I\’ve always been curious about the whole \”ribbon awarding\” process at county fairs. Why should some husky 4-H\’er get all the credit for raising a big fat pig? It\’s not like she somehow magically coaxed the pig into growing – the pig does all the work. So why does the owner get the ribbon? Can\’t we at least get the pig a lap dance before he becomes an award winning BLT?

My wife and I have begun the unenviable process of looking at preschools for our daughter. When I began the search, I had absolutely no idea what to look for in a pre-school program, although I figured it was a bad sign if knifeplay was encouraged.

I wasn’t prepared, though, for what I actually encountered while perusing preschool websites. Most sites have special sections that illustrate their “philosophy” or “mission,” presumably to give parents an overview of what type of education their children will receive. What you often find is some semi-lucid platitudinous nonsense that would make an episode of Barney the Dinosaur sound like it was written by Bertrand Russell.

Fifteen years ago, George F. Will wrote a column where he noted the “cult of self-validating expression contributed to the debasement of education, which came to be considered of process of letting something out of students rather than putting something into them.” This seems to be the guiding principle of Madison area preschools.

Take, for example, the “Once Upon a Time” child care center in Verona. Their “Philosophy” page reads, in part (my emphasis):

Balance, harmony and quality education for your child is the philosophy of Once Upon a Time Child Care Center (“Once Upon a Time”). Providing a nurturing and safe environment is a given and will be the foundation of the center. However, we will expand on the traditional approach to child care and will focus on creating a stimulating, interactive learning center blending basic theory and environmental curriculums with holistic, stress relieving life skills…

Children will focus on developing academic skills as well as the following characteristics: kindness, compassion, caring, understanding, and a respect for others. Children will work on being polite, learn to acknowledge kindness, avoid competition, help others in need, share skills and talents, and celebrate the diversity of our planet.

\”Avoid competition?\” Do they expect kids to grow up and only work jobs for which they aren\’t required to submit a resume? Is my daughter supposed to get into college somewhere that doesn\’t accept applications? Clearly, the proprietors of this day care center reject the very foundation of American society that provides incentives for individual excellence. Instead, they would rather teach three year olds \”stress relieving life skills.\” I can honestly say I have never uttered the words \”you know, my daughter is really stressed out from all the napping, pooping, and watching \’Blue\’s Clues\’ that she does. She really needs some relief from her onerous schedule.\”

Or as my friend succinctly put it: \”The sooner my son learns that life is a painful race to the top, the better.\”

Lest you think that this is an isolated day care center, and lest you think I just wanted to use the word \”lest,\” here\’s the mission statement from the expensive Creative Learning Preschool:

We provide children with a warm, safe and nurturing environment and strive to meet each child\’s developmental needs. Our low child to staff ratios and small group sizes ensure quality, personalized care for every child. Creative Learning Preschool is a culturally diverse child care center with a preschool program based upon the High/Scope Philosophy. This philosophy is directed toward the use of a child-directed/initiated curriculum and age appropriate play activities. Teachers are experienced, well-educated early childhood professionals who genuinely care about children and understand child development.

This seems to be a common theme in area day care centers – the \”Montessori\” philosophy of \”child directed/initiated curriculum.\” (In Italian, \”Montessori\” means \”your child\’s head is unusually large.\”) Sure, there may be some genius kids who can direct their own learning, but if left to her own devices, I\’m fairly sure my daughter would specialize in \”the philosophy of pouring syrup down your pants.\”

This, of course, is in stark contrast to the philosophy I learned as a youngster, which was known as the \”school sucks, and I hate learning English, math and science, but my parents care for me so I better do what the teacher says\” method. Apparently, this outdated model has gone the way of Jim Doyle\’s hairline – extinct. Today, the words \”teaching\” and \”learning\” are pejorative terms. Now, we must let each child get in touch with their \”inner child,\” meaning \”teacher has yoga class soon, so play by yourself for the next hour and make sure your parents are on time picking you up.\”

These preschools, of course, work in a free market, so they are welcome to represent themselves to parents in any way they want. Obviously, this type of education is in demand, as waiting lists around town are prevalent. In fact, these syrupy mission statements may just be a way to lure parents in, where they nefariously switch gears and actually \”teach\” children things.

