Washington (AP) – Surrounded by family and friends, first-term toddler Congressman Benjamin Forville (R-VA) today tearfully announced that he has, on more than one occasion, pooped his pants. For days, Forville had denied accusations from his mother that he had dropped a load in his big boy drawers, and he confessed to doing so emotionally on Thursday. \”This is a painful day for me and my family,\” said Forville, adding, \”I would just hope now we can talk about the issues.\”
The revelations of this impropriety sent shock waves through Washington, as it is believed that House leadership sat on this stool for some time. Rumors of a renegade lincoln log surfaced early last week on the floor of Congress, when the House was debating a defense appropriation. When members became aware of the breach, Congressman Chris Cannon of Utah demanded that everyone be inspected, which led to him sniffing the butts of both Speaker Dennis Hastert and Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi at close range.
This news comes at a particularly bad time for Congressional Republicans, who are fighting to retain control of the House and Senate. \”Everyone knows that the Speaker of the U.S. House\’s number one priority should be overseeing the personal lives of each of his members, not running the legislative business of the country,\” said Pelosi. In fact, Congress recessed last week as Hastert ran to his office to call Forville to warn him not to rent \”The Family Stone\” if he intended on going to Blockbuster that night. \”Unfortunately, he didn\’t catch me in time, and I watched the whole disastrous thing,\” said Forville. \”That\’s kind of on him,\” he added.
Forville had been groomed from birth (three years ago) to represent Virginia\’s 4th Congressional District. When he was two, his parents began showing him \”Baby Feingold\” DVDs, which teach infants the value of self-love and unwavering belief in their own moral and intellectual superiority (told with giraffe puppets). Potty training is mandatory for members of Congress, with the exception of 124 year-old Robert Byrd of West Virginia.
Forville blamed his vigilante stool on his love of double malt scotch, and immediately checked into the Super Grover Treatment Center for Preschool Alcoholism. He is currently being allowed to stay in the suite that is being reserved for Britney Spears\’ children when they turn three.