April 2009 – Christian Schneider

Month: April 2009 (page 1 of 2)

A Blind Encounter

April 29, 2009 / Christian / 3 Comments

After work on Wednesday, I headed down to Panera to grab dinner for the family. While standing in line waiting to order, I noticed a fairly attractive young woman standing about six feet behind me. When I turned around again, I saw she had edged a little closer and was looking right at me. Then, while still making eye contact, she took another step forward.

\”Uhhhh… hi,\” I said.

She smiled and said hi, and leaned forward a little. This seemed a little strange, as this is not the normal effect I have on women that have a full set of teeth. Generally, they manufacture some reason to pretend they didn\’t see me – like sawing off their foot.

Just then, the counter cleared, and I was ready to order. I ordered the food, then headed over to the other end of the restaurant to pick it up. I saw the girl order, then walk very slowly to a table, scoping out the restaurant. After a couple of minutes, a guy with brown hair walked over to her table. She got up, and they shook hands, as if they were just meeting. Then it hit me:

She thought I was her blind date.

Fortunately for her, I was not. I imagine she was relieved, as well. A small part of me wished that, had I known what was going on, I would have played along for a little bit. But after my ruse was exposed, I imagine it would have gotten uncomfortable.

I started to think about how different blind dating is these days, with the internet and all. I mean, does anyone go on a date anymore where they haven\’t at least seen a picture of the person first? It so happens that this guy looked a lot like me (or I, him), so I can see where she might have confused us. (Although on my blind dates, I always wore bright orange arm floaties and a Seattle Seahawks football helmet, to make sure the girl could spot me immediately. There generally weren\’t many second dates.)

But it seems that some of the best stories people carry throughout their lives are tales of blind dates gone horribly wrong. The ones where a friend of yours says she knows this really nice, funny girl that looks like Uma Thurman, and she actually looks more like Bob Uecker. (For some reason, at least in the mid \’90s, any time a girl wanted to set you up with a strange looking friend, they always said she looked like Uma Thurman, merely because she manages to be both hot and weird looking.)*

Now, with the internet, potential suitors can be fully vetted and examined prior to meeting in person – although, admittedly, any time someone posts a picture of themselves online, you should probably mentally slap on about 15 pounds to estimate what they really look like.

But sadly, the tales of crazy blind dates may be going the way of fondue and wife swapping. This is more disturbing than the disappearance of the newspaper industry. Everyone needs to experience a truly apocalyptic first date to tell all their friends about. Without these, people would be forced to sit around and tell stories about how they got their scars. (I have a theory that if more than 3 people are locked in a room for more than 2 hours, the conversation inevitably turns to drinking stories and scar stories – and sometimes, they\’re the same story. I have yet to be proven wrong.)

Oh, and since I know you\’ve been wondering: The sandwich was delicious.

*Side note – After college, I moved to Chicago and stayed with my friend The Gooch. We went to a bar one night, and I actually did meet a girl who looked like Uma Thurman – and in a good way. She was a law student at some school there. She called me a few days later, and asked me if I wanted to go have coffee. My answer? \”Well, I don\’t drink coffee.\”

Genius.

The Most Coherent Defense of Universal Health Care Yet

April 29, 2009 / Christian / 1 Comment

Lost in all the hullaballoo about Miss California’s support of “opposite marriage” during the Miss USA pageant last week was this unbelievable answer from Miss Arizona, when asked if she supports universal health care:

That made more sense than anything the Wisconsin Democrats supporting “Healthy Wisconsin” have said to this point.

Be a Dirtbag, Save the Earth

April 26, 2009 / Christian / 0 Comments

So ends the week where all the television networks lecture us on how to live more “green” lifestyles. The irony of a multimillion dollar corporation like General Electric (owner of NBC) shaming people into using less toilet paper is just too rich for words.

This last week gave me the opportunity to do a little soul-searching as to how I can save the environment. This introspection wasn\’t really necessary, as my dedication to receipt reform to save our valuable trees has been second to none. I figure my carbon bank is full.

But here’s a bonus recommendation: wouldn’t it make more sense if public bathrooms got rid of the automatic laser flushers for urinals? Think about it – for whatever reason, probably only half the public restroom users actually flush when they’re done going “#1.” Maybe they’re germophobes that don’t like touching the handle, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they think the urinal cake will take care of the smell, or whatever.

But by having the automatic flushers, you guarantee that everyone there is flushing every time. Most people probably agree that we could get away with only flushing every other time – so while the automatic flushers may be a nice convenience, they’re killing our sensitive ecosystems. Each time you flush in an airport bathroom, a tear rolls down the cheek of a baby seal.