Now you may think to yourself that since the state licenses all of these day care centers, that there must be some minimum standards for each center. When you go to the state Department of Workforce Development child care website, however, it takes time to shill for higher day care worker pay.

The state Department of Health and Family Services website is even more curious. On a page entitled \”Is your child care center secure?\” you would expect the tips about access to the day care center, pickup procedures, and the like. But they obviously couldn\’t help themselves, as there is a link to a PBS page entitled \”Talking to Kids about War and Violence.\” Certainly foremost on the minds of parents concerned about their kids\’ safety. Doesn\’t exactly instill confidence that state bureaucrats have any idea what they\’re doing.

It doesn\’t get any better post-pre school, either. Take the mission statement for the Elm Lawn Elementary School:

We believe that each of us in the Elm Lawn School community is responsible for helping to create a physically and emotionally safe environment where all people feel welcome, trusted and valued. We strive to openly listen to the opinions and ideas of others in order to appreciate and celebrate our differences. Our goal is to create a nurturing, non-critical environment where each person feels free to take risks and where both individuality and a feeling of community is honored.

Allow me to translate:

\”We know your kid was probably an unwanted mistake, but as long as he\’s in our school, he won\’t be made to feel inadequate in any way, regardless of his abilities. We will make sure that no child will be pushed to reach their full potential, as it may make goofball children like yours look bad. Most important is how your kids \”feel,\” not what they learn, how they\’re challenged, or that they\’ll be able to have a snowball\’s chance in the cutthroat world someday.\”

Such an educational cultural ethos leaves a parent with little confidence that their preschooler is going to get a quality education. There\’s a better chance my daughter goes to a school that teaches that conflicts must be resolved by a break dancing contest than one that actually teaches spelling and math.

———————————————————————-

Some other child care oddities:

From the Preschool of the Arts\’ \”FAQ\” section:

What kinds of fo
od or snacks do you serve the children?A special and wonderful aroma wafts out of the kitchen of Preschool of the Arts and into the hallways and around to the door. Chef Tom Morrison-Weeks is hard at work preparing some lovely homemade bread or steaming hot soup or scrumptious pasta or beautiful fresh vegetables. Trained at Madison Area Technical College, Chef Tom has been cooking at our school for over 10 years when his daughter Emily attended.

Sign #1 that you\’re paying too much for day care: Your kids are eating more five star meals than you are. I knew something was wrong when my daughter left my wife the following note:

Dearest Mom: I found your macaroni and cheese pungent, yet lacking adequate flavor. While it was served in a timely manner, it failed to challenge my palate. The side of graham crackers was an elegant touch, yet left my taste buds lonely and confused. Please kick it up a notch.
P.S. – I licked your iPod.

BAM! Your kids can\’t read!

From the Campus for Kids Learning Center:

We accept children regardless of race, color, national origin, sex, creed, political persuasion, ancestry, handicapping condition or age if an opening is available in the requested age group.

Political persuasion? Good to see my three year old daughter\’s strong opinions on the UN\’s soft stance on Hezbollah won\’t be held against her. Will she be able to watch her Baby Scalia DVDs? Will she be the only kid with a Donald Rumsfeld lunchbox?

Child Development, Inc. actually takes credit for the successes of its alumni:

A cancer research at the UW-Madison, a Boston lawyer, a Phi Beta Kappa graduate, a member of a Grammy-award winning musical group, a Denver Broncos football player, and Madison Police Chief Noble Wray. What do these people have in common? They\’re all alumni of the South Madison Child CareCenter and proud of it. Each attended this CDI preschool and credits that experience with giving them the head start needed to make their big dreams come true.

As if the things they accomplish have anything to do with the preschool they attended. Do they have a cancer research lab with bunsen burners and little mini lab coats? Is there a vigorous weight training program for three year olds who want to play in the NFL? Somewhere out there, there\’s a day care bragging that one of their alumni is a \”nationally known researcher who believes the 9/11 attacks were an inside job.\”

The Caring Center has a section where they outline the \”Childrens\’ Rights.\” These, of course, were ratified at the Preschooler Constitutional Convention in 1786. They include protection against self poop incrimination, the right to bare butts, and the controversial right to publicly pick your nose, inspect its contents, and consume your findings. This provision has been repeatedly sustained in Toddler Supreme Court rulings.

