Tonight’s the night. Pour a glass of wine, light some candles, get the love oils out, and settle down with the one you love to watch “Here and Now” on public television together. I will be providing some moderately considered commentary at roughly the 24 minute mark.

For those in markets where it’s not on until Sunday, you can catch it online here. I’ll try to post my part on the site here after it’s on.

This may be the week that I finally get thrown off the air forever. So you may want to watch carefully.

I have to sheepishly admit that it took me a while to figure out what the whole Larry Craig deal was about. And I have to admit that when I found out that he was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places, I just said “is that it?”

As everyone knows now, Craig plead guilty to soliciting an undercover officer for sex in an airport bathroom. Craig steadfastly maintains that he’s not gay – although he’s pretty sure that the last couple of guys he hosed in bathroom stalls probably were. (Okay, I actually made that up.)

Liberals have jumped on Craig (not in that way), saying he’s a hypocrite for doing such things as opposing gay marriage. I actually think that makes him perfectly consistent – if you polled straight married guys, you’d find a lot of them are against marriage, as well. Craig is just sparing other gay couples the nagging and having to eat leftovers all the time.

What I find interesting is that there’s apparently some kind of bathroom code for soliciting sex. Sliding your foot under the door of the next stall is supposed to be a sign or something. Where exactly are these rules posted? If there was a website explaining the code, I propose they rename it it “Craigslist.” Assuming it’s not taken.

I suppose, in Craig’s defense, it’s entirely possible he just got the code mixed up. He could have thought the double-toe-tap actually meant “can I have some of your Doritos?”

There is a lesson here about airport bathrooms, though. Be very careful if you go into a stall while listening to your iPod and tapping your foot. You could end up in the middle of a hot man sandwich before you know it.

Anyway, if there was any question as to whether Craig is gay, this video should put that nasty rumor to rest:

Rumor has it that there is some sort of “baseball contest” being performed at Wrigley Field tonight. I, for one, would rather watch “Chocolate Rain” on a three hour loop than watch any more Brewer games this year:

By now, you may have heard about the Meng brothers, Chinese miners who had to go to extraordinary lengths to stay alive while trapped in a mine:

Trapped miners ate coal, drank urine

BEIJING – The Meng brothers felt pretty good about their chances of making it out of the collapsed coal mine, until the sound of digging from outside stopped. With no food or water, they were forced to eat coal and drink their own urine from discarded bottles. When they were too exhausted to try to dig themselves out, they slept huddled together in the cold and dark. Meng Xianchen and Meng Xianyou finally clawed their way to the surface after nearly six days underground — a rare tale of survival in China’s coal mines, the world’s deadliest, where an average of 13 workers are killed every day.

Now a question for Brewer fans – would you rather watch the Brewers play the Cubs for the upcoming three game series, or would you rather be trapped in a mine, forced to eat coal and drink your own urine? Take plenty of time to think about it.

POST GAME 1 UPDATE: It’s urine in a landslide.

Have you been looking to join the high-pressure world of counting things? Are you interested in the fast-moving job of reading pieces of paper and entering numbers on those papers into a computer?

According to this promotional video, you may be just enough of a thrill-seeker to work at… the Wisconsin Department of Revenue! Get ready for the nonstop action of poring over tax forms and entering that data into a computer.  Sense of adventure (and willingness to take short lunch breaks) required.

In the video, intended to get people fired up about the bean-counting over at DOR, it mentions that the agency is reponsible for “providing property tax relief for the taxpayers of Wisconsin.” Actually, the Legislature does that via changes in the law – DOR just cuts the checks.  In fact, there’d be a little more “property tax relief” available had DOR not spent money on this ridiculous video.   DOR taking credit for property tax relief shows they’re trying to fool prospective employees into thinking that all the calls they get from taxpayers are going to be friendly calls thanking them for all the wonderful tax relief they provide.

Oh, and did I mention that the DOR workforce is diverse?  They only point it out three times in the video.  As if some guy sitting at home in his underwear watching “The View” is going to turn down a job offer because DOR doesn’t employ enough Eskimos.

Of course, DOR is a vital department to the well-being of the state.  The more truant taxpayers they can track down, the less you will have to pay.  But it’s not exactly like they’re picking from a pool of recruits whose only options are to either join the Navy SEALS or enter data from tax forms into a computer.

11 Guys At The Playground

I was trying to find the name of a financial advisor in Madison, and ran into this guy, who seems to practice a unique brand of investing:

Jaime Zimmerman
Private Wealth Management
Vice President

“I work with a wide range of people from varied walks of life. For those in the community who are lesbian or gay, financial services and socially responsible investment advice are very crucial considerations. Many of my clients are gay or lesbian and I specialize in the financial challenges unique to the GLBT community.”

Look, I’m all for this guy trying to carve out his own niche in the investment business. He’s in downtown Madison, and it’s just smart to try to cater to the LGBT population. He’s probably an excellent financial advisor. And I would think there are differences in retirement and investment strategies for partners legally unable to be married.

But how, exactly, do you “gay up” your investment portfolio? Isn’t money money? “Yeah, Jamie, I’ve been a little disappointed in the loads of money you’ve been making me by investing in all these straight companies. Can you shift everything to the Vanguard Fabulous Fund?” How much money can you really make by investing solely in Subaru Outbacks? What exactly is the gay/straight exchange rate?

I watched Wisconsin’s own Steve Stricker win the Barclays golf tournament yesterday, which catapulted him into first place in the FedEx standings (whatever the hell those are). With the Brewers blowing more than Jenna Jameson, it is cool to see a good Wisconsin sports story.

But after Stricker made his final putt and got choked up during his post-win interview, I realized how much more important his win was. As he walked off the green, he got a big hug from fellow Wisconsin golfer Jerry Kelly, who was waiting for him. And in a small way, I though Kelly’s hug was so Wisconsin. I mean, here’s two guys who are friends from the same state, but constantly competing against each other. But when one succeeds, the other is there to show his appreciation and offer his congratulations.

There are plenty of golfers that hail from the same areas – mostly California and Florida – but you never see these guys wait for each other to congratulate their pals on winning a tournament. I hadn’t seen that before. And it just seems fitting that they’re Wisconsin guys. In a hokey way, it seems like that’s what we’re all about. Furthermore, I have never received a hug in Minnesota, so screw those guys.

Anyway, it was a nice touch on a day that I concluded that the Brewers have now shaved five years off of my life. When they deliver my eulogy, they should say “he lived a good life, but it could have been a lot longer if not for the 2007 Milwaukee Brewers.”

A few weeks ago, the HD Discovery Channel started running episodes of a show called “It’s All Geek to Me.” It’s a show hosted by New York Times technology columnist David Pogue, and offers reviews and tips on new technologies. (Although two months after filming, the episodes are usually out of date.)

The Discovery Channel posts what they call “show notes” that run through the suggestions found in the episodes. I found the notes relating to the show on cell phones pretty helpful. For instance:

Secret “get to the beep” keystrokes:

As noted in the show, you don’t have to listen to the endless outgoing greeting when you just want to leave someone a voicemail message. You can cut directly to the beep by pressing a certain key:
Verizon: press *
Sprint: press 1
T-Mobile or Cingular/AT&T: press #

At the end, I noted sadly that: “Of course, you have to know which carrier the person you’re calling uses, so you know which keystroke to use!”

This remains the fatal flaw of my genius idea (publicizing the “cut to the beep” keystrokes).
But here’s the genius solution: publicize it yourself! When you record your voicemail greeting, say, “Push star at any time to skip Verizon’s gibberish,” or whatever. That way, your callers hear your voice but not the recorded lady’s, and they don’t have to remember what the keystroke is.

I hereby charge the Pogue Army with the task of changing their outgoing cell phone messages, this very day. Let’s teach those cell carriers that they’re not going to run up our bill so easily!

And if you’re stuck and need free directory assistance:

Call 800-FREE-411. You have to listen to a 20-second ad, but it’s better than paying $2 to your carrier for directory assistance!

Or send a text message to GOOGL (46645) that says “Robert Gonzales 10024” (or whatever person or business you’re looking for). Google will send back the full name, address, and phone number, within just a few seconds.

BONUS TIP: After the show aired, a reader wrote to inform me that you can now have the best of both worlds. You can get FREE directory assistance, WITHOUT having to send a text message! Unfortunately, it’s only a Yellow Pages at the moment (business numbers only — not residential).

The hero again is Google. Just call 800-GOOG-411.

There’s even a free service for the times where you know you’re going to be in a boring meeting and want to have someone call you:

You can program http://www.popularitydialer.com to call your cell phone at a specified time, to get you out of a boring meeting or a bad date. It’s free — and it’s awesome!

