Having already solved all the state’s problems, the Wisconsin Legislature this week turns to the difficult chore of making up imaginary problems to fix.
The Wisconsin Senate is slated to take up a bill that would allow legislators to designate between three and seven “secret successors,” in the event all hell breaks loose and an “enemy attack” leaves the state with nine Senate vacancies or 25 open Assembly seats. One could argue that the most serious threat to the state is actually the Legislature itself, but it’s more fun to think about the state in total chaos. Come to think of it, would anyone really notice?
As long as we’re going to take a few hours on the floor coming up with possible scenarios, the Senate might as well amend the bill to capture all possibilities. What would be the protocol if the Capitol building suddenly became immersed in lime jello? What if jetpack-equipped alligators learned to type and seized control of state government via cyber-attack? What if Brett Favre throws four touchdowns against the Packers on October 5th? Half the state will have a heart attack, the rest will be set ablaze.
Fortunately, WisconsinEye was able to put together a training video on what to do in the event of the most likely threat to the State Capitol of all:
[flv:http://www.wpri.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/multimedia/videos/Godzilla.flv 480 360]
And how exactly does this secret “successor list” work? It’s supposed to be private, but does the person on the list even know they’re on it? They just get a call one day telling them they’ve been called up to duty to serve in the State Senate? More importantly, why does the list of successors go all the way up to seven? – what happens when Dawn Marie Sass runs out of family members?
I’m just laying down the marker here – I am entering my name into consideration for any elected official that wants to make me as one of their successors. Then I, along with the jetpack wearing alligators, will plot the destruction of state government, install myself as leader, then pass a law granting myself immunity from prosecution when everyone finds out my plot. It’s FOOLPROOF.
In all seriousness, nobody has confidence in the Legislature’s ability to solve the problems it can actually see. Does anyone believe they can fix the problems it can’t?