A perfect gift for your loved one, as long as you are willing to spend $15,000 on a handwritten journal that suggests eating your own flesh as the cure for cancer. Sounds like this guy might be qualified to teach oncology at the UW Medical School.

GOOD LUCK BIDDING AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU.

On July 14th, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency made a major announcement: that they would finally be getting tough on illegal immigration – of engines that pollute. They bragged that there would be a crackdown on importation of engines that may endanger U.S. air quality.

According to the EPA\’s press release:

The federal Clean Air Act (CAA) requires new gasoline and diesel engines sold or distributed in the United States to meet EPA emissions requirements to protect public health and the environment from air pollution. There has been a recent and dramatic increase in imports of gasoline and diesel equipment, chiefly from China, which do not meet these standards.

So the movement of illegal combustion engines across our borders is worthy of federal resources? Is there a sleeper cell of lawn mower engines plotting to take down America by mulching us to death? For every dollar they spend looking for illegal engines, they could be looking for illegal aliens or terrorists. The biggest threat to American air quality is the exhaust from a burning building after al-Qaeda bombs it.

This brings to mind the obvious question: What if we catch a Mexican zooming across the U.S./Mexico border on an illegal engine? Keep the alien and have the scooter deported?

Here\’s the picture that accompanied the EPA press release. It shows how tough on immigration they really are getting. Thank you, Federal Government. I now feel safe.

Last week, Governor Doyle quietly appointed William Pocan to be a Milwaukee County circuit court judge, replacing Michael Sullivan. As you may know, William Pocan is the brother of outspoken Democratic State Representative Mark Pocan.

By all accounts, Mark Pocan is a good guy. He\’s a royal pain in the backside to Republicans, but it\’s because he can afford to be, given his ultra-liberal district. For all I know, his brother\’s a decent guy as well.

However, I looked up his biography at his current law firm, Jastroch and LaBarge, and it says the following (my emphasis):

William S. Pocan received his law degree from the University of Wisconsin – Madison Law School in 1984. He is a member of the American Bar Association, the State Bar of Wisconsin, the Milwaukee County Bar Association and the Waukesha County Bar Association. He is also a member of the Wisconsin State Bar\’s Consumer Information and Protection Committee and the Milwaukee Bar Association Bench/Bar Civil Committee. Attorney Pocan concentrates his practice in the area of civil litigation, primarily representing consumers in automobile warranty litigation (Wisconsin Lemon Law and Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act cases) and other consumer matters.

So how exactly does one go from suing car dealers for warranty violations to a seat on the Milwaukee County Circuit Court? How in any way does drumming up Lemon Law violations prepare someone for dealing with Milwaukee County criminals? When someone accused of stabbing comes to trial, Pocan will likely sentence him to three years of driving a Yugo with a bent axle. Sleep well, Milwaukee.

So how did he get the job? Does it have anything to do with the fact that his brother carries Jim Doyle pom-poms around, publicly defending him at every turn? Wasn\’t it Mark Pocan that called a legislative hearing that aimed to get answers about criminal indictments in the Doyle Administration a \”dog and pony show?\” Wasn\’t that Mark Pocan somehow blaming gubernatorial candidate Mark Green for the failure of a bogus ethics bill to be scheduled for the floor of the Assembly, when Doyle himself won\’t even call a special session on the same bill? Isn\’t that Mark Pocan out campaigning for Doyle\’s hand-picked Democratic Attorney General candidate, Kathleen Falk? Need I go on?

Of course, William Pocan is a generous Jim Doyle donor, having given him $500 over the last four years. I don\’t hold this against him, because governors always have appointed financial supporters to positions, and always will. In fact, I plan on giving money to Mark Green in the hopes that he names me to the prestigious position of State Booty Inspector.

SIDE NOTE: If anyone at Pocan\’s law firm deserves to be a judge, it is Vincent Megna, fresh off his role of Carbone in Goodfellas. Brother is ca$h money.

A root beer float cannot be made so big that I cannot drink it.

