Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: March 2010

Wisconsin: Fighter of Bad Federal Laws

My new commentary is up over at the mothership; it attempts to draw a parallel between Congressman Paul Ryan\’s attempts to repeal the new health care law with former Wisconsin Senator John J. Blaine\’s successful attempts to repeal prohibition in 1932. (Although, as the last paragraph points out, prohibition prevented individuals from doing something they wanted to do – drink – while the current health care bill forces many people to do something they don\’t want to do – purchase health insurance.)

In my research for the piece, I ran across an awesome old Milwaukee Sentinel column from 1932 by a man named Gunnar Mickelsen, who vigorously defended the benefits of drinking. And it may not even fit in well with my column, but it was too awesome to leave out. I couldn\’t help myself. Here\’s his logic for why drinking is necessary to society:

\”Now, it is our theory that Milwaukee was happy because it talked. The urge to hold conversation, to communicate ideas and experiences is one of man\’s major motivations. It is behind most of his endeavors and his works. Deprive him of the privilege to talk and you rob him in no small measure of his ambition to do.

What use are actions if he can\’t talk about them later? The man\’s ego who is satisfied at the mere doing, without telling others or hearing their praise or criticism, is a rare fellow. The happiest persons are those who have something to say, know how to say it, and are given the opportunity to do so.

Beer and wine make for conversation. There is in liquors of mild alcoholic persuasion that which quickens the flow of the thoughts in a man\’s cranium, loosens a notch the belt about his reticence, and releases upon his tongue the fruits of his meditations. It is for precisely this reason that men have resorted to alcoholic drinks as a means to make their companionship more vivid and happy.\”

There you have it – people only do important things so they can brag to friends about them. And liquor makes people talk more. Ergo, without alcohol, nobody would really do anything, since they wouldn\’t be able to boast about what they did. Simple as that.

I, personally, think it\’s air-tight. In fact, I had a couple beers just now, so I could brag to you about my column. Only reason I wrote it, really.

Wisconsin: The Repeal Deal

prohibitionThe ink had not yet dried on the final letter “a” of “Barack Obama” before Republicans began calling for repeal of the massive national health care reorganization bill the president had just signed into law. This seems to be a politically shrewd move for the national GOP, as public opinion polls routinely show widespread opposition to the bill.

Leading the call for repeal is someone who had been one of the bill’s fiercest critics in the months leading up to its passage – newly minted national star Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin. In 2010, only Lady Gaga has rivaled Ryan in terms of national media exposure (and it appears that her only talent is her uncanny ability to avoid wearing pants in public.)

Ryan has smartly re-framed the health care repeal movement, urging lawmakers to “repeal and replace” the recently enacted law. He rightly recognizes the need for Republicans to push actual ideas, rather than being cast in their usual role as nattering nabobs of negativity. In fact, Ryan can be credited as the single reason the GOP at the national level is no longer seen merely as the “party of no.” (Although just saying no to this health care bill may prove to be a political gold mine for Republicans.)

While Ryan’s visage may be new to political observers nationwide, his willingness to fight for repeal of an unpopular law isn’t new to Wisconsin at all. In fact, the Dairy State was the driving force behind one of the most famous repeal efforts in U.S. history. In 1932, it was Wisconsin senator John J. Blaine who drafted the resolution to repeal prohibition, ending over a decade of despair for thirsty Wisconsinites.

In retrospect, it seems crazy that Wisconsin – of all places – would agree to adopt a prohibition on alcohol. Yet on January 17, 1919, Wisconsin became the 40th state to ratify the 18th Amendment. (This came well after the 36th state, Nebraska, ratified the amendment, making it official.)

It is well documented that Milwaukee is very much a city founded on the strength beer industry. In the 1840s, German immigrants flooded to the city, making it the beer brewing capital of the United States. But soon, many immigrants from New England, a stronghold of temperance, began moving to Wisconsin. These new Puritan immigrants, coupled with a World War I-related anti-German backlash that swept through America, gave the temperance movement strong influence over public policy – even when that influence threatened Wisconsin’s most popular industry.

Even when the Volstead Act (the 18th Amendment’s enabling legislation) took effect, Wisconsinites didn’t actually believe the law would stand. In 1922, The Milwaukee Telegram predicted the law would never stand, even as it was going into effect. Ninety year-old Jeremiah Quin wrote the following in opposition to the imposition of prohibition, in language that may be familiar to opponents of the recent health care bill:

blaine“The manner in which attempts are made to enforce this law is offensive to me as it must be to every man of spirit. From the observations of political movements for more than half a century, I conclude that this form of prohibition will not continue; it is producing a daily increasing reaction against the policies in force. It is the manner, not the morals, that is offensive.”

