Christian Schneider

Author, Columnist

Month: August 2009

Seems Like as Good a Reason as Any

August 27, 2009 / / 0 Comments

The other day, an article showed up in the Washington Times that argued the GOP is going to mount a serious challenge to long-time Democratic Northern Wisconsin Congressman David Obey.  They mentioned the frontrunner as District Attorney and one-time MTV “Real World” star Sean Duffy.  The article says “it is thought” that Duffy would be the first reality show participant to join Congress – obviously oblivious to Flavor Flav’s two terms in the U.S. Senate.

But the highlight of the story comes at the very end, when the article dutifully mentions the GOP longshot candidate, Daniel Mielke.  Mielke gives his rationale for why voters should support him:

While the state party is not taking sides in the Republican primary, the tension between the two Republicans is evident.

“I think we need a candidate who is electable. I believe I’m that candidate,” Mr. Duffy said.

Mr. Mielke countered that his unpolished style would play better with voters disillusioned by Mr. Obey’s work on the stimulus bill.

Mr. Duffy is “more of a polished, celebrity-style politician,” Mr. Mielke said. “I’ve got a beard, and I’ve worked my whole life.”

You hear that voters?  HE HAS A BEARD.

Certainly a good enough reason to support Mielke’s hirsute candidacy.  Although if Mielke wins the primary, he’d have to go against Dave Obey, who…ALSO HAS A BEARD.  It would be a Old-timey Northern Wisconsin Beard-Off.

Although clearly, Obey’s beard isn’t good enough to earn him a spot in the Wisconsin Historical Society’s “Great Beards of Wisconsin” online exhibit.  (That’s not a joke – it actually exists.)

Eat your heart out, Edward Thomas Owen!

(Full disclosure: I am an occasional beard wearer myself, although I have not accepted any campaign contributions from my beard.)

This Involves Me… How?

August 26, 2009 / / 0 Comments

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, my almost-4 year old son is still pretty little.  The doctor did a “bone scan” or something on him, and it said he had 2 year-old bones.  (Which sounds like what you get if you overdose on Viagra.)  Our pediatrician, who is a really nice woman, said this was pretty normal for a late bloomer.  She thinks he’ll grow to normal size (he’s three apples high, like a smurf) by the time he’s in high school.

But we took him in for a checkup today, and the discussion about his height took a bizarre turn.  Somehow, she started asking questions of me, and whether I was a late bloomer.  It went something like this:

Doctor: “So Chris, were you a late bloomer?”

Me:  “Yeah, I was always pretty small for my age.”

Doctor: “So, in the early years of high school, you got picked on a lot, teased quite a bit for being small?”

Me: “Uhhhhh….”

Doctor: “So puberty was a little late for you, you didn’t start seeing changes in your privates until 13 or 14?”

Me (squirming): “Uhhhhh….”

Doctor: “So, you started shaving late, maybe your voice didn’t change until junior year or so?  It’s harder for boys to tell, because they don’t have a period.”

Me: “Let’s just say I would consider myself to be a late bloomer.  And that’s pretty much it.”

I mean seriously, WTF?  How did this checkup for my kid somehow become about me?  Should I have started asking her about when she grew into womanhood?  This seemed to be a little too much of a one-way conversation.  Now, having to re-live being picked on in high school is going to force me to see a completely different doctor.  ObamaCare better pay for my f’ing therapy.

(Side note: As it turns out, I was always the smallest kid in my class.  In 3rd grade, I was constantly beat up by a roving gang of older girls in my elementary school.  My entire life has been devoted to showing those girls that they didn’t get the best of me.  And that I don’t smell like poop, as they claimed without having any evidence.)

Mission: Extermination

August 26, 2009 / / 1 Comment

We’re getting our house painted.  But on the west side of the house, it appears there was an underground beehive, so the bees were terrorizing the guy doing the painting.  I tried spraying down into the hole with bee killer, but they all just came back in force.  So my wife called a bee exterminator.  (And trust me, there is nothing more emasculating than your wife having to call a specialist to remove a bee hive.  If there were a list of “reasons women continue to talk to men,” beehive removal would be on it.  Right behind “making babies.”)

Anyway, I had to run home during work to greet the bee guy.  He went on for 20 minutes about this super special potion he had that would kill the bees, or at least insult them to the point that they wouldn’t return.  (I imagined him standing next to the hive and telling “yo momma” jokes for an hour.)

