Dear NBC Money,

Well it looks like the writers\’ strike is dragging on longer than expected. But the good news is that two of my favorites, Leno and Conan, are crossing the picket lines and coming back to film more shows. Since the late night funnymen won\’t have their union joke writers, you could use some scabs. I hereby offer the combined services of the gang here at the Trousers.

When I was six years old, I decided I had two goals in life – to make people laugh with the things I wrote (in crayon) and to do some union-busting. These two goals could be achieved in one fell swoop! But you don\’t care about my goals, you care about the bottom line. And God bless ya for that. So in the interest of you eventually paying me to write some ad revenue-generating monologues for you, here are some freebies:

\”So it\’s the Christmas season – everyone got their shopping done? (Pause for audience response.) I\’m buying everyone on my list DVDs of Al Gore\’s movie \”An Inconvenient Truth,\” you know the film about how the earth is getting too hot. At least I will be as soon as I can find a store that isn\’t buried in snow and ice. (Pause for uproarious laughter.)

And speaking of frigid, I see the Hillary Clinton campaign brain trust is crafting a plan to warm up her image of being a cold, calculating, insencere, political schemer. Nothing like a calculating, insencere scheme to prove you aren\’t a calculating, insencere political schemer. (Pause for more audience laughter/pants wetting.)\”

I could go on, but I\’ll need some financial incentive, see? Anyway, dig around in our Trousers and I\’m sure you\’ll find plenty to make you laugh.

Have your people call my people.

– Dr. S

For some reason, I felt the need to go Christmas shopping on Saturday night. Normally, this would be like saying, \”for some reason, I decided to pull the bones out of my legs and run a mile.\” But off I went in the snow, and here are a couple observations:

At Barnes and Noble, some 40-year old woman\’s cell phone went off, and the ringtone was not only deafening, but it was some ridiculous ghetto booty music. I sat there with my mouth agape while she clawed at her purse as if a kitten was suffocating inside. Finally, she got it turned off. Honest to God – these ridiculous ringtones should come with a warning – \”If you add this to your phone, SOMEONE MIGHT CALL YOU IN PUBLIC.\” She acted as if it was a total surprise that someone called her. Come to think of it, I am too.

When I got to the register at Barnes and Noble, they hit me up to donate to some charity for homeless kids or something. I knew this was coming, as I had heard the whole script delivered to the previous thirty customers in line. I know the whole purpose of harrassing people to give to this phony charity is to make people think Barnes and Noble cares about kids, but all it does is make the customers feel like total a-holes when they decline. Would you want all your customers walking out looking sullen, with their shoulders slumped?

As I got to the parking lot, I realized that I had no idea where I parked. I walked around for 15 minutes in the cold until I found my car. When I saw it, I realized I got a great spot way in the front, and gave myself a congratulatory fist-pump. Then it occurred to me that the whole purpose of having such a great spot was cancelled out by the 15 minutes I had been walking around.

I walked over to the mall and entered through Boston Store. Near the door, they have \”Green Bay Packers – 2007 NFC North Champions\” shirts. I wondered who would ever buy one of these shirts before the season is over. Think about it – let\’s say the Packers go on to win the Super Bowl. Then you\’re stuck with a shirt that celebrates the least of the Pack\’s accomplishments. Wouldn\’t you look kind of dopey wearing a shirt that said \”Packers – 1996 NFC Central Champions?\” Wouldn\’t people be like, \”uhhhh…. didn\’t they win the Super Bowl that year?\” Think people are going to get \”Mitt Romney – 2008 Iowa Caucus Winner\” t-shirts printed up?

I also get a kick out of cosmetics counters. All the employees back there are wearing white lab coats – as if they have Bunsen burners and lab rats back there. Like one day we\’re going to see a headline that says \”University of Wisconsin, Clinique Counter researchers team up on life-saving adult stem cell breakthrough.\”

And who are these women who sit there and have cosmetics applied to their face while hundreds of people walk by? Isn\’t that kind of a personal thing? Can any man imagine standing there while a Gillette salesman shaved him in public? On second thought – don\’t answer that. Same goes for these people who get massages at the mall. How is this possibly relaxing?

