Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

More Truth in Labeling

I was taking my kids to school this morning, and I noticed the car in front of me had “4WD” emblazoned on the back.  And I got to wondering – what difference does it make to me whether that guy’s car is 4 wheel drive or 2 wheel drive?  What would be the purpose of announcing to the world how many wheels are functioning on your car?  Isn’t that really a personal issue between the driver and his automobile?

Come to think of it, I’ve seen other outward declarations of engine capacity.  Aren’t there some cars that actually tell you how many cylinders they have in their engine? (V8? V12?  I don’t even know the lingo.)  Or that they have anti-lock braking systems?  I propose that car companies start putting things like “REALLY GOOD AIR CONDITIONER” on the back bumper of their cars.  Or “EXTRA LARGE CHANGE CUP,” just to make all the other drivers feel insecure.

While it’s slightly annoying in the car world, this could actually work in the people world.  Wouldn’t it be quicker to judge people if they just wore clothes that told us what they thought their most impressive quality was?  People could wear t-shirts that say things like “CAN BENCH PRESS 250 POUNDS” or “SCORED 1200 ON MY SATs.”  Not only would it provide an important fact about that person, but it would also highlight what they think is most important about them.

When you go out with a girl, she can wear a shirt that says “NOT UNTIL THE THIRD DATE.”  Guys can wear a sweatshirt that says “THERE’S A REALLY GOOD CHANCE I’M ON DRUGS RIGHT NOW.”  It takes all the guesswork out of interpersonal relationships – a true time saver.

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  1. Truth in labeling beats bumper stickers!

  2. I see myself in a lilac t-shirt stating, “I gave birth to 6 very unique children and have earned the right to say what I think”, (in sequins, of course)!

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