So the world can stop worrying: John Edwards has a sex tape. (Side note: Are they even “tapes” anymore? This already seems dated.) It seems everyone has a sex tape these days – soon, potential employers won’t be judging applicants on whether they have a sex tape, but how good the tape actually is. (“I like what you did there at the 3:46 mark, Chris. I never would have considered wearing a Seattle Seahawks helmet and arm floaties to be so effective. Welcome to the team here at Smith Barney.”)
I’ve given this some thought (although not specifically about the contents of Edwards’ video.) And I have to admit – I just don’t understand the whole concept of the “sex tape.” I mean, what could possibly be the upside in recording yourself having sex with someone else? If I put together a list of “pros” and “cons,” they’d look like this:
The tape could fall into the wrong hands and my life could be ruined;
Suggesting taping this could cause these tentative sex negotiations to fall apart, forcing this woman to leave;
Upon viewing the tape, I could realize I am not the unstoppable stallion of love which I had envisioned;
This other person could use this tape to blackmail me for the remainder of my life.
I’d only need about 45 seconds of tape, leaving my “Seinfeld” reruns intact.
Seems a little skewed, huh? Plus, it all just seems to be too much trouble. As I tweeted, it never really appealed to me to join the “mile high club.” Isn’t it difficult enough to join the “sea level club?” Why add a degree of difficulty? I mean, I’m not exactly Paris Hilton or a Kardashian – leaking this tape isn’t going to propel me into superstardom or get me visits to the White House.*
I’m also fascinated by the mechanics of how this all goes down. So, presumably, you bring a girl back to your place, and one thing leads to another. Then, you casually mention… you want to pull out your video camera? Has any woman in America ever said “yes” to this proposition? (Obviously, some have. But none I’ve ever met. I presume.)
Let’s say she says “yes.” Then you spend the next fifteen minutes setting up the camera and tripod. Maybe the battery isn’t charged all the way. Maybe you have to fast forward through all the tape you’ve taken of your golf swing. Awkward silence ensues. In the meantime, she is starting to come to her senses and realize this could be a terrible idea. (Unless you always have a video camera set up in your room, ready to go if this occasion arises – which is super creepy to begin with.)
After all this, let’s say this 300-to-1 pony comes in and she agrees to do it. A week later, you decide to pop the tape in and have a look. It would seem that this is where it gets really dicey.
See, when you finally trick some girl back to your house, and “stuff” happens, it gives the typical guy a big confidence boost. You start to imagine yourself the way you presume she sees you – thin, attractive, and desirable. This all occurs in a haze of lust, and presumably after a few Jose Cuervo-based drinks.
But after you watch the video, reality sets in. You are not the Love God you remember – the starkness of the video shows that, in fact, you are pretty gross. Furthermore, in the throes of passion, you didn’t notice that your companion had bullet holes in her ass and that she took out her dentures and put them on the side table. She looks more like Popeye Jones than January Jones.
Is this the lingering memory you want of this encounter? Of course not. Why not stick with the alcohol-enhanced hazy bliss you remembered?
On second thought, given how much parents document their children these days, wouldn\’t it make sense to have a record of their conception on file? Seems like it would make a good family movie night – unless your wife accidentally pulls out the tape with the pizza delivery guy on it. Awkward.
* – With the New Orleans Saints winning the Super Bowl, Reggie Bush’s girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, will certainly accompany him on his White House visit. Just two weeks ago, Khloe Kardashian accompanied her husband, Lamar Odom of the Los Angeles Lakers, to his White House visit. Upon seeing Khloe, President Obama is said to have gone up to her and said “I like your TV show.”
Set aside the fact that Barack Obama says he watches “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” The mere fact that he knows the show exists is an impeachable offense. It’s actually slightly worse than if Obama was secretly e-mailing U.S. nuclear reactor blueprints to Kim Jong Il.
UPDATE: Dee Dubs sends along this video of Louis CK contemplating his next career move. It’s definitely NSFW.