Finally, one more Christmas pet peeve of mine – those dopey commercials where some husband buys a Lexus for his wife and has it sitting in the driveway with a big bow on it when she gets home. Has this ever actually happened in the history of humanity?

There is no formula that can calculate the amount of trouble I would be in if I were to buy my wife a Lexus for Christmas. Let\’s just say her reaction would be less than ideal, and would likely involve bruising. Of course, nothing says \”I love you\” than committing your family to five years of crippling debt.

…as if you don\’t already:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPp9pEn62no&rel=1]

With today\’s release of the Mitchell report on steroid use in baseball, Brewer fans have to do a little soul searching. Eric Gagne, who the Brewers just signed to a one-year, $10 million contract, is named in the report, allegedly buying human growth hormone in 2004. It appears many Brewer fans are willing to exhibit a little \”moral flexibility\” with regard to their newest reliever.

At the very least, fans should question the wisdom of spending $10 million on a player whose reputation was forged primarily when he was alleged to have been on steroids. Gagne is a three-time all star who won the National League Cy Young award in 2003, and the Brewers had to know that he had steroids in his past. Even Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein knew when he traded for Gagne last year. In an e-mail to a scout, Epstein said, \”I know the Dodgers think he was a steroid guy,\” and the scout responded, \”Some digging on Gagne and steroids IS the issue… Mentality without the plus weapons and without steroid help probably creates a large risk in bounce back durability and ability to throw average while allowing the changeup to play as it once did . . . Personally, durability (or lack of) will follow Gagne . .\”

While every Brewer fan wants to see the team succeed, how can they back a cheater? If Gagne was still pitching for the Dodgers, would they be willing to cut him so much slack? Remember all the vitriol aimed at Barry Bonds in Milwaukee for eclipsing Hank Aaron\’s home run record? How is Gagne any different?

People who think the whole steroid controversy is overblown say that HGH wasn\’t banned by major league rules at the time, so it\’s no big deal that players were using them. In fact, it is actually a very big deal.

As pointed out by Mitchell, steroids have been banned by the league since the 1991 collective bargaining agreement. The problem is, the league didn\’t begin actually testing for them until 2003. For that, the league and the union are both to blame. Furthermore, there still isn\’t a test for HGH, so players could still be using it undetected now. And it has always been a violation of federal law to obtain HGH without a prescription.

To say that the players shouldn\’t be punished because the league wasn\’t testing for HGH at the time is ridiculous. First of all, they were cheating. Second of all, they were violating federal law. Thirdly, they made a mockery of the record books, which is the one thread that connects generations of baseball fans.

So should Gagne be given amnesty for his steroid use?

Of course not. Just because something isn\’t in the baseball rule book (even though obtaining any prescription medication without a prescription was), doesn\’t mean it shouldn\’t be a punishable offense. If a player murdered someone, should it have to be in the league\’s rules to suspend them? (I am not equating murder and HGH use, incidentally – although HGH is even worse, in a way, because it affects the integrity of the game).

Additionally, there\’s no rule that says Bud Selig can only punish players who violated something specifically proscribed by major league rules. Selig can do whatever he wants, pursuant to the \”best interests of baseball\” clause in the league rules. Is there really any question that punishing cheaters who have erased the league\’s history is in the game\’s best interest? Should the fact that Gagne owns a Cy Young award that may have been won by someone else be left to stand?

There are those that will say Gagne\’s steroid use took place years ago, so there\’s no need to punish him now. Actually, we don\’t know that Gagne stopped using steroids years ago, since he was allegedly using a substance for which there is no test. But think about someone who robs a bank – the criminal justice system doesn\’t just order the bank robber to repay what he stole and call it all square. There are penalties for bad judgement and bad behavior – both of which Gagne displayed in his apparent receipt of steroids.

I recall being bewildered by San Francisco Giants fans who stood by Barry Bonds just because he was \”their guy.\” It makes no sense to judge a player\’s character by the uniform he happens to wear. It would then be the height of hypocrisy to now cheer for Gagne – a bad guy on a team I love.

Currently, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel is running a poll of whether people care if Gagne used steroids, as long as he helps the team. The fact that the poll is running at a dead-even 50% to 50% split is dispiriting. It shows that there are too many people to make moral concessions based on their own rooting interest. And that is a shame.

While there\’s no question this report is an attempt by Bud Selig to cover his own tail during the Steroid Era, it doesn\’t mean that the players named in the report don\’t deserve to be punished.

Some other thoughts:

There\’s no question that the names of the players on the list are just the tip of the iceberg. Essentially, it\’s a list of players who were dumb enough to buy steroids with a personal check. But criticizing these players only because they have been identified doesn\’t make it unfair because some will go unpunished. If they did it, they did it – the fact that some are going to get away with it is completely irrelevant.

If ESPN was do die-hard about getting to the bottom of the steroid story, they could have looked down the desk at Baseball Tonight and asked Fernando Vina. As a commenter on Deadspin.com said, \”Fernando Vina does not surprise me. You don\’t maintain that perfect a goatee without performance enhancers.\”

The only people I marginally feel bad for are the players on the list who essentially were life-long minor league players. The message: these guys sucked so bad, they couldn\’t make the majors even by cheating.

The argument that you\’ll hear players use that they never tested positive is completely fraudulent. Marion Jones used that argument. She\’s headed for prison.

If anyone in the report is wrongfully accused, they can feel free to sue major league baseball. Of course, doing so will open their past up to all kinds of discovery. So don\’t expect that to happen any time soon.

I\’m also tired of people portraying steroid use as some kind of \”victimless\” crime. The only difference between steroids and a bank robbery is that players use needles instead of guns to steal statistics they didn\’t deserve. In a lot of cases, these players made millions of dollars they shouldn\’t have – and it\’s not like they\’re going to be giving it back after these allegations.

Imagine if your boss found out someone in your office had been stealing money, but didn\’t know who it was. Immediately, everyone in your workplace was under a cloud of suspicion. And the boss announces that because of all the money that went missing, nobody would be getting raises next year. Would you think that would be okay? Of course not. But that\’s exactly what steroid users have done to baseball – they\’ve stolen money they didn\’t deserve (money that the fans pay in ticket prices, FYI), and they\’ve put everyone under a cloud of suspicion.

ESPN is reporting that Roger Clemens will be named in the Mitchell Steroid Report. I believe I had that one. From May 7th of this year:

Incidentally, one more note on the Rocket – in the steroid era, when something happens that nobody has ever seen before, it\’s impossible to believe it. We may never know what substances Clemens was taking (there\’s no test for human growth hormone), but it\’s awfully coincidental that a 45 year old can go out and throw 95 miles per hour – something completely unheard of before he did it. And if someone ever documents his cheating? I\’ll have just as much vitriol for Clemens as I do Bonds.

The \”mainstream media\” takes a lot of heat for sloppy reporting, but in this case, it is warranted:

In the times in which we live, we need more positive messages to keep us inspired. This is especially so during the holidays, where people of all nationalities, colors and creeds should set aside their differences and embrace the common bond of humanity.

Such a soul-warming holiday message is found in the following clip, where 9th grader Angel reminds us of one the most simple rules a civil society should promote: \”Don\’t Hate.\”

Well put, Angel. And may God bless you during this holiday season, too.

UW-Milwaukee Student and Frontpage Milwaukee writer Rebecca Kontowicz asked me to be a guest on her radio show class project. She apparently is under the mistaken impression that I am someone important. Always wanting to help the youth of today, I agreed. You can listen here.

While presidential candidates continue their banal debates about things of no consequence, we here at \”The Trousers\” have decided to institute a new \”Point-Counterpoint\” feature to debate the things that really matter.

The other day, Dr. Emil Shuffhausen and I were walking down State Street, when I posited one of my more controversial, and previously unstated, theories. I told him that I thought the bun constituted about 80% of the taste of a hot dog. He immediately gave me the stink eye, and accused me of only saying that to be unnecessarily provocative.

The challenge thus being issued, we decided to take this debate public. We figured this was more constructive than settling things by taking turns slapping each other in the face with our gloves. Here is my buttal, followed by the Doctor\’s rebuttal. Any doctoral student looking to use this topic for their dissertation must first get permission from the authors.

PRO: \”The importance of the bun is often understated\”

By Chris Schneider

Who among us can resist a nice warm, steamed, poppy-seed bun? The answer? Nobody.

The bun is really the basis from which the rest of the hot dog derives its taste. Think about it – you can take an average tasting dog and put it in a great bun, and suddenly you have a delicious frankfurter. Conversely, if you have a delicious hot dog wrapped in a crusty, dry bun, it ruins it completely. Your lips just can\’t get over being presented with such an inhospitable first impression.

As you can see, Dr. Shuffhausen is a hot dog novice, as evidenced by his contention that the bun only serves to protect one\’s hands from \”mustard and ketchup.\” Any tube steak veteran will tell you that ketchup has no place near a hot dog, nor in any discussion thereof. To quote the Beastie Boys, his arguments are \”cheaper than a hot dog with no mustard.\” Being lectured on hot dogs by such a novice is like being lectured on political correctness by Michael Richards.

Furthermore, Dr. Shuffhausen\’s position has been bought and sold by \”Big Wiener.\” He clearly no longer represents the middle class taste buds of Wisconsin. His license to practice medicine should be immediately revoked.

I realize that taking this position (as well as my lack of a law degree) might very well hamper my chances of one day being a U.S. Supreme Court justice. But it needed to be said.

Vote bun \’08.

CON: \”No F***ing Way\”

By Dr. Emil Shuffausen (of the Shuffhausen clinic in Vienna)

While I readily concede that the hot dog bun is rich in bunly goodness, my counterpoint is the exact opposite position of Mr. Schneider\’s. I submit that the taste importance ratio of a hot dog is 80:20 processed meat emulsion to bread.

While I know Mr. Schneider will just accuse me of being corrupt, the evidence supporting my position is, frankly (guffaw), overwhelming. In fact, I was willing to go face to face with Big Weiner – and who has the guts to do that?

The bun is the comparatively tasteless delivery vehicle that transports its more flavorful passenger to one\’s mouth without getting one\’s hands full of mustard and ketchup. (The \”meat between bread\” food delivery method was of course invented by John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. Coincidentally, one of John Montagu\’s contemporaries, Albert Autumnbottom, 3rd Earl of Doritos, brought us the nacho cheese-flavored snack that so perfectly accompanies a sandwich.)

In a pinch, any old folded piece of bread can substitute for a bun. When eating a hot dog, can you tell the difference between a Brownberry hot dog bun and a Gardners hot dog bun? Me neither. However, suggesting that there is no difference between a Usinger\’s, a Klement\’s or and Oscar Mayer dog is liable to incite a fistfight in some parts of the state.

Finally, when legendary competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi squared off against the bear in the ultimate contest between man and beast, buns were not even on the table.

Case closed.

UPDATE: As a counter-rebuttal, Dr. Shuffhausen pointed out today that I am \”firmly wedged inbetween the grasp of big buns.\”

Also, my wife and I went to a movie last night to celebrate her birthday. As we walked into Hilldale Mall, I was explaining to her my hot dog theory (she firmly sides with Shuffhausen). We passed a woman walking with her kids who obviously overheard my explanation. As we got about 30 feet away, the woman turned and yelled \”HE\’S RIGHT – IT\’S ALL ABOUT THE BUN!\” I immediately declared victory and took a lap around University Bookstore, high-fiving the employees.

A note to that wonderful woman – Dr. Shuffhausen has vowed to track you down at your home to provide a personal rebuttal.

The other night, I watched Robert Rodriguez\’ movie \”Planet Terror.\” The best part of the film happened to be a fake trailer for the phony movie \”Machete\” that runs at the very beginning of the main feature.

The hypothetical plot goes something like this, as far as I can tell: An illegal immigrant is hired to kill an anti-illegal immigration senator, only to find out he was framed – so that the senator can make immigrants look bad by pointing to the fact that one tried to kill him. \”Machete\” then goes on a rampage of revenge, which leads to a lot of bloodshed and some classic tag lines.

Should this movie ever actually be made, the chances of me going to see it are exactly 100%.

Here\’s the trailer – and be warned, it is most certainly not safe for work. But it is hilarious.