Given the number of weird cravings I get, you’d think I was seven months pregnant. Then again, you’d get that idea by looking at my gut. But this weekend, I decided that I wanted something from Jamba Juice to beat the heat. I have never been to Jamba Juice (or any other smoothie establishment) in my life, so this was a big step. Normally, I get my required daily serving of fruit from a variety of Jolly Ranchers.

I immediately began the process of planning out my trip to Jamba Juice. I got on the computer and looked up their location (State Street) and checked out their incomprehensible menu. Once I decided what I wanted, I practiced saying it over and over again, so I didn’t look like “guy who had never been to Jamba Juice.” I finally settled on the “Orange Dream Machine,” which sounded like a good deal since all it would cost me to get it would be $4.25 and my testicles.

I drove all the way down to State Street in search of my smooth, icy friend. When I finally got to the store, I walked in and I was the only male amongst about 12 females. Having said “Original Orange Dream Machine” about 200 times on the drive in, I confidently ordered, while triumphantly pulling out my wallet. But then, as if a microcosm of life, things got much more complicated.

Sensing I was a little overconfident, the guy behind the counter suddenly threw me a curveball and offered me something called a “boost.” I was completely unprepared for this. Suddenly, my palms got clammy and I became shifty and evasive. I was breathing into a paper bag when he pointed me to a little chart of what kind of “boost” I was eligible for.

At this point, you are forced to reflect on the state of your life and how this drink can be improved to meet your needs. Need more energy? There’s a boost for that. Lacking protein? There’s a boost for that. Do you feel that your immune system is lacking the ability to fight off viral intruders? Get the “Immunity Boost.” (Although I’m quite certain that boost makes you immune to ever seeing another naked woman.) Evidently, there is also a “Femme Boost,” which is mandatory for any man who goes to Jamba Juice more than twice in a fiscal year.

Having taken a moment to take stock of my life, I decided the energy boost was for me. I handed over my money, now wet from perspiration, to the guy behind the counter. He seemed a little overly satisfied, having “outed” me as a first-timer. I could feel the contempt from the other customers burning the back of my neck. I was just anxious to finally wrap my lips around my fruity orange friend.

I realized at that point how great the whole “boost” concept was. What if other eating establishments could put things in your food that enhanced the true effect of the food? You could go order a pizza with the “fat boost.” You could go to Burger King and just have them sprinkle your double Whopper with a boost of arsenic, to speed up your dying process.

Once it was in hand, I began the long sojourn back to my car. At this point, I realized that I should have really stopped off and picked something else up at a nearby store, so people didn’t know that I went down to State Street just to go to Jamba Juice. About halfway to my car, I realized that they probably gave me the “gay boost.” I suddenly felt the desire to own a poodle. I think if someone beat me up while drinking an Orange Dream Machine, that would qualify as a hate crime.

Here’s my great marketing idea for Jamba Juice – for $1.00 more, you can get your drink in a cup that doesn’t have the words “Jamba Juice” on it. I’d pay it – then I could walk down the street and drink it in peace. Make it one of those nondescript “to go” cups you get at a diner. Or have the cup say “This Drink Was NOT Purchased at Jamba Juice.” That will fool everyone.

When I relayed the horrifying experience to a buddy, he said I played it totally wrong – I should have acted like a guy who had never been to Jamba Juice before. He thinks I would have won more respect from people in the store if I clearly had no idea what I was doing. And I think he’s right, which reminded me of another time where I had to play dumb.

About 10 years ago, I went to a bachelor party in Vegas for one of my uncles. Naturally, the party ended up at an “adult establishment,” which wouldn’t have been that bad, except that my Dad was there. So I had to totally act like I had no idea where I was, including saying things like:

“This looks like a nice place – what are all these nice ladies doing here? All the lights and noise – I’m so confused! Excuse me, miss – If I put this $20 bill on the stage, do you think you could make change for me? I really need a Diet Pepsi.”

The final Jamba Juice verdict? The drink was fantastic. As was the nice Nine West purse I picked up on sale at Field’s on the drive home.