Naturally, once enacted, prohibition became wildly unpopular in Wisconsin. It virtually killed the breweries in Milwaukee, some of which began to make “near beer,” while others shifted over to making ice cream, soda, and cheese. When Schlitz Gardens closed in 1921, the Milwaukee Journal yearned for the days when the entertainment venue attracted such luminaries as New Jersey Governor Woodrow Wilson (who was running for president at the time, and reportedly refused to actually drink a beer.)

In the pages of the Milwaukee Sentinel in February of 1932, Gunnar Mickelsen offered up this erudite defense of drinking, and why Wisconsin was a miserable place without it:

“Now, it is our theory that Milwaukee was happy because it talked. The urge to hold conversation, to communicate ideas and experiences is one of man’s major motivations. It is behind most of his endeavors and his works. Deprive him of the privilege to talk and you rob him in no small measure of his ambition to do.

What use are actions if he can’t talk about them later? The man’s ego who is satisfied at the mere doing, without telling others or hearing their praise or criticism, is a rare fellow. The happiest persons are those who have something to say, know how to say it, and are given the opportunity to do so.

Beer and wine make for conversation. There is in liquors of mild alcoholic persuasion that which quickens the flow of the thoughts in a man’s cranium, loosens a notch the belt about his reticence, and releases upon his tongue the fruits of his meditations. It is for precisely this reason that men have resorted to alcoholic drinks as a means to make their companionship more vivid and happy.”

Mickelsen, no matter how specious and entertaining his logic, had some important people in his corner. One of these individuals was Republican U.S. Senator John J. Blaine of Wisconsin, who made the repeal of prohibition his personal mission.

Modern Progressives would bristle at any comparison between the conservative Paul Ryan and John Blaine, despite their shared desire for repeal of unpopular federal laws. Blaine, while a Republican, was a steadfast Progressive and a loyal follower of Robert LaFollette, Sr. Born to a farmer with egalitarian beliefs, Blaine’s disabled left arm forced him into professions other than the family farming business. After attending college, he went on to law school, becoming involved in the Progressive wing of the Republican Party. By 1902, he was in Robert LaFollette’s inner “Madison ring” of Progressive confidantes.

Blaine was elected Wisconsin attorney general in 1918 before serving three terms as governor. When his hero, LaFollette, died in 1925, a fight broke out to replace the legend in the U.S. Senate. Blaine struck a deal to support Robert LaFollette Jr. for his father’s U.S. Senate seat, in exchange for campaign help against incumbent Senator Irvine Lenroot in 1926. Blaine defeated Lenroot, and quickly became a thorn in the sides of both Presidents Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover. (In his first session, Blaine voted with the Republican majority in the senate only 35% of the time, or less than any other Republican.)

While Blaine was a forceful advocate for the use of the federal government to overcome the hardships of the Great Depression, it was his opposition to prohibition that finally forged his name in the history books. His fierce opposition to the 18th Amendment grew out of his progressivism – he saw prohibition as a recipe for public corruption and didn’t believe it was enforceable. He also didn’t believe it was the government’s role to enforce morality, saying, “I am opposed to prohibition as a matter of principle. I think it is wrong. I think any legislation that undertakes to regulate purely personal habits of individuals is wrong.” He believed that prohibition fostered “an orgy of official corruption in national affairs never before equaled in this country.”

In every session he served in the Senate, Blaine introduced a resolution to repeal prohibition. It wasn’t until the 1931-32 session (his last, incidentally) that his resolution was adopted and sent to the states for ratification. He lost his seat in a Republican primary in 1932, and died two years later at the age of 58.

While Paul Ryan is the face of the modern “repeal” movement, he isn’t the first Wisconsin elected official to face down the federal government in opposition to an unpopular law. American society changed forever because of John Blaine’s willingess to fight for your right to party. (College students all over Wisconsin can be seen honoring Blaine’s memory every weekend by getting hammered and singing “Sweet Caroline” at the top of their lungs at bars.)

Even with Blaine’s tireless work and public opinion at his back, it still took over a decade to repeal the 18th Amendment. (Furthermore, prohibition prevented individuals from doing something they wanted to do – drink – while the current health care bill forces many people to do something they don’t want to do – purchase health insurance.) It remains to be seen whether Ryan can effectively channel public sentiment in the same way.