As my own earth-saving protest, every time I go into a bathroom with automatic flushers, I’m going to sit on the floor and try to make it into the urinal from there, just so I can avoid the oppressive watchful eye of the little red laser. Or I’ll hang from the ceiling, Mission Impossible-style, with a complex system of mirrors to divert the lasers. Big brother doesn’t need to know when I have to pee.

And for the Sierra Club, I am available to receive an award for this idea at any time. Just call my people.

(SIDE NOTE: When I was a little kid, it seemed like the possibilities for lasers were endless – they ranged from slicing Darth Vader in half with a lightsaber to shooting down Russian spy planes. But it appears that the only good lasers have actually done in my lifetime is to determine when someone has just finished dropping a deuce in a public bathroom. Get these scientists some damn stimulus funds – I want a lightsaber, dammit!)

An Explosive Weekend

April 26, 2009 / Christian / 1 Comment

Every year I, along with 18,000 other Madisonians, run in the 5 mile Crazylegs run. It doesn’t matter if I train for it or not (generally not), I always end up with the same time. I was determined to make this year different.

So about a month ago, I thought I’d really start busting my ass to see if I could get in shape. I wanted to see how fast I could actually run the race if I applied myself. I started running five miles a day, and did so for about three and a half weeks. I ran through soreness, blisters, and fatigue, determined to get a little faster. I paid the entrance fee and got ready to test myself on Saturday.

This week, everyone in my family was sick. My kids got a bug that had them throwing up, combined with uncontrollable diarrhea. Determined to dodge this plague, I sequestered myself for most of the week. And I managed to stay reasonably healthy.

You can probably guess what happened next. Early evening on Friday, my stomach started to feel a little uncomfortable. I was looking forward to my team’s first softball game at 10:00 on Friday night, so I didn’t think much of it. Then, about 8:00, it hit me – I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom to avoid a rectal apocalypse. Runs to the bathroom every ten minutes followed, along with a 20 minute vomiting session. (I have not yet ruled out the Mexican swine flu as the culprit.)

My wife was appalled that I remained determined to play in the softball game. It was clear my whole weekend, and all the work I had put in to get in shape, was about to be flushed down the toilet, along with everything I had eaten for the past three days. So I wanted to salvage little bit of fun – and I was afraid that if I didn’t show for the game, my team would have to forfeit.

When I got to the softball fields, I scoped out the bathroom situation, in case I had to make a mad dash. Of course, the toilet was in typical public restroom shape – it was clogged up, with water running over the top, and other people’s handiwork floating inside. Sitting on it was an impossibility.

The game got started, and every time I took the field, I stuck a towel in the front of my shorts, just in case. I managed to get a couple hits, and each time I got to the base, I felt like I was going to hurl. Running anywhere was a risky proposition, as each step could trigger untold embarrassment. Fortunately, the game passed without incident, and we won, 12-2. One of the guys on the team mentioned what a big win it was – “You have no idea,” I said, hunched over.

I got home and crawled into bed, shivering uncontrollably. I barely slept, feeling like my temperature was 110 degrees. Of course, I missed the race the next morning, as I was hugging the porcelain throne. So much work, all gone to waste.

On the upside, there were worse weekends to be laid up – with the NFL draft, NBA playoffs, and Brewer games all going on. (Generally, I\’m against dopes that watch too much of the NFL draft, but I ended up watching virtually every minute of it – on both ESPN and the NFL Network.) As I was drifting in and out of consciousness on Sunday afternoon, I actually saw my Mom and Dad on national TV, standing right off the 18^th fairway at the golf tournament Jerry Kelly won. I thought I was hallucinating, and checked – in fact, the tournament was in New Orleans, where they live. So completely random and bizarre.

Hopefully, I\’ll be back in fighting shape on Monday (which also happens to be my birthday.) I’m looking forward to eating again.

Bring on the Vote Fraud

April 23, 2009 / Christian / 0 Comments

With the state GOP convention in a little more than a week, people are figuring out who’s going to run against Russ Feingold for U.S. Senate in 2010. At each convention, Wispolitics.com puts together a straw poll for the party loyalists to vote for who they think should run – and I honestly can’t think of a single name that comes to mind that would actually be interested in running. (Although I heard some businessman is thinking about running, so good for him.)

I actually had a couple friends (jokingly, I think) tell me I should get my name on the list. I laughed at their suggestion, but then I thought – there may be some upside to this. After all, I have already aired all my dirty laundry in advance for the Feingold people to use against me. I’ve exposed Feingold’s excessive flatulence. I’ve even come up with a slogan – “VOTE SCHNEIDER: FOR A STRONGER STATUS QUO!”

Most importantly, I’d want to be on the straw poll just to see if I could beat a couple of the names that I suspect are going to be on there. Just so I could hang that over their heads for eternity. Now, for clarification – I couldn’t actually beat anyone in a real election, but for the straw poll, all bets are off.

