As I settled in to my office this morning and started looking at my keyboard, I noticed something troubling. It appears at some point this morning, I had started clipping my fingernails, and I missed two fingers. I just stopped cold, midway through my right hand. (See attached photo, which will be entered into evidence as exhibit B-4:)
This is most troubling. What the hell happened that caused me to just forget those last two fingers? If I blacked out, anything could have happened during that time. I could have lost consciousness and become the ruthless overlord of a developing nation, committing genocide and refusing to recycle. I may have spent months trying to quell an insurrection of freedom fighters who were rebelling against my regime\’s official stated position that Chef Boyardee products all taste identical. Then I could have been transported back to my bathroom, where I regained consciousness. The chances of this happening currently stand at around 8%.
Or I may have had to pee.