Youthful Indiscretions: Our Politicians are Both Juvenile and Delinquent

babyThe ubiquitous television commercial plays nonstop, making it the aural wallpaper of our lives: Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young” remixed over modern beats, reminds us that the fountain of youth can be found in a sweet carbonated beverage.

It’s not the first marketing campaign to promise us eternal youth, and it won’t be the last. In fact, as we get older, commercials sell us on being even younger-in 10 years, Pepsi is probably going to promise me I can enjoy life once again as a fetus.

But these marketing campaigns bring up an interesting question that filters beyond culture, into the way we’re governed: Is the world really short on people who are acting too grown-up?

When I was a kid, it used to be that we were always in a rush to grow up. Someone’s older brother always had an awesome new R.E.M. tape that gave us a window into what college life was like-and we’d do anything to get a piece of it. At age 16, my friends and I sneaked into a Washington, D.C., bar, and I sat stunned, enjoying poetry readings next to a guy with a beard.

Today, our feelings on age seem to be the exact opposite. People my age are now obsessed with youth culture. Grown men measure their cultural status based on whether they’re beating 16-year-olds in online Xbox games. Women in their 30s and 40s giggle about the Jonas Brothers and seek refuge from real life in tales written for teenage girls about nubile young vampires.

Ask any woman, and she’ll tell you she’d rather be Megan Fox than Margaret Thatcher. (Although in college, I found out you can quickly turn the latter into the former with a bottle of Bacardi and a light switch.)

Our government leaders have caught on to the juvenalization of the American public. If there are any two personality traits that characterize young people, it is their avarice and their inability to think long term. And there is no better way to describe today’s elected leaders.

Politicians on the national level promise us universal health care while ignoring how they’re going to pay for it. They run up trillions of dollars of debt, selling our future to China. They spend billions of dollars on farcical economic “stimulus” efforts that seem to only benefit political cronies, while America continues to hemorrhage jobs. As if children on a playground, they hurl puerile epithets like “racist” and “teabagger” to impugn their ideological opponents.

Wisconsin’s leaders on the state level aren’t any better. Despite being required to pass a balanced budget, the state currently faces a $2.7 billion deficit. Wisconsin’s governor and Legislature simply can’t resist the urge to buy more government than it can pay for. This isn’t at all unlike what would happen if I let my 6-year-old daughter loose in Toys R’ Us with a credit card.

All of this, of course, reflects a society that doesn’t mind being lectured on the environment by the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio. Or having Jessica Alba tell them who to vote for in a presidential election. Or being told not to wear fur by Pamela Anderson.

I, for one, have come to grips with getting older. I wouldn’t trade the life experiences I’ve had, people I’ve met, books I’ve read, food I’ve tasted, for anything. Sure, I could do without my belly button sagging sadly over my belt, and I’d prefer it if my nose hair didn’t look like two hamsters were having a boxing match in my nostrils.

But with age comes experience, and I’m hopeful I’ve translated what I’ve learned into being a more responsible adult.

This is a lesson our political leaders need to take to heart. As Flannery O’Connor implored, we need to start “pushing as hard as the age that pushes against you.” On both the national and state level, we need adult supervision. The issues of our day will remain intractable until the people we choose to represent us just…grow up.

Not All Democrats Are Hi-Fiving Today

It was at 10:37 on Sunday night that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced the big health care bill had passed.  (Boy, is she going to be surprised when she finds out what’s in it.)  As the Speaker banged the gavel to close the proceedings, a cheer went up, and Democrats could be seen on C-Span awkwardly hi-fiving each other.

Yet the Democrats within the walls of the House chambers on March 21st may be the only ones celebrating.  In living rooms all over America, state and local Democratic lawmakers likely swallowed hard when the final vote finished.  That sound you heard at 10:37 wasn’t Pelosi banging the gavel – it was the sound of Tom Barrett, Jim Sullivan, Pat Kreitlow, and Kathleen Vinehout dropping a couple of Filet-o-Fish in their shorts.

Americans are busy people.  They’re busy raising their families.  They’re busy working.  They hunt, they fish, and they read books.  (Apparently the only thing none of them do is watch The Marriage Ref.) In the time they allot for paying attention to politics, they really can only pay attention to the large national debates of the time.  Few of them can name their governor. Fewer still can name their state representatives and senators.  As a result, state Democrats may pay dearly at the polls for what their federal masters hath wrought.