That is why, despite being illegal during actual elections, I would be more than happy to engage in rampant and overt vote fraud during the convention. I’d hire ACORN to descend on LaCrosse, pulling people out of their homes and making up phony names for voters to vote for me. I’d be buying beers by the truckload for the conventioneers. I’d head down to Kinkos and crank out hundreds of phony ballots for people to cast, with my name pre-marked.

So if you’re going to be in LaCrosse next weekend, vote early, and vote often. Remember these inspiring words, spoken by me, this morning:

“If a douchebag like Al Franken can get elected to the U.S. Senate, why not me?”

The Power of “Hello”

April 20, 2009 / Christian / 0 Comments

Working in a drug store in high school wasn’t ideal, but it was a job. All my friends worked at cooler places at the mall – Orange Julius, the Gap, etc. I was stuck dealing with old ladies who needed my advice on what kind of enema to use (I told them that I preferred Fleet) and stocking the birth control aisle, wondering what apocalyptic chain of events would have to occur for me to actually need one of these mysterious products.

Despite my overall distaste for the job, my boss at the pharmacy taught me something important that I have carried throughout my life:

If you say hello to the customers, they’re much less likely to rob you.

It sounded dopey, but seemed to work. If potential thieves feel like they’ve made a connection to someone working in the store, maybe they somehow feel guiltier lifting product. Maybe it just makes them feel more like they’re being watched, so they’re less likely to take the risk. Either way, a little personal contact seemed to go a long way in keeping order in the drugstore. (Except for the people who flooded the store on December 26th, attempting to return their Christmas lights by falsely claiming the lights didn’t work. These people should have been imprisoned – instead, they usually got their money back, as long as they had their receipt.)

That was 20 years ago, before people began communicating with each other via e-mail, before customers began doing all their business online, and when you could still cook up a believable fake driver’s license in the basement of your friend’s older brother’s house. (Damn you, DMV, with your holograms!) These days, hardly anyone in the business world actually talks to each other anymore – and we’re all being robbed as a result.

You don’t have to go back too far to imagine what getting a mortgage used to be like. You walked into an actual bank and talked to an actual banker, who probably learned your name. When the bank decided you were worthy of receiving credit, they sat down and figured what kind of loan you could afford, based on your income. It was in the mutual best interest of both parties to make sure you got a mortgage you could repay – since the bank held your debt on their books, they had a vested interest in your financial well-being.

Fast forward to today’s home lending practices, in which customers are simply numbers on a page. The American economy collapsed in large part because financial institutions pushed unrealistic mortgages on individuals, packaged all these questionable loans together, insured them, and pushed the risk off onto others. Instead of being “Ed Smith, mortgage holder,” you simply became numbers on a roulette wheel – a wheel that came up double zero last year, wiping everyone out.

Of course, it is beyond Pollyannish to suggest we go back to the old days where your banker knew your name and held your mortgage locally. The profits allowed by technology are simply too great for financial institutions to pass up. But the theory still has credibility – people are much less willing to rip off people that they know personally. And as we become a more impersonal world, the opportunity to crudely take advantage of others grows exponentially.

Making the world less impersonal would mean somehow turning around the direction in which all of our social interaction is headed. In increasing numbers, people are segregating themselves politically. The internet allows individuals to read only the news that they agree with politically. Over the past several decades, people have grown less likely to join associations, attend church, form strong bonds with others at work, and become involved in civic events.* As a result, we don’t talk to each other anymore – interpersonal relationships have become antiquated relics of the past, especially with those who have different political ideologies.

This self-segregation has dire consequences. Last week, “comedienne” Janeane Garofalo appeared on MSNBC, accusing anti-tax protesters of being “racist rednecks.” She went on to accuse conservatives of having defective brains, which allows them to be brainwashed by Fox News. (The fact that Garofalo’s only meaningful paycheck (for her role on the Fox show “24”) is signed by Rupert Murdoch adds to the irony, and may be the reason she needed to disassociate herself from the network.)

There’s absolutely no doubt that Janeane Garofalo doesn’t know a single conservative. She lives in a bubble, in which ridiculing right-wingers is a sport, enjoyed by all her like-minded pals. When she derides half the country as “racist rednecks,” she’s not insulting a single person she knows personally – so she can continue with her crude, bizarre rant with impunity, cheered on by the equally insulated Keith Olbermann. It is completely foreign to her that regular, lunch pail-toting Americans might actually object to government taking more of their money and distributing it to wealthy investment banks and auto executives.

As technology and demographics continue to shrink our social circles, we face immense challenges. An impersonal society is one in which predators take more advantage of others, in which political discourse grows more crude and insulting, and in which the lack of civic involvement leads elected officials to rule with impunity. Maybe we should all just stop for a minute and say “hello.”

Then, our government might be less likely to rob us.