Small Town Mourns Beloved Rooster That Acted Like Person (Video)

I dare you to keep a straight face while watching it.

And what the hell is going on in Oregon these days? In just the past few days, they\’ve had:

The guy who sued Michael Jordan for $832 million because he thinks they look alike.

The desperate woman who called 911 to get the phone number for a cute police officer; and

The guy who repairs his truck naked (Video)

Quite a hat trick.

Now that UW lecturer and 9/11 conspiracy theorist Kevin Barrett is well into minute 14 of his 15 minutes of fame, I just wanted to pose some questions while the issue is still alive. For those of you visiting family on the moon for the last two weeks, Barrett is part of a cabal of crazy people who think Dick Cheney planned the destruction of the Twin Towers to start an international war.

1. Which is the more plausible theory – Barrett’s “inside job” theory, or the theory that Barrett is actually a Karl Rove plant designed to make the Bush Administration look competent? Think about it – Rove puts a couple of struggling actors on the White House payroll, arms them with some fake resumes and they go around talking up this theory? This, in turn, forces the administration’s enemies to defend this lunacy, which makes them radioactive. It’s genius. That is a hundred times more plausible than Barrett’s theory, which has helped…the very people that he’s accusing of mass murder. Can I get a job at the UW now?

2. George W. Bush would have been justified starting wars in Afghanistan and Iraq with or without the attack on 9/11 (my opinion, but Bill Clinton agrees with me). Why, then, would he need to cook up the 9/11attack? Was it sweeps month? Couldn\’t Bush just have said Saddam stole Barbaro?

3. This week’s Isthmus details Barrett’s overt and virulent anti-Semitism. The Left is always on high alert for racial insensitivity, yet it seems anti-Semites seem to have settled into Liberalism quite comfortably. Are there any ethical Democrats willing to condemn his clear hatred of Jews?

4. Barrett has rejected as “ridiculous” the notion that “19 guys with box cutters” could bring down the twin towers. Someone might want to mention to him the small issue of the TWO GIANT PLANES that hit the towers. It’s not as if Mohammed Atta stood outside the World Trade Center throwing plastic knives at the windows.

5. A group of 9/11 conspiracy theorists – and I am not kidding – actually believe that no plane ever hit the Pentagon and that United Flight 93 (which crashed in Pennsylvania) never existed. They believe that both these occurrences are FAA cover-ups. Wouldn’t this be a fairly easy theory to disprove? Do the families of the victims still think that after five years their loved ones are still at Blockbuster, trying to hunt down a copy of “Ocean’s 11?”

6. The oddest take on the whole Barrett episode has come from Capital Times columnist John Nichols in this week’s Isthmus, when he takes a shot at Bush and Cheney for not having the “intellectual capacity,” or the “political cunning” to pull off an inside job. Is that an insult? Are Bush supporters supposed to say, “No way – he totally could have plotted the deaths of 3,000 Americans to serve a political purpose.”

And is Nichols saying he’s smarter than Bush and Cheney? Is he bragging that he could have planned the attack? In order to say someone lacks \”intellectual capacity,\” wouldn’t you have to know what you are accusing them of not knowing? If you didn\’t know what you accuse them of not knowing, how did you know they didn\’t know it? Don\’t try this type of deep philosophy at home, people. Leave it to the experts. I think I just sprained my hippocampus.

7. Barrett consistently cites a Zogby poll that says 42% of Americans think the 9/11 Commission report “concealed” or “refused to investigate” critical information about the attacks. If I think it was a fraud that Jamie Gorelick’s role in creating a wall between intelligence agencies wasn’t addressed, does that put me in the 42%? I am 73% sure it does.

And if 42% of Americans are conspiracy theorists, that means at least 4 out of 10 Muppets are in on it. I\’ve always been suspicious of that damn Count. A little beady-eyed for my tastes. I was wondering why the topic on \”Elmo\’s World\” today was \”Thermite Explosives.\”

8. How on earth can you possibly do a poll on what Americans think about the details of the 9/11 Commission Report? What percentage of Americans have read the report and can make an accurate assessment of its contents? 1%? You could get 20% of Americans to agree that Taylor Hicks is a secret al-Qaeda operative if you phrased the question correctly. McAdams, help me out here.

9. Can we set up a dating service for Embarrassing State Employees? A 900 number where walking taxpayer waste can connect up for some hot lovin\’? Seriously, we need to get Barrett together with the Prison Witch Chaplain from a few years ago. A match made in Heaven. Or… the flames of Hell, or whatever they believe in. If we can pair these delusional people up together, we can put them on the same health plan and save the state money. I demand this be made part of the next TABOR.

Wisconsinite Luke Drury toured baseball games for a week in the Midwest and kept a journal for Sports Illustrated. The first three stops feature his native Fort Atkinson, Madison, and Milwaukee. Good reading – check it out.

Yesterday was the day that candidates had to turn in their signatures to the Elections Board, which really makes it the first day of the campaign season. Some things I noticed:

I was thinking it was strange that Dan Aude (88th Assembly District) would mention in the title of his press release that it was his second run at the seat. Isn’t he essentially announcing that the voters have already rejected him? But then, I saw this part of the release, and realized that we might be dealing with a totally different bird altogether:

When asked about the campaign he said, “ like Hannibal in the second Punic war with the Roman Empire, he too was out numbered in resources, but set a standard in battle tactics and strategy at Cannae” Aude was out spent by his incumbent opponent in 2004 by a ratio of 3 to 1. “ This will be our battle cry for leadership in the 88th Assembly District in 2006, AUDE FOR 88 CANNAE!”

Wow. Is it racist if we don’t hand out ballots printed in Latin at the polls?

Dave Magnum (2nd Congressional District) issued a release bragging that he turned in 2,000 signatures, and 1,744 of them were actually valid. Congratulations on announcing that 13% of your signatures were found invalid, Dave. Masterful.

Former Democratic State Treasurer candidate Robert Fyrst fired off a bitchy letter to Democratic Chair Joe Wineke, announcing his resignation as the party’s treasurer. Fyrst, as you may recall, was running for Treasurer until it was discovered that a creditor moved to foreclose on his Madison home after falling behind on his mortgage payments. According to Summit Credit Union, Fyrst missed four payments on his home. Lest you be wary of his ability to manage a $50 billion annual state budget, the dispute was later resolved.

Of course, in his letter, Fyrst says he dropped out of the race to “pursue another avenue.” Uh-huh. That \”avenue\” must have been code for \”extra shifts at Arby\’s.\”

From out of nowhere, Nick Voegeli of Sun Prairie announced he was running for Lieutenant Governor. In his release, Voegeli proudly brags that he got 42% of the vote when he ran for State Assembly two years ago. He says:

Voegeli received 42% of the vote in a district that has been voting about 38% Republican. “Thirteen thousand or so people in the 46th district voted for me in that race. I’m hopeful they’ll do so again.”

Of course, the same year Voegeli ran for Assembly in the 46th District and got 42% of the vote, George W. Bush received 44% of the vote in the 46th, while a GOP state senate candidate received 46% in the same district. Congressional Candidate Dave Magnum got 42.5%, while U.S. Senate candidate Tim Michels did actually get 38%. Details weren’t immediately available as to what planet Voegeli is from.

How great is it that Rep. Terri McCormick (8th Congressional District) can use the atrociousness of her campaign as a trick to get free press? Last week, when she announced that her campaign was making \”a major announcement,\” everyone assumed she was dropping out of the race. Instead, she released some pointless policy garbage. But it was because her campaign is on life support that people paid attention.

This is like campaign jujutsu – using the crappiness of your campaign as your greatest media attraction. Well done. Her next release will say she has \”a major announcement regarding the future of her campaign,\” and it will be about ethics or some other worthless crap.

I am thrilled that Republican State Senator Ted Kanavas has some guy named Stiffler running against him. No word on whether his mom is hot.

Assuming this is the same Andrew Stiffler, it appears that he and his wife are like the Pamela and Tommy Lee of Brookfield. Andrew has been arrested for simple battery against his wife (he plead guilty to disorderly conduct), and his wife later filed a restraining order against him. Stacey Ann Stiffler, on the other hand, also was convicted of disorderly conduct herself in 2004.