He said the hive was pretty easily accessible, so he wouldn’t charge me much.  He said he’d have to charge me full price if he had to put on the bee suit and dig around to get the hive out.

I admit, this made me chuckle a little bit, since I pictured the “bee suit” as an actual bee costume.  Like if he were the Georgia Tech Yellowjacket mascot or something.  But I realized why going this route would be more expensive.

First, upon putting on the bee suit, it would take him a while to get to know them – infiltrate their bee society.  Get to know their traditions and customs.  Befriend enough of them to be trusted.

Then, at Thanksgiving dinner, having earned their trust, he turns on them and sprays them all.  Someone yells “I knew it was you – you broke my heart!” Then he grabs the yams and takes off running.  Then I pay him $75.

But instead, he just sprayed the hive.  Seems like it worked.

I Never Had a Chance

August 24, 2009 / / 1 Comment

A brief moment of self-indulgence, if I may…

My wife asked me to look through some of my old medical records, to see if my growth pattern matched that of my son.  (I was always little, as is he.)  When I started digging through my old records, I found a gold mine of old test scores, report cards, and teacher comments from when I was between seven and twelve years old.  And it’s unbelievable.

I always knew I aggravated my parents – nary a weekend was spent without being grounded in high school.  But I was always smart – I destroyed every standardized test they put in my way from the age of five until I took my SATs (we didn’t take the ACT in Virginia, where I went to high school.)  In 5th grade, I made it to the state spelling bee (competing against kids that were, in some cases, two years older), and almost made it to the national bee in Washington, D.C. (When I missed a word, it resulted in me ripping my contestant number card in half, throwing it on the stage, and storming off in tears.  I think my parents let me get all the way to the parking lot before they finally got out of their seats to come get me, thinking people wouldn’t know I was their kid if they waited a couple of minutes.)

But my grades were another matter.  Let’s just say… I was a little disinterested in schoolwork.  And reading first hand accounts about exactly how lazy I was is chilling.  And gives me a new perspective on how frustrated my parents must have been.  For instance, I was seven years old when a teacher wrote this about me:

“Chris has an inquiring mind. He is extremely verbal and can communicate on an adult level. Though he is an avid reader, he becomes impatient with tasks that require him to do research. He enjoys assignments which challenge his creative abilities in the arts. I believe with maturation, he will be able to attend to tasks which require academic input at a higher level of thinking.” – Mrs. Toma, 1980

Even spookier is how teachers essentially foretold what I would be doing now, at age 36.  It\’s almost as if my life were pre-programmed at age 8:

“Christian is an extraordinarily witty and creative child. His abilities of elaboration, fluency, and flexibility apply to his performances in figural tasks and in verbal tasks. Christian however does not work up to his ability because he lacks self-discipline. Frequent incomplete assignments result from his inability to concentrate and persist on tasks that do not interest him. Christian\’s behavior is also very dependent on the reaction of others. Christian needs regular stimulation of his creative abilities and positive structuring of his intellectual program.” – Nancy Gerke. June 1981

In 5th grade, my favorite teacher was Mr. Kliener.  He was a cool guy – yet secretly, that bastard was stabbing me in the back with his letters to my parents.  I was 9 years old when he wrote this:

“Chris is extremely bright, creative, and energetic. He is in the ACE (gifted) program. He constantly needs to be challenged and channeled. In writing, he is inventive, creative, but unsound mechanically. He is outstanding on the computer and has one at home. He enjoys creative dramatics as he enjoys having an audience for his antics. Any B’s on his record probably would have been A’s were it not for unproductive behavior. Chris loves brain teasers, puzzles, and word play. He is excellent in Art. Please consider for placement in any enrichment programs available. Thank you.” – David Kleiner, March 1983

Exhuming my childhood may not have been such a good idea.  For one, it makes me want to call my parents immediately and apologize for what a disappointment I was for them.  I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be to have a kid who clearly has a high intellectual ceiling, but throws it all away. (If I were an 8 year old today, chances of me being diagnosed as ADD are about 98%.)  They saw a future doctor or a lawyer, while I clearly had other options in mind.

Plus, there’s the whole issue about whether my life has been predestined all along.  In my life, have the decisions that I’ve made actually made any difference?  Or was I always going to end up right where I am now, writing goofball blog posts and political commentary?  It’s a little harrowing to think that somehow, your life just followed a blueprint, rather than your choices making it what it is.  Given what was written about me, I have a hard time distinguishing 8 year old Chris from 36 year old Chris.  Have all my life’s experiences meant nothing?

(Boobs.)

What Happened to Good ol’ Arrogance?

August 20, 2009 / / 1 Comment

By now, the routine is familiar.  Big name office holder leaves.  Big name office opens up.  A variety of characters of disparate seriousness crop up to announce they’re “thinking ” about running for the vacant spot.  The public goes back to watching “The Bachelorette.”

We saw this in action this week, when Governor Doyle announced he wouldn’t be seeking a third term.  Immediately, presumptive Democratic replacements began leaking their names to the press as possibilities to run.  Lieutenant Governor Barb Lawton.  Congressman Ron Kind.   Milwaukee Mayor (and amateur pugilist) Tom Barrett.  Even State Senator Jon Erpenbach jumped in the pool of Democratic possibilities.

Now is the time where politicians start throwing out my favorite phony campaign line – the famous “I’m running because a bunch of people are calling me to tell me to” schtick.

Take Ron Kind, who in his statement on Monday said:

Since Governor Doyle’s decision has become public, people from around the state have contacted me and urged me to run for Governor. I thank them for their support and I am considering it. In the weeks to come I will make my decision.

Erpenbach followed up by telling the Wisconsin State Journal that “he was being urged to consider a run for governor but would have to talk with his family and friends before deciding.”  Democratic Assembly Speaker Mike Sheridan said he’s “heard from some people around the state,” encouraging him to consider a run.  Potential Republican hopeful Bill McCoshen said “”I’ve gotten a lot of calls in the last 24 hours, I’ll tell you that,” when commenting on his run.  GOP Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen said he is being encouraged by supporters to run but, “as of today, his focus is on re-election.”

Somehow, this phony humility has crept into our politics – as if these guys are going to make their decision to run for the state’s highest office based on a couple people’s phone calls.  Why is it that candidates can’t just say “look, I think I have a lot of good ideas, and I’d like to see them affect as many people as possible?”  Do we really want someone running that plays the “I really didn’t want to run, but more than six people called me!” card?

Obviously, if you’re even thinking of running for governor, you believe you have something to offer. (Or in some cases, you are delusional.)  So why couch it in this bogus “depends on how many people call me” nonsense?  And do we really want a governor that makes big decisions based on whether a couple of sycophants that will probably benefit from his decision give him or her a call?

While nobody will ever confuse supermodels with Wisconsin candidates for governor, the same false humility applies in that profession.  Mark it down – any time someone asks a super hot model how she got into modeling, the answer is always something like “my aunt forced me to go to this magazine cover shoot tryout against my will,” or “I was always an ugly duckling, and somehow lucked into a modeling gig,” or some such nonsense.

You’ll never hear a model say “Well, one day I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror, and realized that the person staring back at me was incredibly hot, so I hired an agent, stopped eating, and hit the modeling circuit.”  While that would be honest, it violates some sort of basic level of self-effacing false humility that we require our celebrities to have.

I, for one, subscribe to the Frank Lloyd Wright school of false humility:

Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose the former and have seen no reason to change.

Doyle’s Death Row Conversion

August 18, 2009 / / 2 Comments

As expected, Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle officially announced yesterday that he wasn’t going to seek a third term in office.  Doyle’s NSFW poll numbers clearly hastened his departure, but in yesterday’s speech announcing his decision not to run, he offered up a new reason he was leaving:

When I first ran for governor in 2002, Jessica and I assumed that if I was fortunate enough to be elected, it would be a two-term commitment. As I have thought long and hard about this decision, I have come back to this starting point. As much as I love the job, as hard as I work at it and as much as my team and I have to contribute in a third term, I believe that a governor should limit him or herself to two terms.

This is the norm in this country. The President and most governors are limited to two terms by law. Most others have followed tradition. It has largely been Wisconsin’s practice over its history. I am already the longest serving Democratic governor and by the end of my term will be the second-longest serving governor in Wisconsin history.

So now, Doyle is apparently a proponent of term limits.  Two terms, to be exact.  This is, of course, after Doyle served three terms in a statewide capacity as Attorney General.  Clearly, term limits weren’t a consideration when he could actually continue winning.  When his term expires in 2010, Doyle will have spent a total of 20 years – nearly a third of his life – in statewide office.

So Doyle and his wife Jessica decided in 2002 that he would only serve two terms.  Maybe someone should call homemaker Joanne Schalch of Middleton, who gave Doyle $50 on June 6th of 2009, to see if Doyle let her in on the plan he hatched with his wife seven years earlier.  Maybe Rolen Womack of the Progressive Baptist Church in Brown Deer would like to know that Doyle accepted his $100 contribution on June 2nd of this year, despite having this supposed fundamental belief in only serving two terms.  In fact, one can go down the list of any of the $891,136.13 in contributions Doyle has accepted during this election period and wonder – If he was so committed to term limits, why did he raise $1 million over the last three years?  Why was he still raising money a month ago?

The answer is simple – this alleged term limit pact with Jessica is pure B.S.  In fact, Doyle’s terms were going to be limited, all right – by the voters of Wisconsin.  This miraculous death row conversion is merely an attempt to convince us that Doyle is adhering to some larger heartfelt principle, rather than what we know to be the case – that his disastrous stewardship of state policy has made him virtually unelectable.

So if we take the Governor at his word, all the regular folks who donated their money to Doyle were lied to.  Unfortunately, politicians don’t come with a money back guarantee.

Jim Doyle’s Democratic Successors: Who Got the Gravy?

August 17, 2009 / / 0 Comments

So by now, you’ve heard the big news of the weekend. I hit my first career home run in my softball league, and the new season of Mad Men started.

Oh, and there’s the other minor news – apparently, Wisconsin will have a new governor in 2010. (Yawn.)

wisconsin-governor-jim-doyleFor months, political observers had been wondering whether Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle was going to run for a third term. It now appears that he is not. As much as Republicans hate to hear it, Doyle will go down as one of the most successful politicians in state history, at least from an electoral perspective. He went 5 for 5 in statewide races, and never lost an election for anything at any time.

His actual achievements are a different story, however. Doyle routinely broke promises to veto tax increases, drove the state into larger and larger structural deficits, and handed out enough special interest favors to his donors to make anyone paying attention want to take a shower. When elementary school students read about Wisconsin history 50 years from now, they won’t be reading about a single achievment of the Doyle Administration. (Assuming kids in 50 years know what “reading” actually is.)

On Saturday, my e-mail inbox began filling up with conservatives celebrating Doyle’s exit from Wisconsin politics. I got e-mails boasting that it’s a “great day to be a Republican” and wishing Doyle “good riddance,” and offering me “natural male enhancement.” (Wait – on second thought, I requested that last one. Strike that one.)

I would offer this advice to people who think Doyle’s exit means a conservative renewal in Wisconsin:

Pump your brakes.

On Saturday, the Republican task of taking back the East Wing in Wisconsin actually just got a lot harder. Presumably, Doyle looked at his approval ratings, which placed him firmly between “amputation” and “cellulite,” and decided to spare himself an electoral defeat next year. It got to the point where Doyle actually probably needed to get his picture taken with South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford to improve his public image. (Doyle currently only enjoys high approval numbers from the much sought after “Spanish train builders looking for sweetheart no bid contracts” demographic.)

whogotthegravyNow, instead of facing a badly damaged Doyle, Republican hopefuls Scott Walker or Mark Neumann will have to face a fresh Democratic face – take, Congressman Ron Kind, for example (see below.) Plus, Doyle could move on to a new position where he could do more damage to the conservative cause than he can as Governor – for instance, if President Obama chooses him to replace retiring Judge Terry Evans on the Federal 7th Circuit Court.

While 2010 could certainly trend more to the GOP, winning the governorship is not a lock, by any means. Remember – Wisconsin hasn’t elected a Republican Governor since 1998, 12 years before the 2010 election. Wisconsin hasn’t voted for a Republican presidential candidate since Ronald Reagan in 1984. So while some see an opportunity to run against a non-incumbent as a boon to Republican candidates, it also so happens that the incumbent was a millstone around the neck of statewide Democrats.

That’s not to say that the presumptive Democratic candidates don’t have shortcomings, either. And since speculation is really the most fun part of politics, here’s a list of the frontrunners for the nomination, with a brief summation of their pros and cons. In accordance with accepted practice among political scientists, their chances of electoral success are graded relative to a scale devised by rap group Digital Underground, from their classic 1998 CD “Who Got the Gravy?”

Congressman Ron Kind:

With Doyle’s resignation, Ron Kind immediately becomes the Democratic frontrunner for the nomination. (He’s been fundraising for a while in the event Doyle bowed out.) First elected to Congress in 1996, he’s a handsome, articulate Harvard graduate that positions himself as a moderate, working with conservatives like Paul Ryan on things like farm subsidy reform. Despite representing a swing seat in Congress, no Republican has even gotten a whiff of beating him in his six elections.

rod_kindlerOn the other hand, Kind currently has the word “Congressman” in front of his name, which isn’t exactly a selling point these days, given how the U.S. House has immolated itself on the national stage. Even Rick Pitino must be saying “man, those guys really screwed up.”

So don’t be surprised if Kind attempts to erase any public record that he ever served in Congress. His staff is probably going door to door, ripping his page out of Wisconsin residents’ Blue Books as we speak. Visitors to his official congressional website will be surprised to know that they’re now represented by a guy named “Rod Kindler.”

I imagine Kind’s announcement ceremony going as follows:

Reporter: “Congressman Kind, can you explain to us the thinking behind the House voting initially for rewarding banking executives with stimulus money?”

Kind: “Look, I’m no hayseed, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of this ‘Congress’ you guys keep talking about. Have I mentioned that I like donuts?”

Regardless, Kind remains the odds on favorite for the Democratic nomination. In fact, had he run in 2002, he would have beaten Doyle in the Dem primary.

Verdict:

RON KIND GOT THE GRAVY.

Lieutenant Governor Barb Lawton:

lawtonLawton’s candidacy is only appealing to those confused by the fact that she currently has a position with the word “Governor” in the title. In related news, I have a t-shirt that declares me “FBI: Female Body Inspector,” which I think qualifies me to run the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Lawton’s candidacy is a punch line to any political observer that has seen her in action over the past seven years. She believes government runs on rainbows, hugs, and patchouli.

Doyle probably has to be reminded once a year who his Lieutenant Governor actually is, as he has relegated her to talking about the arts and pushing for some goofball legislation that purports to pay women equal money for equal work (as if nobody’s thought of that in the past 30 years.) Fairly ironic, since Lawton earns $70,000 a year to do essentially nothing.

The good news is that Lawton’s brand of liberalism doesn’t have any appeal beyond the borders of Dane County. Democratic voters, smart enough to recognize that they actually need to win this election, will politely decline her invitation to hug it out.

Verdict:

BARB LAWTON MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT GOT THE GRAVY

Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett:

For as long as America has been a democracy, candidates have told voters they’re “fighting for them.” In Tom Barrett’s case, it is literally true. We all hope he gets better as soon as possible, as he is currently sitting in a hospital room recovering from a heroic lead pipe beating he suffered while trying to save a Milwaukee woman from an assault.

Assuming Barrett recovers fully – and we all certainly are praying that he does – this assault might be something that would appeal to voters. Everyone likes a hero. Many candidates have ridden lesser feats of heroism into office. Plus, people might be afraid that if they don’t vote for him, he’ll punch them.

On the other hand, Barrett already tried his hand at running for Governor in 2002, and was met with indifference by statewide voters.

Verdict:

TOM BARRETT GOT HEROIC, BUT REHEATED, GRAVY

Senate Majority Leader Russ Decker:

Through the miracle of modern technology, I was able to actually record Russ Decker’s brain waves regarding his decision on whether to run for Governor:

“So I’ve been busting my tail for the people in the state senate for 20 years, and some kook like Barb Lawton is actually mentioned as a more viable candidate for governor than I am? I’m the freaking Senate Majority Leader for Christ’s sake! I’m the second most important Democrat in state government – and as much as I’d love to run for Dave Obey’s congressional seat when he retires, everyone knows that bearded skeleton is only leaving Congress feet first. He’ll probably serve until he’s 132.
But what if people start figuring out that my fingerprints are all over this most recent disastrous budget? Aren’t I culpable for the huge tax increases and future deficits this budget creates? Are voters really going to elect someone that’s saddled with all the same baggage that Jim Doyle carries around?

And how is it that Pizza Hut keeps coming up with new pizzas to sell us as ‘specials,’ when they’re all essentially the same ingredients?”

(Sorry, I didn’t turn off the thought transcriber machine in time.)

Verdict:

RUSS DECKER GOT MORE GRAVY THAN PEOPLE THINK

State Senator Jon Erpenbach:

I just wanted to see “Governor Erpenbach” typed out to see if it made me laugh. Mission accomplished.

At this writing, in an attempt to boost his name identification, Erpenbach is wandering around downtown Madison, looking for someone to beat him with a pipe. Plus, he’d have to take too much time out of his job stocking shelves at Woodman’s grocery store in Madison to run for Governor.

Verdict:

JON ERPENBACH GOT NO GRAVY, BUT KNOWS WHERE THE GROCERY STORE STOCKS IT

Of course, with an incumbent leaving, there’s always the chance that someone from the crazy wing of the Democratic Party determines all the Dem candidates are too moderate (read: electable) and decides to run.

Verdict:

CRAZY DEMOCRATS DON’T EVEN GOT VEGAN GRAVY

On a somewhat serious note, it is sad to see Doyle exit in a state of such ignominy. Here’s a guy from a political family, whose mother served in the Assembly and whose father once ran for governor himself. And yet he so befouled the state’s finances, he really has no choice but to quit. While seeing the state in such financial disrepair may turn out to be electoral gold for the GOP in the upcoming elections, rooting against a governor of either party is rooting against Wisconsin – hopefully, a position our state doesn’t have to face in the near future.

-August 17, 2009

Venue Specific Lovin’

August 6, 2009 / / 0 Comments

One of the questions I get the most from people is “where is your office?”  You see, my employer’s main office is in the Milwaukee area, but we have an office set up here in Madison, right off the beltline.

When I try to explain to people where it is, I name a couple places that are nearby, and usually get blank stares.  Then, I say “it’s right over by Selective Video,” and they go “ahhhhhh….”

Selective Video is a porn shop tucked away in a valley just off Todd Drive near the beltline.  While nobody will ever admit to going there, everyone seems to know where it is.  Their motto: “We Never Close.”

Needless to say, being so close to an adult entertainment establishment, I’ve seen some pretty sketchy things going on in the parking lot.  Occasionally, some old, fat, bearded farmer type will pull up in a pickup truck, get out, walk over to another car where a comely young lass is sitting, they will talk for a few seconds, then they will both get back in their respective cars and drive away together – presumably to the same destination to engage in sweet, heartfelt, intimate $25 lovemaking.  In the back of their cars.

But here’s the question I have – why would these people choose the parking lot of Selective Video for their illicit dealings?  I mean, they could literally meet anywhere.  There’s a Culver’s right across the street – why not meet up there?

Does it just “seem right” to meet in the parking lot of a porn shop?  Does the venue make the meetup somehow more appropriate?  One would think that if cops were looking to shut down such behavior, they’d just sit in a car in a porn store or strip club parking lot and bust people seeking a low-dollar tryst.  So wouldn’t it make more sense to meet at Target, for instance?

Maybe they think meeting johns in porn store parking lots is way too obvious – so they figure the cops give them a lot of credit for their brains and instead set up sting operations at Rocky Rococo’s.  Almost reverse psychology.  Or maybe cops just like super slices.  Who knows.

In any event, I’d be shocked if stores like Selective Video stay in business much longer.  The internet just has to be killing places like that.  Why go by a video in a store you can get for free-ninety nine online?

I think I just answered my own question – the internet doesn’t have parking lots.

My Son is Officially Now the Kid From Jerry Maguire

August 5, 2009 / / 0 Comments

My poor little 3-year old son is recovering from a double ear infection, with a side order of fever.  So the other night, I decided to sleep on a mattress on the floor next to his bed, just in case he needed anything.

After what seemed like just a couple minutes after I dozed off, I felt a little hand poking me in the head.

“Dad.  Dad. DAAAAAAAD!”

I looked up, and his head was peeking over the corner of the bed.  “What, buddy?”

“Dad.  Dad. Babies have to take little bites of food because they don’t have any teeth.”

“Okay, buddy – let’s try to get some sleep – you need to rest because you’re sick.”  He laid his head back down, and I started to doze off again.  Then I felt the poking again.

“Dad.  Dad. DAAAAAAAD!”

“What is it this time, buddy?  Are you thirsty?”

“Dad.  When it’s light outside, grass is light green.  But when it’s night, grass is dark green.”

I realized this was going to go on for a while – and bear a striking resemblance to some of the hazy, smoke-induced discussions I had with college roommates.  So I got up and got him some water, hoping that might make him sleep.  Then I went back to bed, secure in the knowledge that babies take small bites because they have no teeth.

He’s fine now, thanks for asking.

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