We’ve seen it before, and only a couple years ago.  In 2006, Wisconsinites were fed up with the war in Iraq – and Republicans at the state level paid a heavy price (despite 80% of Wisconsin lawmakers being unable to find “the Iraq” on a map.)  The lengthy and unpopular war sent people flooding to the polls to vote against Republicans, costing the GOP four state senate seats and dropping them into an 18-15 minority.  The Assembly, which once had an almost insurmountable GOP majority, lost in the neighborhood of 10 seats in 2006 – holding on to a slim majority that they eventually relinquished two years later.

Our polling at WPRI shows that there’s still plenty of time for the GOP to screw their Wisconsin legislative races up – but it appears that despite not taking a single vote on ObamaCare, Democrats in swing districts may get swept up in the anti-health care tidal wave.  In this respect, ObamaCare will be like the Democrats’ Iraq – a historic overreach that angers the electorate to the point where they defenestrate the majority party.

Some of these Democrats in swing districts have already smartly tried to distance themselves from the federal health care bill.  Democratic senator Pat Kreitlow took a break from his windbaggery to co-sponsor a bill allowing for a tax credit for Health Savings Accounts (HSAs), a concept previously anathema to legislative Democrats.  (I can’t wait to hear his fellow Democrats lambaste him for “only wanting to help the rich,” as they’ve done to Republicans for a decade for supporting HSAs.)  Kreitlow’s approach marks a stark contrast to the remainder of the Democratic Senate, which a couple of years ago actually tried to sneak in a state health plan that managed to be much worse than ObamaCare.

(Oh yeah, remember the “Healthy Wisconsin” single payer health plan?  The one that was SO important Senate Democrats had to sneak it in to the state budget with one day’s notice?  The one that we’re all supposed to pretend never happened?  In some odd way, state Democrats may have been saved by their own incompetence – had “Healthy Wisconsin” passed, we’d probably be looking at a State Senate in which Republicans outnumbered Democrats 32 to 1.  (Madison will continue to elect Fred Risser’s democratic brain in a jar for 100 years after his death.)

So while Democrats at the federal level may have delivered themselves a “victory,” they may have also delivered their colleagues at the state level a death blow.  Their “courageous” vote (note: in most cases, taking bribes in order to vote for a bill is criminal – President Obama has now deemed it “courageous”) may now deliver the states the same thing Ted Kennedy delivered to Massachusetts – more Republicans.

Oh, and a final note – I wrote a whole post without making the inevitable “health care is bad medicine for the Democrats” joke.  Although I guess I just did.

The Booming Lobbyist Business

Diana Marrero at the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel today points out that despite the recession, businesses have spent as much as ever on lobbyists.  From the article:

While Americans across the country tightened their belts, companies, organizations and other entities spent an average of 5% more on Washington lobbyists last year. The total amount spent on federal lobbying reached a record $3.5 billion in 2009, according to the watchdog group Center for Responsive Politics.

What’s implicit, although not expressly stated in the article, is that much of the lobbying is due to the vast expansion of government during the recession.  The “stimulus” plan was a gold mine for lobbyists – directing government money toward their pet projects. While Wisconsin was in the process of losing 170,000 private sector jobs last year, the number of government jobs actually grew.

This follows a slow motion phenomenon that has been growing for decades.  As government passes more and more laws and regulations and takes over more control of our lives, it makes perfect sense for special interests to lobby up – either to get their slice of the government goods that are being handed out or to protect their members from the growing tentacles of the law.

Want to get rid of the lobbyists?  It’s simple – we don’t need campaign finance “reform.”  We need to get the government out of our lives.

Band of the Week Podcast: Heligoats

On this week\’s podcast, we discuss why I paid $100 to see Simon and Garfunkel, whether \”road etiquette\” for bands exists, and we review the outstanding new album \”Goodness Gracious\” from the Heligoats.

Listen here:

[audio:http://media.libsyn.com/media/willsband/The_Heligoats.mp3]

Or download directly here.

As it so happens, the Heligoats played a show in Madison last week, and I was on hand to film it.  It\’s pretty dark (it was a coffee shop after all), but I think it turned out okay.  Here\’s \”Fish Sticks.\”

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

Breaking News: Gubernatorial Candidate Ate Pizza Once

Ladies and gentlemen, we are in for a long campaign season.

