Christian – Page 59 – Christian Schneider

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A Message From the President

February 9, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

So by now, you have probably read the article about who I am. I figured I should at least say something before I fold up shop here at the blog. There’s been a lot of speculation about my identity and motives for a while, so I should set some of it straight.

First of all, I wanted to address the whole issue of anonymity. I can completely understand people who are skeptical of writers who write with pseudonyms. They shouldn’t have to use a fake name if they didn’t have anything to hide, right?

It killed me all along not to be able to use my own name – although when I started this thing, I honestly never thought anyone would read it and it wouldn’t even matter. I just started doing it to make myself and a couple of friends laugh. I never expected it to get the attention it did. I can see where people in the capitol would be anxious if a staffer was somehow dishing out gossip or inside secrets, but I never did that. I was just a guy with opinions, and I shared them – hopefully in a way that entertained on occasion.

If people are looking for insider dirt or a “look at me, I work in the Capitol because I can name some Assembly members” attitude, those blogs exist. I wanted to be more than that, because I thought I could actually shed some light on some issues, rather than just taking shots. When I did criticize someone, I always provided substantiation in the form of a link or citation. I always operated on the assumption that I could be outed the very next day, and that I should be proud of what I posted. My position on some of the people I criticized has even shifted, in some cases.

Secondly, people are asking me whether all the stuff on the site is true. Sadly, yes. I never did mention my son, as that would make it so completely obvious who I was. But as you can see, I briefly retired during the period he was born, just to have some time off to get ready. The stress from being chased down by reporters didn’t help, either.

Finally, I wanted to thank all the people that knew who I was and kept it to themselves. You are all truly great friends, and provided me with a lot of feedback, information, and criticism. I especially want to thank the people who kept being accused of being me, who held strong and didn’t give it up. I also want to apologize to the people to whom I had to deny it was me. I hope you all understand. Your check is in the mail.

So I’m on to write for the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute. I’m working on some big things for the website, so I hope you’ll all follow me there. It is a great organization – providing commentary, reports, and the Wisconsin Interest Magazine. Hopefully, you all keep checking out the changes that will be going on over at http://www.wpri.org/ in the future. There may not be as many posts about Jim Doyle\’s body waxing, but hopefully I can provide some commentary on issues of the day that entertain.

So that’s it. I’ll miss doing the blog. I can’t believe anyone cared about 90% of what I had to say, but I appreciate it. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to have people linking to, discussing, and quoting stuff that I wrote. I have pretty much gone two years without getting any sleep, and that makes it all worth it.

-Chris

UPDATE: I just filmed an interview with Channel 27 here in Madison. Fat-apalooza will commence at 6 PM. I think they\’re putting it on the web, too.

Oh, and another thing – I was the one who came up with the term \”Frankenstein Veto.\” That is all.

UPDATE UPDATE: WKOW has the video of my fat melon on their site. I honestly don\’t even know what my quote means – and I keep looking to the left because one of their reporters was walking out of a door on the set.

Bad Timing

February 8, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

I\’m applying for a new life insurance policy (my wife is insisting I get it – which should worry me significantly), and last night I had my over-the-phone health check. It\’s the thorough interview where they ask you if you\’ve ever had gingivitis, grown an extra head, sykydive while using an intravenous drug, or whatever. They asked me if I drank heavily, if I did heroin, and if I used marijuana. That took me all the way to Tuesday of this week.

Anyway, they were asking me if I had any of these horrible diseases and I kept saying my health was clean as a whistle. In the middle of these questions, though, I started coughing and couldn\’t stop. This angered me, as with every cough, I could see my premium going up. \”Cough\” CHING! \”Cough.\” CHING! They probably think they\’re getting some dying guy who just lied to them on every question. I can\’t wait to see my first bill now. I\’ll probably be paying more Courtney Love.

The Importance of Sex

February 6, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

In December of last year, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported on a program known as “Sex Out Loud” at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. The program, with a budget of $90,000, serves the purpose of providing “graphic workshops on how to give and receive sexual pleasure.” Supporters of the program claim it’s necessary, given how 80% of students aged 18-24 are having sex (the other 20% just aren’t trying hard enough).