Given his naked exploitation of the mentally ill and kids with diseases, it’s just a matter of time before Jim Doyle resorts to this:

Josh Rales, a Democratic candidate for Maryland’s U.S. Senate seat, paid a drug-treatment center in Baltimore to drive its recovering addicts to last week’s debate in College Park, where they held signs supporting his campaign. About 20 patients from the I Can’t, We Can (ICWC) drug-treatment and counseling center in northwest Baltimore attended the debate, said Adrian Harpool, president of the 21st Century Group, a Baltimore public-relations firm hired by the Rales campaign to recruit volunteers.

“It’s not something that happens on a regular basis,” Mr. Harpool said, adding that the recovering addicts were unpaid volunteers who were to help post signs but ended up holding the placards. “It was a real error in judgment on my part.”

Using recovering addicts as campaign supporters does not appear to be illegal, said a spokeswoman for the Federal Election Commission (FEC). Kelly Huff said campaigns can use their money for “pretty much any lawful purpose as long as it relates to the campaign.”

Still, Derek Walker, executive director for the Maryland Democratic Party, said the Rales campaign’s volunteer-recruiting method was unusual. “I have not heard of it being done,” Mr. Walker said. “Certainly, you get supporters to events in any way you can.”

Mr. Rales, a Bethesda real estate investor and political newcomer, has spent $2 million this month on TV ads and could spend up to $5 million of his own money running for the Senate.

After last week’s debate at the University of Maryland, Mr. Rales said he was “not familiar” with the treatment center but that he had no problem with recovering drug addicts holding the signs. “If I can help people who have some drug issues … participate in the democratic process, I think that’s great,” he said.

Somewhere, the Doyle campaign is kicking itself for not thinking of this first.

In June, federal officials seized 46 pit bulls from the property of Robert Lowery of the Town of Dunn, which in near Madison. Lowery is suspected of running a pit bull fighting operation, although the criminal charges against him deal with drug trafficking and possessing firearms as a convicted felon.

As a result of the raid, there are now 46 pit bulls which have to be cared for at the Dane County Humane Society. Not only do these pit bulls have to be fed and cared for, they also have to be guarded at all times, so nobody comes to steal them. They can’t be euthanized, as Lowery won’t relinquish his ownership rights. This becomes an expensive proposition for an agency that barely had the funds to operate under normal capacity. It appears that the Humane Society is asking the county for funding help, and the county will then attempt to turn around and assess Lowery the bill.

In the meantime, however, the pit bulls are displacing resources from other puppy dogs there that are looking for homes. Make sure you go to the donation page and make a contribution to help the dogs that are rightfully there get the care that they need. Or sponsor a dog that’s there. I think contributions may even be tax deductible.

I mean, how can you say no to little Barney or Ram?

And for Robert Lowery, any respectable judge would sentence him to the following: Load up his underwear with peanut butter, strap him down on a log, and let him spend a little quality time with his 46 pit bulls all at once.

I’ll let someone else worry about the mean, smelly cats.

UNRELATED SIDE NOTE: Malcolm Gladwell wote an excellent piece on pit bulls in February. It’s mostly about racial profiling, and there’s plenty to disagree with, bit it is a good Friday read.

From Jessica McBride, commenting on “Chorizogate:”

As I said on my show, sports are the great uniter in society (at least they should be), so the more sausages the merrier, if you ask me.

Ummmm……

Does this mean she’s joining *NSYNC?

Milwaukee – In a surprise yet mouth-watering twist, the Milwaukee Brewers have had to cancel their plans to add a Chorizo to their sausage races, after it was found that their Mexican sausage was an undocumented refugee in this country. INS Officer Steve McCabe, when asked about the actions taken against the Chorizo, said “the last time I ‘deported’ a chorizo, I had to call Roto Rooter.” Documents show that during interrogation, federal officials grilled the Chorizo slowly for about 20 minutes before he was sent back to Mexico.

The Brewers hired the Chorizo to run in the sausage races, and agreed to pay 43 cents an hour. Additionally, the club was going to make him mow the lawn in between games. Down in the minor leagues, there was once an incident where a player mockingly hit the Chorizo with a bat. The Chorizo then pulled out a blade and knifed the player to death, to the delight of the crowd.

A background check on the Chorizo found that he was smuggled over the U.S./Mexico border in 1999, packed into a box of 36 other assorted sausages. Once in America, he did several odd jobs, including a stint in poorly lit films such as “Chorizo Grande,” the exotic pool boy.