-April 20, 2009

*- Robert Putnam, “Bowling Alone,” Simon and Schuster, 2000.

Your Fringe Conservative Nutcase Update

April 20, 2009 / Christian / 0 Comments

In the wake of last week’s tax protests, the last person you’d expect to be pushing for smaller government would be Tom Brokaw. But here he is today, writing in the New York Times:

In my native Great Plains, North and South Dakota have a combined population of just under 1.5 million people, and in each state the rural areas are being depopulated at a rapid rate. Yet between them the two Dakotas support 17 colleges and universities. They are a carry-over from the early 20th century when travel was more difficult and farm families wanted their children close by during harvest season.

I know this is heresy, but couldn’t the two states get a bigger bang for their higher education buck if they consolidated their smaller institutions into, say, the Dakota Territory College System, with satellite campuses but a common administration and shared standards?

Iowa, next door, is having its own struggles with maintaining population, especially among the young. As the Hawkeye State’s taxpayers grow older and less financially productive, the cost of government services becomes more expensive.

Yet Iowa proudly maintains its grid of 99 counties, each with its own distinctive courthouse, many on the National Register of Historic Places – and some as little as 40 miles away from one another. Each one houses a full complement of clerks, auditors, sheriff’s deputies, jailers and commissioners. Is there any reason beyond local pride to maintain such duplication given the economic and population pressures of our time?

This is not a problem unique to the states I have cited. Every state and every region in the country is stuck with some form of anachronistic and expensive local government structure that dates to horse-drawn wagons, family farms and small-town convenience.

Of course, on Brokaw’s own television network – the one he spent decades building into a reputable news organization – he would be labeled a “teabagging racist redneck” for espousing this preference for smaller government. Who knew Tom Brokaw’s brain was so underdeveloped? Who could have imagined he took all his marching orders from Fox News?

What I Did This Weekend

April 19, 2009 / Christian / 0 Comments

Oh, hello there, dear reader. I forgot you guys were out there.

FYI, I was on “Sunday Insight With Charlie Sykes” this Sunday. We talked about the tea parties, jobs leaving Wisconsin, and whether you should be allowed to spank your children. (There’s also a twinkie joke in there that only one guy on the panel got.)

[flv:/wp-content/uploads/multimedia/videos/sunday_insight/Sunday_Insight041909.flv 480 360]

Are Taxes to Blame for the Packers’ Bad Season?

April 16, 2009 / Christian / 8 Comments

The Packers’ crappy season last year can be attributable to a number of factors – poor tackling, slow linebackers, bad blocking, etc. But do taxes play a role in keeping good talent away from Wisconsin?

In Andrew Brandt’s “Busine$$ of Football” column, he says yes – and specifically calls out Wisconsin for its high tax burden:

The states without income tax, I felt, always had an advantage in recruiting free agent players. Teams in Florida, Tennessee and Texas used the fact that their states had no income tax to show players how much more they would take home than teams in high income tax states (like Wisconsin). In some cases, agents actually showed me data from other teams showing how much more the player would make over the life of the same contract in one of those states. In recruiting players for Green Bay, I would always hear from agents how much more a player would make from, say, the Buccaneers or Texans compared to the 6.6-percent state income tax that Wisconsin would take from Packer players. That and, of course, the weather.

From what I remember, in their early days, both the NBA’s Vancouver Grizzlies and Toronto Raptors had a difficult time attracting free agent talent due to the burdensome Canadian tax load. (And the fact that a player could die waiting in the emergency room to get a sprained ankle looked at.) It makes sense that agents have gotten so sophisticated that they can now dice the numbers up on a state-by-state basis.

So even if you’re not tuned in politically, oppose Jim Doyle’s tax increases to save the Packers.

A Lovely Day for a Tea Party

April 15, 2009 / Christian / 5 Comments

Today was tax day – the day everyone rushes to the post office to file their returns. That is, unless they work for the Obama administration and are in charge of actually spending that money. They can get to it whenever they feel like it.

The Lord smiled on the Tea Party held in Madison today, as thousands of people showed up from all over the state to fight higher taxes. (The Lord hasn’t specifically expressed a preference for lower taxes, although he was irked that one time Jesus got a ticket from the DNR for turning bread into fish.) Warmth greeted 4,000 people who flooded the Capitol’s East Wing sidewalk to demonstrate against taxes, spending, and pretty much any gripe they have with any aspect of the current government. Today was the day of airing grievances publicly – if you don’t like taxes, you were there with signs. If you don’t like gun control, you were there with signs. If you think the voting process on American Idol is rigged, you were there with signs.

Before the event even began, liberal groups were trying to cut the protest off at the knees. Wisconsin Democratic Chairman Joe Wineke issued a statement deriding the “tea bag party” as an organized effort bankrolled by conservative interest groups. As if union protests are completely organic events – like, some union guy shows up on a picket line completely unaware that other people are going to be there. “Oh, you guys are protesting today? Me too!”