One quick point up front – for most of us, the challenge isn’t giving or receiving sexual pleasure. The real challenge is giving or receiving sexual pleasure with someone else in the room. I mean, seriously – sex is the easy part. The hard part is finding someone to do it with. One you have found someone willing (or drunk) enough to form a meaningful overnight bond with you, you’re really 98% of the way there. Teaching some guys sexual “techniques” is about as useful as teaching a porcupine to skydive.

Furthermore, where did we go wrong when sex became so important that the UW-Madison felt they needed to teach it? Let’s face it – sex is growing in importance. It’s everywhere, and everyone is doing it. In fact, the cost to society for all the sex going on is incalculable when you consider the damage done by children without families. So why do we place such a premium on an activity that everyone can do? And do we really need government encouraging us to do it?

If your university isn’t telling you how to have sex, they are likely conducting a study on why you’re not. According to a study released by researchers at Johns Hopkins last week, “increased physical activity may also prevent decreased erectile function.” Is that really news? Chances are, if you’re fat, you’re going to have decreased erectile function all right – since it will likely cost you money to speak with a live woman. Next up from the researchers at Johns Hopkins – “Decreased erectile function linked to having food in your mustache.”

Think about how important already sex is to men. In order to get it, they are willing to do anything – get hair plugs, buy nice cars, imperil their marriages, jeopardize their presidencies, and worst of all, pretend they like Sarah McLachlan. It clouds our judgment and forces us to ignore obvious flaws in the women we pursue. If you are a man looking to have sex with a woman, you hear yourself say delusional things like “it’s so cute when she plugs her nose with oatmeal,” “I prefer mono-brows” and “you know, she really gets around well for only having one leg.”

But why is sex so special? I mean, think about what sex actually is at its most basic physiological level – it’s a 90 second activity that results in a fleeting moment of happiness. Word on the street is that you can even provide that moment to yourself (so I hear. Just a rumor.) So why do people care about it so much?

From a man’s perspective, I think I have the answer. Sex is important not because of the actual act of sex itself, but because it allows a man to say the following:

“I can’t believe I found someone willing to let me do that to her!”

You see, despite your slovenly lifestyle, marginal paycheck, and questionable looks, suddenly you found someone willing to ignore all of that to engage in the most intimate of acts with you. And that fact alone is awesome. You wake up the next morning fully expecting a ceremony where you’re awarded a gold medal for “tricking a woman into thinking you’re worthwhile.” It’s a validation of your lifestyle – a measuring stick to see where your street value currently stands.

And that’s really what’s important about sex – not how you do it, but whether you have the opportunity to do it. When Sex Out Loud says that they’re teaching “the kinks and fetishes that can help students satisfy their sexual desires, and that sexual pleasure improves physical and mental health,” it’s a crock.

I mean, really – is there anyone who hasn’t figured out the “pleasing” process? Are there still women trying to please men by putting a live lobster in their underpants? (Wait – don’t answer that.)

Depending on your view of how people came into being, some dude thousands of years ago had to figure out the modern way of being “pleased.” So gold star to that guy – although he probably had to buy an expensive dinner. And shortly after being the first guy to have sex, he also notably became the first guy to forget a girl’s phone number.

Quick Question

February 6, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

I was thinking about the word \”ruthless.\” What is \”ruth,\” and why are you such a bastard if you don\’t have any of it? I think the world needs more ruth.

Obama\’s Biggest Skeptics

February 2, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

In watching video of Charlie Sykes\’ television show from last week, one thing in particular struck me during the discussion of Barack Obama. In the reading I\’ve done, there seems to be one group that is most skeptical of Obama\’s chances of being elected President. That group?

African-Americans.

Ask white people whether they think Obama can be elected president or not, and you\’ll get an almost unanimous, \”well… yeah – he can.\” Whether he actually will, or whether they would vote for him is a different story – for instance, I think he can be elected, but I\’d never vote for him.

Take, for example, this Washington Post article, which talks about the tenuous line Obama has to walk with black voters. If he does the things necessary to become President, he has to take positions that risk alienating the African-American vote. If he adheres to philosophies of his South Side Chicago constituency, he\’d be seen as too liberal, and therefore lose the support of valuable moderate voters.