Later, the Chorizo became more politically active, participating in “a day without encased meats,” in which 24,000 Wisconsinites died of malnutrition. Things got rough at one of the rallies, where police chased him with a vat of boiling water. The Chorizo joined the group Voces de la Relish, who already had planned protests if the Chorizo didn’t win enough sausage races.

This isn’t the first time trouble has erupted amongst the sausages. Many fans recall 2003, when the bad blood among sausages boiled over and the Italian sausage was caught planting a horse’s head in the Hot Dog’s bed. In the 2004 season, the bratwurst got drunk and invaded the Polish sausage’s home, urinating on all of his plants. Last year, DEA agents raided the Hot Dog’s home and found a whole room full of ecstasy and marijuana, which explains why he wears sunglasses during the day.

The move to hire the Chorizo was an attempt by the Brewers to lure more Latino fans to the ballpark, which the team decided was a more cost effective strategy than actually fielding a competitive team. Next year, the Brewers will add another mascot to honor the vibrant fat white people community in Milwaukee.

Madison (AP) – Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle announced a stunning scientific breakthrough that allows embryonic stem cells to be used to revive an ailing campaign. “We here in Wisconsin have pioneered a procedure that gives life to the most frail and vulnerable political campaigns,” said Doyle, whose administration has been swamped by criminal ethical problems.

Doyle himself has been part of a human cloning experiment where travel company Craig Adelman was cloned ten times. As a result of the experiment, Doyle was able to raise an additional $100,000 for his campaign from the team of Adelman clones. Unfortunately, since there weren’t ten state travel contracts to trade away, Doyle gave each one of them an unsigned picture of the San Diego Chicken.

“We need to have a kinder and more thoughtful policy on stem cell research,” said Doyle. “It will bring comfort to the families of sick kids to know that when they die, the memory of their disease helped me win re-election,” added Doyle. The Governor noted that while no procedure actually currently exists to cure anyone through embryonic stem cell therapy, his fundraising has never been healthier.

When told about gubernatorial candidate Mark Green’s concerns about human cloning, Doyle quickly dismissed the criticisms. He noted 100% of Green’s contributions have come from individuals who were previously embryos, and were therefore tainted. “We need to address this issue in a mature way,” said Doyle, adding “the only thing that can really help these sick children is rigorous research, serious experimentation, and cramming the words ‘Mark Green’ and ‘George Bush’ in as many sentences as possible.”

When told that adult stem cells, and not embryonic cells, have actually been used in procedures to help sick people, Doyle quickly took a large bite of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

A couple months back, I posted a report from a Cleveland newscast that caught a guy named Mike Cooper strangling the ostrich at the public library. Later on, reporter Carl Monday filed this follow up report.

More importantly, Cooper was actually arrested for his behavior, and was recently sentenced. Fortunately, the same reporter was there to cover the trial and attempt to interview Cooper after the verdict. Needless to say, it was an explosive exchange.

Since absolutely nobody has asked me my opinion of Doyle’s new “stem cell” TV ad, I thought it was imperative that I chime in. Mark Green’s press release said a lot of the same things I was going to, so I’ll post it here.

For those of you who haven’t seen the ad, it features the mother of a young diabetic girl speaking to the camera about her daughter’s condition and how a “Washington politician like Mark Green” wants to outlaw stem cell research. She says it’s stem cell researchers in Wisconsin “who might find the cure” for her daughter’s diabetes. Of course, embryonic stem cells currently aren’t used in any procedure that has ever helped a single person with any disease. Certainly, nobody is more objective on the merits of embryonic stem cell research than the parent of a sick child. Of course, Jody Montgomery is the same shy woman who introduced Doyle at the Democratic convention.

At the end of the ad, she challenges people who want to “outlaw stem cell research” (meaning: nobody) to “tell it to my daughter.” To that, I say fine. Get her on the phone for me.

“Hi, Maddy? It’s me, Dennis. Your mother is exploiting you and your disease using false information for a political campaign. I saw your mommy lying on the ad six times today, and six times, it broke my heart. Sleep tight.”

If you were the parent of a child with Type 1 diabetes and you hear Jody Montgomery detail it as essentially a death sentence, wouldn’t you be a little bit irritated? Don’t hundreds of families courageously wake up every morning and go through the same routine without having the governor give them a statewide platform to complain about it? Incidentally, Adam Morrison was the third pick in this year’s NBA Draft and he is a Type 1 diabetic.