You can go to the Discovery Channel website to see the tips David Pogue offers on laptop computers, digital cameras, video cameras, and other electronics products.

I was perusing some of my older CDs today, and ran across Motley Crue’s “Shout at the Devil.” In looking at the cover, I was noticing that all the guys in the band really had the glam look down. The whole ’80s hair band effeminate look. That is, all of them except Mick Mars. He’s just a terrible, terrible looking woman. Honestly, if I were to run into the Crue at a bar, he’d be the only one I’d have a chance to hook up with. See below:

The question is: At the time, do you think he was upset at being an ugly female, or did he carry it around as a badge of honor? Is being able to pass as a reasonably good looking chick a bonus? I could go either way on this. I need convincing.

No explanation necessary. The Japanese are insane.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsDbOMJOMgQ]

I went to the Madison West Side Barnes and Noble today to pick up Charlie Sykes’ book that came out today (The 50 Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School), and they were sold out. So was the Hilldale Borders. Finally, the Hilldale University Bookstore had a copy, but mainly because nobody actually shops at Hilldale.

So go get your copy, or order it online. I haven’t read much of it yet – I’m leaving that to the Andrew Bogut bobblehead in my office.

And congrats to local Wisconsin bloggers who show up in the book – Lance Burri, Rick Esenberg, and Tom McMahon. I’m not in it, but I will take full credit for the book’s Jessica Alba reference on Page 12. Fortunately, readers consider me Wisconsin’s foremost “Albatist,” so they send me pictures of her shopping without a bra on, etc.

Somehow, I don’t think this post is going to make it on to the dust cover of subsequent editions.

Anyway, go out and get your copy or order it online. Don’t be a cheap ass and check it out at the library.

Jim Doyle is touring the flooding in Western Wisconsin, and I have no doubt that Doyle is sincere about wanting to help the people underwater.

However, when I decided to run for Governor, my first promise to voters will be that I will never tour disaster sites. I mean, seriously – what is the purpose? It’s not like Doyle is swimming out and saving puppies stuck on rooftops or anything.

I will save the taxpayers the tax-funded photo-op. I’ll just have my advisors say to me the following:

“Okay, governor, shut your eyes and think of La Crosse. Now think about La Crosse with a lot of water in it. That’s pretty much what it’s like.” Then I will declare an emergency, write a check, and be done with it. And the money I would have spent on some bogus fly-over will go to flooding victims.

In fact, the only photo op that I will take advantage of will be when Lindsay Lohan inevitably comes to Madison to film “The Audrey Seiler Story.” Mark it down.

And I probably need to work a little on my campaign slogan: “Your ass is paying too much in taxes.”

When I initially saw this headline:

Paris Hilton defamation lawsuit settled

I immediately thought that some woman was accused of being Paris Hilton and sued the person for saying it. Sadly, it was a lawsuit filed based on something the actual Paris Hilton said.

For months, I have been anticipating seeing the movie “Superbad.” So I went by myself on Friday night, determined to brave the teenie crowd in search of hearty laughs.

And while it wasn’t the epic laugh-o-rama that I had expected, it was still pretty solid. If you’re among the throngs of YouTube viewers enthralled by the dirty trailer, then you’ve already seen about 80 percent of the movie’s best lines. The whole McLovin/cops storyline is hilarious, despite the underlying joke being wildly overused months before the movie even opened.

The main storyline dealing with the relationship between Seth (Jonah Hill) and Evan (Michael Cera) is a little less inspired. I’m certainly not allergic to profanity, but swear words alone do not a joke make. The first 15 minutes is just a profane diatribe without any actual punch lines or clever commentary. I guess you’re supposed to laugh at the familiarity of the topics (friends of mine and I discussed the “tuck and cover” maneuver decades ago), but it just seems like empty calories.

And I do have to admit that at my advanced age, all this sex talk by high schoolers is a little unsettling. Sure, I know that’s how it really is. But when they actually show some of these high school girls in certain sexual situations, I felt kind of creepy. I thought they might slap a GPS ankle monitor on me on the way out of the theater. Girls that young just can’t be having sex. I refuse to believe it. At that age, they certainly didn’t have sex with me. Maybe that’s why I’m having so much trouble picturing it.

That’s not to say that I wouldn’t recommend it. Michael Cera can’t help but be funny every second he’s on the screen. But beware of those who might say this is their generation’s “American Graffiti” or “Sixteen Candles.” It’s good enough, but doesn’t touch the classics.