I got there about an hour and a half before the festivities began. Capitol police lined the outer rings of the Capitol, just in case they needed to jump in and beat down someone who might be throwing peanuts on the ground. People with anti-tax signs were already filling up the sidewalk leading up to the doors of the Capitol. The stage was set up right in front of the doors, with a large video screen on the left side of the stage. The right sidewalk was flanked by a humongous 8 foot tall sign with orange letters that said NO NEW TAXES, brought here by Citizens for Responsible Government. Naturally, their volunteers were handing out pamphlets pushing for Governor Jim Doyle’s recall.

At a quarter to 11:00, the thousand or so people who had already gathered began an impromptu rendition of the “Star Spangled Banner.” Apparently not knowing what their next move was, they began singing “God Bless America,” although clearly fewer people knew the words. They then, for some reason, followed that up with “Amazing Grace,” and even fewer people knew the words to that song. I figured that if it kept up at that pace, in about six songs, it would just be one guy singing the theme song to “Titanic” really loudly by himself.

The signs were all fairly standard anti-tax and spend sayings. They ranged from the poetic (“Doyle is a Boil on the Taxpayers’ Ass”) to the scatological (“Flush the Doylet”), to the confusing-but-true-if-taken-literally (“Washington is on Crack”. Marion Barry is protesting alone in D.C. with a sign that says “you have a point this time.”) I was talking with a friend, and saw an execrable sign (“Obama Wants White Slavery”), then turned to my friend and said “I guarantee that sign gets mentioned in the press.” It took almost a full hour before Wispolitics.com made good on my guarantee. Wasn’t really a tough prediction – of the probably 500 signs there, that was clearly the one that was going to make the news.

(There was one sign that said “Yes, We Are a Christian Nation,” and I thanked them for holding me in such high regard.)

Speaking of signs and the media, our friends from One Wisconsin Now (an outfit funded almost entirely by union money) were there staging their own protest. Their executive director Scot Ross was there, along with some of his buddies who were dressed as bankers, complete with top hats and awesome curly mustaches. They were holding signs that said things like “Don’t Tax My Yacht” and, perhaps most ironically, “Get Back to Work.” (You may recall the last taxpayer rally at the Capitol, which drew hundreds of government workers there to heckle the anti-tax folks on the taxpayers’ dime.)

Before things got underway, I sat for a while and watched one guy that had an awesome contraption – it was essentially like a bicycle seat attached to this long pole. So anytime, anywhere you felt like it, you could whip this thing out and sit down on it. As someone who specializes in laziness, this thing could be revolutionary. See for yourself:

As I gazed at this technological marvel, the loudspeakers began playing Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” while the giant video screen flashed the words. When this song came out in 1985, I’m guessing Twisted Sister hadn’t really envisioned it as a rallying cry for conservatives to urge lower taxes. I’m thinking they were probably championing the cause of more irresponsible sex and heavier drug use. (Finally, someone speaks on behalf of the drugs.) Just in case the crowd missed the point of the song, they played it a second time, right after the first.

Twisted Sister was followed up by a an audio montage of Jim Doyle’s greatest hits – all of his past quotes about how “we can not, and I will not raise taxes,” and that “Wisconsin’s government problem isn’t that it taxes too little, it’s that it spends too much.” By this time, the crowd was really getting big, and the boos washed over the people crammed in near the stage.

Then, the Conservative Bat Signal came. It is the inviolable rule of conservative events – nothing really happens until Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American” plays. Once the final “God Bless the USA” plays, it’s go time. Only this time, there was a lag between the song and the speeches. The stage was still empty, although the sound checks had all been completed. It took every ounce of self control for me to not run up to the microphone and start yelling “don’t take the brown acid, man!” Sadly, I think few attendees would have gotten the joke. Or they would have been stabbed by the Hell’s Angels, who were providing security for the day.

Finally, a crowd gathered on the podium, and Americans For Prosperity director Mark Block introduced the day’s first speaker, fiscal dreamboat Paul Ryan. As Ryan walked out of the Capitol an on to the stage, the One Wisconsin Now guys berated him via bullhorn, blaming him for high unemployment in his district. Ryan strode up to the podium, and immediately announced that “everyone is giving me teabags.” This elicited only a fraction of the muffled laughter I expected, although it may have earned him an entirely new constituency that he has heretofore never courted.

Ryan gave an impassioned speech not unlike many of the speeches he’s given on the floor of the House. It could have only been a couple minutes, then he was gone. Following Ryan were a host of speakers, including Wisconsin GOP Chair Reince Priebus. Priebus had a tough task ahead of him – a good number of the attendees in the crowd equally blame Republicans for the shoddy state of government finances, and he received a couple cat calls to that effect. But he did a really good job of throwing out the red meat, and by the end of his speech, seems to have more than won the crowd over.