Of course, Mark Green has never taken a vote on “banning stem cell research.” He has, however, voted on banning human cloning, of which the American public is overwhelmingly in favor. It is new cloned embryos that would give stem cell researchers the stem cells they need through the process of killing the newly created embryo. The ad cites four bills as showing that Green wants to “outlaw stem cell research.” They are basically all the same bill, and all outlaw human cloning.

In July, a group of Catholic Bishops urged Doyle to change his position on embryonic stem cell research, as they oppose the creation of cloned embryos for research purposes. In a letter to the bishops, Doyle fired back, saying that embryos created in fertility clinics could be used for research. In the letter, he said, “Therefore, the ultimate question isn’t whether embryos will be destroyed but whether we should allow a few of those unused embryos to be utilized saving lives instead of discarding them.” Boy, he really showed them, huh?

Well, guess what- Mark Green’s voting record is completely consistent with Doyle’s own statements. Green’s votes against cloning would have nothing to do with research on fertility clinic embryos. There is nothing that Green has ever done that would prevent stem cell research on these leftover embryos. So while it’s a downright lie to say that Green wants to “outlaw” stem cell research, it’s even equally disingenuous to say that he opposes embryonic stem cell research.

Naturally, you’ll never hear the word “cloning” in any of Doyle’s ads, since human cloning is wildly unpopular. Instead, you’ll hear about “stem cell research,” which polls well. In the end, however, cloning really is the big issue that sets the candidates apart. Doyle wants human cloning, while Mark Green does not. And if you hold your breath waiting for any media organization to make the points I just did, you’d better have 911 on speed dial.

SIDE NOTE: In Doyle’s first release exploiting Maddie Montgomery, they spell her mom’s name “Jodi.” Ever since, they have spelled it “Jody.” Wouldn’t you think they’d pay a little more attention to the people that they exploit?

My wife was out of town for the weekend, and took my daughter with her. So I had “bachelor weekend,” meaning I remained in a horizontal position for about 36 straight hours. I still think my newspaper is sitting outside. I didn’t read any news or do anthing remotely responsible – for all I know, America could have invaded North Korea by now (someone leave a comment if we have).

I also attempted to set the world pizza eating record, until my arteries called their social service worker to complain. Incidentally, me eating that much, coupled with the Brewers blowing two games, is a deadly combination – like a caloric molotov cocktail. Don’t ask me why I feel the need to stuff my face when my wife leaves town. Just getting back in touch with my “inner bachelor,” which involves going downstairs to ogle all of my most valuable personal possessions, all of which are fastidiously sealed in tupperware containers in the basement.

While indefinitely reclined, I caught a couple of shows that I now can’t think of my life without. I watched a few episodes of the “World Series of Pop Culture,” and I’m hooked. I absolutely must try out for this show – I’m soliciting for other Madison contestants to join a team with me. It’s about a simple of a concept as can be – you just stand up there and answer pop culture questions (there’s usually only one hard one per set of six questions). Then, when you win, you have to go give an interview to Lisa Guererro (who looks like she has been hooked up to a mayonnaise I.V. since she got booted from Monday Night Football).

I am the king of useless trivia. My wife refuses to play Trivial Pursuit with me because I’m so good. Actually, it’s because I taunt her relentlessly – when I get a question right, I get up and do a dance reminiscent of Daniel’s bird pose in “The Karate Kid.” But I do know a lot about meaningless stuff, and the questions are easy. Just get me on the show, and I’ll dominate.

Two other notes – this show is replete with cute girls who are carrying a few extra pounds. Not making a value judgement, merely an observation. Also, it features the greatest team name I’ve ever heard. Unfortunately “We’re What Willis Was Talkin’ About” lost in the semifinals.

I also caught a couple of episodes of the inexplicable “Pants Off Dance Off” on the FUSE Network. There just aren’t words for this show. Apparently, regular folks go on TV and strip to their favorite song for the chance to win like 20 bucks or something. All it costs them is their dignity. Rather than describe it for you, I’ll just point you to the webpage, where you can see the contestants and watch videos. I highly recommend “Steve,” for beginners. And you might not want to tell people you enjoyed it.

I’ve always been curious about the whole “ribbon awarding” process at county fairs. Why should some husky 4-H’er get all the credit for raising a big fat pig? It’s not like she somehow magically coaxed the pig into growing – the pig does all the work. So why does the owner get the ribbon? Can’t we at least get the pig a lap dance before he becomes an award winning BLT?