Even if he were able to walk that tenuous line, blacks still seem to be skeptical of Obama\’s electability. African-Americans may not believe America has progressed to the point where they would elect a fellow African-American. I strongly disagree with this sentiment – all Colin Powell would have to do is wave his finger and it would send flocks of white people to the polls as if they were giving away free John Mayer albums.

The more cynical interpretation of this sentiment would be to say that blacks don\’t want to believe that America would vote for a black president. If there could be an African-American president, would white people think that racism is now no longer a problem? Would blacks worry that white people would wash their hands of issues of racial equality once they elected a black president, as if everything\’s on an even plane now? Wasn\’t electing TWO Palmer brothers within two years of each other enough?

On a somewhat related topic, I enjoyed this column by Peter Beinart of the New Republic on the root of Obama\’s popularity (free registration required). I think he gets it right.

100% of the research for this post was drawn from the song \”Black Republican\” by Nas and Jay-Z.

Tobacco Trickle-Down

January 31, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

With all of the juicy topics regarding Governor Doyle\’s proposed cigarette tax (his flip-flop on raising the tax, whether the money will be used for health care, using taxes to regulate behavior of a legal product, etc.), it\’s no wonder most discussions of the plan fall into those categories.

However, despite what Doyle would have you believe, there are more people affected by the proposal than just the consumers paying the tax. Doyle\’s logic: people who purchase cigarettes will be the ones paying the tax, and will be the ones that need the health care in the future – plus, the higher taxes will convince more people to stop smoking, as lighting up will become cost prohibitive.

Forgotten in that whole equation is the fact that people who buy cigarettes have to get them from somewhere. They buy them from grocery stores, gas stations, and bars, all of whom make money off their sale.

In 2003, the Wisconsin Department of Health and Family Services reported that 387.6 million packs of cigarettes were smoked in the state. For argument\’s sake, let\’s say the average cost per pack was $1.50 (not counting the 77 cent state tax). That comes to $581 million in sales made by businesses in 2003 (a rough estimate, to be sure).

Let\’s say Doyle\’s program is wildly succesful and results in a dramatic 50% drop in cigarette consumption. Those are sales that are going to have to be made up by those grocery stores and mom and pop gas stations. Since you\’re smart, you may have already figured out how a small grocery store would make up the lost revenue from declining cigarette sales. They, of course, would raise prices on everything else: jelly would be a nickel more, diapers would go up a dime. So in essence, depressing sales of cigarettes (still a legal product), just pops prices up elsewhere. So it ends up being a tax on everyone, regardless of their smoking habits.

Additionally, as long as cigarette sales via internet are still legal, you can expect a huge jump in those sales in Wisconsin – especially since they are exempt from the tax. This would further damage local businesses, and not do anything to really keep cigarette consumption down. According to tobaccofreekids.org, internet sales accounted for 14% of the total tobacco market in 2005, and the trend is growing.

Another portion of Doyle\’s plan is confusing. If he\’s so convinced of the evils of tobacco companies, why does the State of Wisconsin Investment Board invest so heavily in them? According to the 2005 schedule of investments, the State retirement fund holds the following stocks:

British American Tobacco: 1.2 million shares, worth $23 million
Imperial Tobacco Group: 955,000 shares, worth $25.7 million
Japan Tobacco: 572 shares, worth $7.6 million

And those are just the ones with the words \”Tobacco\” in their names. Surely, there are many more that are subsidiaries of other companies.

What Doyle is doing, in essence, is taking on the tobacco companies, which state retirees have a financial interest in seeing do well. In fact, their retirement funds depend on it. Wouldn\’t the unions have a problem with this?

Finally, few people are pointing out that an increase on the cigarette tax is about as regressive as a sales tax can get. The poor and minorities buy cigarettes at a disproportionately higher level, so it really is a tax increase on those groups.

An excellent summary of tobacco use and taxes can be found in this Legislative Fiscal Bureau paper. It includes this interesting tidbit that explains how the Native American tribes figured into the current sales tax configuration:

The tax on cigarettes was converted from an occupational tax to an excise tax in 1983. This change allowed the state to impose the tax on sales of cigarettes made by Native Americans to non-Native Americans on reservations. Currently, the state has agreements with most Native American tribes through which Native American retailers purchase and sell only stamped (taxed) cigarettes. The state then provides a refund to the tribes of 70% of the tax paid on sales to non-Native Americans and 100% of the tax paid on sales to Native Americans (federal law prohibits states from imposing a cigarette tax on sales by Native Americans to Native Americans on reservations). The refund provision was enacted to encourage Native American retailers to sell only stamped cigarettes. Previously, unstamped cigarettes were sold on reservations, which raised concern regarding competition and the administration and collection of taxes for sales to non-Native Americans. The refund provision was enacted as part of the 1983-85 biennial budget.

A Note On Tonight\’s "24"

January 30, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

I admit that I personally have never tried the famous \”steal a suspected terrorist\’s cell phone from his pocket, then three minutes later try to sneak it back into his pocket\” maneuver, but I can\’t imagine it has a high success rate.

Crazy Candidates\’ Free Press Pass

January 29, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

At times, I like to point out examples of bad or slanted reporting in the local news media. This isn\’t because I\’m particularly mean, I just think sometimes I can provide perspective on issues that you don\’t normally see covered by reporters. However, I have found an issue that has caused me to sympathize with local media. That is; how do you cover candidates that are completely crazy?

I\’m not talking \”crazy\” in the sense of \”I disagree with every word they say,\” kind of crazy. Take the mayoral race here in Madison as a prime example. Will Sandstrom is once again running for mayor, and he is completely nuts. Seriously – somewhere there is an empty bed at a mental health facility crying out for him. During mayoral candidate debates, he is prone to long diatribes about his mother contracting gangrene, his father cooking moonshine, kids calling him \”China Boy\” growing up, his time dodging bullets in a Russian prison, and how he coined the term \”Fish and Wildlife.\”

A 2003 State Journal piece on Sandstrom contained this gem:

In 1970, he tried to run for governor, insisting the Mafia had stolen the nation and was prolonging the Vietnam War to protect its drug trade. But when he tried to deliver nominating petitions, he said, he was arrested at the state Capitol for an outstanding parking ticket. He was disqualified over questions about nominating petitions, news accounts say.

In a recent question posed by The Isthmus regarding public financing of the Overture Center, Sandstrom accused Mayor Dave Cieslewicz of funneling \”millions\” of dollars to the Mafia. At a 2003 debate, he brought up nude swimming, Bing Crosby and Argentina\’s economic crisis, and called his opponents \”boobs.\”

In 2003, Sandstrom caused a stir when he warned of the dangers of Mexican and Chinese immigration, and the increase in crime that would result. The Capital Times printed a feature where candidates were allowed to question each other on whatever issue they saw fit. Candidate Bert Zipperer, who listed race relations as his \”number one\” issue for Madison, asked the following question, and received this response from Sandstrom. Seriously.

Zipperer\’s Question:

Research done by a professor at UW-Green Bay has identified the nation from which the most undocumented workers in Wisconsin come from. That nation is Canada. Do you believe that we can create a community where all groups, including our Canadian brothers and sisters, are valued for their contributions?

Sandstrom\’s Response:

We need not buy into some Green Bay-New York City professor\’s schmaltzy spin. In the 1950s I heard a New York City \”wolf authority\” professor state, \”In winter wolves do not murder Bambi and Daisy, the deer, but rather dig through snow to eat frozen grasshoppers.\” That professor was \”hopping on grass.\” I agree that many illegal immigrants come both by Mexico and Canada. But their contributions are needed desperately in their homelands. It is morally wrong that both America and Europe entice and steal people of value from their homelands and allow very low wage labor illegals to bust unions and take jobs from American citizens.

The hard part for the media is to figure out how to cover fringe candidates like this. The State Journal can\’t just introduce him as \”Will Sandstrom, crazy person,\” even though anyone who has heard him speak for more than a minute knows this is the case. The paper can\’t pretend like it\’s taking sides in its non-editorial coverage of the race, so it has to present him as a viable candidate.

On the other hand, when the paper does cover a nutjob like Sandstrom, it\’s a complete waste of everyone\’s time, not to mention valuable column inches (Madison Magazine agrees).Plus, anyone who knows anything about the mayoral race knows that Sandstrom is a crazy person, so the paper loses a little credibility when they try to cover him in a serious way. We know he\’s nuts, and we know the reporter knows he\’s nuts, so why can\’t the paper just say so?

Take the article that appeared in the State Journal about Sandstrom today. The worst the article could say about Sandstrom was that Bert Zipperer thought he was a racist. If you oppose spending 80% of the city\’s budget on race relations programs, Zipperer likely thinks you are a racist, so is this really a damning charge?

In 2003, the State Journal published a brief \”pros and cons\” section about the mayoral candidates. For Sandstrom, they wrote:

* Will Sandstrom. Well educated and boldly speaks his mind, and has appealing property tax cut theme. But he lacks name recognition and executive experience, and ethnic comments have drawn boos.

Oh yeah, that and he\’s F\’ING INSANE! They forgot that part.

I do think the local papers have tried their best to strike a balance with crazy candidates. Often times, they are only casually mentioned in their coverage of debates. But rarely are they covered in the negative light that they deserve. Often times, they are handed the attention they seek, which just promotes more and more non-serious candidates in the future.

Mostly, I blame the good government crowd. They demand that all these wierdos be allowed to participate in debates, when it\’s the public that suffers the most. People that go to a debate to hear Ray Allen, Dave Cieslewicz and Peter Munoz discuss relevant issues instead have to suffer through a half hour of Will Sandstrom\’s take on how Russian prostitution is Madison\’s number one issue. And everyone will sit politely, squirming in their seats until he\’s done, and pretend like it never happened. And we\’re all poorer as a result.

UPDATE: Here\’s the audio from a 2003 debate where Sandstrom goes on a legendary diatribe that is somehow supposed to explain why he should be mayor of Madison, Wisconsin. The question was about garbage collection or something, and he went on for two minutes about being embarrassed to walk around with his mother because she had gangrene. When he finished, the look on Paul Soglin\’s face was classic, as he actually had to try to answer the question without laughing.

Another Library Conundrum

January 26, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

Speaking of the disabled and libraries (how often do you say that on any given day?), my wife has found herself in a moral quandry. There\’s a new book out by an author that she really likes, and the library system has 25 copies. Unfortunately, there are 85 people on the waiting list for the book. The ink could disintegrate on the pages before she gets her hands on a copy.

There are, however, 5 copies of the LARGE TYPE version of the book available, and only 6 people on the waiting list. She wanted to know if by checking out the large type version, it\’s like parking in a handicapped parking spot. I told her that if she checks out one of the large type books, some old woman is going to be sitting at home, alone, crying in her denture cleaner. I told her that as long as she\’s in the mood, she should go around stealing walkers from the elderly.

This brings up an interesting question – are large type books like big screen plasma TVs for the literate? After reading him with large print and bigger pages, am I totally going to get Wittgenstein? If that\’s true, I\’m doing the rest of my posts in larger fonts – it\’ll make my lame jokes 30% funnier.

There\’s also a joke to be had about reading nudie mags in braile, but I can\’t think of it. Feel free to submit.

They Have Dinettes, Apparently

January 26, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

There are three main points covered in this instructive consumer message – and there will be a quiz, so pay attention. Answers will be posted below.

Answers:

1. Montgomery
2. Flea Market
3. Just like a mini-mall

Congratulations, you pass. Now make sure your wedding DJ gets his hands on this ill flow.

Rolling in Style

January 25, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

I was doing some valuable research in my local library the other night (actually, I was looking through the CDs to see which ones I could check out and add to my iTunes). As I was browsing, a dude wearing a Bears jacket rolled up in a wheelchair.

My first instinct was to give him the stink-eye for being a Bears fan. But then I realized that would probably be bad, since he would immediately peg me as being anti-disabled people. In the end, I decided against engaging him at all, even though I was totally ready to rib him about whether he just bought that jacket on Monday.

I then got to thinking about how people are probably afraid to challenge the differently-abled, just because they don\’t want to get on their bad side. Who wants to be the jerk that yells at a crippled guy for cutting in front of him in the grocery store line? At that point, you\’ve just stamped \”HELL\” on your passport.

I\’d love it if people never gave me a hard time about anything. Damn, being in a wheelchair must be great.

Attention "24" Viewers

January 25, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

Dave Barry is providing a play by play account of each Day Six episode over at his blog. They are not to be missed. Here\’s the one from this week.

Past episodes:

Prelude

Hours 1 and 2

Hours 3 and 4

There you go – it\’s up to you to check from now on.

Bush Renames Iraq War "Ronald Reagan Memorial Quagmire"

January 24, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

$\"\"$

U.S Capitol (AP) – In tonight\’s state of the union address, President George W. Bush unveiled a bold plan to regain public confidence in the Iraq War. \”Difficult times in Iraq call for drastic changes – and renaming the war after President Ronald Reagan is a serious step that needs to be taken,\” said Bush, referring to the former President who enjoyed historically high approval ratings following his death in 2004.

\”Renaming the war after our greatest president is a stroke of genius,\” said Grover Norquist, who founded the Ronald Reagan Legacy project, an organization whose sole goal is to get crap named after Reagan. \”It\’s not often you see a worldwide disaster of this magnitude – Reagan\’s name will be in the paper every day for the next decade,\” gushed Norquist.

Bush announced his plan immediately before he detailed his push for a troop surge in Iraq. \”The war has been going extremely well up to this point, so naturally we need to do the same thing, just more of it and all at once,\” explained the President, before he started laughing at how f\’ing stupid that sounded.

Sensing discontent with his speech, Bush stopped midway through and immediately made every member of Congress a delicious turkey sandwich. \”It was an uncoventional move, but his use of cranberry sauce as a topping was unparalleled,\” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

\”The American soldiers who have died in Iraq are heroes,\” said Bush, adding that the war is creating more and more heroes on a daily basis. \”The second worst thing that can happen to a fallen soldier is to devalue their sacrifice by opposing the war,\” said Bush. Coincidentally, the worst thing that can happen to a soldier is to no longer be alive.

Bush also announced that Baghdad will now be known as \”Lance Armstrong,\” and that roadside bombs will be known as \”Barbaros.\” Furthermore, internment camps will be set up in America for anyone that appears to have a unibrow. The latter move was immediately denounced by TV President Wayne Palmer, who had one of his writers script a third-grade level explanation of what internment camps were for him, and why they were bad. Finally, Bush announced that all military decisions would be made by a popular vote of the public. The American public responded by saying they would get around to planning the next strategic attack after taking a nap, watching the Rachael Ray Show, and heading downtown to cash their child support check.

Another provision of Bush\’s bold new agenda will mandate that bad news in Iraq now delivered to American citizens by a sassy, ambiguously gay Brit. \”Americans love nothing better that having bad news being broken to them by tight t-shirt wearing British men,\” observed Bush. Following the Democratic response criticizing his speech, Bush pleaded with judges to give him a chance to just do one more speech, since his throat was a little dry the first time.

Detractors of the President\’s plan point out that he stole the idea from the best-selling Gerald Ford Feminine Napkins, unveiled late last year. Having failed to bring a Western-style democracy to Iraq, Bush lowered expectations and instead said that he would settle for installing a western-style Baskin Robbins restaurant in Baghdad.

Coaches Overcoming Their Blackness

January 22, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

So the Super Bowl is set, as is the storyline that will be pounded into our heads for the next two weeks – that Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy are the first two African-American head coaches to make the Super Bowl. Since modern sport stories are usually geared toward the lowest common denominator, this is the story that sports writers will think is the cheapest hit. It\’s only a matter of time before a reporter at Media Day asks Tony Dungy, \”so how long have you been black?\”

If I were African-American, I would probably think that was pretty cool – America can never have enough positive \”firsts\” for African-Americans. But let\’s not get carried away – African-Americans shouldn\’t exactly sit by their mailboxes waiting for their \”Lovie Check\” to show up in the mail.

To point out that both these coaches are black over and over again seems insulting and condescending – as if they are at some inherent coaching disadvantage simply because of their skin color. (Lovie Smith\’s greatest disadvantage is that he has a caucasian quarterback who sucks.) It has an almost \”Awwww…. aren\’t those black coaches cute\” type of vibe to it – like when they give a kid in a wheelchair an at-bat in tee ball.

What they are are simply two excellent head coaches who paid their dues. Unfortunately, it took too long for them to be able to start gaining the experience they have now. However, there have been really good African-American coaches for years and years now. Herm Edwards will make a Super Bowl, as will Marvin Lewis. People keep hiring Denny Green for some reason. The dude the Steelers just hired will suck, but not because he\’s black – because he was a Vikings assistant coach.

For the next two weeks, however, this will be a celebration of condescending white guilt on display. Sports commentators will be able to announce to the world how happy they are that there are two black coaches in the Super Bowl, and the sins of all their ancestors will vanish. Certainly, celebrating the skin color of two head coaches will go a long way to helping African-American kids trapped in failing schools with single mothers barely staying afloat. As I\’ve said before, America shouldn\’t be judged on how many black head coaches we have – we should be judged on how many black CEOs, computer programmers, and doctors we have. And we\’re not doing well.

But this will be the obvious story that will be drilled into us over and over. Just like last week, when we were led to believe that New Orleans is only liveable now because the Saints won a few games this year. So now that the Saints lost today, does that mean New Orleans falls back to being a hopeless, unliveable hellhole?

So it\’s time to celebrate, Black America – all your problems have now been solved with these two head coaches making the Super Bowl. Racism has officially been eradicated – because Chris Berman told me so. Hopefully, African Americans will be able to cope with the fact that one of these coaches will actually lose.

That being said, go Colts.

Cultural “Sensitivity”

January 19, 2007 / Christian / 0 Comments

It goes without saying that for all races and cultures to co-exist in America, there will need to be a high level of cross-cultural acceptance. On the other hand, some Hmong men may be stretching things just a little bit.

From today’s Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (AP) — A 22-year-old Hmong man who impregnated his 16 year-old wife when she was 15 will avoid jail by speaking to other Hmong about the importance of adhering to U.S. law.

“This resolution not only allows Lee to avoid a serious felony conviction and registration as a sex offender, it also provides education to traditional members of the Hmong community that while they have every right to celebrate their traditions and customs, they must do so in compliance with the law,” he said.

The article also points out that they were not married when she was impregnated. So as long as you\’re from the right ethnic group, feel free to scope for dates at Chuck E. Cheese. But this paragraph killed me:

It\’s common for Hmong girls in Laos to marry and have children at age 15 or 16. But the Lees, who were both born in the United States, said their decision to have a child had nothing to do with their Hmong heritage.

So they admit it had nothing to do with being Hmong? So what did it have to do with? Lee\’s desire to throw it in a 15 year old? And for this he gets a slap on the wrist? He was better off with the Hmong cultural excuse.

Clearly, not all Hmong residents adhere to some of their traditions that conflict with Wisconsin law. However, there are also some who don’t – which is why the state needs to fund programs like the Refugee Family Strengthening Project, a state program that primarily teaches Hmong men that beating their wives is illegal.

In 2004, Jim Doyle described the need for the program in a Department of Workforce Development press release, saying there was a need to “address family violence arising from cultural adjustment issues faced by refugee families as they assimilate into new communities within Wisconsin.”

The Legislative Fiscal Bureau described the need for the program thusly:

Domestic abuse service providers believe domestic abuse is more prevalent among immigrant women than among U.S. citizens. Research has found that victims of domestic violence from certain communities, including non-English speaking communities, face greater barriers in accessing protections from abuse. Some of these barriers are lack of information about U.S. laws, lack of economic resources, language barriers, lack of culturally relevant services, and the socio-cultural impact on women from traditional cultures who decide to leave a marriage.

In the 2005-07 budget (p. 116, item 13), Doyle proposed $1.12 million in general purpose revenue for the Refugee Family Strengthening program. Legislative Republicans, not wanting to touch the issue with a 20 foot pole, approved the funding with a modest suggestion that the Governor should find the funding from a different source in the future.

Obviously, domestic abuse is a matter to be taken seriously. And the state does – in 2004-05, Wisconsin spent over $8 million in state and federal dollars on domestic abuse services, battered women shelters, and the like. Is it really necessary to spend extra money to teach people what the law is?

The Jason Lee case described above is a perfect example. Lee was born in America, impregnated a 15 year old, and didn\’t even claim that it was a “cultural” act. Yet he gets lenience anyway – the court actually applied a defense to Lee that he didn’t even claim.

With Hmong men who abuse their wives, they likely make a claim that their behavior is “cultural.” So instead of treating their behavior with the seriousness it demands, we excuse their behavior and spend a million dollars in scarce general purpose tax revenue to teach them what the law is. Sounds pretty “sensitive,” unless you’re a woman victimized by one of these “cultural” attacks.

Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist