Washington, D.C. – The FBI announced today that through its warrantless wiretapping program, it has uncovered an explosive peach cobbler recipe. \”It\’s the most delicious thing I\’ve ever tasted,\” said Special Agent Demond McDuffie, his mouth stuffed full of cobbler. \”And to think, if we had to get a warrant, this vital piece of information would have remained an underground terrorist secret,\” said McDuffie.
The secret cobbler recipe was said to have come from a phone call originating from terrorist Mahmoud Al-Alim of Conway, South Carolina to his mother in Afghanistan. \”The first part of the call, he was kind of mumbling something unintelligible about poisoning the water supply of Atlanta, or some crazy nonsense,\” said Agent McDuffie. \”But his use of ginger in his cobbler recipe is the work of a madman – a mad genius,\” said McDuffie.
Upon learning of the recipe theft, Al-Alim immediately contacted the ACLU, who filed a lawsuit on his behalf. \”This delicious recipe has been passed through centuries of Al-Alims, and the federal government has no business stealing it,\” said ACLU spokesman Jarvis VanLandingham. In response to the lawsuit, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a warrant must be granted before the government can listen in on any conversations regarding fruit-filled pastries. If a court is not available, the government must get permission from the \’80s band Warrant.
The FBI released some of the transcripts of Al-Alim\’s overseas conversations, including this one to his superiors from last month:
Al-Alim: \”Hey, is Abdul Qadeer there?\”
Qadeer: \”That\’s me.\”
Al-Alim: \”Sorry, you sounded like someone else.\”
Qadeer: \”I\’ve actually had a little cold lately, can\’t shake it. Little phlegmy.\”
Al-Alim: \”Anyway, I\’ve been meaning to talk to you about my job title.\”
Qadeer: \”Tell me, brother, what\’s the problem?\”
Al-Alim: \”I was thinking we could spice my official job title up a little. I think \”suicide bomber\” is a little passe\’.\”
Qadeer: \”You are doing the work of Allah, my friend – I think the job title fits.\”
Al-Alim: \”I think it could be jazzed up a little. You could call me the \’crafty bomber\’ or the \’shifty bomber.\’ I think that adds a little pizzazz. \”
Qadeer: \”Call yourself whatever you want, as long as you\’re willing to strap a bomb to your chest and walk into a bus station.\”
Al-Alim: \”Yeah, that\’s kind of the thing – I\’m not real big on the whole \’suicide\’ thing. I mean, everyone is doing the whole lame \’blow myself up\’ routine – I think it\’s kind of played out. I mean, the feds are totally looking for suicide bombers. They aren\’t looking for bombers not willing to give their life to their cause. It will completely throw them off the scent.\”
Qadeer: \”You\’re not going back on your pledge to give your life for the cause, are you?\”
Al-Alim: \”Of course not – It\’s just that I won tickets to see Celine Dion in Vegas next month through a radio contest.\”
Qadeer: \”Here\’s what I\’ll do – you stay a suicide bomber, but I\’ll up your dental insurance benefit.\”
Al-Alim: \”Okay, sounds good.\”
Qadeer: \”I have to go – I have a coupon for Qdoba that runs out today. Although I never know whether to go to Qdoba or Chipotle – they\’re kind of the same thing. Praise be Allah.\”
Al-Alim: \”Praise be Allah…(click)\”
Al-Alim: ….hey, wait a minute!