So when Stiffler says he\’s \”fighting special interests,\” those special interests likely include \”women.\”

I think we can all agree that UW lecturer Kevin Barrett is nuts. We also can all agree that he is now the most publicized crazy person in the state, and is loving every minute of it. He\’s probably sitting back at his house, smoking a cigar and playing poker with Tim Osman, laughing his unsettling beard off. They are likely cooking up another conspiracy theory about how Dick Cheney is responsible for the horrific destruction of Star Jones\’ career.

The case against Barrett teaching at the UW is an easy one. He\’s obviously delusional, and the University is hemorrhaging as a result of his unfortunate hiring. While teams of bloggers have done excellent jobs dismantling his delirious rants, I wanted to challenge myself to see if I could make the case for Barrett. I did this exercise a while back for Jim Doyle when Georgia Thompson was indicted, and if I may humbly say so, I think he should have followed my advice.

So if I were the UW-Madison, my statement would look something (although a little more formal) like this:

Every workplace environment has people with unorthodox opinions who may harbor questionable conspiracy theories. It may be Willie in your office\’s mailroom, or it may be the president of your company. In the case of the UW System, which has over 40,000 employees, it could be a janitor, it could be a department head, or a softball coach. In the Kevin Barrett case, it happened to be a first year part-time lecturer.

Followers of the UW-Madison know well that Barrett\’s teachings on 9/11 aren\’t exactly the first conspiracy theories to be floated in the halls of the University. For decades, the UW has had a reputation for being a place where all theories are welcome, no matter how unconventional. Radical thinking is as much a part of the fabric of the UW-Madison as Bucky Badger is (rumor has it Bucky is a Holocaust denier). During the Vietnam era, some of the theories kicking around the UW\’s halls make Barrett\’s \”inside job\” theory sound like an Ann Coulter production.

Students in Barrett\’s class are adults who are free to either challenge his views, or research them further. Needless to say, after the media coverage of Barrett\’s views, no student will walk into his class without knowing what they are getting into. Vice President Dick Cheney actually credited the radical thinkers at UW-Madison with helping him become a better conservative while a grad student there, as he constantly worked to disprove many of the campus theories of the time.

Firing Barrett at this time for his views wouldn\’t be wise for the University. Recently, the UW-Madison took swift action against a Dean who was accused of improper conduct after much pressure from politicians. Now the University is embroiled in endless expensive legal wrangling to justify the firing, and it is entirely possible that a court will rule that he must be reinstated at his original salary. We will continue to monitor Barrett\’s curriculum to make sure his students are presented an opportunity to challenge any assertions or opinions expressed in his class.

There is no doubt that Kevin Barrett\’s views are controversial. But the UW cannot set the precedent of \”human resources by press release.\” The idea that taxpayers are paying for Barrett is misleading, as tax money continues to constitute less than 20% of the total UW budget. Barrett is primarily funded by tuition money – tuition paid for by students that are free to take his class or to decide not to take his class.

Someday, there will be a professor or lecturer that espouses unpopular conservative views, and the faculty may apply pressure to have that person removed. In that case, as in the Barrett case, we will stand up for the right of our faculty to challenge their students to either prove or disprove the theories to which they are exposed. We will continue to support our employees, regardless of their personal opinions – unless they are Chicago Bears fans, in which case they will be immediately dismissed.

I\’m not sure if I\’m even buying it, but I gave it a shot, purely out of boredom. In my next post, watch me defend orange juice against misleading claims of being \”low pulp.\”

Thanks to this lawsuit, Allen Heckard will no longer be mistaken for someone who isn\’t a complete moron.

You see, Heckard has lived a tough life – he is often mistaken for Michael Jordan, despite being six inches shorter than Jordan himself. And because at least one person a day thinks that Michael Jordan has shrunk six inches and lives in Northeast Portland, Heckard feels harrassed when they are mistaken for each other. Thus, he has done what any thinking person would do – sue Jordan and Nike for $832 million because of the pain and suffering he has endured due to looking like Mike.

And what has Heckard done to make sure this horrible injustice never occurs again? Well, he… wears his pair of Air Jordans around.

In related news, I have begun legal proceedings myself, as the ladies are constantly telling me I look like a white Denzel.

Last week, the Green Bay Press Gazette decided to do a lengthy story about State Capitol goings-on during the summer. In the article, they quoted a homeless dude that apparently hangs out in the basement:

The biggest difference that Elliott Smith sees in the legislative off-session is that the basement cafeteria is less crowded.

Smith, originally from Texas but now homeless, says he seeks refuge in the Capitol in the daytime.

\”I come here like a lot of people do who are homeless,\” said Smith, 52. \”I like the quiet so I can think about what I want to do to stop being homeless.\”

So…. he sits around in the basement of the Capitol all day so he can think about how not to be homeless? Has it occurred during these intense soul-searching sessions that maybe it would help him to get off his ass and get a job? And remember, taxpaying visitors to the Capitol – keep it down. Elliot prefers smelling like Wild Turkey and three day old urine in a quiet and serene environment. If you see him face down on a bench in the Capitol basement, do not disturb him. He isn\’t passed out – he\’s merely exhausted from his rigorous mental workload, and likely on a lunch break.

And he\”seeks refuge?\” From what? Soap? Responsibility?

SIDE NOTE: Smith is not to be confused with the late/great singer Elliott Smith, who apparently committed suicide by stabbing himself in the heart. That, my friends, is how A MAN kills himself.

Apparently my wife equipped our home with some kind of lifesaving device that detects carbon dioxide and other dangerous gases within the home. Until the other night, I barely even noticed that the stupid thing was in our bedroom. Needless to say, my parents were less than concerned about noxious gas, as I had never seen one of those before in my life. Somehow, people have been able to live comfortably for thousands of years without one of these dopey things.

So, anyway, I\’m in our room the other night watching the Brewers and chowing down on some potato chips and dip. My daughter was sleeping comfortably. And let\’s just say I was feeling some… intestinal distress, accompanied perhaps by the occasional \”one cheek sneak.\” Don\’t judge me – you all do it.

As you can guess, suddenly alarms started going off in the house with flashing lights and loud sirens. I ran over to unplug the damn thing, but it had a battery that was secured by a screw, and I didn\’t happen to have a phillips head on me. I finally took it and threw it outside to keep it from piercing my eardrums. My daughter woke up and started crying, my wife thought the house was on fire, and I think the neighbors started gathering outside my house to see what the commotion was. It wouldn\’t have surprised me to see fire trucks and police cars race up to my house, with crowds of people crying and covering their faces. Men in Hazmat suits would cover my house with a giant bubble while the American Red Cross sets up trauma centers up and down the street.

So the question is…

Could I have set the thing off? Am I a walking DNR clean air violation? Someone has to know how those things work. Settle a bet for me. My wife thinks it was me, while I think there\’s no way that\’s how those things work.

SIDE NOTE: There\’s nothing worse than eating a half a bag of potato chips, then realizing after the fact that they were Olestra chips. At that point, you become a ticking time bomb. You just have to sit there and look at the clock for a half hour before the stomach pains start – you\’re a dead man walking. It\’s like the walk to the bathroom suddenly becomes The Green Mile.

Like many other bloggers out there, I routinely frequent The Drudge Report to find amusing stories. Drudge may actually be the largest blog in the country, read by millions of people per day.

I was a little surprised the other day when I went to Drudge and saw an advertisment from the Wisconsin Department of Tourism posted. Given the fact that it is a national blog, read by so many, I figure advertising on that site is pretty expensive. The closest I came to finding advertising rates was this rate card from a company called Intermarkets that apparently does all of Drudge\’s advertising brokering for the site. According to their list, an ad like that (the 120×600 skyscraper ad) costs $7.50 per CPM, whatever that means.

Someone might want to look into what the Department of Tourism is paying to advertise on the Drudge Report, of all places. Doesn\’t exactly seem like the most targeted of all audiences. Obviously, they will contend that advertising outside the state brings a high rate of return, as visitors come to Wisconsin and spend their money. Maybe I\’m an idiot and it\’s a fantastic bargain that Wisconsin is getting. Maybe they have some special regional advertising deals that are cheaper. But it seems awfully expensive to advertise on a national blog when 90% of our visitors come from Minnesota and Illinois.

Here\’s a screen capture: