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Christian Schneider

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Rulez of the Road

November 27, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Hello Everyone,

I know it\’s been awhile since I last rapped at ya, but it\’s been terribly busy lately at the Shuffhausen Clinic in Vienna. Between work and Thanksgiving travel, I’ve had plenty of time recently to ruminate about things other motorists do that make me wish I had a hood-mounted cannon on the ol’ Shuffhausenmobile. In the interest of beating the Top Ten motif to death, here is my list of the ten most obnoxious people you see on the road and how they should be punished. As a handy reference, you may wish to just paste a copy of following post on your dashboard.

The Offender: The “Thank You” Wave Forgetter
Setting the Scene: You are leaving a packed parking lot after a sporting event and cars are funneling down into the one main lane out. Being the polite person that you are, you allow someone to jump in line in front of you. The problem is he doesn’t acknowledge your good deed with a wave, smile or even a head nod. This is incredibly poor form.
Appropriate Punishment: Since the ingrate is now right in front of you, turn your brights on and keep them on until you are out of the parking lot.

The Offender: The “Lane Closed Ahead” Sign Ignorer
Setting the Scene: Since his time is much more important than everyone else’s, this guy thinks it\’s OK for him to skip ahead of 40 other cars who actually obeyed the sign and moved over. Sadly, someone ALWAYS lets this boor in.
Appropriate Punishment: Under no circumstances should this motorist be allowed to cut in. You must ram this offender into the rail when he tries making his move into the line. If I ran the world, the cost to repair any damage your car incurred while nudging Lane-Closed-Ahead-Sign-Ignorers off the road would be paid out of their insurance. Plus you would be given a $500 reward for your service to humanity.

The Offender: The Intersection Blocker
Setting the Scene: It’s bumper to bumper traffic with cars just creeping through green lights. Instead of waiting to make sure he can get all the way through, this guy gets stuck in the middle of the intersection after the light turns red and now he’s blocking traffic in the other direction.
Appropriate Punishment: Since everyone in their cars is stuck, pedestrians need to pick up the slack here and give the Intersection Blocker a pressed ham until he can get his car out of the intersection.

The Offender: The Ambulance Pull-Over Place-Hopper
Setting the Scene: The rule is as such: after everyone pulls over for a passing ambulance, everyone resumes his place in traffic. The Place-Hopper uses this opportunity to dangerously try jumping ahead a few spots.
Appropriate Punishment: Since his NASCAR-style moves will have gained him two whole car lengths by the time you hit the next traffic light, you’ll see him again. Hop out of your car at the light and give him the ol’ banana in the tailpipe bit Axel Foley-style.

The Offender: The Too-Late Left Turn Signaler.
Setting the Scene: Bear with me on this one. You are on a busy four-lane (two in each direction) city street. Up ahead are stop lights. At the intersection, cars in the left lane may turn left or keep going straight and cars in the right lane may turn right or keep straight. There are ten cars in the right lane and only one car in the left lane. You want to go straight. The car in the left lane does not have on his blinker so he must be going straight too, right? You choose the left lane. The light turns green and NOW he decides to put the turn signal on. Meanwhile, you are watching the ten cars on your right whiz past and you don’t even get through the intersection.
Appropriate Punishment: When you are in this situation, grab whatever is available and expendable (spare change, empty beer can) and throw it hard at this guy’s rear window.

The Offender: The Two-Parking Space Taker-Upper
Appropriate Punishment: Dig your keys into the hood of his car and carve the lyrics of your favorite Michael Bolton song.

The Offender: The F.I.B.
Setting the Scene: The next time you see some maniac tail-gaiting, swerving in and out of lanes and going 90 on the Interstate, look at the plates. I guarantee you the guy is from Illinois.
Appropriate Punishment: The Preemptive Middle Finger. Just flip off all Illinois drivers the minute you see them. They are about to do something rude or dangerous any minute anyway. Giving them the bird now just saves time.

The Offender: The Bicyclist
Setting the Scene: A member of the spandex mafia is doing 15 mph in a 25 zone in the middle of the lane right in front of you. He demands equal respect and lane space yet he feels quite comfortable creeping at a snail’s pace and ignoring red lights.
Appropriate Punishment: Being a dumb outfit-wearing, self-righteous bicyclist is its own punishment. Either he is a radical environmentalist who is “thinking globally and acting locally” or an insufferable health nut. Just know that your sheer presence in an automobile galls him either way. Plus he stinks like sweat all day.

The Offender: The Well-Meaning Crosswalk Recognizer
Setting the Scene: You are standing at the crosswalk waiting for a chance to dart across a busy three-lane, one-way street. One motorist slams on his brakes and motions for you to cross. Meanwhile, every other car is zooming by. The Well-Meaning Crosswalk Recognizer gives you a puzzled look and is clearly wondering why you aren’t crossing when he is trying to let you.
Appropriate Punishment: This person wins points for trying to be nice and technically even obeying the letter of the law, but he loses points for his lack of awareness. He’s about to get rear-ended any second by the car behind him and that will be punishment enough.

Savvy Trousers readers (and first graders) will notice now that my list is finished yet I only delivered nine out of my promised ten. That is where you come in, dear reader. Submit your favorite driver pet peeve in the comments section. I’ll choose my favorite and it shall round out the top ten.

Your Friends and Neighbors

November 26, 2007 / / 0 Comments

One of the true joys of working in a state legislative office is reading some of the mail constituents send in to try to get their family members out of jail. No matter what their relative did, it can\’t be bad enough to justify going to prison. Plus, the judge is obviously biased. And likely is a cross-dresser. And on and on it goes.

I remember getting a letter from a guy sitting in prison who had been sentenced for having sex with a nine-year old girl. In the letter, he tried to convice us that sexual assault of a minor shouldn\’t be a felony, because it was consensual. He said that with television and the internet these days, nine year old girls are more mature – that nine today is like eighteen a few years ago. I dropped the letter out of my hands and onto the floor, it was so repulsive. Of course, it immediately went into the office \”creepy constituent hall of fame.\” (When I find my scanned copy, I\’ll post it.)

Another office passed this gem on to me, in which a girl demands her brother be taken off the sex offender list immediately:

Well truth be told, I don\’t care WHAT these people think about how intelligent I am, I have something I need to say on behalf of myself, my mother, my family, my brother and all those men out there labeled Sex Offendrs that have lost their lives because when they were in high school motivated by sexual tension, peer pressure, emotional highs and the need to be accepted, they experimented with SEX… or rather, they experimented with Rape…

I am not blind to the fact that there are men out there doomed by their sickness to find children to prey on, but my brother is not one of them. My brother, has been in jail since he was 17 years old because his raging teenage hormones got the best of him and so did the state. He\’s being punished for being a teenager.

Got that? \”Experimenting with rape\” is just a part of \”being a teenager.\” Much in the way Osama bin Laden \”experimented with Jihad\” in high school. (I\’d love to see his high school yearbook, where his classmates picked him \”most likely to start a holy war.\”)

Of course, it\’s natural to want to try to help either yourself or family members. But that doesn\’t mean it\’s not repulsive for the rest of us who managed to avoid experimenting with rape in high school.

At some point, a reporter should start randomly calling offices to collect some of their favorite constituent letters. It would amaze the public to know the types of things people write to their legislators (teachers mentioning the legislator\’s school-aged children by name, for example) and the types of things they expect their elected officials to fix for them. (I remember one Assembly office being contacted by a woman who said she had termites in her home. When asked why she didn\’t call an exterminator, the woman said \”my termite problem is way too serious for an exterminator.\”)

These are the people that live among us. And their stories are all sitting there, in legislative office constituent files.

(Incidentally, if any staffers want to send me some of their best letters, I\’ll be happy to post them.)

UPDATE: The crazy constituent letters are rolling in. Click on the magnifying glass if they\’re hard to read. Here are two from a constituent named \”Vern:\”

Letter One
Letter Two

And here\’s one from \”Ed\” (the highlight of which is his CC: list)

Page One
Page Two

For another gem, see this post above.

Me and WisconsinEye Are Going to Fight

November 25, 2007 / / 0 Comments

So last week I wrote my little post about going to the David Maraniss book signing. When I was there, I noticed that there was a WisconsinEye camera there (WisconsinEye is like the state C-Span, and apparently they cover author speeches and such).

Near the end of the Maraniss speech, I asked a question that I thought was pretty good. It even elicited a \”great question\” from him. I was excited to watch the video, to see if my question was a good one, or if I sound like a total dope.

I\’ve been checking it almost hourly for a week (which has probably doubled the traffic to their website), and noticed that they finally archived it. But here\’s the hitch…

The video plays clearly for nearly an hour. Then finally at the 59:20 mark, you can see Maraniss turn to me to recognize my question. THEN THE FREAKING SCREEN GOES BLACK. When it comes back on, you can see him answering my question! Those sons of bitches cut me out! I am the only edit made in the whole damn thing!

My one chance to be immortalized forever, lost on the editing floor. You can watch the video here, and be sure to fast forward to the part where WisconsinEye stabbed me in the heart. It\’s probably more entertaining than hearing my actual question.

I hereby challenge WisconsinEye to a fistfight.

Ribbed, For His Pleasure

November 20, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Recently, a controversy has broken out in California over whether inmates should be provided free condoms, to reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Supporters of the program argue that prisons are becoming breeding grounds for disease, while opponents say that sex in prison shouldn\’t be encouraged. Only one state, Vermont, and five cities regularly hand out condoms to inmates.

This may surprise some people, but I\’m actually closer to siding with the pro-condom people than I am the program\’s opponents. One of my main objections to \”free condom\” programs in schools is that people who accept the freebies could just as easily have gone into a store and bought them. They have that option. (In college, you could go down to the clinic and get a pack of 50 free condoms – and they were industrial strength, about a half inch thick. You might as well be wearing a space suit. Mostly, we used the clinic for large amounts of free Robitussin, but that\’s another story.)

Yet in prison, I\’m not so sure that\’s the case. They can\’t just run down to Walgreens and pick up a box of rubbers. Maybe some prisoners can have a family member bake some condoms into a cake or something. Even if they were made available for sale within a prison, who is going to use what little money they have to buy them? You think a prisoner in for life is going to forego buying a pack of smokes for some condoms? We\’re not exactly talking about long-term thinkers here. While one inmate may not be getting out for the rest of his life, an inmate to which he gains entrance may be back out on the street in a year.

However, according to the AP story:

Prison officials contend that condoms can be used to conceal drugs, and law-and-order politicians scoff at what they depict as a step that would encourage both consensual and coercive sex.

\”Coercive sex.\” Is that what it\’s called? I can say with almost 100% certainty that without \”coercive sex,\” I wouldn\’t have two kids. Maybe it\’s more like \”nagging\” or \”begging\” sex.

Furthermore, whether or not the state \”encourages\” sex among inmates, it is happening. (I know this from the time I spent three years in the joint for plagiarizing passages of Judy Blume\’s \”Are You There, God? It\’s Me, Margaret\” in my Master\’s Thesis.) And it\’s not the state handing out condoms that is forcing these guys into having sex – it is more likely the thought that they will never see another live female birth canal.

I\’m not saying that I\’m 100% on board with this plan – naturally, I\’d normally be on the side of the anti-condom people. Certainly, there are questions as to whether a man who is willing to rape another man in prison is going to be responsible enough to use a condom. I just think there are some extenuating circumstances here that could be addressed. Even if a few more inmates are protected, we\’re all better off. Either taxpayers can pay for a box of condoms now, or treating an AIDS patient in prison later.

A Special Thanks…

November 20, 2007 / / 0 Comments

…to parents who send their kids to day care while they\’re sick. Due to your thoughtfulness, my son was throwing up on Friday, my daughter was throwing up on Saturday, and I was made to hug the toilet on Sunday and Monday.

Once your kids get sick, it\’s almost like a zombie movie – you know you\’ve been bitten by a zombie, so you just have to sit back and wait to turn into one. By Saturday night, I was resigned to my fate. And sure enough, I haven\’t been able to eat anything but a banana for three days. Fortunately, I was able to work my way through the entire first season of \”Friday Night Lights,\” which is a spectacular show.

(Cough…)

UPDATE: Today is my wife\’s turn to be sick. The germ is now an outstanding 4-for-4 in our family, making it the Ryan Braun of viruses.

The Doctor is Dead to Me

November 16, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Those of you who follow this blog pretty regularly know that I\’ve been at this blogging thing for a while now. For three years, I\’ve stayed up late, slaving away on hundreds of posts. Some of them I happened to think were pretty good. Some of them got some local recognition (of which I am always appreciative).

With a couple of big work projects coming up, I decided to pass posting duties off to a couple friends who I knew had some good ideas. Naturally, the first post by Dr. Emil Shuffhausen immediately hit the national blogs, courtesy of Tom McMahon. As of Friday afternoon, the post had been featured on The Conservative Grapevine and The Corner at National Review.

So, in about 3 hours, Dr. Shuffhausen got about the same number of readers that I get in three months. The total is at 6,000 hits and counting. Therefore, I now officially hate him and and I hate his ass face.

Morrissey has a song called \”We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful.\” I may spend the rest of the day listening to it, assuming I can hear it with my head in the oven. I\’ll keep telling myself not to be bitter – all the way until my car is underwater in Lake Mendota.

Estrogen Level Raised to Red

November 16, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Anyone with a Y chromosome would be well advised to steer clear of the Alliant Energy Center in Madison this weekend, as the Madison Women\’s Expo rolls into town.

One of the featured speakers at the event is Jenny McCarthy, who most people know rose to celebrity as a Playboy playmate. Nothing says \”woman power\” more than showing off your great wax job to teenage boys. Furthermore, there are these nuggets on her resume:

  • A sketch on her MTV show centered on her character, a well-coifed business woman, answering the question of \”What did you have for lunch?\” by forcing herself to vomit all over a table (which she then ate on-screen). The direct contrast of McCarthy\’s reputation as a sex symbol and this often grotesque humor is closely associated with her image. This image was taken to a new extreme in her film Dirty Love, which featured McCarthy\’s character sitting in a massive pool of her own menstrual blood.[10]
  • In a February 2006 interview with Howard Stern, adult actress Jenna Jameson said she had two sexual encounters with McCarthy.[11] When McCarthy visited Stern\’s show in April 2006, she denied having sex with Jameson, but said she \”made out\” with her during the two encounters.

Funny – her official Expo bio doesn\’t mention any of this.

Apparently, McCarthy will be talking about her new book about having a child with autism. Let\’s hope her book does some good for kids – although it probably has a lot to do with getting her reputation back.

David Maraniss at Sequoya Library

November 16, 2007 / / 0 Comments

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I went to see Pulitzer-prize winning author David Maraniss at the Sequoya public library tonight. Even got a couple books signed. Naturally, I was the youngest person there by 30 years.

Above is a picture of me telling him about how I bought my Dad his \”When Pride Still Mattered\” book about Vince Lombardi for Christmas – then received the very same book back from my Dad the next Christmas. He had actually forgotten I gave it to him in the first place. It\’s one thing to \”re-gift.\” It\’s entirely another to give the gift back to the same person that gave it to you. Anyway.

Madison is infinitely lucky to have ties with such a talented writer. I\’ve read several of his books, and he is widely considered to be in the upper echelon of American non-fiction authors. The detail he provides in his books is a wonder to behold – the only way he can rationalize such thorough research is that he\’s completely crazy. But we are all richer as a result.

During his presentation, he answered a good audience question with an interesting point that I hadn\’t really considered. He mentioned how difficult it will be to do research in the future, given the lack of a paper trail left by electronic communications. He mentioned looking at over 40 letters written by Bill Clinton to his grandmother during his college years, and how invaluable they were to his understanding of Clinton during those years. Today, that communication would most likely be done via e-mail, and not readily accessible.

On the one hand, that may be true – but there are plenty of benefits to the internet age, as well. Documents often can be found with the click of a button – and nothing ever goes away completely. In fact, I\’ll be saddled with the crap I\’ve written for the entirety of my adult life. That and my unibrow.

I actually asked a question during the Q&A period. It was about how much detail he uses when he describes a certain battle in \”They Marched Into Sunlight,\” a book about the competing interests in the Vietnam War – part of which is set in Madison. I couldn\’t believe that many of the soldiers there recalled the battle in such vivid detail, and wanted to know how he got them not only to remember, but talk about it to him. He said he relied on documents created right after the battle and on interviews. Honestly, I don\’t remember much because I was nervous and my hands were sweating a lot.

The whole event was a fundraiser for the new Sequoya library, being built at the corner of Midvale and Tokay on the near west side. So give them money and stuff – asking them to raise private money is a good thing for taxpayers, but it means individuals have to step up and give.

A WisconsinEye camera was there, so I\’ll post a link to the video when they make it available. Then you can hear my dopey question.

Frankenstein Meets Godwin’s Law

November 15, 2007 / / 2 Comments

Today’s Capital Times features an editorial from Madison attorney Fred Wade, a long time proponent of moving Wisconsin to an “item” veto.  Currently, Wisconsin has a “partial” veto, which allows governors to take individual words from sentences and “stitch” them together to form sentences (and thus new laws) which the legislature never intended.  Hence,  the practice has been termed the “Frankenstein Veto.”

Wade would rather see an item veto, which would require governors to veto an entire “item” from an appropriation bill.  In other words, a governor would have to approve or deny an entire section or concept, rather than having the ability to eliminate words or write down appropriations.  Wade correctly points out that the current situation is an affront to the “separation of powers” concept.

What’s curious, however, is that Wade thinks the legislature should reject the current constitutional amendment because it doesn’t go far enough in correcting the problem.  Keep in mind that constitutional amendments must pass two consecutive legislatures and be approved by the voters.  Voting this amendment down would set the process back four years.  So while  this amendment solves a significant problem, Wade apparently thinks bad government should go on unabated until he gets everything that he wants.

Instead of urging failure of an amendment that moves the constitution much closer to his preference, Wade could simply begin lobbying for improvements following passage.  It is true that governors would still be able to veto certain words from within sentences to change the sentence’s meaning.  He should go on pointing that out.  But it’s crazy to say that we should start from scratch, which would leave us with the current system.  Who knows if the legislature will ever get this close to agreement on this issue again.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Wade throws in a reference to Nazis, to boot.  He says:

In contrast, Adolf Hitler was frank when he wrote in “Mein Kampf” that the executive ought to “possess the authority and right to command” and that the Legislature ought to be reduced to “an advisory, but never a determining voice.”

In the final analysis, the “Frankenstein veto” is another chapter in the struggle between freedom, democracy and representative self-government on one side, and the alternative of one-man rule that was embodied in the divine right of kings, the “democratic centralism” of the Stalin era, and the “fuhrer principle” of Adolf Hitler.

So, apparently, if you support the current incarnation of the veto amendment, you also support Hitler’s “fuhrer principle.”

In the 1990s, the term “Godwin’s Law” was coined.  It refers to the concept that the longer an argument goes on, the probability that someone will be compared to Hitler or called a Nazi increases exponentially. This is an almost unfailing occurence on internet message boards, where semi-literate interlocutors reach for the most offensive accusation to make without really having to consider what they’re actually saying. (Otherwise known as reductio ad Hitlerum.)

Many in the internet community have adopted a simple maxim: First to call someone a Nazi loses the argument.  In this case, that is perfectly appropriate.  If Wade wants to argue that the state would be better off for four more years without any constitutional change to the governor’s veto authority, he is welcome to do so.  But invoking the Fuhrer in doing so is beneath him, and only serves to undermine his argument and personal reputation.

SIDE NOTE: If Wade thinks the legislature would go along with a full “item” veto, he’s kidding himself. Democrats had to be dragged kicking and screaming to agree to this minor check on Governor Doyle’s power.  Taking away more of his authority would be inconceivable.  Even with this change, Doyle would retain the most powerful veto pen in the nation – a point not lost on legislative Democrats.

The Magic of YouTube

November 13, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Yesterday, I posted the YouTube clip of my TV appearance from last week. As avid YouTubers know, when you finish watching a video, it provides some links to \”related videos.\”

Here is one of the videos that is somehow \”related\” to mine. Please enjoy \”Sexy Cats\” by \”Cutewithchris.\”

Here and Now: Protecting Our Workplaces

November 11, 2007 / / 0 Comments

Here\’s my Here and Now commentary for this week. It discusses the Wisconsin Fair Employment Act, which prevents employers from considering arrest or conviction record when making hiring or firing decisions. I could go on for hours on this topic, but I only get 90 seconds.

As a side note, I have to give a lot of credit to the folks at Wisconsin Public Television – they have never prevented me from saying anything I wanted on the air. Every now and then, they\’ll make a suggestion with regard to clarity, but they\’ve never edited content – even when it\’s clear that they think they\’re putting a lunatic on the air.

I know public broadcasting takes a beating from conservatives, but I can say that in my experience, the people at WPT have been a joy to work with. And the fact that they give me the occasional outlet to speak my mind shows that at least on the state level, they are looking for some kind of ideological balance.

Even Better Than The Real Thing

November 10, 2007 / / 0 Comments

The folks at College Humor have created the \”unaired\” 1994 pilot for 24.

It\’s meant to be a parody, I\’m sure, but it\’s actually better than any 3 minute segment in the last two seasons of 24. Enjoy.

Quiet! Genius At Work In Minnesota

November 9, 2007 / / 0 Comments

There’s stupid.

There’s Love Boat stupid.

And then there’s this.

It’s not like the Minnesota Vikings organization doesn’t have enough strikes against it already – terrible weather, an awful stadium, a clueless head coach. But now they’re the team that fines you for going to your grandmother’s funeral.

I’m sure that will be a big part of their sales pitch to free agents in the offseason:

\”It\’s 45 below here, we play on concrete floors under a huge trash bag ceiling, our coach has more mustache than brain and we\’ve shut down our employee sex boat daytrip program. Oh, and if someone in your family dies don\’t even think about paying your respects or it will cost you a game check. So would you like to sign with us for five years or six?\”

Karmic justice demands the Packers win on Sunday by at least 3 touchdowns.

SATURDAY UPDATE: The awesome power of Atomic Trousers strikes again. The Vikings are giving Troy Williamson back his game check.

Al Bundy Retires To Miami

November 8, 2007 / / 0 Comments

One of the most annoying annual traditions in the National Football League generally takes place in South Florida some time in October or November and involves a bunch of old men and several bottles of champagne.

No, it’s not an AARP special at the Doll House in Ft. Lauderdale, it’s the fawning media coverage given to members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins when the last undefeated team in the NFL loses its first game of the year.

The 1972 Dolphins are the only undefeated championship team in the modern era of the NFL, capping off a 17-0 season with a win in Super Bowl VII. Each year when the last undefeated team in the NFL falls, members of that team celebrate and get their 15 annual minutes of fame when TV crews cover the “story” of a bunch of old guys drinking champagne. Hooray.

Many think the 9-0 New England Patriots represent the best chance since 1972 for a perfect season. They won their first eight games in decisive fashion, scoring more than 34 points in each contest and outscoring their opponents by an average of more than 26 points a game. They won their ninth game last Sunday with a fourth-quarter comeback on the road against the undefeated defending Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts.

Perhaps feeling his legacy and his record threatened, Don Shula – the coach of the 1972 Dolphins – made news this week by saying that if New England runs the table, history should mark their accomplishment (which, with a Super Bowl title would be a 19-0 season) with an asterisk because New England head coach Bill Belichick was busted earlier this season violating NFL rules prohibiting teams from videotaping opposing coaches giving signals.

I have but one thing to say to Mr. Shula: “Shut up and go away, Al Bundy.”

Shula and his fellow 1972 Dolphins are guilty of the oldest and saddest failing of former athletes – refusing to leave gracefully. (Note: this does not apply to former Dallas Cowboys, whose oldest and saddest failing is getting caught with 213 pounds of pot in their car).

Did New England’s coach cheat? Yes.

Did he get caught? Yes.

Did he get punished? Yes. (The NFL fined Belichick $500,000 and stripped the Patriots of their first-round pick in the 2008 draft).

Do Belichick’s actions have any impact whatsoever on what his players have been doing each week on the field? Hell no.

All Shula has done with his recent comments is reveal himself to be the saddest sort of sports legends – the kind who won’t let go. Like Al Bundy getting himself through the day by flashing back to his high school glory on the gridiron, Don Shula obviously lives for that day each fall when he gets to wax poetic about his 1972 title and bask in the glow of a few more minutes of sports relevance.

Needless to say, I am rooting for the Patriots to complete a perfect season, if for no other reason than to get Al Bundy and the rest of 1972 Dolphins off my TV for good.

But perhaps Shula’s desperation to stay in the spotlight is understandable. After all, it was the Belichick-led Patriots who broke the 1972-1973 Dolphins’ record of 18 consecutive wins when they won 21 straight games in 2003-2004 and the Dolphins organization Shula once led has become the laughingstock of the NFL.

Miami is currently winless at 0-8, starts some guy named Cleo at quarterback and many of the same experts who think New England has a chance to go undefeated this year believe Miami could make history of their own by losing their last eight games and finishing the year winless.

One of those last eight games will be a trip to Foxboro, Massachusetts to play the New England Patriots. Yes, the same Patriots their legendary former coach ticked off by suggesting the use of a typographical symbol to preserve his own personal place in history. As a result, what was likely going to be a run-of-the-mill 45-3 Patriots rout could well rival the historic 73-0 beating the Chicago Bears put on the Washington Redskins in the 1940 NFL title game. Thanks, Coach!

In addition to a perfect season for New England, I’m also rooting for a perfect season for Miami – 0-16.

The last NFL team to go an entire season without a win was the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. (Ironically, for my purposes, the closest they came to a win that year was a 23-20 loss to the Don Shula-coached Dolphins). Maybe someone will send a TV crew to film members of that Tampa team popping open the bubbly in celebration if Miami succeeds in supplanting them as the worst team in NFL history. And maybe someone will ask Don Shula to comment – we know he loves seeing himself on TV.

A FINAL WORD ABOUT COACH SHULA: I do wonder how he balances his ownership of a chain of steakhouses (you can see his website here, including a welcome video of footage from a contest to see who could eat a three-pound steak fastest) with his role as a celebrity weight-loss pitchman for Nutrisystem. Even if New England knocks his perfect season out of the record book, he’ll still hold the title for undefeated celebrity dietary hypocrisy, no asterisk needed.

UPDATE – THURSDAY MORNING: Don Shula is evidently a reader of Atomic Trousers. Moments ago, he started the damage control/backtracking on ESPN Radio. Kneel before the power of this blog!

There Goes The Neighborhood

November 8, 2007 / / 0 Comments

The regular host of Atomic Trousers contacted me to ask if I\’d be willing to provide the occasional dollop of content to pick up the slack while he devotes his time to the jet-setting world of punditry and shopping for sweater vests.

I am more than happy to oblige and accepted his offer before he could sober up.

So thanks to his laziness and busy schedule, you\’ll now be stuck with me every now and again. Look for my first official offering to this interweb thingy tomorrow morning.

Enjoy.

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