After Priebus spoke, I began winding my way through the crowd to try to observe some of the sights. The faux-bankers at One Wisconsin Now were giving media interviews, accusing everyone at the rally of being the wealthiest 1% of wage earners. (Apparently, the liberal groups are unaware that they RUN THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT now.)

Just by scanning the crowd, you could see that, if anything, these people were the exact opposite. They are just regular people afraid of losing their jobs – something government employees rarely have to fear – and hacked off at having to pay more of their money to a government that is using it to drive the state’s finances into a ditch. Aesthetically, they had the look of 4,000 regular, main-street folks – for the cost of Governor Doyle’s trip to the Masters golf tournament, you probably could have bought them all haircuts.

As radio talk show host Vicki McKenna took the stage to wrap things up, the crowd was clearly tired and angry. The sun had been beating down on them for hours as they listened to speech after speech of depressing (and accurate) descriptions of our government gone bad. McKenna’s speech hit all the right notes – pointing out all the hidden policy in the budget, urging people to take action, and ordering them to go in and talk to their legislators. She got a big ovation, then rally attendees broke up and started going their separate ways.

Will it make any difference in the budget? Not likely. All of the legislators sympathetic to the protestors’ causes were in attendance – but none of them actually run anything anymore. Around late July this year, the budget is going to pass in something close to its currentform. As a result, all these people will be back – probably with a few thousand more of their friends.

Doyle Vows to Save Wisconsin Right After Sergio Putts

April 14, 2009 / Christian / 3 Comments

Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle Looking for the Key to Economic Development

While you were at home on your couch watching the Masters golf tournament on television between naps, your Governor was actually there watching it first-hand. Apparently, Doyle was looking for the answer to Wisconsin’s skyrocketing unemployment rate somewhere off the fairway on the 13th. (He swears it went just left of that pine tree, but can’t seem to find it.)

Steve Walters at the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel had the nerve to ask the Governor how he paid to get down to Augusta for the event. Doyle’s press secretary steadfastly insisted that no taxpayer money was used to get the governor to Georgia – only campaign funds had been used.

Which would be fine, if state law considered flying to the Masters golf tournament an acceptable disbursement of campaign funds. In fact, it does not.

According to the State Elections Division of the Government Accountability Board:

Wisconsin law restricts the use of campaign funds. Money in a candidate’s campaign account may be spent for political purposes only. The State Elections Board has not expanded on the definition of political purpose with specific examples in the form of an administrative rule. The candidate is responsible for ensuring that campaign finances are spent for political purposes and not for personal or governmental purposes.

Without this restriction, campaign funds could just be used for whatever current or ex-candidates wanted to – like buying big screen televisions, cars, or trips to see the Masters. Of course, Doyle has said that his trip down to Augusta was for a phony concurrent Democratic Governors Association meeting, which would make it for a “political purpose.”

Right.

I’d LOVE to see all the official “political” business they took care of while drinking beers and watching the golf tournament at the Augusta National Golf Club. In fact, through multiple secret sources, I was actually able to secure a copy of the minutes of the Democratic Governors Association meeting from Augusta last week:

THE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNORS ASSOCIATION MEETING OF THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 2009

11:08 AM – KANSAS GOVERNOR KATHLEEN SEBELIUS calls the meeting to order and takes roll.

11:10 – PENNSYLVANIA GOVERNOR ED RENDELL makes a motion to “hurry this sh** up.” Motion passes.

11:11 – OHIO GOVERNOR TED STRICKLAND made a motion declaring “Monsters Versus Aliens” in 3-D the “awesomest thrill ride” of the summer. Motion passed.

11:13 – NEW YORK GOVERNOR DAVID PATERSON showed up late, complaining that the guards at the front gate wouldn’t let him in. Awkward silence ensues, as governors realize Paterson doesn’t know that he’s black.

11:14 – WISCONSIN GOVERNOR JIM DOYLE thinks they should take moment to recognize the tough economy and all the sacrifices working families are having to make while unemployment skyrockets. He then screams “there’s too much orange juice in this mimosa!” and slams his glass on a country club servant boy’s head.

11:15 – VIRGINIA GOVERNOR TIM KAINE notices that the bowl of peanuts is getting low; immediately calls the White House, asking for more stimulus funds to get some more damn peanuts.

11:16 – NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR JON CORZINE announces he can’t wait for Rod Stewart Week this year on American Idol. Motion passes, although strangely, no motion was made.

11:17 – MARYLAND GOVERNOR MARTIN O’MALLEY, fresh off his third keg stand, declares to MICHIGAN GOVERNOR JENNIFER GRANHOLM that the alphabet would be “a lot hotter if they put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.”

11:18 – MEETING ADJOURNED.

11:19 – Wisconsin loses 300 jobs to a state that’s 70% underwater while its Democratic governor enjoys the Masters’ Tournament with legally questionable campaign funds.

Fortunately for Doyle, it was this meeting that made it okay for him to use his campaign funds for a personal purpose. Unfortunately, the working people of Wisconsin don’t have campaign funds that allow them to fly away to phony conferences for the week.

Imagine my wife’s surprise when I tell her that the next meeting of the “Wisconsin Think Tank Blogger’s Association” will be held at the Miss Hawaiian Tropic Pageant in Daytona Beach. There, I can raise a styrofoam cup of beer to the poor people left jobless by the recession.

Is the Recession Hitting Felons Too Hard?

April 9, 2009 / Christian / 10 Comments

When a recession hits, we all focus on the government policies that are most immediate to the economic downturn: unemployment, income, taxes, debt, etc. But in the “never waste a crisis” vein, it appears Wisconsin Democrats are trying to parlay the recession into a major change in the way we deal with those who have committed crimes.

The most obvious example to date is Governor Jim Doyle’s plan to save the state money by granting early release to up to 3,500 “nonviolent” offenders in state prisons. Somehow, in a budget that Doyle claims “cuts” $5.9 billion, he was able to spend $500 million more on K-12 education to pacify the teachers’ unions, while reducing prison spending by $20 million. Perhaps the citizens of Wisconsin should form the “Association of People Who Don’t Like Being Stabbed in the Head,” give Doyle some campaign cash, and he might change his mind about letting criminals back on the streets early. Of course, these offenders will be hitting the streets at the very same time unemployment in Wisconsin has exceeded 8.5%, meaning they’re not exactly going to rush back to lives of productivity.

But legislative Democrats have an answer – they have begun circulating a bill they’ve dubbed the “Job Opportunity Tax Credit” that they boast gives businesses tax credits to hire certain people – veterans, poor high school students, ex-felons, people in vocational rehabilitation programs…

Oh, did I skip over that one too quickly? I’ll say it again.

EX-FELONS.

You read that right – their proposal would actually give a business a tax credit for hiring an ex-felon. Naturally, this gives the business a financial incentive to hire criminals over people who, say, may have managed to avoid molesting children or gunning someone down in the street. (I believe the bill exempts killing someone softly with love songs.)

Of course, we should encourage people who have served their time to make a living. Ex-cons (and even current-cons) are already protected by state law against employment discrimination for past arrest or conviction record, which gives them a decent chance at getting a job with employers who are fearful of a lawsuit if they don’t hire them. If they emerge from prison and can’t find meaningful employment, society is asking for a world of hurt.

But actually giving criminals preference for jobs simply goes too far. The world is officially upside down when someone can live on the straight-and-narrow their entire life, then lose out on a job opportunity specifically because someone else couldn’t. (Note to self: During my next job interview, I should actually jump over the desk and dump battery acid on the boss- then explain to his charred skeleton he should hire me because he’s now eligible for a tax credit. Everyone wins!)

Side note: How do you think veterans feel about being lumped in with ex-felons? If you hire an ex-con who is also a veteran, do you have to immediately have to make him the CEO of your company?

Showing that they also have a sense of humor, legislative Dems have also begun circulating a bill draft (LRB-0910) that would impose a one-year prison sentence on any legislator that engages in lobbying within one year of leaving office. The bill is an attempt to convince the public that legislators no longer in “the club” are the cause of corruption in our state – not the current legislators who agree to be corrupted by lobbyists. As if everyone will forget who a representative is a full year after they leave office. Maybe we should erase their pictures from all the old Blue Books just to be safe.

So, apparently, our prisons are so overcrowded, we have to let 3,500 offenders out, but we have plenty of room for “violent” offenders like lawmakers who get a job lobbying after they quit.

Here are some crimes considered to be “nonviolent” by the state:

Possession of explosives
Burglary
Incest
Causing mental harm to a child
Manufacture, distribution or delivery of drugs
Theft

So all you guys in the “incest” line – you can all go free. You legislators over there – you can take their cells.

Obviously, the recession hits everyone hard (except for, of course, state government, which will continue to grow.) But using the financial crisis to socially engineer changes that benefit those who have harmed others isn’t the “stimulus” we need.

They Really Like Us!

April 9, 2009 / Christian / 0 Comments

It appears Chris Cillizza from the Washington Post’s “The Fix” has listed our little blog as one of the “Best Wisconsin Blogs.” Six blogs from Wisconsin were picked, with five of them being conservative (Badger Blogger, Boots and Sabers, Wigderson Library and Pub, Lakeshore Laments, and WPRI.) Since it sounds better, I’ll say we’re one of the TOP FIVE conservative blogs in Wisconsin. And since it sounds even better, I’ll say we’re the NUMBER ONE conservative blog in Wisconsin named “WPRI.”

Clearly, Chris Cillizza isn’t sitting in his D.C. office reading all these blogs – so someone had to e-mail him to tell him about us. So whichever inmate nominated us, we sincerely appreciate it.

Top This, Kiddies

April 8, 2009 / Christian / 2 Comments

It was \”pick a song from the year you were born\” last night on American Idol. My TiVo cut off, so I didn\’t see the last performance – but it seemed to be a pretty uninspired night.

Generally, I spend a good 40% of my day just sitting around and complaining about what an old man I am. But when looking up songs from the year of my birth yesterday, I suddenly felt proud to have been born in 1973. For the #11 song of that year was the classic linked to below. Any one of you young whipper snappers that thinks they can top a 6 foot 7 long haired albino that alternates between the key-tar, the saxophone, the drums, and space sound effects – go ahead and try. Pure mustache-fueled joy.

Sadly, I missed this song by two years – but the upside is, if I was born in 1971, I wouldn\’t be able to go to the bathroom by myself.

UPDATE: I neglected to mention that the #4 song in the year of my birth was \”Let\’s Get it On,\” by Marvin Gaye. At first, I thought that this song may have been responsible for my mom becoming pregnant with me – but clearly, it had to happen in late 1972, as I was born in April of \’73. (I actually once asked my dad where the insemination took place, and he said he didn\’t know. I asked, \”are you sure you were there?\”)

Sadly, the list of 1972 songs is underwhelming. In scanning the list, a song called \”Popcorn\” by Hot Butter (#28) caught my eye, so I looked it up on YouTube. If this honestly was one of the top songs in 1972, then it\’s proof that the entire world was on the drugs. It\’s proof positive that we need to double down on the war on drugs – to save our children from songs like this:

If my parents created me to this song, then I disown them forever.

It All Comes Back to Campaign Finance

April 3, 2009 / Christian / 0 Comments

I really, sincerely, hadn’t planned on writing a lot about the current Supreme Court race in Wisconsin. But the stench has just gotten too thick – I can’t help but comment. I’m like one of those idiot criminals who shows up at the police station because they offer a free honey ham, then gets arrested. I just can’t help but get suckered in.

The other day, I wrote that because liberal Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson was in the lead, you weren’t hearing all the calls for campaign finance reform that you normally would if a conservative were running strong. It appears I may have spoken a bit too soon, as I underestimated the ability of the Eau Claire Leader-Telegram to twist the story to their liking. This appeared on the same day as my post:

At a forum addressing judicial campaign financing in Eau Claire last week, Wisconsin Democracy Campaign Director Mike McCabe pointed out the similarities in education (the same law school), professional experience (circuit court judges) and legal temperament (self-described “judicial conservatives”) between Koschnick and Gableman. Yet Gableman was able to defeat an incumbent Supreme Court justice last year while Koschnick is considered a long shot this year.

McCabe says the likely difference in electoral outcome has to do with dollar signs, and it’s hard to disagree with him.

Yes – who could disagree with such air-tight logic?

Or, it could be the fact that Shirley Abrahamson has spent 30 years on the court, as opposed to Louis Butler\’s 10 minutes. Perhaps they forgot that Butler had lost an election (to Diane Sykes), but was then installed on the court by Governor Doyle when a vacancy opened up – essentially overturning the results of the election. Sometimes voters bristle at being told they\’re not smart enough to pick their judges. Regardless, I think the fact that Shirley Abrahamson has become an institution in Wisconsin government might have just a little to do with her electoral strength.

Furthermore, it was because of the Butler/Gableman race that Abrahamson switched tactics, portraying herself as “tough on crime,” and “protecting our families.” This was a lesson Butler was slow to learn – and it may have cost him his seat. Abrahamson immediately recognized that her left flank was exposed on the crime issue, and tried to fortify it up front. (A year ago, I suggested she release a video of her chasing down and clubbing a burglar in her campaign commercials – oddly, my advice went unheeded.)

In fact, the goo-goos have it exactly backward. They believe Koschnick is a longshot because he had trouble raising money. In reality, it’s the other way around – Koschnick had trouble raising money because he’s perceived by conservatives as a longshot. And this isn’t because he’s a bad guy or a terrible judge – the groups that normally help conservative judges didn’t think he had a legitimate shot at beating a Supreme Court justice that joined the bench before man had invented utensils.

But this displays the desperation of the campaign finance reform crowd – when there’s a race where the candidates spend too much, money is the problem. When there’s a campaign where candidates spend too little, money is the problem. They seem to think they’ve got it surrounded – when in fact, there are a hundred things that explain what’s happening more clearly than merely campaign finance.

Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist