I think we can all agree that UW lecturer Kevin Barrett is nuts. We also can all agree that he is now the most publicized crazy person in the state, and is loving every minute of it. He\’s probably sitting back at his house, smoking a cigar and playing poker with Tim Osman, laughing his unsettling beard off. They are likely cooking up another conspiracy theory about how Dick Cheney is responsible for the horrific destruction of Star Jones\’ career.

The case against Barrett teaching at the UW is an easy one. He\’s obviously delusional, and the University is hemorrhaging as a result of his unfortunate hiring. While teams of bloggers have done excellent jobs dismantling his delirious rants, I wanted to challenge myself to see if I could make the case for Barrett. I did this exercise a while back for Jim Doyle when Georgia Thompson was indicted, and if I may humbly say so, I think he should have followed my advice.

So if I were the UW-Madison, my statement would look something (although a little more formal) like this:

Every workplace environment has people with unorthodox opinions who may harbor questionable conspiracy theories. It may be Willie in your office\’s mailroom, or it may be the president of your company. In the case of the UW System, which has over 40,000 employees, it could be a janitor, it could be a department head, or a softball coach. In the Kevin Barrett case, it happened to be a first year part-time lecturer.

Followers of the UW-Madison know well that Barrett\’s teachings on 9/11 aren\’t exactly the first conspiracy theories to be floated in the halls of the University. For decades, the UW has had a reputation for being a place where all theories are welcome, no matter how unconventional. Radical thinking is as much a part of the fabric of the UW-Madison as Bucky Badger is (rumor has it Bucky is a Holocaust denier). During the Vietnam era, some of the theories kicking around the UW\’s halls make Barrett\’s \”inside job\” theory sound like an Ann Coulter production.

Students in Barrett\’s class are adults who are free to either challenge his views, or research them further. Needless to say, after the media coverage of Barrett\’s views, no student will walk into his class without knowing what they are getting into. Vice President Dick Cheney actually credited the radical thinkers at UW-Madison with helping him become a better conservative while a grad student there, as he constantly worked to disprove many of the campus theories of the time.

Firing Barrett at this time for his views wouldn\’t be wise for the University. Recently, the UW-Madison took swift action against a Dean who was accused of improper conduct after much pressure from politicians. Now the University is embroiled in endless expensive legal wrangling to justify the firing, and it is entirely possible that a court will rule that he must be reinstated at his original salary. We will continue to monitor Barrett\’s curriculum to make sure his students are presented an opportunity to challenge any assertions or opinions expressed in his class.

There is no doubt that Kevin Barrett\’s views are controversial. But the UW cannot set the precedent of \”human resources by press release.\” The idea that taxpayers are paying for Barrett is misleading, as tax money continues to constitute less than 20% of the total UW budget. Barrett is primarily funded by tuition money – tuition paid for by students that are free to take his class or to decide not to take his class.

Someday, there will be a professor or lecturer that espouses unpopular conservative views, and the faculty may apply pressure to have that person removed. In that case, as in the Barrett case, we will stand up for the right of our faculty to challenge their students to either prove or disprove the theories to which they are exposed. We will continue to support our employees, regardless of their personal opinions – unless they are Chicago Bears fans, in which case they will be immediately dismissed.

I\’m not sure if I\’m even buying it, but I gave it a shot, purely out of boredom. In my next post, watch me defend orange juice against misleading claims of being \”low pulp.\”

Thanks to this lawsuit, Allen Heckard will no longer be mistaken for someone who isn\’t a complete moron.

You see, Heckard has lived a tough life – he is often mistaken for Michael Jordan, despite being six inches shorter than Jordan himself. And because at least one person a day thinks that Michael Jordan has shrunk six inches and lives in Northeast Portland, Heckard feels harrassed when they are mistaken for each other. Thus, he has done what any thinking person would do – sue Jordan and Nike for $832 million because of the pain and suffering he has endured due to looking like Mike.

And what has Heckard done to make sure this horrible injustice never occurs again? Well, he… wears his pair of Air Jordans around.

In related news, I have begun legal proceedings myself, as the ladies are constantly telling me I look like a white Denzel.

Last week, the Green Bay Press Gazette decided to do a lengthy story about State Capitol goings-on during the summer. In the article, they quoted a homeless dude that apparently hangs out in the basement:

The biggest difference that Elliott Smith sees in the legislative off-session is that the basement cafeteria is less crowded.

Smith, originally from Texas but now homeless, says he seeks refuge in the Capitol in the daytime.

\”I come here like a lot of people do who are homeless,\” said Smith, 52. \”I like the quiet so I can think about what I want to do to stop being homeless.\”

So…. he sits around in the basement of the Capitol all day so he can think about how not to be homeless? Has it occurred during these intense soul-searching sessions that maybe it would help him to get off his ass and get a job? And remember, taxpaying visitors to the Capitol – keep it down. Elliot prefers smelling like Wild Turkey and three day old urine in a quiet and serene environment. If you see him face down on a bench in the Capitol basement, do not disturb him. He isn\’t passed out – he\’s merely exhausted from his rigorous mental workload, and likely on a lunch break.

And he\”seeks refuge?\” From what? Soap? Responsibility?

SIDE NOTE: Smith is not to be confused with the late/great singer Elliott Smith, who apparently committed suicide by stabbing himself in the heart. That, my friends, is how A MAN kills himself.

Apparently my wife equipped our home with some kind of lifesaving device that detects carbon dioxide and other dangerous gases within the home. Until the other night, I barely even noticed that the stupid thing was in our bedroom. Needless to say, my parents were less than concerned about noxious gas, as I had never seen one of those before in my life. Somehow, people have been able to live comfortably for thousands of years without one of these dopey things.

So, anyway, I\’m in our room the other night watching the Brewers and chowing down on some potato chips and dip. My daughter was sleeping comfortably. And let\’s just say I was feeling some… intestinal distress, accompanied perhaps by the occasional \”one cheek sneak.\” Don\’t judge me – you all do it.

As you can guess, suddenly alarms started going off in the house with flashing lights and loud sirens. I ran over to unplug the damn thing, but it had a battery that was secured by a screw, and I didn\’t happen to have a phillips head on me. I finally took it and threw it outside to keep it from piercing my eardrums. My daughter woke up and started crying, my wife thought the house was on fire, and I think the neighbors started gathering outside my house to see what the commotion was. It wouldn\’t have surprised me to see fire trucks and police cars race up to my house, with crowds of people crying and covering their faces. Men in Hazmat suits would cover my house with a giant bubble while the American Red Cross sets up trauma centers up and down the street.

So the question is…

Could I have set the thing off? Am I a walking DNR clean air violation? Someone has to know how those things work. Settle a bet for me. My wife thinks it was me, while I think there\’s no way that\’s how those things work.

SIDE NOTE: There\’s nothing worse than eating a half a bag of potato chips, then realizing after the fact that they were Olestra chips. At that point, you become a ticking time bomb. You just have to sit there and look at the clock for a half hour before the stomach pains start – you\’re a dead man walking. It\’s like the walk to the bathroom suddenly becomes The Green Mile.

Like many other bloggers out there, I routinely frequent The Drudge Report to find amusing stories. Drudge may actually be the largest blog in the country, read by millions of people per day.

I was a little surprised the other day when I went to Drudge and saw an advertisment from the Wisconsin Department of Tourism posted. Given the fact that it is a national blog, read by so many, I figure advertising on that site is pretty expensive. The closest I came to finding advertising rates was this rate card from a company called Intermarkets that apparently does all of Drudge\’s advertising brokering for the site. According to their list, an ad like that (the 120×600 skyscraper ad) costs $7.50 per CPM, whatever that means.

Someone might want to look into what the Department of Tourism is paying to advertise on the Drudge Report, of all places. Doesn\’t exactly seem like the most targeted of all audiences. Obviously, they will contend that advertising outside the state brings a high rate of return, as visitors come to Wisconsin and spend their money. Maybe I\’m an idiot and it\’s a fantastic bargain that Wisconsin is getting. Maybe they have some special regional advertising deals that are cheaper. But it seems awfully expensive to advertise on a national blog when 90% of our visitors come from Minnesota and Illinois.

Here\’s a screen capture:

I demand an international tribunal be convened to investigate Phil Garner\’s snubbing of Chris Capuano for the All-Star team in favor of one of his own less-deserving players. Rumor has it that Garner is hiding in a cave in suburban Houston. So naturally, we should invade New Mexico.

UPDATE: Capuano was named to the All Star team today to replace Tom Glavine. Clearly my hyperbolic lobbying worked. Next, I will compare Doug Melvin to Stalin because he refuses to trade Geoff Jenkins.

I honestly sat with my mouth agape for an hour looking at this Democratic Underground post that attempts to prove that 9/11 was an inside job. This genius takes a little cup of kerosene and lights it on fire to prove that it\’s not hot enough to melt his bunny rabbit cage, to show that explosives must have been planted in the Twin Towers to make them go down the way they did.

As long as he\’s disproving 9/11 conspiracy theories, he should attempt to disprove that jumping 100 stories out of a burning building really isn\’t bad at all. I could suggest some tall buildings he start with.

Via Owen and Jonah Goldberg