I invite you to check out the new portion of Jim Doyle’s campaign website that encourages you to share your “personal story about how stem cell research affects you and your family.”

I am dying to see some of the responses they get, given the fact that embryonic stem cell research isn’t used in any procedures in any way to cure anything. So any family that has a sick kid can urge Doyle’s support of a procedure that doesn’t exist regardless of whether stem cell research could actually help their child in the future or not.

As long as we can just make stuff up, I am hoping embryonic stem cell research one day allows me to engage in a “love pretzel” with Keira Knightley. As long as Doyle is preying on the false hopes of Wisconsin’s citizens, I thought I’d throw a Hail Mary.

I could go on, but a reader e-mailed me with pretty much exactly what I was going to say. So I’ll let him say it:

Has there been a more shameless, self-serving political stunt in recent Wisconsin political history than this one?

– Gov. Jim Doyle’s campaign is soliciting personal stories about stem cell research in an e-mail sent to supporters today. Molly Walsh, the Doyle campaign’s stem cell coordinator, asks recipients to “[h]elp our campaign by sharing your personal story about how stem cell research affects you and your family.”

See the solicitation: http://stemcellstory.doylelawton.com/
—
Why doesn’t he just do it honestly and say “Attention, if you’d like to have your illness or, preferably, the illness of your child exploited for my political gain, please contact my campaign ASAP. Thank you, Diamond Jim Doyle.”

This is truly despicable. Imagine if Green had sent out a similar e-mail asking anyone who had an abortion and regret it to “share their story” or if John Gard was out trolling for people who were victims of terrorism to use them in an ad for his race? The left would go berserk.

Doyle’s team really has no shame.

On the site it says “Mark Green opposes stem cell research and has voted to ban or criminalize stem cell research eight times in Congress,” which is of course, false. Everyone supports “stem cell research,” while some have expressed concerns about human cloning for the purpose of embryonic stem cell research. But since there aren’t any media outlets (other than Channel 3 in Madison) willing to expose Doyle’s childish lies, there’s really no incentive for him to stop promulgating them.

It wonderful that the media complain about negative campaigns, yet they sit back and do nothing to actually investigate the veracity of the false claims made. They might want to put down their campaign finance reform pom-poms just long enough to cover the issues in a campaign, rather than covering polls, fundraising numbers, and who has the shinier new campaign bus.

Guys between 25 and 40 often sit back and reminisce about the greatness of Bo Jackson in the Tecmo Bowl video game. For those of you that think that’s crazy, sit back and bask in the power and the glory.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAAgfY_NHzw]

If any of your friends ever did this to you while playing the game, you would be well within your rights to light their groin on fire. No court in America would convict you.

Question his motives if you will, but I am 100% in agreement with Paul Soglin on the new City of Madison Halloween plan. For those of you outside of Madison, the city wants to charge a $5.00 fee for Halloween partiers to enter State Street to hit the bars.

Soglin says:

I suppose it is debatable as to whether or not blocking the street and charging admission is Constitutionally permissible. I think it is not.

This is not a toll road.
This is not a section of a public park.
This is not a public street where vendors can charge but everyone has free access.

Even if reactionary courts say such an impediment to the First Amendment is permissible, it is rather stunning for a city that is trying outdo Berkeley as the most progressive American town.

True, Madison property taxpayers have to pay the expense of extra police for the party. However, the Halloween problem is a law enforcement problem, not a taxpayer problem.

My solution? Eliminate bar times on Halloween. Rather than having 50,000 kids dumped out onto the street at the same time, let them all trickle out on their own terms throughout the night and early morning. The crowds will be more sparse, and the cops will be able to address any post-bar problems more effectively. On the down side, kids will get drunker staying in the bars for longer, which ups the likelihood that some poor girl will end up smooching a guy that looks like me.

But let’s be honest – while the kids are drinking at the bars, the ones that get drunk enough to cause problems are the ones that get completely bombed at home before showing up on State Street. We shouldn’t penalize the businesses for the actions of underage out of staters hell-bent on destruction.

UPDATE: George Twigg in Mayor Cieslewicz’ office took time off from singing for Depeche Mode long enough to e-mail me and point out that it would take a change in state law to allow bars to stay open past bar time. So get on your phone to your state legislators (although session is done for this year, and nothing will be passed before Halloween of this year). Maybe we can negotiate a two year deal where some bars close early this year, while the others agree to close early the year after, just to keep the crowds staggered. Probably unlikely, but the bars are going to lose revenue from partiers with the plan announced yesterday – they’re hurt either way.

My wife and I have begun the unenviable process of looking at preschools for our daughter. When I began the search, I had absolutely no idea what to look for in a pre-school program, although I figured it was a bad sign if knifeplay was encouraged.

I wasn’t prepared, though, for what I actually encountered while perusing preschool websites. Most sites have special sections that illustrate their “philosophy” or “mission,” presumably to give parents an overview of what type of education their children will receive. What you often find is some semi-lucid platitudinous nonsense that would make an episode of Barney the Dinosaur sound like it was written by Bertrand Russell.

Fifteen years ago, George F. Will wrote a column where he noted the “cult of self-validating expression contributed to the debasement of education, which came to be considered of process of letting something out of students rather than putting something into them.” This seems to be the guiding principle of Madison area preschools.

Take, for example, the “Once Upon a Time” child care center in Verona. Their “Philosophy” page reads, in part (my emphasis):

Balance, harmony and quality education for your child is the philosophy of Once Upon a Time Child Care Center (“Once Upon a Time”). Providing a nurturing and safe environment is a given and will be the foundation of the center. However, we will expand on the traditional approach to child care and will focus on creating a stimulating, interactive learning center blending basic theory and environmental curriculums with holistic, stress relieving life skills…

Children will focus on developing academic skills as well as the following characteristics: kindness, compassion, caring, understanding, and a respect for others. Children will work on being polite, learn to acknowledge kindness, avoid competition, help others in need, share skills and talents, and celebrate the diversity of our planet.

“Avoid competition?” Do they expect kids to grow up and only work jobs for which they aren’t required to submit a resume? Is my daughter supposed to get into college somewhere that doesn’t accept applications? Clearly, the proprietors of this day care center reject the very foundation of American society that provides incentives for individual excellence. Instead, they would rather teach three year olds “stress relieving life skills.” I can honestly say I have never uttered the words “you know, my daughter is really stressed out from all the napping, pooping, and watching ‘Blue’s Clues’ that she does. She really needs some relief from her onerous schedule.”

Or as my friend succinctly put it: “The sooner my son learns that life is a painful race to the top, the better.”

Lest you think that this is an isolated day care center, and lest you think I just wanted to use the word “lest,” here’s the mission statement from the expensive Creative Learning Preschool:

We provide children with a warm, safe and nurturing environment and strive to meet each child’s developmental needs. Our low child to staff ratios and small group sizes ensure quality, personalized care for every child. Creative Learning Preschool is a culturally diverse child care center with a preschool program based upon the High/Scope Philosophy. This philosophy is directed toward the use of a child-directed/initiated curriculum and age appropriate play activities. Teachers are experienced, well-educated early childhood professionals who genuinely care about children and understand child development.

This seems to be a common theme in area day care centers - the “Montessori” philosophy of “child directed/initiated curriculum.” (In Italian, “Montessori” means “your child’s head is unusually large.”) Sure, there may be some genius kids who can direct their own learning, but if left to her own devices, I’m fairly sure my daughter would specialize in “the philosophy of pouring syrup down your pants.”

This, of course, is in stark contrast to the philosophy I learned as a youngster, which was known as the “school sucks, and I hate learning English, math and science, but my parents care for me so I better do what the teacher says” method. Apparently, this outdated model has gone the way of Jim Doyle’s hairline – extinct. Today, the words “teaching” and “learning” are pejorative terms. Now, we must let each child get in touch with their “inner child,” meaning “teacher has yoga class soon, so play by yourself for the next hour and make sure your parents are on time picking you up.”

These preschools, of course, work in a free market, so they are welcome to represent themselves to parents in any way they want. Obviously, this type of education is in demand, as waiting lists around town are prevalent. In fact, these syrupy mission statements may just be a way to lure parents in, where they nefariously switch gears and actually “teach” children things.

Now you may think to yourself that since the state licenses all of these day care centers, that there must be some minimum standards for each center. When you go to the state Department of Workforce Development child care website, however, it takes time to shill for higher day care worker pay.

The state Department of Health and Family Services website is even more curious. On a page entitled “Is your child care center secure?” you would expect the tips about access to the day care center, pickup procedures, and the like. But they obviously couldn’t help themselves, as there is a link to a PBS page entitled “Talking to Kids about War and Violence.” Certainly foremost on the minds of parents concerned about their kids’ safety. Doesn’t exactly instill confidence that state bureaucrats have any idea what they’re doing.

It doesn’t get any better post-pre school, either. Take the mission statement for the Elm Lawn Elementary School:

We believe that each of us in the Elm Lawn School community is responsible for helping to create a physically and emotionally safe environment where all people feel welcome, trusted and valued. We strive to openly listen to the opinions and ideas of others in order to appreciate and celebrate our differences. Our goal is to create a nurturing, non-critical environment where each person feels free to take risks and where both individuality and a feeling of community is honored.

Allow me to translate:

“We know your kid was probably an unwanted mistake, but as long as he’s in our school, he won’t be made to feel inadequate in any way, regardless of his abilities. We will make sure that no child will be pushed to reach their full potential, as it may make goofball children like yours look bad. Most important is how your kids “feel,” not what they learn, how they’re challenged, or that they’ll be able to have a snowball’s chance in the cutthroat world someday.”

Such an educational cultural ethos leaves a parent with little confidence that their preschooler is going to get a quality education. There’s a better chance my daughter goes to a school that teaches that conflicts must be resolved by a break dancing contest than one that actually teaches spelling and math.

———————————————————————-

Some other child care oddities:

From the Preschool of the Arts’ “FAQ” section:

What kinds of fo
od or snacks do you serve the children?A special and wonderful aroma wafts out of the kitchen of Preschool of the Arts and into the hallways and around to the door. Chef Tom Morrison-Weeks is hard at work preparing some lovely homemade bread or steaming hot soup or scrumptious pasta or beautiful fresh vegetables. Trained at Madison Area Technical College, Chef Tom has been cooking at our school for over 10 years when his daughter Emily attended.

Sign #1 that you’re paying too much for day care: Your kids are eating more five star meals than you are. I knew something was wrong when my daughter left my wife the following note:

Dearest Mom: I found your macaroni and cheese pungent, yet lacking adequate flavor. While it was served in a timely manner, it failed to challenge my palate. The side of graham crackers was an elegant touch, yet left my taste buds lonely and confused. Please kick it up a notch.
P.S. – I licked your iPod.

BAM! Your kids can’t read!

From the Campus for Kids Learning Center:

We accept children regardless of race, color, national origin, sex, creed, political persuasion, ancestry, handicapping condition or age if an opening is available in the requested age group.

Political persuasion? Good to see my three year old daughter’s strong opinions on the UN’s soft stance on Hezbollah won’t be held against her. Will she be able to watch her Baby Scalia DVDs? Will she be the only kid with a Donald Rumsfeld lunchbox?

Child Development, Inc. actually takes credit for the successes of its alumni:

A cancer research at the UW-Madison, a Boston lawyer, a Phi Beta Kappa graduate, a member of a Grammy-award winning musical group, a Denver Broncos football player, and Madison Police Chief Noble Wray. What do these people have in common? They’re all alumni of the South Madison Child CareCenter and proud of it. Each attended this CDI preschool and credits that experience with giving them the head start needed to make their big dreams come true.

As if the things they accomplish have anything to do with the preschool they attended. Do they have a cancer research lab with bunsen burners and little mini lab coats? Is there a vigorous weight training program for three year olds who want to play in the NFL? Somewhere out there, there’s a day care bragging that one of their alumni is a “nationally known researcher who believes the 9/11 attacks were an inside job.”

The Caring Center has a section where they outline the “Childrens’ Rights.” These, of course, were ratified at the Preschooler Constitutional Convention in 1786. They include protection against self poop incrimination, the right to bare butts, and the controversial right to publicly pick your nose, inspect its contents, and consume your findings. This provision has been repeatedly sustained in Toddler Supreme Court rulings.

A perfect gift for your loved one, as long as you are willing to spend $15,000 on a handwritten journal that suggests eating your own flesh as the cure for cancer. Sounds like this guy might be qualified to teach oncology at the UW Medical School.

GOOD LUCK BIDDING AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU.