You know you\’re officially a parent when you look at the Wiggles website and swear out loud when you find out they\’re not bringing their live show anywhere near your hometown.

I am now going to put my head in the oven.

I was going to comment on the ubiquitous John Mellencamp Chevy commercials that feature Rosa Parks, Hurrican Katrina, and 9/11 images to sell trucks, but Bill Simmons at ESPN.com summed it up nicely:

That reminds me, we didn\’t get a breakout promo for a new Fox show this month (although \”Justice\” feels like it\’s about to break into an SNL sketch at any time), but after everything\’s said and done, we\’ll remember these playoffs for four haunting words: \”This is our … country.\” We couldn\’t get away from the song all month in the Chevy ads, and about 109 days after it had become completely intolerable — seriously, what does Katrina footage have to do with me wanting to buy a Chevy? — they made us wait over a minute before Game 2\’s pregame performance, which would have been the most horrifying moment of the playoffs if not for Bob Seger\’s teeth on HDTV. I made a joke in a previous column about how John Mellencamp was gunning to replace Seger as the sellout rock artist of his generation, but this has taken on a life of its own.

In fact, I even spent a few minutes on his Web site recently hoping to find SOME explanation, even if it was something like, \”Guys, I\’m sorry, I\’m going through a bad divorce, my wife took everything, it was either do these Chevy ads or declare for bankruptcy.\” But here was his actual take on the song, courtesy this weekend of the Detroit Free-Press, which reported that a message on his Web site said: \”I wrote this song to tell a story about some of the challenges our country faces and how our beliefs and ideals can help us meet them, a message of hope and tolerance. It\’s a song that is all about standing up for the working people who are the backbone of our nation.\”

Here\’s how that same message reads on his Web site right now:

\”About a year ago, I wrote this song to tell a story about some of the challenges our country faces and how our beliefs and ideals can help us meet them. This partnership with Chevy — an American company that is creating jobs and supporting our communities — makes perfect sense for a song that is all about standing up for the working people who are the backbone of our nation.\”

Hmmmm … Quote No. 1 sure reads differently than Quote No. 2! But let\’s assume that he meant everything he said in Quote No. 2, and that he\’s not just shilling this song to make money and promote his new album that comes out in four months. And let\’s factor in his outspoken views against the war in Iraq and our own government over the past few years (explained in this open letter). What does any of this have to do with a Chevy Silverado?

He can\’t possibly expect us to believe the \”partnership with an American company\” angle, right? So was he thinking, \”I\’m not getting my political message across, maybe I\’ll do it secretly through a Chevy ad?\” Does he have a master plan to use these never-ending ads to increase his visibility, then use that visibility to take more shots at the government? Or am I putting way too much thought into this subject because they won\’t stop showing the ads and they\’re beginning to drive me crazy?

And in his most recent column:

On an unrelated note, I thoroughly enjoyed this e-mail from George in Chicago: \”What is your problem with the \’This is Our Country\’ Chevy truck ads? Whoever thought that Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, the Vietnam War, Watergate, western wildfires, Hurricane Katrina, and 9/11 should be bunched together to sell a truck is a genius! When Chevy opens a new ad campaign for the Malibu, they should use the same song with a montage of the AIDS crisis, the Rodney King beating, Kurt Cobain\’s suicide, the O.J. trial, the Oklahoma City bombing, the Columbine massacre, and the Abu Ghraib prison photos. You\’re telling me you wouldn\’t want to buy a Malibu after seeing that?\”

UNRELATED SIDE NOTE: Courtney Love sold her share of the Nirvana music rights for $50 million. If you happen to take part in a Death Pool, Courtney Love with $50 million in her pocket is about as solid of a lock as there is. Add her to your list before it\’s too late.

The national Republican Party is sending out an e-mail to bloggers that rips Tennessee U.S. Senate candidate Harold Ford. Only problem is, it shows that he\’s awesome.

From the e-mail:

After denying he attended a playboy party numerous times, Harold Ford has finally decided to come clean, explaining “I like football and I like girls.”

You can see video here.

Now wait a minute – this is supposed to make him look bad? Of course, the charge is that he previously lied about attending the party, which I guess isn\’t great. I\’m confused about why he would feel the need to deny it in the first place. What I can guarantee is that Ford is about to receive a large special interest donation from the Tennessee Association of Blind Guys with Hairy Palms.

When they introduce another campaign finance reform bill at the federal level, I propose it contain a provision allowing candidates to lie at least once about whether they like naked women. And someone might want to check into Mark Foley\’s claims that he never attended a boy scout jamboree.

The RNC is running a TV ad against Ford accusing him of cavorting with playmates and accepting money from porn producers. As I\’ve argued before, there\’s nothing wrong with accepting money from purveyors of porn – they have First Amendment rights, too. The only problem would occur when Ford introduces the \”Give It To Me Harder Act of 2007\” as a reward.

I might have to run down to Tennessee and cast my vote for Ford. Do you need a photo ID down there?

I hadn\’t planned on posting anything tonight, but I was compelled to based on a ridiculous documentary I just viewed from my treadmill. The PBS show \”NOW\” aired an appalling hour-long love letter to the campaign finance reform movement, which they refer to throughout the show as the \”clean elections movement.\” And of course, they claim it\’s bipartisan, since they find some Republican named Woodcock that\’s funding his gubernatorial campaign with taxpayer money.

I\’d be surprised if 90% of the show isn\’t spent cheerleading for full public financing of campaigns. And the other 10% features some barely functional egghead trying to explain the basic concept of why not allowing voters to speak is an infringement on free speech. Rarely has a documentary been so clueless about how actual campaigns are run.

If you can stomach it, you can follow the link to watch the full hour long video here. I think my wife thought I fell off the treadmill, I was yelling at the TV so much.

It seems fitting that a public television system that wastes taxpayer money on slanted garbage like NOW finds no problem in wasting taxpayer money to run political campaigns.

P.S. – On the main page, there’s a poll question that asks, “Are campaign contributions a form of free speech?” The results – “Yes,” 8%, “No” 86%. Any question about who watches PBS again?

I don\’t really have much to say about the now infamous gubernatorial commercial featuring impartial observer Michael J. Fox that other blogs won\’t cover in detail. With all the chatter it has produced, Doyle probably doesn\’t need to run it a single time. I certainly think the ad says a lot more about Jim Doyle than it does about Michael J. Fox. One is a poor guy pleading for his life, while the other is willing to cash in on that desperation.

I was going to crack a joke about Doyle\’s next ad being Tina Yothers pleading for stem cells to cure her fatness – she\’s on Celebrity Fit Club 4 – which led to this instant messenger discussion with my pal Evil Grossmouth. We sound like we\’re out getting our nails done at the salon.

York: Will stem cells cure Tina Yothers\’ obesity?

York: She\’s on \”Celebrity Fit Club 4\”

York: HUGE

Grossmouth: She was kind of huge right around Family Ties time, wasn\’t she? or is that a recent thing?

York: I think that\’s pretty recent.

Grossmouth: Interesting.

Grossmouth: By what definition is Tina Yothers a celebrity? (looks up VH1 Website)

Grossmouth: OK, so the Snapple Lady is a \”celebrity\” according to VH1

York: As is Ted Lange

Grossmouth: Who I have never heard of

York: Isaac the bartender on Love Boat!

Grossmouth: Good God.

Grossmouth: Who is Angie Stone?

York: Singer, I think

Grossmouth: Who is Bone Crusher?

York: I know the answer, but I am ashamed to admit it

York: He was in Bone Thugs n\’ Harmony

Grossmouth: Is that chick from Wilson Phillips? I thought she just had stomach stapling
recently?

York: EXACTLY. Carnie Wilson – formerly known as Carne Asada.

York: How fair is it that she gets to be on this show?

Grossmouth: Who are Erika and Nick? I\’ve never heard of any of these people.

Grossmouth: Tina Yothers looks like she\’s auditioning for the role of Monica Lewinsky in a Bill Clinton biopic.

Grossmouth: And what would a fat show be without a guy from the Sopranos?

York: Carnie Wilson is officially the Barry Bonds of Celebrity Fit Club

Grossmouth: Everyone hates her?

York: She\’s a damn cheater!

York: That would be like having a spelling bee where only one contestant gets to use all the letters

York: You can\’t let someone who has had their stomach stapled on the show!

York: I\’m outraged

Grossmouth: How must the doctor who did her surgery feel? Her presence on that show is a walking advertisement that he sucks as a doctor.

Grossmouth: By the way, you should just cut and paste this exchange and post it.

York: I may

Grossmouth: The public deserves to know this stuff

Washington (AP) – Surrounded by family and friends, first-term toddler Congressman Benjamin Forville (R-VA) today tearfully announced that he has, on more than one occasion, pooped his pants. For days, Forville had denied accusations from his mother that he had dropped a load in his big boy drawers, and he confessed to doing so emotionally on Thursday. \”This is a painful day for me and my family,\” said Forville, adding, \”I would just hope now we can talk about the issues.\”

The revelations of this impropriety sent shock waves through Washington, as it is believed that House leadership sat on this stool for some time. Rumors of a renegade lincoln log surfaced early last week on the floor of Congress, when the House was debating a defense appropriation. When members became aware of the breach, Congressman Chris Cannon of Utah demanded that everyone be inspected, which led to him sniffing the butts of both Speaker Dennis Hastert and Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi at close range.

This news comes at a particularly bad time for Congressional Republicans, who are fighting to retain control of the House and Senate. \”Everyone knows that the Speaker of the U.S. House\’s number one priority should be overseeing the personal lives of each of his members, not running the legislative business of the country,\” said Pelosi. In fact, Congress recessed last week as Hastert ran to his office to call Forville to warn him not to rent \”The Family Stone\” if he intended on going to Blockbuster that night. \”Unfortunately, he didn\’t catch me in time, and I watched the whole disastrous thing,\” said Forville. \”That\’s kind of on him,\” he added.

Forville had been groomed from birth (three years ago) to represent Virginia\’s 4th Congressional District. When he was two, his parents began showing him \”Baby Feingold\” DVDs, which teach infants the value of self-love and unwavering belief in their own moral and intellectual superiority (told with giraffe puppets). Potty training is mandatory for members of Congress, with the exception of 124 year-old Robert Byrd of West Virginia.

Forville blamed his vigilante stool on his love of double malt scotch, and immediately checked into the Super Grover Treatment Center for Preschool Alcoholism. He is currently being allowed to stay in the suite that is being reserved for Britney Spears\’ children when they turn three.

I\’m midway through Peter Baker and Susan Glasser\’s excellent book Kremlin Rising: Vladimir Putin\’s Russia and the End of Revolution, and I just had to pass on a couple of entertaining tidbits.

The overarching theme of the book is that Putin is no joke. From his KGB background to his imprisonment of independent publishers critical of the Kremlin, to his campaigns of misinformation, to his insistence on escalating the brutal war with Chechnya, it is clear that Putin does not F around. A couple stories, however, stand out as particularly interesting.

Many of you remember August 12th of 2000, when the Russian submarine Kursk sank. The sub, which was designed to destroy U.S. aircraft carriers, sunk to the bottom of the ocean when one of its own torpedoes exploded, instantly killing 118 of the crewmen.

The immediate reaction of Putin\’s government was to deny anything bad had happened. As the facts became known in the days and weeks following the accident, the Kremlin continued its campaigns of misinformation, saying the sub may have been struck by an enemy naval fleet.

A meeting was held between relatives of the crew and military officers six days after the Kursk sank. At the meeting, Nadezhya Tylik, one of the mothers of the crew members killed in the accident, stood up and began justifiably ripping the military rescue efforts. While she was delivering her tirade, a female military medic snuck up behind Tylik and injected her through her heavy coat with a tranquilizer that caused her knees to buckle. As she fell to the floor, the medic and others ushered the incapacitated mother back to her seat, as if she had a heart attack.

This unbelievable event was captured on film, and pictures are available here.

Some other interesting tidbits:

Page 39: \”It did not take much for Putin to genuinely impress a country fed up with Yeltsin. Sobriety alone became a major element of Putin\’s appeal, in contrast to his frequently drunken predecessor; one poll found that 40 percent of Russians said the quality they admired most in the new president was that he was sober.\”

If I ever run for office, I am most certainly making this part of my platform:

\”Vote Dennis York: Only Occasionally Drunk!\”

—————————————————————-

Here\’s a little something for Kevin Barrett and his gang of lunatics – evidence exists that Russia actually planned apartment bombings against itself in an attempt to blame them on the Chechnens and drum up support for the war. On September 22, 1999, two witnesses saw two men and a woman walk into an apartment building basement with a number of bags. When the cops got there, they found bags of hexogen, a crystalline explosive, and a timer set for 5:30 AM. While the local authorities believed they thwarted a bombing attempt, the FSB (successor to the KGB) took control of the powder and announced that it was actually just sugar, and that nobody was ever in danger. Of course, they destroyed all the \”sugar,\” preventing further tests.

—————————————————————–

When Putin worked in the Kremlin for Yeltsin, he went to great lengths to crush anyone that challenged the authority of his boss. In 1999, Russia\’s prosecutor general, Yuri Skutarov, began nosing around some of the business dealings of the Yeltsin family. In March of 1999, state television aired a grainy video in which a naked man that looks like Skutarov has sex with two women identified as prostitutes. The prosecutor said it wasn\’t him, but Putin publicly declared the video \”authentic,\” which forced Skutarov\’s resignation.

Now that\’s corruption done the right way. What part of this has the Doyle administration not picked up on? If you\’re going to take part in some sketchy stuff, make sure it\’s more entertaining than boring old travel contracts.

Today a friend of mine was trying to mail a fat envelope, hoping that they could get by with just a regular stamp. I can imagine the snide comments big letters get when they get to the post office:

Letter 1: \”Can you believe that letter thinking she can squeeze into a 39 cent stamp?\”

Letter 2: \”I noticed she had been putting on a little weight, but I was afraid to tell her.\”

Envelopes can be so unforgiving.

I\’m feeling kind of sick tonight, so no heavy duty blogging.

Instead, I thought I\’d shine a little light on what a dork I was in my teenage years. When I was in high school, I got my hands on one of my Dad\’s Woody Allen paperback books, Side Effects. In reading it, I immediately decided I wanted to write stories just like that – this is before I even really knew him as a filmmaker (I was probably 14). His short story writing style is completely different from his work writing screenplays, and to be honest, I much prefer it.

From \”My Speech to the Graduates,\” in Side Effects:

\”More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.\”

Anyway, here\’s a link to one of Woody Allen\’s short stories, \”The Whore of Mensa,\” from his book Without Feathers. Good way to knock off about 10 minutes.

A few years ago, some friends of mine got together and shot this video. Hope you like it, and good luck getting the song out of your head. Who said the day of the great music video is over?

(The chances of you adopting a fake Swedish accent and mock dancing for your co-workers just rose to 100%)

H/T, Dave Barry

Madison – In an unprecedented legal maneuver, the Wisconsin Democracy Campaign today filed a complaint against Jesus H. Christ for his advocacy on behalf of his father, our Lord. “When Jesus goes around pushing the Lord as our savior, he needs to include the proper disclaimer,” said noted idiot Mike McCabe. “We all know that deeply held religious views are what are corroding our state,” said McCabe. As a result of the ruling, God will have to recall all of his campaign literature, commonly known as “The Bible.”

Earlier this week, McCabe filed a complaint against the Madison Catholic diocese, which had the gall to urge their members to vote for the ban on gay marriage in Wisconsin. Coincidentally, that happens to be an official church teaching. Apparently immune to irony, McCabe’s “nonpartisan” organization has urged voters to oppose the marriage ban, yet still refuses to disclose his donors. In fact, the only campaign that McCabe failed to influence was the democratic primary in which he actually ran as a candidate, and was beaten by a 4 to 1 margin.

When reached for comment, Christ said he opposes gay marriage, but in fairness, also opposes marriage between straight ugly people. “I’m being crucified for this. I mean, Jesus Christ, what’s the big deal?” said the Son of God. The Lord has been locked in an eternal struggle with the Devil for universal supremacy that has recently turned ugly, with the introduction of a new Satanic television ad that criticizes God for being soft on tsunamis.

The complaint also alleges Christ failed to list his gift of eternal salvation to mankind as an in-kind contribution, when it is clearly valued at around $75. A judge sentenced Christ to 30 hours of community service, where he will help the poorest of Wisconsin’s citizens by granting them more minutes on their monthly cell phone plans.

In a rare use of his omnipotence following the trial, Christ turned McCabe into a plate of potatoes au gratin, which instantly raised McCabe’s IQ by 30 points. The Democracy Campaign also filed a motion prohibiting the Church from teaching the story of Jesus caring for the lepers, instead directing priests to refer to them as “partial Americans.” The popular Judy Blume book “Are You There God?, It’s Me, Margaret” will also be pulled from elementary school libraries, as it clearly constitutes issue advocacy.

In related news, 6 year old Simon Benjamin of New Glarus informed his mother that her instructions to clean up his room weren’t valid, as she had not turned in the required paperwork.

Authorized and Paid for By Anyone With Any F-ing Common Sense

I\’m sorry, I still can\’t get over this story:

Dog Saves Owner, Dies Trying to Save Cat

ELKHART LAKE, Wis. Oct 16, 2006 (AP)— After a disabled woman\’s cat started a house fire, her specially trained dog came to the rescue, then died trying to help the cat still in the house. Jamie Hanson said the 13-year-old dog named Jesse brought the phone so she could call 911 and also brought her artificial leg.

This is the most heroic dog in our state\’s history. The dog brought the woman her artificial leg and the phone so she could call 911. Then, he selflessy went in to save the cat, who he probably hated and just knew started the damn fire. And he gave his life to do so.

I propose naming at least one humane society in the state after my man Jesse. May the toilets in heaven always provide you with fresh drinking water, my friend.

One of Governor Jim Doyle’s key talking points against challenger Mark Green has been Green’s supposed fiscal irresponsibility as a member of Congress. In a television ad currently running, Doyle paints himself as a responsible budgeter, while Congress has been “spending like crazy.”

In the first gubernatorial debate, Doyle tried to hammer this point home:

\”This is going to be a lot about how they\’ve done things in Washington compared to how they do them in Madison,\” said Doyle. \”We\’ve balanced our budget . . . as opposed to a federal deficit that has just grown and grown and grown.\”

In the second debate, Doyle stayed on message:

Doyle twice accused Green of lecturing him, which the governor said was hardto take given what he said was the inability of Congress to balance the federal budget or reform health care. \”I\’ve seen Washington fail us over and over,\” Doyle said.

Set aside, for a moment, the idea that Wisconsin’s budget is actually balanced. State law requires it to be, on a cash basis. So if Doyle hadn’t “balanced” the budget, he’d be breaking the law. Additionally, Doyle’s enormous transfers of one time money and budgeting gimmicks have actually left the state with a $1.5 billion hole to fill in the next budget, when you account for future obligations.

What’s more interesting is Doyle’s sudden aversion to federal spending. When the federal government spends money, a large chunk of that spending goes to the states to fill their budget holes. In the current biennial budget, federal spending makes up 25% of total state spending ($13.5 billion) – primarily for big ticket items like Medical Assistance. If this money were cut, the state would have a huge hole to fill, and Doyle would have to make a decision to either cut senior benefits or raise taxes to pay for them. Somehow, I think he’d just prefer the federal money.

The gods of irony were laughing especially hard this week, when Doyle proposed a brand-new program to provide $4.25 million in increased dental care for kids. And where did Doyle find the money to spend on his pre-election gimmick? That’s right – it’s the same federal money that he complains about when it’s politically expedient. Just last month, Doyle actually tried to play politics with Medicaid money, complaining that Green wasn\’t spending enough. If Congress hadn’t had an itchy spending finger, Doyle would have to fund his campaign pandering out of pocket.

One needs only to think back to the last couple of state budgets to find Doyle at the federal government’s doorstep with his hand out, begging for more money. In the 2003-05 budget, Doyle relied on a complicated federal billing scheme known as the Intergovernmental Transfer Program to plug a $400 million state budget hole. In the end, it was money that didn\’t fully materialize. During that budget, Doyle was singing a different tune about federal spending:

In his speech, Doyle promised to fight hard for the additional $408 million – which he needs to pay for future health-care programs.

\”Washington is taking its usual position of saying they won\’t pay,\” Doyle said. \”Democrats and Republicans are in this together, and we all need to make Wisconsin\’s taxpayers get their fair share under the law.\”

Doyle plans to bill the federal government for the past three years of Medicaid costs, hoping to draw $580 million more in federal funds, since Washington pays 60% of the program. After costs of the deal are subtracted, Doyle said state government would net $408 million more.

Incidentally, I eagerly anticipate Doyle criticizing Democratic Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin for Congress “spending like crazy.” A brief look at Baldwin’s press releases shows how proud she is of all the spending she brings back to Madison. In fact, at a recent Wispolitics.com lunch event, Baldwin openly bragged that she just topped the $150 million mark in bringing resources back to her district (click here and fast forward to the 10:15 mark). Surely, an aggressive federal deficit hawk like Doyle would disapprove of such reckless spending increases.

Isn\’t Doyle criticizing Green for federal spending increases a little like being angry at your pimp for buying a new pinky ring? Doyle is dependent on the billions of dollars the federal government sends him to make his budget whole. Rather than criticize Green, who as one of 535 members of Congress really doesn’t have much say over federal spending levels, maybe Doyle should actually be thanking him for the cash. Without it, how else would Doyle run his campaign?

There\’s an old saying the politics is Hollywood for ugly people. If that were the case, I\’d be the Leonardo DiCaprio of Wisconsin Politics.

This Washington Post Story is a prime reason why you\’ll never see Dennis York for Congress:

…Attractive politicians have an edge over not-so-attractive ones. The phenomenon is resonating especially this year. By a combination of luck and design, Democrats seem to be fielding an uncommonly high number of uncommonly good-looking candidates.

The beauty gap between the parties, some on Capitol Hill muse, could even be a factor in who controls Congress after Election Day.

Democratic operatives do not publicly say that they went out of their way this year to recruit candidates with a high hotness quotient. Privately, however, they acknowledge that, as they focused on finding the most dynamic politicians to challenge vulnerable Republicans, it did not escape their notice that some of the most attractive prospects were indeed often quite attractive.

Of course, one of the \”hot\” candidates that they mention is U.S. Senate candidate Harold Ford of Tennessee, who kind of looks like a martian – so they may be conconcting a \”trend\” that isn\’t necessarily there. I guess \”hot\” in politics applies to anyone that doesn\’t resemble a sleestak.

In looking for pictures for one of my past posts, I ran across a Flikr.com photo album of fathers and sons. It looks like anyone can post a picture with their kid, and a lot of them will make you go \”awwwwww….\” I also think you can watch them as a slide show.

You can see it here, and there\’s one of mothers and daughters here.