It’s only March, and we’re already getting ridiculous articles like this one, which attempts to criticize gubernatorial candidate Scott Walker for buying meals using privately-raised campaign funds for himself, staffers, and supporters.  I’m not supporting any specific candidate, so let me add that this article would be preposterous if it were about Mark Neumann, if it were about Tom Barrett, if it were about Russ Feingold, or whomever. (They’re still talking about the epic roast beef sandwich Feingold ate on the campaign trail in 1992.  Turned his whole campaign around.)

Let’s just take the most obvious points first:

Walker has been running his campaign for governor for about 18 months – his competitors, Mark Neumann and Tom Barrett, have been running theirs for about six months apiece.  So it should shock no one that Walker has spent more money on food and beverages.

Secondly, Walker’s message of frugality deals with the use of public funds – the article states so right there in the first paragraph:

“Republican Scott Walker wants supporters of his campaign for governor to join his “brown bag movement” to show how serious he is about cutting government waste and spending.”

Clearly, campaign funds are privately raised from donors – so it’s a completely different type of expenditure.  How Walker spends his campaign money is really between him and the people who have donated money to his campaign.

And it appears almost all of that food and drink spending is either for his campaign workers or to hold fundraisers in order to raise even more money.  I would bet somewhere in the vicinity of 100% of Walker’s donors would be okay with his campaign using their money to hold events to raise money from even more people.  It may shock the press to know that it takes money to raise money – primarily for overhead for campaign events.

What’s perhaps even most ridiculous is the quote from “good government expert” Jay Heck, who suddenly has become an expert on how Walker should spend his privately raised funds.  It’s laughable that Heck is somehow looking out for Walker’s donors.  Keep in mind – Heck advocates for taxpayer financing of campaigns, meaning he’d be much happier if Walker was buying his staff sandwiches with your tax money, and not from private sources.

I would have loved to be in the meeting where they cooked up this idea to “expose” Walker’s “hypocrisy.”  I know newspapers are having staffing troubles, but there had to at least be someone around to do even the most cursory fact checking.

And, course, what does any of this have to do with how a candidate is going to create jobs or balance the budget?  Nothing.

The “Sick Tax” Is Back From the Dead

Ahhh, yes – we all remember the summer of 2009 as if it were yesterday.  Politics was still full of Hope and Change.  People argued about issues, and not back-waxing or naked intimidation.  When we said Tiger Woods was “on the prowl,” we were talking about golf. (SIDE NOTE: How “Naked Intimidation” hasn’t already been used as the title for a late-night Cinemax movie is beyond me.)

In the Wisconsin Legislature, 2009 brought a new state legislature – and with it, a slew of new tax hikes.  In order to fill a $6 billion budget hole, the Senate and Assembly approved a new $300 million tax on hospitals, which was supposed to draw down more federal matching  money.  Republicans roundly condemned this much-publicized “sick tax,” as they called it – pointing out that the tax will just be passed on to consumers, at the same time the legislature was complaining about the high cost of health care.  (Under the plan, the new federal matching money would be directed to hospitals with high levels of Medicaid caseloads.)  The GOP was actually successful in having a similar plan removed from the 2007-09 budget bill, but it was finally enacted in 2009 Act 2.

One would think that would end the debate about the “sick tax” – but as observers of the legislature know, if elected officials find a tax that the public can stomach, they will bleed it dry.  (For example, a single pack of cigarettes will soon cost more than an iron lung.)

That is why a new “sick tax” is quietly working its way through the legislature.  Under the original plan, “critical access,” or mostly rural, hospitals were exempt from the tax.  Under Assembly Bill 770, that exemption would be gone – and these hospitals would have to begin paying the tax.  According to a hospital lobbyist handout sent to legislators, the tax would collect $10.5 million in taxes, $4.6 million of which would go to the MA trust fund.  The remaining roughly $6 million would be used to draw down $11 million in federal matching aid.  So, in exchange for accepting a $10.5 million tax hike (which they just pass on to patients anyway), the hospitals reap $17 million in payments.  To hospitals, it looks like free money.

On March 5th, the bill passed an Assembly committee by a 7-2 vote, with one Republican supporting it.  It now makes its way to the Joint Finance Committee.

The problem with this bill is, of course, that it does nothing to address the real problem in health care – the growing cost of care.  Instead, it merely raises taxes to fund those increasing costs.  Furthermore, it builds in additional state costs with the promise of more federal aid.  If that aid dries up, the state is on the hook for the rest.  (Someone should ask Jim Doyle how his recent attempts at getting federal funds is going.)

What’s perhaps most troublesome is that this bill, while being rushed through while no one is looking, doesn’t appear to have significant Republican opposition.  In fact, three Republican senators (Olsen, Lasee, and Schultz) and a handful of GOP representatives (Ballweg, Bies, Murtha, Spanbauer, Townsend) are actually co-authors of the bill.  These Republicans are all rural, and likely believe this new tax will be a boon for their hospitals.

But if Republicans are counting on 2010 to be a big year for the party, they should be extremely careful about lining up to support tax increases to prop up unsustainable spending levels.

More Truth in Labeling

I was taking my kids to school this morning, and I noticed the car in front of me had “4WD” emblazoned on the back.  And I got to wondering – what difference does it make to me whether that guy’s car is 4 wheel drive or 2 wheel drive?  What would be the purpose of announcing to the world how many wheels are functioning on your car?  Isn’t that really a personal issue between the driver and his automobile?

Come to think of it, I’ve seen other outward declarations of engine capacity.  Aren’t there some cars that actually tell you how many cylinders they have in their engine? (V8? V12?  I don’t even know the lingo.)  Or that they have anti-lock braking systems?  I propose that car companies start putting things like “REALLY GOOD AIR CONDITIONER” on the back bumper of their cars.  Or “EXTRA LARGE CHANGE CUP,” just to make all the other drivers feel insecure.

While it’s slightly annoying in the car world, this could actually work in the people world.  Wouldn’t it be quicker to judge people if they just wore clothes that told us what they thought their most impressive quality was?  People could wear t-shirts that say things like “CAN BENCH PRESS 250 POUNDS” or “SCORED 1200 ON MY SATs.”  Not only would it provide an important fact about that person, but it would also highlight what they think is most important about them.

When you go out with a girl, she can wear a shirt that says “NOT UNTIL THE THIRD DATE.”  Guys can wear a sweatshirt that says “THERE’S A REALLY GOOD CHANCE I’M ON DRUGS RIGHT NOW.”  It takes all the guesswork out of interpersonal relationships – a true time saver.

Cash donations accepted.

Are Legislative Democrats Betting Against Tom Barrett?

At this point, nearly everyone expects 2010 to be a big Republican year at the ballot box.  The real challenge for the GOP is to temper their enthusiasm and not go completely overboard in predicting landslide wins across the board.

But it seems a lot of Democrats are bracing for a big Republican year as well – and legislating as such.  As the Wisconsin legislative session nears an end, a few curious Democrat-authored bills have been cropping up that appear to be laying the groundwork for a Republican gubernatorial administration.

Take, for instance, a new bill that would give the Wisconsin Commissioner of Insurance a four-year term.  Currently, the Insurance Commissioner (Sean Dilweg, a really nice guy, incidentally) serves at the pleasure of the Governor.  This new bill would take that appointment power out of the governor’s hands for at least four years.

There’s really no reason to do this other than to lock in Governor Doyle’s cabinet appointees while a Scott Walker or Mark Neumann administration takes over.  If bills like this were to become law, a Governor Walker wouldn’t be able to appoint his own people to cabinet positions – he’d have to wait until their 4-year term was over.  Basically, the ghost of Jim Doyle would live to haunt Walker during his first term.

Then there’s this proposed constitutional change, which would weaken the governor’s vetoing authority.  Just two years ago, Wisconsin outlawed the so-called “Frankenstein Veto,” which allowed governors to stitch together sentences to create completely new laws.  (Full disclosure: I actually drafted the original resolution when I worked in the State Senate.)  At the time, there was no desire to go any further than the change we proposed – Democrats certainly would have blocked any move to further limit Jim Doyle’s veto authority.

But now, with a Republican administration seeming more likely, Democrats are willing to propose more stringent restrictions on the governor’s veto pen – something they refused to do in 2005, when Doyle was still popular.

These attempts to hamstring Scott Walker couldn’t be more obvious if they put a picture of him on the bills.  They should just go all the way and make them applicable “to any governor who used to be Milwaukee County Executive and whose name rhymes with stalker.”

It’s interesting, though, why Democrats would even propose these measures so close to an election.  If a dope like me can figure out that they’re nakedly partisan, then anyone can.  And it just makes them seem that they don’t have any faith in their candidate (rhymes with “carrot”) – so much so, that they’re pushing all their chips in to cripple an inevitable Walker administration.  Not exactly the shot of confidence the Mayor of Milwaukee needs.

Jim Doyle Wants Accountability, Apparently

Look out – Jim Doyle is irate.

Word came down today that Wisconsin was passed over for $254 million in federal “Race to the Top” funds, for which Wisconsin had applied in January of this year.  You may recall that in order to qualify for the funds, Wisconsin had to change their law that specifically stated that student test scores couldn’t be used in determining teacher compensation levels.  Early in 2009, President Obama’s education secretary, Arne Duncan, criticized states that shielded teachers from their students’ test scores, and threatened to withhold TOP funds from states that continued the practice.

Of course, when the federal government is handing out “free money,” the state legislature looks at them like my dog looks at me while I’m eating popcorn.  Democrats in the Wisconsin Legislature scrambled to put together a bill that did as little as possible to make any real change, then rushed it through both houses just under the deadline to apply for federal money.  (Their bill made connecting teachers with student test scores a permissible subject of bargaining – so it could happen, but only if the teachers’ union agreed to it. I’m sure the feds were like “wow – Wisconsin just cobbled together the most tepid bill possible in a naked attempt to get their hands on our money – they mean business!)

In the mean time, Governor Doyle called for a bill mandating mayoral control of Milwaukee Public Schools.  And he wanted that bill so badly, that the subject barely crossed his lips for the next eight months.  (Chances are, the maids at the governor’s mansion will find the original copy of the bill in one of Doyle’s couch cushions.)

Of course, in the first seven years of Doyle’s administration, there was virtually no attempt to improve schools through enhanced accountability measures.  MPS slugged along, while more and more children dropped out.  But suddenly, like a dancer at a strip club, Jim Doyle is willing to strap on the high heels and take to the pole when President Obama shows up and throws dollar bills at him.

What’s most amusing, however, is that Doyle seems to want to blame everyone else for his predicament:

“The train is leaving the station. But because the Milwaukee School Board continues to cling to the status quo – and because the State Legislature has so far failed to make real reforms – Wisconsin is not on that train,” Governor Doyle said. “Today’s announcement should be a wake up call to many. U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan has made it clear. The federal government will provide significant resources to states that are serious about reform. Milwaukee needs clear, consistent, accountable leadership focused on reform.”

Anyone want to guess where “Jim Doyle – Champion of Accountability” was in 2003?

2004?

2005?

2006?

2007?

2008?

Oh yeah – he was busy harassing private choice schools – trying to make them more closely resemble the public schools that he now claims are so unaccountable.

Jeff Wood Does Not Care For Your Expulsion Attempt

By now, everyone knows the story of State Assemblyman Jeff Wood, who has been arrested three times within the span of about a year for OWI.  This makes five OWI arrests in all for Wood. While a committee has been formed to look at expelling Wood from the Assembly, it is clear Democrats will not take any action to remove Wood until they don’t need his vote anymore.

Other lawmakers, such as Republican Representative Steve Nass, have taken matters into their own hands.  Nass authored an Assembly Resolution to have Wood expelled from the Assembly.  He was the only one to sign on to his resolution, as it appears other representatives are content to let the process play out. (By the time any action is taken, it will be too close to the Fall elections for it to mean anything, as Wood has said he is not running for his seat again.)

But here’s where it gets good.  One would think that if you were the subject of an attempt to be thrown out of the Assembly, a little humility might be your best bet.  In Wood’s case, one would be wrong.

Wood actually drafted a wildly entertaining 12-page amendment to Nass’ resolution, in which he basically states his case to stay in the Assembly.  Wood goes through virtually every case in the last 50 years in which a legislator had a run-in with the law, and points out that none of them were sanctioned by the Assembly.  (He fails to point out, however, that none of them are currently serving, and many of them were out of office shortly thereafter.  Also, if you read through the offenses, none posed a threat to human safety in the same way as three OWIs did.)

On the second to last page, he cites a poll done by his local newspaper that says 57 percent of respondents believe no action should be taken against him, then he attacks Steve Nass, and finishes with this:

Resolved by the assembly, That Representative Jeffrey Wood not be held to a different standard than partisan legislators within this institution and based on the facts of this controversy the assembly takes no further action and the special committee on ethics and standards of conduct is hereby disbanded.

It’s pretty clear that Wood is resigned to the fact that he’s not going to get his name back anytime soon.  Don’t be surprised if he shows up on the floor of the Assembly wearing no pants, smoking a cigarette, and clutching a bottle of Jim Beam.  He’s got no one left to impress, and nothing left to accomplish.  Sadly, it’s his constituents who have paid the price.

Side note: My apologies to legislative attorney Stephen R. Miller, who actually had to draft that resolution.  Your time is more valuable than that.

Tommy’s Body Slam

I know, I know – we’re all sick of hearing about Tommy Thompson and whether he’s going to run for the U.S. Senate against incumbent Russ Feingold.  I will continue to say he’s out until he’s not.

But IN THE EVENT he’s in, a friend of mine in the legislature passed on a suggestion about how he should do it:

It’s May 22, 2010, at the Republican state convention in Milwaukee.  After all the candidate speeches, Senate frontrunner Terrence Wall strides up to the podium to raucous applause.  The crowd settles to a hush, and Wall begins his speech.  He speaks softly at points, and occasionally builds to a crescendo.  Finally, at the end of his speech, he’s ready to accept the party’s nomination.  At the top of his voice, he shouts…

“AND I AM HONORED TO ACCEPT THE PARTY’S…..”

Then, in mid-sentence, some loud music starts to play, interrupting Terrence Wall’s speech.  Someone from the from the Winnebago County delegation yells “WAIT – ISN’T THAT TOMMY THOMPSON’S MUSIC?”

Why Congress is Wigging Out

wiggingWhen men start to go bald, they basically have two options: they can man up, accept their fate and buy an expensive car, or they can try wearing a ridiculous toupee.

(I guess a third option is to get hair plugs – like they do in the Hair Club for Men. I love their ads, because they promise that I can go jet-skiing with my new hair – which is awesome, because I didn’t know how to jet ski before.)*

The thought process behind men wearing wigs is fascinating. They recognize that it looks ridiculous – there isn’t a person they pass on the street that doesn’t go “whoa – look at that rug!” But they do the internal calculus and determine that the fact they’re obviously wearing a toupee is preferable to the horrors of seeing the top of their scalp.

The examples of this are myriad. Everyone knows Elton John is a member of the Bald Brotherhood; yet he still shows up in concert wearing wigs that look like they formerly belonged to a cast member of “High School Musical.” Everyone seems to have forgotten that Jeremy Piven had less hair at age 28 than he does at age 43. And John Travolta’s ridiculous hairline goes up and down more often than John Edwards’ zipper. Yet all of them have determined that this is a better look than going natural.

(Incidentally, this is comparable to women who think having obvious plastic surgery is preferable to the horrors of aging naturally. Poor Meg Ryan, formerly as beautiful as the Mona Lisa, now looks like a Picasso.)

Members of Congress seem to be picking up on this meme. Congress’ favorability ratings barely hover above “having your lips stapled to a gorilla.” The American public is now fully aware Congress is incapable of creating jobs. Voters know that the House and Senate are going to raise their taxes and at the same time create government deficits as far as the eye can see, at the same time unemployment is in the double digits. (The chance that we all speak Chinese in 20 years currently stands at about 35%.)

And yet they have taken this dead animal carcass known as “health care” and stapled it securely to their heads. They think ramming through a government takeover of sixteen percent of the American economy is preferable to the way the public sees them now. Democrats in Congress honestly believe passing a partisan bill crafted in secret will give them the image makeover they need to maintain their large margins come election time.

When the health care takeover bill passes, your congressperson is going to come back to you brandishing their vote as if they’re a co-worker who magically gained a full head of hair overnight. They’re going to tell you that doing something was better than letting nature take its course. Yet unbeknownst to them, they will become even more of a laughingstock than when they started. Sadly, the cover Steve in human resources seeks only hurts him; the cover Congress is looking for could bring down the American economy.

So say it loud, my bald brothers – it’s nobody’s first choice to lose your hair, but trying to rectify it can make it worse. A lesson Congress should learn before they creep out voters for good.

NOTE: Be looking for the second portion of this series, “Why global warming is like a mustache.”

(Incidentally, when Congress does decide to purchase their toupee, I demand they do it at Morrie’s Wigs.)

* – Other popular strategies include “bald guy who grows a beard,” “bald guy who works out a lot,” “bald guy who wears sunglasses on the top of his head,” “bald guy who wears stylish hats,” “bald guy with lots of tattoos,” and “Michael Stipe.”