna from heaven. Several Capitol offices sent to to me, as it was sent to every state legislator in the United States.

Like great jazz, it displays improvisation based on the sound fundamentals of crazy people. It features many of the staples of great crazy people letters – the conspiracy theories, the personal vendettas, the incomprehensible CC list, and so on. But lest you think this is just your run-of-the-mill looney, skip ahead to the cartoon he drew to illustrate his problems with his lender. I\’m not sure who the scariest villain is – although I would like to personally thank Mr. Mozillo for making this guy\’s life a living hell. Without it, he wouldn\’t have been inspired to create such a masterpiece.

Read it here (and as usual, click on the maginifying glass at the top right to make it bigger). You can scroll through the pages by using the arrows at the top. And make sure you\’re not drinking anything at the time.

There’s a topic known to all internet users that doesn’t get nearly the discussion it deserves. In fact, as a worldwide threat, it is second only to al-Qaeda in terms of danger to America. It threatens to bring down the economy and cripple work productivity. I am talking, of course, about the worldwide scourge of penis e-mails.

For some reason, in the past week, I’ve been flooded with these damn e-mails. (And for my own sake, I hope everyone gets these – I would hate to think I am being singled out specifically by the penis enhancement industry.) Just in the last week, I’ve received some of these erudite beauties:

• tired of pulling your pole? start taking penis pills today
• In company ladies may declare, that man’s skill as a lover is much more significant, than the length of his willy. But we all know, that privately, they confess to the contrary! In actual fact that massive pen!s is more mighty and exciting! MegaDik will help you to become more competitive as a lover!
• Believe us, she will appreciate it very much to discover bigger one-eyed python in your pants!
• stop paying for sex dummy! get all the girls with a big c**k
• Impressive F***stick!

Notice these Mensa candidates have managed to completely confuse my spam filter by substituting a “!” for the “i” in “penis.” There’s an 80% chance my spam program was written by U.S. border security.

Obviously, someone must reply to these e-mails. Otherwise, why would anyone take the time to send them out to everyone in the world? Again, I hope everyone gets them – otherwise, I’m part of a select “penis database” kept in the basement of the Trilateral Commission, or they’re being sent to me by someone from my health club.

Either way, these e-mails defy any standard of logic. First of all, as I’ve pointed out repeatedly, 98% of the hard work is finding someone who will actually want to be in the same room as your exposed weiner. Once you’ve convinced a woman that you’re not storing anthrax in your penis, it’s pretty much gravy from there on out. Its “tale of the tape” is pretty much a side issue.

That being said, how many guys are like “oh, man, the reason I can’t meet girls is because my crank is too small?” It’s actually more likely because they’re still wearing a digital watch.

Furthermore, who are these hypothetical women that notice your penis size even before you meet? Put it this way – if the first thing a woman sees of yours is your love muscle, you better damn well have your credit card ready.

I’d just love to be there when a guy asks a girl out for the first time, and she says, “You know, Chris, I think you’re a great guy and you’re really smart and funny and everything, but… and I hate to say it… but your one-eyed python just isn’t massive enough for me. In fact, I know this great website…”

On top of that, who are the remaining people in the world that think their “size” can be enhanced by some magic pills purchased on the internet? That’s just crazy. Everyone knows that the only realistic way to “enhance” your manhood is to make all of the furniture in your apartment 20% smaller. Expensive, but effective.

Finally, how is it that with all the people working on worthwhile causes, the only junk e-mails I get are from scam artists? How come I never get spam from the “Save Darfur” people? Yet some guy in his basement working for the penis black market was able to track me down. How is it that the penis pill people have gotten their hands on the most powerful spamming program known to man – shouldn’t this concern us a little bit? This is like Iran having nukes. Is INTERPOL too busy tracking down people copying DVDs in their basements?

Whenever they catch the bastards in charge of flooding my e-mail box with this junk, they better get the stiffest penalties possible.

(Too easy, I know… I could go on all day…)

UPDATE: Honest to God, as I was writing this post, I got the following e-mail:

“If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war”

Congratulations to Casper for suggesting \”The Timid Merger\” round out the top ten list of people on the road that drive a guy nuts. There were several good entries, but this one was my favorite.

Just what is the mindset of The Timid Merger anyway? \”Hmm, traffic\’s moving pretty fast on the highway. I\’d better try merging with those cars doing seventy by going thirty.\”

Equally rotten, though, is \”The Overly-Aggressive Merger.\” He\’s the guy that just flies onto the highway sans blinker who just expects you\’re going to make way for him. Appropriate punishment for him is to spin him out by nudging the corner of his back bumper. I see this work all the time on World\’s Scariest Police Video\’s. (Quick side bar on World\’s Scariest Police Video\’s, how totally awesome is the guy that narrates that show? He could make a million dollars in a week if he offered to be the voice on people\’s answering machine for ten bucks.)

Yesterday, I wrote a post about some of the crazy constituent letters we used to get when I worked in the legislature. Here\’s another one worth reading – and remember, every time you pay your taxes, some of it goes to try to help families like this:

Page One
Page Two

(Again, click the magnifying glass on the top right of the image to read it more easily.)

And despite the entertainment value, it gets a lot scarier when you realize we got letters like this all the time.

Hello Everyone,

I know it\’s been awhile since I last rapped at ya, but it\’s been terribly busy lately at the Shuffhausen Clinic in Vienna. Between work and Thanksgiving travel, I’ve had plenty of time recently to ruminate about things other motorists do that make me wish I had a hood-mounted cannon on the ol’ Shuffhausenmobile. In the interest of beating the Top Ten motif to death, here is my list of the ten most obnoxious people you see on the road and how they should be punished. As a handy reference, you may wish to just paste a copy of following post on your dashboard.

The Offender: The “Thank You” Wave Forgetter
Setting the Scene: You are leaving a packed parking lot after a sporting event and cars are funneling down into the one main lane out. Being the polite person that you are, you allow someone to jump in line in front of you. The problem is he doesn’t acknowledge your good deed with a wave, smile or even a head nod. This is incredibly poor form.
Appropriate Punishment: Since the ingrate is now right in front of you, turn your brights on and keep them on until you are out of the parking lot.

The Offender: The “Lane Closed Ahead” Sign Ignorer
Setting the Scene: Since his time is much more important than everyone else’s, this guy thinks it\’s OK for him to skip ahead of 40 other cars who actually obeyed the sign and moved over. Sadly, someone ALWAYS lets this boor in.
Appropriate Punishment: Under no circumstances should this motorist be allowed to cut in. You must ram this offender into the rail when he tries making his move into the line. If I ran the world, the cost to repair any damage your car incurred while nudging Lane-Closed-Ahead-Sign-Ignorers off the road would be paid out of their insurance. Plus you would be given a $500 reward for your service to humanity.

The Offender: The Intersection Blocker
Setting the Scene: It’s bumper to bumper traffic with cars just creeping through green lights. Instead of waiting to make sure he can get all the way through, this guy gets stuck in the middle of the intersection after the light turns red and now he’s blocking traffic in the other direction.
Appropriate Punishment: Since everyone in their cars is stuck, pedestrians need to pick up the slack here and give the Intersection Blocker a pressed ham until he can get his car out of the intersection.

The Offender: The Ambulance Pull-Over Place-Hopper
Setting the Scene: The rule is as such: after everyone pulls over for a passing ambulance, everyone resumes his place in traffic. The Place-Hopper uses this opportunity to dangerously try jumping ahead a few spots.
Appropriate Punishment: Since his NASCAR-style moves will have gained him two whole car lengths by the time you hit the next traffic light, you’ll see him again. Hop out of your car at the light and give him the ol’ banana in the tailpipe bit Axel Foley-style.

The Offender: The Too-Late Left Turn Signaler.
Setting the Scene: Bear with me on this one. You are on a busy four-lane (two in each direction) city street. Up ahead are stop lights. At the intersection, cars in the left lane may turn left or keep going straight and cars in the right lane may turn right or keep straight. There are ten cars in the right lane and only one car in the left lane. You want to go straight. The car in the left lane does not have on his blinker so he must be going straight too, right? You choose the left lane. The light turns green and NOW he decides to put the turn signal on. Meanwhile, you are watching the ten cars on your right whiz past and you don’t even get through the intersection.
Appropriate Punishment: When you are in this situation, grab whatever is available and expendable (spare change, empty beer can) and throw it hard at this guy’s rear window.

The Offender: The Two-Parking Space Taker-Upper
Appropriate Punishment: Dig your keys into the hood of his car and carve the lyrics of your favorite Michael Bolton song.

The Offender: The F.I.B.
Setting the Scene: The next time you see some maniac tail-gaiting, swerving in and out of lanes and going 90 on the Interstate, look at the plates. I guarantee you the guy is from Illinois.
Appropriate Punishment: The Preemptive Middle Finger. Just flip off all Illinois drivers the minute you see them. They are about to do something rude or dangerous any minute anyway. Giving them the bird now just saves time.

The Offender: The Bicyclist
Setting the Scene: A member of the spandex mafia is doing 15 mph in a 25 zone in the middle of the lane right in front of you. He demands equal respect and lane space yet he feels quite comfortable creeping at a snail’s pace and ignoring red lights.
Appropriate Punishment: Being a dumb outfit-wearing, self-righteous bicyclist is its own punishment. Either he is a radical environmentalist who is “thinking globally and acting locally” or an insufferable health nut. Just know that your sheer presence in an automobile galls him either way. Plus he stinks like sweat all day.

The Offender: The Well-Meaning Crosswalk Recognizer
Setting the Scene: You are standing at the crosswalk waiting for a chance to dart across a busy three-lane, one-way street. One motorist slams on his brakes and motions for you to cross. Meanwhile, every other car is zooming by. The Well-Meaning Crosswalk Recognizer gives you a puzzled look and is clearly wondering why you aren’t crossing when he is trying to let you.
Appropriate Punishment: This person wins points for trying to be nice and technically even obeying the letter of the law, but he loses points for his lack of awareness. He’s about to get rear-ended any second by the car behind him and that will be punishment enough.

Savvy Trousers readers (and first graders) will notice now that my list is finished yet I only delivered nine out of my promised ten. That is where you come in, dear reader. Submit your favorite driver pet peeve in the comments section. I’ll choose my favorite and it shall round out the top ten.

One of the true joys of working in a state legislative office is reading some of the mail constituents send in to try to get their family members out of jail. No matter what their relative did, it can\’t be bad enough to justify going to prison. Plus, the judge is obviously biased. And likely is a cross-dresser. And on and on it goes.

I remember getting a letter from a guy sitting in prison who had been sentenced for having sex with a nine-year old girl. In the letter, he tried to convice us that sexual assault of a minor shouldn\’t be a felony, because it was consensual. He said that with television and the internet these days, nine year old girls are more mature – that nine today is like eighteen a few years ago. I dropped the letter out of my hands and onto the floor, it was so repulsive. Of course, it immediately went into the office \”creepy constituent hall of fame.\” (When I find my scanned copy, I\’ll post it.)

Another office passed this gem on to me, in which a girl demands her brother be taken off the sex offender list immediately:

Well truth be told, I don\’t care WHAT these people think about how intelligent I am, I have something I need to say on behalf of myself, my mother, my family, my brother and all those men out there labeled Sex Offendrs that have lost their lives because when they were in high school motivated by sexual tension, peer pressure, emotional highs and the need to be accepted, they experimented with SEX… or rather, they experimented with Rape…

I am not blind to the fact that there are men out there doomed by their sickness to find children to prey on, but my brother is not one of them. My brother, has been in jail since he was 17 years old because his raging teenage hormones got the best of him and so did the state. He\’s being punished for being a teenager.

Got that? \”Experimenting with rape\” is just a part of \”being a teenager.\” Much in the way Osama bin Laden \”experimented with Jihad\” in high school. (I\’d love to see his high school yearbook, where his classmates picked him \”most likely to start a holy war.\”)

Of course, it\’s natural to want to try to help either yourself or family members. But that doesn\’t mean it\’s not repulsive for the rest of us who managed to avoid experimenting with rape in high school.

At some point, a reporter should start randomly calling offices to collect some of their favorite constituent letters. It would amaze the public to know the types of things people write to their legislators (teachers mentioning the legislator\’s school-aged children by name, for example) and the types of things they expect their elected officials to fix for them. (I remember one Assembly office being contacted by a woman who said she had termites in her home. When asked why she didn\’t call an exterminator, the woman said \”my termite problem is way too serious for an exterminator.\”)

These are the people that live among us. And their stories are all sitting there, in legislative office constituent files.

(Incidentally, if any staffers want to send me some of their best letters, I\’ll be happy to post them.)

UPDATE: The crazy constituent letters are rolling in. Click on the magnifying glass if they\’re hard to read. Here are two from a constituent named \”Vern:\”

Letter One
Letter Two

And here\’s one from \”Ed\” (the highlight of which is his CC: list)

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Page Two

For another gem, see this post above.

So last week I wrote my little post about going to the David Maraniss book signing. When I was there, I noticed that there was a WisconsinEye camera there (WisconsinEye is like the state C-Span, and apparently they cover author speeches and such).

Near the end of the Maraniss speech, I asked a question that I thought was pretty good. It even elicited a \”great question\” from him. I was excited to watch the video, to see if my question was a good one, or if I sound like a total dope.

I\’ve been checking it almost hourly for a week (which has probably doubled the traffic to their website), and noticed that they finally archived it. But here\’s the hitch…

The video plays clearly for nearly an hour. Then finally at the 59:20 mark, you can see Maraniss turn to me to recognize my question. THEN THE FREAKING SCREEN GOES BLACK. When it comes back on, you can see him answering my question! Those sons of bitches cut me out! I am the only edit made in the whole damn thing!

My one chance to be immortalized forever, lost on the editing floor. You can watch the video here, and be sure to fast forward to the part where WisconsinEye stabbed me in the heart. It\’s probably more entertaining than hearing my actual question.

I hereby challenge WisconsinEye to a fistfight.

Recently, a controversy has broken out in California over whether inmates should be provided free condoms, to reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Supporters of the program argue that prisons are becoming breeding grounds for disease, while opponents say that sex in prison shouldn\’t be encouraged. Only one state, Vermont, and five cities regularly hand out condoms to inmates.

This may surprise some people, but I\’m actually closer to siding with the pro-condom people than I am the program\’s opponents. One of my main objections to \”free condom\” programs in schools is that people who accept the freebies could just as easily have gone into a store and bought them. They have that option. (In college, you could go down to the clinic and get a pack of 50 free condoms – and they were industrial strength, about a half inch thick. You might as well be wearing a space suit. Mostly, we used the clinic for large amounts of free Robitussin, but that\’s another story.)

Yet in prison, I\’m not so sure that\’s the case. They can\’t just run down to Walgreens and pick up a box of rubbers. Maybe some prisoners can have a family member bake some condoms into a cake or something. Even if they were made available for sale within a prison, who is going to use what little money they have to buy them? You think a prisoner in for life is going to forego buying a pack of smokes for some condoms? We\’re not exactly talking about long-term thinkers here. While one inmate may not be getting out for the rest of his life, an inmate to which he gains entrance may be back out on the street in a year.

However, according to the AP story:

Prison officials contend that condoms can be used to conceal drugs, and law-and-order politicians scoff at what they depict as a step that would encourage both consensual and coercive sex.

\”Coercive sex.\” Is that what it\’s called? I can say with almost 100% certainty that without \”coercive sex,\” I wouldn\’t have two kids. Maybe it\’s more like \”nagging\” or \”begging\” sex.

Furthermore, whether or not the state \”encourages\” sex among inmates, it is happening. (I know this from the time I spent three years in the joint for plagiarizing passages of Judy Blume\’s \”Are You There, God? It\’s Me, Margaret\” in my Master\’s Thesis.) And it\’s not the state handing out condoms that is forcing these guys into having sex – it is more likely the thought that they will never see another live female birth canal.

I\’m not saying that I\’m 100% on board with this plan – naturally, I\’d normally be on the side of the anti-condom people. Certainly, there are questions as to whether a man who is willing to rape another man in prison is going to be responsible enough to use a condom. I just think there are some extenuating circumstances here that could be addressed. Even if a few more inmates are protected, we\’re all better off. Either taxpayers can pay for a box of condoms now, or treating an AIDS patient in prison later.

…to parents who send their kids to day care while they\’re sick. Due to your thoughtfulness, my son was throwing up on Friday, my daughter was throwing up on Saturday, and I was made to hug the toilet on Sunday and Monday.

Once your kids get sick, it\’s almost like a zombie movie – you know you\’ve been bitten by a zombie, so you just have to sit back and wait to turn into one. By Saturday night, I was resigned to my fate. And sure enough, I haven\’t been able to eat anything but a banana for three days. Fortunately, I was able to work my way through the entire first season of \”Friday Night Lights,\” which is a spectacular show.

(Cough…)

UPDATE: Today is my wife\’s turn to be sick. The germ is now an outstanding 4-for-4 in our family, making it the Ryan Braun of viruses.